mentioned in this mini cast:

and their patreon where you’ll find a lot of amazing content including Grace 101

Open for Collaborations

I am putting this out into the universe that I would love to collaborate with other artists and/or writers, or any creators really. Send me a DM or an email. Let’s get creative and weird.

The Newest Segment of Letters to Imaginary Friends is available

You can read the newest part on the Indigo Road here. You can find the entire archive of the Refraction Road adventure here.

New stickers and art is available in my shop

Be sure to check in on my Ko-fi for new items for sale.

My chapbook grace in every moment is available for sale! Signed copies are available on ko-fi

Buy my book: grace in every moment

The option to buy a signed copy is available here. These I will ship personally, and I usually include some extra thank you gifts.

My Care Mail Art Club is open for sign-ups!

Mail club sign-ups are open! Creating for my mail club (I currently have two members, it’s the best) has become one of my favorite creative challenges of the month. Sign-ups are open for a monthly membership, but there is also an option for one-off purchase for those with subscription fatigue. You can get more info on all that on my Ko-fi. It’s $11 untracked. Each package is unique, though the standard set-up is that members will usually receive at least an original artwork, a new sticker, and a new zine (and usually more). Also, listings for collage packs are still up. Let’s keep creating <3

Let’s Connect!

Website

Bookshop

Instagram

TikTok

Bluesky

Ko-fi

Redbubble

YouTube

I am putting this out into the universe that I would love to collaborate with other artists and/or writers, or any creators really. Send me a DM or an email. Let’s get creative and weird.

The Newest Segment of Letters to Imaginary Friends is available

You can read the newest part on the Indigo Road here. You can find the entire archive of the Refraction Road adventure here.

New stickers and art is available in my shop

Be sure to check in on my Ko-fi for new stickers and artwork available. I’m trying to better keep up with posting what I create for sale. I also am sharing any zines I make (besides the ones that are just for me). Again, all available for trades. We can always figure something out. :)

My chapbook grace in every moment is available for sale! Signed copies are available on ko-fi

Buy my book: grace in every moment

The option to buy a signed copy is available here. These I will ship personally, and I usually include some extra thank you gifts. Shipping prices have gone up though, and I do apologize for that. I also have added zines and stickers. A note that I love to include here is that as a general rule: most of what’s available in my ko-fi shop is also available for trade. You can DM or email me to set something up.

My Care Mail Art Club is open for sign-ups!

Mail club sign-ups are open! Creating for my mail club (I currently have two members, it’s the best) has become one of my favorite creative challenges of the month. Sign-ups are open for a monthly membership, but there is also an option for one-off purchase for those with subscription fatigue. You can get more info on all that on my Ko-fi. It’s $11 untracked. Each package is unique, though the standard set-up is that members will usually receive at least an original artwork, a new sticker, and a new zine (and usually more). Also, listings for collage packs are still up. Let’s keep creating <3

Let’s Connect!

Website

Bookshop

Instagram

TikTok

Bluesky

Ko-fi

Redbubble

YouTube

It is my goal to spread the message: creativity is calling us home. Through my own work, prompts, musings from the studio, tips, and techniques I will guide you through accessible approaches to engage with your creativity.

A Little About Me:

My name is Rikki Horvatic. I am a stay-at-home mom, a freelancer, an artist, and a writer. I have recently self-published my first chapbook of poetry titled Grace in Every Moment: Paying Attention as an Act of Devotion. My artwork has been published in Jelly Squid Magazine and The Rebis. My writing has been included in Pile Press and FieldWren Journal. I offer freelance writing, editing, and proofreading services for those interested.

Stickers and art are available in my shop

Be sure to check in on my Ko-fi for new stickers and artwork available. I’m trying to better keep up with posting what I create for sale. I also am sharing any zines I make (besides the ones that are just for me). Again, all available for trades. We can always figure something out. :)

My chapbook grace in every moment is available for sale! Signed copies are available on ko-fi

Buy my book: grace in every moment

The option to buy a signed copy is available here. These I will ship personally, and I usually include some extra thank you gifts. Shipping prices have gone up though, and I do apologize for that. I also have added zines and stickers. A note that I love to include here is that as a general rule: most of what’s available in my ko-fi shop is also available for trade. You can DM or email me to set something up.

My Care Mail Art Club is open for sign-ups!

Mail club sign-ups are open! Creating for my mail club (I currently have two members, it’s the best) has become one of my favorite creative challenges of the month. Sign-ups are open for a monthly membership, but there is also an option for one-off purchase for those with subscription fatigue. You can get more info on all that on my Ko-fi. It’s $11 untracked. Each package is unique, though the standard set-up is that members will usually receive at least an original artwork, a new sticker, and a new zine (and usually more). Also, listings for collage packs are still up. Let’s keep creating <3

Let’s Connect!

Website

Bookshop

Instagram

TikTok

Bluesky

Ko-fi

Redbubble

YouTube

I am putting this out into the universe that I would love to collaborate with other artists and/or writers, or any creators really. Send me a DM or an email. Let’s get creative and weird.

New stickers and art is available in my shop

Be sure to check in on my Ko-fi for new stickers and artwork available. I’m trying to better keep up with posting what I create for sale. I also am sharing any zines I make (besides the ones that are just for me). Again, all available for trades. We can always figure something out. :)

My chapbook grace in every moment is available for sale! Signed copies are available on ko-fi

Buy my book: grace in every moment

The option to buy a signed copy is available here. These I will ship personally, and I usually include some extra thank you gifts. Shipping prices have gone up though, and I do apologize for that. I also have added zines and stickers. A note that I love to include here is that as a general rule: most of what’s available in my ko-fi shop is also available for trade. You can DM or email me to set something up.

My Care Mail Art Club is open for sign-ups!

Mail club sign-ups are open! Creating for my mail club (I currently have two members, it’s the best) has become one of my favorite creative challenges of the month. Sign-ups are open for a monthly membership, but there is also an option for one-off purchase for those with subscription fatigue. You can get more info on all that on my Ko-fi. It’s $11 untracked. Each package is unique, though the standard set-up is that members will usually receive at least an original artwork, a new sticker, and a new zine (and usually more). Also, listings for collage packs are still up. Let’s keep creating <3

Let’s Connect!

Website

Bookshop

Instagram

TikTok

Bluesky

Ko-fi

Redbubble

YouTube

The little ADHD girl in me, the one who has ideas about showing up for every single thing correctly every single time did not want to accept the shame of calling it quits. In my sobriety, I have come a long way in deciding to do something and then sticking to it. It’s been hard for me to release the grip on the idea of finishing this project.

As I have tended to my creativity in other ways, mainly through collage and crochet, I meet this younger version of myself with care and love. It’s not her fault I have internalized this shame pattern. I offer her a hand, and a mug of hot chocolate.

And now, I release these expectations.

Planet One - mixed media collage on index card

In the time I have been avoiding this space, I have imagined telling you all about my hiking adventure. We went to Sand Ridge State Forest. We saw cacti (in Illinois!), mushrooms, so many butterflies. I have been reading a lot about field sketching and nature journaling as a form of paying attention. This is a practice I want to explore during this season.

We also got so many ticks. By we, I mean my husband and dog. Luckily our pup takes preventative medication, so it was simply the matter of removal plus extra meds to be safe.

