In all honesty, since moving to Berlin last Spring, I’ve been in total absorb-mode - soaking in the delicious offerings this city has to offer.

For this coming year, though, I have a burning desire to share what I have absorbed and reconnect to my creative centre (warts and all). So, here I am, wanting to share some thoughts and feelings that have been on my heart recently…

Anger is boundaries, is protection, is action

When I began writing this piece, I intended it to be somewhat light and playful for the Valentine’s season. But of course, with the horrors of the world, I cannot ignore the heaviness of what we are seeing in our news feeds every single day.

The anger that my body feels is not something I was super familiar with growing up. Anger, like for many, was taught to me as something shameful, especially not for good little girls. Anger for me was always forced down, contorted into “hysteria”, coming out in bursts of crying, with no sense of direction except toward myself - accumulating in anxiety and low self-worth.

And yet, as I explore the uncomfortable truths of my emotional world, I build my capacity for healthy anger to flow, and I witness the importance of anger as a signal for my boundaries, as a force for protection, and as energy for taking action.

The truth is, many of us are being flooded with (re)traumatising content, igniting anger that overwhelms us to the point of dissociation. Our bodies’ very wise way of coping when things feel like too much.

[TW for the next para: SA]

As someone who experienced online grooming as a child/young adolescent (something I have never publicly disclosed, but feels ever more important to share in solidarity with anyone else who has gone through this), I know some of the pain that comes with healing from this.

For years, I let shame keep me quiet, numbed and normalised for survival. And yet now, I know how important it is to be angry, to use it to protect ourselves, and to fight for the rights of those who are marginalised and vulnerable in our society.

I’m deeply disgusted by how the world is run, by how little regard those most powerful have for the billions of people and creatures who just want to enjoy the wonders of the world. I find that the more we make space for anger, the more we create space for other emotions…

Grief is love, is acceptance, is longing

Another overshare incoming… It’s been just over a year and a half out of my long-term relationship, and while the grief comes in waves, those waves finally feel less like I’m being dragged over and under the current, and more like a pushing and pulling of the tide over my body.

It feels familiar. Still painful and yet welcomed. Honouring this reminds me of the love I once had, and still do. Deeply longing for that love to be felt and given and met in new ways.

This journey of accepting loss and healing from heartbreak can teach you so many wonderful things about yourself and our shared humanity. Our shared desires to love and be loved, despite the deeply flawed parts of us.

There are parts of me I never thought I could love, and yet here I am loving them. Though not in a “forced” kind of way, one that requires you to choke on it because that’s what people tell you to do… but a more gentle, tender, knowing acceptance of my imperfections. A softer approach to my inner demons. Like the love you’d hope a parent would offer a tantruming toddler, and this is the love I extend outwards to my friends, communities, and the rest of the world.

It’s been a process of reparenting myself and my younger selves who were taught to “stop crying”, “stop being so dramatic”, “stop being so sensitive”, to my younger selves who perhaps never received the kind of love I yearned for. It’s a soft hand on the heart, saying, “I know this is hard, and I’ve got you”.

It’s a kind of love that I wish we all had for ourselves and each other. Perhaps then, the world wouldn’t be so full of the horrors we see. But maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic?

A new kind of romance, expanding, beyond

Capitalism seeks to commercialise our love (yay), to keep us distracted from the kind of love that I am talking about. This undefinable thing that exists in every one of us, and can be felt at any time through the act of loving.

I always quote Massive Attack when I’m talking about love, “love is a verb, love is a doing word,” as I truly believe we need not wait to feel love, but can take action, to pour it into ourselves, and out into the world.

To share a quote from bell hooks from her acclaimed book All About Love: New Visions,

“To love well is the task in all meaningful relationships, not just romantic bonds.”

We must dismantle the hierarchy of love and prioritise it in our everyday lives, with whatever relationships we wish to foster. Including the one with yourself, the ones with friends, and even with strangers, and the world around us.

To share another quote from James Baldwin’s 1963 book The Fire Next Time, that expresses his feelings around the Civil Rights Movement and racism in America, he explains that,

“To be sensual, I think, is to respect and rejoice in the force of life, of life itself, and to be present in all that one does, from the effort of loving to the breaking of bread.”

Just like love, sensuality has this quality of presence, care, and joy that can actually challenge the dominant and oppressive forces.

It breaks my heart to see what humans have done to the world and each other. And it can often feel hopeless. But I saw a video recently of an Indigenous American (I will try to share it if I find it again), calling for us to forget about hope, “hope is for the privileged, we need to take action”. To put our energy where it is needed the most.

So how do we make love to the world without hope? We need to expand our romantic energy to fuel our resources, community, and care.

Remember: Love is a doing word.

Enter eco-sexuality

When I first heard of this term, I think I was struck by the oddness of it, but over the years, it has become such an important philosophy. It was introduced to me by Stephanie Theobald in her book Sex Drive: On the Road to a Pleasure Revolution when she visited the founders of Eco-Sexuality, renowned porn performer Annie Sprinkle and her filmmaker wife Beth Stephens, who invited Stephanie to masturbate in nature.

For far too long, white supremacist capitalist patriarchy has exploited “mother earth” and its resources. Their ecosexual manifesto invites us to shift our relationship with the earth from “mother” to “lover” as a way of being in relationship with the world that invites joy, love, and sensual seduction.

I recently attended a workshop held by queer trans sex educator Che Che Luna, on eco-masochism, and we were invited to bring different natural objects to connect with erotically. Safe to say, I never thought I could make love to a rock, but it was super hot and powerfully energising.

I’m not saying this is the answer to saving the planet… please, I’m not here to spiritually bypass. I only mean to say, once we begin to shift our relationship to ourselves, the people and the world around us, we begin to make more conscious decisions around community and care.

Some of my latest pleasure offerings…

If you are based in Berlin, I will be hosting a couple of sexy workshops in collaboration with Somatic Sexologist Valentine Bordet. On the 21st February join us to get Down & Dirty at Pinky Promise, and on the 1st March we will be hosting our 6th masturbation circle! This Sensual Self-Touch, we will be creating a queer self-love pleasure ritual.

And if you are looking for more one-to-one support, I have a few coaching slots available, just book yourself in for a free 15-mins intro call.

If you live in Germany, you may also be eligible for affordable counselling. Just drop me an email at olilipski@proton.me.

I can’t believe my baby is turning three this month! I launched The Queer Sensualist in 2022. Since then, I have coached over 70 individuals and couples through their journey of sensual intimacy.

I have loved every minute of supporting these beautifully open-minded and open-hearted people, with everything from their relationship concerns, body-image issues, anorgasmia and erectile problems, communication blocks, and sexual dissatisfaction,, as well as offering them guidance toward creating loving relationships, embodied pleasure and access to orgasms, sexual confidence, sensual wellbeing, and reclaiming their sexuality.

Wherever you are at in your own journey, know that you are not alone, and I’m here to help. For now though, here are five key lessons I’ve learned along the way that might already start shift some things for you:

1. Shame is usually found at the root of our sexual problems; the antidote is pleasure/consent-based sex-ed, community healing, and self-compassion

2. Our attachment styles are often misguided strategies for keeping love; we all have the capacity for creating more secure attachment in our nervous systems

3. So many of us are stuck in our heads, disconnecting us in the bedroom; slowing down and building trust with the body allows for more pleasure to occur

4. We are taught that our bodies and desires are in need of "fixing"; you're not broken and there is no such thing as "normal" - only what's true for you

5. Hetero-patriarchal messages limit our experience of sex and love; queering definitions expand your capacity for pleasure, 'gasms, and deeper intimacy

You might want to start asking yourself, What are some of the things getting in the way of the intimacy you desire?

If the answer feels unclear, or you simply want someone to reflect on these ideas with, I am offering a few LIMITED discounted slots for my 1:1 program this June to celebrate my baby turning three.

15-mins Intro call

Just know, before you book a call with me, that I personally really love to work with people who are ready and willing to:

• UNLEARN the blockages that are holding them back in their intimacy

• NOURISH their sensuality and sense of self

• CONNECT to their inner confidence and communicate authentically.

Have any questions? Drop me a little message, I promise I don’t bite:

Thank you for reading ‘Pleasure Anxiously’. As a brief reminder, here are some of the offerings & treats I have for you at the moment:

☎️ 1:1 sensual intimacy coaching - book a 15-mins free intro chat to see how I can support you

🖐️ 5 steps for sexual happiness ebook - download pleasure-based practices in my mini-ebook

📹 Rediscover sex & love webinar - 45-mins video to help you create the intimacy you desire

🌷 Regrowth ritual - audio guide to cultivate the garden of your sexuality

💓 Heart expansion meditation - audio guide to open you up to love

💸 Upgrade your substack subscription - for as little as £3.99 a month or £40 for the year (every little helps 🤗)

As you may know, I recently got a job offer here in Berlin to join a beautiful holistic and queer-centred therapy practice. It’s been my dream for almost a decade that I’d like to live here. While Covid, Brexit, and a long-term relationship in London may have been minor barriers to an earlier move, I’m grateful for the wait. I feel so ready to be here.

Why do I love it here? Well, despite the rise in fascism in Germany (which I guess isn’t unique to just here) I really love Berlin’s open and progressive mindset. For one, the queer history of the city (just check out my trans history walking tour video), as well as the very active activist culture that became embedded after the fall of the wall, not to mention the parties and the vibrant nightlife.

But what draws me in the most, I feel, is the nudity.

Even though this content is not behind a paywall, I want to share that it takes time and energy to create and upload the content that I create, so please consider becoming a paid subscriber of ‘Pleasure Anxiously’ for as little as £3.99 a month to support my work.

Subscribe now

Free the nipple!

As someone who loves being naked, I’ve already been to three nudist events since I landed just a month ago. And recently discovered the history of FKK which stands for Freikörperkultur (free body culture).

Turns out it’s been a longstanding tradition in parts of Germany, specifically in Essen for around 130 years, and was something the Nazis tried to repress and probably something that would be seen as abhorrent if brought to the British isles - I’m well aware of the prudishness of my home country.

Looking back, I’m reflecting now how my personal affinity with nudism may very well have been inspired by this city.

I’ve been going to naked saunas for as many years as I’ve been visiting Berlin back in 2014, and have since gone to:

• nudist beaches,

• modelled for life drawing classes,

• done naked photoshoots,

• attended naked speed dating,

• and joined the Naked Bike Ride in Brighton in 2017 – I even made it into the local newspaper with “TITS FOR CORBZ” :’) written with lipstick on my chest.

And since arriving in Berlin I’ve been to a Liquid Love, the Naked Tea Party, and a naked sauna. At the Liquid Love event I got to witness so many body shapes and sizes, listen to the limiting beliefs people wanted to shed while throwing their clothing away. We rolled around in warm liquid feeling and sensing each other’s beautiful bodies.

(^ Here’s a video of me explaining what Liquid Love is back in 2018 - it’s a bloody lovely event.)

At the Naked Tea Party I got to dance to my heart’s content naked on the dance floor while the tea fairies poured me every type of herbal tea you could possibly imagine. My idea of literal heaven.

And of course, the naked saunas are a must if you ever visit. They really know what they are doing here - with body scrubs, professional hot air whippers (that’s Aufgus for the pros), magnesium salt baths, and ice cold plunge pools. Everyone is naked and people are barely batting an eyelid at each other.

It’s just so. NORMAL.

Body shame to body neutrality

There’s something so liberating about being in your birthday suit, the way God intended. And yet, I totally get the fear of doing it. So many of us are brought up with horrific body shaming messages, that we inevitably internalise and turn into this need to control our diets and influence how we dress, impacting the relationships we have with ourselves and each other.

I remember going to the wonderful Body Love Sketch Club workshops during lockdown, a body-positive/body-neutral space for life-drawing with the option to model! In these spaces the beautiful hosts Ruby Rare and Rosy Pendlebaby would reference a study by Keon West, I Feel Better Naked: Communal Naked Activity Increases Body Appreciation by Reducing Social Physique Anxiety.

And it’s so true. The more naked spaces I attended, the less I associated bodies with needing to be these “perfect sexual objects otherwise they are not worthy of love”, and the more I felt at peace with my ever-changing body - with all of it’s lumps and curves, hairs, and blemishes.

I’ve worked with many Sensual Intimacy clients who have come to me with their issues around sex and relationships, and often body image comes up as a topic of shame - a barrier for experiencing the sex and love life they desire.

I often mention the concept of body neutrality as a “way in” for people who are struggling to celebrate their body - by offering a neutral tone when we talk about or think about our bodies. For example, some days we may feel more cute in our bodies and other days might notice a part we really don’t like. Neutrality allows us to just see these positives and negatives as part of the journey of self-acceptance, rather than letting them rule us, or define how we feel about ourselves.

Body shame is often rooted in ideas around gender and what it means to have the “perfect feminine or masculine body” - whether that be hairless/hairy, small/big genitals, slender/muscular frame. I wrote about how enforced gender rules are hurting us all, it’s typically just trans people who are the most honest about it. Just think for a moment about how many cis people get gender affirming surgeries!

You can have a read of my interview I did back in 2021 Body Dialogues: Trans comfort and writing into pleasure with Juno Roche who explains this idea with much more wisdom and depth.

Befriending the body

I’d be curious for you to investigate your own relationship with your own body and other people’s bodies. Here are a few journaling prompts:

1. What messages were you taught about your body growing up?

2. What kinds of things to think about your body?

3. How do you speak to your body?

4. When was the last time you looked at your naked body in front of a mirror?

5. How do you feel about being naked alone?

6. How do you feel about being naked in front of someone else?

7. How do you feel about seeing someone else’s naked body?

8. Name 3 body parts you aren’t so fond of…

9. Name 3 body parts you quite like…

10. Write a love letter to each of those parts…

Message me the world GENITALS below and I’ll DM you a free Genital-to-Heart meditation that has helped me and many of my clients:

As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts about this topic! Let’s keep the conversation going, so I encourage you to leave a comment, like, share with someone you think might benefit from this.

Unfortunately I am fully at capacity with clients! However, if you feel like you need additional support, I’d still recommend booking in a 15-mins intro call to see if or how I can support you - perhaps we can work together in the future, or I can refer you on to some of my wonderful sex-positive coaching peers.

Now, let me leave you with the song that’s been on my mind since I started writing this lol.

