I’ve made no secret about my addictive tendencies. I have struggled with escapism back to days in my early childhood, when I began reading — a much encouraged behavior in my obsessively-intellectual household. But what I found, really, is that through books and stories, I could escape the overwhelm, confusion, uncertainty, creeping despair, unsettling psychic events, and boredom of everyday life.

The world was both overly chaotic and wildly underwhelming.

I also felt a deep disconnection from what felt real. What I know now is that I felt disconnected from Spirit.

Raised Protestant, I never found God in church.

I found Spirit while playing outside, wandering our woods, playing “witch with her cauldron” with our old plastic child’s pool filled with rainwater and fallen leaves.

But I didn’t understand what was lacking, I just felt the lack. And the need to escape what I felt unequipped to handle.

In books, I could be anyone, do anything. I found liberation in plots of daring adventure, made sense of my world through exploring alternative ones. I found camaraderie in imperfect characters up against all sorts of odds, including — and maybe especially — those fighting the inner battles I could feel and sense but didn’t yet have understanding of.

From books I went deep into a perfectionist tendencies, obsessing over perfect grades and becoming the best in the orchestras I played in. After that it was sex. Then video games and food. Weed. Alcohol. And finally, sleeping pills and narcotic pain medicine.

Sometimes I wonder how I even survived the decade of 2010-2020.

About six years ago, my addiction drove me to desperation. I had started my awakening and healing journey in 2015, with little success. I’d explored many healing modalities in attempt to escape the hell pills and alcohol had made my life. My addiction finally drove me, literally, from my home.

In my desperation, I drove over 600 miles to escape the monkey on my back. It still took me another few years to realize the truth of, “no matter where you go, there you are,” but it was the first step toward liberation from the monkey.

And the trip I took was my calling back to Spirit, even though I, again, didn’t realize it until much later. The addiction was the crack in my psyche through which I heard Spirit calling me back.

I wish I could fully describe the long list of synchronicities that led me to my first Ayahuasca ceremony, but the experience was surreal and non-linear. I’ll do my best to explain the events that occurred that go beyond any rational explanation.

Pilgrimmage

During the summer of 2021, I began to have extremely vivid dreams of the mountains in Colorado. But they were more than dreams — I felt a pull. It was a calling.

I began to fix up my car to go car camping (something I’d been considering for a while) so that I could take 3-4 weeks to go camping in the mountains there. I’d planned on parking in a national or state park, which was free if you didn’t stay in the same spot twice (no services), but instead I found (somehow, I don’t even remember how) a large, open space tucked back into the the mountains where RVs and vehicles could stay overnight. It was behind a small ridgeline, next to a highway, but empty and I remained undisturbed. This little gravel-paved lot was about a 30-minute drive to Woodland Park, which is where I went to get provisions when I needed them.

Before I left, while I was setting up my car for camping, I was shopping for something I needed and, over the intercom, a song that I didn’t know came on the radio. It was about Colorado. It felt like confirmation for what I was doing.

I couldn’t (and still can’t) explain it, but it felt important to go. I needed to go.

I trusted the call, although that was odd for me at the time. But that was the key. Trust.

Once there though, I spent several days in solitude, quiet, and meditation, I experienced the spirits of the land and people, which was distressing (I’m still trying to learn to navigate those experiences).

But after ten days, I began to get restless and started asking, “why am I here?” I knew it was about my addiction but, aside from not bringing any sleeping medications (or anything else) with me, in order to get my system cleaned out, I didn’t know what I was doing.

This is where things start to get really weird.

When I had first parked in this secret little lot, I had driven back to see how far it went and how many people were parked, and to decide what the best spot to park in was. I am certain that there was an old camper van back there (although when I went to check later, there was no camper to be found, and I had not seen them leave through the only entrance/exit where I was parked).

I was sitting there one evening, contemplating “why am I here,” and feeling the itch of wanting to escape myself . I had nothing to ease the urge, and I started to wonder if the person in the van had anything they could sell me.

First, I will say, buying anything like that is not and has never been my way. I’ve always been a more opportunistic seeker, taking what I find, but not really actively seeking.

Second, I decided I was simply too afraid — of whoever might be in the camper, and that I had no way of testing or even knowing what I was really getting. I’d never done any kind of “street drugs” or whatever you’d like to call them, never bought from anyone, and really had no idea what I would be doing.

But still, that itch persisted. Got worse.

This is where some of it feels non-linear.

Before I left, long before I had the first dream of Colorado, seeds had been planted:
1. I’d watched a documentary on Ayahuasca, although I don’t recall any of it or even the name of it.
2. I’d pulled out some money from savings, more than I would need for car camping, and had more money at my disposal than I might normally have had.
3. I’d been searching on MeetUp for spiritual groups, just in general, and had briefly — briefly — seen an Ayahuasca ceremony listed for somewhere in Canada. But, being in Canada, I basically ignored it. It was just the briefest of blips.

None of this came to mind until after the ceremony, when the realization of being so distinctly led to ceremony hit me like a semi-truck.

So, I suddenly had the brilliant idea: well, I have the money, I’ll fly to Peru for an Ayahuasca retreat! (I laugh at the innocence and ignorance of this now.)

Keep in mind that I had absolutely no idea what Ayahuasca really was, and that I’d never done any psychedelics before.

But, well, I was itching.

Unfortunately, I was unprepared to fly internationally. I had my passport, I’m sure, but aside from camping stuff and clothes, nothing else.

So then came the next insight: search for one in the U.S. — I had plenty of time if I needed to drive somewhere.

The places I was parked in there in the mountains was so remote, I’d had no cellular service, let alone enough service to use the internet. But somehow, something was working in my favor. I was able to use my internet for exactly the amount of time I did this search and register for ceremony.

So, I Googled “Ayahuasca ceremonies in the United States” (or similar). I found a site that listed the top ten retreats in the U.S. The first and only one I clicked on took me to a simple page for a group that was giving ceremonies and one of those places was…

Woodland Park, Colorado. The very place I was sitting 30 minutes outside of for a month with no idea why.

They come to Colorado twice a year.

And they were here, with three spots left in their 2-night ceremony in ten days.

I read the FAQs thoroughly before booking, right down to the recommended items to bring — pillow, blankets, check; clothes and hygiene, check; non-breakable (and non-metal) water bottle, check; and… the kicker, a 4-inch folding foam sleeping mat — the exact one I had bought to sleep in my car.

So I purchased my spot. Filled out the questionnaire. Thanks to Spirit, my internet held out just long enough to get it done.

That night I heard tropical birds as I fell asleep, deep in a warm embrace that I didn’t yet understand.

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The Sacred Invitation

This story is not to highlight how special I am, how I did anything magickal to manifest this, to show how lucky I am. It’s nothing of the sort.

I was broken. I was at rock bottom, ready to run away from my life, quite literally, and much to my shame.

I was broken.

What had started with books in order to escape and try to make sense of my life at such a young age had turned into a monster, one that was literally killing me, eating me from the inside out.

And yet, Spirit used that to call me back. The fractures the addiction caused were were the Light got in.

It took more than that 2-night ceremony, of course, and so much personal work, healing, and transformation. I sat in ceremony every 3-4 months for three years, then took a long integration (currently at just over two years, but feeling the call back to the medicine very strongly now).

What I found was no less than a miracle. Not a flash-of-light, one-and-done event, but a calling back to myself — slowly, carefully, and well-guided.

But it gave me my life back in a way that makes me cry with gratitude.

And Spirit can do that for you too. It doesn’t have to be Ayahuasca, of course; each of our paths are different. But it doesn’t have to be a 12-step program either.

It’s living, breathing. It’s Life, it’s Spirit.

I don’t believe addiction is the root of our issues, nor do I believe that addictive behavior is a character flaw.

And I think that we are all addicted to something: substances, food, social media, shopping, sex, perfectionism, overwork, striving, desiring…

This shows it’s a symptom of something deeper, a spiritual sickness caused by our disconnection from Spirit.

Recovery can be an initiatory path.

It’s about letting go of who we thought we were (including the “I am an addict and will always be an addict” mentality that 12-program steps push on us) and reconnecting to who we actually are.

Recovery is remembrance.

Spirit is calling, even through the haze of drugs, or deep dissociation, or whatever other symptoms you may struggle with — and maybe calls the loudest through those hazes, or maybe we can hear it better that way.

What I did wasn’t magickal.

What I did was listen.

I knew something had to change or I was going to die, even if I didn’t consciously register it. My body knew. My soul knew.

There is hope. There is always hope.

Plant the seed of the hope for recovery deep in your heart. Water it with tears of you grief — because there will be so many tears.

Then trust the path that opens up before you.

I am not a healthcare provider. What I offer is not medical advice. I am simply someone walking the recovery and (alternative, holistic) medicine path who wishes to walk alongside you. Please seek professional medical help for detox, health conditions, and mental health support.

This morning I was awoken very suddenly from a deep sleep, so deep that it took me several minutes to remember who I was, where I was, and what had taken place the previous day. As I lay there, many things flooded into my mind: a longing to return to the Amazon Forest to sit with the medicine again, memories of the colonization of the same place, the goodness I felt with the people there, and several other things.

As I contemplated and time passed in the dark, my thoughts turned to hope. I can’t say why, for certain; something I brought back with me from the depths of the Underworld in sleep, wisdom given to me by the spirits there, perhaps.

But for the first time, I felt a little seed of hope deep in my heart. That maybe, just maybe, on the other side of all this pain, betrayal, and fear there is something greater at work here. That there is hope.

I’m an idealist. My first memories are that of confusion at why everyone was yelling, why they were so unhappy, and the absence of love. I think most children probably experience this, coming from the purer, more benevolent realms where souls reside before/after death and birth.

I’ve always insisted that there is a way to live, sometimes with an incredible amount of naïveté that exasperated people. “Why can’t we all just get along?” has been my thought and thorn in my side for as long as I can remember.

It’s easy to see how we can live better but it’s not always easy to see how we go from where we are to a better way of life. And, after all the pain I’ve been through the past five years, I admit that I have fallen into despair, and, more recently with the political betrayal, fear. This fear is primarily centered around my 15-year-old son (as of today — happy birthday, kiddo!), because: what kind of world are we leaving our children?

But this seed sits in my heart, and I feel the return of hope. I was reminded of a few amazing scenes in different shows that really struck me at the time, which feel even more profound and sacred now.

The first is from Sandman, in which Dream challenges Lucifer to a battle both of wits and of body. The scene plays out like a verbal chess match, with each trying to conjure up a more powerful idea in order to destroy their opponent’s previous idea, with increasing stakes. At one point, Dream appears to have lost, is dying, and it is only because of his stalwart companion (a man turned into a raven), who doesn’t want Dream to lose because then he (the raven-man) will be trapped in Hell, gives Dream the winning key: hope. Nothing can overcome hope because hope is without reason, greater even than fear itself.

In The Hunger Games, we see President Snow talking to the gamemaker Seneca Crane, after Katniss shoots an arrow through an apple in a roasted pig’s mouth, creating a threat (unbeknownst to Crane) to the iron fist of Snow’s rule.

In The Rings of Power, we have two scenes, only one of which I was able to find (the second). The Elves are dimishing due to the spread of the Shadow and will need to leave Middle Earth if they are not able to find a way to heal themselves (and their sacred tree). In the second scene, Elrond gives the King’s own counsel back to him by saying,

I admit, I fall into periods of deep melancholy, apathy, and anhedonia (lack of pleasure in anything). While it could be said that this is due to a chemical imbalance in the brain, from a spiritual perspective, it’s more likely that “life” — society and the way we live, especially in the Western world — is so out of alignment with the way things are meant to be (that is, Life) that depression is more likely a symptom than a cause.

As J. Krishnamurti said (something I quote often),

If you are an idealist, know that I feel your pain. Not just the pain that is the chaos of a very dark world, but the very acute pain that lives in us when we can see a better way of living and of life without the means to make it happen, and when people all around us say, “that will never happen; it’s unrealistic.”

That has been one of the greatest pains of my life: to have my ideals shut down through seeming practicality. If I had a dollar for every time I heard, “that will never happen,” perhaps I’d be rich enough to be able to make them happen.

But still, hope persists. In the dark of night, such as last night, I am woken from the deepest of slumbers with a a message of hope, one that I wanted to share with you.

It’s not that we aren’t against great odds. It’s not that we are all together in a great movement. It’s not that even that we make change for ourselves or even for our children. It’s the hope that if enough people change themselves, change how they perceive and interact with the world, and share that with one or two other people, that eventually — eventually — it’s easier to live in hope, in peace, in love.

