The lady conducting the psychic surgery said the holy spirit would visit me that night. And I shouted Oi Oi! If by shouting Oi! Oi! you mean I said nothing and nodded politely.

Well! The holy spirit must have visited and told me to pack my bags, because that night, I changed my flight to come home a couple of days early.

The truth is my ego finally snapped and princess wanted to do what she does on the other 342 days of the year - WHATEVER SHE LIKES!

A huge part of why I wanted to go on this three week+ spiritual pilgrimage was to get rid of my addictions in love. I was always attracting in unavailable men and would often lose myself in fantasies. Let us not forget that I once asked a psychic if I was going to marry Keanu Reeves1 Even madder is she was quite keen on the idea! On that note, I’ve given up psychics because the future is always changing and, of course, a lot of it is horse shit. Although the police do use some psychics in America to successfully solve murder cases, but that’s more for something that’s already happened. But I need to give them up because I’m not on the homicide squad. And the reason I was so taken with one man for so long is that a tarot card reader seemed to know about him and said it was a soul connection and its all going pan out, he’ll come back round. That and the fact I am possibly mentally ill.

When I like someone I often have obsessive thoughts - even when I don’t particularly like them, I can have obsessive thoughts. It’s not even about them, it’s the pattern, not the person. It’s the wounds from long ago that someone else started and they are just slicing open, fresh again. And then, you’re convinced, only they can soothe them.

And then nine billion thousand thoughts about them later, the veil’s lifted and I think: You? How? Who was I actually crying for - surely not them - sometimes I don’t even like them, one didn’t even wait for me to finish, and we know nice guys finish last. By finish I do mean cum. He just assumed it was over when he was done, and I had to ask him what he was playing at on at least two occasions. And I am known for my speed (and accuracy).

My friend Sophie used to be terrible for dating addiction. She’s very funny and charming but used to be unhinged. Once she called a guy she fancied about fifty times in one night with no reply. Fifty! She left messages on his answer phone in different characters with accents and back stories. I can imagine her circulating the house in various wigs. I mean, if you’re going full Baby Reindeer, at least be a laugh with it.

This was the last of my addictions to sort2 and at my age, this sort of behaviour really isn’t cute. I’d come a long way and had a way more dignity (in terms of what I let my crush see at least), but still internally, the hot compulsion was an ever present beast and made life quite painful at times. I was clinging on to people I knew would be restoration projects that I didn’t even really want to undertake. Desperate for them to see my soul, recognise it and cherish it, so my sense of self could be reflected back to me in a Plumber from Bradford’s eyes.

As soon as I got to the pilgrimage, it was like my body, mind and soul knew that something big was unfolding. All the people in the group had set aside a lot of time and money to go on this journey - to grow, to heal and to expand. The power of that shared intention takes on a lifeforce of its own.

I thought I was relatively happy on the way there, aside from a love addiction and a bad heel, I honestly thought I was one of the happiest people I knew. I’ve dedicated my life to joy. The child in me (for better or worse) is so strong she lives her life in 3D colour and very much in the physical world. But as soon as I got there my body took over and it just started to weep. It felt like an outpouring from heart - the physical tears were on my cheeks, but the emotionally, I could literally feel them tearing out of my heart. They say all the trauma is stored in the body which is why I tend to favour somatic healing and cranial over talking and labelling things. But my friend Jen is a therapist and she’s amazing, but she’s definitely working with energy at the same time. I guess there’s room for it all and different people resonate with different therapies and people.

I did quite well to stick out three weeks, stripped bare off all my comforts, community and control. It was daunting and depressing to be face to face with your ego with few distractions. It was also a magical gift that will sew the seeds of change indefinitely. Subtly and at the same time profoundly. Not the wailing in a church, we’ll get to the good stuff in a minute but its worth noting the church scenes were very powerful for some people - so one woman’s wailing waste of time, is another woman’s walls of Jericho coming tumbling down.

Obviously we all crave the instant, undeniable lightening bolt changes, but change is often less dramatic, like a canvas being slowly painted over, stroke by stroke, until one day you realise its an entirely different painting.

The discomfort was sharp and aching. I felt excluded, I felt less than, I felt naked in front of my own demons and dramas. I was with a group of people who all knew each other or at least all knew someone. I didn’t have the comfort of my friends, any status (spiritual foreigners don’t care that you’ve been on Would I Lie to You, and if they did, you might take them a bit less seriously). I was so stripped of my identity that the universe decided to really ram that home with a prank. I lost my passport in Jakarta airport just as I left on an internal flight to somewhere two hours away. I know I have the vibe of a woman who’s lost several passports but it was a new experience for me. Would not recommend.

