Look, we love them. We really do. But if the men in your life are anything like the men in mine, there are certain... gaps. In knowledge, in context, and in the basic understanding of what it has meant, historically and personally, to move through the world in a female body.

The good news: there’s a book for that. Several, actually.

So this Father’s Day, skip the grill accessories, the socks and the pocket knife – and instead hand them one of these. Then pour yourself a glass of something good, and let literature do the heavy lifting.

Six books to share with the men in your life this Father’s Day:

Men Explain Things to Me, Rebecca Solnit. Short, readable, and oh so on the nose.

Hunger, Roxane Gay. Visceral and unflinching on body, desire, and what women learn to carry.

Know My Name, Chanel Miller. For the men who thought they understood #MeToo. They didn’t.

All Fours, Miranda July. Weird, brilliant, and will start a conversation. Possibly an argument. Worth it either way.

Belabored, Lyz Lenz. For anyone who has ever been pregnant and thought: why does everyone keep lying to me about this?

Down Girl, Kate Manne. Hand this to the man who says he doesn’t see misogyny. He’ll see it by chapter two.

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In community,

Ruthie

UPCOMING CLASS

My fall Kickstarter starts October 6th. Waitlist is open if you want early access to enrollment and a bonus 30-minute 1:1 call with me to use anytime during the 8 week class.

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Sit back, relax, and enjoy Sara’s insights on the realities of memoir writing, finding time to write as a mom, how her targets for success have changed, fact checking in nonfiction writing, and so much more. Read on for the full interview and check out her memoir, Mother Tongue.

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What do you wish you knew before writing your memoir?

I think I knew this a little before, but man is writing a memoir embarrassing! Having to sit with all the dubious choices Middle and High School Sara made was embarrassing all over again, though ultimately once I waded through the big feelings, it was interesting to see the connective tissue that binds one’s life together. We don’t really think about our lives as having, “themes,” or at least I didn’t, but after writing a memoir, it’s clear that they do!

I also think it took me a while to pry myself away from the notion that a memoir has to be chronological. Once I let the book’s structure be determined by the content rather than what I thought a memoir should be (what, as I’ve learned, People of the Internet still believe it must be 😅) the writing became easier and the book got richer.

What inspired the idea for your book?

Mother Tongue started out as notes to my sons, so originally it was written in second person, with different chapters functioning as different letters to each boy. As I wrote, I realized that it increasingly didn’t make sense to try to parse out discrete parts of myself or them, so I ended up restructuring the book around thematic elements that spoke to both of them instead.

Any practical tips or routines for sitting down to write?

I don’t have much of a writing routine right now, with a newborn and two others home for the summer. Often I compose paragraphs in the shower, memorize them, and then run to write them down when I have a minute. I can’t say I recommend that, but I do actually think that having a time constraint on when I can write is useful to me--it makes me value that time more, and I find a little pressure helpful. Maybe a bit like how poets self-impose language-based constraints in order to write a better poem. I also write by hand, because I’m a control freak and if I started something on the computer, I would just write and delete the same sentence over and over again forever. If you, too, are like this, I highly recommend hand-writing to keep things moving forward.

How has your idea of being a “successful writer” changed since publishing a book?

When I first started thinking of myself as a writer, publishing seemed like the end all be all to me. Now with each subsequent book, my idea of success changes because I set new goals for myself. I do have a kind of “bucket list” of things I want to do with my writing--places I want to be published, more business-based achievement things, but probably my biggest indicator of success is when people read my work and tell me about their connections to the story and characters. Both of my novels, and this memoir, too, deal with marginalized groups, so hearing from readers who say,”I saw myself in this”--that’s the best feeling ever.

What’s one myth about publishing a book you want to dispel?

Whew! There are so many strange myths floating around out there! One that seems to have taken hold recently is that you need to have X amount of followers on Y platform to get a publisher to consider your work. And while I’m sure a big following on social media might be an appealing bonus to a publisher, particularly for nonfiction writers, not being TikTok famous simply isn’t a dealbreaker--just write a good book.

Another one--at least judging from the amount of AI spam trying to sell me pay-to-play book club appearances and SEO marketing packages--is that writers are making a lot of money from their books and have cash to burn. The structure of publishing contracts and advances do not lend themselves to stability; very few people are able to write as their full time job. Basically, neither money-making nor fame are good reasons to write books!

What piece of advice would you give to other writers who want to have a book published?

Enjoy this pre-publishing time! I know this probably sounds like annoying advice when you are excited and anxious to get published, but for real; never again will you be able to write freely without a thought to what your audience might like, dislike, send you hate mail about. You can get back to an approximation of not caring about this, eventually, but it will take a bit of work, so take advantage of doing your weirdest writing right now while no one’s watching.

What was the most surprising thing you learned along the way?

I learned that publishers don’t fact-check nonfiction books! How terrifying! I hired my own fact-checker, because it’s important to me that the facts in my book are factual, and I also kept copious endnotes, which are available on my website. Learning this really changed the way I thought about books and media literacy, and explains a lot about our collective understanding of “truth” and how we arrived at this particular political and educational moment.

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Mother Tongue reflects on Sara's life both before and after parenthood and is a remarkable portrait of America through reflections on some of its most complex histories: the rise of the Christian right, the thorny world of international adoption, and above all, the deaf and disabled communities’ stubborn survival in the face of persistent oppression.

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I want to show you the difference, using a moment from my own memoir.

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Summary tells us what happened.

Once I was safely home, I checked the bathroom and confirmed there was more blood. I showed Rob. I couldn’t stop panicking.

You understand this. But you’re not inside of it.

Scene drops us into a specific moment and lets it unfold in real time.

Here’s how I actually wrote it in my memoir:

I came out, my underwear still down around my thighs, and called to Rob. “Blood. Blood,” I said, pointing, hoping he would verify whether there was in fact blood in my underwear. He tried to calm me. “Everything is okay,” he said, stepping forward and holding my cheeks gently between his palms.