I’ll leave you with a final scene from a show I’ve been rewatching recently, The Wheel of Time, where this is illustrated.

In it, Perrin, who accidentally killed someone and is struggling to cope and heal, talks with one of the Tuatha’an, a group of peaceful wanderers who won’t raise a weapon even to defend themselves. I find this especially moving and resonant as someone who declared themselves a pacifist in the past five or so years.

Peace to you, fellow wanderer.

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Now, I don’t really get behind the Law of Attraction because I feel it is a misunderstanding of the truth of the Law of Vibration, which it is supposedly based upon. As with so many other spiritual truths, it has been warped into a tool for more and more consumerism.

Real magick has nothing to do with getting what you want, but receiving what you need. A plant doesn’t ask the sun to shine more brightly, it grows a leaf where the sun shines.

In the same way, we do not do magick or participate in the Law of Attraction to gain what we think we want. Magick is meant to show us where we lack and give us the means to grow. This is why “tests” are so common with magick — it’s a chance to demonstrate whether or not you have done the growth necessary in order to receive what you need (or, yes, sometimes want; sometimes they are one and the same).

The Law of Attraction teachings circumvent the true spiritual nature of the teachings. And often people end up worse because when the things they want or ask for don’t show up, the believe that there is something wrong with them, that they are not “vibrating high enough.” Don’t fall for that. Don’t fall into shame.

The truth is, the Universal Laws or Hermetic principles are not independent of one another. They work together synergistically and harmoniously.

For example, the Law of Vibration states that we resonate with certain things. The Law of Polarity states that everything occurs in opposites. The way this manifests, these two laws together, looks like this: people who need healing are drawn to healers (whether proclaimed or not). If your presence is grounding, you will attract ungrounded people. If your presence is harmonious, you will attract chaotic people. This isn’t bad, it doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong, it just means that you are medicine for them, and they for you.

This occurs (as per the Law of Rhythm) until we decide we no longer wish for it to. That decision (the Law of Mentalism) changes our vibration, and thus our lives (Law of Correspondence). Then we attract a different sort of people and circumstances — perhaps we need a period of peace, and so people drop away out of our lives until we live as a hermit for a while. But eventually that Rhythm will circle back around until we are again in the former circumstances, giving us another opportunity to know ourselves more deeply and better, so that we can make wiser decisions (Law of Mentalism).

These Laws are so intertwined that it’s impossible not to discuss one without bringing in more and more of them. If you can understand the beautiful web (or matrix) they create, then you are well on your way to embodying them and creating real magick.

Below, I’ll explain the Hermetic Principles, and then share the alchemical process I use in order to keep mastering and then surrendering to the Universal Intelligence, or Great Spirit, in order to keep evolving.

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We have bled red death for you,
bared our hearts, shared our souls,
and you have left us raped and bereft,
a barren wasteland of useless overuse.

Have you ever stopped to think you may be to blame?
You rape, and you take, and you dominate;
but now we stand before you,
one screaming naked woman.

Our hearts are broken; our bodies, too.
We have loved and tried to be perfect for you
but you have never really seen us for who we are
because you cannot see who you really are.

We are blinded by our tears but you are blinded by your fears.
Your boots and stones rain down on us,
but all we ever see is who you could become
if you put down the stones
and come back into our arms.

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The Deep Inhale

We don’t often stop
to thank the trees
for making the air we breathe.

But we love them in
their dying moments
when they flash so vividly,
orange and red and gold.

The visible takes our breath away
but the invisible gives us breath.

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For 20 years, I wanted to die.

I was in love with the thought — the idea — of death. I was terrified of dying, but death had an allure I could barely fight off each day.

My life, from almost any perspective, was gilded. I was privileged. I had resources, a (seemingly) supportive family, time freedom, everything a girl could want.

But I wanted to die.

It wasn’t so much about dying, but being dead. The ultimate escape from reality. I’ve spent my whole life finding ways to escape. First, reading and books. I taught myself to read at the age of three and consumed books at a record rate for over ten years.

Then it was chatting on the internet, pretending to be people I wasn’t from places I hadn’t ever been, as well as writing.

Then I threw myself into schoolwork and the violin in high school, boosting my ego by judging my peers.

In college, it was video games and food. Later, it was alcohol, and eventually pills.

As Freud would put it, the Thanatonic (or Chthonic, as HP Lovecraft conceived) drive had dominated my life.

Now that the Thanatonic/Chthonic impulse is more in control (or perhaps I’m just accepting it more), I’ve begun to explore it, to question it. Here are my current reflections.

The Taboo

Why is suicide so taboo, especially in this day and age with so many people (and growing), the toll we take on the planet, and the deep suffering due to capitalism and materialism that pills cannot end? Can suicide be seen as a form of self-sacrifice if it’s done to reduce the load on humanity and the planet, and could it be said that there is a moral responsibility to do so?

We need to question the demonization of suicide and death, why we take away free will when it comes to death, and why humanity has such a strong impulse to survive (even if not living, but only existing, as so many do) to the point of its own — and the planet’s — destruction.

At what point does the survival instinct begin to take away from our humanity, not to mention our spirituality?

And yet, the ones who usually consider these questions are those of high intelligence, which means that perhaps there is a moral responsibility to stay and reproduce? Assuming that a high IQ persons (which is, admittedly, not a true indication of the breadth of intelligence and its types) would help preserve life in all its forms. Still, that’s a catch-22: again, we are back to preserving life (which is usually human-centric, even in persons of high intelligence).

To be clear, this is not suicide because of depression or other mental illnesses (more on that below), nor is it because one seeks to better their circumstances or reach some utopian afterlife. (In fact, perhaps this is why Catholicism/Christianity demonized suicide so much, to prevent people from killing themselves to reach heaven sooner, since priests and the like were emphatically preaching a way of life and worship to get into heaven.)

Revolutionary Suicide

There is a movie called “The Discovery,” which is about a world in which the afterlife is scientifically proven to exist. Because of this, there are suicides by the thousands each day. The story is about the toll it takes on the son of the man who proved the existence of the afterlife. It’s the story of trying to save a woman who attempts suicide, with a huge reveal at the end.

This movie really illustrates the desire for something better. We overcome our impulse to survive when we realize we can change our circumstances through death. And yet, it also shows the deep grief it causes those “left behind” in the aftermath of death.

And it beautifully questions what the afterlife may be in a very meta-conscious way.

Is it really right and moral to take away someone’s choice to die, even to kill themselves? At what point does our impulse to survive as a species (a macro of the impulse to survive as an individual) override the individual’s freedom to die?

How deeply do we cling to those we love in fear of losing them? Especially if to love is to recognize that eventually this love may be lost in death? At what point does our aversion to grief dominate the desire to end suffering, both personal and collective?

This suicide is one of two things: one, a form of self-sacrifice — one less person in the world means less impact on the planet, more resources to go around; two, a form of protest against the Empire and its psychopathic leaders.

If we return to the idea of Christianity, it is stated in the Bible that there is no greater form of love than to give one’s life for one’s brother (or kin), so in this way, it can be seen as a virtuous act.

Of course, again, intention plays a big part in this. If you are lying to others about why you are committing suicide, or worse, lying to yourself, then you may not receive what you expect in the afterlife, if there is such a place.

Alternatively, if you take your life out of some form of self-righteousness rather than self-sacrifice, you are wasting your life. Although I suppose the outcome is the same — one less person on the Earth to do damage and take up resources.

Another movie, called “A Sacrifice,” is about a young woman who meets a man who is involved in a “save the planet” cult in which they eventually commit mass suicide to help depopulate and provide relief for Mother Earth. There is drama, of course, and the healing of a broken father-daughter relationship.

But the questions it raises are undeniable (although I do wish they would have gone deeper and left more to question): at what point does the survival of the individual endanger the survival of the collective? and is this suicide or self-sacrifice?

(Obviously, the movie was about a cult, which puts into question a person’s free will, but the questions remain when brought up by a free-thinking individual.)

Why do we value the individual more than the collective (at least in Western cultures), and at what point does this need to be addressed?

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Spiritual Liberation through Death

If we look beyond suicide, we can see that most wars (if not fought for ego, pride, and/or power) have been fought for resources. They are a (seemingly) necessary evil since we seem to be unable to police our own instinct to reproduce. It’s the only man-created form of depopulation (opposed to naturally occurring forms such as famine or plague).

I find this an interesting line of thought because I became a pacifist after many years of contemplating war and violence. I feel it is a sin against nature to kill someone, and it damages the soul. (This is said with the utmost kindness toward soldiers — my father, my brother, and my husband were soldiers.)

But perhaps that is what has led me to this questioning: if one will not resort to violence, even to protect oneself, then one has overcome the biological impulse to survive at all costs.

The only question that remains is that of reproduction. Perhaps that is why so many spiritual paths insist upon celibacy. It is another impulse that keeps us enslaved here (if you have this perspective — I waffle back and forth depending on my mood; see Prison Plant theory as well as Matrix theory, if you wish) or reincarnation cycle.

And if we consider the perspective that we are not many, but in fact fractals of the One — something I like to call multiplicity — then the liberation of the One, of God or Source or whatever term we’d like to give to this higher power, is bound to each and every individual choosing both non-reproduction as well as death (whether suicide or not). Only then, once every human is dead, can the One Consciousness be free to dream a different dream.

We can also consider the crucifixion of Christ as part of this. He knew he was going to die, knew it was necessary -- did he know that it was in order to free the One? Did he feel there was a moral duty to remove himself from the world in order to benefit mankind? Or was he simply a rebel who angered the rulers?

The Right to Die

What about people who are terminally ill? Physician-assisted suicide is illegal in most states, with only a handful allowing physicians to prescribe drugs to help people end their lives, with extremely strict guidelines. One of which is that a person has to have a physical terminal illness.

Of course, one doesn’t need a prescription in order to end one’s life, but, admittedly, the pills are probably the most peaceful way to go.

But it doesn’t allow for people with serious mental illness to have a choice in the matter. In fact, we often lock them up for at least 72 hours, against their will and in order to protect them from themselves, although one is usually committed for seven days (ask me how I know), taking away their freedom and choice.

I ask you, how is this acceptable?

In days past, we would commit women who were a little too opinionated, those who had desirable money or property, people with disabilities, and the like. In 25, 50, or 100 years, are we going to look back with the same horror or disdain on the way we treat those with mental illness, as we do now with the lobotomy or committing women who wouldn’t submit?

While a lobotomy is a permanent physical alteration, locking people up for “their own good” is an emotional assault, not to mention the blow to self-confidence and the stigma that comes with it.

When did free will — freedom — become violable? Is it because capitalism is served by keeping people alive against their will? To sling pills?

Or is it a power game where people get off on taking away others’ free will, even if they don’t realize it? Even the impulse to “help people” can be seen as detrimental, a sort of god complex.

Perhaps it’s both.

And if they can take away the right to live and die, what other rights have they or will they take away? It’s a slow erosion over centuries, chipping away at every freedom in the name of safety. In the name of human-centric survival.

Beyond that, the stigma that comes with mental health struggles, addiction, and suicidal ideation is intense. It’s something you never get away from. But if death weren’t so taboo, if we could face our grief with dignity, would this be the case? If our society were different, perhaps mental health struggles wouldn’t exist — perhaps they are a signal that something isn’t right and we need to make some changes.

Dying with Dignity

In Western culture, at least, we fear aging, fear death, because it usually ends in being put in a nursing home. So many elderly die alone, without family or friends. Many suffer, whether physically or because there is no dignity given to them. We have lengthened our lives, but we have not improved them.

Everyone fears losing those they love because they refuse to accept and feel their grief. In this way, they deny dignity in death — any kind of death.

We are so obsessed with quantity - whether the number of years or the number of people - that we have failed the quality. People exist, but they don’t live. Few have purpose, shaving away at redundant and irrelevant jobs. Few get to do the things they enjoy because they have to pay the bills. So many (including myself) give up on their childhood dreams because they’re told they’re impractical.

We get older, yes. We’ve added 10, 15, 25 years to our lives, but many of those years are spent in physical pain or with disability. We feel like a burden on our family, on society. We end up in a nursing home where we are often forgotten about, sometimes even neglected by the overworked and underpaid staff.

What if, instead, we focused on improving the quality of our lives, disregarding the number of years?