There was removing the ticks from my husband. Nurses helped with the first few, I handled the rest. It was a magical day (at first) that quickly spiraled to a non-stop fest of figuring-shit-out. Part of this is because I wasn’t an outdoors person as a kid. I imagined I was. I remember the idea of warm air pressing my skin making me nauseous.

Honestly, I probably didn’t want to stop watching TV.

My husband has more experience, but we didn’t think of the tick spray sitting at home, waiting for a job. We also weren’t aware that the tall grass had overtaken the trails.Luckily all was caught easily enough. Luckily the kids weren’t with us. Luckily we make the best of most situations. I amazed myself at the handling of something that would have had me crumbled only two years ago.

Pulling ticks off made me feel…like a grown up? Not this specific instance, just the handling of the thing without a meltdown.

Plus, look at how happy I look.

I feel grateful to know we have learned, and will adjust accordingly. It reminds me of our gradual garden. We’ve been building slowly, some years there isn’t any reward at the end, but we keep trying. I think the reward is in the doing, in being outside, hands in the dirt.

I also get to share this with my kids. Eloise has a passion for gardening I vaguely remember from my childhood. I was too scared of bugs. I am trying to help her be curious about them. It helps as an exposure therapy for me as well. The more I sit with the discomfort, the more resilient I realize I am.

I want to show up to this space more consistently again. I was writing weekly, and intend to do so again. I want to share both real life, and creative life discoveries. I want to share how paper is bringing me joy, and how it helps to anchor me in my life. Creativity intertwines with daily life so much. It’s hard to see a line between the two. I don’t necessarily think a line exists.

I want to continue to understand the beliefs of my life, and examine this beautiful existence. Back to my word of the year, I can see myself coming around for that mid-year check-in. How can I become more curious about what I encounter in life? How can I maintain this during discomfort? What questions might I ask? What perspectives haven’t I considered? What is it that I think I know that I actually don’t?

There are some projects I’ve started that I plan to put down for now, as well as some projects I might pick back up. Right now I’m curious about the paths before me.

I feel prepared to move forward when I’m ready.

Until next time,

Rikki

Subscribe now

Open for Collaborations

I am putting this out into the universe that I would love to collaborate with other artists and/or writers, or any creators really. Send me a DM or an email. Let’s get creative and weird.

New stickers and art is available in my shop

Be sure to check in on my Ko-fi for new stickers and artwork available. I’m trying to better keep up with posting what I create for sale. I also am sharing any zines I make (besides the ones that are just for me). Again, all available for trades. We can always figure something out. :)

My chapbook grace in every moment is available for sale! Signed copies are available on ko-fi

Buy my book: grace in every moment

The option to buy a signed copy is available here. These I will ship personally, and I usually include some extra thank you gifts. Shipping prices have gone up though, and I do apologize for that. I also have added zines and stickers. A note that I love to include here is that as a general rule: most of what’s available in my ko-fi shop is also available for trade. You can DM or email me to set something up.

My Care Mail Art Club is open for sign-ups!

Mail club sign-ups are open! Creating for my mail club (I currently have two members, it’s the best) has become one of my favorite creative challenges of the month. Sign-ups are open for a monthly membership, but there is also an option for one-off purchase for those with subscription fatigue. You can get more info on all that on my Ko-fi. It’s $11 untracked. Each package is unique, though the standard set-up is that members will usually receive at least an original artwork, a new sticker, and a new zine (and usually more). Also, listings for collage packs are still up. Let’s keep creating <3

Let’s Connect!

Website

Bookshop

Instagram

TikTok

Bluesky

Ko-fi

Redbubble

YouTube

Rikki Horvatic

copy writer | proofreader | copy editor

Greetings!

I’ve been a stay-at-home mom since in 2018. I am also a writer, artist and textile fanatic. I have spent this time caring for my family, cultivating my creativity and honing my writing skills. My kids are school age now, and I decided it was time for me to pursue my dreams of using words to craft reality. I believe good copy can shift the perspective of those who read it. With my experience, I can develop this writing for you, or I can work collaboratively as a proofreader or editor. In my free-time, I love hanging out with my family and working on other creative projects. I love textile artwork, collage and journaling. I also run a Substack, where I have been writing regularly for three years. Paper Joys is a newsletter that looks at the wider scope of creativity, and all the ways it touches our lives.

Services

Proofreading and Copy editing:

Allow me to help you shape your writing into what it is meant to be: clear, concise and powerful.

Copy writing:

Writing is my true passion.Let’s discuss how we can harness this

to turn your idea into reality.

Samples

Proofreading

Delavan Dispatch: final copy proofreader since March 2026

The Delavan Dispatch

Copy Writing

Early Bird Books: contributor

Junk Journal Galore: Get Started with these 5 Books

8 Real Life Adventure Books about Hiking

7 Collage Books to Inspire Your Inner Artist

: personal essay

The Trail of Footsteps Leads me to the Ordinary

Get In Touch

Rikki.horvatic@gmail.com

Starmoth.substack.com

@rikkihorvaticwriter on Instagram

Rikki Horvatic Portfolio

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I believe every person, insect, creature, plant, organism, everything covering the face of this planet, and all the space in between, all the mythological stories we dreamt of, and all the egregores constructed as a result of the tellings of these stories, are all aspects of god.

Side note: this might be a good place for you to insert the word Source, Universe or whatever feels correct for you. I choose god, lowercase g, on purpose because honestl god is not separate from us. Every atom that exists is god. Wherever the Big Bang happened is our creation story, Eden if you like. This is where god decided on a great expulsion of energy that infinitely expands. We currently participate in this play of cosmic matter.

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To think we composed of the same materials as stars and as other matter here on earth but don’t originate from the same place and material as all else seems like a silly oversight.

I found god in a dragonfly. I’ve met god in the carcass of a dead rabbit I visited every day for a week. I found god crying on the bathroom floor. I found god in the chilling wind piercing my skin on a morning walk, and I found god in writing words day after day, year after year.

The only place I’ve not found god, and I do think this is important, is in a church. I am not somebody who grew up religious. I am not somebody who went to church and adopted all the beliefs, or was even indoctrinated into a system. I briefly went to an Episcopalian church in my hometown as a child. Connection to this place kind of lost steam as time went on. I haven’t stepped foot in this place since before I turned 10.

“You Don’t Live Here” analog collage, 6” x 8”, now available for sale here.

As a child during that time I took a lot of things at face value. It was my understanding that the mythology of Christianity was simply the accepted truth of the world. Here in the Midwest, it certainly felt that way. Sure, we could read the stories of other mythologies and appreciate what other people believed, but Christianity was the truth.

This was difficult to reconcile as someone who desperately wanted to believe. Even if just to “fit in,” I couldn’t trick myself into buying what Christianity (as I understood it) was selling. I should say I was never subjected to some of the trauma and harm caused by these institutions, as I know so many other people have.

My experience came through second-hand through the form of judgmental, dogmatic parents of friends who saw me as a “bad influence.” Yes, I was the bad influence, the young woman who didn’t drink, smoke, lie, drive too fast, or even have sex. Imagine my surprise to learn the reputation I had as a non-Christian. It was the first time I felt like a bad person. I have struggled my whole life with low self-worth, so this gut punch is a moment I will never forget. Regardless of my “good girl” behavior, I don’t think it’s the place of any parents, let alone self-proclaimed Christians, to pass judgement on a child. Christianity supposedly teaches us to meet each other with love and compassion.