The scene version doesn’t tell you I was terrified and needed someone else to confirm my own reality. It doesn’t need to. The underwear around my thighs does it. The fragmented speech does it. Rob holding my cheeks in his palms does it.

This is what separates memoir from a therapy session or even a journal entry. In therapy, you process the experience. In memoir, you re-enter it. The reader needs the underwear still around your thighs, the specific words you said, the precise gesture your partner made. The specificity is what jolts the reader emotionally. It’s what allows the reader to recognize themselves in your story.

The test I give writers is to read a paragraph of your own work and ask yourself: am I reporting what happened, or am I inside the moment? If you’re reporting, you’re in summary. If you’re in the moment, you’re in scene.

Most first drafts are 80% summary. Summary is how we find the story. Scene is how we tell it.

Try this: Take one paragraph from your memoir or essay that you know is in summary. Pick one specific moment within it and rewrite it as a scene. Give us a location. Where are we? What time of day is it? What season is it? What are you doing in that place? Use dialogue without explaining what it means. Let the reader be a fly on the wall so we can be there with you.

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In Community,

Ruthie

P.S. My fall Kickstarter starts October 6th. Waitlist is open if you want early access to enrollment and a bonus 30-minute 1:1 call with me to use anytime during the 8 week class.

But the truth is that I didn’t escape unscathed. After my daughter Clementine was born I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. I worried that I’d accidentally scald her tiny body in the bathtub. Or drop her when we took our daily walks. I cried for what seemed like no reason. Looking back there were plenty of reasons to cry. It was 2020 and we were all trapped in a world ruled by Covid-19. Not only that, but having a baby is hard even without a global pandemic.

May is Maternal Mental Health Awareness Month and yet too few of us talk about our experiences. Society tells us to take meds, to muscle through, to move on. And plenty of us do. There are costs though. Instead of connection and community around the hard stuff, we feel isolated and estranged. Instead of understanding that we’re not alone, we imagine that no one has ever been through this before.

Instead of silence around our struggles as mothers (and humans), let’s share our stories. Instead of pretending we’re a-okay, let’s normalize asking for, and offering, help.

In Community,

Ruthie

If you want to read more about my story with maternal mental health, I published a piece for Oprah Daily on my mother’s struggles and how that impacted my own experience with maternal ambivalence.

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Last chance to sign up for my summer kickstarter! Meeting weekly starting June 2nd, my 8-week kickstarter will help you get your creative juices flowing or get you unstuck.

Save Your Spot

And if you are craving some quality time to dedicate to your writing – in a beautiful place with plenty of time for rest and recharging – I am leading a writing workshop at the Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, NY this July 12-17. Learn more and sign up.

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I’m especially excited to work alongside such an incredible group of women. Diving into their stories, shaping structure and voice, and helping position their memoirs for agents (and my very own agent Jane Von Mehren will be mentoring alongside me as well!). In between classes, I’m looking forward to slow mornings with my own writing, long dinners under the Tuscan sky, and a little space to rest, reset, and make a dent in my ever-growing TBR pile.

In case you’re wondering what made the cut, here are the books I’m bringing along. Fair warning: it’s a mix of grief, philosophy, and science–maybe not the most obvious vacation lineup, but at this point, would you expect anything else?

Grief Is the Thing with Feathers by Max Porter

A short, poetic story about a father and his two sons learning to live with loss after their mother dies, helped along by a strange, talking crow. It’s sad, funny, and surprisingly comforting.

Night Night Fawn by Jordy Rosenberg

A dark, dreamlike novel about a struggling professor whose life spirals into a strange and unsettling world. It blends horror and social themes to explore identity, power, and survival––my favorite type of book.

The Blindspot: Why Science Cannot Ignore Human Experience by Adam Frank, Evan Thompson, and Marcelo Gleiser

This book explains why science can’t fully understand reality without considering human consciousness and experience. It makes big ideas about the mind and the universe feel clear and engaging. I’ve been fascinated by Blindspot since reading Michael Pollan’s new book, A World Appears, and hearing Michael recommend it on Ezra Klein’s podcast.

When We Cease to Understand The World by Benjamin Labatut

A gripping mix of fact and fiction about scientists whose discoveries changed the world in unsettling ways. It shows how the search for knowledge can lead to both brilliance and danger. I will report back on what I learn!

What weird, unusual, or quirky books are currently on your TBR list?

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My 8-week kickstarter will help you get your creative juices flowing or get you unstuck. Through in-class exercises, optional homework assignments, one-on-one workshopping of long-form pieces, a magical mystery box of supplemental reading and listening recommendations, and more, you’ll find a sustainable writing flow that will allow you to generate work like you never have before. Our summer cohort meets weekly starting June 2nd.

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After over seven years editing, advising and strategizing with clients on their book projects, I’ve pinpointed the speed bumps that most people hit on the road to publication. Understanding these hurdles can help you plan ahead, mapping out where you might need to invest more time (and money) to help you cross the finish line.

This list isn’t exhaustive, and it’s not meant to scare you. It’s meant to shine a light into the dark tunnel so you can see what’s ahead.

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Here are the 5 most common hurdles that may be standing in the way of your book dream:

• You don’t pinpoint your publishing goals up front so you end up spinning your wheels and/or spending time and money heading down the wrong publishing path.

• You haven’t poked and prodded your book concept to make sure it’s solid before starting to write.

• You haven’t formulated a clear takeaway/argument that addresses the readers’ pain points, not just your own.

• You haven’t figured out how you’re going to talk about and market your book, which is its own superpower — very different than writing.

• You’re still waiting for a savior to swoop in to identify how to sell your book to your audience when ensuring your ideas connect with media outlets, social media and communities far and wide will ultimately fall on you.