Thank you for reading ‘Pleasure Anxiously’. As a brief reminder, here are some of the offerings & treats I have for you at the moment:

☎️ 1:1 sensual intimacy coaching - book a 15-mins free intro chat to see how I can support you

🖐️ 5 steps for sexual happiness ebook - download pleasure-based practices in my mini-ebook

📹 Rediscover sex & love webinar - 45-mins video to help you create the intimacy you desire

🌷 Regrowth ritual - audio guide to cultivate the garden of your sexuality

💓 Heart expansion meditation - audio guide to open you up to love

💸 Upgrade your substack subscription - for as little as £3.99 a month or £40 for the year (every little helps 🤗)

As an experiment, I’d like invite you to forget everything you think you know about how to have sex. Bear with me.

When we focus so much on the “how”, we might lose sight of our motivation behind what we are doing.

The how often pertains to the mechanics of sex, the “what body part should go where?”, the “when should I change positions”, and the “who should initiate first?”

If you find yourself in your head a lot during sex, or worrying about the next time it’s going to happen, discovering your erotic values can be a great way to invite more contextual cues to help you let go and ease into intimacy without it feeling so challenging… Fuck the “shoulds” basically.

Our personal “whys” can, in turn, inform and inspire our hows.

This practice of being intentional with your sex life and investigating your raison d’être can also support people who are struggling with mismatched libidos.

1. by delving into our motivations for desire

2. helping us create authentic contexts for informing the “how”

3. aligning with our partner’s wants

Why is sex important to us?

When we think about what makes good sex, one study found 3 dimensions of the depth of involvement in human sexual response:

1. personal engagement - we want to connect

2. transcendent experience - we want to feel pleasure

3. role enactment - we want to be creative

Another study found that there were 237 Reasons to Have Sex. This is a study I often quote with my clients before getting them to think of their own - to which some are stumped to find they had never really given it much thought aside from “to be normal” or “because I was horny”. However, this extensive (but not exclusive) list includes anything from:

1. I was ‘‘in the heat of the moment.’’

2. It just happened.

3. I was bored.

4. It just seemed like ‘‘the thing to do.”

To:

42. I was curious about sex.

43. I wanted to feel attractive.

44. I wanted to please my partner.

45. I wanted to display my submission.

You can start to see how the reasons can become endless and expansive, and I’d recommend checking out the full list just to see if any resonate or if you feel completely separate from them.

Mapping your erotic values

Inspired by sexologist, Cyndi Darnell, there is a gorgeous exercise around mapping your erotic values that can help us dive deeper into our authentic erotic motivations.

EXERCISE:

Read more

No matter how good the toy is, there’s something about using my hands that’s just so simply erotic…

While there are many incredible toys out there, and finding the right tool for you can seriously enhance the experience of pleasure, I still love my trusty hands.

I want to preframe this piece by saying: that there’s no shame in preferring electric over acoustic, automatic over manual; this is simply just my personal preference and is one I would also encourage anyone to explore and examine rather than falling into the trap of expectation.

That “expectation” was something that I used to fall into. For years I knew that my bullet vibe was up for the job, with no complaints (except a dying battery from time to time), and helped me finish quickly and efficiently. And therefore, I could “win” the game of mast*rbation.

However, when I went through a period of “losing my orgasm”, something I’ve written about previously here in my articles: Happiness or sex: What would you choose? and Redefining orgasm: A new approach to self-pleasure, vibrators didn’t quite cut it like they used to.

There was a frustrating urge to finish quickly and efficiently, and yet, my body was resistant. The sensations weren’t giving, and my gasm was seemingly nowhere to be found.

Around this time I was learning what it meant to be a sensual being. I was opening my mind up to new ways of exploring my sexuality through the senses and through mindful self-touch.

Even though this content is not behind a paywall, I want to share that it takes time and energy to create and upload the content that I create, do please consider becoming a paid subscriber of ‘Pleasure Anxiously’ for as little as £3.99 a month to support my work.

Subscribe now

A quick rewind in time

Flashback to my pre-toy days, as an early teen, I was obsessed with manual mast*rbation. To the point where I genuinely thought I was addicted. Scary times. Especially being a girl, there’s sooo much to be said about the shame and lack of education or positive narratives for female sexuality (something I wrote about here: Sensual self-touch: Why is a m*sturbation circle so shameful?)

I remember lying awake after just judging myself with negative thoughts of pure disgust and disdain. And yet… my hands couldn’t stop reaching for that pleasure zone.

My first intro to sex toys

Bearing in mind my first sex toy was a chunky rabbit-style toy that my first proper boyfriend bought me. The “rabbit ears” was actually a dolphin that would stimulate the clitoris, while the main part was a thick dildo that made terrifying electronic sounds when turned on. Early on I found that my body preferred just the dolphin part, but only now do I understand that my body needs to be ready (already aroused) and consenting for anything to go inside it! The vagina is so wise, and it’s important we listen to its “yes” and “nos”.

I also recall buying my first bullet vibrator that was shaped like a butterfly during my year abroad in Amsterdam and was thrilled by the broad sensation of the wings.

Only in recent years, did I learn that a third of people prefer indirect clit stimulation, while two-thirds like direct. Hence why I reckon I loved my butterfly even more than the dolphin’s pointy beak!

Building my (extensive) toy collection

As I began to work in the sex tech industry, I was being exposed to so many new toys and tools that opened me up to whole new worlds of pleasure.

My first official job after uni was at a vibrator company, MysteryVibe, and since then I have collaborated with a range of other toy brands such as Je Joue, Lovehoney, Wisp, Sh! Women’s Emporium, Clone-a-Willy + Clone-a-Pussy, HANX, Hot Octopuss, Ann Summers, and many more, as well as writing and reviewing sex tech for the online magazine SEXTECHGUIDE. Here are just a small selection of my reviews from over the years:

• Pink Punch Peachu Suction Toy

• Pink Punch Sunset Mushroom Vibe

• Womanizer OG Clit & G-Spot Toy

• Lelo Dot Clit Oscillation Vibe

• Ruby Glow Blush Saddle Wand

• Lovense Tenara 2 Clit Sucker

• Vibes Only Analise Butt Vibe

• Foxy by OhMiBod Panty Vibe

It’s safe to say, I can’t remember the last time I actually bought a toy - and I have zero clue how many toys I actually own (many unused have been given away in competitions or at workshops or as gifts for friends). So I’ve been incredibly lucky to have been given so many toys for free and, of course, I love sharing the love.

A case for the toys

What I didn’t realise was that in reviewing all of these toys, I was on the path of educating others as well as myself about what pleasure our bodies are capable of.

• I learnt how to listen to my body before introducing a toy to it.

• I learnt that building sensation can help create longer and stronger orgasms and even help with squirting.

• I learnt that combining internal and external stimulation can trigger blended orgasms.

• I learnt that using a butt plug or a glass wand can offer new sensations during climactic pelvic floor contractions.

• I learnt that using toys with a partner can add novelty and excitement as well as open up new conversations around mutual pleasure.

• I learnt that long-distance sex could be even more fun with remote toys (though connectivity-dependent, it might have adverse effects).

And I’m continuing to learn. This is the joy of our pleasure journey, it’s forever fluctuating, growing, shifting, changing.

It might also be worth adding here, that many of my clients either come to me because they’ve never had an orgasm (and when I recommend a suction toy - they can), or they feel like they are unable to touch themselves without a toy, which is also totally okay! Whether it’s to do with a mental or emotional block, or a fear around the absence of orgasm without it, please know that you are normal, and you are not broken.

I know there is a lot of fear and misinformation on the internet around sex toy addiction or “dead vagina syndrome” and I actually wrote about debunking those myths here: Vibrator myths debunked: addiction, desensitisation and anorgasmia.

Not to mention, buying the right kind of toy for your boy is essential: Rumbly vs buzzy vibrators: What’s the difference and how do you tell them apart?

Back to the topic at hand…

So despite all of this gorgeous learning that can come from toys. Why do I still prefer my hands? Well if you think about it, the hands are incredible tools that have actually been developed over hundreds of thousands of years.

They have the ability to feel, to sense, to heat, to cool, to inflict pain, to arouse sensation, to give, to receive. Wow. They are literally trying to invent these in the sex robot world with the latest robotics and skin technology and we already have these great tools at our fingertips.

As I have developed my Sensual Intimacy Coaching practice, I’m constantly looking for new ways to teach people about their pleasure from a mindful perspective, because this is where we can expand our experience.

Betty Martin is one of my greatest inspirations as an intimacy coach, in particular her practice of Waking Up the Hands, has been a total game changer for my own pleasure and many of my clients.

This is also something we teach people in our Sensual Self-Touch workshops alongside Somatic Sexologist Valentine Bordet. Our next event Exploring Your Edges & Playing With Pleasure is on the 2nd March 2025, grab your ticket while you can!

Workshop Tickets Here

There’s something so delicious about being present to giving myself touch, bringing awareness to receiving that touch, as well as incorporating the erotic mind whereby I can fantasise that my hands are someone else’s hands, or my body is someone else’s body (perks of being into all genital configurations I guess lol), and noticing how my body wants to touch and be touched from moment to moment.

This kind of awareness has helped me build confidence around my pleasure and being able to communicate that to partners!

So, again ZERO shame if you prefer toys, but maybe once in a while you might want to give the batteries a rest, and see what happens when you bring your hands into the fold.

Equally, if you’re a handy-girly like me, it’s also worth giving those fingers some respite, and charge up your toys! The point I really want to emphasise is that there is pleasure to be had with diverse sensations - by doing this we can rewire our neural pathways in our brain and this is how we expand our capacity for more pleasure.

Give it a go and let me know what you think! If you’re also looking for additional support and resources check out the links below.

Thank you for reading ‘Pleasure Anxiously’. As a brief reminder, here are some of the offerings & treats I have for you at the moment:

☎️ 1:1 sensual intimacy coaching - book a 15-mins free intro chat to see how I can support you

💕 Sensual self-touch workshop - explore your edges & play with pleasure on March 2nd 2025

🖐️ 5 steps for sexual happiness ebook - download pleasure-based practices in my mini-ebook

📹 Rediscover sex & love webinar - 45-mins video to help you create the intimacy you desire

🌷 Regrowth ritual - audio guide to cultivate the garden of your sexuality

💓 Heart expansion meditation - audio guide to open you up to love

💸 Upgrade your substack subscription - for as little as £3.99 a month or £40 for the year (every little helps 🤗)

Happy New Year my lovely anxious pleasure seekers!

As we transition into this new chapter (if the calendar year resonates with you), I’m curious about what it is that you want to feel in your relationships this year. And what have you learned from past relationships that you want to let go of and take forward with you?

Because, let’s be honest, humans can be incredibly messy, and yet, we still put so much pressure on ourselves to appear perfect.

I love this song by Lola Young, which has been a great reminder of radical self-acceptance, despite feeling like we aren’t good enough (whether that’s a belief learnt from a nasty ex or from our social conditioning)!

“Cause I'm too messy and then I'm too fucking clean” just reminds me we can never be this “perfect person” for anyone, we can only strive to be our full authentic MESSY selves.

I mean, I can really only speak for myself, but does anyone else out there find relationships really hard? I count myself very lucky that I’ve met some incredible teachers and guides over the years that have helped me with this area of my life, and it’s one of the reasons why I do what I do as an Intimacy Coach!

In fact, I entered 2025 at a gorgeous retreat, with 17 other queer humans, ecstatically dancing, setting intentions, country walks, and breathwork for letting go. It was here that I was deeply reminded of who I am. At my core. I was able to release some of the rubbish that was clouding my vision, especially after bumping into my ex a few weeks before, and just a lot of self-doubt and self-criticism that built up from the past year.

While many previous new year’s have been spent black out drunk, waking up the next day with pangs of regret and regrettable messages – this new year, I felt nourished and settled… plus having not been on my phone for two whole days!

So I’m incredibly grateful to have been held by a community of intentional relationships.

Conflict is inevitable

One of my patterns is conflict avoidance. If I could just avoid the messiness, I wouldn’t have to deal with people not liking me. This avoidance feeds my limiting belief that I’m not likeable unless I work for it, unless I prove myself as easy-going.

And yet, more often than not, I find myself turning whatever conflict is in front of me inwards; a battle bubbling up inside of me. “If only they didn’t say that mean thing, I would have had a good day, they’re such an asshole”, or, “I wish I hadn’t let them push me around like that, I’m such a pathetic loser.”

Can you relate?

Leave a comment

Unsure what to do with this frustrating energy, it can come bursting out in unexpected ways such as passive aggression, or burn out and isolation. Neither that great for cultivating healthy relationships.

Over the years, I’ve experienced lifelong friendship breakups, group friendship breakdowns, heartbreaking romantic endings, and familial conflict. I’m sure we can all relate to at least some of these relational situations.

And while I could sit on my high horse and point the finger at everyone else’s faults for these, there’s such an unspeakable truth, we all play a part in the cycle of harm. At some point in our lives, we will cause harm as well as be a victim of harm. Not to justify harm in any way, but once we embrace this idea, there comes a sense of relief… of compassion.

For example, last year I felt increasingly irritable at an *unnamed person* in my life for making an unwanted comment about my relationship and felt my emotions were dismissed. Over time, a resentment built up inside me and I could feel myself pulling away. With a close friend holding me accountable, I knew a conversation was needed. It was SO hard. But SO worthwhile.

After expressing my feelings, I now feel so much closer to this person as they got to know me and my needs better.

Allowing for the mess

While our so-called “negative” feelings may be that of anger, guilt, shame, even disgust – it’s important to remember that it’s not the feelings that are the problem, but how we respond to those feelings that typically keep us stuck and spiralling. I.e. the feeling of shame for feeling shame, or the feeling of anger for feeling angry.

It’s about time that we as a society let ourselves feel all the feels and let go of striving for perfection. When we strive for perfection, we tend to miss out on the opportunity for learning and growth, only to make the same mistakes over and over again. This does take practice though, and with more evidence of resolving conflict (bear in mind, this only works with people who respect our boundaries) it really does get easier.

PSA: If someone doesn’t feel safe to express your feelings or your boundaries to, then it’s okay to walk away!

No matter how much “healing” we might do on our own in isolation, when we are triggered in relationships we can become fallible creatures who will inevitably make mistakes, and this will, yes, create conflict.

Often conflict arises when we haven’t been clear about our boundaries. Ugh (eye roll) boundaries, I know. I wrote about this previously in my piece Boundaries for Better Confidence: The Art of Saying Yes To Yourself, but it is something I encourage us to constantly and continuously work on.