My first lesson was this: just because you are trying to get in touch with source, it doesn’t mean everything will be smooth running. The organiser, France (from France no less) is the most enlightened person I know, she’s a master (WHY ISN’T THERE A WORD FOR A FEMALE MASTER) - oh I looked it up and they’re still called masters or zen masters. I don’t like the word master. And terms like master bedroom even have their roots in slavery, but this is a different take on the word that has its routes in sexism. But if the retreat has taught me anything, it’s let’s chill out baby and focus on the now. But back to my first lesson…

So, France is as close to enlightenment as I’ve ever witnessed. I’ve known her ten years or more and she’s truly helped me change my life, just through about twenty one to one sessions on zoom. She doesn’t do one to ones anymore, which is a shame but she would probably say [in a cute French accent] You ‘ave all zeee answers inside of you! She’s obviously not seen me on Weakest Link.

So France organised this trip and I lost my passport, an airline lost three people’s luggage including hers, France’s daughter had to take about six flights to get there because she didn’t have the right papers, one healer cancelled, numerous people got sick, and she saw it all as a blessing, a lesson, or a clearing. Nothing good, nothing bad just as it’s supposed to be. Remarkable really. It reminds me of the parable of the Chinese Farmer, where the man has seemingly bad luck and everyone says oh that’s bad, and he just shrugs and says maybe and then that somehow leads to good luck and everyone says oh that’s good and he says maybe and it keeps flipping from ‘good’ to ‘bad’ and he never judges any of it because its just his experience and he never knows where it leads, but he trusts he is always where he needs to be. It’s more profound than that but I can’t be dragging you into wise parables, when we have these musings to finish.

I had been looking forward to this spiritual pilgrimage for about six months and storing up all my problems for it! Don’t worry that I’ve got plantar fasciitis… that’s one for the healers to figure out, don’t worry that I let my emotions take over sometimes… I’ll outsource that. Don’t worry that I can’t sit still long enough to write the masterpiece mistresspiece inside me, let’s pay someone else to sort that. Like a Christmas Wishlist but Sages instead of Santa.

I heard that we were meeting gurus who can see into your soul; greedy for insights about me like a teenager reading her astrology chart, I was like a little girl kneeling before her father desperate for someone to tell me who I am. But I’m pretty sure I know. I just want to hear it from someone else, I was desperate for someone to see the authentic me, but as the trip went on I actually didn’t need anyone to tell me about myself, as even that was their perspective, through their eyes and experiences. And with meditation, silence and reflection, I was starting to see myself, my blocks and my path more clearly.

And the latest obsession with the last guy I had hopes for started to fade away, the colours drained, the fantasies ebbed. I could see that in his current state he wouldn’t bring me joy or peace. I couldn’t be the most important thing in his life because his pain takes up too much room. So I fully let him go, or rather the fantasy of him go, and breathed in peace. I don’t even check his instagram. What? Cut me open and study me for the girlies.

I’ve just remembered though I did have a zoom with my psychic half way through the pilgrimage to help with this. Yes I called a psychic back home in an airport hotel in the middle of a spiritual trip. Addicted - me? I needed an outside eye because I was finding the trip so hard. And I have to say scoff all you like, but it helped enormously. Now I know I said I’ve given up psychics, but Psychic Simon, despite his name, doesn’t tell me the future. We have an agreement, even if I ask, he doesn’t tell me anymore, because he’s the first to say its not always accurate because the future depends on our vibration now, so its always changing and of course we all have free will!

Annoyingly though has has been about 96% accurate in the past. This is annoying, because obviously I want to call him all the time and ask him about everything. However, the other great thing about Simon is he won’t let me, because ultimately, he wants me to GET A GRIP. But he does tap in to situations and usually gently puts me straight. Everyone needs a Psychic Simon in their life, but yes I am aware it sounds cuckoo.

Even if we can, I don’t think we should try and know the future because it’s controlling and grasping and I want to be free flowing and trusting - knowing that even if its uncomfortable I’m in the right place at the right time, its all just information if you let it be. Saying that I will 100% ask Simon stuff again. Yep. It’s good to know yourself.

