Welcome
Welcome to Entre Nous. I’m Esther Perel and I’m glad you’re here.
Entre Nous is a publication, gathering place, and relational resource for anyone who wants to love, live, and work with more connection and imagination. Through essays, podcast episodes, live dialogues, and more, I will share tools, insights, and stories to help you reimagine your relationships—with yourself, partners, family, friends, colleagues, your community, and the world at large. My hope is that this space will offer a collective exploration of what it means to be deeply human together.
For nearly four decades, I’ve worked as a psychotherapist, sitting with couples, families, and individuals across continents, languages, faiths, and generations. I’ve witnessed silence that holds entire histories and conversations that ignite new stories. I’ve examined the many paradoxes of relationships—those opposing sets of fundamental human needs which we seek to reconcile in our relationships, such as: security and freedom; closeness and distance; rupture and repair; joy and pain; trust and betrayal; care and aggression; individualism and collectivism; the soft comfort of love and the risky edges of desire.
The therapy room is where I learned that what we often think of as private problems are usually symptoms of larger cultural shifts: gender expectations, migration, economic uncertainty, the collapse of shared social structures. It’s also where I came to understand that our biggest relational dilemmas—the ones that leave us feeling alone and isolated—are typically more common than we could ever imagine.
Because of this, I have long sought to lower the four walls of my office and bring the insights and revelations from my practice into the public square. To my delight, this has been a never-ending project that has taken many forms:
My first book, Mating in Captivity, which has been translated in more than 30 languages
My second book, The State of Affairs, which explores infidelity and betrayal
Public lectures such as TED Talks, live tours, and retreats around the world
My annual conference, Sessions Live, in which I invite colleagues and community members from around the world to join me on stage and in the audience
My newsletter, Letters from Esther, and various other writings
And my long-running podcast
My podcast, Where Should We Begin?, which features real anonymous one-time therapy sessions, has been, perhaps, the most literal way in which I’ve brought therapy into the public square. By listening in on other peoples’ stories and challenges, it is my hope that you will see and hear your own. And, in doing so, perhaps you will feel less alone with the relational hardships you may be carrying.
New episodes of Where Should We Begin? will be published here on Entre Nous every week.
I’ve been asking that question—“Where should we begin?”—in my therapy office for forty years now and on my podcast for nearly ten. Perhaps it’s no surprise that the question I find myself preoccupied with lately is “...What now?”
Rebuilding Our Village Together
The reality is: we need that village. I’m not talking about tiny towns of yore; I’m talking about community in its many forms. We need bonds of all kinds, not only so that our primary relationships don’t collapse under the weight of expectations, but also because we were never meant to live like this. The gradual loss of our “village,” has left us lulled by predictive technologies that eliminate human contact in favor of convenience. It’s left us living and working with the overwhelm of a world trapped in overlapping crises, both the acute and personal experience of harm as well as the existential dread of witnessing harm happen to others as we doomscroll to fall asleep. And as our social bonds have weakened, many of us are unsure of how to ask for help nor help others in need. Many of us are not connecting with others to metabolize our anger, sadness, and grief together. These are major losses.
We are over-connected digitally and under-connected relationally. We have become socially atrophied and profoundly lonely. Gen Z and the elderly report record high rates of loneliness and anxiety, but the generations in between aren’t far behind. According to the U.S. National Institutes of Health, social isolation is associated with around a 50% increased risk of dementia, a 29% increased risk of heart disease, and a 32% increased risk of stroke.
And with the collapse of shared communal structures, social safety nets, and third spaces—as true social networks have been replaced by social media and as family members move further and further away from each other—caregiving often falls to one person: the only other villager we have.
Sometimes it’s a spouse. Sometimes it’s a member of the “sandwich generation,” taking care of both aging parents and young children. Often, it’s a nurse or an aid. But even more often, it’s no one at all.
We are longing for relationships—with partners, friends, family, colleagues, and strangers—but forgetting how to start, build, and sustain them. Social atrophy is not just loneliness. It’s the loss of fluency in the very practices that sustain awareness and belonging. And this loss has come with dire consequences: not only loneliness, but also an inability to tolerate discomfort and disagreement. Is it any wonder we are so polarized? So lacking in nuance? So . . . exhausted?
The reasons for this are myriad and deeply societal—and no one is coming to save us. To put it simply: our relational unwellness is not necessarily your fault, or your spouse’s fault, or your parent’s fault, or your child’s fault, or your friend’s fault. But it is all of those peoples’ responsibilities to do something about it—including you. And we can only do it together.
(And for the things that are their fault—and/or yours—we’ll explore that together, too.)
This is why I, along with my closest collaborators, have created this space. It’s a hub for community where we can work on relational skills together. We’ll explore what kind of village we should build together now—and what kind of villagers we want to be for each other.
What To Expect From This Space
We all have different things to offer in this village. People often ask me for tips and tricks to improve their relationships, but what they’re really asking for are answers to life’s biggest questions. I don’t have that. But maybe we can navigate them together as a community—for relational dilemmas are not problems to solve, they are paradoxes to manage… and it helps to compare notes.
This publication, Entre Nous, is an invitation to join me and my friends and colleagues, as well as each other, as we explore the big questions and possible ways forward together. You’ll see exciting guests and contributors from time to time as we continue to build this village.
The French phrase this Substack is named after translates to “between us.” It refers to both the space between people and the intimacy that fills it. It’s an interaction. And that is what I want for us: to interact with one another, with each other’s ideas, and with meaningful resources. In this space, we will try many different things. But some things will be consistent. Those are listed below.
Free Community Benefits
Free subscribers receive monthly Letters from Esther, weekly podcast episodes, select livestreams, selections from the archive, and more.
Paid Community Benefits
As a Paid Community Member, you’ll get all Free Community Benefits plus:
Commenting & Chat Access: Share your thoughts, connect with fellow community members, and ask questions with commenting access on every post and a special chat feature.
Ad-Free Listening: Enjoy weekly podcast episodes without the ads.
Bonus Content: Go deeper with livestreams and Q&As, exclusive podcast episodes, behind-the-scenes content, and more.
Salon Community Benefits
As a Salon Community Member, you’ll get all free and paid community benefits plus:
Invitations to “Ask Me Anything” a few times a year. These live virtual gatherings are an intimate and unique opportunity for you to ask me your most pressing relational questions and for me to hear what matters most to you.
You’ll be supporting your fellow community members. Your financial contribution helps make Entre Nous accessible for fellow community members.
Thank you for being here. Let us begin.
Esther
Other Relational Resources
This Substack is just one of the many ways I help people like you reimagine their relationships. Here are a few other resources you might enjoy:
My bestselling books are available in more than 30 languages and explore the intricacies of modern relationships through the lenses of sexual desire and infidelity.
My self-paced digital courses are based on the same processes I’ve used to help real couples navigate conflict and reignite desire.
My card game is designed to foster deeper connections between lovers, friends, and family through the power of storytelling. The workplace edition features safe-for-work prompts to help build trust and improve team dynamics at work.
Note: When you subscribe to Entre Nous, you’ll be added to my Substack mailing list as well as my marketing list—the latter means you’ll be among the first to know about my offerings outside of Substack. This means you’ll receive occasional offers and updates from info@estherperel.com in addition to Entre Nous content. My hope is that by keeping the two separate, we create a meaningful boundary around the Entre Nous community, inside which we can give ourselves and our relationships the dedicated attention they require.