That certainly was not what happened with me.

My experience came in the form of being ignored anytime I attempted to go to a church. The only time someone interacted with me was to ask for money.

My experience came in the form of irresponsible youth group leaders. They weren’t much older than the rest, and were just people doing their best. A leader is someone who accepts a position of power as a responsibility and with great humility. I have not witnessed this inside of a church.

My experience came in the form of wanting to get sober. I was talking to a person with the church, crying because I had blacked out the night before. I was scared. Every time I thought about how I couldn’t figure out what had happened, it would cause me to panic. In these moments of inebriation, who do we sign our autonomy over to? I know plenty has been done to me during times of black out that I would not have agreed to. The person I was trying to talk to responded with luke warm sentiments, saying I just needed to give my life to God.

Of course now I appreciate the act of surrender. But god does not call on us to not feel rage, or fear, or despair. We can’t tell people to simply let go of the bad things that have happened to them without holding space for processing and grief. When we put people in positions where they are talking to somebody in a vulnerable moment and they are unable to hold the space needed for that person to process and feel seen, to feel heard, we push them away from what might actually help them in that moment. It’s not our job to prescribe solutions.

It’s pretty clear I did not get sober after speaking with this person. In fact, I believe I blacked out again only a few days later.

I did finally get sober almost 8 years ago. I haven’t attended AA for this, having managed my own recovery. I do see value in the teachings and practices of AA, it is simply not the choice for me. I do know people who the program has worked for, and I honor its place in recovery because of that. I wish, however, I would’ve had a more welcoming framework, a more easily accessible framework, to find sobriety sooner, and perhaps with more ease.

I understand my addiction now as a spiritual affliction. I had no idea at the time what the word ineffable meant, and I certainly hadn’t experienced it at that point in my life. Up until that point I filled my life with booze and drugs and noise. After getting sober, I kept it full, full, full of noise because anything was better than what was going on in my own mind.

I now understand the spark of god I was unknowingly searching for, the ineffable, was the voice inside of me that I was running from all along. It was the voice I was trying to drown out.

They call it a spiritual journey for a reason. During my time (since 2019) I have tried on many different spiritual identities. All of them fit like a cheap suit not meant for my body. I have shed them all. I respect the idea of tradition. I engage with some traditions on my own. No need to throw the baby out with the bathwater, as they say. But don’t sign your power over to other humans. Trust in yourself.

A photo of my altar this morning. It takes many forms.

Mostly, I believe that anytime god is crammed into the cage of institution, that humans lose the ability to hold space for the both/and of god. We lose the ability to hold the fact that god is both you and me, the fact that god is everything and nothing, the fact that god has been painted in human form simply because that’s what our mind could hold.

The sooner we let go of our need to define what it is that we’re searching for and anything that we have found, the closer we will become to actually knowing god. The fluidity of spirituality must not be understated. We can approach practice with discipline and structure while understanding not all structure is meant for us. We can respect the discipline of asceticism while realizing it’s not the only way.

We can let go of expectation and our need to fit things clearly into a box. We can hold space for opposing truths. We can hold space for that which we don’t understand. We can accept all living beings are capable of redemption, but not everyone must offer them that redemption.

I’ve spent a long time looking for the forgiveness of god when really I needed to forgive myself. The idea that original sin taints each human and makes us at our nature sinful creatures was not the teachings of Jesus. This was a doctrine established much later. It is a method of causing people to feel guilty and submit to power in the hopes of absolution.

I am working on forgiving myself. Let’s remember that anything we are searching for out there can ultimately be found within us. We have to simply spend enough time with our minds in order to touch that which is untouchable, and to know that which is unknowable.

My chapbook grace in every moment is available for sale! Signed copies are available on ko-fi

Buy my book: grace in every moment

The option to buy a signed copy is available here. These I will ship personally, and I usually include some extra thank you gifts. Shipping prices have gone up though, and I do apologize for that.I also have added zines and stickers. A note that I love to include here is that as a general rule: most of what’s available in my ko-fi shop is also available for trade. You can DM or email me to set something up.

My Care Mail Art Club is open for sign-ups!

Mail club sign-ups are open! Creating for my mail club (I currently have two members, it’s the best) has become one of my favorite creative challenges of the month. I already have two sticker designs ready for this month’s mail (I sent two stickers out last month as well) and my zine idea is ready. It will be along the line of creative adventuring. Sign-ups are open for a monthly membership, but there is also an option for one-off purchase for those with subscription fatigue. You can get more info on all that on my Ko-fi. It’s $11 untracked. Each package is unique, though the standard set-up is that members will usually receive at least an original artwork, a new sticker, and a new zine (and usually more). Also, listings for collage packs are still up. Let’s keep creating <3

My podcast Living Practice is live!

The fifth episode of Living Practice is available here. It is my intention for this podcast to have a greater scope than simply discussing my work with the tarot. I’d love to talk more about creativity and spirituality. I am working on my schedule to see how I would be able to fit this into my schedule. I am hoping to get to another episode after this weekend’s market, but the summer schedule will be dependent on weekend availability. Thanks for your patience! Please go listen if you have a moment. Let me know what you think! Leave a review, rate it or comment if possible.

Let’s Connect!

Website

Bookshop

Instagram

TikTok

Bluesky

Ko-fi

Redbubble

YouTube

It’s also been difficult to ignore the fact that it feels as though I am being poured into. It’s as though god and I have this connection, and I willingly open my brain for blessings to rain down.

This is not a brag. Truly, I also think my persistence has been paying off recently. There’s that constant return to what you know works. I write in my journal. I record my dreams. I walk without headphones. I nap listening to subliminals. I write or draw or collage in a frenzied flow state where it all feels electric at my fingertips.

The Ace of Wands from the Rider-Waite-Smith deck next to my collage interpretation.

I have to add that while it feels as though the ideas have been pouring in, my time and attention are not aligned right now. Life feels incredibly hectic right now. Perhaps I am one of those performers with the plates spinning, and I keep trying to add more to it. I focus over here, inevitably it feels as though something gets forgotten.

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I’ve been in an exciting season of preparing for an author event and art market at a local bookstore in my home town. I will be selling books, zines, stickers and art. I’m not sure why this feels like an even bigger deal in my body than when my book arrived, or even when I sold copies to those I knew.

Maybe it’s because of the town. For a long time it has felt like hostile territory after years of drinking. I’ve lost many relationships over the years, and there’s so much…grief. It’s also the place I know best, and the friends I do still have I made there. My discomfort being in a place where so much bad happened has slowly eased. It remains difficult to stay relaxed at all times.

Really, my stomach is in knots thinking about it.

There’s also the visibility aspect. A kid who grew up with AIM (AOL instant messenger for the uninitiated), I found bravery easier at a keyboard. Being in-person, and in a position where I will have to interact with people, is certainly outside of my comfort zone.

The Ace of Wands collage

After the initial impression of the Ace of Wands, with the hand appearing out of thin air to offer me a solution, I notice the leaves on the wand. Yes, I certainly do have new ideas and exciting plans. I have also grown enough to know I must finish what I start first. I have a market to prepare for. I have other pieces to write. I have a family to care for and a life to live.

So where is there growth showing up right now?

Well, this week I returned to my art journal. I was on the precipice of donating an art journal prompt deck when I felt called to pull a card. I just started…creating in my favorite journal again.