Remember: Conflict is going to be uncomfortable. It’s going to be complicated. But my question to you is – would you rather people know you authentically? Or live in a false sense of safety that constricts your full potential for connection.

A little life hack, the more in tune I am becoming with my soma (Greek term for 'the body living in its wholeness') the more I am aligning my feelings with my actions.

Somatic journaling questions for relational accountability

1. Write down a time where there was conflict with another person

2. Recall what was happening around you; sights, sounds, texture, smells, tastes

3. How did this conflict feel in your body; where feels constricted, where feels open?

4. If that constriction had a message for you, what would it say?

5. If that openness had a message for you, what would it say?

6. What is one thing you could learn from this conflict for future relationships?

7. What type of connections do you want to create?

8. What is one thing you will do to hold yourself accountable?

9. Who is one person who will help hold you accountable?

These questions can be useful for sifting through the internal messiness. When we feel mentally unclear and emotionally dysregulated, it can be difficult to see the conflict for what it really is and how we can grow from each experience we encounter.

Authentic vulnerability

If people don’t know you, the real you, then how can we ever expect them to understand or relate to you.

Authentic vulnerability (being honest about how I am feeling even if it feels hard) is something I am working on in my own relationships, to ensure a sense of depth and safety in the connections I am forming and continue to nurture. This needs to allow for the messiness, the fuck-ups, the opportunities for conflict and resolution that doesn’t need to be rushed nor swept under the rug.

How do we do this? I mean, I’m not here to tell you exactly “how”, but perhaps inspire the what and the why. What can be useful is realigning with our values:

• What type of person do you want to be known for?

• What type of connections do you want to create?

• What types of people do you want to attract?

While we are not responsible for other people’s emotions, we are responsible for how we show up in relationships and how we stay true to ourselves through the process.

So let go of perfectionism. Let go of the need to get it right all the time. And embrace the messiness of relationships. Take each conflict as a chance to learn something new about yourself, to recenter you in the relationships you want to be in and communities you want to be part of.

Are you willing to tolerate the consequences of keeping yourself small, constricted, inauthentic? Or are you curious about opening up to your vulnerabilities through authentic expression and seeing what magic that can bring?

If you are needing additional support, check out some of the resources below including the Heart Expansion Meditation, or consider booking a discovery call with me to see if or how I can best support you through the mess.

Sending sensual love and intimate care your way x

Thank you for reading ‘Pleasure Anxiously’. As a brief reminder, here are some of the offerings & treats I have for you at the moment:

☎️ 1:1 sensual intimacy coaching - book a 15-mins free intro chat to see how I can support you

💓 Heart expansion meditation - audio guide to open you up to love

🖐️ 5 steps for sexual happiness ebook - download pleasure-based practices in my mini-ebook

📹 Rediscover sex & love webinar - 45-mins video to help you create the intimacy you desire

🌷 Regrowth ritual - audio guide to cultivate the garden of your sexuality

💸 Upgrade your Substack subscription - for as little as £3.99 a month or £40 for the year (every little helps 🤗)

For years, I struggled to understand why I felt tense, frustrated, or overwhelmed, when people were asking things of me. Even though I appeared all smiles on the outside, my insides twisted in knots.

I’d think, “There must be something wrong with me.” Instead of holding myself with compassion, I tried to become more likeable, hoping that the more I controlled the external, the more it would ease the internal discomfort.

And yet, little did I know, I was becoming porous. A pretzel - bent into whatever shape someone wanted me in. A robot - programmed to neglect my desires, and abandon my needs, all in the aim of appeasing and pleasing others.

Until. Flop. Snap. Malfunction.

I’d reach my limits. Beyond what I was capable of giving. Anxiety, burnout, angry outbursts. To the point that I had to seriously reconsider how I was living my life… which was apparently on everyone else’s terms, leaving me feeling low in confidence, and low in self-esteem.

What I began to learn was that I needed boundaries.

But what the hell is a boundary? And how do I begin to go about putting them into practice?

Even though this content is not behind a paywall, I want to share that it takes time and energy to create and upload the content that I create, do please consider becoming a paid subscriber of ‘Pleasure Anxiously’ for as little as £3.99 a month to support my work.

Subscribe now

What are boundaries?

Often boundaries can feel quite abstract, but over the years I’ve come across a few lovely quotes that have helped me understand them more.

“A boundary is the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously” - Prentis Hemphill.

I love this idea as I can fully visualise the space between myself and others, and start to practically develop a sense of what creating a boundary entails: a sense of self-love; a sense that I also matter when I’m making decisions.

“When you are saying ‘yes’ to others, make sure you are not saying ‘no’ to yourself” - Paul Coelho

The art of saying no, really is just that. An art. A creative skill we can develop and build on. But saying no when we haven’t practised can be messy, and we won’t always be perfect in our execution.

While saying no may come more easily to some (and I am forever inspired by those people), for people like me, it may just take a bit longer to set those authentic and healthy boundaries in the way we’d like to.

Using visualisation practices we can imagine scenarios and discern what might feel like stretching beyond our capacity. For example: resentment, overwhelm, or exhaustion. And in the body that might feel like a tension, a closing, or tightness.

The art of saying yes to yourself is like building a structure around yourself, the container or domain of what you like, want, need, and desire. To affirm this container, we need to be confident about what our likes and dislikes are; our turn-ons and turn-offs; what we want or are willing to do and what we are tolerating or enduring.

The curse of being the “yes man”

So, this brings us to the festive holiday season - also known as the season of giving, and more often than not: over-giving. It’s even more essential during this time that we practice giving to ourselves too! Even when it’s hard. Nay, especially when it’s hard.

Saying yes to all the fun things may bring new and exciting experiences in life… like saying yes to all of the Christmas parties, all of the family events, all of the mince pies, and all of the Baileys (yumyumyum).

We also need to find a balance of saying no to the things we don’t want, as saying yes to everything can inhibit us from prioritising the things we want to say yes to.

While saying no to things might leave us feeling like we are missing out on life, being unable to say yes to what we want can lead us to miss out on truly important things.

The sxc perks of saying yes to yourself

And this can be true in relationships and sex too! If we are just saying yes to people or experiences that don’t truly align with our values or desires, we might be missing out on the intimacy that will fulfil and nourish our souls.

One study found that women who scored high on assertiveness were found to be more satisfied sexually. And it makes sense.

One of my favourite analogies is to imagine you have two people engaging in sex, and yet neither person knows what they want for themselves, but just says yes to whatever the other person is trying… You potentially end up with two people performing pleasure.

Compared to two people who are:

• informed in their desires,

• clear about their boundaries,

• able to communicate their needs,

• able to negotiate,

• and able to receive a no.

I’d say this pair would likely have a lot more fun.

“But how do you know what you do want?” I hear you ask. And yes, I find this question so valid. How can we make the right choice for ourselves, let alone communicate our desires, when we don’t even know what we want or like?

Making better decisions

Whether it’s in bed or in your everyday life, making decisions can be made a whole lot easier once we get clear on our values and our “whys”.

Decision-making becomes easier when we clarify our values and desired outcomes. For instance, if your weekend goal is to feel rested rather than adventurous, saying no to a late-night club outing aligns better with your value of stability.

However, this can get complicated if we have conflicting values, so it’s important to understand how you prioritise them.

While consent frameworks often espouse “enthusiasm” as the mediator for a consensual sexual experience, that’s just not the case for a lot of us, and our ‘yes’ may vary in emotion but can still be consensual.

I help my clients to discern a “wanting and excited” yes from a “willing”, “curious”, or “tolerating” yes through an embodied practice of sitting with your feelings. This spectrum of consent can help us to feel less shame around our mixed feelings when being asked to do or give something.

What this framework also offers, is an opportunity for us to pause and consider what the conflicting messages our body is telling us and how to navigate making better decisions.

Whether that is asking for more time to consider the options, negotiating or adjusting the offer, or clearly stating a “no” this isn’t for me, or at least a “not right now”.

A life-long practice

While I’m now so much more in tune with my body than I was a few years ago, I’m by no means perfect!

I can now notice subtle feelings of resentment or beginnings of overwhelm and burnout when someone is asking something from me, but it still takes a lot for me to clearly state my ‘no’ in the moment.

However, I am increasingly aware of when my ‘yeses’ might be crossing over into a “tolerating” or “enduring” yes, and so much better at taking a pause, asking for more time, and telling people I’m at my capacity.

So, I’d love to know, are you someone who needs support with making commitments to themselves and asking for things they need?

If you are finding yourself:

• Feeling resentful when people are asking you for things

• Struggle to say no to what you don’t want

• Missing out on saying yes to things you do want

• Unsure what you want in the bedroom, let alone how to communicate it

• Find relationships difficult, whether that’s with yourself, your friends, family, or partners

Together, we can:

• Discover your authentic values and their empowered ‘whys’

• Discover your emotional capacity for what you’re willing to accept

• Learn how to practice internal boundary setting on a full-bodied level

• Learn how to make gentle but firm requests to build self-confidence

If this sounds like you, book a 15-minute introductory call to 1:1 Sensual Intimacy Coaching and let’s see if or how I can best support you!

Let's chat

Thank you for reading ‘Pleasure Anxiously’. As a brief reminder, here are some of the offerings & treats I have for you at the moment:

☎️ 1:1 sensual intimacy coaching - book a 15-mins free intro chat to see how I can support you

🖐️ 5 steps for sexual happiness ebook - download pleasure-based practices in my mini-ebook

📹 Rediscover sex & love webinar - 45-mins video to help you create the intimacy you desire

🌷 Regrowth ritual - audio guide to cultivate the garden of your sexuality

💓 Heart expansion meditation - audio guide to open you up to love

💸 Upgrade your substack subscription - for as little as £3.99 a month or £40 for the year (every little helps 🤗)

This year, my friend and somatic sexologist, Valentine Bordet and I decided to host masturbation circles together. We knew how controversial this might be and thanks to the well-known online censorship that we knew we would face, we had to be creative with the title… hence “Sensual Self-Touch”, lol.

So since April 2024, we’ve been holding Sensual Self-Touch workshops, a mindful body and vulv3 exploration. 

On 1st December will be our third iteration, and yet, we are still faced with so much difficulty with getting the word out there. Why? Well, shame will do that. 

Instagram will hide our posts, and who knows how many will receive this in their spam! I’ve been shadow banned on social media countless times for post educational content, and my IG account was even deleted a year ago.

Yet, I remain determined to continue sharing this information. I had a client this week who was from the US, and felt called to share that doing this work felt radical and more political than ever. Our bodily autonomy is being threatened by the top, and it’s essential we take agency and control over our pleasure.

So… if you feel called to liberating yourself from the shame and embark on sexual self-empowerment with a bunch of other curious people, or if you know someone who might benefit from this experience, use the code YAY for 10% off and get your ticket now:

Get your ticket

Equally, if you don’t feel ready to attend one of these, or want to learn more about this topic, see the links at the bottom. It’s super important to grow at your own pace, and build a sense of trust. Or, if you want to explore these topics in a 1:1 setting, I have a couple of coaching slots left before the end of the year.

Book a 15-mins free intro call

Teenage dreams were made of nightmares 

I don’t know about you, but when I was growing up we were privy to “soggy biscuit” rumours, where boys would gather in a circle and the last one to ejaculate on the biscuit had to eat it. Whether this happened or not, the conversation around male masturbation was rife. It was a given. It was something that boys just had to do. 

However when I was exploring my own self-pleasure as a teenager, there was no one talking about it in my circle of friends. Maybe one or two would outwardly express that they’ve watched porn, and you’d hear rumours of someone humping a pillow. Yet, it was so riddled with shame and secrecy. 

I remember lying in my bed enjoying touching myself, but once I reached climax, a wave of disgust, shame, fear, self-loathing washed over me. I thought “there’s something wrong with me,” “I shouldn’t be doing this,” “am I doing it too much?” “am I doing it wrong?”

Years later, I’m now a Sensual Intimacy Coach, and faced with clients of all ages who go through similar and other fears around self-pleasure. Predominantly, not feeling like it’s important, it’s frivolous, or downright uncouth … yet, if you dig a few layers deeper, it’s usually a feeling of unworthiness around receiving pleasure, or a sense of disgust towards their own body and genitals. 

Good shame versus bad shame

I believe there is a place for shame in our society, it can take the form of keeping us in community and a sense of belonging when it’s coated in love and care, i.e. it’s shameful to masturbate in public without the consent of passersby. Healthy shame can guide us toward positive relationships with ourselves and our communities.

However, when shame becomes toxic, i.e. tells us we are “bad people” for enjoying self-pleasure, there’s a feeling that we will be excluded, isolated, and rejected for expressing our authentic selves.

Studies consistently reveal a significant disparity between men and women when it comes to masturbation, orgasms, and sexual behaviour overall, such as: 

(the following points are taken from article on Mashable written by Mary Morgan)

• “The Sexual Double Standard (SDS) that describes societal gender-based prejudice in which women are judged more harshly than men for engaging in the same sexual behavior.”

• “The masturbation gap between men and women shows that men are more likely to masturbate compared to women 95 to 85 percent respectively in the UK. And weekly masturbation habits in the UK show that 64 percent of men masturbate at least once a week, compared to just 34 percent of women.”  

• “Talking about masturbation is also an issue, whereby 54 percent of men in the UK speak to friends, compared to 37 percent of women. The gap remains regardless of the audience, with men more likely to speak to their partners (65 to 53 percent), family (32 to 17 percent), or online strangers (36 to 16 percent).”

• “And the well-known orgasm gap, that shows heterosexual and bisexual women regularly experiencing orgasm in long-term partnerships only 65% and 66% of the time (respectively), compared to 95% of straight men.” 

Taking baby steps to unlearning shame

Here are some ways you might benefit from unlearning that shame: 

1. Attend a masturbation circle 

2. Work with a sexual wellbeing professional (hi 👋)

3. Talk to your friends about masturbation more

4. Become more intentional with your self-pleasure practice

5. Explore solo-sex aftercare rituals (will share more on this)

6. Leave a comment to share how you might unlearn shame …

Leave a comment

More on the Sensual Self-Touch workshop

• Mashable Article: What happens at a sensual masturbation workshop? Well, it blew my mind.

• Diva Interview: Meet the creators behind London’s new guided self-touch workshop.