Perhaps more people would die, and yes, we’d grieve. We’d have to feel again, not numb ourselves through substances, food, social media, and all the rest. (Yes, I’m the pot calling the kettle black.)

And if more people lived (rather than just existing), perhaps die younger or more often, we might solve the overpopulation and climate crises.

Then again, maybe not. Perhaps our impulses are so confused that we will always come up with a way to destroy everything and call it “survival.”

P.S. I’ve been sitting with this in “drafts” for two weeks now, terrified to publish it. These thoughts and questions go against all of our programming, not to mention our survival instincts. If you are going to comment, please be kind.

What I got was not what I wanted, but it was what I needed.

A Merciless Mistress

Hel doesn’t fuck about. There is no fluff or nonsense with her. She will strip you down, take parts of your life that you don’t need, and show you what’s ready to “die,” even when you’re desperately clinging to them.

This is, of course, a good thing, even if it’s painful.

I’ve been working with Hel for over ten years now, but this is the closest I’ve been drawn to her, and it’s much like getting too close to a fire. What I’ve been shown that needs to die, I was not expecting or prepared for.

But, despite the pain, seeming failure, the grief of loss, and ego tantrum, I am trying to understand and appreciate what she is showing me.

Working with her this closely this time has not been like other times. I usually feel her as a strong, motherly type (she is, after all, the steward of the dead). She’s been caring, compassionate, loving, helpful, and kind. She’s “taken” things away before in various ways, and maybe it was just as painful before, but I just don’t remember it. I think, in the past, it was much more chaotic, and I wasn’t as aware of what was happening, but I admit, this time it hurts.

But it’s not really her that’s causing me pain; it’s the loss of what I need to let die within me and within my life. It caught me by surprise, and I’ve been letting it sink into my bones, feel my grief, and slowly let go.

What’s Over, Done With, and Gone

It’s been a hellish week (see what I did there?). I’ve been shown all the ways that things aren’t currently working, had tests and trials arise that I wasn’t expecting, and lost some things that I thought were aligned but apparently aren’t.

I struggle with chronic back pain. It’s run in my family. It’s probably one of those generational cycle things that I haven’t puzzled out to be able to heal yet, but I have been suffering. Cooking and baking bring me a lot of joy, but they also bring a lot of pain. I’ve been muddling through as best I can, but I also made an appointment with the pain management clinic to see if I could get some relief. I don’t go to the doctor a lot because Western medicine has failed me so much in the past (even though I come from a medical family).

The appointment didn’t go well. They cannot, will not, or for whatever reason didn’t do anything different than my primary care doctor. In fact, they are requiring me to repeat what I had done within the past two years. Once again, I have to go to physical therapy (despite having been unable to complete it twice before because of pain) before I can get an MRI, which will tell them and me what issues I have. Because of the level of pain and their complete inability to do anything helpful, I fell into despair. This is a large part of why I’ve been absent from Substack for the past several days.

I became disillusioned about Substack itself. I avoid social media like the plague because of the way it hypnotizes you through scrolling, the hours lost by not being present, and, for the most part, its uselessness. You can spend hours scrolling to find one resonant, impactful post, and that’s not a great use of time.

Unfortunately, Substack has recently made certain changes to its app and algorithm that make it appear more and more like Instagram (at least on mobile), which I really dislike. I’m not here for quote images. I’m not here for pictures with a captain. I’m here to find real writers writing real stuff.

So while I’m not giving up on Substack as a writer, I think I will perhaps spend less time on the app scrolling in search of that one gem of a post. I have many other things I prefer to spend my time on. But I know, too, that just like any other algorithm, the less time I spend scrolling, the less traction I will gain.

It’s not a pity-me party, but it’s unfortunate and discouraging. I’ve been writing on Substack for a few months now, and seeing the shift just in those few months has really disappointed me. I’m still going to read my favorite authors, but I will focus more on going directly to their page and reading rather than scrolling, which makes it harder to discover new gems.

On top of this, I had someone return from my past that I thought I had put behind me. This person is, relatively speaking, not of a healthy mind, manipulative, and likes to play the victim. I suppose they are a narcissist, and interacting with narcissists is obviously difficult because of the way they can gaslight you without even realizing they’re doing it, causing you to doubt yourself and question your decisions.

I won’t go into details, but suffice it to say that they want back into my life. I should kick them to the curb, but because of the manipulative energy, on top of my bleeding heart, I feel conflicted, confused, and uncertain as to what to do.

It’s hard to advocate for forgiveness, second chances, and unconditional love if you aren’t embodying it yourself. And yet I feel that this is a test of boundaries. If I don’t maintain my boundaries, what is now a snowball could turn into an avalanche that I don’t want or need in my life right now. So I’ve been doing a lot of Shadow Work around it, asking why this person has suddenly reappeared in my life, what resonance I have that has caused them to come back. I don’t have answers yet, just the knowing that it’s a test of boundaries.

The last two things go hand-in-hand. I was enrolled in school, trying to complete a marketing degree after numerous failed attempts at completing a bachelor’s degree over the years. I woke up to an email a few days after my official enrollment in the new term stating that my FAFSA funds had run out, and I needed to take out loans.

It’s an especially hard failure this time because I had initially enrolled with the goal of just completing a bachelor’s degree, just to prove to myself that I could. And now I can’t, not without racking up a huge student loan debt. I don’t think I’m willing to do that, especially since marketing was just supposed to help me grow my own business rather than what they were primarily teaching, which was how to be a marketer for a corporation.

At the same time, I had this overwhelming feeling of burnout with my own business, which was not a success. Perhaps it’s my recent diagnosis of ADHD and realizing that I can’t do what everyone else can without having to work four times as hard, perhaps my childhood interests are coming back (creative writing, cooking, and baking) so I don’t have the time or patience for business in the same way, or maybe it’s just plain burnout, but after ten years of unsuccessfully trying to make it work, I think it’s time for, at least, a break, if not shifting completely.

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The TL;DR

Working with Hel is never easy, and it brings up a lot of things that need to change. Things that need to die.

I’m planning to take a break from building a business (sessions, readings, etc.) in 2026, so I can focus on writing. I have spent so much money on systems, programs, websites, et al. that I would have been so much better off if I had just saved it. But it was a learning experience, so I’m grateful for it. Right now, though, I have to really think about the future.

So instead, I’ll be writing more, my first and most important love. Some of you may have noticed that I’ve created two other publications to more fully encompass my multidimensional self. They are still sparse, but within the next couple of months, they will fill out. And I’ll keep writing here, about spirituality and the Dark Goddesses, but perhaps not quite as often (I’m at the mercy of the Muse on that one).

Hel is an incredible goddess to work with, and this post isn’t meant to scare you off, but go in with an open mind and willingness to look at the hard stuff because what she strips away from you isn’t aligned for you anyway. Letting go of those things creates room for what is aligned.

Winter Solstice — this year it’s December 21st — is the longest night of the year, when darkness stretches for over 14 hours (here in the Midwest).

In the homes of our ancestors, the hearth log would be used to light the next year’s hearth log, thus passing the light and blessings they had over the previous year to the next year’s log. The hearth log was incredibly important to our ancestors (I’m speaking here specifically about ancestors in Western, Northern, and Eastern Europe) as losing the fire in the hearth could mean death in the long, cold winter.

This ritual and celebration would be done on Módraniht, Mother’s Night, the first of twelve days of the Jöl, Yule, celebration (sound familiar? we get the twelve days of Christmas from this). This was the most important night, and everyone would stay up all night to make sure the fire didn’t go out.

Light is, of course, also a metaphor for enlightened consciousness. We are experiencing the deep, dark winter of consciousness in these unsettling times. So having stewards to guard the light and keep it going is crucial to the continuation of life. Thankfully, Spirit and Nature have taken care of this by awakening so many souls at this time.

Celebrations & Rituals

While most of us no longer have fireplaces or need to keep a fire blazing in order to survive the winter, caring for and stoking the Light of consciousness is vital. And what better way to celebrate light than to sit up all night with a lighted candle, contemplating the year gone past and the year yet to come?

We can turn it into a celebration with others we love and care about by having a big feast, sitting around and sharing stories, drinking mead or other delicious and warming drinks. What a beautiful way to celebrate our ancestors who lived and died to get us to where we are now.

Making a Yule Log cake is still traditional in Western Europe, too. This cake can stand in for the hearth log of our ancestors, and becomes a delicious treat for those we wish to celebrate with. (Recipe to come on Healing at the Hearth.)

Winter is the best time for planting seeds, in a metaphorical and metaphysical sense. This is where New Year’s resolutions came from. Setting intentions for the coming year is vital for directing the course of your year and life. Forget goals, forget what you think of as a resolution. Make decisions about what you want to do in the coming year, and then let life bring you the opportunities to do them! Find the resolution within to stay true to the decisions you make. This is the Will. This is the way of magick.

What you plant now will root during the fallow months and blossom in spring and summer.

During this time, it’s also important to reflect on the ways we have been blessed this past year and consider how we might give back. Especially during these challenging times, helping one another is essential if we are to continue surviving and thriving as a species and as a planet. Whatever you decide is a noble cause is where you can dedicate your energy and time in the coming year. This is also how we can preserve the light of consciousness.

Feasts and sweet treats are also traditional at this time of year. We are celebrating the abundance of our harvest, fattening ourselves up, before the long dark winter months of January and February. These are, in my perspective, the longest and hardest months of the year. It may be important for you to consider how you will cope in healthy ways to get yourself through those months. Our abundance and harvest may not be literal anymore, so consider the past year and what you have reaped. Let those carry you into the new year with gratitude and high hopes for the coming year.

Personally, I enjoy selecting a word of the year for myself. Just know that whatever word you choose, you will have the trials and tribulations of the opposite. For example, my word for 2025 was courage, and I spent the beginning of the year going through a very difficult and trying experience that first showed me how much fear I still had to overcome and provided opportunities to overcome it. In other words, I found my courage by facing my fears through difficult experiences.

For 2026, I am still deciding between consistency and creation. (For some reason, most of my words of the year usually start with “c.”) I know that whichever I choose, I will face the obstacle of the opposite, so I am trying to make my choice with wisdom.

Whatever you choose, and whatever obstacles you face, know that you are capable of overcoming them. And know that the outcome will be worth the trials.

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If you’re interested in doing a Rose dieta, make sure to use the coupon code at the bottom of the post for 10% off.

It’s been almost four years (really??) since my first Ayahuasca ceremony. I start here because this is where I met my mentor who I’ve worked with for the past three years.

My first Ayahuasca experience was especially troubling because I walked in totally blind. Ayahuasca created next-level synchs to lead me to her (truly, mind-blowing). I had never really done any psychedelics and was completely unprepared for the humbling of the medicine, not to mention the exorcism I needed.

This difficult experience was beautiful in so many ways, but one thing I remember the most is the incredible people I met those two nights. (I’ll tell that story at a later date.) And one of those people became my mentor.

The Dieta (or Attunement)

After working with Ayahuasca for about a year on-and-off every three to four months, one of the facilitators and I were talking. I had tried to be very up-front about my addiction issues (which is common in people who are called to the medicine with amazing recovery stories) and mentioned to him that I wish I had a healthier option for day-to-day needs. In other words, I was looking for something to replace the everyday options that made me ill.

I was no stranger to herbalism, as it was part of my initial awakening in 2015, but the concept he described to me was foreign, quite literally.

He said that deep in the Amazonian jungle, they did plant dietas. This meant that, rather than a 2-3 day Ayahuasca retreat, they would isolate themselves for months at a time and work with only one plant. Sometimes it was Ayahuasca only, but there are many other plants in the jungle that they would do this accompanied or guided by Ayahuasca. And they would work with a mentor in order to make sure the connection to the plants was kept pure.

He mentioned that his girlfriend at the time did what is called “soft dietas,” meaning dietas that aren’t done exclusively in isolation. I quickly learned that this girlfriend was, in fact, the woman who was so integral to my first night of Ayahuasca.

He listed the plants that she worked with — Rose and Blue Lotus primarily — and suggested Blue Lotus since I was looking for more of a euphoric feeling like I got when I used substances.

But I was really intrigued by the idea of Rose, especially since I was currently studying and communing with Mary Magdalene.

So here’s how a soft dieta works:

You start with a cleansing week, cutting out all other herbal medicines, spices, herbs in food, and even salt. You stop most media, especially dark media (like horror movies). You are to abstain from sex (which seems to be the hardest for most people, from the dietas I’ve held for others). You begin introspecting and set intentions for your dieta, which lasts around three weeks, but is anywhere from two to six weeks, as is suggested by your intuition.

