100 Days of Making and Writing

As I mentioned in my April/May roundup, I was a bit stuck on my memoir. And then…I played with writing fiction, and, voila! — I was back at it.

What I didn’t mention in my roundup was a very exciting 100 day project I’m endeavoring thanks to ! I have followed her Substack for some time now, but I hadn’t bit the bullet on paying for a subscription.

This changed when this popped in my inbox:

Writing in the Dark with Jeannine Ouellette

100 DAYS OF MAKING & WRITING | A summer challenge that will change how you see everything

We’re gonna do a thing this summer—June 16 - September 22—and it will be both easy and epic, a rare combination…

Read more

a month ago · 131 likes · 76 comments · Jeannine Ouellette

Basically, for 100 days you make something with your hands: cooking, drawing, build, whatever. And then you write 100 words — Jeannine offers rotating prompts for these. If you do it daily, you’ll end up with at least 10,000 words!

She says:

Our senses open up when our bodies get involved. Gradually, memories surface, and the abstract becomes more particular. And particular is what the best writing runs on.

It kicks off on Monday, June 15, and I’m so excited and curious about what I’ll create. Want to join? All you have to do is get an annual subscription to her Substack for $75. There are writing classes that cost more, and she has such a beautiful community you get to connect with.

I’ll share progress updates here as well!

Join me for 100 days!

Building a Childfree Community in a Hyperindividualistic World

I met at a writing workshop, and we instantly clicked — especially around our desire to be childfree by choice. Even though she lived further away from me, we have found ways to meet for Sunday brunch a few times a year. I swear, our meetings could last for days! We talk about being childfree, and she has introduced me to some beautiful concepts around it that I haven’t always heard in the childfree communities I’ve participated in.

I feel like Jackie and I could record all our conversations to share with you all, they’re so juicy. The good news is we are shifting a conversation from brunch to Substack!

JOIN US:

Building a Childfree Community in a Hyperindividualistic World
A Substack LIVE Conversation with and me!
Thursday June 18 at 3:30pm PT/6:30pm ET - add to your calendar here.

We will touch on:

• Freedom and choice

• Accountability and responsibility to the larger community

• Navigating pressure in a late-capitalist society to overwork and prove ourselves

I think this is a great conversation for anyone, whether you are childfree, childless, or have children! We hope to see you there :)

Add to calendar

Okay, I won’t make you wait for it — here’s my BIG UPDATE:

I CAN READ!!!

Let me explain. A couple of months ago, I realized that the letters on store signs and street signs were a wee bit blurrier than they used to be 😅 It was enough for me to make an appointment with my optometrist.

As expected, my distance prescription increased. As not expected, I apparently also have a very slight reading prescription!

As resistant as I was to achieving old lady status (though I gleefully embrace my grays), I read a lot — at least I try to — and when I saw how much clearer the letters were, I was as giddy as I was to get a Skip-It when I was ten years old!

While I wasn’t prepared for the price hike, it almost feels worth it because not only is reading easier, but it’s also faster.

No, it’s not a race, AND it’s a struggle to keep reading lines over and over. The fluidity and the ease and the amazement I feel are unparalleled. I truly feel like a new person! And I can’t wait to read more because…I can read!

Also, in case you’re new here, I’m writing a memoir that centers on my abusive marriage, and I started providing these monthly updates. I had a bold idea a few months ago to do paired reading with annotation, but since I was reading more slowly, I wasn’t sure how it would go. BUT, with my newfound vision, I’m hoping to pursue this vision again.

In today’s post, I’m combining April and May because (1) I traveled quite a bit in April and (2) I made a big life decision in April (3) I didn’t write much in April — all of this made me a bit too exhausted to write.

April and May 2026 in Writing

Memoir Progress

Word Count

April 1: 60,166
May 31: 60,166
Total words written: 0!

Firstly, I paused on summarizing the survey responses about romantic relationships — I think it’s best I revisit them when I’m actually done with this first draft. Instead, I continued to summarize the many emails I wrote to my friend when I asked my now ex-husband for a separation. But, if I’m honest with myself, I only opened my draft two or three times. Then, on May 31, I finally finished these summaries. And guess what pushed me? 👇🏽

Other Writing

As you’ll read next, I’ve been reading a lot of fiction. My mind has been immersed in these stories and characters and descriptions. I started wondering, should I try fiction? It’s wild to think that the last story I wrote was probably “Wally the Volcano” in 3rd grade, and it’s honestly sad that most assigned writing after grade school didn’t really invite the imagination to the page.

For about a month, I created all these ideas in my head about stories I could write, and…I wrote nothing. I finally shared some ideas with my boyfriend to which he responded, “Just go to a coffee shop, look at a person who’s there, and make up a story about them.”

His invitation felt wayyyy less complicated than the complex half-baked plots in my head, so I went for it! And it was so fun! The next day, I finally finished those summaries for my memoir. They say it’s useful to switch things up when you’re stuck, and whoever “they” are, they are right!

In April, I also submitted to the DEAR ALIENS contest - humanity was tasked to write something to aliens who were about to arrive on Earth. I didn’t win, but it was a great creative exercise! Here are the winners - I’m so impressed!

April and May 2026 in Reading

I continue to read Mother Mary Comes to Me and The Karma of Brown Folk, albeit slowly.

Here’s what else I read (Bookshop affiliate links included):

Finished

Before I Forget by Tori Henwood Hoen (audiobook)

I absolutely adored this coming-of-age novel! I was so impressed by Hoen’s economy with words while she expressed so much. If you like witty, endearing, and semi-mysterious books, this is for you!

Breast and Eggs by Mieko Kawakami (audiobook)

This was a meditation on womanhood through the eyes of a Japanese woman who reflects on fertility, class, love, and loss alongside characters who give shape to her own desires. Kawakami recently released another novel called Sisters in Yellow.

Heart the Lover by Lily King (audiobook)

After reading ’s impassioned post about this novel, I had to get my hands (or ears) on it. King’s writing drew me in. It reminded me of Hoen’s writing, economical but expressive. I feel her writing style shaped the protagonist’s character. And the story? Ooof, my heart. And while I don’t want to give anything away (because I didn’t know this when I read it, and it was a cool surprise), it led me to reading King’s prior book, which I’ll share about next.

Writers and Lovers by Lily King (audiobook)

I read the book I share about next after Heart the Lover and before Writers and Lovers, but I had to share about this one! I read HTL first, and I wonder what my experience would have been if I read it the other way around! While this wasn’t paced as quickly as HTL, I still enjoyed it! That’s all I’ll say :)

In the Days of My Youth I was Told What It Means to Be a Man: A Memoir by Tom Junod (audiobook)

Does this title pique your curiosity too? Junod is a journalist, and that is very clear from his writing and research — I also enjoyed listening to his voice! It has a gruff but sweet quality. As I grapple with patriarchy, especially in light of the Epstein Files and the Grape Academy, I listened to this book hoping for a redemptive arc of sorts. There were times I wasn’t sure where it led, but I ended up satisfied while also shaking my fist at the world. When someone you love who shapes you deeply also embodies patriarchy, what’s a boy to do? Read this book and find out. And don’t skip the epilogue!

In the Dream House: A Memoir by Carmen Maria Machado (audiobook)

I kept hearing amazing things about this memoir, especially because it is about abuse in a romantic relationship. This is considered a speculative memoir because she uses “The Dream House” to examine her abusive relationships. This is an especially important memoir because it centers Queerness.

Sisters of a Halved Heart by Nayantara Roy (book)

I met Roy at AWP last year, and I received an ARC of this novel. I read The Magnificent Ruins last year, and I loved her prose. As she did in Ruins, she creates family dynamics that are touching, tenuous, and relatable. I love her knack for witty dialogue. And today is her pub day! I’m so excited to see her tomorrow night at Skylight Books.

Moving into June

Here are my June goals!

• Write 5,000 words

• Finish The Names and Burn the Sea

• Get further in my paired reading

Let’s see how it goes! How was March for your writing and reading? Let me know below!

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What now? I’m still gonna do it! It will just be slower—who knows, maybe I’ll only do these two books all year! I’m also going to attempt to squeeze in some daytime reading before I get too exhausted. I was shaming myself for going at this pace, but the point of this was for me to slow down. I was reminded of this on my morning walk last week. After a meager LA rain, snails abound!

In case you’re new here, I’m writing a memoir that centers on my abusive marriage, and I’m trying to read more deeply through paired reading along with annotating and journaling and reading what tickles my fancy along the way. And I’m also writing essays here that are truly Memoirs of a Nisha.

March 2026 in Writing

Memoir Progress

Word Count

March 1: 59,276
March 31: 60,166
Total words written: 890

I’m at a pivotal point in my memoir, where I ask my now ex-husband for a separation. During this time, I sent several daily emails to a friend detailing what happened and how I felt. That means most of the timededicated to my memoir this month was going through that. I also took a step back because I’m in ’s Revise Your Memoir class, and I’ve been taking more time to determine my essential question— especially as I near the end of my first draft.

But how’s it really going?

I got so many great responses to my survey about romantic relationships! Thank you to those who filled it out. I’m going through all the data, which might take a while, but I’m learning so much!

I’m not sure if I plan to share all the data, but here’s one interesting tidbit.