• Pleasure Stories:

  • Ep.1 Where did you learn about masturbation?

  • Ep.2 What is your relationship like with your genitals?

  • Ep.3 What is your favourite way to masturbate?

  • Coming soon: Ep.4 What would you like to learn about self-pleasure?

• Masturbation Circle Documentary 

Thank you for reading ‘Pleasure Anxiously’. As a brief reminder, here are some of the offerings & treats I have for you at the moment:

☎️ 1:1 sensual intimacy coaching - book a 15-mins free intro chat to see how I can support you

💕 Sensual self-touch workshop - a guided mindful body & vulva exploration on 1st December

🖐️ 5 steps for sexual happiness ebook - download pleasure-based practices in my mini-ebook

📹 Rediscover sex & love webinar - 45-mins video to help you create the intimacy you desire

🌷 Regrowth ritual - audio guide to cultivate the garden of your sexuality

💓 Heart expansion meditation - audio guide to open you up to love

💸 Upgrade your substack subscription - for as little as £3.99 a month or £40 for the year (every little helps 🤗)

Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. So they say.

As personal and political grief interweave, healing can feel like an ongoing journey, echoing through a process of love, loss, and growing resilience. In the current state of things, I feel it hard to separate my emotions from the very real fact that the world is going through so much turmoil.

Considering how politics has a real impact on our bodies and our relationships, my heavy emotions remind me of the feminist phrase popularised by activist Carol Hanisch in her essay of the same name from 1969, ”the personal is political”.

As I find healing and connection in writing and sharing, one of the reasons I started this blog, I wish to share some healing thoughts that have gotten me through this trying year, in the hope that they will prove valuable for anyone who might be feeling emotional pain in their personal lives, perhaps due to political circumstances.

Even though this content is not behind a paywall, I want to share that it takes time and energy to create and upload the content that I create, do please consider becoming a paid subscriber of ‘Pleasure Anxiously’ for as little as £3.99 a month to support my work.

Subscribe now

For real though, it’s been a minute since I last posted on here, and I have had a wave of new subscribers, so Hello anxious pleasure seekers, and welcome all to this space!

My latest writing pause is mainly because I’ve been away travelling in Italy and Berlin, living my best Euro-vacay life. But, in reality, it’s all been against a backdrop of heartbreak.

Some personal reflections

I do believe there is a difference between privacy and secrecy, and there are some things about my personal life, namely intimate relationships, I choose not share for wanting to maintain a boundary of privacy (this is for me). Yet, I don’t want to feel like I have a “secret” (this is shameful) that I’m going through this difficult transitional phase. There’s no shame in the endings of a relationship.

And yet, toward the end of this relationship, I recall feeling such deep shame around feeling like a “failure”.

As someone who has dedicated their career to being a so-called “expert” in the field of sex, love, and relationships, it was hard to grapple with my perfectionist ego that told me “you are a fraud if this relationship fails.”

In reality… I need to give myself some credit. It’s a strange paradox teaching sensual intimacy while going through your own heartache. What I came to realise is that we’re all on this messy journey together, and the most important thing is not how perfectly we handle it, but how we show up for ourselves and each other in the midsts of it.

What I can celebrate, through all of the hardships, is how powerful it was to have my own back. To hold myself with compassion, especially through the darker days.

From grief to gratitude

I’d like to share some of the known phases and stages of grief that you may or may not find yourself in, once, twice, or over and over again. The main takeaway is a reminder that progress isn’t linear.

So whether you are grieving for the planet under the political state of things, a relationship or loved one, or a dream or hope you had for your future, we all find ourselves embarking on journeys that involve going through the darkness. In the hope that we may come out the other side and into the light.

Healing reminds us: the light and dark will always return in cycles.

In navigating my own heartbreak, I’ve cycled through each of these stages—sometimes even in the space of one day. The 5 stages of grief developed by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969 are:

1. Denial - where we may cling to a false and preferable reality

2. Anger - feelings of frustration and need to blame

3. Bargaining - a state of hope that we can compromise out of the pain

4. Depression - total sense of despair and sullenness

5. Acceptance - a stable condition of embracing the inevitable

I studied Psychology at A-Level and I remember learning about a variety of phases of relationship breakdown. Most of which, I will add, were based on a heteronormative monogamous model of relationships. But here was Ducks phases:

1. Intra-psychic - dissatisfaction in the relationship leads to weighing up the pros and cons

2. Dyadic - discussion of the dissatisfaction with the partner

3. Social - seeking external support from friends and family

4. Grave dressing - a story is constructed to understand and move forward

5. Resurrection - moving beyond pain and into personal growth

While the traditional stages of grief outline the emotional journey, somatic work reminds us that healing is deeply embodied. One framework that has helped me through this process is Kai Cheng Thom’s concept of the ‘healing spiral.’

1. Initial injury & spiritual crisis

2. Stabilisation & grounding

3. Exploration & self-discovery

4. Descent into the underworld

5. Collapse & transformation

6. Embracing the shadow

7. Facing fears/doing the impossible

8. Reconnecting to life

9. Sharing the medicine

10. The next adventure

Where are you on this spiral? Leave a comment, I’d love to hear if this is resonating!

Leave a comment

I find these emotional stages empowering as we become aware of our healing looping back and forth, drifting from pain into pleasure, and back to pain again. Teaching us that our trauma, loss, heartbreak, or whatever has caused you pain, can eventually be transformed.

This can offer space for possibility and growth, if we let it.

MEDITATION EXERCISE

I also want to share a beautiful exercise ‘Grief to Gratitude’. Practising this has been an anchor for me on difficult days, letting me sit with the grief rather than trying to escape it (though escaping it can be very needed at times).

• Start by taking a few deep breaths and ground in the present moment

• If at any point it feels too overwhelming, take a break and do something nice for yourself, like make a cup of tea or go for a walk in nature

• If it feels safe enough to, recall the person, memory, dream, or hope that you feel you have lost and need to grieve

• Notice what physical sensations are coming up in your body without judgement

• Now place a hand over your chest and one on your belly and just allow whatever emotion that is coming up to come up

• Let yourself breathe through, and even guide the emotion up and out by brushing the energy upwards over your body and out of your throat

• Allow the emotion to process through deeper breaths, letting go of whatever needs to be released

• Recalling the person, memory, dream in your mind’s eye, and take a moment to notice how far away it feels from you? And how bright or dim is the vision?

• Just imagine you are bringing the person, memory, dream, or hope closer to you, dialling up the brightness, and calling it into your heart

• And just rest, and let it all be.

A collective chance for resurrection

What I believe we all need, now more than ever, is a strong sense of community. In this journey of healing, finding where that we belong within ourselves can help us find belonging with each other. I feel that our stories of love, loss, and resilience, remind us that we’re not alone.

The process of rebuilding takes brave steps, which may include following our passions, setting healthy boundaries, and practising radical self-acceptance—especially when it comes to the darker, more difficult parts of our journey.

Ultimately, healing is both personal and collective. We heal not just for ourselves, but for each other, knowing that this commitment to hope, love, and community, is a political act of resistance.

Thank you for reading ‘Pleasure Anxiously’. As a brief reminder, here are some of the offerings & treats I have for you at the moment:

☎️ 1:1 sensual intimacy coaching - book a 15-mins free intro chat to see how I can support you

💕 Sensual self-touch workshop - a guided mindful body & vulva exploration on 1st December

🖐️ 5 steps for sexual happiness ebook - download pleasure-based practices in my mini-ebook

📹 Rediscover sex & love webinar - 45-mins video to help you create the intimacy you desire

🌷 Regrowth ritual - audio guide to cultivate the garden of your sexuality

💓 Heart expansion meditation - audio guide to open you up to love

💸 Upgrade your substack subscription - for as little as £3.99 a month (every little helps 🤗)

How connected do you feel to the rhythms and cycles of your body? When it comes to our health, whether that be physical, mental, emotional, or sexual, being in touch with our inner world is an essential key to our intimacy wellbeing.

This is why, this month, I’ve partnered with Menstrual Health Coach and Berlin-based friend, Danielle Keiser, to learn, collaborate, and share key wisdoms on the topic of Cycle-Conscious Sex + Pleasure.

We will be hosting two workshops:

• Online on 23rd October, so you can tune in from anywhere – plus all ticket holders will receive the recording

• In Berlin on the 24th October for an in-person interactive workshop

Make sure you read to the end for a cheeky little discount code!

Even though this content is not behind a paywall, I want to share that it takes time and energy to create and upload the content that I create, do please consider becoming a paid subscriber of ‘Pleasure Anxiously’ for as little as £3.99 a month to support my work.

Subscribe now

I used to feel disconnected from my body, especially during challenging times. But learning to track my cycles transformed how I approach pleasure. I find the more information I collect about my body and its patterns, the more informed my decisions become in regards to my intimacy.

This week I’m writing to you from the beautiful hills of Tuscany, and I’ve found mood tracking and cycle tracking has been even more essential to not only witness the ebbs and flows of my capacity for connection, but to make more active choices to enhance my experience of pleasure while traveling.

Whether it’s through an app or journaling, meditations or self-pleasure, I value self-check ins and self-care as ways into reconnecting to myself and others.

Some apps I’ve been enjoying recently

Daylio for mood tracking

Earlier this year, I went through a really challenging period emotionally, and a friend recommended the Daylio App for keeping tabs on my mood. Since July, each day at 8pm I have been inputting my general mood from the day.

I select some of the emotions I felt throughout the day, how my sleep was the night before, things I did for my health and wellbeing, any hobbies I did, the types of food I ate, whether I drank alcohol, as well as my productivity levels, chores, and goals achieved.

For example you might have a goal to meditate everyday, or set firmer boundaries.

You can also edit and add your own intimacy elements, such as “orgasm” or “flirting” to see how this impacts your mood or how your mood impacts your desire to engage in such activities.

This is a simple activity that takes me less than 2 minutes to fill in, and offers a reflective pause at the end of my day.

You can also add a selection of photos from the day, and it’s been incredibly impactful for looking back at how the last few months have gone, and as a way of encouraging me to take charge of my day.

For example, if I’ve had a bad sleep, I increasingly intuitively think about what some of the hobbies or activities that might help make the day less “awful”, such as taking a nap, or going for a swim.

Over the course of a month, often due to my period cycle, I’m used to having not-so-great days, yet they still take me by surprise. This exercise has offered self-compassion in that I can visually see on the graphs that good days have come and good days will come.

Self-intimacy is finding what works for you, and I’m all for paying for something that really helps, so it’s always nice when an app gives you a free trial.

Daylio has a free version and a premium version that offers a seven-day free trial and costs $4.99 monthly or $35.99 annually. (This is not an ad)

Stardust for menstrual tracking

Tracking the menstrual cycle has been such an important part of connecting to myself and my body. Simply knowing what day I am on, can be such a powerful indicator for how present I am, how much energy I have, and what type of pleasure I might want to explore.

Over the years, I have used a variety of apps. Starting with the German-based app Clue! Which I used for years. I remember in the early days, you could add friends and compare your cycles (and see if you’re in sync).

Then, for some reason - I think for its continually hiding features behind a paywall - about a year ago I made the transition to Flo. Which offers a whole pleasure campaign with queer sex therapist Casey Tanner, and has an AI chat function to help you understand why your body might be doing certain things.

However, more recently, I came to discover that Flo is founded by an all male team. I also became frustrated with the off suggestions and push-notifications that felt off.

Not only that, but in the wake of Roe V Wade, and the threat of apps sharing our intimate data with third parties during such a turbulent era. There is the very real fear that inputting “unprotected sex” and a missed period could be used against us (at least currently over in US) if someone was accused of having an abortion.

Even though the app added an “anonymous mode” feature, earlier this year “Flo Health admitted it had sent users' private information about their periods and pregnancies to data analytics divisions of Google, Facebook and two other firms.”

Hmmm...

Across my social media feed and in conversation with friends, I observed a desire for something different. Something better.

Sex-positive educator Poppy, was posting a series of stories exactly on this and shared an app called Stardust, which I’ve been trying out.

The app shares that it’s a “women-owned period tracker founded on a belief in freedom of choice and freedom of privacy. We have encrypted your information to ensure that no governments or companies will ever access data that belongs to you and you alone, right now and in the future. Hands off our bodies; hands off our data.”

I personally love the user experience, and the connection it makes to the cycle of the moon. I’m still exploring many of its features, but so far, the insights, information, and holistic perspectives (with elements including: mind, body, diet, sex, folklore and more) give me a good feeling.

Instead of telling me how I am feeling (like I found Flo did), the app says “every symptom is a clue” that encourages independent investigation using the app's invitation to “go deeper”.

On my personal page, the app tells me my “cycle type” is the “Pink Moon Witch” whereby I am in sync with the waxing moon and this type is “historically linked to life transitions toward leadership and power.” It’s the perfect app for horoscope fans and plus you can add your friends' or partner’s cycles too!

Like many apps, it’s free to download, $2.99/week for all access, $3.99/month, or $24.99/year.

Keeping a pleasure diary

You don’t need an app to keep the score, but a simple daily journal that reflects on your experience of pleasure from day to day. I find gratitude lists incredibly resourceful when I’m feeling a little lost or disconnected.

And similarly, a simple pleasure diary can help to encourage us to stay on the lookout for moments of pleasure; whatever pleasure means to you.

JOURNALING EXERCISE

At the end of each day you could try answering some of the following questions:

1. What types of pleasure did I experience today? I.e. physical, emotional, mental, social, environmental, sensual

2. What moments of pleasure do I want to savour from my day? I.e. when I stroked my cat and listened to my favourite podcast, or the bubble bath I enjoyed with my waterproof sex toy

3. How much more pleasure can I experience in this moment right now? I.e. I will make myself a tea and massage my feet

Let’s go deeper together

If you’re looking to discover more about your (or your partner’s) menstrual and hormonal cycle in relation to intimacy, join me at my upcoming workshop, Cycle-Conscious Sex + Pleasure.

By attending, you'll leave with tools to track your cycles and harness them for deeper, more pleasurable sexual experiences.

Use the code PLEASUREANXIOUSLY for 10% off, and we hope to see you there!