Creating my collage pieces has been a wonderful way to tap into flow state. I have not, however, been able to completely transmit the energy I am in when creating in a book to creating that way on a canvas or on plain paper.

So, as one of the untended plates, I allowed it to fall from my line of sight. It’s funny, because I think I picked it back up when I really needed it.

There’s also been more time spent with my other hobbies. As always, a good deal of my attention and awe finds comfort in fiber and textiles. These arts have, up until now, been for me (since I closed my “crochet shop”). They are sacred space for me, and one of my favorite ways to unwind.

My creative writing practice (outside of this space) has actually been flourishing. I have written two short stories recently, both submitted. The finishing part…that’s the growth. In my bones it feels good to know I have done something I have always struggled to. Years of abandoned creative writing projects have all led me to this point.

So I guess at this point I should just share how incredibly grateful I am. While the internet can be a difficult place to be, I have found joy in what I find there. As long as I moderate myself, community found in online art and writing spaces has been very generative. Considering my lack of IRL community (it’s small but mighty), this expanse of connection is something I am grateful for. Sharing my work online and connecting with other creatives has been one of the joys that has helped me in the dark. I appreciate all of you.

To leave this off, right now I am shifting from thinking about growth to thinking about nests. I have now been confronted by three fallen bird nests. I am fascinated by their structure and the loving care behind their creation. I am grief-stricken for those who may have made homes in them only to find them fallen. I know at least one had eggs in it. I am in awe of nature’s resilience. I see the string and stick and grass and hair all woven tightly together. They perfectly keep the intended shape, even though they are no longer nestled in a safe corner. Nests are the theme I am moving forward with for now. Much to think about.

Until next time,

Rikki

My chapbook grace in every moment is available for sale! Signed copies are available on ko-fi

Buy my book: grace in every moment

The option to buy a signed copy is available here. These I will ship personally, and I usually include some extra thank you gifts. Shipping prices have gone up though, and I do apologize for that.I also have added zines and stickers. A note that I love to include here is that as a general rule: most of what’s available in my ko-fi shop is also available for trade. You can DM or email me to set something up.

My Care Mail Art Club is open for sign-ups!

Mail club sign-ups are open! Creating for my mail club (I currently have two members, it’s the best) has become one of my favorite creative challenges of the month. I already have two sticker designs ready for this month’s mail (I sent two stickers out last month as well) and my zine idea is ready. It will be along the line of creative adventuring. Sign-ups are open for a monthly membership, but there is also an option for one-off purchase for those with subscription fatigue. You can get more info on all that on my Ko-fi. It’s $11 untracked. Each package is unique, though the standard set-up is that members will usually receive at least an original artwork, a new sticker, and a new zine (and usually more). Also, listings for collage packs are still up. Let’s keep creating <3

My podcast Living Practice is live! The fourth episode is now available.

The fifth episode of Living Practice is available here. It is my intention for this podcast to have a greater scope than simply discussing my work with the tarot. I’d love to talk more about creativity and spirituality. I am working on my schedule to see how I would be able to fit this into my schedule. I am hoping to get to another episode after this weekend’s market, but the summer schedule will be dependent on weekend availability. Thanks for your patience! Please go listen if you have a moment. Let me know what you think! Leave a review, rate it or comment if possible.

Let’s Connect!

Website

Bookshop

Instagram

TikTok

Bluesky

Ko-fi

Redbubble

YouTube

Yet carry it I did.

My collage for the Seven of Swords next to the card from the Rider-Waite-Smith deck. I’ve been feeling a repetition of coming apart and then stitching back together. Any time my mind tries to spiral in panic, it isn’t allowed to get far. This, I believe, is progress.

It’s easier to see the resilience I’ve been cultivating. The character in the RWS deck is shown carrying some of the swords away while looking back, realizing what’s been left behind. I see that I’m leaving behind unhelpful patterns of thinking. I’m also leaving behind the notion that all must be done on my own. Asking for help has never been easy for me. I’ve been able to do it, when it matters. There are times where I should have, and never did.

The person carrying the swords looks as though they might fall from their arms at any moment…especially because they’re not paying attention. It calls to mind years of living, through undiagnosed bipolar and ADHD, through active addiction, trying to pretend like everything was fine. The image presented to anyone and everyone was This is all fine. Everything according to plan, I’m figuring it all out.

It felt like an act of smoke and mirrors. Honestly, what 22 year old has it all figured out? But I was the smart one and I didn’t let my focus wander from the goal of building a “successful life.”

A close-up of the collage for the Seven of Swords, perhaps a representation of the deconstructing of the programming I inherited.

We have to become comfortable in our discomfort. This is a recurring thought for me, both on a collective level and on a personal level. Having difficult conversations is going to be apart of our future as we use our imaginations to build something better.

For me, personally, I have to be willing to be uncomfortable to recognize where my own failings stop and the failings of the system begin. Life has felt like walking through a maze, always feelings like your’e going to make it but there’s someone moving the walls around behind the scenes.

Embracing the gift the swords provide while also embracing fluidity feels important here. Self-education has been a large part of my journey. It provides me with the knowledge and resources I didn’t even know to look for growing up. I have also learned in this way the importance of balance, and holding the truth of two things at one time.

Defined structures, limitations and rules feel prohibitive, and downright foolish for the future. Moving easily, present in the moment, putting down what we’re carrying and not looking back at what was left behind…these feel important. If we choose to not haul away an armful of swords in rash judgement, perhaps we can turn our hands palms-up in surrender. At this time, that is the practice. How can I let go, and how can I move, when needed, with what is?

My chapbook grace in every moment is available for sale! Signed copies will be available after May 9 on ko-fi.

Buy my book: grace in every moment

At the moment, I am preparing for my first market. This is a dream I’ve had since I first picked up that crochet hook back in 2019. I never thought my first table would include my own self-published poetry chapbook. I am in prep mode now, and have ordered some copies to sign and sell at the event. If you’d like to order a signed copy from me, they’ll be available on ko-fi once they arrive, if not after May 9 at the latest. I am also reprinting old zines to sell, and will probably list them as an option to buy in ko-fi as well. A note that I love to include here is that as a general rule: most of what’s available in my ko-fi shop is also available for trade. You can DM or email me to set something up.

My Care Mail Art Club is open for sign-ups!

Mail club sign-ups are open! In order to fund my dream of self-publishing my creative work, I have started a care mail art club. Sign-ups are open for a monthly membership, but there is also an option for one-off purchase for those with subscription fatigue. You can get more info on all that on my Ko-fi. It’s $11 untracked. Each package is unique, though the standard set-up is that members will usually receive at least an original artwork, a new sticker, and a new zine (and usually more). Also, listings for collage packs are still up. Let’s keep creating <3 For April I have placed an order for the clown-fool’s journey design and also will be sending out the sticker below.

My podcast Living Practice is live! The fourth episode is now available.

The fifth episode of Living Practice is available here. It is my intention for this podcast to have a greater scope than simply discussing my work with the tarot. I’d love to talk more about creativity and spirituality. I am working on my schedule to see how I would be able to fit this into my schedule. Thanks for your patience! Please go listen if you have a moment. Let me know what you think! Leave a review, rate it or comment if possible.

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“Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves.

Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”

―Bruce Lee

Other Notes:

Buy my book: grace in every moment

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I tend to enjoy the idea of collapsing and letting the horrible pains take me while I allow life to pass me by because I couldn’t possibly go on. This is, of course, too dramatic and not realistic for day-to-day life…especially with two children at home.

A lot has changed since my last missive, and even though a shorter period of time has passed I feel ready to write about my experience with this card. I have been getting deep into the studies of non-duality again, a little of both Eastern and Western traditions. I find the more I study about our interconnectedness, and the more I think about the idea of decomposition feeding the soil that brings back life…it simply makes so much sense to me. The same components that I am comprised of also make up that of nature, of you, of the world.

This is, of course, the philosophy I flirt with in my newly released poetry chapbook: “grace in every moment: paying attention as an act of devotion”. I have sold 6 beautiful copies of this book, and honestly I think I would have been grateful having sold none. Holding the work in my hand, knowing I made it, toiled away at the design of it and trusted my instincts feels like a lush secret. I’m beginning to trust myself again.

Here we see the four of cups from the Rider-Waite-Smith deck next to my abstract collage interpretation. What stuck out to me, more than anything else, is the plentiful bounty surrounding someone with a stubborn look on their face. Perhaps I am looking in the mirror.

This all brings me, of course, to the four of cups. During my time being sick all I could do was ride the wave of my inner monologue about how terrible this all was. I have to feel like crud and go about my daily life. There is no reprieve (I’ll admit, it all got a bit whiny because I did have plenty of support during this time). There is no hope because it’s only a matter of time before I have to deal with the headaches again.

Now, don’t get me wrong…the headaches are chronic. They have been since childhood. They have intensified since moving to the country. A combination of the air pressure, the allergens from surrounding fields mixes up with my neck, jaw and shoulder tension for what I can only call a super headache. On the worst day of it, I was laying in bed, face and hands tingling, trying to breathe through it with a head wrap on. Of course, the inner critic was loud because I wasn’t pulling my weight at home. I felt sad because I had lost the momentum I built up the prior week, both in my writing and my spiritual practice. I was frustrated.

I failed to see how blessed I truly am in those moments. I am not going to beat myself up over this. We are all human, after all. It is not uncommon to center ourselves during periods of discomfort or pain. I am immensely grateful for the practices that pull me away from idling in self-pity. My writing. My art making. My spirituality. My daily walks. These all hold me, along with my loved ones, at all times but especially when life feels too heavy.

A close-up of the four of cups collage.

This morning, during some guided writing thanks to PROMPTS, an analog newsletter from Cody Cook-Parrott, I wrote about my prayer practice:

“…instead of demanding perfection every time, could I step into my humanness, dedicate 5 minutes of this daily presence because I know it’s good for me?

This feels significant because I have a habit of getting exciting about a certain aspect of what I’m doing, and adding to it until it’s unsustainable. Instead I am reminded that being flexible helps me to at least step into the altar once a day. It’s quite vital for day to day life that I do so. Making it approachable isn’t a failure, it’s realistically planning. I can add more when there is more time, when the attention is there or when a specific working needs more from me.

I am attempting to translate this philosophy not only to my altar practice but also to working with my body. My body and I have a tumultuous relationship. Before Spring Break and a week of rain and sickness, I was rollerblading again. My goodness was I so glad to be getting back out there to do something I love. Even though balance doesn’t come as easily, my body was pouring out gratitude for this physical activity. It was familiar, even after all of these years.

Now that I’ve recovered from sickness but am beholden to rain, it makes me realize other methods must be introduced. The way I ignore my body, and push it too hard, too far and too long has made this quite clear. So I am looking to restart my yin yoga practice. For some reason, although I have made strides in getting over my procrastination and avoidance of some activities, physical activity still suffers. There is a block there I can’t quite pin down. Another segment from my writing this morning:

“…if I love my body so much why don’t I care for her more? This vessel is everything that tethers me to this realm. I get so caught up in my head and emotions that I don’t know if I truly inhabit my body most of the time.”

At the same time, I recognize this is another form of shaming myself for not doing enough. It seems that sitting with what is really is the challenge indeed. When I received my copy of my book I couldn’t even take time with that. I know it might have been in my best interest, to just be with the joy. I had to move forward, onto the next thing, less savoring, more planning. As part of my altar practice, I am mindfully reading Eternal Echoes: Celtic Reflections on our Yearning to Belong by John O’Donohue. This quote jumped out to me today as I swing like a pendulum between the current moment and planning for the next.

“Aristotle said in the first sentence of his Metaphysics, ‘All men by nature desire to know.’ This is the secret magic and danger of having a mind. Even though your body is always bound to one place your mind is a relentless voyager. The mind has a magnificent, creative restlessness that always brings it on a new journey. Even in the most sensible and controlled lives there is often an undertow of longing that would deliver them to distant shores, There is something within you that is not content to remain fixed within any one frame. You cannot immunize yourself against your longing. You love to reach beyond, to discover something new.” (O’Donohue, pgs. 18-19)

This shows us a different side of longing, of knowing. It is ever present within us. So I suppose the question is do we attempt to tame this urge, at least sometimes in the name of rest? I’ve read a lot this year as people talk about the reclamation of attention about the sanctity of boredom. Perhaps the work happens underneath even when we don’t focus our mind upon it. Maybe this is why gratitude, especially for what is, can be so potent and powerful. I do think that taking the time to rest while I was sick was needed. Rest is, after all, something that capitalism makes us feel shame about.

Ultimately, it’s still all balance (I am a Libra after all). Rest, care for yourself, find work that’s nourishing and lights up your soul, spend time having frivolous fun that serves no purpose. And also, look around to take it all in. There’s a lot of bad in the world, but there are also shiny, sparkly moments of good. These are worth cherishing.

Until next time,

Rikki

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My Care Mail Art Club is open for sign-ups!

Mail club sign-ups are open! In order to fund my dream of self-publishing my creative work, I have started a care mail art club. Sign-ups are open for a monthly membership, but there is also an option for one-off purchase for those with subscription fatigue. You can get more info on all that on my Ko-fi. It’s $11 untracked. Each package is unique, though the standard set-up is that members will usually receive at least an original artwork, a new sticker, and a new zine (and usually more). Also, listings for collage packs are still up. Let’s keep creating <3 Below is a preview of the sticker for the month. I am torn — should I order the holographic ones or plain matte?

My podcast Living Practice is live! The fourth episode is now available.

The fourth episode of Living Practice is available here. I am still on pause with this project while I determine the scope of what I would like to discuss during the episodes. I’d like to move it beyond simply recapping The Tarot Diaries. This is a great chance to catch up if you’ve been wanting to join us. Please go listen if you have a moment. Let me know what you think! Leave a review, rate it or comment if possible.

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I am currently shedding long-standing programming which demands money be made through traditional means, and that I don’t deserve to get paid. While I dream of a future where we live beyond strict capitalism, I’ve also realized it’s quite foolish to sacrifice myself and my dreams at the altar of perceived morality. I am of most use to those around me and society when I am contributing my gifts, be they through words, art, holding space or good old-fashioned hospitality.

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The six of swords from the Rider-Waite-Smith deck next to my corresponding collage. You notice the forward movement of the boat, and they do not row toward desolation. They recognize what must stay on the journey with them, but also don’t have much with them. I view this as the necessary release one must go through in order to enter the chrysalis before transformation. The water represents my own brain, neurodivergent and always believing there was no safe way to exist in the world… always terrified I would end up hospitalized again because life was too much. For my collage I stuck with a minimalist interpretation. This exemplifies the importance of focusing on what we know to be true and no longer clinging to old programming.