My first question was: What did you want or hope for in romantic relationships when you were younger? What about now?

1. For the first part, the majority of people responded:

   They expected the “relationship escalator” where you go to college, find someone, get married, have kids, etc.

2. For the second part, the majority of people responded:

   They wanted acceptance.

What do you think about this? Comment below.

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Other Writing

I started a little essay on my phone about my relationships with colors...which also ends up being about my mom. I’m not sure where it will go, but I’m glad I started it! Besides that, the majority of my writing has been going toward my life coaching work in the form of content. I also started a weekly series called “small acts, BIG RIPPLES” where I share one small thing you can do to communicate from a place of self-trust, not self-abandonment. This tip has been getting the most traction.

March 2026 in Reading

I continue to read Mother Mary Comes to Me and The Karma of Brown Folk, albeit slowly.

Here’s what else I read:

Finished

Martyr! by Kaveh Akbar

Wow, I was so touched and floored by this book. I usually love books written by poets, and this one did not disappoint. The audiobook narrator is incredible, and the ending omgggg. You must read!

Whereabouts by Jhumpa Lahiri

I loved that this novel is translated from Italian by Lahiri herself. She shares a woman’s journey to losing herself, finding herself, and knowing herself. This is slower-paced, but I appreciated the subtle but important criticisms of patriarchy weaved together in different places.

In progress

Going forward, I’ll share what I finished reading and what I didn’t finish. It’s much more easeful for me!

Did not finish

The Loneliness of Sonia and Sunny by Kiran Desai

I’ve accepted that I likely won’t return to this book. It’s just not the pace I’m going for lately. I truly believe my ability to just say “not gonna finish this one” is a measure of my self-trust. I don’t think any of us should “should” ourselves when it comes to reading. There are SO many books out there, read what lights you up!

Moving into April

Based on March’s happenings, April will look like…

• Writing 1-2k more words of my first draft after finishing my email summaries

• Finishing Breast and Eggs (I just started it)

• Getting to the halfway point in my paired reading

• Continuing to read Burn the Sea and Take It From Me at my own pace - though I’d love to finish Burn the Sea!

Let’s see how it goes! How was March for your writing and reading? Let me know below!

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In case you’re new here, I’m writing a memoir that centers on my abusive marriage, and I’m trying to read more deeply through paired reading along with annotating and book journaling and reading what tickles my fancy along the way.

February 2026 in Writing

Memoir Progress

Word Count

February 1: 51,484
February 28: 59,276
Total words written: 7,792

But how’s it really going?

As I mentioned in my last post (below), I lost some of my oomph after feeling discouraged about the memoir market. But then I watched this video and everything changed. More here:

I hoped to have my first draft completed by the end of February, especially because I enrolled in a class called Revise Your Memoir, taught by , that started on February 25 . After I realized that wasn’t going to happen, I moved that deadline to the end of March. But even this urgency loosened after attending the first class: Identify Your Memoir’s Essential Question.

A memoir’s essential question is the question your memoir answers.

I thought I knew my essential question: What’s the difference between escape and freedom?

But this class told me I’m probably wrong, in a good way. After talking it out iwth my boyfriend, thinking back to my story, and going through the provided workbook, I came to a pointed conclusion.

I want to approach my memoir by answering a question that I also want the answer to.

Lisa talks about finding a question that hasn’t exactly been answered, especially if you want to seek a traditional publisher. But since I’m open to non-traditional paths, I find it so motivating to create an essential question that’s resonant for my needs as well as my readers’. With that being said, I don’t think Lisa was saying to not do that, but my point is that I’m open to answering a question that another memoir has already answered if it serves what I need.

Based on her suggestion and guidance about defining your audience, I’m reaching out to those people to learn more about them so I can write accordingly. I created this survey for women who are:

• attracted to men

• passionate/ambitious

• values-aligned + social justice oriented

Do you resonate with all three? Feel free to respond to the survey by 3/13! I’m offering gift cards two $50 gift cards as an incentive.

I’m not 100% about my essential question, but I feel it will be in the geography of: “Why did I pedestalize a mean who abused me?” and/or “Why did I believe a man would save me?” Let me know what you think about these in the comments! I’d also love to hear about other memoirs that have a similar thread.

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As for my memoir, I’ve reached the point in my first draft where I have asked my husband for a separation. This period of my journey was obviously very tender and confusing and emotional. I was emailing daily updates to a dear friend who helped me tremendously while I wavered back and forth. I’m taking a pause in writing to compile all these emails in one document — I’m already over 30 pages and have more to go! Because this is such a critical turning point, I want to make sure I represent and convey where I was at, and where I wasn’t at, as honestly as I can. It has been such a trip to read these emails from over 12 years ago! While I experienced massive growth during that time, I realize I’ve grown so much since then as well.

Back in January, I submitted some of my initial memoir pages to a contest that was being guest judged by Roxane Gay. It didn’t make it past the first round, but I’m gladd I put myself out there and submitted. I utilized this submission by also paying to receive feedback, which was well worth it. I’ll be reviewing that feedback more closely after I finish this first draft.

Other Writing

I have an inkling to write and submit some personal essays to get my name out there again. The last essay I published on a platform that wasn’t mine was Monstress back in 2022.

I started an essay about plates that is, of course, deeper than plates. But I’m struggling between following that thread and just wanting to finish my first draft. I think I might focus on the latter since I just wanna be done with it!

After that, I might try my hand at an essay or two to give myself space, get guidance from my class, and switch things up.

February 2026 in Reading

My February reading life was…scattered. While I’m enjoying annotating and book journaling for my paired reading experiment with Mother Mary Comes to Me and The Karma of Brown Folk, I’ve been reading many other books. Since I’ve been doing a lot of walking, audiobooks are perfect for that time. I also want to read physical books without annotating and journaling, which gets me away from my project but also energizes me. So yes, it’s scattered, but I am trying to follow my energy, not my “shoulds.”

Also, in case you’re curious, I use Fable as my book tracking app! I love the user experience. I also respected how they responded when users opposed their AI reader summaries — they heard people out during a Town Hall and banded together to write human-created summaries instead. In case you’re a TV show junkie, you can also track your showed there. And they have TV & book clubs! It felt so special when I learned the founder is a South Asian woman. Btw, I swear they’re not paying me to promote them, hehe.

Speaking of the “shoulds,” I feel like I “should” be reading more connected to my memoir (other memoirs and background reaearch). With that being said, I have to remind myself that Mother Mary Comes to Me is one of those books because of the mother wound connection, so I’ll stop being so mean to myself about it. There are so many great things I want to read! I love that I’m writing my book, but I don’t love feeling restricted to what else I read while I write it. It’s a tricky balance, please let me know if you relate.

Finished

Seven Days in June by Tia Williams

This was a book club pick for the Desi Girls Read LA chapter. If you’re a South Asian woman, check to see if they have a chapter near you - or start one :) While they usually focus on South Asian Authors, they chose a Black author for February since it was Black History Month. I listened to this on audiobook. I don’t usually read romance, but I was sucked in! I loved the narrator’s voice acting. The female protagonist had a chronic illness, and I felt like it was integrated so well without making the book about her illness. It was a sweet love story that explored if and how you can heal in relationship. But that’s all I’ll say!

The Psychology of Money by Morgan Housel

I finished this yesterday, so it’s an honorary February book. I heard so many good things about this book, and, honestly, I felt like I really needed to read it given my fear of wtf is going to happen to our economy with all the things happening in the world. I had high hopes, and they weren’t totally met. He gave very helpful tips, especially about the mind games we play when it comes to money. I also appreciated his historical analysis, but I felt like systemic challenges weren’t addressed as much as I would have liked, especially as to how systemic oppression impacts our mind and relationships. He touched on it in the beginning, but I wanted a bit more.

In Progress

The Loneliness of Sonia and Sunny by Kiran Desai

I was so excited about this novel, especially after hearing this interview with Desai. It was on so many Best Of lists, and I always want to support a South Asian author. It’s quite long, so I started it on audiobook. About 20% in, I started to wonder where the story was going. Then I read reviews about how it wasn’t incredibly plot-driven and could be tangential — I felt relief because I was afraid I was missing something! I also read it might be good to start another book and keep it as a slow read, so I did…and you’ll read about that book in the Did Not Finish section 🙈 I got about 25% through The Loneliness. It’s incredibly descriptive, and I can tell that the characterization is its strong point, but I really needed something more. I don’t want to give up on it yet since it was so praised, but I’m putting it aside for now.

Martyr! by Kaveh Akbar

THIS is the pace I needed! From the get-go, I was wrapped up in this smart writing that took me to so many places! I’m listening to this on audiobook—the narrator does an incredible job giving voice to the main character Cyrus. I always wonder how I’d receive a fiction book if I started the physical copy first instead of hearing the narrator—would I be as enraptured. I’m guessing with this novel I would considering how many people loved it. I ended up pausing this novel because I got a 7-day “skip the line” access to The Psychology of Money, but I’m looking forward to finishing it in March.

Take It From Me: An Agent’s Guide to Building a Nonfiction Writing Career from Scratch by

I heard about this book, but I was convinced to order a physical copy when hosted Alia a few weeks ago. I’ve only started this, but I can tell the practical, realistic advice straight from publishing professional she interviewed will be beyond helpful. I love Habib’s direct, pragmatic approach that has a dash of much-needed humor.