Online Workshop

Berlin Workshop

Thank you for reading ‘Pleasure Anxiously’. As a brief reminder, here are some of the offerings & treats I have for you at the moment:

☎️ 1:1 sensual intimacy coaching - book 15-mins free intro chat to see how I can support you

💕 Sensual self-touch workshop - a guided mindful body & vulva exploration on 1st December

🖐️ 5 steps for sexual happiness ebook - download pleasure-based practices in my mini-ebook

📹 Rediscover sex & love webinar - 45-mins video to help you create the intimacy you desire

🌷 Regrowth ritual - audio guide to cultivate the garden of your sexuality

💓 Heart expansion meditation - audio guide to open you up to love

💸 Upgrade your substack subscription - for as little as £3.99 a month (every little helps 🤗)

Subscribe now

When I first came up with this week’s Substack idea, my original plan for this piece was to write about how much I love queer reality dating shows. In fact, this was the topic of one of my Sexual Dissidence cultural studies essays during my master’s degree. Picture this: “1 bisexual bachelorette, 16 guys, 16 girls. Who will she choose?”

And while I will definitely be writing a piece about this passion of mine in the near future, what I’m feeling to write this week is the necessity of the “guilty pleasure” for our emotional wellbeing and political activism – and so, if you’ll let me, I’d love to unpack the concept with you! 

Even though this content is not behind a paywall, I want to share that it takes time and energy to create and upload the content that I create, do please consider becoming a paid subscriber of ‘Pleasure Anxiously’ for as little as £3.99 a month to support my work.

Subscribe now

Pleasure needn’t be guilty!

In all honesty, we have enough we are coerced into feeling guilty about under the weight of capitalism, “not doing enough” “not good enough” “not productive enough” - which, I believe is exactly the culprit behind this.

And it infuriates me when I work with clients who, not unlike myself, have been conditioned to think that pleasure is something “frivolous” or needs to be “earned”. 

Taking inspiration from the author of Pleasure Activism, and total sci-fi dream babe, adrienne maree brown, who demands that “pleasure is our birthright”. 

Not to mention that Neuroscientist Morten Kringelbach at the University of Oxford explains that “we need to be able not just to survive for ourselves, but also survive as a species.” He goes on to say that this means “the fundamental pleasures are the ones where we can have some food that gives us the energy to go on, but also sex that allows us to basically work as a species.”

Our bodies are quite literally designed to receive pleasure – in all of its forms, whether that be physical pleasure, emotional pleasure, social pleasure… whatever pleasure means to you, you are worthy of experiencing it. As long as it doesn’t harm others, right? 

So why is some pleasure deemed guilty - while others not so much? And can these guilty pleasures be redefined as important tools for healing, connection, and freedom? 

But hey, while we are here. Let’s just dive into our own guilty pleasures. ‘Cause I have plenty. Some of which I’m happy to divulge, perhaps in the hope that we can relieve some of the shame.

Some of my guilty pleasures

• Every single reality dating show I can get my hands on 

• Bingeing teen American series: last year was Diary of a Vampire / this year is Gossip Girl

• Listening to cheesy pop music (all day, everyday)

• Eating a whole bag of Doritos or a tub of Ben and Jerry’s fish food ice cream 

• A quick wank 

• Scrolling through cute cat videos 

• Working from bed in my fluffy dressing gown 

• Splashing out on any pink item of clothing I can see in a charity shop (as you can see from the feature image)

Exercise: Take a moment to write down as many of your guilty pleasures that you can think of. Notice if there are any patterns between them - and ask yourself: why do you think they feel “guilty”? 

If you feel like sharing some of your “guilty pleasures” and “whys”, pop them in the comments:

Leave a comment

Unearthing shame

Taking stock of our own patterns is one way to start to shift our relationship with them. But what we can start to investigate is what makes a pleasure a guilty one? 

A few reasons why we might feel guilty around certain pleasures are: 

• Pride: we might feel ashamed of our choice of TV show, or worry our music tastes aren’t “cool enough” 

• Health: we might be concerned that our pleasure habits are “bad” for our body, or that we’ll be seen as “too greedy”

• Productivity: we might think about our to-do list and feel guilt that we are wasting time 

• Fear: we might imagine a future where we regret indulging in ‘said’ guilty pleasure

• Connection: we might be aware that our behaviours are disconnecting us from ourselves or the people around us. 

Now, of course, there may be some truths to these, such as I’m sure it’s not greeeat for my stomach to eat a whole tub of ice cream, nor is it ideal for me to scroll on my phone for hours on end when I’m in a social scenario. Nevertheless, I do wish to challenge some of these reasons. 

Why? Well, first and foremost, the shame that we may feel around pleasure is often the thing that blocks us from accessing our full enjoyment of it. So unearthing that shame by bringing it to the foreground i.e. connecting with our communities, might be one way of relieving some of the negative associations.

Contrary to what I just said, there may be an element of “guiltiness” that adds a layer of pleasure that we get from the sense of “taboo”. Are you with me? As humans descended from Eve who bit that juicy ripe shiny apple, we all know too well how much we crave the “forbidden fruit.” 

It’s definitely something that has inspired a lot of my sexual research – considering the world of kink and fetish as something deemed dirty and sinful according to the mainstream, but deeply erotic for many. 

Compassionate regulation

Another layer for dismantling the ideas around “guilt” is the fact that while we may believe disconnecting from ourselves as something “bad”, there is an argument to be made around the necessity of something called “auto-regulation”. 

When I was studying Somatic Attachment Therapy, I was so relieved to learn about the three valuable tools we have as humans to regulate when we are going through difficult experiences:

1. Self-regulation - processing and addressing emotions through compassionate self-awareness i.e. meditation.

2. Co-regulation - processing and soothing emotions with another safe person by attuning to each other’s nervous systems i.e. a warm hug.

3. Auto-regulation - strategy of distancing from ourselves or from what is happening in order to create space i.e. dissociating on our phones.

The leading facilitator, holistic psychologist, and trauma-specialist, Dr. Scott Lyons, shared that “resourcing and regulating are the tools that support our capacity to be present.” 

What may be deemed a guilty pleasure or a “bad habit”, may actually be a helpful and necessary tool when there isn’t time or energy to self-regulate, or there isn’t another person there to support co-regulation. 

While, of course, there may be more “self-destructive” behaviours at play, such as bingeing alcohol or disconnecting from our loved ones, the key here is that some may offer the necessary space from an overwhelming emotional experience. 

Healing comes in many forms

I’m not necessarily saying we need to celebrate the behaviour or go “guilty-pleasure-positive”, but I’ve found offering some gentle compassion to ourselves, recognising them as essential tools for our survival. 

Our bodies have been designed not only to feel pleasure and pain, but have also evolved to be able to dissociate us from the pain of being alive - of being a human that exists in this very scary and stressful time. 

Our bodies are so wise, and by holding space for these “comforting pleasures” I’ll rename them, we can maybe soften our impulse to disconnect from ourselves even further creating a shame spiral (been there).

As you may have gathered, I’m a person who is obsessed with growth and learning, so I know I also need to give myself some grace when it comes to the healing process.

We cannot be present in our feelings 24/7, and as someone who is going through ongoing trauma healing, and a break up (whew), not to mention the horrific news of what is happening in the world, I have found so much comfort in my guilty pleasures. Not as a way to avoid processing and facing the difficulties, but as a way to recharge, to feel ready for when I’m ready for self-regulation and to show up for others.

Healing doesn’t have to look like you sitting meditatively on a mountain somewhere (though as I’m off to the Tuscan mountains next week, I hope to be doing some of that too haha), it can also really look like resting and indulging in some “seemingly guilty” creature comforts.

Pleasure activism

Another reason why some pleasures might feel “guiltier” than others, is due to power. In other words, who gets to decide what is an acceptable form of pleasure? 

Dr. Sami Schalk, a Pleasure Activist and Associate Professor of Gender and Women's Studies at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, went viral a few years ago when she tweeted:

“Can I instead write an article about how the concept of guilty pleasures is based in classism, racism, & sexism instead? Because “low brow” often means poor/working class, racialized or feminized things? How bout that article?”

She went onto research and write “Lowbrow Culture and Guilty Pleasures? The Performance and Harm of Academic Elitism” sharing that thanks to the “deeply puritanical roots” of our culture, pleasure is seen as “sinful and bad and self-indulgent.” 

She goes on to say the term ‘guilty pleasure’ “is a way of kind of distancing ourselves from pleasure” and that often these types of pleasures “are associated with women and people of colour, marginalised folks.”

Emphasising that the people at the top, typically straight, white, cis men are typically the people who have historically decided which pleasures are deemed valuable or worthy (read: not guilty). 

In Pleasure Activism, brown asks “How do we make social justice the most pleasurable human experience?”

Incorporating joy as a form of resistance is essential for the revolutionaries in the world to a) imagine a future where pleasure is accessible for all people and not just the privileged few, and b) ensure the process that gets us there is just as pleasurable as a form of energising political activism. For example, self-care and community-care in the form of healing spaces in between actions or demonstrations.

Pleasure can be the life-force, the energy that challenges the systems that seek to oppress our pleasure.

Oppressive governments thrive upon a capitalist culture of burnout. Thus we must be careful not use pleasure as a form of bypassing the work that needs to be done such as being more present and intentional with our activism.  

Intentional pleasure 

So how do we become more intentional with our pleasure? Even if that means perhaps indulging in the ‘guiltiness’ of it! 

Shalk emphasises in her piece with:

“I encourage people to just ask the question about why: What’s the problem here?” she said. “Is it something that’s harmful? Is my pleasure hurting someone, or are you just telling me that the way I experience the world joyfully is bad because it’s different from the way you experience joy in the world?”

Journaling Questions:

1. Considering my guilty pleasures, which ones do I want to be more intentional with?

2. How do these make me feel?

3. How do I want to feel before, during, and after when engaging with these?

4. What would eliminating guilt from the pleasure feel like?

5. If I could rename my “guilty pleasure” as something else, what would I like to call it?

6. What would being compassionate to myself look like when I’m engaging in them? 

Thank you for reading ‘Pleasure Anxiously’. As a brief reminder, here are some of the offerings & treats I have for you at the moment:

☎️ 1:1 sensual intimacy coaching - book 15-mins free intro chat to see how I can support you

💕 Sensual self-touch workshop - a guided mindful body & vulva exploration on 1st December

🖐️ 5 steps for sexual happiness ebook - download pleasure-based practices in my mini-ebook

📹 Rediscover sex & love webinar - 45-mins video to help you create the intimacy you desire

🌷 Regrowth ritual - audio guide to cultivate the garden of your sexuality

💓 Heart expansion meditation - audio guide to open you up to love

💸 Upgrade your substack subscription - for as little as £3.99 a month (every little helps 🤗)

I recently recorded my answers via short snappy videos, but wanted to add my more fleshed out thoughts and ideas in response to these questions. If any of this resonates with you, or if you have any questions yourself, please don’t hesitate to get in touch!

Even though this content is not behind a paywall, I want to share that it takes time and energy to create and upload the content that I create, do please consider becoming a paid subscriber of ‘Pleasure Anxiously’ for as little as £3.99 a month to support my work.

Subscribe now

Q1. What are the signs that you need more intimacy with yourself?

I love this question so much, because often we expect to just know exactly what our needs are and when we need them. Yet, in this fast-paced chronically-stressed out society, it’s easy to take our intimacy for granted… pushing it to the bottom of the to-do list (likely never getting “done”).

What can be a key indicator for needing intimacy with yourself, is often when we start to feel that tension or resentment with the people we care about - perhaps wishing they would give us the intimacy that we are craving.

A sign I’ve noticed in myself is that I typically overextend and over give with the hope that I’ll get intimacy in return. It is in those moments where I now recognise I need to tend to my own needs. To turn my attention inwards and ask “what kind of intimacy can I gift myself right now?”

Not treating it like a task as such, but savouring the process of simply noticing and gifting.

Luckily, you are your own best lover. You know your own love languages: what fills you up, what brings you relaxation, happiness, pleasure… And if you don’t? What a wonderful opportunity for self-discovery.

Q2. What’s the number one thing you’re surprised people don’t know about their own bodies?

So this question originally asked about “women”, and I got to thinking, ah perhaps they mean people assigned female at birth (AFAB). And from there, I thought of a whole host of incredible things that our bodies are capable of! Such as: multiple orgasms, or squirting (happy to share more on our pleasure capabilities in future posts).

But then I realised, the message isn’t just in the “goal” of achieving things that our bodies are capable of. It’s more in the fact that I’m surprised that most people (off all sexes and genders) are body illiterate! Myself included, once upon a time.

What I love to teach people is that the more you learn about what is possible, the more becomes possible. The more curious we are about our pleasure, the more we practice and experience, the more our capacity for pleasure grows.

I’ll be the first to say, I’m still on this beautiful journey, and continually find myself learning new things about my body.

So I bestow this adventure onto you! Now go forth and pleasure yourself!

Q3. How do you find the motivation to have sex or be intimate with a partner when you are both depressed, stressed, and constantly tired?

Stress is one of the biggest bedroom killers. I’m not joking. When our nervous systems are in fight, flight, freeze mode, sex is unlikely going to be on our radar.

What’s really interesting though, is that pleasure and the right kinds of intimacy for our bodies can be great tools for alleviating symptoms of stress! Creating a beautiful feedback loop of delicious hormones, and reducing the stress hormone.

Of course, if you and/or your partner is struggling with mental health issues, such as anxiety or depression, considerate care is the ultimate priority. And please give yourselves the grace period for healing to allow your body to do what it needs to do without the pressure of needing to feel sexual!

What might be helpful, is instead of thinking about “how” to have sex in these periods, ask yourself and your partner “why” sex is important. Reminding yourself and each other of what intimacy means to you may help to bring back some of the erotic energy… and bring you back to each other more organically without the level of expectations and “shoulds” around quantity of sex.

Additionally, when desire feels like it’s gone out the window, try tuning into your individual sexual personalities to encourage desire to blossom. This might mean getting clued up on your turn ons and turn offs, creating the right contexts, and adjusting your environment to suit your needs.

For example, if stress at work is putting the “brakes” on your libido, create a post-work ritual to wind down such as meditating or dancing, to soothe and reset your nervous system.

Or if you know you love when your partner gives you a massage, set aside a date night where you get out all the oils and candles!

One final point, is that there is no shame when it comes to the ebbs and flows of our desire. Ride the wave, and know that whatever you’re going through is probably temporary. Tending to your sexual garden is just one way you might start to feel that motivation again.