After the cleansing period, there is the “marrying” of your spirit with the plant spirit. This is why a mentor is important — they already know the plant spirit, have a relationship with them, and have been given permission by the spirit to help others with their dietas. This meditation, while not done together, is done at the same time, and your role is to be open and receptive while the mentor does the energy work. This is the beginning of your dieta.

During the subsequent weeks, the plant teaches, guides, and heals you as you work through issues in your life that pop up. You have calls with your mentor in order to do deeper healing and energy work, talk through what’s coming up (because, yes, it is very intense), and stay on track with your dieta.

One important thing to note is the crossing of the dieta.

There are rules around consumption (as listed above), and these are in place for a couple of reasons.

The first is to sensitize your body to energy. This is why salt is cut out, as salt is a naturally grounding compound.

The next is to prevent issues in the energy body. Some plants in the jungle are more strict than others, and crossing the dieta can be especially dangerous on a physical level.

And the last is to clear out all other “voices” so that you can properly hear the plant spirit who you are attuning with.

Of course, the healing of the crossing is something your mentor can do. Each day, your mentor will provide the clearing and healing necessary for your healing journey and uncross your energy field if there has been a discrepancy. It’s important to be honest with your mentor because of this, but also because that’s part of the healing journey. Don’t deceive yourself into thinking that it’s “all going to be fine,” because if you stay on the plant medicine path, eventually it will catch up to you. Plus, confession is good for the soul!

My mentor uses four elemental rituals to move the dieta forward within the timeframe you have chosen. This starts with a fire ritual to initialize your dieta, moves into water for healing, the “coming up for air” and into the mental plane for creating solutions to move forward, and, after the closing meditation, earth, for integration and embodiment. I’ve chosen to do this process too — fire, as setting intentions is wildly important, water is essential to healing, air brings us back up out of the deep, sometimes treacherous healing waters, and integration is one of the most important (and often overlooked) parts of healing work.

You will sit with your plant each day. This varies from plant to plant, but for Rose this usually looks like sitting with rose tea each morning during meditation. I also used rose hydrosol at times, too.

My Rose Dieta

Once I learned of the dietas that this woman offered, I decided to take the plunge. I trusted the facilitator who suggested it, trusted the woman, and my intuition was telling me that it was a good idea. I coincided the prep week with a trip to Sedona I was taking, so it was in the Spring (March — which I quickly learned was not a great time to travel to Sedona!). I only mention Sedona because of the synchs I experienced there.

I cooked up a pot of healing chicken soup and set off on the three-day drive to Arizona. The trip there was relatively uneventful. It wasn’t until I was there that the synchs started.

While I know that coffee (and caffeine) weren’t allowed on the dieta, I was addicted at that point, and I didn’t really create space in which to detox from it since I was traveling. (I no longer do this as caffeine is one of the most desensitizing things we consume, along with sugar.) So after arriving, the first thing I did was set about finding a coffee shop for morning coffee.

And what did I find?

A completely unique coffee shop that uses Rose extract in their coffee.

So I went over the next morning and had a beautiful rose latte. On top of that, they sell their “Rose Vibes” which is the concentrated rose extract that they add to their coffee. So naturally, I picked one of those up to take home, feeling like Rose was giving me permission not to do this dieta perfectly.

Despite this, the first week was incredibly difficult. It rained almost every day in Sedona, so I spent more time in my Airbnb than I had intended. This allowed for a lot more introspection, of course, but I didn’t get to see any of the vortex spots. This disappointment stayed with me for a long time.

I did some shopping, though, of course, despite being pretty anti-materialistic and anti-capitalistic.

I was in one store, browsing Tarot and oracle cards, and what did I find?

This Oracle of the Roses deck.

I know Rose is an icon within the metaphysical community, but I hadn’t expected her to pop up in these unlikely ways. So I purchased the deck and use it to find clarity during my dieta.

But the really difficult part was the long hours in my Airbnb with nothing to do. I did introspect, of course, but what Rose brought to my attention — confronted me with, really — was incredibly uncomfortable.

The Healing

I associated Rose with Mary Magdalene, as many do. But another Spirit came forward during that week that I was not expecting: Jean D’Arc.

In retrospect, I can say that I was healing self-abandonment, self-doubt, and imposter syndrome, but at the time I phrased it as “finding my inner champion.” This is where Jean D’Arc came into play.

When I started my prep week, my first foray into the dieta, I was daunted by the things I could not eat. I really didn’t know how to cook without red meat, without salt, and without other herbs. And especially without garlic or onion.

So when I set out to make the menu, I had a lot to learn. That’s when Jean D’Arc started coming in. She led me back to my roots (literally, root vegetables) of Western European “peasant” food: easy root vegetable soups, homemade bread, and limited fresh fruit, etc.

(Interesting, I am working on making this my current way of life as I feel that our ancestral diets play a big part in health, as it aligns with our DNA. But that’s something I’ll talk about on Healing at the Hearth.)

So the Jean D’Arc energy was already there. I did a deep dive into her life during those long hours and really considered what it meant to be a champion, follow your intuition no matter what anyone says or does, and, possibly, ultimately be destroyed because of it. Even though you know it may end badly, wonderful and incredible things can happen because you choose to follow your inner compass.

Grief

One of the big things I worked through and understood during my Rose dieta was grief and healing the womb.

Rose is tied very closely to grief in my mind. In fact, I held a grief ceremony at the local yoga/Reiki studio to help people heal. It’s what comes up for me during the “water” phase of the dieta.

Grief is no stranger to me. I’ve shared some of what happened with my ex-husband in another post (under Grief). I found Rose to be incredibly healing in this regard. Because Rose is, elementally, water, she can do incredible things when it comes to healing loss.

But that loss doesn’t have to be another person. What I worked on healing and feeling grief for was the person I could have been and the self-abandonment that led to where I was. Essentially, purging the grief from that and understanding I can be my own champion.

Beauty & Boundaries

Rose is classically known as one of the most beautiful plants there is. We give roses to our romantic partner, we use them in wedding arrangements, and, depending on the color, we can associate Her with purity and friendship.

She is beautiful. And beauty is something I really struggled with. As I mentioned in The Wisdom of the Hag, I’ve never seen myself as beautiful and have found refuge in the idea of having “hag” energy. But Rose encouraged me to shift my perspective.

Through things like using rose hydrosol and other beauty products with rose in them, I started the (still ongoing) process of shifting this lifelong paradigm.

But I also took a deep look at my own inner beauty.

As an idealist, I am often at odds with limited reality. I hold the frequencies of hope and kindness (and kindness as hope), so I’ve often been met with conflict and hostility. I’ve been condescended to, told I’m out of touch with reality, and that what I feel we can create with this world (the next Golden Age) will never happen.

But my dieta helped me realize that it’s important someone holds the vision. Without it, without hope for a better world, we are lost. This understanding was profoundly life-changing for me.

But Rose had another thing to teach me, and this was related to her physical structure: that all roses have thorns. If I wanted to hold the frequency of hope and kindness, then I needed to really work on my boundaries. Without them, I was easy prey.

So I set about working really hard, not just on boundaries, but energetic and psychic protection too. And it has made all the difference.

The Womb

Rose, as is Mary Magdalene, is closely tied to the womb and sexual trauma.

I had the opportunity toward the end of my dieta to go deeper into my healing through the womb, but I didn’t have the strength.

I thought it was worth noting here, though.

As I worked through the grief of my loss, I naturally came upon the sexual trauma I experienced in my marriage. My mentor encouraged me to do a yoni steam — essentially boiling a large pot of water to make rose tea and then (carefully) steaming the private body, but I was too adverse.

When I do a Rose dieta again, which I plan on doing in 2026, I plan on going deeper into the womb mysteries and creation.

Transformation

Rose was transformative for me, not just through what I wrote above, but because she introduced me to the world of plant dietas. This concept was completely foreign to me, but it somehow felt so right. Since then, I’ve also done dietas with Mugwort and Cacao.

The relationship that is cultivated during a dieta is often past-life related, but not always. Doing a dieta will deepen the relationship if already there or begin a relationship if not. You learn to commune with the Spirit directly, which is a beautiful thing.

I remember two winters ago when I became very ill with a stomach bug. It was so bad that when I went to the bathroom, I would pass out. I had a raging fever to the point of having psychedelic visions, which I hadn’t had since I was a child. The imagery I was receiving was that of a demonic spirit that was the illness, which I found very interesting after the fact.

I called upon every ally I had at that point, Rose included. I felt all of the spirits come to my energy field and begin to work on me. After an hour, the passing out subsided. By morning, I was almost completely well.

I am immensely grateful for the path that led me to work with such a beautiful plant and spirit. I still work with Rose a lot, and have planted several rose bushes in our yard. The transformation isn’t one-and-done; it’s an ongoing shedding of the old and embodying the new.

These spirits want to help us. They want to help change the world to something better. So, let’s take advantage of that.

Your Transformation is Waiting

The transformation these plants and spirits provide isn’t obscure or intellectual — they’re practical (like shifting your diet to a “peasant” diet), purgative (like making peace with a passed loved one), and emboldening (like becoming your own champion). These spirits can have a real effect on you and your life.

I realize that the idea of dietas is still somewhat unknown in the Western world unless you’ve worked with the South American tribes or Ayahuasca. That’s okay. The right idea will come to the right person at the right time.

The question is: are you the right person and is it the right time?

If Rose begins to appear to you through synchronicities, then perhaps you are, and perhaps it is. Pay attention to these signs. Listen to your intuition.

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I overdid it in the kitchen yesterday and was taking a rest in a recliner to rest my back. I knew I was drifting, thought maybe I was falling asleep, but didn’t really go that deep.

All of a sudden, I’m out of body in the Void plane, and I see someone coming toward me from this doorway of light. It was Kali, who I’ve worked with extensively in the past, but never met like this before.

I’ve worked with many spirits and deities, but I’ve never had them pull me into another dimensional plane, arrive in their full embodiment, and sit down with me to talk. Usually, I hear them speaking to me, feel their energy, feel them working on my energy field, but this was a completely different and wildly beautiful experience.

I’d had a rough relapse yesterday in my effort to stave off the pain of working in the kitchen (because cooking and baking bring me such joy, I refuse to quit), so Kali, as the Destroyer, of course, brought that to my attention. We discussed, briefly, the pattern of pain and needing medication for it, and if I was ready to let it go. (Meaning, the pain would stop when I no longer wanted the pain medication, which is something Ayahuasca taught me.) I admitted that I wasn’t sure if I was ready to let it go, although I’m not fully sure why (that’s what I need to focus on right now).

But that word — pattern — kept surfacing. This is where things got trippy and deep.

Pattern: the individual and comprehensive “person”
pattern(s): the habits that make up the individual parts of each “person”

I developed the ability to see people’s sacred geometry with inner vision a couple of years ago. This sacred geometry and colors are not necessarily related to the aura colors; it’s more of a soul blueprint.

She showed this to me again, allowing me to “look” at my family members, but instead of the usual 2D-type imagery and colors, everyone’s blueprints appeared kaleidoscopic, shifting, shimmering, moving, and alive.

We zoomed out further, and I saw my family, everyone really, as just a vibration, sound waves, moving around in the sea of infinite energy. Not even people, just sound waves, Patterns in the sea.

These Patterns are our energy fields, our behaviors, but they are not people; they’re just Patterns. Habits, really, although I like the word patterns better. A vibrational Pattern oscillating in patterns that are creating action and movement, which creates solid, physical matter.

I was shown that there is a natural, organic intelligence that creates the Pattern (much like the Fibonacci sequence), and that the “organizing principle” is the thing that so many people don’t ever question, don’t take time to contemplate, take for granted — our values. It is our values that organize the energy into the specific Pattern that is “us” at birth. And to heal your vibrational Pattern, you must understand what you value (something else that Ayahuasca taught me).

Our values and ideals are what make us completely unique. They are what the blueprint is formed upon, the canvas of the painting. But instead of a blank, standard canvas, each is built upon these unique principles, the unique set of values we hold.

We are both “not people” and completely unique and individual Patterns.

So if you don’t know what you value — those ideals you are willing to live and die for — then you don’t really know yourself at all.

The patterns that make up our Pattern can degrade, especially if we are focused on healing, and new patterns can emerge to make something new. This shifting kaleidoscope of infinite colors and shapes is always evolving, even if we cannot see it. But doing this intentionally while also surrendering to higher understanding (Source, if you will) is how we transform from discordant chaos to harmonized beauty.