Mother Mary Comes to Me by Arundhati Roy and The Karma of Brown Folk by Vijay Prashad

I’m keeping these together since I’m reading them together. I thought I’d be further down the road with these, as I wanted to provide an halfway mark update on my favorite quotes for those of you who voted that way in my poll! However, this might happen in a month or so, and I’m coming to terms with accepting that as A-OKAY!

Roy’s themes of violence, loving the Earth, rebellion, and complicated relationships feel familiar and distant to me. Prashad speaks about a reality of Desi immigration that his close to him, affirming so much I have felt in my body. Both authors and books are ideologically compatible with different modalities. I look forward to continuing them!

Burn the Sea by Mona Tewari

I received my first ARC ever because I contribute to ’s imprint Boundless Press from Bindery Books. This is a historical fantasy, another genre I’ve never read. But WOW, I’m so blown away already! This book reimagines the Portuguese attacks on South India in the 1500’s. I love the South Asian references, the strong female characters, and the tension. Even though this is set in a time so long ago, it feels so at home.

Did not finish

A Passage North by Anuk Arudpragasam

I’m usually not a DNF’er, and I honestly blame myself. I knew I wanted something faster paced after starting The Loneliness of Sonia and Sunny, but this was the wrong pick. I even knew this based on the descripton and recommendation from . It is such a curious book about the trajectory of close, and not-so-close, relationships and the politics of Sri Lanka. The writing so descriptive and thoughtful, and a big part of me still wants to know where the story goes — but I gotta go with my momentum right now!

Moving into March

Based on February’s happenings, March will look like…

• Writing 5-7k more words of my first draft and defining my essential question

• Finishing Martyr!

• Getting to the halfway point in my paired reading

• Continuing to read Burn the Sea and Take It From Me at my own pace

Let’s see how it goes! How was February for your writing and reading? Let me know below!

Leave a comment

From the beginning, I’ve said that I’m publishing this thing, even if I have to self-publish it. I now know that this perspective has been the problem.

Last week, I attended a hosted event with , a literary agent who just wrote Take It From Me: An Agent's Guide to Building a Nonfiction Writing Career from Scratch, which I quickly ordered while I listened to her wisdom. Memoir Nation is also a great podcast hosted by , co-founder of the hybrid publisher She Writes Press, and . During the talk, Brooke shared her Ted Talk called “Green-Light Revolution: Your Creative Life on Your Terms.”

I watched it a couple of days later, and it honestly changed my life. Brooke shares her experience in the traditional publishing industry and how she became disillusioned with it once it started to reject the diverse voices she wanted to succeed and who deserved to be heard!

It’s not just memoir that’s hard to publish — the gatekeeping in traditional publishing is real. This is why Brooke offers the idea to “green-light yourself” instead of waiting for someone else’s permission. (Seriously, watch it.)

When I started writing my memoir, I wasn’t too busy worrying about if an agent would like me enough. I said, “I just want to focus on the craft.” But of course, my ego wanted an agent to be blown away by my query letter and story! Last year, when I reached over 10,000 words and felt comfortable to email some agents, I received rejections and a few responses saying I needed a bigger platform.

As a business owner who already promotes herself quite a bit, I was torn because I knew had the skills to share on social media, but did I have the energy? I went for it and doubled my TikTok following. But I still don’t think it’s “enough,” whatever that means. I wondered if I had enough followers who would consider buying my book. Or should I invest more time on my Instagram or from this Substack?

I had no idea, and it was exhausting.

I felt discouraged that my memoir, which is not the “memoir plus” or “speculative memoir” that seems to be all the rage, might not have a chance. This gave me the sads.

I started brainstorming how I could make this a part-memoir, part-personal development because of my coaching background. Or maybe I could make it speculative based on a “what if?” question that echoes in my mind. But all of this scheming was to make my book more appealing…which means I’m making it more appealing for the market. Is that what I wanted?

The good news is that Brooke’s Ted Talk absolutely turned my frown upside down. Her message leveled the playing field. When I said I was going to publish it, “even if I have to self-publish”, those words in and of themselves said, “self-publishing is the last resort” or, if I’m really honest with myself, “self-publishing is for losers.” Of course, I don’t think that for others who self-publish because I love to root everyone else on! But I am my own worst critic. I saw the Big 5 as the ultimate goal that beat out any other options, and it made me worthy as a writer. I’ve known this has been a block for me, but I hadn’t found a way around it. Why can’t I stop judging myself if I don’t judge others? Even with all my life coaching tools, I still wanted the prestige of being accepted into the upper echelons of the literary world.

But guess what? Brooke’s message was clear. There isn’t just one literary world. There are many! I have people in my inner circle and even my parasocial circle ready to pre-order my book the second it becomes available. I have friends and family in my corner. I’ve inspired at least two South Asian women to write their own memoir! (Honestly, that brings big, beautiful tears to my eyes!)

My book is worthy. My story is worthy. I am worthy.

And you are too.

I don’t need a Big 5 publisher or independent press to accept me to prove that to myself.

Maybe I’ll self-publish. Maybe I’ll submit to She Writes Press. Maybe I’ll get an agent and a Big 5 will LOVE my story. Or maybe I’ll publish it behind a paywall here. Who the heck knows?

Brooke’s message was a green-light in itself. A meta practice in giving myself permission to keep writing, and to put myself out there beyond my writing endeavors as well. When I green-light myself, I accept myself. My truth, my fears, and my fullness.

I have no idea what’s in store for my publishing journey, but I do know that I feel renewed to continue my memoir, focus on my craft, and see where it takes me.

Have you felt this pressure or lack of worthiness too? Share in the comments.

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(and comment with other ideas!)

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ICYMI: Catch up on what, why, and how I’m pairing these books.

Start here 👇🏾

ICYMI part 2: I read books, connect the dots, and apply them to my life because it’s the best way to live.

If you want to connect the dots and have the relationships you’ll need amidst the horrors, get my free resource: 7 Tools to Cultivate Revolutionary Relationships in a Dystopian World

I did it! I started annotating both Mother Mary Comes to Me by Arundhati Roy and The Karma of Brown Folk by Vijay Prashad.

In my last post, I shared how I created annotation and book journaling systems for both of them.

In the video below, I live-annotate the first two pages of each book. Below the video, I share some notes and changes I made for my annotation system, follow-up links, and the super duper quick poll.

Reading aloud while annotating while sharing with you required more multitasking than I realized! But it was a good practice. This is a pretty straightforward annotation! I start by reviewing my annotation system I’m using. Then I start annotating the first two pages of Mother Mary Comes to Me and move on to annotate the first two pages of The Karma of Brown Folk at the 7:35 mark.

Even though I am going deeper and slower, I find myself moving through these books at a decent pace, especially given that I was traveling abroad last month! Annotating really keeps me focused and interested in what I’ll learn and the connections I’ll make.

What’s Not in the Video

After annotating and editing the video, I wanted to share a few things I realized after recording. Overall, I love having the ruler to guide me while reading! It keeps me from getting distracted, it acts as a paperweight, and it helps me underline easily. This Virgo loves all that practicality!

Mother Mary Comes to Me

General notes

I jumped the gun a bit with annotating the “Earth” theme. I feel like I’ll notice themes along the way, not on the first page 😆 Though, adding the “Death” theme made sense because I already know this book is about Roy’s mother’s death, so I want to notice when she specifically talks about it.

Annotation System Changes

In Mother Mary Comes to Me, I chose to have five annotation tabs:

• Key Moment

• Quotes

• Emotional Resonance

• Themes

• Insights → New Ideas

After reading a couple of chapters, I noticed I wasn’t highlighting key moments, but I wished I could highlight the beautiful metaphors she uses. This is something common in memoir—so I changed “Key Moments” to “Metaphor” because I feel like a lot of the key moments are the ones with emotional resonance. I’m also ADDING a tab for foreshadowing because, in my experience reading many other memoirs, I think this is an important writing technique that keeps the reader curious about what will happen next. One of my favorites, with incredible foreshadowing, is How to Say Babylon—here’s my review:

My final tabs for Mother Mary Comes to Me will be:

• Metaphor

• Quotes

• Emotional Resonance

• Themes

• Insights → New Ideas

• Foreshadowing

Karma of Brown Folk

General notes

I’m giggling because I only realized after I edited the video that the title The Karma of Brown Folk is parallel to W.E.B. Dubois’ The Souls of Black Folk.

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Follow-Up Links

Speaking of both of them, I wanted to a few links I saw recently from each of them.

• In this reel, Arundhati Roy talks about how we are inundated with too much information: “You don’t need all this information. You don’t need to know everything about everything…You need to know the Earth, your neighbors, the birds, the dogs…”

• In the wake of Noam Chomsky being in the Epstein Files, Vijay Prashad shared his thoughts in “On the Emails Between Jeffrey Epstein and Noam Chomsky”.

• Also, Vijay Prashad talks about Deepak Chopra’s assimilatory fakery in the first chapter of The Karma of Brown Folk! I made a reel about it here. I just happened to read that chapter last week after the next set of Epstein Files was released. There’s also a future chapter where he expands upon it. As a reminder, this book was published in 2000, so I’m glad someone was calling him out. It’s just awful so many children and women were harmed in the meantime. As always, please take care of yourself, especially if you’re a survivor.