Anyway he gave me an exercise to do where I wrote a goodbye letter to my crush and burnt it. Goodbye forever to free plumbing. Not a euphemism. And it must have been a culmination of the work and the right timing, because praise be, it finally lifted! The relief.

There was now a different problem to take centre stage, I was still feeling on the outside of the group, because of the language barrier and maybe, just maybe my personality. We definitely can’t rule it out, in fact I think we definitely have to rule it in. These people were calm and hunkering down and I was asking about facials and schedules and had the energy of a bird flapping around in a cage.

I had to get comfortable with myself and know that I wasn’t for everyone, and crucially not to take that personally. People say love yourself but they don’t say how. I can’t say I’m there 100% but it got exponentially better through the trip. I cultivated compassion for my younger self, an understanding of why I am like I am, and annoyingly realised meditation really does help. I must just bloody well get a morning practice, I know it would change my life. I did it for five days once told everyone - saw real results and then just stopped. Very clever!

Another thing that helped me accept myself more was seeing other people’s flaws, initially I judged a few people for innocuous, ludicrous things, and as the universe does have a GSOH - it put them in my path as the nicest people to me and I ended up liking them the most. Obviously we know not to judge other people and as the old phrase goes, if we are pointing a finger at someone else, there’s four fingers pointing back at us, but these seem to be the lessons we need again and again. I say we, I don’t know what you’re like to be honest.

I was throwing myself in and also doing some inner child work, which as corny as it sounds, is really the fundamental route of everything. Anyone who listens to Esther Perel knows that. To do this work you need some pictures of you as a kid. My dad has no photos of my brother and I. He said they were lost in the fire but to my knowledge he’s never had a fire. He did set himself on fire once with a fag in his mouth but he was fine and wasn’t looking at a photo book at the time.

But recently my step mum from over thirty years ago got back in touch and had loads of pictures I’d never seen before. This picture really made me laugh. it explains so much. Me so enthralled to be with my dad, and him looking somewhere else. But heaven knows I’m an adult now and it’s time for me to change the story. Would a hundred percent still wear this dress though. Might need one size up.

My next big lesson was about not trying to control things or even know them; where are we going, what’s the hotel like, who are we speaking to. No bebe you’re on Java time and you have to accept you’re not managing anything. There won’t be much vegan food and you cannot really exercise and you’re too hot. And it’s a great lesson in acceptance. You’re not being blown up in a war zone so every day is another blessing. It’s all perspective, don’t focus on the overflowing bin, but the sunset above it. And then you’re able to say WOW! That sunset stinks!

I also noticed when I felt good about myself the whole world responded differently so it really is about being the gate keeper of your thoughts about yourself. Release, rebuild, repeat. Release the sadness, rebuild the beauty, repeat until death.

I was so bad at the martial arts we did, the master laughed at me before I even started and one girl said I was funny in everything I do. I took the compliments and forgave my dyspraxia. I heard my ego pipe up to someone on the bus back, she said: yeah it’s weird because somehow I’m ok at surfing and good at snowboarding! Like a kid showing off about a sticker book collection because he pissed his pants at football.

The trip wasn’t just hard lessons and a flailing ego, we went in to a holy cave and I felt the energy straight away. I felt my heart open at times. We released doves, mediated, cleansed ourselves in waterfalls. And now on the plane home I feel grateful, happy and I’ve finally stopped weeping. But is that just because I’m going home to my language, my friends, the sea and the cats or is it because I’ve reclaimed some fragments of myself that have been missing for a while? Time will tell.

At my exit meeting France and her husband were very kind that I was bolting early. They said it was hard for me to accept people looking after me because I’m not used to it, but if I want a good relationship I have to accept it in. And I know that’s true, but at the same time, I was also cross that some people had largely ignored me haha so two things can be true at once.

Also I like to be free and I couldn’t even stroll in to town on my own as you needed to buddy up with someone as apparently it wasn’t safe. I don’t know who said that - maybe our tour guide to make themselves indispensable as all the staff all said it was safe. And when the group departed, I skipped straight into town and felt so liberated. No schedule, just me, the wind and a million other people.

I had their words echoing in my ear on the way back as when I emerged from the mall, it was dark, and I had to go through a dark alleyway. And what didn’t help was walking the wrong way for thirty minutes past a bar of reprobates trying to engage me in God knows what.