Here’s a meditation I created for cultivating the garden of your sexuality:

Regrowth Ritual

Q4. Tips for me as a queer woman in a relationship with a trans man - specifically navigating enjoying and celebrating “straight” sex as a person who is turned off by heteronormativity?

When it comes to navigating your sexual preferences, it can seem really difficult to unlearn the social scripts that have been designed to keep us oppressed. For example, heteronormative sex privileges phallocentric pleasure and demonises anything that deviates from penis-in-vagina sex.

This doesn’t mean that “straight” sex can’t be fun! And playful! And even queer!

Simply by existing as a queer person you are challenging the cis-het norms by default, which ultimately (despite the challenges that we face as a community) can actually give you the space and freedom to be creative with your pleasure.

Use your relationship dynamic to help you redefine what sex means to you. Queering sex and queering pleasure can literally mean whatever you want it to mean! Explore “straight” sex in a way that feels good for you and your partner.

What I love teaching my clients is that we are often playing different roles in the bedroom, and that can include gender roles, but also energetic roles: giver, taker, allower, receiver.

Each of these roles can help you to discover all sorts of desires. But it comes with trial and error, and communicating what feels good from moment to moment.

I say: let yourselves play!

Q5. How do I feel more secure in my sexual identity?

Our sexual identities might be very different from what was expected of us growing up. Social conditioning teaches us to perform a certain way to be accepted and loved. For example, I was taught that women aren’t supposed to have their own sexuality, but be at the service of men’s pleasure.

My queer desires were tangled up with the heteronormative scripts, such as “my attraction to women is for the benefit of men”.

Now as we are on this beautiful journey of self-discovery, we can start to take stock, with the first step is looking inwards: reflect on what you learned growing up, and start to move towards what feels like is yours, and choose to let go of what doesn’t.

Q6. How do you navigate your new sexual anatomy after gender reassignment surgery?

I love the idea of treating gender reassignment (also known as confirmation) surgery almost like a second puberty. I’ve found treating lots of stages (i.e. menopause) in our lives like another puberty, simply because we are constantly going through physical bodily and hormonal changes, and yet we don’t give it the same gravity as we do our teenage years.

What does this look like? Exploring your body in a whole new way. While our teenage years may feel like a rush of horny emotions, as we transition in other stages of our life, I like to invite people to go slow.

So slow. Exploring pleasure at a pace in which the body is ready and feels safe enough to. It’s a process of building trust within yourself. Asking your new genitals for consent and seeing how they respond.

Personifying our bodies can be a great way to forge new relationships with them without feeling so disconnected. We all want to be on the same side!

Stay curious, be intuitive, and build on what feels good - following the pleasure and intrigue. Definitely check out Juno Roche’s book “Queer Sex” if you haven’t already. They explore their neo-pussy in such a beautiful way, tending to it’s needs and discovering new-found pleasure!

As a brief reminder, here are some of the offerings & treats I have for at the moment:

☎️ 1:1 sensual intimacy coaching - book 15-mins free intro chat to see how I can support you

🖐️ 5 steps for sexual happiness ebook - download pleasure-based practices in my mini-ebook

📹 Rediscover sex & love webinar - 45-mins video to help you create the intimacy you desire

💕 Sensual self-touch workshop - a guided mindful body & vulva exploration on 28th September

💸 Upgrade your Substack - subscribe for as little as £3.99 a month (every little helps)

🌷 Regrowth ritual - audio guide to cultivate the garden of your sexuality

💓 Heart expansion meditation - audio guide to open you up to love

Are you also bi, shy, and ready to cry? For many of us, our sexuality and mental health are deeply intertwined. Whatever your sexual orientation, living in a heteronormative society can be traumatising on many levels!

Hello, I’m back from a mini-writing break. Life has been a lot recently: work’s been (wonderfully) busy with new clients and various pleasure projects. However, ongoing healing from trauma has been downright exhausting; oh, and on the same week as officiating a friend’s wedding I went through a pretty big break up, woo… (and no, I’m not ready to talk about that just yet).

Needless to say, I’m feeling excited to get back into the swing of writing on here. Especially as it’s Bisexual Visibility Month, I feel called to share with you some thoughts on what it’s like being bi - and to celebrate the ups, and be grateful for the downs.

I recently saw an interesting post from a fellow bisexual researcher, Floralie, on something they called “the sad bi test” and it has made me reflect on the content that we consume as a community, the connections we make, and how this impacts our self-esteem!

Time for some sad bi

As bisexuals, our mental health is often tied to the biphobia and invisibility we face. So I want to acknowledge the bisexual hardships that are part of my experience. So, buckle up for a moment of "bi, shy, and ready to cry."

Biphobia: Biphobia manifests in stereotypes and the dismissal of bisexuality’s validity, extending to larger issues like lack of funding for services and increased mental health struggles.

For example: bisexual women experiencing the highest rates of anxiety (57.8%) compared to lesbian women (40.8%) and heterosexual women (31.3%); and for bisexual men the risk of suicide is highest (34.8%) compared to gay men (25.2%) and heterosexual men (7.4%).

Internalised biphobia: Stereotypes like “greedy”, “liar,” “slut”, “cheater” can be incredibly harmful for ones self-esteem. Personally, I had to unlearn beliefs such as: "I’ll never be happy in a long-term relationship with one gender"—ideas I absorbed simply by growing up being bi and being told these things from my peers and the media.

Relationship difficulties: With partners who haven’t unlearned their own biphobia, it can lead to some unsavoury remarks, such as “I can’t trust you because you’re more likely to cheat” (direct quote from a past lover) or “you can’t be bisexual now you’re with me” (and this one from a straight ex-boyfriend, and a gay ex-girlfriend).

All at the same time, people will assume that you’re always down for a threesome. And while threesomes can be great, the assumption can leave you feeling a bit icky.

Heteronormative sex-ed: The lack of comprehensive sex education adds shame and confusion, especially for people exploring their sexuality. Without learning about queer sex, pleasure-positive consent, and authentic communication, many of us are often left flailing when it comes to intimacy.

Compulsory heterosexuality: Adrienne Rich’s concept of compulsory heterosexuality in her 1980 essay Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence highlights how societal pressures enforce the belief that women’s “natural” attraction is toward men - inhibiting queer desire and erasing queer identities.

Compulsory monogamy: I wrote about this topic for the bisexual magazine Unicorn: Investigating bisexuality and monogamy in the hopes to draw parallels between sexual oppression and relationship styles. With the hetero-patriarchal nuclear family upheld as the norm, queer people’s existence are deemed a threat to these systemic structures.

Queer trauma: Something that across the LGBTQ+ community can relate to is the traumatic experience of simply existing as queer in a cis-heteronormative world. Not to mention the intersecting identities such as gender, race, ability, class, and more, that create a variety of overlapping oppressions, and the distinct experiences within the LGBTQ+ community.

Not queer enough: Stigmas such as “just doing it for attention”, “just haven’t made their mind up”, “just being greedy” lead to bi erasure, and feelings of “not being queer enough”.

Uncertain futures: Growing up as bisexual, I never had a clear sense of what my future could look like. Positive representation was rare, and what did exist often portrayed bisexual characters as villains or home-wreckers, and often someone who “ended up gay” or “ended up straight.”

Becoming happy bis together

Okay, and breathe… That was a lot, eh? I guess the common thread is the shared experiences the bisexual community can bond over! I’m also aware there are many more difficulties I haven’t even touched upon that come with identifying as queer and/or bisexual in this world.

However! Floralie argues that creating “happy bi” content is important too, by asking questions like:

1. What joyful elements does our common identity rest on?

2. What positive bisexual role models do we have?

3. Is self-deprecation without humiliation possible?

4. What words have emerged in our community?

5. And, what positive stories do we have to tell?

Feel free to leave a comment with any thoughts or reflections on these questions:

Leave a comment

By bring in the both/and, we can choose to expand on the positive stories and commit to doing “happy bi” too.

I wrote about being bisexual in 2019, called 20biteen, the year of the bisexual. As we are now in the year of the so-called “lesbian renaissance” I’m curious as to how much of a positive impact these cultural waves have had on being queer and happy.

For now… Here are some things that do bring me bisexual joy that I feel are worth noting and might offer some takeaways for you too:

Happy bi tears: When people feel safe to share their sexual identity with me, it literally brings me to tears. It’s often on a dance floor and someone whispers it in my ear. Part of the emotion comes from the honour of being trusted, and part of it is healing the loneliness I once felt in my queerness. My tears are a reminder of the joy that comes from that feeling of “yay!!! we exist” and also “my heart sees yours!”

Deep empathy: Despite the pain that comes with all the trauma, I am so grateful for the deep level of understanding what others are going through when coming to terms with their sexuality in this world.

Redefining sex: While dominant sexual scripts defines sex as “penis-in-vagina”, queer people have had to be creative and redefine sex and pleasure for ourselves, on our own terms. I love bringing that creative curiosity to my own experiences while also sharing these with my partners, my community, and the rest of society!

Redefining relationships: There is a level of freedom that can come with not knowing where you’re life is going to go depending on the gender of the person you may find yourself in a relationship with. While there is a lot of uncertainty, there is also possibility, choice, and options for a conscious life you want to live.

Gender playfulness: Ever since I was a young queer kid, there was an interesting element of playing with my gender. As a bisexual teen, I desperately wanted to attract the cute boys and girls… this hilariously led to me stealing and wearing my brothers Lynx Africa as a 15 year old to attract the girl I fancied at school (sorry if you’re reading this). And within my relationships, I’ve enjoyed the exploring masc and femme roles (it’s all made up anyway! lol).

Crush variety: I’m actually being invited to write a guest on my friend’s substack, in her series “Considering My Crushes” so stay tuned. I love the surprising feeling I get when I fancy someone new, and what it is about them, alongside their gender. Like, what is it about this person that draws me to them?

Meme hilarity: There is just an adorable sense of ridiculous community that comes out of meme culture. For example, bisexuals “always” wear cuffed jeans or do finger guns (accurate and oh-so true).

Community building & queer spaces: I adore the communities I have met and build over the years, from parties to politics, from the club to the streets. From co-running the Gay Straight Alliance in college, to marching in prides across the UK and Europe, as well as supporting political communities such as Lesbians and Gays Support the Migrants. I’m so grateful that there will always be a community for me that I can rely on to fight for my rights, and vice versa.

Ultimately, what I’ve learned is that being both a “happy bi” and a “sad bi” is that it’s not only okay to feel all the feels as I got through a difficult period in my life—it’s wholly necessary.

There’s power in making room for both the joy and the pain that come with our relationship to our sexuality, and that’s what makes our experiences human and intimately connects us to each other.

Queer Resources

A lot of what I do in my work is rooted in my journey with my sexuality, and for this reason, I feel called to make other people’s journeys less challenging - and share all of the little and big wisdoms and tools I’ve learned along the way.

If you are struggling with your sexuality, no matter how you identify, here are some resources that I hope might be useful for you:

• 1:1 Sensual Intimacy Coaching with me, Oli Lipski

• The Bisexual Research Group

• Embodied Fluidity Meditation For Shedding Shame Around Sexuality

• Queer Sex Therapist, Casey Tanner

• The Expansive Group, Sexuality, Gender & Relationship Counselling

• Not Defining - Sexuality Coach, Mark

• Queer Healers Directory

• Bisexual Jams Playlist

• Bi and Prejudice

Feel free to leave a comment below with all and any resources that you think might be useful for other readers who land on this page!

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Fast forward to my early twenties, and I was utterly thrown when anxiety medication numbed my senses, and my relationship with orgasm became all but a distant memory.

If you're interested, you can read more about the time a doctor asked me to choose between happiness and sex?

While it was a confusing and painful period of my life, upon reflection, I am now so grateful for the path it put me on.

It transformed my relationship with my orgasm, genitals, body, and pleasure, each of which I now actively celebrate in all their complexities, fluctuations, and unique insights.

My body has been on a journey, and I’d like to share some of that journey with you in the hope that it will give you pause for reflection on where you are at, and where you’d like to be.

As a Sensual Intimacy Coach, Pleasure Workshop Facilitator, Sex Tech Writer, and Erotic Consultant, I have dedicated my career to gathering information and sharing it with people who are open to learning and growing in this area.

I’ve already shared some of my early endeavours of searching for my erotic self in exploring the sexual underworld, but this time I’ll delve into some of the more sensually intimate lessons that have shaped my relationship with self-pleasure.

Defining the elusive orgasm

What is an orgasm? Ask one person and they may say “an explosion”, another “like a genital sneeze”, and yet another “a full body wave of pleasure”.

The French called it “la petite mort”, or “the little death”, whereby the breath typically stops, as the trigger of an orgasm is the nervous system temporarily switching into a sympathetic state.

Orgasms are often described as an intense release of sexual tension that comes with muscle contractions, heightened emotions, and a deep sense of satisfaction.

While most people think of orgasms as being triggered by genital stimulation, they can also be sparked by touch in other sensitive areas like the nipples, through fantasies, from brushing teeth, or even in sleep - wet dream anyone?

According to the science, orgasm is essentially a brain event, where different parts of the nervous system respond to stimulation. In simple terms, an orgasm involves a release of delicious hormones such as the love-bonding hormone oxytocin, combined with rhythmic contractions of the pelvic floor muscles.

It is sometimes accompanied with ejaculation, also known as “squirt” in people with vulvas, but this is separate from an orgasm.

If you struggle with orgasms, whether you're not sure if you’ve ever had one (just know you’re not alone) or perhaps you only experience them under certain conditions, I encourage you to reach out. I’d love to help in any way I can!

Getting creative with pleasure

When I couldn’t orgasm, I felt like I was broken. I was just starting my job as a researcher and writer for a vibrator company, and I felt like a fraud.

The visual pornography that used to work its magic effectively, just didn’t have the same impact. If anything, the more I tried, the more frustrated I became, and the less pleasure I inevitably felt.

Thankfully, due to the nature of my job, I was handed this opportunity to absorb and digest a wealth of knowledge. For example, I remember when I was working on a project, and I first discovered audio porn.

Now bearing in mind this was 2018, just before the explosion of audio erotica apps flooded the market. If you're curious, check out this article I wrote in 2019: Aural sex: Is audio porn the next big thing in adult content, or destined for censorship?

There was just something so powerfully sensual about audio. Something about the sounds that helped to reconnect me to a sense of curiosity. It challenged me to slow the fuck down. To enjoy the whole story. To use my imagination. To incorporate my whole body. With each of its senses.

