Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:20: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:50: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

4:10: What is our relationship to this movie?

• Vanity Fair article in which Nora Ephron admits that she’s trolling us

What the movie gets right

7:00: (Eli) Low expectations are a double-edged sword, but feeling like we’re settling is a bad sign

• We like people who are selective but nonetheless choose us study by Paul

• Expectations for future relationship satisfaction study by Dr. Baker

• Love is not blind, but prescient study by Dr. Murray

9:40: (Paul) Ideals and relationship well-being

• High expectations cause people to see their partners positively study by Dr. da Silva Frost

11:30: (Paul) When we experience potential kismet moments, we see what we want to see

• Motivation to be accurate vs. motivation to reach a preferred conclusion review by Dr. Kunda

• Motivated cognition in relationships review by Dr. Lemay

13:20: (Eli) Relationships thrive when close friends and relatives support it

• Social network support and relationship success by Dr. Sprecher

• Family and friends support study by Dr. Lehmiller

16:30: (Paul) People who are happier in one relationship are a little bit happier in the next relationship

• How relationship satisfaction changes within and across romantic relationships study by Dr. Bühler

Misconceptions in the movie

19:00: (Paul and Eli) Two harmful ideas are in the movie’s tagline: (1) one-and-only beliefs and (2) love-at-first-sight beliefs

• The tagline: “What if someone you never met, someone you never saw, someone you never knew was the only someone for you?”

• Soulmate beliefs are linked to breakup study by Dr. Knee

• Soulmate beliefs are linked to declining relationship satisfaction study by Dr. Gander

25:15: (Paul) Children of widowed parents often have reservations about the parent starting to date again

• Adults’ mixed feelings about their bereaved parents’ new relationships study by Dr. Nice

• Re-partnering—for any reason—is often hard on kids review by Dr. Anderson

27:00: (Paul) The breakup of a serious relationship tends to be protracted and distressing

• Relationship dissolution is among life’s most distressing experiences chapter by Dr. Lee

• Staying in the relationship for the sake of the romantic partner study by Dr. Joel

Expert Corner: Yuthika Girme

30:10: The time-course of grief recovery tends to be nonlinear

32:55: It’s normal for a widow to remain in love with their deceased partner while also feeling love for someone new

36:00: Being single carries a stigma, but the nature of that stigma varies by gender

40:20: Single women tend to be happier than single men about their single status

42:00: The experiences of lifelong singlehood vs. widowhood are likely to be quite different

“Are we ok with this?”

44:40: (Eli) The film normalizes pretty severe stalking behavior

45:00: (Paul) Why are we mocking people for liking a movie?

45:45: (Eli) Interesting questions about artists’ social responsibility emerge from the fact that Nora Ephron sought (through this movie) to mess up people’s beliefs about love

Relationship Quotes!

48:20: (Paul) Yum, tiramisu

49:00: (Eli) One person’s nightmare is another’s fantasy

What do we wish we knew?

49:40: (Paul) How does infidelity transpire as a series of small, incremental steps?

50:40: (Eli) When are we able to convince ourselves of something are trying to make ourselves believe?

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:15: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:30: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

3:40: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

6:50: (Paul) Fledgling relationships can bring out the attachment anxiety in anybody

• The attachment system in fledgling relationships study by Paul

9:05: (Paul) The tendency for romantic relationships to emerge out of friendships is larger in LGBTQ contexts

• Friends-first initiation study by Dr. Stinson

12:00: (Eli) Sexual awakening in adolescence tends to involve a blend of exhilaration and humiliation

• Sexual shame review by Dr. Coates

• A sex-positive framework for research on adolescent sexuality review by Dr. Harden

• Sexual communication, relationship satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction meta-analysis by Dr. Mallory

18:00: (Paul) Age-discrepant relationships are more common in LGBT contexts

• The matching patterns of same-gender and mixed-gender couples study by Dr. Jepson

• Online dating reduces age-discrepancies for same-gender couples study by Dr. Park

22:05: (Eli) Relationship partners build meaningful microcultures—a distinct culture for the two of them

• Relationships as microcultures preprint by Dr. Rossignac-Milon

23:20: (Paul) People merge identities in close relationships

• Inclusion of the other in the self study by Dr. Aron

24:45: (Paul) Gay children benefit psychologically when their parents approve of their sexuality

• Parental support in the lives of gay, lesbian, and bisexual individuals study by Dr. Goldfried

Misconceptions in the movie

26:25: (Paul) It was rare, in the 1980s, for a parent to respond so supportively to their gay children

• In 1985, 89% of parents would be “upset” if their child reported being gay or lesbian (a number that dropped to 39% by 2015) survey by Dr. Gao

28:00: (Paul) It’s not true that we have less to offer new partners as we age

• Multiple relationships over time study by Dr. Buhler

29:35: (Eli) It’s normal to sustain sexual desire for our romantic partner into middle and old age

• Sexual desire declines, especially for female targets, in online dating and other marketplace contexts study by Dr. Bruch

• But not on first dates study by Paul

• Most people feel sexual desire for their partner, even well into older ages study by Dr. Sumter

“Are we ok with this?”

34:45: (Paul) Passionate feelings are sometimes implicated in cruel or careless behavior

38:05: (Eli) When does free-range parenting tilt over into recklessness?

Relationship Quotes!

40:00: (Eli) Special connections are about the special combination of the people involved

43:00: (Paul) On the etymology of apricots

What do we wish we knew?

44:20: (Eli) When is the experience of intense romantic passion beneficial vs. harmful?

46:00: (Paul) When, why, and how do we try to make ourselves feel less intensely in love?