But if we are just wave patterns in a sea of energy, the question that has bothered me for a couple of years now began to surface again: if we are just patterns, and patterns within Patterns, is there any meaning to it? to life?

So Kali showed me a beautiful tapestry. She pointed out the intricate patterns in it, then asked how I knew which patterns I liked. I told her I liked certain ones because they were beautiful.

She nodded sagely.

The patterns may not have a use, purpose, or meaning, but they are beautiful. And that is, for lack of a better way of putting it, the purpose.

So even though we are just vibrations moving through a vast sea of energy, not really people at all, not really individuals, the patterns that we express are beautiful, even if we don’t perceive the patterns at all and just see chaos.

Our Patterns interact with other “people” patterns, of course, and, where the ripples meet, they will be either coherent or discordant. This is why we resonate with some people and conflict with others.

The patterns within our Pattern are not always “ours.” I was shown that the Indigenous practice of praying for seven generations back and seven forward had immense wisdom because of the way these patterns are passed on through generational trauma.

And so the term “cycle breaker” was quite literal - seeing the pattern that has created suffering in the family and consciously and intentionally breaking the pattern. And the reason it’s so difficult is that it’s been the pattern for so long, so it’s solidified. It’s old, crusty, and degrading. That makes it brittle, though, and ripe for the Pattern who is willing to take on the task of breaking it.

Finally, toward the end of our conversation, Kali presented the idea of “the wave returning to the sea” from Eastern philosophy, and I could see how the individual movement of the Patterns dissolved back into the sea. The energy that was contracted to fuel the Pattern was released, spreading outward to fuel other Patterns and create new ones.

This last part was a bit overwhelming as the real understanding and wisdom finally hit, and I found myself crying from the grief and beauty of it — seeing all these Patterns washing away back into the Sea that created them.

I felt immense gratitude for having been visited by Kali herself. What a gift.

I hadn’t planned on writing this at all. It’s still very intimate, tender, and vulnerable. But I wanted to share what I’d learned, so I found myself writing it in a Note. It became too long, so here is the full post. I’m glad I did, though, because I needed to process everything I had experienced and seen. There is still a lot of healing and “reorganizing” of my patterns and Pattern to do, but I know that I am supported and loved as I do it. And you are too.

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When you reach a certain age, as a woman, you move into the Crone phase of life.

Maiden → Mother → (Matriarch) → Crone

While I’m not there yet (just beginning to move into the Matriarch stage), I often take time to consider Crone energy. I do think I embody a lot of Crone energy and closely associate it with the Owl Medicine I carry, as well as many of the goddesses I work with.

I find that there are different types of Crone energy:

• the wise woman or medicine woman, who is kindly and embodies unconditional love

• the witch in the dark forest, who dwells in solitude and practices magick

• and the hag, who has little patience for bullshit and will tell it like it is

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The Hag

The definition of hag is literally, “ugly old woman.” So why do I choose to use this term?

Because women who speak what they think and feel are often demonized by the patriarchy — called ugly (inside and/or out), dismissed, devalued, and often called a variety of other names.

But today we are going to celebrate the identity of the hag, of the woman who has seen too much shit, been through too much suffering, to ever mince words, to put up with derogation, and who values truth over niceties.

There is an air of absolute liberation around hag energy. In a way, to be considered “ugly,” you become free. You no longer struggle to meet the standards of creating or maintaining beauty. They no longer cover their faces with makeup and glamour, but rather embrace their faces exactly as they are.

It’s similar to when I shaved my head a few years ago. It was one of the most exhilarating and liberating experiences of my life. Everyone around me hated it; I received a lot of judgment, and it was shocking for the people I know, but I’d never felt freer.

Beauty standards of the patriarchy can go to hell!

The etymology of the word hag also indicates “a witch, especially one in the form of an old woman.” So there is an air of magick about her, too. In particular, I associate her with the grey witch — the witch who doesn’t see magick as black and white, but knows that healing and harming are two sides of the same coin, and acts accordingly.

The grey witch’s creed is, “You cannot heal if you cannot harm.”

Because of this, within magick, she has an attitude of “do what thou wilt.” She also keeps to herself, honoring the time-tested and true law of silence within witchcraft. There is liberation in silence, although we don’t often think of it that way.

But when you take “ugly old woman” and add magick, you suddenly have a force to be reckoned with. No wonder the patriarchy has spent so long demonizing and defaming this type of figure. Armed with a lifetime of experience, no more fucks to give (thanks, menopause), magick, and self-mastery honed over a lifetime, she is too powerful to allow to exist without casting her as a villain. She is a threat to the established systems.

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Lessons from the Hag

So what can we learn from this type of energy?

Even if we are younger or middle-aged, we can honor our life experience as the path we needed to get to where we are. Despite (because of) our trials and tribulations, we are stronger for it. And by the time we’re older, we’ll be all the more wizened.

There is power in speaking our truth, and there is power in silence. There may be, arguably, more power in silence. When we speak our plans, hopes, and dreams out loud, whether to ourselves or others, we put into motion tests from the universe. People around us may naysay us, discourage us. Our subconscious may start to sabotage us. In this way, “Don’t let your left hand know what your right hand is doing” (Matthew 6:3). Or, a more recent motto, don’t say it,

“Just Do It”

As we age, our bodies will change. We may not like the changes that occur, but with acceptance and self-love, we can embrace the changes that happen. A personal quote I tell myself each year as I get older and start to notice small things that initially annoy me: “Age is a privilege denied to many.” I’ve had so many possible ends to my life (addiction, suicidal ideation, abuse) that I am so grateful to be here, now, even in these difficult times. Spend some time thinking about this, and it may change your perspective on aging as well.

The best part, in my opinion, of the hag is that she has absolutely zero tolerance for bullshit. She doesn’t censor her words. She doesn’t beat around the bush. She’s tired of the world’s oppression, suppression, misogyny, and all the other injustices she’s seen over a long lifetime. She may perceive that she has little time left, so why cater to others who don’t care about her? Why waste time with small talk, people-pleasing, or pandering to people in power? She ain’t got time for that, nor the patience.

The hag is fully liberated, perhaps more so than other aspects of the Crone (if you wish to segment them out as I do).

This sums up the hag for me:

No more fucks to give.

And that’s the most beautiful thing I can imagine right now.

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In December, the Darkest month of the year, I have begun to turn inward for my yearly descent into the inner darkness, that transformational void where Nothingness and Infinite Potential meet.

In this dark inner space, I sit with Hel, a goddess who has been alongside me for over ten years. And I invite you to sit with her too; find out what powerful transformation she has in store for you over the next year, if you are open and willing.

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The Underworld

The Underworld is one of my favorite places to “go” to. It’s based upon the “pregnant void” — a place of uncreated yet unlimited potential. We create from here. We receive inspiration from here. Our muses dwell here.

You can meditate upon the Underworld or the Void for visualization and what many call manifestation (I prefer magick). Raising your energy as you connect to the Underworld and visualizing what you want to see in your life (non-specific goals work best) is a powerful way to transform your life. Just be careful what you wish for, as there are always tests and trials for what the Underworld can provide. (I.e., If you want peace, expect to overcome chaos; if you want joy, expect to heal depression, etc.)

It’s also the resting place of the dead, if you’d like to think of it that way. It’s also the shamanic cave in which we enter, die, and return to the world transformed, armed with new knowledge and wisdom. We are taught how to heal ourselves by guides — the “dark and scary” guides — that often require a mentor to begin working with them, unless you are a very brave soul or have an innate connection.

Here we find trickster spirits, demons, the spirits of the hungry dead that can cling to us if we aren’t careful, as well as a host of other potentially dangerous (and oft misunderstood) spirits.

The interesting thing to me, that I’ve not heard anyone else speak about, is the psychic aspect of the Underworld. It is a place that requires psychic ability to reach, and it catalyzes the psychic skills, turning the dial up way past ten. That could be seen as part of the shamanic cave, I suppose, but it’s an interesting experience.

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Deep Grief

I started attuning to Hel last month, the middle of November, and I went through a period of grief, grief I thought I had dealt with. If you don’t mind indulging me, I will share a little bit of the story of the person I lost.

I left my ex-husband 15 years ago this past August. We divorced; I was pregnant. He had served two terms in the Afghanistan/Iraq War, and the man who came back wasn’t the man I’d married. He had a drug problem and became abusive. When I got pregnant, I knew I couldn’t raise my son in a home like that, so I left. My son never got to meet his father because a few years later, he took his own life.

It felt like everyone thought that since we’d divorced, I would hate him or at least not care. But I felt like I lost the man I loved more than anything in the war. I didn’t have anyone I could talk to about it, so I turned to therapy and did six months of EMDR (a type of hypnosis therapy), which helped me deal with a lot of the grief.

Or so I thought.

November and attuning to Hel brought a lot of feelings back to the surface. The thought that the only man I’d ever had a relationship with was gone. I loved him so completely that I’ve never dated anyone else, and might not.

I even had a visit from him, which caused me to pull over in my car and cry for several minutes. It’s always the small things — a smell, a feeling of being wrapped in love, a song that comes on at just the right moment.

So when working with Hel, you might expect a return to grief as she does represent death. As the goddess of the dead, she may also bring about visits from those you have lost. While the pain may resurface, it’s also a gift to have a few moments with the love you have lost when someone transitions.

Fallow Season

The Underworld and the fallow season (which we usually call late autumn and winter) have a close connection. In winter, especially in climates that experience all four seasons, we spend much more time indoors, wrapped in cuddly blankets, sipping nice cups of tea or hot chocolate. We may sleep more.

All of this is good and natural. We are not meant to work all year like society expects us to. We need rest. But if you are reading this, you probably already know this. But can you truly honor that need for rest? The need to align with the seasons? If not, it may be time to consider how you can shift your life to align with the natural rhythms of the Earth.

I’m being hypocritical at the moment, of course, sitting here writing this (my work). But I spend the rest of my time doing the things I love — baking, especially (be on the lookout for the new section of my newsletter called "Healing at the Hearth"), as well as crocheting. I’m pretty much an old lady at this point!

But even if you can’t spend most of your time hibernating, carving out a few minutes in your day for hygge, for creature comforts, or even for exploring the psychic layers of the Underworld during this time of year can make all the difference.

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How many times have we heard, “fine,” or “okay,” and that’s the end of the interaction? It’s become a subconscious habit because we assume no one cares. And, for the most part, that is the case. It’s just “small talk” to break uncomfortable silence.

But when I ask, people can tell by the inflection in my voice, my gentle smile, and the eye contact that I want to know the truth. And they respond with genuine, and sometimes brutally honest, answers. Most people are not okay. In fact, I’d say that we, collectively, are in a crisis, and that’s without taking into consideration politics, the economy, and everything else creating this disaster we are living through.

We live in an age of willful ignorance. But what’s worse, we live in an age of willful apathy.

If my family had a motto, it would be, “don’t know, don’t care.” My parents are Baby Boomers and all my siblings are Gen-X. I’m the weird leftover child that was born into the “snowflake” generation, Millennial.

As if caring about people is wrong, stupid, or weak.

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The Disease of the Age

Apathy takes many forms. It’s even a diagnostic criterion for depression. That kind of apathy is soul-crushing. I’ve been there. Sometimes I start to slide back into that feeling and I have to give my system a shock to prevent a full-scale collapse. But that’s not the kind of apathy I’m referring to.

I’m talking about the kind of apathy when someone throws their garbage on the ground when there’s a trash can three feet away. And the kind that causes people to look away when someone is verbally abusing their spouse in public.

When one can’t be bothered to contribute to something greater than themselves, it’s a spiritual disease. This kind of apathy is the antithesis of empathy and is caused by and results in the decay of the soul.

Ignorance, again, takes a few forms. I’m not talking about true ignorance, when you just don’t know what you don’t know. This is the type of ignorance that refuses to be educated. The kind that defends their misogynistic views because “not all men.” And those who don’t worry that the boat is sinking because the water isn’t around their ankles yet.

And combined, these two create a perfect shit storm, which we are seeing reflected on the collective level with the absolute dumpster fire that is the United States.

So we all wander around, heads down, shuffling our feet, not paying attention to what really matters because we know if we look up, we will be confronted with the collective Shadow that is wreaking havoc on the world.

We keep abdicating responsibility because we know if we look directly at it, we will see what a horror show it is, and we fear we will get overwhelmed. But we are walking in circles, being led ‘round and ‘round by those who wish to keep us on the merry-go-round of economic slavery.