POLL TIME

I have a few ideas for my next post! But what do you want to hear about?

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I think about how we relate to each other all the time. These books are no exception. I created the 7 Tools to Cultivate Revolutionary Relationships in a Dystopian World based on what I read, learn from others, and my client work. If you want some simple but profound tools for your relationships, get it for free here. You can more about my life coaching work here.

What’s most important here is that this is a living project, and I might change my mind! Also, please comment with any other suggestions for annotating or book journaling. And share this post with any of your annotation and bookish besties if they want some ideas :)

Below is the video, a summary of what I shared, and links to love!

Video Summary

What I’m doing

I’m sharing my annotation and book journaling systems for one memoir and one non-fiction book: Mother Mary Comes to Me by Arundhati Roy and The Karma of Brown Folk by Vijay Prashad.

Why I’m doing it

I’m doing this so I can think more deeply about books, increase my critical thinking, and reduce brain rot (see Jananie’s Anti Brain Rot Reading Challenge in the links!) — and ultimately this will help me while I write my own memoir!

Annotation Systems

I’m no annotating expert (even though I’m a Virgo haha). Most of what I’ve learned has come from my own random underlining and marginalia, as well as from watching YouTube videos, most of which focus on fiction. I’m adapting this to memoir and non-fiction.

I’m using book tabs, which include a ruler I’ll use for underlining—I have always underlined —and I think using highlighters with different-colored book tabs might be a bit much. I also might change my mind about this!

Here are the tabs I’m using for each book!

Mother Mary Comes to Me

• Key Moments

• Quotes

• Emotional Resonance

• Themes

• Insights 👉🏾 New Ideas

The Karma of Brown Folk

• Main Idea

• Concepts/Definitions

• Quotes

• Dive Deeper

• Insights 👉🏾 New Ideas

There might be overlap—I can see Dive Deeper and Insights 👉🏾 New Ideas being similar—and I might change things up based on what I notice as I annotate.

Book Journaling Systems

I took some of this from and her Critical Media Journal video (highly recommend!)

• I’m going to journal by chapter after I finish each one.

• Before I started, I wrote expectations for each book.

• Each chapter will have sections for:

  • Thoughts

  • Words I don’t know

  • Quotes

• If I need more pages, I’ll just skip to future ones. If I run out of pages in the journal, I’ll add another journal!

Links

• Book tabs on Amazon

• Bookshop links

  • Mother Mary Comes to Me

  • The Karma of Brown Folk

• by

  • Anti-Brain Rot Reading Challenge

  • Critical Media Journal

Okay, comment and let me know what you think, and letme know if you have any other suggestions.

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Because I also want to know what you see that I don’t!

I started Memoirs of a Nisha to review memoirs while I write my own, but I feel a pull to read more deeply through annotation and book journaling while connecting it to personal growth. If you know me, personal growth is also collective growth because systems impact us, and how we respond impacts how we relate to systems and the beings within them.

My plan

To do this, I’m pairing books: one memoir and one nonfiction book (not a memoir) with similar themes or perspectives.

First up? I’m pairing Mother Mary Comes to Me by Arundhati Roy and The Karma of Brown Folk by Vijay Prashad.

I’m pairing these two because Roy and Prashad are politically aligned and both South Asian—I wanted to meet the magic that comes from reading this memoir about Roy’s mother and Prashad’s analysis of the model minority. I have no idea how these two will coalesce, conflict, or parallel, but I love to connect the dots to literally anything. So let’s try!

I’m also encouraged by from , whom I initially found on TikTok! She talks about pairing books together to read more critically, and through a feminist lens, and it made me excited to see more people talking about this, not just at a surface level, but by analyzing how dominant ideologies and the inclusion (or exclusion) of marginalized voices impact the story we tell ourselves and each other.

What I’ll do and what I’ll share

• What I’ll do:

  • Annotate each book

  • Create a book journal

  • Make connections

• Share with you:

  • My annotation and book journaling systems

  • Live video annotations for the first couple of pages of each book

  • What came up for me in my book journals

  • Write related essays with personal and cultural reflections to spark some ideas for you too!

This is a living project. And I’m excited to share more!

Next up: I’ll share how I’m annotating and book journaling these two books.

What do you think about this pairing? Have you read either of these books? Comment below.

Same. But herein lies what “what if” we could wish for everything, especially as of late.

What if James Baldwin went on the road with Jack Kerouac? Would Kerouac have defended Baldwin when racism inevitably reared its head? Would it have been a bestselling book if there was a queer Black character? Would this have even been possible during that time?

What if Israel stayed true to a ceasefire? Would there be a Bondi Beach shooting during a sacred Jewish holiday? Would Palestinian families lives be further upended by windstorms and and more genocide?

What if substance abuse wasn’t stigmatized? Would Rob and Michele Reiner be alive? Would people give armchair analyses to Nick Reiner on the internet? Would I still be married to my substance abuser husband?

What if Kamala won? Would there have been an actual ceasefire? Would people have more access to evidence-based healthcare? Would AI tech bros still be People’s “Person of the Year”? Would trans people feel the need to flee the country?

Making it make sense

The fact is that capitalistic, heteropatriarchal, classist, ableist, and colonial structures make what people call “senseless” violence quiet sensical. We might not like it, but there’s plenty of evidence to why this happens when you look at systems and understand emotional and physiological responses to trauma and privilege, instead of picking at individual behavior. While harmful behavior is never okay, there are reasons people enact violence, and some systems excuse it while others punish it based on the divisions they create.

Instead of flattening horrific events as “senseless acts of violence” which can often absolve us of any responsibility, I ask different questions:

• How can I engage with this news and with others who are receiving this news from a trauma-informed lens?

• How do power structures facilitate this type of violence?

• When I react to the news, what are my trauma responses? How do they reflect internalized capitalistic, patriarchal, and colonial ways of thinking?

• What am I feeling in this moment? What do I need? Am I expecting that others have to meet my need? Am I meeting myself where I’m at?

• If I think about this from a lens of interdependence and relationality, what happens to my judgments?

• What is my responsibility?

If you invite yourself to ask different questions, you will find yourself not just being a witness to what happened by a part of it as well. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s real.

I believe being honest about whose voice is amplified, whose is quieted, and how that upholds racial, gender, and class norms is all of our responsibility.

I never read On the Road because I always felt averse to reading literature with white male protagonists whether I was conscious of it or not—and based on the feminist critiques of his book, I wasn’t wrong. But as I flew from Los Angeles to Japan for a six-week trip, I felt compelled to watch the documentary. Perhaps because I was going to be on the road for awhile too, perhaps because I just love watching documentaries about writers (I could probably watch Toni Morrison: The Pieces I Am over and over and never get tired of it) and definitely because I had a few hours to kill before landing wand nothing else looked appealing.

I appreciated learning more about Kerouac’s working class upbringing and the discrimination he faced being a French-Canadian—I wasn’t aware this existed. The documentary also talked about his queerness and his love for all people, while simultaneously being a Mama’s boy whose female characters were quite objectified in his writing.

As women and Black folks (separately and together) pointed out in the documentary, being on the road during that time came at a high cost for their safety. While he had his hardships, Kerouac’s privilege enabled On the Road to be the bestseller it was, even if its popularity led to his tragic alcoholic downfall.

What also struck me were the three stories that were brilliantly incorporated into telling Kerouac’s story.

One was about a soon-to-be college student, a young Black man living in Philadelphia who won a scholarship to a private grade school and, because of his success, takes a road trip with his family to for his first days attending Morehouse College in Atlanta, the first in his family to attend. In this story, we see a hard working mom who fears for her son’s life everyday in Philadelphia. We see a man who lost a dear friend because he was shot. We understand how attending a predominantly white institution in his formative years impacts his identity and belonging. He reflects about how his ancestors fled to the north for safety, and how he was now returning to the site of their enslavement while striving to feel more connected and receive an education from an HBCU.

Another story was about an older retired queer white woman who left her family at 18, only visiting her parents twice after that. She shares about the homophobia she experienced with her family and her success as a business owner. After being able to reconnect with her mom before her death, she takes a road trip to see her estranged father who physically and verbally abused her with no idea about the outcome. She calls this a gift for herself, to be a good daughter, and a gift for him as well.

And the last story was about a couple, a Black woman and Cuban-American man, who is a veteran from the Iraqi war. They decide to live a van life on the road after becoming empty nesters. They earn income from being on social media, and while you see their joy on the outside, you also see their difference, their tension, and how they keep choosing each other in their relationship, while wondering if choosing each other is a choice or a sacrifice, especially from the perspective of a Black woman who has given so much as a wife, a mother, and a worker, and she just wants to feel free. While sharing about her two adult Black sons, she says, “This country isn’t good enough for them.” This statement struck me because when you usually hear this description, it’s usually about a romantic partner, a relationship where many of us have agency. But you can never escape the tentacles of America, whether you live in the country or not.

What do Americans want?

While visiting India a couple of years ago, a cousin asked me, “What do Americans want?”