• Attraction to others is linked to greater desire for our current partner study by Dr. O’Sullivan

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:25: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

3:05: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

4:35: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

6:45: (Eli) Anger can blind us to the connection opportunities right in front of us

• Anger often masks more vulnerable emotions review by Dr. Johnson

• Anger, but not hurt feelings, is linked to destructive conflict behavior study by Dr. Lemay

• Anger undermines perspective-taking study by Dr. Yip

10:40: (Paul) The willingness to die for a cause is rare, but less so among people who have endured shared difficulty

• Dying for the group review by Dr. Whitehouse

• Identity fusion and sacrifice study by Dr. Swann

16:10: (Eli) Relationship partners can bring out the best in each other

• The Michelangelo phenomenon review by Dr. Rusbult

21:35: (Paul) The power of resistance against oppression

• Obedience and disobedience to authority study by Dr. Milgram

23:55: (Paul) Romantic attachment motivates proximity seeking and using each other as a secure base

• Love as attachment review by Dr. Shaver

• The romantic partner as a secure base study by Dr. Feeney

Expert Corner with Laurie Santos

26:00: (Laurie) On the pursuit of a pleasurable life vs. a meaningful life

• Joint importance of hedonia and eudaimonia study by Dr. Giuntoli

29:05: (Laurie) Shared memories and experiences pack emotional power

• Couple-defining songs paper by Dr. Harris

Misconceptions in the movie

36:15: (Eli) People aren’t great at predicting their future emotional reactions

• The misprediction of regret study by Dr. Gilbert

• Choices are hard when two options are equally good, but for incomparable reasons review by Dr. Chang

42:05: (Paul) The depth of the Ilsa/Rick connection in Paris is implausible given that they avoid self-disclosure

• Self-disclosure and intimacy review by Dr. Reis

“Are we ok with this?”

44:45: (Paul) How should we think about Ilsa’s Rick/Victor dilemma?

45:35: (Eli) Is the movie implying that good men are entitled to their preferred woman?

47:30: (Eli) When is it acceptable to hide unpleasant truths from our partner?

Relationship Quotes!

51:20: (Paul) He’s just not that into you.

51:45: (Eli) Sometimes it feels like we love somebody too much.

What do we wish we knew?

52:10: (Paul) When we feel jilted or hurt, when do we take it out on other people in our lives?

53:00: (Eli) Would most people rather be admired or romantically desired by their beloved?

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:15: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:50: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

4:00: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

7:40: (Paul) The demand-withdraw pattern is less about gender than about challenges to the status quo

• Gender, social structure, and demand/withdraw study by Dr. Christensen

• Demands and withdrawal in newlyweds study by Dr. Vogel

10:10: (Paul) Many of the things couples fight about don’t actually have resolutions

• 69% of conflicts are intractable review by Dr. Gottman

11:20: (Eli) Relationship power emerges from the level of fulfillment we can provide (or withhold)

• Relationship power and the principle of lesser interest book by Dr. Waller

• Inequality in emotional involvement study by Dr. Sprecher

• The relationship power inventory study by Dr. Farrell

14:30: (Paul) During conflict, we continually confront the choice to escalate or de-escalate

• Negative reciprocity and contempt in marital communication review by Dr. Gottman

18:00: (Paul) Perspective-taking is beneficial in negotiation because it helps to identify win-win solutions

• Why it pays to get Inside the head of your opponent study by Dr. Galinsky

• People expect generosity in negotiations with romantic partners study by Dr. Ramirez-Fernandez

20:50: (Paul) External, almost random, events can reverberate in a relationship across time

22:40: (Paul) Negative behaviors tend to be more powerful than positive behaviors

• Bad is stronger than good review by Dr. Baumeister

24:00: (Eli) Claiming the mantle of victimhood can be a power-play in relationships

• Victimhood: The most powerful force in morality and politics review by Dr. Gray

• Narcissistic people claim the mantle of virtuous victimhood study by Dr. Ok

• The psychology of competitive victimhood review by Dr. Noor

28:00: (Eli) Giving gifts can sometimes include elements of coercion

• Why certain gifts are great to give but not to get review by Dr. Galak

• Reflected appraisals from gifts study by Dr. Ashworth

30:00: (Paul) Essentialized beliefs about gender differences are linked to relationship difficulties

• Gender-essentialism and relationship maladjustment study by Dr. Eidelson

Misconceptions in the movie

31:30: (Paul) Parenthood is much more challenging than it appears in this movie

• The trauma of parenthood essay by Eli

33:45: (Eli) It’s hard to retain self-respect if our partner is treating us cruelly and doesn’t make amends

• The doormat effect study by Dr. Luchies

• Certain forms of criticism are tantamount to psychological abuse study by Dr. Straus

“Are we ok with this?”

40:00: (Paul) The advice that “the personal is the political” is risky for relationship well-being, but so is being oblivious to political realities

41:20: (Eli) Are the messages this trilogy sends about relationships likely to be helpful vs. harmful for viewers’ own relationships?

Relationship Quotes!

44:50: (Paul) It’s important to seize moments during conflict that can de-escalate

47:55: (Eli) What does “true love” look like?

What do we wish we knew?

48:45: (Paul) Is it productive to think of domestic labor discrepancies in terms of “social loafing”?

• Social loafing meta-analysis by Dr. Karau

50:20: (Eli) What is the right etiquette for re-litigating conflict?

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:20: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:40: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

4:00: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

6:40: (Paul) Couples need to be able to adapt as the individual partners change over time

• The vulnerability–stress–adaptation model review by Dr. Karney

• Personal self-expansion study by Dr. Carswell

11:00: (Paul) Our “self” is different in our different relationships

• The relational self review by Dr. Chen

11:30: (Eli) We’re more likely to behave unethically when various aspects of our self are in conflict

• Low identity integration feels less authentic and increases unethicality study by Dr. Ebrahimi

15:00: (Paul) Women are penalized more than men for leading in an autocratic way

• Gender and the evaluation of leaders meta-analysis by Dr. Eagly

18:00: (Eli) We work harder and excel more when a task feels identity-relevant

• Identity-based motivation review by Dr. Oyserman

19:00: (Paul) We recoil when we think we might be moving toward our “feared self”

• Self-discrepancy and affect study by Dr. Carver

20:30: (Eli) Our friends are sometimes motivated to knock us down a notch if they think we’re becoming too full of ourselves

• Tall poppy syndrome review by Dr. Feathers

Misconceptions in the movie

20:00: (Paul) Couples who sustain this level of communication difficulty tend not to get a happily-ever-after

• Communication avoidance and relationship distress study by Dr. Christensen

26:25: (Eli) People who are especially threatened by a partner’s changes tend to have low self-concept clarity

• Self-concept clarity and partner change study by Dr. Emery

Expert Corner with Paige Harden

27:50: (Paige) This film arrived in an era of intense cultural discourse about whether/how women can “have it all” (captured a few years later in dueling books from high-powered women)

• Lean In book by Sheryl Sandberg

• Unfinished Business by Anne-Marie Slaughter

31:20: (Paige) Women feel pressure to dress appropriately at work

• Clothing judgments and gender stereotypes of professional women dissertation by Dr. Lower

“Are we ok with this?”