It’s not going to get better as long as we remain willfully ignorant, as long as we don’t care.

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The Shadow that is Apathy & Willful Ignorance

We walk around not caring because, in the end, we feel like no one cares about us, including us. We’ve been raised in a world devoid of love, light, and warmth. Even if you were raised in a loving home, at some point, you were eventually confronted by an indifferent society and world.

And so, to protect yourself, you shut yourself off from caring, loving, and connecting. We expect not to be cared for, so we’ve stopped putting ourselves out there to care.

And this goes all the way up the food chain. In fact, I’d wager it’s probably worse at the top, seeing as it’s run by psychopaths and sociopaths. But it’s not experienced the same way by them as it is by us, the deeply empathic but wounded people.

Healing apathy starts with taking a long, hard look at how you view your self-worth. Your self-worth is inherent and nothing you can (or not) do, say, identify with, or earn could ever affect it. Your self-worth is gold, it just happens to be covered up by the muck of the world.

Let that sink in. You cannot earn your worth; it is always there. You cannot lose your worth; you have worth just because you exist.

That goes against everything the world has told us.

The (R)Evolution

I’m not asking you to take the weight of the world on your shoulders. That would be impossible. I’m just saying, take time to care. Examine the defense mechanisms you’ve built up to protect yourself from the hurt others not caring for you has caused.

The (r)evolution is in every moment, the infinite present.

• Choosing kind words over anger.

• Picking up litter when you see it on the ground.

• Letting someone into traffic.

• Giving someone a genuine compliment to raise their spirits.

• Searching for your unconscious biases and blind spots.

• Learning more about other cultures, disabilities, mental health struggles, and marginalized communities.

• Speaking gently and kindly.

These acts, in this insane world, are radical.

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Dangerous Thoughts

First, let me say that thoughts themselves are not dangerous. They are more like clouds on a passing sky. Some are more like storm clouds, dense, dark, and heavy. Others are just wisps, floating in and out with a quiet gentleness.

And thoughts, of course, are not the danger in and of themselves. The danger lies in our tendency to identify with them, with all of them, claiming them as our own, as truth, as our identity. We cannot separate ourselves from the thoughts that bang around in our heads, despite the fact that thoughts appear to us. In other words, if thoughts are talking, who is listening?

This is what Ramana Maharshi taught: the Self that is aware of the thoughts is the True Self, rather than the thoughts being the Self.

While I don’t think that teaching is the completion of Self-realization, as he did, it is certainly an important — vital even — stepping stone on the path.

However, I think thoughts can become even more dangerous than that due to the quality and origin of the thoughts we have.

The Source of Thoughts

When we consider thoughts as a whole, we can see that most are largely negative. People are walking around in a state of perpetual self-abuse that, if we were to speak these things out loud, the world would find shocking. I’m sure that many therapists would agree, as they tend to deal largely with the negative beliefs we have about ourselves as a whole. I’ve experienced my own shock the past five years as I’ve worked with people, and with my own self-examination over the past ten years.

A large part of the negative self-view we have is, of course, solidified in early childhood when we internalize the rhetoric from parents, schools, and other societal scripts. These thoughts, spoken like our own voices in our head, are the core of some of the most detrimental self-talk we have.

However, this is only the most well-known, and usually one of the only culprits we discuss.

Let’s consider something like intrusive thoughts, which are actually the most harmful types of thoughts. They are born of two types of phenomena.

All around us in the unseen realms are all types of beings — beneficial, disincarnate humans, and malicious beings. With intrusive thoughts, negative entities and attachments can whisper in our ear (so to speak), and those whispers come in the form of thoughts.

Some of the most damaging thoughts are intrusive thoughts and can range from making us believe that we are inferior (and therefore manifest inferiority), to paranoia, to the extreme cases of causing us to harm ourselves or others. This is the goal of anything demonic — they cannot harm us directly, but they can control our minds and then, eventually, control our bodies in order to wreak the havoc they wish to have happen.

However, there is one more type of thought that we often mistake for our own inner voice, and these aren’t necessarily negative, but they can be incredibly influential. I call it psychic smog.

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The more people you live around, such as in cities, the more chance you have to get caught up in a collective psychic smog. Thinking is the focus of energy, and when those thoughts converge, they can create an egregore (collective thoughtform) that can be incredibly influential to the unaware. (As a side note, this is why forests and nature are so peaceful.)

I have a really interesting story about this, if you’d like to see it in action.

I don’t smoke cannabis. It makes me anxious and very ungrounded (I struggle with being grounded anyway), so I just don’t partake. But a few years ago, I suddenly jumped up with the thought that I wanted to go buy some weed. I was dressed, out the door, and had pulled my car out of the driveway before I remembered myself enough to say, “Wait, I don’t even like weed!” I went back inside and wondered what on Earth had happened. Still pondering it, I pulled up Facebook and started scrolling idly.

And there it was: Missouri, which had legalized recreational cannabis the previous year, was finally open for business for anyone over the age of 21 to buy recreational weed that day.

I’d gotten caught up in the psychic smog of, “yay, weed is legal for everyone, let’s go buy some!”

Thoughts are not evil, but when they operate unconsciously, in the Shadow, they can be incredibly influential and detrimental.

The Still, Small Voice of the Body

When we begin to place more awareness on the quality and source of our thoughts, we can find some really beneficial things.

For one, we may find that we have the gift of clairvoyance (which can manifest as either an external hearing or internal hearing), learn to communicate with our guides, spirits (if we are also mediums), and even become aware of negative entities in order to deal with them effectively.

We can cultivate our relationship with our Higher Self by giving it voice through our thoughts, allowing it to guide, support, and influence how we live, communicate, and grow. I usually refer to this as “positive self-talk,” but it’s essentially allowing the Higher Self to communicate with the lower self.

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When we start up the rhetoric of self-abuse internalized in childhood, the Higher Self comes in to gently reparent us. When intrusive thoughts arise, the Higher Self comes in to break up the energy and remind us that what was said was a lie.

But one of the most important voices is the voice of the body, which has its own intelligence, intuition, instinct, and wisdom. And if you’re like me, you’ve either rejected that voice your whole life through judging your body (largely because of the societal script of “too fat” or other body-shaming rhetoric) or because of the brainwashing that happens when society doesn’t want us connected to our intuition.

Reconnecting to this voice has been extremely difficult for me because, as I said before, I tend to be a very ungrounded person anyway (head in the clouds), but as I’ve worked more and more on embodiment, that voice has gotten stronger.

My Body Told Me Before the Tests

At the beginning of September, I was going through a lot of physical fatigue, lethargy, and general malaise. As hard as I tried (which was very hard), I’d still end up sleeping 12 hours each night and taking a nap during the day. I chalked it up to seasonal changes and personal energy cycles, but I stayed curious and open as well.

And that’s when I started to hear the quiet voice inside that sounded so exhausted and ill, “I need to go on a vegetarian diet. No more meat.”

I’m not a huge fan of most meat — I haven’t really eaten pork since my Mugwort dieta in which pork made me physically ill just to smell (that’s an entirely different story and a fascinating one), but I do love beef. And since I have an issue metabolizing protein, I have to maintain a pretty high-protein diet, so this message seemed strange to me.

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Still, somewhat surprisingly, I listened. I cut out meat and felt my energy start to return. I went without meat for about six weeks and felt significantly better.

And then I caved in and had a bowl of chili.

I got violently ill — stomach cramps, nausea, flushed. Something was definitely not right. So I spoke to my parents, both of whom have worked in the medical field for most of their lives.

And I learned that there is a tick-borne disease called Alpha-Gal that causes allergic reactions to the proteins in red meat for a somewhat ambiguous period, typically lasting up to two years. (The information that Alpha-Gal is a post-Lyme disease is incorrect. It’s actually a separate disease caused by an entirely different tick.)

So I returned to my meatless diet, slowly adding chicken and fish (they are not included in the allergy) without issue. Occasionally, I’d fall ill again when a product or recipe contained some form of hidden red meat or a red meat-based ingredient. But overall, feeling better.

All of this before even talking to my doctor and getting tested.

The body’s intelligence is incredible if we listen.

The Solution Isn’t Ignoring Thoughts

So all of this is a roundabout way of saying that we can’t disregard thoughts completely, at least in my opinion. Rather, we need to discern the voices speaking the thoughts and listen to the ones from beneficial and benevolent sources.

So many enlightenment paths teach us that thoughts are illusions and that we should just ignore them, but, to me, this is a form of repression. Thoughts are part of our structure — it’s a feature, not a bug, although there are bugs in the system.

Don’t toss the baby out with the bathwater. Examine your thoughts with curiosity and discern which are beneficial, which are noise, and which are malicious. This is the path to clarity.

P.S. If you found this helpful and interesting, you will love the Sisters in Shadow community, where we discuss all things related to the Dark Goddess and Shadow Priestess, including healing and embodiment. Join for free or upgrade for deeper and more embodied work.

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The issue I found is that while she was in Shadow, she would come out through me when I felt unsafe. She is my protector, and because she was so powerful, she could do a lot of damage that I didn’t want. So awareness of her and awareness of when I feel unsafe (usually emotionally or energetically) has been a real uphill journey.

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Tiger’s Connection to Fire

We all have the four elements within us, married by and through Spirit, the fifth element. Tiger is my Fire. In my Tropical (ego) natal chart, I have a preponderance of Fire energy. I was also born in the year of the Tiger in Chinese Astrology. (She’s everywhere!) This has been part of my evolution — learning to handle, use, and master Fire without burning everything down.

Tiger is, if you’re familiar, corresponded with Fire in many, if not all, witchcraft and esoteric systems. Tiger is also closely connected to Kali as the Durga (referred to from here on out as just “the Durga”), the demon-huntress, awakened to battle the demons that all the gods could not kill. A fierce protector with the intent to cause harm or kill.

I didn’t know this back then, though. I just knew there was an immense power I was unable to embody.

Tiger Medicine

Tiger Medicine is learning to harness and use your power in ways that benefit yourself and others, rather than letting that energy run amok and destroy things, rather than keeping yourself small by people-pleasing, freezing, fawning, or running away.

She’s about boundaries and acting swiftly and decisively when those boundaries are violated. It’s self-protection, but also about protecting those who can’t fight battles for themselves.

She is closely tied to Artemis in my mind, although this isn’t an “official” correspondence. Artemis was the protector of the innocent — women and children. And when I hear or feel those cries of pain, oppression, and suffering, my heart awakens, and I feel that call for justice and the need to act in a protective way. This is also how the Durga acts, too. When injustice or persecution happens, this energy comes out within me.

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The Divine Protectress

When I think about what’s happening in the United States right now, the oppression and persecution of minorities and marginalized groups, energy flows from my chest, the heart center where Tiger resides, and I feel a rush of energy to my whole body, as if I am preparing for a literal, physical fight. The call for justice rings through my soul, and sometimes the power of it terrifies me.

Tiger has been one of the greatest ways I’ve worked to reclaim my power, even if it’s ongoing. I had such a bug in my mind that power is evil that I avoided it for so long. But this power, Tiger’s power, is about sovereignty. Tigers live alone with no cares of the world except to protect their young, when they have them, hunt, and lounge in the sunlight as all cats do.

Tiger has taught me boundaries in this way — living how I want, even when the people around me have such strange expectations, think I’m failing at life, or need to do more, more, more. I used to acquiesce to this, but I no longer worry about it. I spend my days as I wish, although I probably do need more sunlight (haha).

When I journey to the Otherworlds, Tiger is always by my side, ready to protect me when I need it. She has staved off attacks, attachments, and other negative entities with a ferocity that is incomprehensible at times.

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Integration Ritual

I wish I could say that Tiger has been fully integrated, but she hasn’t yet. I call Owl my totem — she and I are the same, at least in this world. Tiger patiently waits for me to reclaim the power that I know she is, that I know is mine.

This coming Full Moon, I am planning on doing a ritual to honor both Fire and Tiger to embody more of that power and sovereignty. You’ll find it below, complete with invokation, ingredients, and method.

(I fell in love with William Blake’s The Tyger at a very young age, so I’m including it in the ritual. It’s a beautiful reminder, to me, that God/Source/The Universe created not just the lamb, but the tiger too. One is not better than the other, and they balance the cosmos.)

Defining Portals

What I’m referring to with the term “portal” is nuanced, so it’s best we define what I’m talking about first.