I had to laugh at the question as it came from someone who lived in the most populated country in the world which is also visibly divided by caste, class, religion, and gender. India is not a monolith nor is America—which is exactly how I answered the question.

If this documentary were to answer that question, I think it wouldn’t just say “it depends” but it would also ask, “What does the person who’s answering this question feel like they need to do to survive?”

After I landed in Tokyo, I heard about the tragic Bondi Beach shooting and shocking murder of Rob and Michele Reiner, shortly followed up by the fact that a Syrian Muslim man stopped one of the shooters, who was also Muslim. I also learned that Reiner’s son who, according to media, has schizophrenia and substance use challenges, was arrested for murdering his parents.

There is so much nuance in this world, and this nuance exists within structures of domination. It’s easy to spin off the Bondi Beach massacre as a terrorist act by Muslims, but when a Muslim man also risks his life to stop it—where does that leave us? It’s easy to talk about how “crazy” Nick Reiner looks in a photo, but when you have a loved one in your family with mental health and substance abuse issues, what happens when you dehumanize them?

I’ve been thinking about all of this while arriving in Tokyo, buying items to furnish my boyfriend’s apartment while he’s on sabbatical here for the next seven months, eating delicious meals for less than $10, and sitting on the cleanest toilets ever.

I needed this reset after a season of burnout from work and significant stress from other commitments I’m not paid for. I could tell I was way beyond capacity because my perimenopause symptoms were on blast for two weeks instead of the normal two days in early November. Yet, I am living comfortably while the world continues to respond to power relations everywhere while the the orchestrators of domination never take accountability.

I feel oddly decontextualized from life in Japan. I can be an observer without participating in the patriarchal norms or the business culture of overworking. I get to enjoy cheap food and tax-free joy while complaining about why things are so friggin’ expensive in the US.

I’m practicing capturing Japan with my boyfriend’s super nice camera. I’m going to eat every egg salad sandwich I can get my hand on. I’m going to resist buying into kawaii culture even thought I want all the things. I’m enjoying myself, and I don’t feel bad about it—even though there’s so much bad everywhere.

I need the joy if I am to sustain myself and my mission.

But this won’t last forever. When I return, I’ll be hit with reality from every angle. Rising costs of food, running my own business after a tough year, and ongoing attacks from a sociopathic administration toward the people who need the most empathy and support.

I’m also using this time to rethink how my business can feel more like a regenerative ecosystem as I close out my fifth year as a life coach and speaker. How am I expressing myself? Whose story do I get to tell? Whose stories am I unable to tell, and how can I lift up the voices who are systemically silenced? When do I jump to pointing fingers instead of understanding, and decide who and what I support?

What is my responsibility?

When I ask myself, “What is my responsibility?”—here is my answer:

I cannot be responsible for everything and everyone, but I can decondition from my own internalized patriarchy and colonialism that comes from being a cishet daughter of Indian immigrants who were welcomed into the United States but still discriminated against.

I can be the embodiment so you can bring more possibility into your life. More joy. More discomfort that leads you to grow. More rest. More difficult conversations that invite relational intimacy. Less people pleasing, less keeping yourself small, and less disconnection, because together we face how systems want to keep you small so they can stay in power.

I can break down literature, the news, and culture so you can never forget that we exist in relationship with each other and the systems around us while staying curious about the nuance that creates multifaceted shapes.

I don’t have to read books by white men, and I can appreciate their value in the canon while expressing myself as a testament to all the shapes that were designed to be left behind.

I can tell you what Americans want only if you tell me what you want. And if you can’t, I’ll guide you to understand why it feels so hard. And we will answer the question together.

It makes sense

Many acts of violence might not ever make sense to some of us. And we have to face that many make complete sense when you look at the bigger picture. We are all part of the equation, even if we weren’t part of the incident.

I get it, taking responsibility for even more than is on our plate can feel impossible. You do not have to save the world, this is a collective effort. You don’t have to do it all, but you have more power than you think. Don’t let the overwhelm convince you otherwise. Start small and ask different questions.

After all, you are a beat of this nation too.

What’s next?

• Analysis and connections between Mother Mary Comes to Me by Arundhati Roy and The Karma of Brown Folk by Vijay Prashad on this Substack!

• Get on my waitlist for my signature group coaching program, Meet Yourself. I plan to have a BIPOC-only group in 2026!

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Exciting. Scary. Productive.

I thought this would be just what I needed to finally finish the first draft of my memoir about my divorce and my mother wound. I started back in Fall 2024 and wrote around 17,000 words by the end of this August. Now, I am typing around 3,500 words a week!

While I’m thrilled to get more words on the page and get this baby closer to publication, I’m noticing an unintended consequence of writing 10 pages a week: I’m not editing myself.

When you have to type 10 pages a week, you click the Delete button less—who woulda thunk it???

My default mode was to type, then strategize a bit, and perhaps read back on what I typed before, and then type some more. Basically, I was trying to perfect it on the first draft.

I utilized Marcella’s one-on-one support right away because messiness scared me! She assured me that when we write, our most brilliant bits come after page 8…and they also come from just typing it all out.

This made me face myself. How I’ve been holding my words hostage, telling them when and where they’re allowed to go, and what they should wear when they leave!

Is that any way to treat your story? Especially when you’re writing about trauma?

NO.

In fact, this control mimicked how I felt in the marriage I’m writing about. What better way to heal than to allow my language to exist on the page without judgment?

In my professional work as a life coach, this is exactly what I tell my clients! You have to turn toward your feelings as they are. If you’re mad at them and, as a result, mask them, they don’t get a chance to live, grow, or evolve.

In Radical Collapse, I can let my words be alive. I can embrace the ick (at least I’m trying). That’s where the magic is.

Releasing comes first. Editing comes later.

Because erasing and manipulating where your story lives is just another way to deceive yourself.

I’ve done enough of that, and my next chapter grows from my gnarly roots, feeding me from within.

What have you noticed with editing yourself on the page? What’s your process? Comment below!

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P.S. I’m hosting a FREE workshop called How to Break Up with Codependency (and finally figure out who YOU are) this Wednesday, 10/1 at 4pm PT/7pm ET. You should come! You also get a chance to win free coaching from me if you attend live. REGISTER HERE.

I saw it and felt attacked 😅 I know I’m not the only one who avoids work, whether it’s the task I’ve been putting off or the relationship conflict that has been building or just getting in my own damn way.

After my divorce, I learned that unless I face myself, my past, and what’s in front of me, the sticking points in my life will keep popping up like a game of Whac-A-Mole. One day, it was in people pleasing in my relationship, another day it was with tying my worth to how much money I make, and other days it’s choosing to fight with my mom or connect with her.

Sometimes the seeds that grow into and around you are planted from your own life, and some are from generations before, but they are still yours to tend to…even if you don’t want them in your garden.

I no longer go through my day avoiding myself because I’ve connected to my triggers instead of trying to make them go away. I’ve released my morning anxieties by free journaling. I’ve asked myself some hard questions. I’ve integrated what’s in my mind into my body and vice versa.

Pain isn’t inherently bad. It is a message, and facing it with curiosity and softness is the medicine.

As I’m writing my divorce memoir, I find myself excavating memories that shock me, not because of how utterly ridiculous they are but because I would never be with someone who treated me like that again. It’s not just because I went through it once, it’s because I took steps to stop normalizing and minimizing my pain.

When I stopped avoiding, I stopped absorbing others’ ideas of me. I caught my anxiety spirals instead of flailing in them. I created practices to sustain myself so I wouldn’t keep putting myself in the self-critical thought loops that were really the voice of capitalism—and my mom.

“You made a mistake, you are a mistake!” became, “How can I love you while you move through this?” It became, “Oh, silly you! You made a mistake!” It became “Would you talk to your best friend like this?”

Writing is medicine for me, but being with my discomfort is also medicine. Being seen by others who have similar experiences is also medicine.

This is why I don’t stop at writing. I curate experiences and spaces for a different kind of storytelling. One where we can step into bravery and share together…even if that means just showing up. Because that is often the first step.

My next space will be on October 1. It’s called How to Break Up with Copendency (and finally figure out who YOU are). And it’s free.

REGISTER HERE.

I’ll also invite you into the second cohort of Meet Yourself at the very end. Some people choose to continue their story with me in a more intimate space, and others leave my workshops to take a different step. All are welcome!

If you show up live, I’m also giving away a free coaching session. If you can’t attend live, you’ll receive a replay.

Please share this with someone you love who says “it’s no big deal” but needs a nudge to make themselves bigger.

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The memoir sat on my bookshelf for the last four years, and each time the audiobook became available on Libby, I was reading something else. Last week, it became available at the perfect time, right when I was between books, so I dove in. I finished it in a few days, and I’m so happy to have a new favorite memoir!

The book dedication reads “For my father, Joe Schactman. And for everyone living with an absence.” After listening to the last words of this memoir, I felt this dedication in my bones. Not just because my own father died, but because it made me think about how so many of us have absences we long to better understand.

What I loved most about this memoir is that it’s so visually descriptive that I could picture it as a movie. From the way she describes what people are wearing, traversing New York City, and even conversations on the phone, I could see it all. And seeing it all, while navigating grief, tugs at your heart in ways that are beyond visceral.