42:45: (Paul) The movie traffics in fatphobia (perhaps as a critique of the fashion industry, but still…)

43:15: (Paul) “No means yes” WT-actual-F?

43:40: (Paul) Does this sort of abusive leadership actually promote excellence?

44:55: (Eli) The movie has a delightful appreciation for the value of a professional work ethic

45:45: (Eli) How should we behave if we believe that our partner is losing their moral compass?

Relationship Quotes!

47:30: (Paul) Stanley Tucci conveying hard truths

• Regulatory effectiveness support study by Dr. Zee

49:30: (Eli) “The person whose calls you always take? That’s the relationship you’re in.”

50:10: (Paul) Meryl Streep delivers a sick burn.

What do we wish we knew?

50:50: (Paul) How should we support our friends’ professional growth?

52:10: (Eli) How should relationships adapt when one partner changes in a meaningful way?

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:20: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:20: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

3:55: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

7:15: (Eli) Breakup can yield emotional carnage

• Understanding attachment, separation, loss, and recovery review by Dr. Sbarra

• Longing for ex-partners out of fear of being single study by Dr. Spielmann

• Complete narratives aid breakup recovery study by Dr. Kansky

10:35: (Paul) Short-term, casual relationships can’t fulfill human’s fundamental need to belong

• The need to belong review by Dr. Baumeister

12:05: (Eli) In communal relationships, we aren’t seeking strict reciprocity in response to our kindnesses

• Attraction in communal vs. exchange relationships study by Dr. Clark

14:05: (Paul) It’s not a great sign if we don’t know why we’re with our partner

• Listing more positive than negative qualities is easy study by Dr. Showers

• Thinking our partner has positive qualities is a good sign study by Paul

Misconceptions in the movie

15:35: (Paul) Men are every bit as interested in getting into a serious relationship as women are

• In 12^th grade, boys (more than girls) want to get married eventually study by Pew

• Romantic relationships matter more to men than to women review by Dr. Wahring

20:50: (Eli) It’s hard to have a good relationship if we’re not interested in learning about our partner

• Being a responsive partner requires that we be understanding, validating, and caring review by Dr. Reis

23:20: (Paul) There’s no compelling evidence that women trade looks for money

• The illusion of exchange in partner selection study by Dr. McClintock

Expert Corner with Vanessa Bohns

25:20: (Vanessa) It’s very rare for people to break off an engagement

• The social pressures that make us feel compelling to follow through on a commitment book by Vanessa

• Cold feet study by Dr. Lavner

29:10: (Vanessa) People can misattribute serious doubts as something more benign: cold feet

• Misattribution of arousal study by Dr. Schachter

33:40: (Vanessa) The grand romantic gesture in this movie—the airplane song—is a-ok (because it is in the service of atonement).

“Are we ok with this?”

38:20: (Eli) Lots of awkward punching down

39:40: (Paul) The movie normalizes sexual harassment

41:15: (Eli) The movie only passes the Bechdel test on a technicality

42:35: (Eli) Under what circumstances is it acceptable to ask a friend not to date somebody

• “Self-insight badge achieved”

Relationship Quotes!

46:55: (Paul) Van Halen gets jinxed

47:35: (Eli) On sex-partner inflation

• Changes in American adults’ sexual behavior and attitudes study by Dr. Twenge

What do we wish we knew?

49:05: (Paul) How can we best support a heartbroken friend?

50:10: (Eli) How often is a first kiss a total game-changer?

51:15: (Eli) It’s a minor (and beautiful) miracle that couples stay together across decades despite all of the changes they experience

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:10: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:30: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

4:05: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

7:05: (Eli) Humans are motivated to help a “moral patient” who is being persecuted by a “moral agent”

• Dyadic morality review by Dr. Schein

• Empathy and helping review by Dr. Eisenberg

9:05: (Paul) People tend to be romantically attracted to potential partners who need their help

• Providing social support may be better than receiving it study by Dr. Brown

• Love me, because I rely on you study by Dr. Teng

14:35: (Eli) Nathan and Ava both exert power over Caleb, but they use different types of power

• One partner’s emotional withdrawal limits the other partner’s power study by Dr. Körner

20:20: (Paul) Reciprocal self-disclosure predicts interpersonal attraction

• Taking turns study by Dr. Sprecher

• The “fast friends” intervention study by Dr. Aron

23:50: (Paul) AI is more effective than humans at detecting when humans are lying

• Human lie detection review by Dr. Brennen

• AI lie detection study by Dr. Krishnamurthy

Misconceptions in the movie

26:05: (Eli) Cynicism isn’t a winning approach to the world

• The benefits of trusting others study by Dr. Rotter

• Trait hostility study by Dr. Cook

• Type A behavior, hostility, and coronary atherosclerosis study by Dr. Williams

29:30: (Paul) Virtually all of us desire meaningful human relationships

• The need to belong review by Dr. Baumeister

• Men turn to their partner for social support more than women do review by Dr. Wahring

• Men like partners who are intelligent, and funny, and supportive study by Paul

“Are we ok with this?”

31:00: (Paul) It only takes one psychopathic billionaire to do profound damage to civilization

32:45: (Eli) Perhaps oppressed peoples scaffold resistance across generations

34:50: (Paul) How can we design intimate AI technology that benefits rather than harms humanity?

41:30: (Paul) Can we trust for-profit corporations to be deeply embedded in our intimate lives?

Relationship Quotes!

42:30: (Eli) Can AI be sentient, and what are the moral implications of that possibility?

43:45: (Paul) To fall in love with an AI, most of us would have to believe that they chose us freely

What do we wish we knew?

44:50: (Paul) How likely are we to fall for a given person, contingent on how many other options there are?

46:20: (Eli) Do the beneficial relationship effects of dancing depend on believing that the partner has free will?

48:10: (Paul) Which studies should relationship scientists run to maximize the odds that the intimate AI society creates is beneficial?