A portal is an opening through which space and, often, time are either bent or broken. It’s essentially a wormhole or a black hole (one being the back side of the other, like a coin).

For instance, a portal can be a point at which two distant points in space are connected. This allows for a sort of teleportation, although it’s generally not as obvious as physical teleportation.

Sometimes portals can allow for what we call time travel as well as space travel, moving backward or forward in time as well as space. (It’s also possible to travel through time without moving in space, but unless you’re intentionally doing this, it’s more rare.)

While I’m talking about time and space travel, realize that it’s not a physical experience. It’s most often done through the mind and/or soul.

That being said, non-physical beings can use any of these portals that are usually wide open and completely unprotected.

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Physical Portals

Physical portals, or portals with physical elements to them, include any kind of technology: TVs, phones, computers. Anything with a screen.

These are portals because we are using them with our minds to “take us somewhere else.” For TV, this means we go to real or fantasy places, timelines, times, and interact with thoughtforms (ie. non-physical beings). For phones, we connect to people we can’t see, even if we know they are physical somewhere else — crossing space. And, of course, anything that connects to the internet can be all of those things combined, plus more.

The pervasiveness of these devices is what is concerning. We carry portals in our pockets, we put them in our bedrooms when we sleep (arguably the most dangerous place to have them), we give them to our children, and we use them when we work.

They are everywhere, and they are largely unprotected. Or, rather, we are unprotected from them.

(We’ll go into recommendations for protecting ourselves down below.)

Other physical portals include mirrors, and these are everywhere as well. Often, we use them just for decoration, a savvy way of making small rooms look larger, and fill our bedrooms and bathrooms with them.

Mirrors have been seen as spiritual portals since their inception. Many spiritually aware and psychically sensitive families and people will cover their mirrors if someone passes away in a home because it can cause the spirit to get confused and not move on. But mirrors can also be portals for any non-physical being if not protected and used appropriately.

The black scrying mirror has been used for centuries as a portal into the spiritual and liminal realms. What’s really interesting, though, is… what does your TV look like when it’s turned off? What about your phone? Your computer screen?

They are black mirrors.

Not evil, of course, but they need to be treated with respect for what they are, now that you know.

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Non-Physical (Energetic) Portals

In addition to these physical portals, we also have portals that are not visible to the human eye (unless you are especially clairvoyant).

The most common one is the one above your bed, where you sleep.

When we dream, we create a portal in which our minds slip away into other realms (I would argue that some, if not most, are actually astral projection ). We literally rip open the fabric of space and time while we sleep in order to dream or journey elsewhere.

And, we know through our energetic practices, that the more energy that is given to a thing/place/idea/etc, the stronger it becomes. So if you dream a lot, you have an incredibly well-powered portal right where you sleep!

Because of this, it’s not recommended to sleep with a TV, phone screen, or open computer near your bed, and mirrors should be covered. At the very least, you should protect your dream portal with a small altar or sachet of herbs and crystals (see below).

The same can be said for where you meditate, if you meditate in the same spot or area each time. Maybe it’s your favorite comfy chair, maybe it’s a spot on the floor — wherever it is, it likely has a strong portal. (The only exception to this is if you focus on staying in your body, in the present moment, during your meditation.)

That being said, these portals don’t need to be closed. Awareness is key, though. If you start having a lot of nightmares, poor meditation/journeying experiences, or something of the like, you may wish to use some sage or palo santo to cleanse the areas around your bed (especially under your bed where stagnant energy can cause issues), your pillow, or your meditation area.

Other places where these portals can be created unconsciously are:

• where you play video games, watch TV and movies, or use the internet frequently

• anywhere you do any kind of drugs or sit with plant medicine

• where you store your plant medicines (they are portals themselves)

• where you practice mediumship or psychic skills

There is also the possibility that portals have been opened in your home without your permission by non-physical beings. There is usually an element of consent for this, but it’s usually some kind of workaround (ie. “well, they haven’t specifically protected their home against our visiting”) or manipulation (ie. trickster energies that come in when we try to connect to a guide, etc).

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Closing Portals

Any of these portals can and should be closed. This requires energetic sensitivity, so if you aren’t able to do this on your own and you’re finding that your home doesn’t feel like a sanctuary or that you may have entity interference, contact a local shaman, witch, or energy healer for help. Alternatively, you can easily get attuned to Reiki I and, with a little practice, you will quickly learn how to feel the energy.

Portals feel like an invisible force field, like ripples in water but in the air. (Well, in the energy, but you get what I’m saying.) Some will be portals coming in, and others will be portals going out.

The portals above your bed, meditation space, and electronics should be portals going out. This feels like a very subtle drawing in of your hand when you reach out to touch it. These portals turn clockwise. The faster and stronger the pull, the more energy has gone into them.

Portals in which you may have beings or entities coming into your home will be turning counterclockwise and will feel like the energy is bulging out slightly, or pushing your hand away. I recommend closing these portals unless you can divine that the portal is being used by your guide(s) and your guide(s) only.

The worst thing that can happen by closing these is that you need to recreate them if they are, in fact, yours or your guides’.

To close a portal, you will want to find it, sense it with your hands, and then get a sense of which direction you feel it spiraling in. Then you will envision it as a psi ball, collapsing it while adding energy going in the opposite direction until it is dissipated.

Other Ways to Stay Safe

Cleansing the space with sage, palo santo, or, if you suspect entity interference, rosemary (the exorcism herb) will help immensely, even if you don’t close the portals.

For electronic screens and mirrors, you may wish to create a sigil to draw on them lightly with holy water, an herb-infused oil, or draw on paper and tape it to the screen/mirror. For screens you cannot do this with, you can keep a protective stone like black tourmaline, smoky quartz, or obsidian between you and the screen. This is especially helpful if you make a lot of audio or video calls — incredibly helpful for those who are empaths as well as therapists, coaches, and spiritual guides.

For dream portals, creating a small altar or a sachet to put under your pillow (or even under your bed) can be incredibly helpful. I have a small altar on my bedside table that consists of Mugwort, Rosemary, an Amethyst, and a small Astrophylite tower.

Mugwort is especially helpful for sachets because she is not only incredible at helping you dream, remember your dreams, and have deeper, more meaningful dreams, but she is a powerful protector of the dream and liminal spaces.

Astrophylite was an amazing new-to-me stone I discovered a couple of years ago and it is a powerful protector of astral travelers and the astral space.

Any black or dark stone is generally considered protective: black tourmaline, obsidian, smoky quartz, onyx.

Herbs that are often used in sleep and dream sachets: lavender, mugwort, passionflower, rose.

Looking for, cleansing, and closing portals should be part of your home cleansing practice. It’s not unlike doing your personal spiritual hygiene, it’s just hygiene for your environment. Your home should feel like a sanctuary, protected and without energy leaks.

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The witch wound affects us all. It is a scar on the collective soul of women, no matter our past lives, for several reasons. We’ll dig into that and then discuss ways we can begin to do the work in healing the damage done to our souls.

The Witch Wound

Many women did practice witchcraft in past lives, especially if we broaden our definition of witchcraft to those who were actually persecuted.

We know that the claimed aim of the Church was to destroy all who were, supposedly, worshipping “The Devil,” “Satan,” or “Lucifer.” However, they hunted down:

• herbalists and naturopaths

• midwives

• shamans and spiritual healers

• women who had property or money not controlled by men

• women who rejected the traditional life of wifehood and motherhood

• the mentally ill and cognitively impaired

• gay, lesbian, non-binary, and transgender persons

• women who claimed to have a personal relationship with God

• wisdom keepers and spiritual leaders

That definition broadens the scope of who carries the witch wound, and, honestly, it probably encompasses all women (plus others who were in marginalized groups).

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All Women

The witch wound, then, can be said to include all women who suffered at the hands of the patriarchy, which was all women.

But you didn’t have to be burned at the stake to suffer under the patriarchy. Women who conformed to the norms of the time were disconnected from their natural selves simply because they conformed. This doesn’t even include women who suffered cruelties from their husbands, parents, and society as a whole.

Even if she did conform, largely, to societal standards under the patriarchy, she still wasn’t safe. Any woman who dared to be great was persecuted and likely executed.

One example of this was Joan of Arc. She had a personal relationship with God and dared to be great (following her intuition), leading France to victory against the British. Because of this, she was called a witch and burned at the stake, despite being part of the same religion as those who burned her. (The Daemon by Anthony Peake has a great exploration of Joan of Arc and what happened to her, if you’d like to learn more.)

All Non-Christians

When I was exploring my own shamanic path, I encountered significant resistance and gatekeeping regarding lineages and the requirement to be of a certain race in order to practice. It was rather sad (and somewhat annoying) that, because I am Western and Northern European, I can’t practice or learn from anyone else. It’s frustrating because the shamanic traditions, those lineages and all their wisdom, have been largely lost.

One small group did survive — The Sámi peoples, the reindeer herders in Scandinavia — but barely, and they continue the struggle with keeping their lands today as commercialization spreads to northern Scandinavia.

They recount tales of how you couldn’t own a drum, and if you were found to have one, you were executed. The drum, of course, is an essential tool for shamanism.

Colonizing wasn’t limited to the Americas. People don’t understand, or at least don’t talk about, the fact that colonizing wasn’t just about being white, but being specifically White Anglo-Saxon Protestant (WASP) men. And the first place to be colonized by that group (and Catholicism) was Europe. And, if you know about the sinister agenda of beginning the Catholic and Christian churches, then you know that it was primarily a way to control the masses, essentially the poor.

(Please note that by discussing colonization in this way, I am not attempting to diminish the suffering of the Indigenous and People of Color, for they surely suffered much more than any other group.)

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All Wisdom Keepers

And so, if you weren’t a WASP male or didn’t acquiesce to them as a woman (internalizing the misogyny), you were, essentially, a victim of persecution, even if you were not executed.

But certain roles were targeted because, by nature, they did not conform to and could not be integrated into Christianity and Catholicism. All wisdom keepers, including midwives and herbalists, were targeted. I read a theory once that this was the case, less because of religious differences, but because of the interest of men and the rise of alchemical sciences, primarily chemistry, as well as medicine (ie. pharmacology). In other words, men desired dominance and control in these areas and therefore colonized them.

Ancestry

Even if you conformed in every past life, it is more than likely that you have ancestors who did not, as it is in all of our ancestry. In the ages past, shamanism, herbalism, and midwifery were at the core of all society, so there is almost no way to throw a stone and not hit an ancestor that wasn’t affected by the colonization of Christianity, Catholicism, and the patriarchy.

And, if you’re white (I hate that word because it is completely devoid of culture), you were among the first people to be colonized, dominated, and controlled. The lack of education we receive in this regard is a key clue to how thorough they were.

The wound is passed through the generations until the cycle breaker arises. And, if you are reading this, that very well may be you. We are at a time in which women have, at the very least, the ability to free their minds and spirits, the first generation of women who have access to the tools and assistance needed in order to heal this wound.

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Healing the Witch Wound

The witch wound is probably one of the most difficult wounds to heal because much of the persecution is still happening (the patriarchy still rules, for now), because it is one of the largest, most collective wounds, and because of the depth of fear, pain, and disempowerment it caused.

But that doesn’t mean we can’t begin to heal and integrate the healing. In fact, it’s more essential to do so now than ever.

We are at a crossroads (Hail Hekate!) in which we are, collectively, seeing the horrors of the ruling class, but also have access to, more than ever, knowledge and healers.

Due to the rise of the internet, we can have discussions like these and educate ourselves on real history rather than the stories we were spoon-fed by the “winners” (ie. “History is written by the winners”).

Not only that, but international travel and the internet also allow access to healing — ayahuasca ceremonies in Peru (or elsewhere), video and voice calls with healers from different parts of the world, and more people sharing what they intuitively know or have learned.

Plus, we have had generations of teachings about healing and integration, like Carl Jung, plus access to other traditions, such as Zen, Buddhism, and Taoism.

The holistic approach provides for the most comprehensive healing and expansion.

This is what I recommend for healing the witch wound (and, really, everything):

1. Presence. Practicing it when you are not triggered is key. You wouldn’t use emergency medical equipment without practicing with it first; don’t expect to be able to do the same with tools of consciousness.

2. Acceptance. Work on radically accepting every moment as you sit in presence with it. Escapism and avoidance only prolong the suffering.

3. Responsibility. Take responsibility for what you can and let go of the rest. This primarily comes down to responsibility for how you respond (response-ability), but not for the words or actions of another. Change what you can and leave the rest.