The descriptions of her journey to create a new chapter with her father, while sharing about how her grief showed up as a child, while connecting it to addiction, art, and coming-of-age, shifted my own being.

I’ve always loved Lilly’s voice itself. Her writing, as well as her teaching and editing style, evokes a raw, direct, and reflective tone that gets to a truth, one that means something to the writer and connects to the reader. And, it was lovely hearing her actual voice narrating the memoir as well!

Speaking of the truth, Dancyger navigates telling someone else’s story beautifully. This is an art in itself, one that is tricky from a technical standpoint but also a relational one. In her “Author’s Note,” she writes, “I did my best to find something like the truth in the in-between spaces.” describing how the stories she collected while researching this project contradicted each other at times. She continues, “I realized that even if I could have interviewed my father directly, I still wouldn’t have gotten ‘the truth,’ whatever that even means. So this story is a truth—one of many.”

I see her sharing these truths in the ways she imagines her own scenes for the parts she could never truly know about, which felt so dreamy and curious from my reader’s perspective.

Here’s a paragraph where she imagines her father responding to an ex-girlfriend’s death:

“I pictured him sitting in the sand on an empty beach in jeans and a flannel shirt, staring out at the moonlight reflecting on dark waves, wondering what he could have done differently to save her, taking big swigs straight from a bottle of tequila. And waking up in the morning, baking in the sun, his mouth as dried out as the sand, his pockets looted, the memory of the news he’d gotten the day before as harsh as the morning sun.”

Not only does this showcase her vivid and raw writing, but I also got to know more about Lilly through her eyes, based on the memories and nostalgia of her father and the conversations she had with his friends and family. And it shows that, in many ways, we all create these scenes in our heads for the things we may never know about. We try to fill in spaces in order to make sense of it all, to connect the dots based not just on what we know about what someone used to wear, but their behavior, emotions, and how environment is also part of the story.

For Lilly, New York City is the environment she grew up in and knows like the back of her hand, even through all of its urban changes. The city itself wasn’t just a backdrop in this memoir, it was a character. For me, connecting place to the story is challenging for me to write about. So I’m taking notes and lessons for this in my upcoming memoir!

Speaking of my writing challenges, another one is dialogue. While I listened to this memoir on audiobook, I referenced the physical copy for this review. One thing I noticed was that there weren’t huge chunks of dialogue, and this gave me such a massive sense of relief!

Instead, Dancyger weaved bits of quotes and some dialogue into her descriptions and reflections, which flavored the dialogue in a way that felt like more than enough. This showed me how a memoir can be published without having the level of dialogue I assumed I needed. Her reflections and non-quoted responses played off the dialogue so well that it was a seamless experience that advanced her investigations externally and internally.

Here’s one example of a section where she does this beautifully:

Becoming increasingly desperate as I thought about the urgency of this need to collect, I mentioned somehting to my mother over the phone about my plan to start attempting to consolidate my father’s archive. She agreed, “We should definitely do that.” I balked. I had never said anything about “we.” (These are mine!)

This was something I had to do myself, I stumbled to explain; my father’s work is my legacy and it really didn’t have anything to do with her, his ex-wife. She pushed back, offended, feeling excluded, not understsanding why we couldn’t just do it together. Like Hercules’ mother wanting to help him fight the lion.

“If he’d had a will,” I said through clenched teeth, “you wouldn’t have been in it.” I was angry, resorting to a reminder that they hated each other for the last several years of his life.

“That’s not the point!” she yelled, starting to cry. I was silent on the other end of the line, waiting for her to collect herself, willing myself not to say anything even more cruel.

Finally, calmer, she said, “You know, even when things were bad with us, there was a part of me that always thought we’d still end up together.” She wanted me to understand why she felt like it was her legacy, too. But the harder she pushed, the more I shut down. I’d felt so cut off from her for so long, it was too late to become a “we” now that she wanted in on somethng that felt so clearly mine.

I felt this conversation through the parts that were not quoted as much as the parts that were. This gives me hope for how I can integrate dialogue into my memoir.

Another beautiful aspect of this memoir I didn’t see until I finished the book and grabbed the physical copy is the photos of her father’s art included throughout. Throughout the memoir, Lilly describes and ponders how his art connects to moments in their lives, along with adding personal reflection. This felt special, and it made me wonder about my mother, who is also an artist. She is aging but still alive, and it makes me want to ask her more questions about her artistic process. Since my memoir will also be about my mother wound, I’m curious what that can tell me more about her and how it will deepen my understanding of our relationship.

Negative Space takes you on a journey where Dancyger finds herself wanting to find a new way to grieve her father, to “bring my relationship with [my father] into the present of my life; learning to see him in a new way so that I could mourn him in a new way.” Through his art, interviews with her father’s friends and her mother, navigating her teens and young adulthood without him, and deep personal reflection during the years of her wanting to understand what to mourn, Dancyger discovers something different, a new step along the way (which I won’t spoil for you my dear reader!)

Have you read this memoir? If not, it’s time to add it to your list!

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And while I’m blessed to have learned so much, it came with horror and despair—and they weren’t really getting me anywhere except looking and feeling a bit like Charlie.

All I could think about was how a culmination of climate crises was coming for us sooner than we collectively wanted to believe. Coupling this with the fact that I barely know which way the wind blows, last Christmas, my thoughtful and practical boyfriend bought me a gift certificate for Wilderness Core Survival Skills training at California Survival School.

I finally attended last weekend, and, while I’m still working on the wind thing, I know how to make a shelter, I understand what to prioritize to ensure my physical endurance, and so much more.

I hoped to learn more about the psychological and somatic safety aspects they advertised, given my background as a life coach and facilitator about trauma-informed care. It wasn’t very thorough in this aspect, but I took one tidbit away that I’ve been repeating to myself ever since: oxygen is the enemy of adrenaline.

We all know breathing is helpful, especially when you’re panicking, but it’s easy to forget this when you’re constricted—I tell my clients this all the time. I guide them through grounding exercises. I teach them about the nervous system. I use terms like polyvagal, sympathetic, co-regulation, and adrenalized.

But for some reason, “oxygen is the enemy of adrenaline” framed what I knew and practiced in a brand new light. I love when this happens, but I didn’t want to like it because it sounded like a standoff between sworn rivals. I prefer to envision human needs and safety as a beautiful ecosystem, not a manifestation of the military industrial complex.

And yet…

When I think oxygen is the enemy of adrenaline, I picture rapid red and yellow firebombs of adrenaline shooting upward in my body while the spacious flow of oxygen inches closer. Adrenaline doesn’t notice the gentle breath approaching because it’s more concerned about the emergency it perceives! Meanwhile, the cloud of cool air envelops the red-hot sparks of “hurry up!” and, suddenly, the urgency dissipates, shrinking into the the oxygen mist that says to adrenaline, “There’s nothing over there, be with me.”

When you attune to your breath more than your racing heart and thoughts, a mindful battle begins.

I wonder what it would be like to think of oxygen and adrenaline as partners. What if we visualized oxygen secretly pollinating adrenaline? It is the body’s ecosystem after all. Ultimately, I think this new phrase works because when you’re in that moment, your body is sensing a threat, and it jumps to defend you. And sometimes the language of deep ecology isn’t accessible because you need to meet your body where it’s at—and, when it gets adrenalized, it’s gearing up for battle.

I woke up in the middle of the night last week, and my heart was racing. The fan above me was on its highest speed. Yet the air that flowed toward me, gently blowing my bangs, didn’t bring any ease to my body.

Oxygen is the enemy of adrenaline.

I started to breathe. While the chaotic fire in my body scurried about, I was able to control my breath.

Short inhale. Long exhale. Short inhale. Long exhale. Short inhale. Long exhale.

I repeated this until I felt a slowness in my chest. I placed my hand over heart in gratitude for what my body does for me and for what I do for my body.

An intentional confrontation might initially feel like a battle, like enemies who want to tear each other down. That is, until you see they both have power to support and save you. Sometimes, all you need is to understand your rhythms and discern the best way to bring yourself back home.

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My next cohort of Meet Yourself, a space for women and gender non-conforming folks who were socialized as “good girls” and “perfect daughters” but lost sight of their own needs, starts again in mid-October. Get on the waitlist to get an exclusive discount and early access to bonuses! Join here.

Each morning, I scrub my cats’ wet food dish with a cat-shaped scouring pad my boyfriend bought me from Japan.

With harsh cuteness, I scrub against the dried, curled up chicken pieces that my cats left behind. I release streams of hot water from the kitchen faucet, watching it slide down the sky-blue ceramic dish as I scrub, while also attempting to do it quickly in order to be a good citizen and conserve water. This is also why I switched to a scouring pad from a plastic scrub brush with a suction cup at the end of the stick—it wasn’t getting the job done, leading to even more water loss!

Scouring was more thorough, but it still required me to use my nails to get the littlest bits off—until the other day.

The other day I thought to myself, why am I in a rush? What if I fill the dish with a layer of water and let it sit over the bits? Ironically, this “slowing down” was also an effort to balance between feeding the cats their breakfast while hovering the stove and making my own.

Slowing down to hurry up.