• Can chatbots simulate human connection? review by Dr. Smith

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:05: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:15: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

3:25: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

5:50: (Paul) Traveling together is beneficial for relationships

• Vacations and romantic passion and intimacy study by Dr. Coffey

7:20: (Eli) Traveling helps us learn about ourselves

• Transformative tourism experiences review by Dr. Teoh

• The multiple self-aspects framework review by Dr. McConnell

10:30: (Paul) Opposite personalities do not repel each other

• Mismatching on conscientiousness/openness is irrelevant to attraction study by Dr. Humberg

14:40: (Eli) Couples develop idiosyncratic moral codes for their relationship

• Relationships as microcultures analysis from Eli

17:25: (Paul) Even today, most romantic relationships begin as friendships

• The friends-to-lovers pathway to romance study by Dr. Stinson

• Bonded By Evolution book by Paul

19:25: (Eli) People aren’t great at forecasting how their goals and priorities will change over time

• Affective forecasting review by Dr. Gilbert

Misconceptions in the movie

23:25: (Eli) The movie implies that people can have certainty about their emotional future

• Stumbling on Happiness book by Dr. Gilbert

24:45: (Paul) It’s extremely rare for friends to sustain romantic interest for years without acting on it

• Relationship development dynamics study by Paul

27:40: (Paul) Sacrifice is required for relationship success

• Sacrifice and relationship satisfaction study by Dr. Van Lange

32:05: (Eli) This movie leans strongly into the trope that “love conquers all”

33:20: (Paul) There’s not much evidence that people can have “too much” of a beneficial personality trait

• No evidence of a curvilinear relation between conscientiousness and relationship quality study by Dr. Nickel

36:50: (Eli) The film gives the false impression that conversations with strangers tend to be unpleasant

• Mistakenly seeking solitude study by Dr. Epley

• Pleasant conversations are preceded by concerns about starting one study by Dr. Schroeder

“Are we ok with this?”

38:45: (Paul) How do dual-career couples decide whose career to prioritize vis-à-vis where to settle down?

40:55: (Eli) The lead characters procured gifts from strangers under false pretenses

Relationship Quotes!

43:30: (Paul) On wishing that our partner’s other-gender friends would just go away

45:30: (Eli) Being with a loved-one can feel like “home,” regardless of where you are

What do we wish we knew?

46:40: (Paul) What are the best ways to be a “wingman”?

48:10: (Eli) How can we tell, in real time, whether we’re making a sacrifice vs. settling?

49:35: (Paul) Does pretending to be a couple make people more attracted to each other?

49:55: (Eli) Does being stuck in physical proximity help people overcome an initial negative impression?

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:35: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:35: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

3:50: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

7:15: (Eli) People who commit moral transgressions frequently believe they’re doing so from a place of virtue

• Virtuous Violence book by Dr. Rai

• Evil book by Dr. Baumeister

• Cognitive dissonance reduction among perpetrators of infidelity study by Dr. Alexopoulos

10:35: (Paul) We see some excellent portrayals of flirting

• Playing (selectively!) hard to get study by Dr. Walster

• Selective versus unselective romantic desire study by Paul

• Using humor signals interest in the partner study by Dr. Li

12:50: (Eli) Feeling guilty make us want to “make it up to” our partner

• The social psychology of guilt review by Dr. Baumeister

15:00: (Paul) Most stalking behavior happens between people who know each other

• The progression of stalking study by Dr. Mumm

Misconceptions in the movie

17:15: (Paul) It’s extremely rare for stalking to involve behaviors this extreme

• Prevalence of obsessive relational intrusion behaviors review by Dr. Spitzberg

19:15: (Eli) External events can harm a relationship—even if both people try hard

• External stress and marital quality study by Dr. Neff

21:30: (Paul) Dan shows essentially none of the risk factors for infidelity—but he commits it anyway

• Narcissism and infidelity study by Dr. McNulty

• Infidelity and dating relationships study by Dr. Varma

• Men are a little bit more likely to cheat than women are meta-analysis by Dr. Petersen

• Cuckolded fathers are rare (~1%) in human populations study by Dr. Maarten

26:10: (Paul) Committed people derogate romantic alternatives before the threat gets strong

• Resisting temptation study by Dr. Johnson

• Inattentive and contented study by Dr. Miller

28:00: (Eli) People tend not to cover this quickly from infidelity

• Couple healing from infidelity study by Dr. Fife

• Getting Past the Affair book by Dr. Snyder

29:25: (Paul) The film conflates two different forms of intimate partner violence

• Two forms of intimate partner violence review by Dr. Johnson

“Are we ok with this?”

31:50: (Eli) This film is egregiously antifeminist

Expert Corner with Paige Harden

34:25: (Paige) People judge others’ behavior more harshly when the primary causes of the behavior derive from the person rather than the situation

• Original Sin book by Paige

41:10: (Paige) Alex seems to have (extreme) borderline personality disorder, and her behavior at the end is the impulsive aggression that sometimes accompanies it

49:00: (Paige) A lust for cruelty exists as part of human nature

51:30: (Eli) The movie took an interesting character study of a person unraveling psychologically and warped it into a simple fable about evil

Relationship Quotes!

52:40: (Paul) When we get enraged or threatened, our attempts at kindness can sour into cruelty

What do we wish we knew?

53:55: (Eli) Under what circumstances do we tell others they have food on their face—and when is doing so appreciated?

54:45: (Paul) Is self-effacing humor effective?

55:50: (Eli) How do people decide whether or how to tell their partner they’ve had an affair?