I have spent so many hours torturing myself over the decision of how to spend my time and how to produce value. It is only recently that I have begun to accept that my own happiness and fulfillment is valuable. It is from this state where all other acts of service may naturally arise. Without fulfillment, resentment breeds. It whispers acid words in my ear, dripping poison of self-defeat and feelings of despair. Recognizing this, I can use my gifts of language and art to fight back against such rancid beliefs.

A close-up look at the minimalist collage made for the six of swords

The biggest fear I have held as a woman, as a neurodivergent person, as a recovering addict is that I am incapable. When I began freelancing at the beginning of this month, I was slowly reminded that I steer the boat through the waters of my own mind. I don’t have to believe every story it tries to tell. And the successful gigs I had taken on are proof that such stories are lies. They do a better job at holding me back, or even worse, turning around all together to hide.

Last week I opened a bank account for myself to actually take a step toward taking myself seriously. While it may not seem like a big deal, it feels monumental. I am privileged in that I had such time to heal and address my own narratives. It feels like stepping out of survival mode. It feels like recognizing the potential I am moving toward. The beautiful part in that is I am the creator. I get to mold the potential into a shape of my own making. That feels like confidence, bravery, courage. That feels like finally growing up.

Until next time,

Rikki

My book “grace in every moment: paying attention as an act of devotion” is available for purchase as both an ebook and physical

My book “Grace in Every Moment: Paying Attention as an act of Devotion” released last week, and I waited with anxious nerves for my own copy to ensure it printed okay before I shared with the rest of the world. I’m happy to report that my book is officially out and available to purchase here. You can also search my name at most major online book retailers to find both physical copies and ebook copies. Once available, I will have a certain stock on hand to sell signed copies. I appreciate everyone who has supported this endeavor.

My Care Mail Art Club is open for sign-ups!

Mail club sign-ups are open! In order to fund my dream of self-publishing my creative work, I have started a care mail art club. Sign-ups are open for a monthly membership, but there is also an option for one-off purchase for those with subscription fatigue. You can get more info on all that on my Ko-fi. It’s $11 untracked. Each package is unique, though the standard set-up is that members will usually receive at least an original artwork, a new sticker, and a new zine (and usually more). Also, listings for collage packs are still up. Let’s keep creating <3

My podcast Living Practice is live! The fourth episode is now available.

The fourth episode of Living Practice is available here. It is on pause while I recover my voice and ability to speak without coughing. This is a great chance to catch up if you’ve been wanting to join us. Please go listen if you have a moment. Let me know what you think! Leave a review, rate it or comment if possible.

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And let me tell you, I’ve crashed hard.

My collage for the Wheel of Fortune card next to the original card from the Rider-Waite-Smith deck. The look on the woman’s face in the collage is very much giving me a “it’s ok, everything is fine” vibe while everything is definitely not fine. Alas, the spiral of life continues. Everything is always in flux. Nothing is stagnant. Those who try to remain stagnant end up getting pushed around by life.

This past week and a half has been sleep and doing the bare minimum to keep the house running. It was a brutal reminder from life that, ultimately, I am at the mercy of the universe. With my forthcoming book, all of the art making, the journal submissions I’ve been trying to make, mothering, cleaning, cooking, driving, after-school activities and all the things in-between, I got a swift kick in the ass: a reminder of my humanity in the form of an ear infection, sinus infection and brutal cough.

It was during this time that I contemplated abandoning this project. I also thought about giving away all my art supplies. I thought about trying to be a chef again. I pondered what it would be like to be a funeral director. I mapped out stories to write in my head but couldn’t bring myself to pick up a pen.

I really just had to surrender. Listening to the body is a good way to stay in tune with the movement of the world. The body is the portal that connects us to all of this in the first place. My body has been begging for rest. So that’s what I did…where I was able.

I’m grateful that I have had the chance to slow down when it was clear I needed to. I am grateful for my family for helping so much. And I am grateful to the wisdom it took to read the signs. This is not a giving up, but a surrender. Right now, rest is what’s called for. As my symptoms improve, I settle in my body and try not to fidget too much. I don’t want to move too quickly out of this lesson. I want to move with intention, and act with love.

That’s all I have for now, folks. May the Wheel of Fortune turn in your favor this week.

My book “grace in every moment: paying attention as an act of devotion” is looking like it may be released this week

When I initially started this process, I had to choose a release date. I wanted one close to the Spring Equinox. In complete honesty, I had no idea that this date wouldn’t be able to be changed. SO…I’m hoping to have the proofs approved soon because the date I had chosen was March 18, 2026. Wish me luck ya’ll. I will share more once I have more info!

My Care Mail Art Club is open for sign-ups!

Mail club sign-ups are open! In order to fund my dream of self-publishing my creative work, I have started a care mail art club. Sign-ups are open for a monthly membership, but there is also an option for one-off purchase for those with subscription fatigue. You can get more info on all that on my Ko-fi. It’s $11 untracked. Each package is unique, though the standard set-up is that members will usually receive at least an original artwork, a new sticker, and a new zine (and usually more). Also, listings for collage packs are still up. Let’s keep creating <3

My podcast Living Practice is live! The fourth episode is now available.

The fourth episode of Living Practice is available here. It is on pause while I recover my voice and ability to speak without coughing. This is a great chance to catch up if you’ve been wanting to join us. Please go listen if you have a moment. Let me know what you think! Leave a review, rate it or comment if possible.

Let’s Connect!

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1. Before

   1. Tired

   2. Can’t focus

   3. Head tension

2. After

   1. Open

   2. Potential

   3. Slightly less tension

3. Before

   1. Desperate

   2. Zapped

   3. Sad

4. After

   1. Tired

   2. Spent

   3. Quiet

5. Before

   1. Hopeful

   2. Still

   3. Impatient

6. After

   1. Longing

   2. Preoccupied

   3. Aware

7. Before

   1. Hopeful

   2. Questioning

   3. Unsure

8. After

   1. Excited

   2. Proud

   3. Inspired

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My book “grace in every moment: paying attention as an act of devotion” is coming together and will hopefully be released in March.

I believe I have resolved the design issues, and will be sharing updates on this project and its release soon!

My Care Mail Art Club is open for sign-ups!

Mail club sign-ups are open! In order to fund my dream of self-publishing my creative work, I have started a care mail art club. Sign-ups are open for a monthly membership, but there is also an option for one-off purchase for those with subscription fatigue. You can get more info on all that on my Ko-fi. It’s $11 untracked. Each package is unique, though the standard set-up is that members will usually receive at least an original artwork, a new sticker, and a new zine (and usually more). Also, listings for collage packs are still up. Let’s keep creating <3

My podcast Living Practice is live! The fourth episode is now available.

The fourth episode of Living Practice is available here. On this page there are also links for Apple Podcasts and Spotify. Please go listen if you have a moment. Let me know what you think! Leave a review, rate it or comment if possible. I plan to update monthly. I also uploaded my first bonus episode as a little treat. I hope to work on a second bonus episode this weekend, but it really depends on how it goes.

Let’s Connect!