So that’s what I did. I filled the dish with a quarter inch of water and let it sit in the wet food dish as I sprinkled parmesan cheese over my over medium fried eggs and flipped my turkey bacon, all while adding a new Celestial Seasonings Bengal Spice teabag in my Anthropologie cat mug (it’s my favorite, not just becuase my bestie gifted it to me for my birthday but beause the handle is actually the cat’s tail!) and grabbing a fork to eat my brekkie.

After arranging the eggs, turkey bacon, avocado, and blueberries on my plate and carrying it to my coffee table to eat while I turned on the TV to watch some Abbott Elementary, I remembered the lil dish sitting in the sink (and I heard Sonya’s meow for attention). It had been about ten minutes since I let it sit in the water, so I didn’t think the chicken bits would be that loose.

But lo and behold! I tilted the dish up from the left side and the water slide down with the most of food.

All I had to do was let it sit.

Not only did I save water, but I saved effort to scrub it (and the life of my kitty scouring pad!)

I couldn’t help but see this as a lesson...

When do I try to force clarity when I just need to let things sit?

I can’t count how many times I’ve asked myself, “What’s wrong with me?” after I was triggered or exhausted or stressed.

NOTHING WAS WRONG WITH ME. I just needed to let myself sit! And be! And not see myself as a problem but as a process, a marination, a rooting, a waiting. My little bits just needed some cushion to soften and loosen. To make space for the nourishment on its way to me.

It is my wish that whatever compelled me to let water sit in the wet food dish generalizes into my excited ideas and my triggered anxieties. My deep existential dread and dissociative numbness.

All of it just needs to sit in its bits for a little while.

When have YOU tried to force clarity when you just need to let things sit? Comment below.

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1. I’m hosting a free workshop on Wednesday, 7/9 called You’re Not Being ‘Nice’ You’re Being Invisible: A Workshop for People Pleasers Who Are Ready to Be Seen. After reading this review, you won’t be surprised why I’m offering it. REGISTER HERE.

2. I’ve been sharing my experiences as a South Asian divorced woman on TikTok! I’m getting excellent traction and making beautiful connections, so if you’re a writer looking to grow your platform for your memoir OR you relate, follow me @healinghypegirl. I’m also considering offering a paid Substack tier to share more about how I am growing my platform, would you be interested? (If you choose “Depends” please lemme know what you’d like to see!)

   ---

I read Good Morning, Destroyer of Men's Souls: A Memoir of Women, Addiction, and Love by because I was on the hunt for comp titles for my memoir. Even though there are memoirs about addiction, memoirs about abuse in romantic relationships, and memoirs about the mother wound, I found it hard to find them all in one. And while Aron’s memoir doesn’t focus as much on the last one, it does have a family and generational element I found compelling and connects to my mother wound focus. I am not here to speak for Aron as to whether she felt abused; however, I found some similarities in her relationship, as well as many differences that felt like her memoir was less about abuse and more about addition, where mine is the other way around.

In case you missed it, here’s the working logline of my memoir:

After waking up to the realization that she has drowned her identity in an abusive marriage, a South Asian American woman wrestles with leaving her alcoholic husband while untangling patterns from her childhood that led her into his arms in the first place. Written as a letter to her mother, this is a story about learning the difference between escape and freedom and healing the wounds that pull you away from your voice.

Thoughts? Feelings? Comment below :)

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I haven’t seen any memoir with a South Asian perspective on all of the above (but feel free to let me know if you know of any). Aron’s memoir, however, covers a mix of addiction, family, and codependent patterns more than others I have seen (and if you have recommendations, comment and lemme know!)

Good Morning, Destroyer of Men’s Souls starts out with Aron sharing about her romantic relationship with an old boyfriend, K: “the disease he has is addiction…The disease I have is loving him.” She leaves her husband, with whom she has two kids, after K walks back into her life. Initially, I thought the memoir would only focus on their romantic relationship, but I was mistaken. The book opens this way, describing their passionate connection, one we all might wish for but also might regret.

The memoir soon transitions to her family—specifically to her older sister’s addiction challenges. She shares how it impacted their family, her parents’ marriage, and her childhood. While she shares this, she also shares researched information about codependency itself. This part resonated with me deeply because my memoir will include this aspect as connected to my mother wound as well as my marriage. And tbh, given my work as a Liberatory Life Coach who talks about codependency all the time (ahem, come to my free workshop on July 9!), I’m a little embarrassed that I haven’t fully read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, which Aron references several times.

Aron’s writing is honest and cheeky. You feel for her, you want to shake her, and you are curious about her. I mostly listened to this on audiobook, and her voice has a seductive quality that increased my curiosity. As a goody-two-shoes girl myself, I saw Nina as the cool girl in high school who worked at the record store (which is where she meets K) and who didn’t give a fuck, even though she did. Nina’s story made me wonder about those girls I had some jealousy toward because I had no idea what they might be dealing with at home…or in their hearts.

Aron described the joy and tension between her sisters, her parents, and between them with specificity and care. There was dysfunction, and there was love, and there was feminism. Despite how “women’s struggles and women’s dreams” were a theme in her childhood home, codependent patterns pervaded Aron’s (and her mother’s) relationships. And I understood this so deeply: how strong women hold the remnants of men’s dreams and how loving your family blurs the line between what is and isn’t yours to do.

I started healing from my own codependence in Al-Anon, which Aron also researches and describes in detail in this memoir. My experience with Al-Anon differs from Aron's in that I took to Al-Anon immediately, soaking up the support and knowledge like an acolyte. I will share how Al-Anon was a haven for me, marking the beginning of the end of my marriage, though I would never have guessed it at the time. Aron moves through it differently, first critiquing it and then later finding it beneficial.

The description of K’s addictive habits, dislike toward her friends, and insults to her personhood were palpable, and I related hard. It’s so easy to ask, “Why would anyone want to be in a relationship like that?” Hence, wanting to shake her. But wanting to shake her was a reflection of me wanting to shake myself. I shared how difficult it was to write about falling in love with my ex-husband during my recent writing retreat. There’s a lot of shame after knowing better, but there can be a lot of compassion once you realize how you got there. And I hope to be able to describe this as well as Aron did in this memoir, not just to improve my craft but also to deepen my healing.

One part I didn’t expect, perhaps because I was mirroring my story so closely as I read, was Aron’s struggle with drinking. I appreciated her honesty and humility as she moved through her own ways of coping and surviving so that her needs could be met in the best way she knew.

Oh, and the title? It comes from radical temperance crusader Carrie Nation, who opposed alcohol before Prohibition, taking a hatchet to alcohol-serving establishments. She said, “Good morning, destroyer of men’s souls” when greeting bartenders (this makes me giggle). Aron shares this history mid-book, around the time I really started to wonder how the memoir got its name—and around the time she gets divorced. It felt like an apt time to share the title’s origin as she transitions from her marriage to diving back into her relationship with K. The ups, the downs, all with equal intensity.

I loved how this memoir closed. While I won’t provide any spoilers, it was a testament to perpetual growth and perpetual care, as well as the holes we fall through along the way.

Have you read this memoir? What do you think?

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I judge and accept myself when I admit this because I recognize how I grew up and entered a marriage with a strong ‘pick-me’ energy.

As a Brown girl who only felt valuable for being smart and representing the model minority, I compromised myself so a boy, any boy, would like me.

• I acted like I loved Phish.

• I faked orgasms.

• I canceled plans with my best friends to hang out with him.

• I drank less for him.

• I drank more for him.

I traded in my NO for “it’s easier to keep the peace” or “it’s not that bad” or “you just don’t understand him.”

My “niceness” was self-cruelty. I pretended to facilitate harmony, but it was a facade. Just because everyone praised me for being accommodating doesn’t mean it helped me.

I had so much compassion and empathy and so much love for the male gaze that I made myself invisible. I blended into their world because I didn’t respect my own.

Then my eyes opened, and I saw myself. I saw how I had bent my wholeness into a pretzel of his making because I wanted to fit in. I forgot that I already belonged.

I write about meeting myself because I spent years hiding. I teach others to meet themselves because patriarchy, capitalism, and colonialism have breathed the fire of you’re not enough into our minds and bodies, and I will not stand for it anymore.

If you've found yourself disappearing into the male gaze and overgiving, only to burn yourself out, I see you because I am you. People-pleasing, fawning, pretending—it has protected us and helped us to belong, until it didn’t.

And it’s why I’m hosting a free workshop on July 9, called You’re Not Being “Nice” You’re Being Invisible: A Workshop for People Pleasers Who Are Ready to be Seen"

We will talk about:

• How being invisible is hurting your relationships and how to stop

• Why caring for other people's feelings isn't empathy and what it's costing you

• Simple tools to stop shrinking without wanting to run away so you can advocate for yourself and have more aligned relationships with reciprocity

It’s time to stop abandoning yourself and start remembering who you are.

If this resonates, or if you’ve felt this tension in your own life or writing, please join! I’m giving away a free coaching session if you attend live, and I’m announcing a new program that will hold and witness you.

REGISTER HERE

With care,
Nisha 💜

• How can I make money and not deal with the bullshit?

• How can I avoid my strength because I’m tired of needing it?

• How can I escape what I want to escape when I need to escape doing the consistent, boring thing that has to be done?

Who doesn’t love an easy way out? A secret passageway? An answer, above all answers, that reveals to you the secret ONE WAY.