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:15: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:35: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

3:50: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

6:40: (Eli) Romantic love is sustained by positive illusions

• The benefits of positive illusions study by Dr. Murray

• Reality and illusion in intimate relationships review by Dr. Fletcher

8:40: (Paul) The experience of passionate love appears to be a cross-cultural universal

• A cross-cultural perspective on romantic love study by Dr. Jankowiak

11:15: (Paul) When experiencing passionate love, the craving for emotional reciprocation is stronger than the craving for sexual consummation

• Love and limerence book by Dr. Tennov

11:55: (Eli) Language can’t reliably soothe love anxiety; actions matter more

• Trust and diagnostic situations review by Dr. Holmes

14:00: (Paul) Dissimilarity in political partisanship has a tiny effect on relationship quality

• The role of political dissimilarity in romantic relationships study by Dr. Gordon

• Partisanship is often invisible in attraction settings study by Dr. De Jong

• Rejecting unsuitable suitors is hard study by Dr. Joel

• When the nobility marries commoners study by Dr. Goñi

18:45: (Eli) Honor culture and aggression

• Insult, aggression, and the southern culture of honor study by Dr. Cohen

• Precarious manhood and aggression review by Dr. Bosson

  ---

Expert Corner with Donovan Sherman

22:25: (Donovan) Luhrmann’s interpretation of the balcony scene is brilliant

• The creative use of water analysis by Dr. Lehman

• Defying the stars analysis by Dr. Kottman

• Fat Ham analysis by Dr. Sherman

• Early modern stoicism book by Dr. Sherman

  ---

Misconceptions in the movie

33:45: (Paul) It’s extremely rare for arranged marriages to happen without the consent of the spouses

• Marital quality in arranged and couple-initiated marriages study by Dr. Flicker

39:20: (Eli) Love at first sight is rare

• Graph of relationships over time, split by intensity of initial feelings

40:15: (Paul) Heartbreak is linked to the intrusion of old memories; Romeo and Juliet have none

• Frequency of memories of the partner predicts breakup distress study by Dr. del Palacio-Gonzalez

“Are we ok with this?”

40:20: (Eli) Luhrmann offers a compelling critique of the hollowness and corruption of 1990s America

43:10: (Paul) Romeo places the apothecary into a morally hazardous situation

44:15: (Eli) High-profile suicides tend to inspire copycat suicides

Relationship Quotes!

45:35: (Paul) On the pleasure of reveries

46:40: (Eli) On turning misery into constructive microculture

47:15: (Eli) On the importance of separating the peripheral from the central aspects of identity

What do we wish we knew?

48:35: (Paul) What does time dilation feel like, and how is it modulated by passionate love

• Having fun while time flies study by Dr. Sackett

49:30: (Eli) Under what circumstances are we able to force ourselves to fall out of love?

51:20: (Eli) To what extent does societal acceptance of nonmartial sex protect people from making ill-conceived marriage decisions?

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:15: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:50: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

4:10: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

6:00: (Paul) We tend to fall for people who live near us

• The friends-to-lovers pathway study by Dr. Stinson

• Classroom proximity and friendship study by Dr. Back

• Neighbor proximity and attraction study by Dr. Festinger

8:45: (Eli) Relationships benefit when we feel authentically seen

• The All-Or-Nothing Marriage book by Eli

• The Michelangelo effect review by Dr. Rusbult

13:00: (Paul) Relationship partners can serve as each other’s secure base

• Responsive support in a virtual world study by Dr. Kane

15:15: (Eli) It’s hard to be a supportive partner when we’re unsure of our own identity

• Low self-concept clarity and lack of support for partner change study by Dr. Emery

17:30: (Eli) People who feel entitled tend to hold grudges

• Too proud to let go study by Dr. Exline

22:30: (Paul) Women bear social costs for being assertive

• Status incongruity and backlash effects study by Dr. Rudman

• Women are disliked when explicitly expressing dominance meta-analysis by Dr. Williams

25:55: Playfulness and relationship well-being

• Young at heart study by Dr. Van Vleet

• In defense of teasing essay by Dr. Keltner

Misconceptions in the movie

27:45: (Paul) Breaking up is typically an arduous, lengthy process

• On staying for the sake of the romantic partner study by Dr. Joel

• Progression bias review by Dr. Joel

31:40: (Paul) More attractive people aren’t more likely to be unfaithful

• Extrapair sex study by Dr. Gangestad

“Are we ok with this?”

34:45: (Eli) The movie offers a perfect illustration of structural inequality

36:30: (Paul) This is a cool version of a grand romantic gesture

36:55: (Eli) This is a slut-shaming movie

37:45: (Eli) When, if ever, is it acceptable to spy on our partner?

Relationship Quotes!

40:45: (Paul) Paying close attention is hot

42:10: (Eli) Love arrives when competition ends

• Competition and cooperation theories in relationship science review by Dr. Durante

What do we wish we knew?

45:15: (Paul) Are there some extreme contexts, such as playing for the NBA, that make others chase you for the $?

47:15: (Eli) If you’re going date your best friend, what are the odds things end well vs. very badly?

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

In this episode, they pick apart two central concepts in evolutionary psychology: gender differences and mate value. Paul and Eli discuss how men and women don’t actually differ in what they want in a partner, where gender differences in the sex drive appear larger vs. smaller, and why mate value matters a lot less than you think. Plus: Can evolutionary psychologists - and their critics - find better ways of talking the practical implications of a biological discovery?

Book plate gift with preorder: US Residents, 18+. Ends February 10, 2025. See terms at prh.com/lovefactually.

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:20: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:30: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

3:50: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

6:45: (Eli) It’s devastating to feel like our loved-ones would be better off without us

• We need to feel competent in our relationship review by Dr. La Guardia

• The risk of suicide is especially high when people feel like a burden book by Dr. Joiner

10:40: (Paul) The dynamics of interpersonal attraction and falling in love

• Listening and responsiveness is key review by Dr. Sprecher

• Rituals and romantic connection study by Dr. Garcia-Rada

13:45: (Eli) It’s hard to sustain close relationships without allowing oneself to be vulnerable

• Dependence regulation review by Dr. Murray

• Responsive reactions to a partner’s vulnerable disclosures review by Dr. Reis

• Vulnerable disclosures and intimacy study by Dr. Khalifian

• The costs of stoic masculinity study by Dr. Martin

16:50: (Eli) Couples can get stuck in dysfunctional patterns

• Rigid patterns in couples and families book by Dr. Bowen

• It’s difficult to stay compatible as partners change book by Eli

20:05: (Paul) For somebody struggling with alcoholism, the partner’s drinking behavior matters

• Romantic partners influence each other’s heavy episodic drinking study by Dr. Bartel

Misconceptions in the movie

21:35: (Paul) Sacrifice needs to be necessary to be compelling

• Male sacrifice in “A Star Is Born” essay by Manohla Dargis

24:25: (Eli) Relationship partners can usually renegotiate their roles

25:00: (Paul) The average man is just fine when his partner outshines him

• The “gender cliff” is a statistical artifact study by Dr. Grow

27:30: (Paul) Ally probably wouldn’t have put up with Jackson’s borderline-abusive treatment

• Conflict predicts breakup meta-analysis by Dr. Le

“Are we ok with this?”