• BONUS: You haven’t aligned your “brand”/business/platform with your book so that your website, LinkedIn, social media and talking points are all reinforcing your expertise and/or the book’s message.

Which one of these have been a stumbling block for you? Are there any you would add to the list? What advice would you give to someone feeling stuck in the process of writing or publishing their book?

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If you resonate with any or all of these, hiring a book writing coach (like me!) or signing up for a book incubator to hold you accountable, shed a light on the black box of the publishing industry and give you community to support you through the process of writing and publishing a book could be a great way to keep moving forward towards your book writing dreams.

Learn More About IWC

I have one spot left for my 6-month Book Builder which starts Wednesday, May 13. This six-month writing boot camp will help you get words on the page and develop the structure and connective tissue that will give your book its glue. It is a combo of both group workshops and individual sessions to keep you on track to complete a roadmap of your book and the first two to three chapters (or more!).

If you’re interested in joining us, reply back to this email or fill out the application today!

Apply Today

If you are looking for community and accountability for your writing practice but aren’t working on a book or longer term project, my 8-week kickstarter is a perfect class to help you get your creative juices flowing. Our summer cohort meets weekly starting June 2nd. Learn more.

Before The Mother Code was published on May 6, 2025, I scrawled a wish list of my hopes and dreams for the memoir I’d spent five years of my life writing, not to mention all the living it took to fill its pages.

• An essay in The Cut

• A “Personal History” piece in the New Yorker

• An interview with Terry Gross

• An episode on one of my favorite podcast’s Death, Sex and Money

• A NYT Book Review: “a good review of course :)” I cheekily added

You know, small wins.

My publicity team was kind enough not to laugh at me. They just emailed back: “This is our wish list too :)” and left it at that.

Dear Reader, in case it’s not obvious yet, none of these dreams came true.

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Instead what this last year taught me is this: you can’t even imagine the doors that will open to you when you put your heart (and mind) out into the world.

I never could have conjured the conversations big, and small, that I’d have with those who connected with my words. The families I’d meet when Victoria Nino asked me to lead two of her groups for those exploring donor conception. The opportunities I’d have to share my story in front of hundreds at events like Generation Women, Mom 2.0, The Uplifters Live and Deep Water Literary Festival, to name a few. The retreats I’d be asked to teach this year in Tuscany and at The Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, NY.

If I could go back and tell Ruthie from a year ago anything it would be to stop trying to guess what the future will bring and just enjoy it as it comes. Because when we try to grasp at control and certainty we always miss the mark. It’s not that we shouldn’t dream big. It’s that there are a lot of ways success could look that we can’t even imagine.

No, I didn’t become a bestseller on any list, anywhere.

My book is not coming out in paperback anytime soon.

Gwyneth is not playing me in the movie (nor will Adam Driver be my on-screen husband).

But writing a book is a long game. My life has been profoundly changed for the better. I feel more confident that I have something to say and that others will listen. Hundreds of people have reached out to tell me that my words have made them feel less alone. My book sells a dozen+ copies a week. And I never have to wonder “what if” I’d followed my dream.

Also, I got to be on DR. BECKY’S PODCAST.

There are so many things to say about the boulder authors need to push up the mountain in order to publish a book. The truth, though, is that I’ve built a life where I’m a writer and this book is just the first of many, I hope.

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In Community,

Ruthie

My dear friend drew The Mother Code and I don’t think I ever shared it on here. Be sure to check out her incredible newsletter. And one more shameless plug…order a copy if you haven’t already!

In case you want to take a trip down memory lane with me, here are a few more posts about the process of publishing The Mother Code:

The Spark ✨

My Book Comes Out Today ✨

I’ve been waiting for this day for three years, or maybe my whole life. It’s pub day and that means you can walk into any bookstore and see my book on the shelf. And not just any book, but my memoir, the very real and raw path I took to finally deciding whether motherhood was right for me…

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a year ago · 36 likes · 32 comments · Ruthie Ackerman

The Spark ✨

THANK YOU!!!! For Reading, For Everything.

My pub date came and went and I am still in shock at the outpouring of love and support for this book…

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a year ago · 20 likes · 6 comments · Ruthie Ackerman

The Spark ✨

What I Wish I Knew Before I Went On Book Tour.

Book Tour Expectation vs. Reality…

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a year ago · 30 likes · 17 comments · Ruthie Ackerman

The Spark ✨

What I Wish I Knew Before Trying to Write a Book

Set Yourself Up For Success…

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a year ago · 20 likes · 3 comments · Ruthie Ackerman

The Spark ✨

The Mother Code Is Almost 6 Months Old!

One of the good things about working on other people’s books is this: I get a front row seat on how authors get readers to pony up $30 to buy their books. So, I knew going into pub day that if I wanted anyone to hear the tree (my book!) falling in the forest, I was going to have to be the one running around shouting…

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8 months ago · 8 likes · 3 comments · Ruthie Ackerman

LAST CALL! My 6-month Book Builder program is a combo of both group workshops and individual sessions to keep you on track to complete a roadmap of your book and the first two to three chapters (or more!). My next cohort starts on May 13, 2026. Apply today! Only a few spots left.

My 8-week kickstarter will help you get your creative juices flowing or get you unstuck. Our summer cohort meets weekly starting June 2nd. Learn more.

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Tensions arise when the narrator is supposed to want something, but they actually want something else.

This is true for creative nonfiction and fiction. And is even true for leadership or “big ideas” books. A book about how to lead with confidence is really about how to stand in your own power despite society’s expectations that you shrink and contort yourself. A book about living your values is really about the desire to stay true to yourself even when the world is pushing you to sell out or become someone different.

Here’s an exercise I use to help clients identify desires vs. expectations:

Part A — Two columns: Draw a line down the page and set a timer for 5 minutes.

• Left column: What I was supposed to want

• Right column: What I actually want / wanted / feared wanting

You don’t need to write full sentences— fragments, images, or single words are fine.