And once again, the tingle of arousal I’d felt in the kinky clubs of the sexual underworld was showing itself once more in my self-pleasure.

Follow the pleasure

Something I teach my clients now is a concept taken from the wonderful teacher Betty Martin, called ‘following the pleasure’.

QUICK EXERCISE: Pick one part of your body, for example your earlobe. Start by just becoming aware of this body part and then begin to explore it with touch. Observe each sensation, temperature, texture, pressure.

Shift your awareness from your hand to the body part and your body part to the hand. And simply follow the pleasure - what feels good moment to moment. And let go what doesn’t feel good.

The more we practice pleasure, the more we can expand our experience of it!

As I started getting creative with my pleasure, I focused on what genuinely felt good to me, rather than sticking to a script of what I thought I should like or how I thought it should look.

In doing so, I started to notice where else in my body I was feeling sensation, beyond my genitals, and in slowing down I’ve become incredibly intuitive about what my body wants and needs, and how this can change from moment to moment.

Alternative erogenous zones that I’d totally ignored for the first decade of my self-pleasure, from teen-hood to my twenties, were awakening, and the more I paid attention, the more they expanded in their capacity for feeling.

For more personalised support, consider working with me 1:1. The best way to make sure I can support you is booking a free 15-mins intro call!

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New orgasmic possibilities

Even when my orgasms felt like a world away, I began to revel in the joy of the journey; the pleasure adventure. And over the years, this is the orgasmic state that I now cherish.

Sure, an orgasm can be a great bonus, and with years of conscious mental unblocking, open-minded curiosity, and an ongoing pleasure practice, I’ve discovered (and continue to discover) a plethora of new ways to get that climactic experience that doesn’t rely on the same routine I relied on as a teenager.

Don’t get me wrong, the routine is useful, it’s familiar, it’s safe…

But once you realise that the neural pleasure pathways in your brain can be rewired, and you start believing in the infinite possibilities of pleasure, it opens you up to so much more.

Discovery has led to nipple-orgasms, hands-free orgasms, multiple orgasms, squirting experiences, new peak orgasmic states… and more.

Our bodies are wired for pleasure. And I am grateful to know that I am still learning every single time I explore.

A guided sensual self-touch workshop

If you’re looking to expand your capacity for pleasure and orgasm, I want to invite you to my second Sensual Self-Touch: A Mindful Body & Vulva Exploration workshop in September 2024.

In this 3-hour container, with around 20 gorgeous people with vulvas, you will be invited to explore alone, while together - combining exercises for introspection as well as connection. You will be guided through a powerful journey filled with tools, practices, and techniques to incorporate to your unique pleasure toolbox.

Sensual Self-Touch Workshop

For more information, you can read about our first workshop over on Mashable

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A few weeks ago I shared with you part of my origin story of what led me to become so interested in the topic of sexual wellbeing. Being faced with the question “what would you choose: happiness or sex?” changed the course of my life, as I was determined to find harmony between both.

This is not to say that I’m a “perfectly happy sexual being” today - not at all. But I celebrate the fact that my journey has been one of boundless discovery that has brought me profound pleasure and expansive intimacy beyond what I could have ever imagined.

Curiosity awakened the cat

I’m excited to share with you some more of my early experiences, in the hope that it may inspire you to begin your own journey - that is if you haven’t already begun it.

To be honest, I believe we all begin our journeys as young children. Our curiosity and desire for being playful and seeking pleasure is so deeply human.

Yet, our society loves to enforce oppressive messages that tell us “this is wrong”. Many of us enter our teenage years with a sense of shame around our desires or our bodies. Masturbating to porn, or exploring each other’s bodies, only to discover that “porn is bad for you”, or “you’re a slut for doing that.”

I recall these younger years as an essential part of reflecting upon your own journey, as I believe that much of our sexual healing comes from a process of unlearning the harmful social scripts.

The rabbit hole of the sexual underworld

When I first discovered the rabbit hole of the sexual underworld, my world felt cracked open. There was a whole community of people who were resisting the heteronormative puritanical messages of taboo and queer-phobic and sex-negative shame that we may internalise.

And having graduated from studying Sexual Dissidence at university for my Masters in 2017, I was well aware of the queer theory that existed to dismantle those ideas. But there was something wholly unique about being confronted with the queer practice of sexual dissidence.

A world that celebrated kink as utterly wholesome; that viewed porn and sex work as an extension of our intimacy; that introduced me to the sensual realms of pleasure.

Having been numbed by my anxiety medication, I was determined to rediscover my sexual self through a new lens.

So I bravely ventured out into new territory…

A cheeky introduction to adult play parties

There’s something so uniquely wholesome about kink spaces that I never knew was possible. I remember how anxious I was before one of my first BDSM events, and how surprised I was to be met with such polite, kind, and caring people who were keen to learn and share experiences: “is this your first time?” or “what are your kinks?”

I was even asked explicit questions, such as: “may I touch you?” to which, when I responded with a “no”, was received with a genuinely grateful smile - without any resistance.

Something quite different from the straight-night clubs I’d frequented, having been groped and leered at with zero concern for my well being. I recall one time when I called out some guy for pinching my bum, to which he retorted “don’t flatter yourself, love”.

Charming. 🙄

No, these adult spaces were like a whole new world. Often filled with plenty of toys and tools, and beautifully dressed people with a playful attitude who were interested in sharing their own journeys of eroticism.

Picture this: dungeons echoing with the moans inflicted by spanking doms & dommes (dominants & dominatrixes), cages containing blindfolded rope bunnies (a person who enjoys being tied up), beds filled with endless limbs reaching out in pleasure.

Witnessing these sexual beings exploring their pleasure so openly, I began to feel something…

In my previously numbed body, there grew a tingle of arousal - things felt exciting again. It was like the rain was clearing.

(Song and dance break 🎶)

EXERCISE: Getting intentional

What blew my mind the most, was the question: “what are you hoping to get out of this night?”

Intention setting is something I love to teach my clients. Whether it’s before a date, before you masturbate, or before you go to a play party, it’s worth taking a moment to pause and ask ourselves… “what do I want the outcome to be?”

Never mind if the outcome isn’t as planned, but just being more intentional with our energy can help to shift our experience to a more presently expansive one. Here are some examples of intention setting in practice:

• I went to an event recently, and my intention was “to reconnect with my erotic self and connect with likeminded people.” It did wonders for when I felt overwhelmed or anxious.

• Before a date, a client of mine recently shared “I want to practise my flirting skills.” She left the date feeling more confident and proud of herself for trying even though she didn’t see it going anywhere.

• Before masturbating: check-in with what you want, i.e. “I want to feel grateful for my body” or “I want to relax and fall asleep.” While for the first you might spend some time massaging your whole body, the second you might just whip out your fave vibe.

Every intention creates a different behaviour, leading to a different outcome.

If you want more tools like this one, drop me a message and I’d be happy to offer some guidance.

The darker sides of the sexual underworld

Of course, a lot of these kink-positive spaces aren’t going to be perfect. And by no means, do I want you to take this as a blueprint for you and your journey!

The reality is, I had some pretty awful experiences too. These experiences confronted me with the utter lack of consent education I’d received. I found that my boundaries were practically non-existent, and this led to some really unfortunate experiences, which in hindsight, I came to realise included sexual coercion.

I’d like to say at this point, if you can go with someone, there may be more safety (but that isn’t always guaranteed), and if you are looking to explore alone, make sure you familiarise yourself with the rules of the space, and know who is a welfare officer (usually someone wearing a hi-vis) to make sure you have the support you need.

Over the years, what I have learned in going to these spaces, is the importance of minimising the use of alcohol or drugs. Simply, from my own experience, because it can become even harder to negotiate boundaries, and check-in with ourselves. Though, naturally, people are going to be using, so just be aware of your own safety.

Not to mention the imbalance of power that can rear its ugly (or sometimes sexy) head. Of course, playing with power in a consensual setting can be incredibly hot, but also be aware of who has more privilege in these spaces, and who is socialised to feel more entitled to sex and pleasure.

A softer intro to sensually intimate experiences

Alongside the kinkier spaces, there was a whole world of sensual eroticism that I began discovering too. A big rabbit hole of the sexual underworld, by which I mean - once you go to one event, you are very likely to find more, and more, and more.

For example, after bonding with a gorgeous woman at a sapphic play party over our love of massages, she invited me to an event that was unlike anything I’d ever heard of before.

Picture this: a purple lit room, floor covered in black tarpaulin, surrounded by around 20 naked women, rolling around on the floor in warm lavender oil. Bizarre right? But this was one of the most alive and connected to my body I’d possibly ever felt.

From there, I met a Tantric masseuse and booked in my first ever vulva squirting massage, and a few steps from there I ended up working with a sex and relationship coach who helped me develop my confidence in exploring my sensuality from a more embodied approach.

All of these incredible experiences, good and bad, led me to where I am today.

Though I found myself flailing a lot of the time (and still do today! I’m not perfect, remember), I feel so lucky to have had a guide who shared so much wisdom, and ultimately helped discover and articulate my own inner wisdom which inspired me to do what I do today - supporting others who are on their unique path toward fulfilling love and expansive pleasure.

Kickstart your sensual intimacy journey today

I sincerely hope this story was enlightening for you - feel free to share with anyone who you think might appreciate this read.

If you’re just starting out on your own journey, and don’t know where to begin, or perhaps you’ve already started and want some intimacy support and emotional guidance, well, I have a whole pleasure chest of tools and ideas that, honestly, I’m just dying to share with you.

Whether you want to explore your sensual kinky side, unlearn harmful sexual scripts, practice setting boundaries, or deepen your intimacy with pleasure, I’m here to guide you every step of the way. So let’s start this beautiful journey together.

Book a free 15 mins 1:1 intro call to see if or how I can help!

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As a Sensual Intimacy Coach, I support people who are struggling with their sex or love lives to help you create more fulfilling intimacy with yourself and others! This could be anything from feeling blocked in the bedroom, to improving your communication skills.

I’m also very keen to hear from you (see poll below) on what resonates, so I can make sure you are getting the most valuable insights wherever you’re at on your sensual intimacy journey.

My sensual intimacy offerings

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Things I’m working on behind the scenes

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Poll time

Thank so much for being here, if you have a millisecond, I would love to know what (if anything) from my work that resonates most with you:

Or if you have any specific comments or requests, my DMs are open. I’d love to hear from you:

I’m writing this week’s Substack off the back of a week recovering from having my four wisdom teeth out, and have been sorely reminded of how being alone with my thoughts and feelings can be incredibly trying.

It has also forced me to reflect on how far I’ve come.

Since 2017, I’ve learned so much about my body, my pleasure, my happiness, and about sex. And how my happiness and my sex life are inseparable. My sexual wellbeing is a fundamental component of my happiness, and my happiness has a direct impact on my sexual wellbeing. They are one in the same.

This doesn't mean I need sex to be happy or happiness to enjoy sex. But there is a direct correlation I’m keen to explore with you.

The diagnosis

In 2017, I was diagnosed with GAD (General Anxiety Disorder). Symptoms became unbearable after coming out of a toxic relationship, and failing to form a new relationship with someone else. My self-esteem was at a new low, and my baseline energy was consistently on edge.

Within a ten minute chat, the doctor prescribed me an antidepressant, more specifically, the most commonly prescribed SSRI, Sertraline, and I was sent to Group CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy).

Within a few weeks, what I quickly realised was how disconnected I felt. Sure, the emotional highs and lows were mellowing out, but physically, I was also becoming numb.

[Sing-along time]

Sexual side effects

Previously super sensitive to the touch, I now struggled to feel pleasure, let alone pain. I struggled to cry, feel joy, and my body (in comparison to before) was practically non-responsive. Arousal started to feel like a distant memory, and orgasms were nowhere to be found.

At the same time, coincidentally, I was getting my first proper job as a sex researcher for a vibrator company, and my first assignment was to report on all of the sex toy stores in Germany (as I was travelling for a month to Hamburg, Berlin, Leipzig, and Munich).

Before my trip, I went to my doctor, and explained the whole situation - hoping for some answers. He looked at me with zero empathy, and asked me as if it was the most obvious question… to weigh it up. “What would you like to choose: Happiness or sex?”

Can anyone else relate to this experience?

I was left frustrated and helpless. Of course I didn’t want to be mentally unwell anymore. Of course I want to be happy. But what kind of happiness is this? Where I couldn’t even connect to my own body?

I honestly felt like a failed human. A broken woman. How was I supposed to do my job of becoming an esteemed sex writer if I couldn’t even come?! My identity as a sexpert was flawed, I was a fraud, and should just give up my dreams of becoming the next Carrie Bradshaw (lol).

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But I was determined. I would be happy. And I would be a sexually fulfilled being.

Scientific discoveries

Looking back now, I feel so lucky that I had my job as a writer and researcher, I spent my time learning all I could about how our bodies work, how pleasure and arousal works, and science of the medications. (Bearing in mind, I studied the history of science and sexuality at uni, so this was a dream to be able to do it for a job).

For example, I learnt that the SSRI I was on works to balance out symptoms of anxiety and depression by inhibiting the reuptake of serotonin - which simply means it allows for more serotonin (happiness) to be absorbed in the brain. However, in doing so, it has a negative affect on the production of other hormones such as dopamine (pleasure) and testosterone (desire).

Happiness or sex? It really is quite literally a chemical balancing act.

What I also uncovered in my research is that with more serotonin in the system, the body produces less nitric oxide, “which normally has a role in relaxing the smooth muscle of the vasculature (including the vasculature of the reproductive structures), thus enabling vasodilation and allowing sufficient blood supply to the sexual organs during the sexual response cycle.”

In layman's terms, taking the medication meant less fresh blood and oxygen were being sent to my vulva, clitoris, and nipples, making it harder to get hard (physically aroused).

Which, as a side note is interestingly not a problem for people who struggle with sexual dysfunction such as premature ejaculation; whereby people are often recommended SSRIs to delay their experience of ejaculation.

So, “what to do with all this information?” you may be asking. Well, as Sir Francis Bacon said “knowledge is power”… or even better, “knowledge is pleasure”. Because what came next was a sensual journey of infinite discoveries.

Finding the balance

Fast forward 7 years of deepening my relationship with my mental health and sexual wellbeing, and teaching all I know to others, I now truly believe that pleasure is my birthright. Just as it is for you, and anyone who wants to claim it.