30:15: (Paul) This version of the film removes the idea that it’s shameful for a man to be with a more successful woman

31:05: (Paul) This version nonetheless contains the heteropessimistic idea that male-female relationships are fraught and zero-sum

33:25: (Eli) Ally deserves a different ending than “Don’t wanna feel another touch / … / Won’t even let the sunlight in”

Relationship Quotes!

35:40: (Paul) Artists (and relationships) achieve virtually infinite innovation with only 12 notes

36:45: (Eli) We can’t plan our romantic life in advance, but we can savor the good times if we get them

37:30: (Paul) Even early on, we can cherish little secrets together

What do we wish we knew?

39:00: (Eli) When, if ever, should we tell our partner generous lies?

40:40: (Paul) How do couples pick up on each other’s subtle nonverbals?

• Nonverbal communication accuracy in married couples study by Dr. Sabatelli

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:10: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:15: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

3:20: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

5:40: (Paul) Keeping an ex on the back burner is a fraught idea

• How peers influence the emergence of heterosexual romantic relationships study by Dr. Connolly

• Do crushes pose a problem for exclusive relationships? study by Dr. O’Sullivan

• Motivations for keeping an ex around study by Dr. Rodriguez

9:45: (Eli) Achieving intimacy requires that we risk vulnerability

• Risk regulation in relationships review by Dr. Murray

• Communal and exchange relationships review by Dr. Clark

• The development of trust study by Dr. Rempel

14:10: (Paul): Narcissistic people fixate on what they want

• Narcissists pursue partners, even if those partners are taken study by Dr. Brunell

• Measuring narcissistic entitlement study by Dr. Campbell

• Having a narcissistic partner is a weak predictor of our relationship satisfaction study by Dr. Lamkin

• Narcissists are game-playing lovers study by Dr. Campbell

17:10: (Eli) We can convince ourselves to believe almost anything

• Motivation to be accurate vs. motivation to reach a preferred conclusion review by Dr. Kunda

• Motivated cognition in relationships review by Dr. Lemay

21:00: (Paul) Slowly escalating intimacy with another partner is a major risk factor for an affair

• Spontaneous and planned infidelity narratives study by Dr. Varma

21:55: (Eli) Good friends are supportive, but they’re also willing to tell us tough truths

• Thriving through relationships review by Dr. Feeney

• Hard truths from a partner can promote our personal growth book by Eli

Misconceptions in the movie

25:00: (Eli) It’s hard to sustain a happy monogamous relationship unless we derogate our romantic alternatives

• Inattentive and contented study by Dr. Miller

• Devaluation of alternative partners as a means of maintaining commitment study by Dr. Johnson

27:30: (Paul) The fight between Michael and Kimmy is a murderer’s row of ineffective conflict behaviors

• Regulating partners in intimate relationships study by Dr. Overall

29:40: (Eli) The failure to create or lean into a microculture with one’s partner bodes poorly for the relationship

• “They’re playing our song” study by Dr. Harris

31:45: (Paul) The film mischaracterizes the nature of attachment avoidance

• Adult attachment and the defensive regulation of attention and memory study by Dr. Fraley

“Are we ok with this?”

33:40: (Paul) The decision to add a gay-friend works well in this film

35:50: (Eli) I love that Jules’s grand romantic gestures fail

36:10: (Eli) To what extent does romantic love give us the right to try to entice the beloved away from a different relationship?

39:25: (Eli) Is it actually generous for Jules to “loan” her song with Michael to Kimmy at the wedding?

Relationship Quotes!

41:40: (Paul) It’s hard to persuade somebody that they’re “too good” for a person they love.

43:15: (Eli) Even in our dark hours, we can find solace—especially in friendship

What do we wish we knew?

44:20: (Eli) To what degree does learning that somebody is about to be “off the market” make them more appealing to us?

45:40: (Paul) When and why do people make a “marriage pact” with a friend, and what are the consequences of doing so?

• Median age at first marriage report from the U.S. Census Bureau

47:55: (Eli) If we discovered that somebody did something extreme and unethical to win our love, would that be a net positive or a net negative in terms of our attraction to that person?

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:10: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:40: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

3:50: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

5:45: (Eli) Romantic partners don’t have to be “our everything”

• Social portfolios study by Dr. Cheung

9:00: (Paul) Moving to a new place can be a promising strategy for finding a relationship

• Sex ratios and dispersal patterns among hunter–gatherers study by Dr. Kramer

11:40: (Eli) Forgiving without receiving amends can undermine our self-respect

• The doormat effect study by Dr. Luchies

16:00: (Paul) Women are more receptive to dating men who are parents than vice versa

• Children and re-partnering study by Dr. Ivanova

18:00: (Eli) Gendered differences in mate preferences largely evaporate once people meet face to face

• Ambitious women are just as appealing as ambitious men meta-analysis by Paul

19:05: (Eli) It’s largely untrue that singles adopt either a short-term or a long-term mating mindset

• The early phases of dating are mostly about assessing compatibility study by Paul

19:35: (Eli) The “resume date” is terrible because it limits our ability to assess compatibility

• The 36-questions study by Dr. Aron

19:55: (Eli) Attraction is less about finding somebody who’s similar than about leaning in to moments when random similarities emerge (droplets of serendipity)

• Actual vs. perceived similarity study by Dr. Tidwell

Misconceptions in the movie

21:20: (Paul) Women tend not to be receptive to sexual overtures within minutes of meeting a new man

• Receptivity to sexual invitations study by Dr. Hald

• Women are receptive to sexual overtures from famous male heartthrobs study by Dr. Conley

25:55: (Eli) This movie mischaracterizes the nature of unrequited love

• Unrequited love study by Dr. Baumeister

30:05: (Eli) Romantic passion tends to be highest when we sustain a blend of hope and uncertainty about the relationship

• Limerence book by Dr. Tennov

30:35: (Paul) The sorts of meet-cutes we see in rom-coms fail to capture how couples typically meet

• It can be a long road from meeting to dating study by Paul

32:55: (Eli) Being trustworthy helps break through a partner’s attachment anxiety more than a partner’s attachment avoidance (at least in the short term)

• Filling the void study by Dr. Arriaga

35:00: (Paul) There’s not much evidence that parental divorce causes an elevated risk of depression among their children

• Twin study of parental divorce and child outcomes by Dr. D’Onofrio

“Are we ok with this?”