A few examples from my book, The Mother Code, to light a spark of inspiration:

1. I was supposed to stay in my first marriage because he was a “good” guy. What I actually wanted was to be in a relationship where I could explore all the facets of me, even the tiny seed that wanted to be a mother.

2. I was supposed to give up my dream of being a writer in order to be a mother. What I actually wanted was to be both a mother and a writer—and see examples of other women (and humans) who were fully self-actualized and parents too.

Part B — Sprint: Pick the pair on your list that creates the most electricity — the pairing that makes you feel slightly vulnerable. Now take 10 minutes to write a scene, a memory, or an imagined moment where those two things collide.

Debrief (5 min): Did anything you write surprise you? Surprise is the signal that you’ve hit something true.

I’d love to hear what came out of this exercise for you! Feel free to leave me a comment below.

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In community,

Ruthie

My 6-month Book Builder program is a combo of both group workshops and individual sessions to keep you on track to complete a roadmap of your book and the first two to three chapters (or more!). My next cohort starts on May 13, 2026. Apply today! Only a few spots left.

My 8-week kickstarter will help you get your creative juices flowing or get you unstuck. Our summer cohort meets weekly starting June 2nd. Learn more.

See all upcoming classes

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Here are some of the things I have been doing that have nothing to do with AI:

Lifting weights

Leaving my clothes on my chair like I’m still 16

Doing the same puzzle over and over with my daughter

Trying (and failing) to get in 10,000 steps

Drinking my morning coffee

Drinking my daily Pamplemousse La Croix (can someone please tell me what flavor that is?)

Reading actual books made out of paper from my TBR pile

Sitting on the couch early in the morning hoping no one wakes up so I can read the weekend newspaper in peace

Standing on stage reading from my book at Miss Manhattan’s reading series at Niagara

Noticing the tulips at every bodega

Leaving voice memos for my friends (voice memos are my love language)

Listening to Ezra Klein and Michael Pollan talk about consciousness

Eating a home cooked meal made for me by Rob

Cuddling in bed with Rob and Clem

Smelling the Neroli cleaning spray I use to clean the counters

Writing book number 2

Walking my daughter to school

Thinking

Breathing

Staring into space

The next time you feel overwhelmed by the thought of AI taking over your life, remember that it will never replace seeing the early spring flowers blooming, hearing your loved ones laugh, or the smell of your favorite room spray.

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In Community,

Ruthie

A colleague of mine, Lee Bonvissuto, is running a free live workshop on April 16 called Confident in Any Room. It’s for people who are confident most of the time but whose voice goes unpredictable in certain rooms. If that sounds like someone you know, or like you, it’s worth checking out. Register here.

My 6-month Book Builder program is a combo of both group workshops and individual sessions to keep you on track to complete a roadmap of your book and the first two to three chapters (or more!). My next cohort starts on May 13, 2026. Applications now open.

See All Upcoming Classes

It doesn’t matter if you’re a newbie writer who’s never written anything at all. Or someone with 10 bestsellers. Every time you sit down to the page to start something new is like learning to walk for the first time. You wobble. You shake. You fall down. And what separates those who finish writing their books from those who don’t? You keep going.

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But the thing most people don’t talk about is that persistence isn’t just a trick of mind over body. It’s not only about permission and confidence and creative entitlement, though those things are critical too. It’s also about what you do when you hit the inevitable dead end.

In writing The Mother Code there were dead ends and there were DEAD ENDS:

• For a long time I knew what I was trying to say (ie. the plot points I wanted to hit) but I had no idea what all those plot points added up to.

• It turned out the opening of my book was actually a chapter I thought would be toward the end. Until I flipped the whole structure around, I couldn’t cross the finish line of my first draft.

• No matter how many rabbit holes I went down I could only find records for 14 of my great-grandmother’s marriages (not the 25 my mother swore she’d had).

But the DEAD END that sticks out to me the most is the one that changed everything I thought I knew about my life. I’d decided to not have children because I’d always been told that my great-grandmother and my grandmother had abandoned their children. There must be something wrong with our DNA, I believed. The Mother Code was my attempt to uncover that genetic flaw. Except, there was no genetic flaw. My great-grandmother and grandmother were broken humans, like all of us, and they made decisions about their children and their lives based on the choices they had at the time. I’d been looking for the smoking gun but what I found instead was compassion. That “dead end” turned out to be the turning point for my book. Not only did my ancestors not have a “bad mother” gene, but I didn’t either.

I never would have known that, though, if I’d given up when I lost my digital recorder that held the interviews with my Great Uncle who had died. Or if I threw in the towel when the stories I’d heard from family members didn’t match the document trail I found. Contradicting information, and even lack of information, is a breadcrumb you can follow out of the dark woods of writing.

I’m now working on my second book and I’ve already hit what feels like a major dead end. I’d reached out three times to the media team at a major cancer hospital in NYC to speak to a pair of scientists whose research is key to my premise, but they didn’t respond. After weeks I finally tracked down someone else I knew who’s a famous researcher at the same hospital, but he passed along the message that they won’t speak to me because of their fears of bringing attention to their work given the current climate in DC.

I was considering giving up when I sent an email to a group of very connected women I know. The husband of one of them works in biotech as a neuroscientist and gave me a hot tip: reach out to the company founded based on the research of the scientists I was hoping to interview. “Perhaps the team there will be more responsive,” he offered. Later that day I already had a call with the head of the media team scheduled. Jackpot.

Dead ends are not a sign that your project is doomed or not worthy. They are a feature of any essay or book, not a bug. The moral of the story: keep going. You never know what you’ll find on the other side.

In Community,

Ruthie

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Read on for the full interview and check out her latest novel Clutch. And be sure to follow her Substack, .

Buy A Copy of Clutch

What do you wish you knew before writing your novel?