Wouldn’t it be so sweet to have the happily ever after that makes context disappear?

The thing that soothes the anxiety that brings your shoulders to your ears and creates chains in your neck.

The easy way out is about what I want to control so I can say, “This is it! Let me spend the next thirty minutes doing this instead of the consistent thing I know gives results but takes longer, but since I can’t control that outcome, I’ll do this instead.”

The easy way out is, “I won’t make this a big deal because it isn’t worth the hassle, so I’ll just keep quiet, but I’ll definitely resent this later and explode at some point.”

Being consistent means I have to surrender the easy way out.

Control is a myth.

It’s a detachment from reality that wants to bypass the birds and the bees and the trees.

But sometimes, I want to isolate and do my thing, hoping no one’s pesky hands get in my way…especially the hands of free markets and the scarcity it requires. Not just in my work but in my relationships too.

There’s timing for everything, but is that why you’re avoiding the thing? (or are you just avoiding it?)

I have to work within the ecologies that nourish me and the ones that try to convince me I’m not enough. Why is the latter so much louder?

Because the former isn’t a threat.

What does survival mean when you’re being sold the lie of never enough? It’s easier to activate your inner Hungry Hungry Hippo to chase after random new marbles than to remember what’s already within.

Are you hungry? Or do you struggle to remember there’s enough?

Do you want something new? Or do you fear intimacy with what’s right in front of you?

Easy way outs are an illusion.

Transformation takes time, discomfort, and finding the droplets of enough within and around you.

I know they are there. So do you.

What is your easy way out?

If you want to stop relying on that easy way out, come to my free workshop You’re Not Being ‘Nice’ You’re Being Invisible: A Workshop for People Pleasers Who Are Ready to Be Seen on July 9 at 4pm PT/7pm ET. REGISTER HERE.

Because people pleasing is an easy way out sometimes too, especially when you know it is making you perpetually hide.

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We are in debt to the Earth, do you know? This is how I give back, how I turn away from the gaze of a man.

I am here for my fullness, my thickness, my strength.

I will dress myself for the body I have, the shapes that make me. The short torso, the long legs, the belly bulging over.

Now that I decided, I think I love myself. I think I’m not scared of being enough.

I don't want to be small. I don’t want to look like my high school senior picture. I will not hide in the past.

I accept the versions of me along the way. The one who tried to be a voiceover artist. The one who downed 5-hour ENERGY in the middle of the night in a bar bathroom because he’d be mad if she yawned while his favorite music played. The one who sat by her dad's hospital bed in India as his infection spread and took him away. The one who realized she didn't love her husband anymore. The one who ate happily when she met someone who didn't ask her to be who she wasn't.

I wasn’t her, even when I listened.

I am all of me. I am this brown skin.

Come see my scars, my ashy legs, my thighs when they meet.

Who told me to hate myself? Who colonized my mind?

No, no, no, I can't do this anymore. I can't tell my body it's not enough while I tell my people they are. “You have to meet yourself where you’re at"- I tell the truth now. I promise.

Lift the clothes off their hanger homes and pray for the dust upon them.

Have a nice trip. It’s time for you to fly.

I’m already home. My body is all mine.

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I had six full days to write. I took one day off as a break and to celebrate my cousin’s birthday with him.

Logistical plans:

What I planned before the retreat:

1. I have a few friends in Seattle, so I scheduled two lunches and a dinner with them to hang out and break up my day.

2. I knew I’d spend Sunday with my cousin since it was his birthday.

3. I would not take on any huge work tasks. But occasional emails and small tasks were acceptable.

4. Wake up and work out, even for a 15-minute workout.

5. Have breakfast at home.

6. Journal in the mornings.

Writing plans:

By the time I started the retreat, I had written three chapters, around 10,000 words. Here’s what I wanted to do:

1. Edit three chapters based on what I wrote as well as a friend’s feedback.

2. Start Chapter Four.

3. Start my book proposal.

4. Notice what my writing flow was, including:

   1. How long would I write per session and all day? I assumed I’d write no more than two hours per session based on past experience, but I wasn’t sure how that would extend to the day.

   2. Would I gravitate toward writing my book proposal or memoir?

   3. Would I also want to write something else, like a Substack or another essay?

5. Read Good Morning, Destroyer of Men’s Souls by Nina Renata Aron, This American Ex-Wife by Lyz Lenz, and Writing as a Way of Healing by Louise DeSalvo so I could be connected to content (Good Morning will likely be a comp title for me) and connected to how writing is healing!

   Thanks for reading Memoirs of a Nisha! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

How it went (and what I didn’t expect)

1. I kept my plans with my friends. I was correct in my assessment that it was a great way to break up the day. However, I’d make my lunch plans either late lunch or coffee around 1:30/2pm. I felt like I got a good groove in the morning and then around 11/11:30am I needed to start getting ready to meet my friends. But it was amazing to see them to connect with other humans and support my writing flow.

2. My cousin’s birthday was a beautiful day in Seattle. We took the ferry to Bainbridge Island and went to Bloedel Reserve, lookout points to see Mount Ranier, and the Bainbridge Island Museum of Art.

3. I stayed true to not working much. I worked out three mornings, had breakfast at home, and journaled half the mornings.

4. I started my retreat by editing the first three chapters. I finished going through these edits in the first two days.

5. After editing the first three chapters, I worked on my book proposal. I watched ’s resourceful class about this through The Unexpected Shape Academy. After working on the overview section for a couple days, I felt a tension between my creative writing and marketing voices. While I think they are both “me”, I’ve focused so much on marketing my liberatory coaching in the past few years. Because of this, I stopped working on my proposal and continued writing my manuscript. This way, when I return to my book proposal, my creative voice will drive the marketing, not the other way around.

6. I thought I’d be ready to start chapter four, but I needed to add more detailed to chapter three about how I fell in love with my ex-husband. This proved to be more challenging than I thought. It’s not easy to return to feelings that have vanished and are rooted in codependence. I felt shame for falling in love with someone when there were so many red flags. I intellectually know why I did, but returning there and feeling it is not the same knowing. This is why integrating the mind with the body is so important. In Rest is Resistance: A Manifesto, Tricia Hersey defines rest as anything that connects the mind and body. This is probably why…

7. I needed naps. I didn’t expect this, but because of this shame and emotional re-connection, my body needed rest. Part of me wondered if I took naps because I could—I didn’t have scheduled meetings and I wasn’t expecting myself to do my typical work. But I know the emotional toll impacted my body. I typically wrote for two hours in the morning and one hour after my nap.

8. I needed snacks. For better or worse, Trader Joe’s was a three-minute walk from my cousin’s place. I had all the snacks at my disposal, which was lovely but a little too tempting. But nourishment is essential! While I’m not sure if I can guarantee this snack placement in the future, it helps to have a snack plan!

9. I wrote on Substack. Having something else to write about helped me stay in my creative voice while switching tasks. I wrote a book review about Crying in the Bathroom by Erika L. Sánchez, and I also wrote a list about how I haven’t felt enough based on a somatic teacher’s prompts.

10. I read a couple of the books I brought. Good Morning, Destroyer of Men’s Souls was mainly for getting ready in the morning. I listened to it on audiobook, and I referenced the e-book while writing because of its helpful reflections about codependence. I ended up reading This American Ex-Wife on the plane rides. I didn’t touch Writing as a Way of Healing. I think that book is better for before- and after-care.

11. Research took more time than I expected. “Research” for my memoir has mostly been going through old emails and Gchats (I will be thanking Gchat in my acknowledgements!), and I even had to reference Google Maps once. It took time not only to find and read through but also to emotionally process. Hence the naps.

12. Writing Accountability Group shout-out! In case you don’t know, I host a 2x monthly Writing Accountability Group (WAG) where we meet for one-hour on the first Tuesday and third Fridays of each month. You can sign up to join here; there’s no requirement to attend all of them, come when you can! I added three 2-hour pop-up sessions during my retreat, which were well attended :) Thanks to those who came and made moving through all the writing easier. I’ll also shout out this LoFi Creative Writing playlist that came along for the ride.

Post-retreat reflections

I loved returning to my creative voice. I feel like she’s a part of me I’ve neglected, and she needed sweet hugs and attention. I love me for remembering her. I left Seattle feeling very afraid to abandon her again, especially because I had to get back to work. While I LOVE my work, building a business is no joke. I worried that shifting to my marketing voice meant I’d forget her.

But she is always there, it’s just that the voices have different intentions and postures. I needed a few days post-retreat to return to my marketing voice, but I’ll say hello by writing more on Substack and for my memoir. In the future, I’ll also be sure to give myself a few days to transition back. This quote is also inviting me to just keep writing, one word after the next…

Conclusion

I will be taking more self-facilitated retreats like this to give my creative voice the solo time and spaciousness she needs. This was an incredibly helpful trip to figure out my baseline, what worked and what doesn’t. I look forward to new experiences and lessons the next time around.

As a healer who always integrates somatics, I’ll explore more practices to support my body before, during, and after I write, especially because of the surprise shame that came up. Naps are great, and there are other ways to integrate the mind and body. Do you have any suggestions? I’d love to hear it in the comments!

What have YOU learned from my reflections? Share in the comments.

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