Website

Bookshop

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Bluesky

Ko-fi

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YouTube

This series has begun to yawn into a bi-monthly publication. I’m not fighting it, although old programming is running in the background whispering failure, lazy, just abandon it.

And the strong, emotionally resilient version of myself I am in the process of becoming REFUSES to believe that circumstances can’t evolve. The ten of cups, which is the card I have been walking with, needed to share lessons with me much longer than a week. See, that first week, I was really struggling to see the rainbow, bright-side of everything goodness of life…my life. The yo-yoing weather has kept me hanging by a thread, desperately trying to climb up to solid ground instead of falling into the pits of depression. There are times I win this battle, others I don’t. We are constantly in flux.

My collage for the ten of cups next to the card from the Rider-Waite-Smith deck. When I do readings, this has always VERY OBVIOUSLY meant abundance, proof of good things happening, settling in, home. What I have found, however, is that we are all constantly in process, and the idea of reaching a state of completion as inferred by the ten of cups is simply just a blip on the radar of an entire system of cells (you) living throughout a (supposedly) linear collection of moments (life).

Well, Rikki…couldn’t we just look at the reversal of the ten of cups and align it with how this time has felt? Yes, and…no. I do think that there was a need for me to look at this card when feeling hopeless or that answers were out of my reach and remember that life finds a way.

The children dancing remind me that joy is everywhere if we just have eyes to see. The older couple asks me if sitting in my despair is truly aligned with my beliefs. And, well, no…it’s not.

I’m not here to write off the complete range of human emotion. That’s obviously just going to lead to repression and I believe that a lot of us are aware the state of things waves arms around in reference to the horrors that surround us are due to, in part, too many people repressing too many things.

No. My belief is the situations that make up our life are all from god (or the universe, or source or whatever you want to call it). This includes the brutal, the hardship, the moments that crack us open. I’ve felt it. (Please note, I am not trying to say this is your experience or spiritually bypass horrific things. This is simply the belief framework that feels good to me as I traverse this spiritual playground). I have felt the feeling of warmth and love, all by myself, crying at night when I feel like there’s no reason to continue. No matter how many times I planned to take my life, service and love for others kept me going. I used to resent this. Now I am grateful.

A close-up look at my collage for the ten of cups. The character smiles at what’s ahead, even though we are unsure of what that is. They are surrounded by bright colors but what is there is also unknown. They have a trust in their purpose of being there, of moving into the next moment and the next. To me, this feels like abundance…a state of being, radical acceptance.

And wouldn’t you know that just like depression, cold weather also shifts. It moves into something warmer, more hopeful. We, too, have our own weather patterns. I am becoming more skilled at recognizing and working with mine. The goal? Less shame, more acceptance.

There are plenty of times where being sad has actually taught me something, or led me somewhere. There’s also a lot of times where it just sucks. That’s okay too. I recognize now that it won’t last forever. There’s more to experience and feel and do. For the first time in probably my entire adult life, it feels like hope, looking toward the future, despite everything. It feels as though I am walking the path of my beliefs a little bit more. And let me tell you, THAT feels like abundance.

My book “grace in every moment: paying attention as an act of devotion” is coming together and will hopefully be released in March.

I have, unfortunately, found the overwhelming pit of not understanding how to lay out my epub files. My hope is to dig into it this week. Tentative release date is March 18, but that could be moved back.

My Care Mail Art Club is open for sign-ups!

Mail club sign-ups are open! In order to fund my dream of self-publishing my creative work, I have started a care mail art club. Sign-ups are open for a monthly membership, but there is also an option for one-off purchase for those with subscription fatigue. You can get more info on all that on my Ko-fi. It’s $11 untracked. Each package is unique, though the standard set-up is that members will usually receive at least an original artwork, a new sticker, and a new zine (and usually more). Also, listings for collage packs are still up. Let’s keep creating <3

This month, members receive a large collage zine, a mini found poetry zine, an originally designed sticker and an original art piece, all for $11. Most of these items will be for sale in my shop after, but at their retail price. Together it’s about a $50 value!

My podcast Living Practice is live! The fourth episode is now available.

The fourth episode of Living Practice is available here. On this page there are also links for Apple Podcasts and Spotify. Please go listen if you have a moment. Let me know what you think! Leave a review, rate it or comment if possible. I plan to update monthly. I also uploaded my first bonus episode as a little treat. I hope to work on a second bonus episode this weekend, but it really depends on how it goes.

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Thank you.

1. 02-15-2026

   Before

   • sore

   • Aching

   • Lost

     

     After

   • Loosened

   • Sleepy

   • Capable

2. 02-17-2026

   Before

   • restless

   • Refreshed

   • Anxious

   

   After

   • light

   • Thoughtful

   • Excited

   

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   Until next time,

   Rikki

I walk the liminal path instead. Having our puppy who still has a bit too much energy to enjoy months of hibernation wants to explore the cold. I see and experience more from the world outside my door this way. I walk on the edge of thresholds, neither within or without…just on the edge.

This might seem silly, but going outside during the colder months more often has required me to get reacquainted with my body. I’ve had to buy pants (not a fan, but getting used to it) and I’ve had to buy wool socks (no, I don’t feel confident to knit socks yet). These are two items of clothing I expel from my wardrobe the second it’s warm enough.

This year, however, I’ve decided to see them as friends. I kept my socks on inside, even while wearing slippers. I’m growing accustomed to meeting myself where I can. I had to search for the correct socks. I lean in to layers. Instead of putting off going outside, I am ready to slip on boots at a moments notice. I am able to do the tasks that usually get ignored during this time of year.

Perhaps the biggest Death I am experiencing right now is that of my seasonal depression.

Here is the collage I made for the Death card. This card makes me feel the inevitable chaos of change, the helpless feeling it can invoke and how, ultimately, surrender is the option that will lead us to the least amount of suffering.

Let me just say that this does not mean I haven’t been depressed. The darker days mixed with the hellish January month we witnessed here in the United States were enough that, had this been just a few years ago, I probably would have been bed ridden. However, the current version of me, who lives now is resourced. The resilience I have been working to cultivate has actually shown me what I am capable of.

And, far be it from me to sound like a manifestation girlie, but that evidence propelled me farther in other areas of my life thanks to the confidence boost.

My Death card collage next to the Rider-Waite-Smith Death card. The figure in the bottom corner, turning their face away from the reaper on the horse, stands out to me. They know it is coming, and decide to accept it. Still, they look away. The figure on the ground in blue, unknowing, looks directly at Fate. Perhaps it is the death of their father that haunts them, or their own impending release from the earthly plain. Regardless, the sun rising in the background is a good reminder that all endings are composted, returning when then time is right for a new beginning. What is to be shed in this season?

Right now I am really interested in trying to shed the layers of protection I have built up over the years. I still feel miles away from myself, even after years of inner work and self-exploration. It comes and goes like a pendulum, however. I try not to push myself too hard. When I feel myself swinging more toward rest, I am beginning to understand that apart of my new becoming is to embrace rest as a sacred part of the process.

With ADHD as well as limited time, I have always tried to binge any new information I am taking in. I have learned a lot in a short time. It’s like trying to direct my energy like a lightning bolt. I can end up moving too quickly and learn a little about 10 different things on a whim. Staying off of my phone has helped this a bit.