I wrote the first draft of Clutch very quickly (for me)—in just under a year. I knew, in my gut, that the heart was there, the plot and the characters were spot on, and honestly, I thought it was a slam dunk. I wish I had known I’d have to reconsider every beat, every word choice, over the course of the next eighteen months. Sure, I had the “core mission” of the book locked in, but the language was messy, repetitive, imprecise, and my meanderings were real. I don’t regret writing it fast, but I wish I could’ve seen when and how to tune my own prose at speed. I got there—my editor and copy editor helped, and I think I went above and beyond what they were asking of me, in terms of fine-tuning—but I would have loved to have applied that steely objectivity and high bar for language into earlier drafts. Next book goals!

What inspires the ideas for your books?

Every project (two books, and a bunch of stories, at this point) is different, but I think a thing that continues to fascinate me is how we live with one another. How do communities support themselves, how do stakeholders compete and hurt one another, work at cross purposes? What ties us together, what drives us apart? I am talking about communities in the most liberal sense—baseball teams, friend groups, cities and towns, all sorts of places.

Any practical tips or routines for sitting down to write?

I’m not one of those “write every day” writers—an idea has to percolate for days, weeks, months before I feel ready to sit down and write. For that reason, I try to keep a few projects running, at different stages of development at any given time: I’m thinking about one idea, reading on background and considering the dimensions of it. I’m making early attempts at drafting something else, and maybe revising a third piece. I can sense when I hit terminal velocity on a new draft, and then I shove off development and revision for a while, and give the new piece my full attention. This is not entirely efficient—I’ll be the first to admit I procrastinate by way of research—but it works well enough.

How has your idea of being a “successful writer” changed since publishing a book?

How to answer this one? I got a very modest advance for Clutch—think a few months of the mortgage—and then I woke up on pub day to a glowing review in the New York Times. I’ve known this for a long time, but it reminded me that you have to decouple the merit of your creative expression from the dollar signs. Sometimes they line up, of course, and great books go to auction and get supported from the very start. But sometimes, you just have to believe in the work, and keep going.

What’s one myth about publishing a book you want to dispel?

See above. Not every book’s merit correlates directly with its advance, or the size of its publishing house. I also want to advocate for midcareer, midlist writers—the people who never became literary rockstars (those folks can write and be supported throughout their career), but who are still working hard and writing well, writing even better than their debuts, as they move into second, third, fourth books. Publishing gets really excited about the buzzy debut and those proven, marquee names, but I wish there was more support for the middle of the pack as they move through their literary journey.

What piece of advice would you give to other writers who want to have a book published?

Keep going! It will take longer, and take more out of you than you can imagine. But if you’re enjoying the process of writing, of revising and improving that idea that got you to the desk in the first place, the journey can be continually joyful.

What was the most surprising thing you learned along the way?

I learned a lot about my friendships while writing this book. What was beautiful about them, sure, but I also was working through a lot of the painful stuff of friendships, when my friends and I have let each other down. Being so honest about that, I think I came to an understand of how I could do better at supporting the people I care about, being more present for them without regressing to the cuddle puddle of young adulthood, when we were all in physical proximity and didn’t have that much in the way of external responsibilities. I’m really touched when I talk to readers who say Clutch helped them reach some similar conclusion—that it makes them think about the past and future of their friendships, and see the value of those relationships in a new light.

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Clutch follows a group of five women, friends for twenty years, as they navigate the biggest challenges of their lives, asking: When you’re hanging on by your fingernails, how can you extend a hand to the ones you love?

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Connect with Emily

This list is a mix of books that challenge, disrupt, and expand what we think we know about women’s lives, bodies, and history. Some made me angry, some blew my mind, and some made me feel seen in a way I didn’t expect. All of them left a mark. If you’re looking for reads that question the status quo and remind you just how much there is to reclaim as a woman in today’s world, start here.

The Code Breaker by Walter Isaacson

A fascinating read about the woman behind gene editing, the invention that answers questions about the origins of life but also forces us to wrestle with some of the most profound ethical issues of our time.

Eve by Cat Bohannon

Did you know that the female body drove 200 million years of human evolution? Neither did I. That’s because hiding the wonders of women is a feature of the patriarchal system we live under. Read this book for a revision of human history that’s urgent and eye-opening.

Vagina Obscura by Rachel E Gross

A book about vaginas? Yes, please. In a world that shies away from researching and writing about female bodies, this book is an invitation and an ode to one of the most misunderstood organs.

Belabored by Lyz Lenz

This book was one of my bibles when I was writing The Mother Code. It helped give me the confidence to turn my memoir into a manifesto of sorts and let my rage roar.

Whidbey by T Kira Madden

T Kira’s first novel brings together three women in the aftermath of a man’s murder. But not just any man. A man who sexually assaulted two of them. After reading Long Live The Tribe of Fatherless Girls I’d follow T Kira anywhere.

She Said by Jodi Kantor and Megan Twohey

From the reporters who uncovered the truth about Harvey Weinstein, this investigative thriller gives me hope for future generations.

The Dialectic of Sex by Shulamith Firestone

The subtitle “the case for feminist revolution” says it all.

The Way We Never Were by Stephanie Coontz

The 1950s Brady Bunch family is, and always has been, a myth. The traditional family model has never been the male breadwinner marriage. Reading this book changed everything I ever thought I knew about the modern family.

Down Girl by Kate Manne

That feeling that so many women have that if you don’t tow the line you’ll be punished? Not an accident. Kate Manne shows us why controlling and policing “bad” women is the engine that keeps society churning.

Motherhood by Sheila Heti

A novel about the twists and turns of whether the author Sheila Heti should have a child sounds grim, but someone she pulls it off--and offers a deeply felt view of womanhood along the way.

Like a Mother by Angela Garbes

Angela Garbes says the quiet part out loud, asking the questions we all think about but rarely get the chance to have answered.

What books would you add to the list?