4. Healing. Feel the emotions that come up. Your rage and grief are sacred and have immense value. Let the fire of transmutation burn through you in order to make change, and offer your tears of grief back to the Earth to nourish new life. Find energy, past-life, and shamanic healers to heal — that part is really essential.

5. Integration. Embody your new truth. Don’t let the patriarchy suppress you anymore. Take a hard look at the men in your life and ask yourself if they truly support you in your fullness or want to keep you small. Make adjustments as necessary.

You Are Not Alone

This is obviously a really huge discussion because it has affected so much of the collective, but that means you are not alone. There are so many women and other people healing the wounds caused by the rise of the Christian and Catholic churches as part of the patriarchal machine.

Find groups that support you or a community to help you heal. This may be an organized community, but it’s more than likely just a group of people who become your friends as you work through this wound.

Reach out through DMs if you need someone to talk to.

Hel was the first deity I ever dedicated myself to, over ten years ago, and it has been such a lovely relationship to develop. She does not sugarcoat her messages, and sometimes her bluntness can strike fear into the heart, like a shard of ice. Keep an open mind if you would like to receive her wisdom.

The metaphor she is using, based on what she showed me, is that of an MMORPG (massively multiplayer online role-playing game). It’s an open world, everyone is doing different quests, and we are all here by choice, even if we have forgotten why we first came here.

The game has been so challenging, fun, and immersive that we've become completely engrossed in it. But remember that you can change anything you want at any time — try a different quest, a different storyline, a different character (personality). The possibilities are more limitless here than in any actual video game we have.

A channeled message from Hel (Hela).

Fire and ice. The reconciliation of the paradox. Of duality.

You are matter and spirit; neither one can exist without the other. The material world manifested itself because Spirit manifested itself. Life may be harsh and cruel at times, but there is beauty in the pain if one has eyes to see.

The trials and tribulations are by design to strengthen your Spirit, to remember what you have forgotten since first incarnating here, because you wanted to be part of this dreaming.

Yes, you did. I know many of you have resistance to that idea, but you came for a reason. Maybe it was just for the experience. Maybe you came because someone you love got stuck here, in the forgetting, and you wanted to help them remember.

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Maybe you wanted to play the game, despite the level 9 difficulty (yes, there are harder games). Because you knew you could, even though it is challenging. The fun is in the challenge, and the time limitation (one lifetime) makes it more challenging.

Don’t forget that in death, you remember all. The game, the dream, the joy, love, and peace of Spirit. The eternal. The game and the dream are so insignificant compared to that; the time that passes incarnated is but a fleeting memory compared to eternity.

Nothing is ever harmed, you are always safe, even when you feel unsafe. Keep testing yourself, for that is what you are doing. No one else is doing this to you. Pass the tests and move on to the next level.

There are boss challenges in the form of egregores. You will need teams for those. Don’t try to take them on alone. But in the end, it is just a game. You can die hundreds of times trying to defeat one boss, then reincarnate to try again.

I repeat, again, you are safe. Your Spirit cannot be harmed, not truly, for the only real is the Spirit, and the body and mind are but tools for you to use during the game. They perish, but the Spirit does not.

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Death and Rebirth

I love this deck because the author has decided, no, it’s never just Death, we’re going to add that little reminder that Death is always linked to Rebirth. It makes it a little less scary for those who are unfamiliar with Tarot and works as a gentle reminder for the rest of us.

We start in Sagittarius. Adventure, exploration, Chiron, the Wounded Healer. As we heal within, we heal without, and this card is directed outward, into the world. This indicates both that it’s time to refocus outward and work on our outer lives as well as to let die what’s in our lives that we are ready to move on from. It’s also deep Autumn, so we are moving away from exploring the outer world and into inner exploration, as is indicated by Scorpio.

Mercury enters Scorpio on the 19th, still in retrograde. We move away from the outer and back into the inner world. Scorpio itself is deeply entangled with the theme of Death, as well as sexuality, taboos, and all the other lovely, dark themes that the Shadow Priestess works so well with. But it also represents all those repressed emotions and energies that we don’t like to feel or deal with — all of our deep internal struggles, which are demonstrated by our second card, The Devil.

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The Devil

We must be careful as we delve deep into the Scorpio energies with Mercury in retrograde, as we can turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms. Before the 19th arrives, be sure to set intentions to deal with the deep dark safely and without turning to things like addictions, escapism, or triggering defense mechanisms, as well as reminding ourselves not to take on too much. With Mercury, it’s easy to get stuck in a mental loop, especially if we get triggered. Remember the first card, Death and Rebirth, and to let go of clinging to things when we start to feel overwhelmed or before we feel the need to start coping in unhealthy ways.

Death and Rebirth is the process and The Devil is the test.

And what rises is beautiful.

The Queen of Wands

The Queen of Wands has been a favorite card of mine recently, and she’s been stalking me through my readings, so this one is particularly resonant with me. She indicates to me that once we pass the test of The Devil, we get rebirthed into a greater and more expansive creative joy. This is particularly resonant for women, collectively, as more and more women step into their power, refuse the patriarchy, stop harming themselves in roles and expectations that exhaust or demean them, and stand up for who they are beyond the roles. They step into their power without shame and with intense joy, supported by the Universe.

This is deeply supported by Venus in Scorpio. While some see only the connection to sexuality, Venus has transformed into Persephone, going deep into the Underworld to rule the Dead. She has shifted into the psychopomp, dealing with ghosts (literally and figuratively) until she once again ascends as the Goddess of Spring, the Queen of Wands, taking great joy in her creative passions.

Guard yourself against the strange machinations of defense of the Mind until the end of the month, allow yourself to process and let go of beliefs that no longer serve you, and you will rise to new and greater heights of creativity and joy.

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There is a gap, even when these trainings do cover Shadow Work within their own framework. Even when they cover things like grief or anger.

I’ve always been more Darkness than Light, and for most of my life I’ve dwelt within, struggling with my own despair, preferring to keep it out of sight for fear of upsetting people. But as I’ve worked through that despair, I’ve found that the cause for it was the hiding away of it. I’ve found that the Darkness within shines just as brightly as the Light shines in others.

To be clear, when I reference Darkness, I’m not talking about evil, what’s often referred to as “The Left Hand Path,” or anything else with negative connotations. I’m referring to my ability to see others’ Shadows, the truth I’ve found in my own immensely potent claircognizance, the full integration of grief, despair, and anger, as well as the powerful guides and friends I’ve found in the Dark Goddesses and other spirits.

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The Shadow Priestess

Not everyone is meant to work within the Light. As I mentioned in another post, Owl Medicine: Seeing Through Shadows, there are those whose gifts are more aligned with Shadow and seeing through Shadow. Unfortunately, because seeing through Shadows is pretty much a bullshit radar, this can be off-putting for people who are not ready for healing and integration.

Other aspects of Shadow Priestess include psychopomp and spirit work, death doula work, dream work, assisting with healing and integration of the Shadow for those who are open to it, demonology and exorcism, and the restoration of karmic balance. That’s not an exhaustive list, but, from what’s been coming to me, these are the biggest aspects currently.

But what really sets the Shadow Priestess apart is the spirits she chooses to work with.

The Dark Goddesses

While not yet the complete picture, these are the goddesses and spirits who have come forward to support me, personally, and to offer assistance in creating the Shadow Priestess Initiation.

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Sacred Rage

Sekhmet was an Egyptian goddess with a similar story to Kali, as the Durga, She was awoken to destroy those who were attempting to overthrow Ra. Her rage continued until the gods were forced to dye beer red. Mistaking it for blood, she drank until she fell asleep again.

In a similar story, Kali, as the Durga, was summoned to destroy demons that were overruning the world. One demon in particular was so powerful that all the gods combined could not defeat him. Her rage destroyed the demon and continued until Shiva, her husband, threw himself at her feet. She woke from her rampage at the sight of him.

The Sacred Rage of these goddesses can be seen in other stories.

Medusa, a virgin priestess of Athena, was violated in one of Athena’s temples. To protect her, as well as allow her vengeance, Athena transformed her into a Gorgon who could turn men into stone. However, even after death, she remains a powerful ally to call upon for karmic reckoning.

As I have connected more to Artemis’s spirit, I’ve found a fierce ally that resonates deeply with Sacred Rage. Artemis has been depicted as a kind-natured goddess of the hunt for ages, but she is also the protector of the innocent, of children and young women. When lines are crossed, her rage can be felt until balance is restored.

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Psychopomp & Death Doula

The most popular goddess dealing with death is Persephone. Many know her story, and she is the one who comes up the most when I talk to women about this type of work. There is such beauty in her story, particularly in what I feel is the true version of the myth.

The popularized version of the story is that she was kidnapped by Hades and taken to the Underworld to be held hostage for half of the year. This feels like the version of the story that’s told by people who fear darkness, shadow, and death. The version that rings true for me is that she did, in fact, fall in love with Hades and chose to go to the Underworld for half the year in order to be with him. This is what gives us our seasons, the deep rest we need during winter, as well as the compassion we should approach and view death with, as it demonstrates that we eventually return to life.

Similarly, the Norse goddess of the Dead is Hel (often called Hela), is the ruler of Helheim, where we get the word “hell” from. Portrayed as half maiden and half skeleton, she demonstrates the dual aspect of life and death as Persephone does. Helheim was the home for those who did not die in battle — the sick, children, women, and those who died from old age. Unlike the Christian hell, where people are tortured for eternity, Helheim was seen as a resting place, and Hel, not a goddess of death, was a steward of the dead. She kept them, served them, and cared for them.

While Hekate is not often connected with death or the dead, she was a ruler of the Underworld, and works extensively with those who are gifted mediums and who do the important, but largely lost, art of psychopomping. Due to her connection to dream work and deep trance work (which, for me, personally, is required in order to do psychopomp work), she is an amazing goddess to work with in this regard. She is also a fierce protector of the liminal spaces such as these.

Closely connected to Hekate, for me, is the plant spirit of Mugwort. Mugwort is also a powerful ally for dream work, psychopomping, and deep trance work. She has a very “crone witch in the dark forest” vibe, and is powerfully transformative for those types of work, as well as healing the witch wound — the soul injury many women carry from past-life persecution during the witch trials. She can help restore women’s power from this soul loss and teach us a great many things about these lost arts.

Another powerful plant ally in this regard, sometimes called the “vine of the dead,” is Ayahuasca. While not for everyone, anyone who is called to her can expect powerful healing around many of the darker aspects of life, death, and reality. She can reconnect us to our spirit, help us remember our gifts, and transmute the trauma we have experienced in this life and past ones.

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Sacred Grief

While I don’t necessarily consider the plant spirit Rose to be a Dark aspect, she is a powerful ally to those who need to feel and purge their Sacred Grief, especially in relation to that which a woman experiences. She is incredible at healing sexual and womb trauma, helping us purge our grief of lost loved ones, and even reconnecting us to them.

Connected to Rose is Mary Magdalene, who is also wonderful at healing grief. She is connected to the Wailing Women; she was one who lamented the crucifixion of Jesus. The Wailing Women, however, are more ancient than her, going back for generations. They would gather at the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to cry for justice and remember those who had suffered cruelty, especially women and children. (In this way, we can see similarities to Artemis.) The Wailing Women were said to pass on the names of those who had suffered cruelty for generations until justice was served and balance had been restored.

There are so many more aspects of the Dark Goddess that I have not mentioned, and the Path of the Shadow Priestess works with and integrates them all. The Initiation is built to be the traditional year-and-a-day process and includes practices, attunements, and explorations of each.

This Path is not for the faint of heart, but it is a calling in the soul. You know that you are marked because your whole life you’ll have felt misunderstood, set aside from the rest, be drawn to the darker aspects of life and reality, and maybe even confused by what you know or how you know it.

Many go through phases, are drawn to certain teachings, or have even gone through stark experiences that lay bare aspects of reality that many do not even acknowledge to be real, such as being targeted by demonic forces. Many of us have gifts that have long been forgotten, such as being natural psychopomps, and are therefore more aware of the spirit world around us. Many are natural healers, but when we try to help, we are attacked by others’ Shadows, projected upon until we back off or give up. Many of us carry a deep interest in and knowledge of witchcraft and the occult, but keep it hidden away for our own safety.

P.S. If you are interested in the Shadow Priestess Initiation, please reach out via DM. I would love to help you get started on your journey and walk beside you while you learn more about yourself and the Dark Goddesses.