I walked with purpose and asked the angels to keep me safe but it dawned on me, they might have been busy in Tehran or Sudan. Which would be very fair. So I grabbed a tuktuk and darted home. I thought if the group woke up to a WhatsApp saying I’d been murdered, I’d feel like a right pranny. I could imagine them rolling their eyes saying we did tell her! So yes, saved by the ego, so she does have her place!

What did I do in town? Well I started with an all you can eat buffet of weird vegan foods. And ended with a bikini laser session, a facial and a mani pedi. What. A. Thrill. I’d spent so long on the internals, I was desperate to give the exterior a tickle. You can take the girl to a spiritual retreat but you can’t take her away from the shopping mall on the last day.

I’m so grateful for the beautiful maternal ladies who were so kind and adopted me, I’m grateful for the time I had to dedicate to healing, what a luxury - its not lost on me that the word’s falling apart and I was praying in a cave, wafting incense about, though on the upside we did pray for the world too (I know, I know, sometimes it takes a while to see results).

I’m grateful for everyone on the trip showing me where there’s still scars, I’m grateful my body released so many tears, and I’m grateful to Ben at the flight centre for changing my flights so I could come back and process the trip of many lifetimes.

This is me getting a facial in the shopping mall, but it looks like I’m having a spiritual moment or diddling myself - yet again it’s all a game of perspective.

He called back and I opened with: What do we do about Palestine. Not really his remit. He’s more Light Ent focused. He’s very good at negotiations but they haven’t got him in to the Middle East yet.

The images of this genocide just lie inside you and it’s all too much to bear witness to. The pig arrogance of saying that, safe, from my house.

Safe because of where I was born, and yes because I’m white and now quite middle class. The UK is however heavily flirting with fascism: Palestine Action is now ruled as a terrorist group, so even wearing a badge in support of Palestine Action can have you arrested as a… terrorist. On the upside, finally white people CAN be called terrorists!

The world has gone fully mad, America’s Doctor Dump might be up for a Nobel Peace Prize. I would write more on that, but I need a visa for something. And that’s how easy it is to silence people… mind you I will take a punt that none of my subscribers think (wind emoji) he’s a perfect candidate for a big old badge of peace.

It’s hard to think about anything else with these images of babies blown in to bits, so I did what I always do in these situations - tried to make sense of it by engaging my healers. One healer called me he is in a state about it too, we agreed that madness doesn’t seem to have any point spiritually and its just incomprehensible. We are told the light will prevail but where the heck IS the light because she needs to get in there now. We agreed to put some more prayers their way but that’s not seeming to do a whole lot except make us feel like we are doing SOMETHING.

Nowadays when I see some pretty girl on TikTok talking about manifesting it makes me roll my eyes, as if people in war zones are just not manifesting hard enough.

But we are all just trying to get by in our own little lives as we watch others around the world be decimated.

I emailed another energy worker and said, apart from praying and donating what the heck do we do. She’s not got back and doesn’t really speak English so once the conversation has gone through a couple of translation systems, it’s anyone’s guess.

What do we do? Is what I chirped again to my agent as if anyone knows. If this is a computer simulation someone else needs to drive the game. We agreed that if it was a parallel universe or a simulation, it’s all the same experience it feels real very very real.

My agent come on, lets call him what he is… friend at this point. He said we’re not designed to see all this devastation around the world. And there’s so much of it, so many people limping on in the worst possible conditions with everything ravaged from them, it’s too much to process.

In the end I find myself googling ‘will the aliens save us.’ Then I asked my agent to see if he can look into booking some, because he has got good contacts. Unfortunately he thought I was joking.

All we can do is donate, write to our MPs, march, post, do fundraisers, pray and keep on keeping our vibration as high as we can, we are no good to anyone in the gutter.

Donate to the WFP here

Or All Our Relations here

In my mind getting in the sea is saying yes to life; it's a metaphor for passion and abandon. It’s cleansing and magical.

Until a few days ago I used to get quite annoyed when people wouldn’t get in the sea, if they had the good fortune to be near it at any point. The people not getting in the sea spend every day not getting in the sea, so how about you flip that script and let the salty mass of waves hold you and catch you and throw you around! Wild salty abandon is sexy.

For me, the only thing better than getting in the sea, is getting in the sea and then the sauna. And get this, SOME PEOPLE DON’T LIKE SAUNAS. Well, chop me up and call me Susan!