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Ruthie

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The most recent on March 6th, asks a seemingly innocuous question in the headline: At What Point In My Career Should I Pause To Have Kids? But when I read that I immediately looked around me to see if anyone else noticed what the editors had done there, even though I was sitting alone in my bedroom. A few seconds later I shouted back at my screen: who says we have to pause our careers to become parents? Why are we still assuming we have to halt our lives for motherhood?

Some people pause their careers. Others don’t. Most don’t have that option at all. Why is it still a given in some circles that women have to choose between motherhood and work, between motherhood and creativity, between motherhood and their dreams? This all or nothing thinking is something I wrote about when my memoir was published last year. And guess what? It still enrages me.

We’re told everywhere we turn that women can’t be fully self-actualized humans and mothers. And yet, there are models all around us of women who have carved out their own paths and had children. My favorite book on the subject is an anthology called Revolutionary Mothering that spotlights how women of color have long understood the struggle for liberation and motherhood as intertwined.

“What would it mean to take the word “mother” less as a gendered identity and more as a possible action, a technology of transformation…?” the author Alexis Pauline Gumbs asks. As I wrote in The Mother Code, I jumped out of my chair when I read that. Yes, yes, yes, that’s the kind of motherhood I want. So, how did my image of what motherhood had to be get so far from my desired reality? Why in 2026 are we still wondering if women can lead full lives and be mothers too?

The second essay, On The Fence About Having Kids? Read This Book, includes a fascinating dive into the life of Merle Bombardieri, the author of the 1981 hit, The Baby Decision, and the essay’s author, Sanjena Sathian’s own journey to and through maternal ambivalence. But I also felt just plain sad. Fifteen years ago when I was an on-the-fencer trying to figure out my own “baby decision” I also read every book out there hoping someone (anyone!) could tell me whether I should become a mom. And yet here we are, all these years later, and it’s no easier to make that decision. If anything it’s harder. Roe has now been overturned. We still don’t have paid parental leave. Childcare is more expensive than ever. Our country is a disaster by every measure. And women are still reading the same books our mothers read–pushing the same boulders up the same hills for liberty and justice, something we were promised in the Pledge of Allegiance.

Not only that, but more and more MEN are talking about their own ambivalence. It’s actually not only women who suffer from being on-the-fencers — so many of us do. So, why aren’t we talking about ambivalence as a societal issue not just a women’s issue?

And then there’s He Changed His Mind, which spotlights a series of relationships where the woman doesn’t want children but her male partner, who originally agreed to be child-free, eventually decides he does want kids. Here’s a perfect example of men struggling with the choices around having a family! And let me tell you it’s not just men who change their minds about kids. Many of us do. In fact, in my Modern Love essay from 2019, I wrote about how I had done this exact thing in my first marriage. It’s difficult to decide what we want for our lives–and stick with it. We are constantly evolving and that’s the danger of love. We hope the other person changes with us, but that doesn’t always happen. And when we go in different directions, we have to make the painful decision to part ways. This isn’t a man or a woman problem. It’s the truth of relationships. Anytime two people try to meld their lives there will be puzzle pieces they thought fit together only to discover they no longer do.

I love that The Cut is focusing so much energy on parenthood, and I also wonder when I’ll finally read the essay about maternal joy. Or the one about that phantom-limb feeling that stays with you when you can’t be with your kid(s). Or that other one about the worthiness of a life with or without children. There’s so much to say that’s real and raw and honest and of the moment.

In Community,

Ruthie

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My Spring 8-Week Kickstarter is starting Tuesday, 3/24. This class is a perfect place to dive back into a writing project or start a new one. You’ll generate work using my tried and true exercises and prompts. It’s the perfect antidote to writer’s block. Only a few spots left. Save your spot.

The Fundamentals is a six-week group mentorship that shines a light on the black box of the book writing world and helps you get your book idea out of your head and onto the page. You’ll leave with a clear pathway to publishing and a sense of whether you have an idea that will sell. We’ll meet weekly starting Thursday, 4/2. Learn more.

The 6-month Book Builder program is a combo of both group workshops and individual sessions to keep you on track to complete a roadmap of your book and the first two to three chapters (or more!). My next cohort starts on May 13, 2026. Applications now open.

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Read on for the full interview and be sure to check out the newly released novel Little One.

Buy A Copy of Little One

What do you wish you knew before writing your novel?

I wish I knew that the only thing worth spending significant time and energy on is the writing itself (and that includes research, reading, revising, etc.). Wasting hours obsessing over reviews, money, publicity, marketing, or comparison often seems like it will be helpful in some way, but it is completely unproductive. It will never help me become a better writer or even a better self-promoter. The more attention I put on the writing itself, the more at peace I feel about all the countless uncontrollable parts of publishing a book, too.

What inspires the ideas for your books?

Anything and everything. I tend to start very, very small — a sentence, an image, a setting, an object, a song. This means that plotting is often a nightmare, but it is also part of the joy of the process. To start with almost nothing and build a whole world is magic.

Any practical tips or routines for sitting down to write?

Like everything in my life, I find that leaving room for flexibility is always a good idea. I do my best to dedicate the majority of my work days to writing and I aim to do the most creative work of the day first thing (i.e. drafting before revising, or revising before publicity/marketing tasks), but beyond that I am not strict. I don’t write every day. I don’t have a set word goal. I try not to take more than a week or two away from a WIP, but I have some wiggle room with that, too.

How has your idea of being a “successful writer” changed since publishing a book?

Oof. What a good question. I used to believe that being a successful writer meant writing for a living. Once I got deeper into the publishing world, the goal post began to shift. It wasn’t enough to publish a book if it wasn’t a best seller. It wasn’t enough to have a best seller if it wasn’t a book club pick. And on and on it goes. These days, I try to reframe success as something very simple. Most often, to me, success feels like always holding three books in my head: One that I am polishing, one that I am drafting, and one that I am dreaming about.