The problem with trying to rush learning is that there is rarely integration through this process. So, a little death to the over-achiever and inner critic within me. They don’t necessarily need to decompose, they can still contribute. We can all gather around the table together, I’ll invite my inner child, my shame and regrets as well. We will have some tea, talk about the feasible, manageable, sustainable ways forward. We’ll embrace the idea of self-forgiveness.

We might even make room for rage to join as well. As I continue to peel back the layers, I find myself getting more and more angry. Reactivity here is not what is called for, so I try to feel it, sit with it. I will make it a cup of ginger tea and perhaps the anvil that lives within my insides will dislodge and it will feel safe enough to open up. I am learning constant protection against any possible bad outcome leads to a cage. Instead of shaking the bars, I intend to unlock the door. Turns out I’ve had the key all along.

Until next time,

Rikki

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My book “grace in every moment: paying attention as an act of devotion” is coming together and will hopefully be released in March.

If you are interested in being on the release team to get a digital advance reader copy and help this book reach more people, reply to this email <3

My Care Mail Art Club is open for sign-ups!

Mail club sign-ups are open! In order to fund my dream of self-publishing my creative work, I have started a care mail art club. Sign-ups are open for a monthly membership, but there is also an option for one-off purchase for those with subscription fatigue. You can get more info on all that on my Ko-fi. It’s $11 untracked. Each package is unique, though the standard set-up is that members will usually receive at least an original artwork, a new sticker, and a new zine (and usually more). Also, listings for collage packs are still up. Let’s keep creating <3

My podcast Living Practice is live! The fourth episode is now available.

The fourth episode of Living Practice is available here. On this page there are also links for Apple Podcasts and Spotify. Please go listen if you have a moment. Let me know what you think! Leave a review, rate it or comment if possible. I plan to update monthly. I also uploaded my first bonus episode as a little treat.

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There are now 3-card readings available from this deck on my ko-fi for $11. You’ll receive a PDF with a photo of the cards pulled, the message plus prompts and exercises to work with. Grab one here. Upon purchase you’ll be prompted to provide me with your email, and I’ll send it off 24-48 hours later. It’s a fun process.

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For those who are struggling right now because of *waves around* everything, know that I am here if you need someone to talk with, not as an expert but as a person who also struggles.

I did find the podcast This Jungian Life to be helpful (thank you for the recommendation from Julia with . Specifically I listened to these episodes:

How Did I Become a Statistic? Jung’s Essay, The Undiscovered Self

Purpose as Service to a Self-led Future

Angels, Dreams, and Premonitions: How to Use Inner Messages Without Losing Yourself

I’ve also been reading the book “Hold Nothing: An invitation to let go and come home to yourself” by . I have found it’s invitation to surrender incredibly powerful, and it helps me to set about my daily tasks in my corner of the universe. The journaling prompts have been potent. I am only about a quarter of the way through, but find that moving slowly and journaling as I go to be a practice I am grateful for.

This is the collage I made for the two of pentacles, a week or so back. I remember leaning into the balance and my practice…breathing through the moment. The collage feels significant because there is a grounded feeling to it, giving potential for growth and to bear new fruit. There is also a sense of weathering the storm, the way the bottom portion portrays foundation.

It seems strange to me that my depiction of the two of pentacles gives off a sense of foundation and stability seeing as I spent years feeling like a leaf blowing about in the wind…sometimes lazing about, sometimes chaotic…never a plan, never any place to fully release and rest.

I do recognize the card as a call to release binary thinking and expand our imagination past the idea of simply two pentacles. Think of the unhoused populations and people struggling in poverty right now. A more equitable division of resources, of which there are PLENTY, certainly indicates that we have more than two pentacles to work with. If abundance abounds, even amidst suffering, who or what is the bestower of these gifts?

Privilege certainly plays a role. My privilege along with a rowdy group of friends is to thank for me never being “officially” homeless. Privilege can serve a person with opportunities they may not “deserve” or “qualify for.” But if we put that framework aside…truly, wouldn’t the foundation of a society feel more grounded, more safe, more nurturing if we grew up knowing we would be held, knowing we would be cared for?

Here is my collage for the two of pentacles next to the card for the Rider-Waite-Smith deck. The most significant difference to me is that I portrayed the balance with a sense of stability whereas the person in the original card is balanced on one foot. Do they have control of the situation? Will they topple over or lean into the ever-swaying happenings of human existence?

While I remember being completely unaware of the world around me during my teenage years as well as my 10 years of alcoholism, I do remember my childhood being asked “What do you want to be when you grow up?” This question haunts me, to this day. How might a child answer? How could the adults not see the anxiety it lays on the shoulders of the youth? How could hiding the reality of finances possibly lead to a healthy adult capable of building their own foundation?

I wish I had these realizations before witnessing my grandma ask my kids what they wanted to be when they get older. When my daughter, who was maybe three at the time, answered “a mommy,” my grandmother rolled her eyes and scoffed. The pressure to perform, that has lived in the hollow altar I dug in my chest during childhood, was not something I dreamt up. That requirement of doing more…more…more…it was always there, and it remains. My altar deepens, and I leave offerings of flowers with a whisper that says we can soften in this harsh world. Softness in a hostile world is strength, after all.

It has always been my belief that happiness and health should be at the forefront of one’s life. Struggles with money led to me clinging to a false god for any sense of safety. Let’s imagine a future where children don’t have to worry about growing up and not being able to feed themselves.

Suffering is unavoidable. We can surrender to what is present in this moment, and still dream better futures. Cultivating community and building resilience seem to be steps in the long process of bringing said futures to our doorstep. I will not lie, I am not a community builder. With social anxiety I am still working through, I do aim to dip my toe in where I can.

Building emotional resilience is the dance I am learning now. It is the pentacles I have balanced in my hands: the guttural desire to scream in despair and the tender knowing that Love is what will move us through such painful times. Among other areas in my life I attempt to soften, this is perhaps the most difficult. My heart bruises so easily. I feel the heaviness in my arms and legs begging for collapse at the slightest hint of difficulty. It is time for me to now offer this altar my tears. I will fill it to the brim with all my anxiety, sadness, despair…and then I shall drink from it. I will remember the felt emotions that led me to this moment. I will stand stronger than before, and each time I return to the well for another drink, the water will whisper we were always with you. You simply had to open.

That’s all for this essay. Here’s hoping the next one arrives to you within one week. Everyone stay well, stay fed, stay safe. May we all Love each other better.

Rikki

Subscribe now

My Care Mail Art Club is open for sign-ups!

Mail club sign-ups are open! In order to fund my dream of self-publishing my creative work, I have started a care mail art club. Sign-ups are open for a monthly membership, but there is also an option for one-off purchase for those with subscription fatigue. You can get more info on all that on my Ko-fi. It’s $11 untracked. Each package is unique, though the standard set-up is that members will usually receive at least an original artwork, a new sticker, and a new zine (and usually more).

My podcast Living Practice is live! The fourth episode is now available.

The fourth episode of Living Practice is available here. On this page there are also links for Apple Podcasts and Spotify. Please go listen if you have a moment. Let me know what you think! Leave a review, rate it or comment if possible. I plan to update monthly. There may be surprise bonus episodes when recording time allows.

Let’s Connect!

Website

Bookshop

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Bluesky

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Monk and Robot Series by Becky Chambers (apologies for stumbling on the authors’ name in the audio, my memory failed for a moment)

Sign up for Care Mail Club here.

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Let’s Connect!

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