It’s a tonic, its a lift, its a bloody laugh and you feel ALIVE!

I know its annoying to change your state from dry to wet from warm to cold, but in my mind, I think you should throw yourself in - commit to the moment - be uncomfortable - THEN you get buzz! The prize is in the doing and expanding your boundaries - the joy is in the squealing and the growth is out on the other side.

You can’t change your state without changing your state. If you get me?!

I’m the relaxing friend barking at them at the sidelines telling them they need to change their personalities. Oh dear. And all this persuasion and judgement from someone who thinks she’s spiritual! What happened to live and let live, what happened to everyone being different and finding their own tonic, their own way, their own source of something to hold them?

Some of my friends want the dignity of staying robe’d and unprobed! And quite right too! They probably wonder why I don’t speak more languages or know the capital of Kathmandu. Though I can google that, and you can’t google changing your energy state.

Up until a few days ago, I really did judge these dry lords, I know it shouldn’t be a revelation to accept we’re all different and forcing your agenda on someone else means you actually might be the asshole, but yes, I have only just registered this. But its not because I’m a prick, well, it might be partly that. But its also if something works for me I want everyone else to have this joy, this seismic shift, this free answer to many of the problems we’ve invented in our heads.

However, on Monday a friend explained why he didn’t want to swim - a very complex personal reason, rooted in trauma. So yes, I did stop yelling at him to get his trunks out.

So it was a sea tumble for one that day. And in the sea, I was able to process what he said and understand why different things work at different times for different people. So will I stop trying to get him in the sea? I wouldn’t go that far, but I’ll certainly turn it down a notch or two. A SEA CHANGE for both of us I think you’ll agree!

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I am loving touring at the moment and trying to embrace each place by doing things that inspire GLEE; jumping in a freezing loch, scaling lego walls at clip n climb, seeing friends and stuffing my gob with the local produce (not a euphemism). In Shewsbury I went to a lovely little Turkish restaurant and got some food poisoning! I think this is karma at play because I had been telling anyone who would listen that I had not been ill for three years, and then Sunday night I get something that humbles me from the bumholes be. I was sick out the hire car window at 70 miles an hour - would not recommend. Just praying that I’ll be back up and at them tomorrow for Cardiff. Just consuming electrolytes and a bloody good think. Part of me wonders if I got sick because I can’t seem to say no to things even when I’m touring five nights a week, so my body stepped in. Clever old bod.

In other news, I have a brilliant new merch company with completely different merch - did somebody say ethical high end?? Of course it’s 100% organic cotton - you shouldn’t wear man made fabrics guys - it lowers your vibration DUH (learnt that on instagram so yeah I think it is based in science). I’m going to have to do something with my truck load of polyester pants. I’ll send them to a local pervert for Cancer Research (easier than hosting an afternoon tea ).

A lot of people have been running at me and saying ‘Naughty Tortie’ and so there is a Naughty Tortie teeshirt coming very soon. And that’s what happens when ‘ART’ meets ‘CAPITALISM’. All merch here

Well done for reading this far, and finally, here’s Mel B and I trying to recreate some TikTok trends.

I’m ovulating pretty hard right now and just after a new moon…?! Okay. We’re starting to agree… it’s the perfect time for a love letter! 

I’ve got a new website courtesy of the real neat people at Thinking Fox. They’re ideal and the new site is very on line! Same place, different face it's always at Lou Sanders dot com.

Of course all my tour dates are listed (plus more in Bristol and Ireland & Northern Ireland to come) but furthermore - a bit of sassy news, I have a BRAND NEW MERCH LINE! 

Could your life be even better with a tea towel that says ‘Make Me Wet’.

Would your mornings be brighter, waking up with a mug that says ‘The Great Loubricator’? Don’t even answer that, because it looks like I already know the answer and it rhymes with YES; its YES.

And of course we are bringing back a better version of the ‘Dick Inspector’ caps. Perfect for that special parent in your life!

And more! Yep, I’m more than happy to oblige in jujing up your life!

I really need these to shift as I need to make £200k in about 6 weeks (and I’d rather you didn’t ask why) X

No but I love it. I’ve always wanted to be in a dance troupe, and as a lady over forty, the chances of this were certainly on the wain.  Not really the age, more that I had no formal training, no casual training and crucially cannot dance. Someone at a party on new years eve said ‘well obviously you’re dyspraxic’ and I thought WHAT, ME? I DON’T THINK SO.  So I crawled out from under the table where I was fishing around for my key, banged me head and fell over. Yes, I showed her alright. Actually the lady who said it is a babe, and a babe who talks sense. 