What’s one myth about publishing a book you want to dispel?

That it makes impostor syndrome go away. If anything, my impostor syndrome has only gotten more intense since I published my first book. I regularly feel like I have tricked or fooled my publisher; I rarely believe reader praise (I tell myself they’re just being polite!) and I almost always accept reader criticism as true.

What piece of advice would you give to other writers who want to have a book published?

No matter what level of ‘success’ you achieve, the daily act of writing is the only thing you will ever be able to control. If you make that the focus of your days and goals, you will be better for it.

What was the most surprising thing you learned along the way?

I had no idea about the financial realities of being an author before I started publishing books. It is nearly impossible to make a comfortable full-time income from writing books alone unless you are in the lucky .00001% of authors. This is why I am so grateful for my past as a freelance writer and editor. I’m very used to piecing together a salary from a handful of different gigs.

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Sharp-eyed and sweltering, Little One masterfully captures the dread of facing your deepest desires, when the hunger to become your best self threatens to drown out everything else. An achingly astute look at modern womanhood and wellness culture, it tackles the enduring question: How far would you go to be good?

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Connect with Olivia

The problem is that speaking publicly and writing are very different skill sets. One involves being holed away in a room by yourself, channeling the mess in your mind into something legible. The other is a performance of sorts, where you have to take big ideas and make them sound sexy to people who don’t know you or your book–and you have to feel comfortable and confident while doing it.

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I’ve always loved the writing part. Not the speaking.

I’ve heard the same stat that you probably have: the biggest fear most people have (besides death) is public speaking. And I’m no different. Before my book tour, I imagined my biggest hater showing up in every room and telling everyone what a fraud I am (not to mention all the “facts” I got wrong on every page).

Recently, I took a public speaking course with Ultraspeaking and my only complaint is that I didn’t learn about it until *after* my book tour was over. I learned how to use natural pauses and energy levels to engage my audience. Feel confident talking about literally anything. And let my personality shine through instead of putting on my stilted, speaker voice/cadence.

What I walked away with is that writing and speaking have a lot of similarities. For both you have to:

• Give yourself permission to be the expert or authority

• Distill ideas into something digestible for your audience

• Be vulnerable and human

• Quiet your inner critic

• SLOW DOWN

• Embrace curiosity

I’ll leave you with this: start thinking about how you’re going to talk about your book long before your book is out in the world. Don’t worry you’ll have plenty of down time while you’re waiting for edits, cover designs…and more. Every step of the book writing process requires tons of WAITING, which is a great time to practice your talking points and get media/stage ready. Remember: messaging matters. Knowing your audiences and how to slice and dice your ideas for each one is critical. Ask yourself:

What will my biggest critics say about my book?–and be prepared with an answer.

You wouldn’t just wing writing your book, so don’t just wing talking about it either.

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In Community,

Ruthie

The 8-week kickstarter will help you get your creative juices flowing or get you unstuck.

The 6-month Book Builder program is a combo of both group workshops and individual sessions to keep you on track to complete a roadmap of your book and the first two to three chapters (or more!). My next cohort starts on May 13, 2026. Applications now open.

See all upcoming classes

With a girls’ trip coming up later this month, I’ve been thinking a lot about Galentine’s Day and all the little ways we can celebrate the friendships that mean so much to us – the ones who show up, cheer us on, and love us in ways that a romantic partner never could.

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If you’re looking for a thoughtful gift for your writer friends, a book-obsessed lover, or even a little treat to give yourself some extra TLC, keep scrolling for my recommendations this month.

Need I say more.

For that friend who always has the best stories.

This will keep their toes toasty–and cute.

Libraries for the win.

Don’t let writer’s block stop ‘em.

When they’d rather be reading than sitting in traffic.

For the woman who holds too much.

If you’re wondering what my dream present is…

Save the artists.

It’s never bright enough when you’re writing.

It’s a tie between this one and this one.

Get a matching pair for yourself

The cutest notecards for writing a little love note

I would never buy this for myself, but I’d hope someone would buy it for me.

What gifts are you going to give your Galentines (OR Valentine) this year?

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My Spring 8-Week Kickstarter is starting Tuesday, 3/24. This class is a perfect place to dive back into a writing project or start a new one. You’ll generate work using my tried and true exercises and prompts. It’s the perfect antidote to writer’s block.

Save Your Spot

I want to offer a metaphor–something about how I’m frozen too. But god everything just seems dumb in the face of the murders, terror and hopelessness ravaging EVERYTHING. Even in my local mom’s group on Facebook, someone in our quaint neighborhood posted anonymously that she had to sit her young kids down and tell them to carry their passports in their backpacks. Their skin is a shade of brown darker than most of us and she knew they might stand out in a way that even here, even now, could get them killed, or detained. We’ve all seen loud and clear that it can, and does, happen in our backyards.

I want to write lists of all the things on my mind. Maybe if I put them here for you all to see, my puny brain will feel relief. But I’m scared I’ll miss something. That some terrible thing will have fallen off my radar or get pushed down by something that suddenly seems even more urgent.

Minneapolis.
Iran.
Renee Nicole Good.
Alex Pretti.
Liam Conejo Ramos.
Venezuela.
The attack on Ilhan Omar.

The question that keeps coming up in my classes and with my individual clients is this: how do we keep showing up to the page even when it’s hard? Even when everything hurts. Even when the page feels useless. What good will it do?

And here’s my answer:

1. Writing is a radical act in a society that wants to silence us. Yes, we need protestors in the streets and calling representatives. And we also need a cacophony of voices putting their thoughts on the page, reminding ourselves (and future generations) what it was like to be alive in 2026.

2. Writing helps us understand what’s going on in our heads. I don’t know about you, but I’m one of those people who only knows the mess inside my mind once it’s on the page. Writing brings me clarity. It helps ease my anxiety. And that’s no small feat.