We are all deserving of sexual happiness (whatever that means to you), and I’m grateful for my many teachers and guides along the way, who reminded me (and continue to remind me) that this is the case, in spite of the world telling us otherwise.

In sum, than accepting the bare minimum, I chose to come off my medications after about a year of being on them (it also took about a year to gradually taper off them, with the close guidance of my doctor, thanks to the really fun withdrawal symptoms they also don’t tell you about) and have since been working with my mental health and sexual wellbeing in, let’s say, some alternative ways.

To be super clear, I’m not here to give you a one size fits all answer to this issue. Nor am I advocating for or against the use of medications (I’m well aware of how life saving they can be - plus there are many types out there that don’t have the same side effects!).

I merely want to share elements of my story, with the hope that it might inspire some new ways of thinking about your relationship to yourself, your body, and your internal emotional world. One that goes beyond merely having to choose between happiness or sex…

…One where we all get to choose sexual happiness, that embraces the messiness, the highs, and the lows.

Now, I’m sure you’re now wondering what some of those “alternative ways” are, and I’m excited to share some of my approaches in upcoming Substacks.

Keep an eye out for my next piece, which will explore me going down the rabbit hole of the sexual underworld to reclaiming my sexual happiness and discovering my sensual self while on (and coming off) medication!

What I’ll be sharing here is some body-based offerings for moving through the stuckness that you might be feeling.

I’m all too familiar with feeling stuck in love and sex, and it can suck when you can’t see the other side. So, I’m keen to share what’s been helpful for me to feel and move through some of that.

For years, I felt so lost and confused when my heart began to close, or my pleasure felt so far away from me. I’d go through life thinking this is just how I am supposed to be: broken.

I distinctly remember after a particularly hard break up, that I was destined to never feel love again (we’ve all been there, am I right?).

And to some degree, unbeknownst to me, I was subconsciously closing myself off from the possibility of love. I was shutting down my heart’s capacity for love, in order to protect myself from this pain.

To create more ease and openness during difficult times, I’ve learnt to give my body a voice. The way I do this is through creative exercises, such as guided meditations and journaling, which I’m excited to share with you here.

Read more

Welcome to my space where I explore the intricate dance between love and pleasure. For those who are new here, I invite you to check out my Welcome piece to get a feel for what to expect.

Through my journey as a Sensual Intimacy Coach, sex writer, pleasure workshop facilitator, and in my own personal experiences, I've uncovered intimate connections between love, pleasure, and the anxieties that often accompany them.

So, I thought it would be interesting to dive into some of the thoughts and philosophies that have helped shape my personal understanding of these topics, in the hope they may shed some light on your own relationships with them.

There are a few journaling prompts included if you want to grab your pen and paper, or simply ponder on them.

Before we get into it, let’s look at some of your personal definitions of love and pleasure.

Journaling Prompt: Write down three words that come to mind when you think of “love” and “pleasure.”

(Doing) love, actually

As you may already know, the Ancient Greeks had a plethora of words for love, including eros (passionate sexual love), philia (friendly appreciative love), and agape (compassionate love for all), amongst many others. These different forms of love highlight the diverse ways we can experience (feel) and express (do) love.

Etymologically speaking, the English word for love derives from Germanic forms of the Sanskrit word “lubh” which means desire. Interestingly, this feels contradictory to what Psychotherapist Esther Perell teaches, whereby for “desire” is often in conflict with love.

She is particularly referring to how we make sexual desire sustainable in a long-term relationship by recognising the balancing act of maintaining safe and committed love while creating mysterious and surprising desire.

Desire = yearning / Love = having

[Desire is a whole topic that I’ll be writing about in future pieces, but I feel it’s worth noting here for the purpose of defining our relationship to love.]

I remember learning these new definitions of when I was coming out of the honeymoon period of a (healthy) long-term relationship. The intense feelings of lust and passion didn’t feel as intense anymore. I was so used to the dance of desire, that this newfound love and sense of safety actually felt quite terrifying - was something wrong with me? With us?

I luckily came to realise (with much guidance from relationship coaches and sex educators) that sustaining romantic love and fulfilling intimacy requires active effort and innovative expression. Perhaps a tad cliche to quote Massive Attack’s song Teardrop, but truly: “love is a verb, love is a doing word.”

The beauty in discovering this, was that this new type of love I was experiencing didn’t just rely on hormones for connection, but a more active form of expression and loving effort to build a deeper and more meaningful relationship. It takes work - work that can be playful and totally worth it!

Through those moments of panic, of disconnect, whenever I felt stuck, I learnt that a loving action can help us break through the barriers that we hide our hearts behind.

It’s an empowering notion: The feeling comes in the doing of love.

Feeling blocked in your heart might just be an indication that you need to do something loving, either for yourself or those around you.

Journaling prompt: If your heart could talk right now, what would it tell you? What does it need from you? Who might benefit from you showing up with love?

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(Receiving) pleasure, anxiously

How do you define pleasure? What were you taught about pleasure growing up? From your family, from your culture, from media? If you had a pleasure-positive upbringing, I am in awe and want to celebrate that.

But for the majority of us who live in a capitalist, patriarchal, white supremacist puritanical culture (read hell-scape), one that expects us to know how to have pleasurable sex without any comprehensive sex-education, as well as inadvertently teaching us that the pursuit of pleasure immoral, sinful, shameful, guilt-ridden, etc…

…Let’s be honest. It’s no wonder that so many of us struggle to relax and receive pleasure, wholeheartedly.

Definitively, the origins of the word come from the French word “plaisir” which means “to please”, which to me reads as ‘the act of pleasing others’. Furthermore, this act of pleasing could cover a whole range of things, from the sexual, to the sensual, from the material to the emotional.

My philosophy is that there is a large umbrella of pleasure, and we each have our own umbrellas, under which we could each define pleasure for ourselves - all depending on who we are and what makes us feel good.

It’s just that, unfortunately for many of us, only some of our pleasures are deemed acceptable by the rest of society or our circles.

Take a moment to think on what pleasures you really allow yourself. Be honest. I’m not talking about “guilty-pleasures” where you binge entire series of reality tv and feel like you wasted your weekend, nor where you cheekily ordered that dessert and regretted it later.

For the record, I’m not here to shame you for the tv binge nor the dessert - cos these pleasures are so necessary and also so me - I’m just inviting you to ponder what are some of the sticky shameful feelings that surround our experiences of pleasure.

Journaling Prompt: What pleasures to you make time for? How do you make space for pleasure? What is your relationship with receiving pleasure?

I also want to highlight the intersectionality of pleasure, as this brings to light some interesting elements at play here… Namely, who is allowed to receive pleasure? While some people in our society are more entitled to pleasure, others may find this harder.

Just in the awareness of this, may offer some room, some space, to reduce the feelings of shame and worthiness around our relationship to pleasure. This is my small invitation to let go, even just a little bit, of berating yourself for not being able to relax, rest, and receive pleasure as easily as you’d like to (or think you “should”).

And in the space of letting go, we can hope to allow and receive pleasure in the simplest of ways. Such as the breeze between your toes, or the sound of your cat purring. The more we can practice receiving pleasure in these ways the more we can experience.

Observing the patterns

Coming back to the topic of love, as bell hooks says in her book “to truly love we must learn to mix various ingredients – care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, and trust, as well as honest and open communication…”

She goes on to quote psychoanalyst and philosopher, Eric Fromm, who says “the principle underlying capitalist society and the principle of love are incompatible.”

Similarly, pleasure for pleasure’s sake, is equally as incompatible with the rules of capitalism, which relies on productivity, efficiency, competition, profit.

Yet, pleasure and love at their truest forms, are un infinitely undefinable, priceless, boundless, limitless, expansive, uncontainable. The more you love, the more love there is, the more you open up to pleasure, the more you can experience.

That’s not to say that commercialisation and marketisation of love and pleasure does not exist. Think: Capitalist Romance i.e. Valentine’s Day, the Marriage Industry, Hollywood RomComs, as well as the mainstream adult industries of Pornography, Sex Toys, Sex Work.

Again, to be clear, I’m not here to stigmatise nor add further unnecessary shame to these things - I literally buy into all of these and made most of my career out of these industries, haha). I merely seek to shed a light on the systems and structures of how we are sold love and pleasure.

Though, having worked in these industries, I’m also uniquely aware of the marketing strategies that can at once inspire more love and pleasure, while simultaneously making us feel like we are lacking.

It is sold to us as this thing we cannot access on our own terms, ultimately leaving many of us unfulfilled and craving more, more, more.

• The lie: that there’s never enough…

• The reality: you can access it any time…

Queering love & pleasure

I would define the action ‘to queer’ is to challenge, dismantle, disrupt.

And to return to the incredible mind of bell hooks, she defines “queer as being about the self that is at odds with everything around it and has to invent and create and find a place to speak and to thrive and to live.”

In the process of queering love and pleasure, we can start to look at the socially constructed ways these expansive infinite experiences have been minimised and contained. We can start to create our own definitions that feel true and authentic to us.

The way I often help clients to forge new paths for fulfilling intimacy, is looking at our limiting belief systems and reframing them to create a sense of empowerment.

Just as Judith Butler says: ““gender” is not something that one is, it is something one does, an act a "doing" rather than a "being."“

Relationships can be queered through the act of choosing what want to create, rather than follow society’s rules. Choosing authentic love and pleasure that resonates with your truest Self.

While we ultimately feel love in the doing of loving by unblocking our hearts, there is an art to receiving pleasure that requires curiosity and context, which I plan to share more thoughts on in subsequent Substacks. Leave a comment on what interests you the most about these topics:

• The act of doing of love

• The art of receiving of pleasure

Leave a comment

Going back to those three words you wrote down for “love” and “pleasure” at the beginning, notice how those feel to you now.

Journaling Prompt: What does that actually look like, feel like, smell like, taste like for you? What does it mean to have a love and pleasure practice?

• I desire love that…

• I desire pleasure that…

Now we’ve got some of our thoughts laid out…

Stay tuned for my next post (for my paid subscribers only), where I'll share a more embodied approach to this topic, and a bit more about my personal journey with love and pleasure. This will be for my paid subscribers, where I’ve created a special Genital-to-Heart meditation to help you connect more deeply with your erotic and heart centres to unlock your authentic creativity and loving essence.

[BTW it’s not lost on me that I’m asking you to pay for my tools on learning how to do love and receive pleasure… but here we are living in a capitalist society. Nevertheless, I sincerely hope this will be a soul-filling purchase that teaches you how to do love and receive pleasure on your own terms, rather than one that leaves you craving more.]

Subscribe now to gain access to exclusive content that will support you on your journey to love and pleasure!

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Hello anxious pleasure seeker!

This is a very new venture, so I ask you to please be kind and gentle with me. Hi, my name is Oli, and I’m a sensitive, anxious, bisexual babe who is a little too obsessed with learning about pleasure and love. I have many thoughts about these topics that I’m desperate to share with you.

*If you are receiving this in your inbox, it is because you have at some point in the last 2 years given me your email, either as a previous client, downloaded an e-book, or took part in a giveaway. If you DON’T want to hear from me, I honestly won’t be offended if you hit unsubscribe a the bottom of this page.

To start, I’ll catch you up on how I got to this place - as it's often the first question I get when people find out I’m a Sensual Intimacy Coach. Having studied the history of sexuality and queer theory at university, and worked 7 years in the sex tech industry as a writer and researcher, I decided to create something of my own.

For the last few years, I’ve been coaching people 1:1 and facilitating group workshops on all things pleasure and relationships (more on this later). And it has been so incredible. A journey of highs and lows, ebbs and flows.

As someone who has struggled with my own mental health issues that have impacted my sex and love life, I get how hard it can be. I know the emotional pain that can come with seeking fulfilling intimacy and relationships. And I want to share this with you.

A quick note on sustainability

As a freelancer, and to be totally transparent, my energy and time = money. So while I’ll likely share some free posts, I’m hoping to make this space a sustainable arm of my practice, and will be monetising some of this content.

So, if you feel like this is your cup of (herbal) tea, or if you know someone who might benefit, and you would like to support me by paying or sharing the love!

Subscribe now

I imagine this Substack is going to be a work in progress, subject to evolution, just like my life… I’m trying to be more open to the possibility for change in whatever form it may come. However, I’d like to layout my hopes and dreams for this space.

Here are 5 things you’ll likely receive if you choose to subscribe!

1. Pleasure tips & lessons on love

As I hope the name of the page suggests, (in ode of Love Actually), I’m going to be exploring my thoughts around the relationship between anxiety and pleasure and love; the philosophies, the psychologies, ancient teachings, indigenous practices, scientific research, and somatic tools.

I want to make this journey toward more fulfilling intimacy feel less challenging for you!

2. My journey with anxiety

I’m gonna be getting quite real on here… sharing some of my own experiences. I feel like I put so much expectation on myself, hiding parts I’m afraid of to appear “perfect” and “healed” when in truth, progress isn’t linear and I’ll admit, I’m a totally flawed and imperfect human, coach, friend, partner, lover, etc…

“Shame dies when stories are told in safe spaces.” -Ann Voskamp.

I hope this can be a safe place where some of my masks can be dropped for the chance to connect with you on this journey of mental health.

3. Bisexual thoughts & feels

I identify as bisexual, queer, a person who loves and desires multiple genders. The beauty and pain that has come with this identity and experience is something I feel really in need of sharing in case I can offer solace to others who are feeling the same.

I literally studied the history of bisexuality and queer theory, so I have plenty of knowledge on the topic of sexuality (and yet I still experience imposter syndrome lol - but that’s for another Substack)!

No matter what your sexuality is or how you identify, you are SO welcome here, and I’m always open to loving questions.

4. A community of like-minded babes

As many of you may also resonate with, the world feels increasingly disconnected (or maybe that’s just my feels as I work from home most of the time). I want to create a community that feels interactive. If you have questions or topics you want me to explore, I’m more than happy to hear them!

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Plus your journeys, resources, and experiences are super valuable, and you never know how someone else might benefit from hearing your story!

5. Exclusive access to coaching, workshops, and resources!

And finally, this is also your invitation to connect with me. If you’re interested in diving deeper into this work, I have several offerings for us to work together!

This includes 1:1 coaching through my 2-month Sensual Intimacy Immersion Programme, my online course & e-book Sensual Guide to Sexual Fulfilment (coming soon), and exciting workshops and collaborations for you to enjoy!