Anyway my first dance we really went out guns a blazing and the marks were low. SASSY OR WHAT?  But there’s now room for improvement! And when we get turfed out, I’m going to say: “I am not a quitter, I won’t give up! SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! I’ll wink at the camera and Brendyn and I will do a victory lap around the ice shouting ‘we are the champions’ until they get us off. And its live, so it should be a laugh. 

No, I never would disrespect tele like this. I’m mainstream ITV now don’t you know, and I have my soundbites ready: ‘Thank you for the opportunity to shine on primetime’. I bow, and shit myself. Good night! 

Anyway, have you booked tickets for my tour yet? It’s ages away but don’t let that stop you. It’ll come around fast and I want YOU to be front row, so I can show you my corn dolly. Not a euphemism.  I took all of my sixteen sons to a corn dolly workshop. 

OK, LOVE YOU BYE. 

Here’s the linky for tour gigs, book em up: HERE

Still a few more tour dates to come, including Dublin, Bristol and maybe Cork.

Register to vote on Dancing on Ice HERE cos on the night you have five seconds.

So I'm laying in bed talking to my computer. Is this love? 

Anyway, so much to discuss old friend. Starting with, I went to see Paul Foot’s show and it was terrific, go and see it if you can. Tickets are here it’s a Plosive production and you KNOW how I feel about Plosive (heart emojis and whatnot basically). 

The long and short of it is, Paul Foot is enlightened. Bloody heck! I love to see it. Am I envious? You bet I am! Seven gurus later, and I’m still shouting at a milk frother. I’m on my third frother now and delighted to report I have a winner and coming in at just £36.99 it is a bargain. That’s nine coffees at a popular high street coffee chain. Not an add, but I got this one - probably made in China - aren’t we all in a way?! 

Talking of envious, Grainne Maguire once coined a phrase ‘friendvious’ which I think is great - it means you want it for them but you want in to. So yeah, I’m friendvious but I want it for everyone. Not least Vladimir Putin et al, amiright?!

Anyway, Paul Foot; his brain just reconfigured itself and BINGO BANGO, he’s enlightened. And now he doesn’t suffer at all now because he’s, I can’t stress this enough… enlightened. I bet he never scrolls through social media thinking ‘what a wally’ about people. Or indeed himself. 

Eckhart Tolle got enlightened in a similar way. Have you read his book The Power of Now yet or what?  Oh you must! What a read. I listen to the audio book about twice a year to remind myself to change my whole personality. 

Anyway what if everyone started popping off and getting enlightened, that would be MEGA COOL. That would be a good film or actually better in RL! Imagine everyone erupting one by one, like popcorn, brains configuring into peace and joy! No egos, no billionaires, no separation, and then we start a new world with totally different priorities. Oh boi, sign me up. Imagine if this was the preamble to get you to join my cult haha.

Oh I also saw John Robins show and I laughed and cried. That guy is a world class stand up. But that’s over now, so good luck seeing that, I wish he’d just do the bastard on Netflix and help us all out. 

Do watch Harriet Kemsley’s show online though as she is divine - very funny bones and I find her very refreshing on the soul. She’s quite simply marvellous. Watch it here.

In other news, I’m having a great time doing Dancing on Ice (we call it DOI in the biz FYI). Anyhow my partner is Brendyn Hatfield and he’s a bit of a laugh and a great teacher, I’m very lucky there - got my perfect dance partner, he flings me around poor luv. And I really like Mark Hanretty too, he’s so elegant, and the good news is, I get to see him and Adele Roberts all the time because we train together. Adele is phenomenal, maybe the best skater and definitely the best human. She’s got a popped rib, a small broken bone in her arm and a stoma and she still skates better and harder than anyone - GO ON GEL! I’ll tell you what’s in tact - her big ole HEEAAARRRRT! 

Anyway so we are twizzling around and its so nice to be in your body and learn something new. I feel as lucky as a nepo baby to be doing the show. I really do. Even though I slammed on my baattttam today, it’s worth every minute, I adore rolling around on the ice. 

Oh and I made bagels from almond flour and yoghurt - I mean what a world. I did vegan yoghurt but you do you honey bunny. Link here but I am not on keto, its just from a keto website when I went to find it. 

