I would make a resolution to write more (here, there and everywhere), but a resolution of any kind is incongruent with my belief that resolutions are the devil.

Setting myself up for disappointment is my favorite drug (e.g., I make a promise to myself, fail whatever promise it was, then scream to myself about myself: “see, you suck!” That in itself is an addiction.)

So I decided not to take the resolution drug this year.

(Yes, this is THE Clermont Hotel, and yes, we DID visit the historic Clermont Lounge last night—and doing that sober is WILD—but I absolutely loved their marquee sign.)

I’m Day 55-ish sober (I am tracking days, but not waking up and counting each day if that makes sense). I think day counting IS important to check in, but mostly to celebrate the days.

And a fun thing is to not really track for a bit, open up the app tracker and see the number—it’s usually a nice surprise. Like “wow, already X days,” and that can be cool.

I think tracking days can also be used for evil if you’re not careful. The comparison game.

Read more

Just kidding. A little video because I am short on time, and wanted to provide an update.

Sending love to all you,

Meredith

PS: I recommend checking out Louise Atthey on Substack. She’s …

Read more

Not a mean or bad witch (although I’m sure I have those qualities a solid amount of time), but rather an “open,” someone who feels things, predicts even weirder things. The witch who picks up the phone to call my mother, and she’s calling me at the same time (arguably, she’s a witch too).

Read more

I am working a full-time job, the same part-time job I’ve had for years, AND I also decided now (yes NOW!) is the time to write that blasted fiction book.

This makes perfect sense…
…to an addict.

I am in a new wave of frantic.

Read more

Time simultaneously flies and drags along at a terrifyingly slow pace—it feels like whiplash…

Read more

Share Sober Shots of Life

I had (have) a wonderful friend in sobriety - I’ll call her Sharon for the purpose of this place. She is about 17 years my senior, and I always thought she was…

Sunshine Reading Meter: ☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️

Read more

Because I wanted to survive.

Sunshine Reading Meter: Negative One Million ☀️
Explosive Reading Meter: 💣💣💣🔥

Subscribe now

Read more

Until I wasn’t.

But it wasn’t about the paper degree. It was more about reclaiming something lost to me long ago.

My current brokenhearted isn’t about me not going back to school, though.

It’s about watching our daughter not quite grasp the thing she’s been working so hard for..

She finished 33rd in the world in the 16-17 Age Group CrossFit semifinals.
(Which I want to pause a beat to take that in…
THIRTY.
THIRD.
IN.
THE.
WORLD.

Like, wow.)

But… she “needed” to be 30th to move on to her ultimate goal of returning to the CrossFit Games in the 16-17 division.

So many variables outside of her control.
So many variables inside of her control.
All of the many, many variables outside of my control.

I love a good rule. I love a good enforcement of a standard. When everyone knows the rules going in, then everyone plays by them—or chooses not to, but then deals with the consequences—you have a better outcome.

Unfortunately, my daughter’s heart belongs to a sport that continues …

Read more

“No, I’m good.”

“Okay,” I said, driving off.

“You can get a coffee, you know,” he said.

“Yeah, I know.”

But he didn’t want a coffee. I didn’t want to inconvenience him. I didn’t even know if I wanted a coffee. How do I know what I want?

Read more

Read more

I could absolutely drink today.

Because my nervous system is shot. Because the pollen is out. Because I am waiting on a phone call. Because I am nervous. Because our country is under attack.

Let’s be real. I could drink everyday.

Read more

Sunshine reading meter: ☀️☀️☀️☀️

If you ever need a sober reminder of why drinking messes up your life, check out the 2021 Netflix series True Story, with Kevin Hart and Wesley Snipes.

Last night was one of those nights where I had the fleeting thought: “a drink would be nice.”

(Note: I am a little over 5 months sober at present, and for those new to my story, I had almost 6 years of prior sobriety 2015-2021. Summary: it’s best that I am a sober human.)

So yeah, “a drink would be nice” —one of those nights where you close the computer and need something symbolic to say “I am off duty.”

The day was difficult, lots of emotions, and checking out would have felt a-okay with me.

It wasn’t a huge struggle not to drink last night, not really. Just that small tug of romanticizing the idea of a drink.

But the idea of the drink is always different than the execution of the drink…

Read more

Sunshine Reading Meter: ☀️☀️☀️☀️

=========

I wonder why I am living vicariously through my daughter today.

She’s somewhere in life that I can never be again. Maybe that’s it?

I am not fifteen. I will never be fifteen years old again. I am not as fit as she is, and well, I have never been that fit. I don’t feel jealous at all, not really, any way about that…

Read more

[But also, we didn’t like you that much back when you were drinking anyway.]

Sunshine Reading Meter: ☀️☀️☀️

I had a conversation this morning, and…

Read more

What a terrible ride that was. I really thought I was going to disappear again... it challenged me. It really did.

My internal voice was very much all about, “Just hide.…

Read more

=======

October 2024

I had my first therapy appointment in a long while yesterday.

The therapist asked what the hardest thing about my body was,
and all I could respond is that:

I have one.

The therapist came “at me,” pretty hard…

…and I wasn’t surprised, because I essentially requested one who didn’t sugar-coat, didn’t let me complain, and gave me the truth.

Instead of her “giving” me the truth, however, she made me say the truth out loud. I didn’t like that.

Therapist: What do you hate about your life?

Me: (silence)

Read more

“The characters have built hell with their own hands;
they are the ones who will have to take it apart again.” source

I seem to remember this time from my prior period of sobriety.

The time when every…

Read more

This thought runs through my head: do I make my own life difficult in order to punish myself? That seems absurd and also, sort of correct from where I sit.

But what do I know, I’m doing sober ruminating because I’m in the can’t-ever-sleep-phase

.

This is a really hard phase of new sobriety. I remember it from last time…

Read more

Sunshine Reading Meter: ☀️☀️☀️

“Meredith?”

The mammogram technician called me back to the dark room.

I cringed.
I knew her.
From high school.

She was older than I was in school, but I remembered her.

Oh yes, I did.

Because my boyfriend—right after we broke up—decided that he would like her.

Read more

(Also, for a picture… I highly recommend this book. It was a fantastically beautiful tale of addiction, family, forgiveness and growth.)

Read more