38:05: (Eli) Nancy Meyers offers stellar depictions of masculinity

39:30: (Eli) Trying to convince people to view themselves “the leading lady” (or gentleman) is likely to cause problems

Relationship Quotes!

42:35: (Paul) Jude Law can express interest and remain confident at the same time

43:50: (Eli) When you’re in love, you just know.

45:20: (Eli) Sometimes “corny” is just what we need.

What do we wish we knew?

45:50: (Paul) In modern societies, how much does moving to a new place influence our likelihood of pairing up?

47:15: (Eli) How, when, and why do people set boundaries, and when are boundaries effective?

48:15: (Paul) In overcoming breakup, when do people experience “sudden gains” in recovery?

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Part 1 of this series is devoted to complexities of romantic compatibility. Paul and Eli discuss how they began studying attraction in the first place, why online dating failed to live up to its potential, and why a relationship is what you make it. Plus: Why is it wise to have a few intimacy-inspiring questions in your back pocket?

Book plate gift with preorder: US Residents, 18+. Ends February 10, 2025. See terms at prh.com/lovefactually.

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

With Giving Tuesday right around the corner, we hope you’ll consider donating to #PodsFightPoverty, in which your favorite social science podcasts (“The Happiness Lab,” “You Are Not So Smart,” “Hidden Brain,” and many others) join forces to lift three entire villages in Rwanda out of extreme poverty. Most of these ~700 families live on less than $2 a day and struggle to afford the basics: food, education, medical care, and the like. It’s astonishing how much difference a donation of $100, or even $25, can make for one of these families. If you appreciate our show, please express that gratitude by supporting Pods Fight Poverty (donate here).

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:20: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:55: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

4:05: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

6:50: (Paul) Being generous feels good

• Spending money on others promotes happiness study by Dr. Dunn

• A registered replication study by Dr. Aknin

8:25: (Eli) Being vulnerable allows others to care for us

• Safe haven study by Dr. Collins

• Sadness and helping study by Dr. Clark

10:20: (Paul) People like George give generously to the common pool

• Personality and prosocial behavior meta-analysis by Dr. Thielmann

14:10: (Eli) The power of gratitude

• Find-remind-bind review by Dr. Algoe

• To have and to hold study by Dr. Gordon

17:25: (Paul) Stress at work undermines relationships at home

• Stressful environmental contexts and relationship dynamics review by Dr. Neff

• Air traffic controllers study by Dr. Repetti

19:20: (Paul) Money infusions help lower-SES relationships

• Higher minimum wage reduces divorce among low-wage households study by Dr. Karney

• Wealth redistribution promotes happiness study by Dr. Dwyer

20:40: (Eli) Leaning into one’s microculture as a barometer of relationship well-being

• They’re playing our song study by Dr. Harris

Misconceptions in the movie

23:00: (Paul) Being standoffish isn’t a way to get somebody interested in us

• Playing hard to get study by Dr. Walster

• Selective versus unselective romantic desire study by Paul

24:35: (Eli) It’s a misconception that passion is akin to anger

• Volatility during conflict is linked to lower relationship quality study by Dr. Holman

25:25: (Paul) When people invest too much of themselves in their relationships, they become more motivated to attend to their own needs

• The quest for equilibrium study by Dr. Kumashiro

27:05: (Eli) It’s rare for childhood crushes to turn into lifelong marriages

“Are we ok with this?”

28:35: (Paul) It is not a terrible fate for a woman to be an unmarried librarian

• The reversal of the gender gap in education review from Dr. Van Bavel

• A present-day argument that higher-SES women are unhappy with lower-SES men video from Scott Galloway

• The tendency for marriages with a higher-earning wife to divorce no longer exists study by Dr. Schwartz

32:05: (Eli) In contrast to Hollywood tropes, this film values duty over self-expression

35:25: (Paul) It’s a bit silly how the town turns to vice in the George-Bailey-less world

Relationship Quotes!

35:55: (Paul) George plans to see the world, and so what does Mary wish?

• To preserve the relationship, highly committed people are willing to sacrifice their partner’s goals study by Dr. Hui

41:35: (Eli) Auld Lang Syne

What do we wish we knew?

43:30: (Paul) When and why do people reference the deep past in relationship communication?

44:55: (Eli) How do our motivations for making sacrifices influence our relationship?

47:30: (Paul) How do we interact with our ex-partners (and our partner’s ex-partners) over time?

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:05: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:25: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

3:40: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

7:30: (Eli) People withdraw from their close friendships after getting married

• Marriage and friendship withdrawal study by Dr. Kalmijn

• The withdrawal applies to friends but not acquaintances study by Dr. Kalmijn

9:45: (Paul) People commonly meet romantic partners through friends of friends

• Other-gender friends and relationship formation study by Dr. Connolly

• Temporal trends in the tendency to meet romantic partners through friends study by Dr. Rosenfeld

• Dating friends-of-friends-of-friends study by Dr. Kreager

14:25: (Eli) It’s common to experience inaction regrets in the romantic domain

• Regrets of the typical American study by Dr. Morrison

• The Power of Regret book by Dr. Pink

16:50: (Paul) People don’t know, early in the attraction process, whether they’re pursuing a fling or a relationship

• The time-course of romantic love study by Paul

22:05: (Eli) Women’s sexual orientation is less stable than men’s

• Erotic plasticity review by Dr. Baumeister

• Sexual fluidity book by Dr. Diamond

• Gender differences in changing sexual orientation over time study by Dr. Mittleman

Misconceptions in the movie

24:45: (Paul) Relationship development tends to be much slower than this movie suggests

• Cohabitation trends study by Dr. Mernitz

• Engagement and proposal traditions industry report by Mr. Gionet

27:10: (Eli) The movie lacks a compelling narrative for why Charlie prefers Carrie over Fiona

• Physical proximity and interpersonal attraction study by Dr. Festinger

30:15: (Eli) Passion tends to fade when we conclude the other person just isn’t interested in us

• Love and Limerence book by Dr. Tennov

31:45: (Paul) Most relationships don’t start as a bolt of lightning

• Time-course of friends-first relationships study by Paul

“Are we ok with this?”