Anyhow, I’m writing a new show for a tour (ages away), any topics you’d like discussed? 

Might get a personal trainer to drag me out of bed, but from all accounts, some of them drag you IN to bed! Tony I didn’t want to work on THOSE muscles you little scamp! 

Good lucky on enlightenment and tightenment and not being frightenment. 

My friend got me the best designed t shirts of me with my cats! And to say they are a ‘dick magnet’ is an understatement!

I hope this second letter finds you thriving and liv-ing your best days here on earthiepoos! 

I’m so happy not to be at the Edinburgh fringe. I’m spending that time very wisely; trying to psychically connect with my cat. It’s slow going and hard to know when we’ve broken through but if you think that’s going to put me off think again. Can you put CAT down on your hobbies? Anyway this wasn’t called cat news last time I checked, it was called ‘Cat’s Entertainment’ so yes, on we go. My friend stroked my cat so tenderly the other day I wanted to marry him (my friend not the cat, the cat and I happen to have already taken our nuptials thank you very much).  

I jest I’m not that wacky! Although one London woman did marry her cat so that landlords would take her more seriously which seems a bit counterintuitive. “Please take me seriously, and have you met my husband Fluffy Boo Boo”.

In other not hot news, I’ve got that Zoe patch thing so I can see what foods spike my blood sugar. I haven’t got the results back yet but I bet it will be stating the obvious; ‘yeah your blood sugar spiked a bit on the second magnum’. Was it ok after the brown rice salad. Yeah yeah, weirdly it was.  Honestly I think we’ve I’ve run out of ways to be narcissistic.  But, I did also give my car away last night, so I’m not the worst willy at the fair!

I’ve got a really fun quiz game where you have to guess averages. I’ll let you have a go right now… what’s the longest a chicken can live without its head? Think don’t scroll yet guess…

Don’t look yet, keep guessing.

Ok, it’s eighteen months. I mean that’s not standard - it was just one lucky / unlucky chap. But another chicken I read about played football. In China. So you tell me. You think you know chickens but not always, some of them are up to things behind your back! 

Anyhow my book is out today so waltz in to your local book seller and demand: “Please let me buy sixty eight copies of this wonderful manifesto”. 

People are saying that its the new bible. 

Get it here geni.us/LouSandersBook or from your local dealer. 

Lots of love to you and yours x X x

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Before it gets too raunchy, let’s lay out the terms and conditions; I’ll be writing to you here and there. Not too much - just enough.  Like good fashion, I will keep it fun and short.

It feels a bit one sided just giving you my news, but that won’t stop me! 

I’ve had a lovely week trying to kite board, I was really bad at it but I liked when the instructor stood behind me and put his arms around me, because he was an absolute hunk. I am a water baby.  And a hunk magnet. He actually had a gf and wasn’t right for me personality wise, and didn’t actually fancy me but let’s not let that get in the way. 

Big week for nature this week, thank you mother nature - top quality stuff from her once again!  I hugged a tree, and honestly it brings down your blood pressure, it does something to you maaaan. Obviously its fkkking embarrassing if anyone sees you, but I stand by it. Yes, I literally stand by the tree if anyone comes along. And I get my phone out LIKE A NORMAL PERSON.

A slight low point this week was when I asked some friends what country you have to go through to get to the earth’s core. I was removed from the quiz night. 

I am launching some exciting new merch very soon on the website, so keep your eyes BLASTED and I might bring back the old merch now I have a more sustainable system. Ooo I might canvas your opinions actually as to which ideas to go for. 

AND IN RED HOT NEWS…you can pre-order my book right now! There were 500 signed copies with Waterstones, so you might be able to nab one of them too - what a great gift for a loved one you might say! Buy it and keep it in your present drawer. Some have secret messages in too, and all of them have my real banking signature, which on reflection was a mistake! 

And of course you can get the audio book, ebook or hard back. Order now and enjoy yourself.  All options available HERE!

P.S. I’ve got a great company who have sorted my website out (Thinking Fox) because it was an absolute mess. Hence me starting a news letter of all things and coming soon the merch store.

Write to me and tell me how many brothers and sisters you have and if you have any pets. 

Lots of love! 

And yes in the audio version of this I said LIE down not LAY down but its important for you to see I am just as flawed as everyone else (sometimes).

I hope you manage to find joy or peace in the daily things. X