3. Writing builds community. Yes, the act of writing is a solo activity. But when we share our writing or write together IRL or with our screens off, we are connecting deeply with others. Writing and storytelling are one of the oldest forms of community-building. And we need community more than ever.

4. As Sean Thomas Dougherty says in his gorgeous poem, Why Bother?, we write to heal wounds. It’s that simple.

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In community,

Ruthie

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But there are two reasons why trying to guess what the market wants is a bad idea:

1. By the time you write the proposal or manuscript you think everyone wants, the world will be onto the next thing. So much of the industry is about luck and timing and the zeitgeist that it’s so hard to guess what will be hot a few months or years from now.

2. The biggest question publishers will ask is, “why are you the one to write this book?” and you need to have a solid answer. If your answer is: because I thought it was the book that would be the most likely to sell, you likely won’t get very far.

A publisher wants you to write a book that only you can write. They want you to lean into YOU. They don’t want to see a book that’s just like what everyone else is writing.

So, how are you going to showcase who YOU are and what YOU do?

Here are some questions to ask yourself that will help:

• What is your special sauce, background or expertise that makes you stand out?

• What is the specific story that only you can tell that still has a universal message?

• What pain points in the world are you uniquely set up to solve?

• Do you have a fresh angle on an idea that everyone is thinking about in only one way? Is there something counterintuitive about your approach/concept?

Writing books is not about diluting who you are and what makes you special–it’s about leaning into yourself more than ever.

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In Community,

Ruthie

I’m hosting a FREE live, Zoom writing class on Thursday, February 12 at 1pm ET. This session is about nailing your book idea: locating the concept, giving it clarity, and identifying the question at the heart of it. Come with your one-minute book pitch and I'll pick 2-3 volunteers and respond the way an editor would when hearing your book idea for the first time. You’ll learn how book ideas are evaluated, where they commonly fall apart, and how to sharpen yours so it can sustain a full-length project. This is a live-only class (no recording), with time for Q&A at the end.

Save Your Spot

My Spring 8-Week Kickstarter is starting Tuesday, 3/24. This class is a perfect place to dive back into a writing project or start a new one. You’ll generate work using my tried and true exercises and prompts. It’s the perfect antidote to writer’s block.

Learn More

So I decided that for this week’s newsletter I’ll leave you with a list of all the things I’d bring with me on my dreamy writing residency even though I’m only armchair residence-ing this winter/spring:

Sketchbook/painting set for a daily creative practice.

Fill whatever room you’re in with good energy.

Free your inner writer.

Because looking good and feeling comfy makes everything flow better.

Embrace the fact that you’re a misfit.

A free online whiteboard to map out your book/essay ideas to your heart’s content.

Cozy (non-itchy!) sweater alert.

Wicked good slippers.

Don’t leave home without your favorite mug.

Pens that can keep up with your brain.

A notebook that lays flat.

Fun snacks!

A tote to carry it all.

The hat to end all hats.

A mistress-read when you’re bored of your TBR pile.

DIY chai latte mix.

What would you add to the list?

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In community,

Ruthie

• NEW DATES! There are still a few spots left for my Book Proposal Intensive now starting Wednesday, 1/21. If you want to turn your book idea into a book deal in 2026, this class will walk you through the steps to write a book proposal that actually sells.

• JUST ANNOUNCED Sign up for my Spring 8-Week Kickstarter starting Tuesday, 3/24. This class is a perfect place to dive back into a writing project or start a new one. You’ll generate work using my tried and true exercises and prompts. It’s the perfect antidote to writer’s block.

In The Mother Code, I made the decision early on that finances would be a central character in my book, not because it was comfortable to discuss, but because how can we talk honestly about fertility and women’s decision making around motherhood without facing the stark reality of money (who has it, who doesn’t, how it’s spent)? So often when I read memoirs (and I read A LOT for my work) there’s no mention of money. Seeing another author get into the nitty gritty of finances made me trust Belle’s narrator implicitly and kept me turning the pages waiting to absorb the train wreck of it all.

Now don’t get me wrong, there’s no way around the fact that Belle’s life is more privileged than most. She has more money than I can ever dream of (well, that’s not true – I have some pretty flashy dreams!). Yet she doesn’t shy away from laying out the realities of financial security and who held the power of the purse in her marriage.

There were so many times as I read Strangers that I wanted to scream at the page: No!! I can’t believe you didn’t listen to your lawyer when you wanted to use your family’s trust to buy that apartment (and that house!) even though that would essentially put your life savings at risk.

And: OMG, do not let him get away with protecting his own financial future to the detriment of yours and your children’s.

But you know what Belle’s writing also conjured for me?

All the times I made decisions out of love or people pleasing or protecting others’ feelings to the detriment of my own safety and desires. Who hasn’t?! :) So I’m in no position to be throwing stones. Belle and her husband had a prenup–and yet money got sticky between them.

Belle’s book couldn’t have come out at a more perfect time. The New Yorker just ran an essay entitled Why Millennials Love Prenups that spotlights the jump in new prenup apps, including HelloPrenup, Wenup, Neptune and First. Whether most of us have Belle Burden-money or not doesn’t matter. More Americans want prenups than ever.

This is a book that doesn’t ask the reader to pity the author. It’s a tour de force of midlife reckoning and the what ifs that most of us face at one time or another when our dreams unravel. Yet I didn’t close the book worried about what would become of Belle Burden (though I did hope that she’s dating someone wonderful and new!). I finished the last page and breathed a sigh of relief—that she was able to show her children what resilience and rewriting life’s narratives looks like. I can only hope that my life sets that kind of example for my daughter. That she sees in me a woman standing in her own power despite all the ways life tried to knock her down.

Strangers: A Memoir of Marriage by Belle Burden is on sale everywhere books are sold on January 13, 2026. Order your copy today!