32:55: (Eli) The movie is sex-positive, especially regarding women’s sexuality

34:20: (Eli) The movie is weirdly dismissive of marital vows

35:45: (Paul) The movie was ahead of its time vis-à-vis positive portrayals of gay relationships

• Eli caveat: It’s not ideal that gay trauma serves as a stimulus for the (straight) protagonist’s character development

Relationship Quotes!

37:55: (Paul) It’s challenging when our friends and our romantic partner don’t get along

• Balancing relationships study by Dr. Wicks

39:40: (Eli) Dismissive cleverness is a mode of engagement that interferes with authenticity

What do we wish we knew?

40:50: (Eli) How should we respond when a close friend is in love with us?

43:35: (Paul) How necessary is it to get married if one wants a fulfilling romantic life-partnership?

45:25: (Eli) How do people decide to say “I love you” to a partner for the first time?

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finke

Intro

1:20: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:25: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

3:40: What is our relationship to this movie?

• The early 2020 soundtrack for Paul and his then-three-year-old

What the movie gets right

6:50: (Eli) People suffer when they tie their self-worth to their physical appearance

• The costly pursuit of self-esteem review by Dr. Crocker

• Attachment anxiety and appearance-contingent self-esteem study by Dr. Park

• Appearance-based rejection sensitivity study by Dr. Park

10:35: (Paul) Some people are especially good at making us feel confident

• The relational self and self-confidence study by Dr. Gabriel

13:10: (Eli) Relationship partners can help us achieve an integrated sense of identity

• Integrative identity review by Dr. McAdams

• Intimate relationships and identity integration review by Dr. McIntyre

17:15: (Paul) Avoidant people can become more secure over time if their partner serves as a reliable safe haven

• Revising attachment across time review by Dr. Arriaga

18:55: (Paul) Construing our “family” broadly is linked to psychological well-being

• Breadth of family inclusion study by Dr. Buchanan

22:45: (Eli) People become immoral through an incremental series of choices rather than all at once

• Moral slippery slope study by Dr. Welsh

Misconceptions in the movie

25:30: (Paul) Confidence and self-esteem are linked to older ages, not to youth

• Self-esteem across the lifespan study by Dr. Orth

• Aging and the derivation of emotional meaning from life review by Dr. Carstensen

28:15: (Eli) During war, people tend to be fevered partisans

• The nature of moral conviction review by Dr. Skitka

• Demonization of opposing partisans study by Dr. Moore-Berg

• Attributing love vs. hate motives study by Dr. Waytz

“Are we ok with this?”

30:50: (Eli) Is it necessary for societies to punish people for their wrongdoing?

32:25: (Paul) What is Miyazaki’s strand of environmentalism?

34:50: (Eli) The film presents a complex hodgepodge of conservative and progressive values

Relationship Quotes!

35:30: (Paul) Aging and the appreciation of beauty

36:10: (Eli) A heart’s a heavy burden

What do we wish we knew?

37:20: (Paul) What’s with the appeal of the wounded, unreachable man?

38:50: (Eli) What sort of masculinity, if any, does our society want to foster?

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil

Subscribe at Apple, Spotify, or Episodes.fm

Hosted, produced, and edited by Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel

Intro

1:00: (Eli) Who are the characters and couples?

2:30: (Paul) 1-minute plot recap

3:50: What is our relationship to this movie?

What the movie gets right

6:25: (Eli) People learn a lot about us by observing our private spaces (bedrooms, etc.)

• A room with a cue study by Dr. Gosling

• Snoopology book by Dr. Gosling

8:05: (Paul) Personal grooming is an underappreciated factor in men’s attractiveness

• Gender differences in time spent enhancing one’s appearance study by Dr. Kowal

• Men and makeup study by Dr. Batres

12:00: (Eli) Forgiveness is generous in part because it amounts to canceling a debt

• Forgiveness is about overcoming resentment sermon by Bishop Butler

• Forgiveness is about canceling a debt review by Dr. Warmke

16:25: (Paul) Most male virgins don’t fit the misogynistic incel subtype

• Adult virgins are not rare study by Dr. Ueda

• Characteristics of involuntary celibates review by Dr. Stijelja

Misconceptions in the movie

18:15: (Paul) Andy doesn’t seem to have the attributes associated with prolonged virginity

• Attributes of late bloomers study by Dr. Haydon

18:45: (Eli) Only some types of question-asking are effective at cultivating others’ attraction to us

• The importance of follow-up questions study by Dr. Huang

22:20: (Paul) Desirable short-term partners are not necessarily undesirable long-term partners

• Tiny effects of premarital sexual behavior on likelihood of getting married study by Dr. Wolfinger

• Tiny effects of premarital sexual behavior on likelihood of getting divorced study by Dr. Heaton

24:00: (Eli) It’s rare for people to experience radical fluctuations in their overall assessments of their partner

25:20: (Paul) Being a “good lover” is more about the relationship than having the right skills

• Lack of consensus about whether one is a good lover study by Paul

• Viewing one’s partner as a good lover predicts relationship satisfaction study by Paul

• For a deep dive on this study, listen to this episode of the Normal Curves podcast

28:30: (Eli) Playing hard to get is a bad relationship-promotion strategy

· Reciprocity and attraction study by Paul

“Are we ok with this?”

29:55: (Paul) The movie punches down, especially in mocking transwomen

36:40: (Eli) The mockery is most uncomfortable when it feels like the stereotype target isn’t in on the joke

37:55: (Eli) Andy is a compelling model of masculinity

Relationship Quotes!

38:30: (Paul) When we try to change a partner, it’s important that they like the person we’re trying to change them into

40:55: (Eli) It’s often in our closest relationships that we find ourselves the most irrational

41:55: (Paul) It’s nice to see men talking with each other about the pain of heartbreak

What do we wish we knew?

42:50: (Eli) If we’re likely to be bad at sex the first time, is it better for our earliest experiences to be with somebody who isn’t important to us?

45:15: (Paul) Are there some cases in which the location of a first meeting alters the relationship trajectory?

46:30: (Eli) Under what circumstances are women especially attracted to men who dominate other men?

Stars (1–5): The hosts rate the quality of the movie

Rusbults (1–5): The hosts rate the accuracy of the movie’s ideas about relationships

Music by Andrew Fraker and Sons

Artwork by Katie Keil