At a recent gathering, I was asked what I’ve learned about this stage of life, late adulthood. I could have said any number of things, but I believe one adjustment is most important: an attitude shift, change in perspective, a new view of this stage of life.

The term retirement conjures up images of withdrawal and endings, as this Forbes article describes.

The words “retire” and “retirement” derive from the French retirer, meaning to withdraw. The common definition of retirement today is to leave your job and stop working. Words shape our vision and thinking. As long as we keep using the word retirement or any derivative such as “the new retirement,” that whiff of withdrawal, of closure, of endings will linger. And so will visions of what the word evoked a generation ago: retirement as the time to stop working and, hopefully, enjoy yourself—travel, play golf, hop on an RV, pursue hobbies. At least until aging and infirmity catch up with you or your partner.

The ‘whiff of withdrawal’ is still in the air, which is why I prefer the term late adulthood to retirement. Late adulthood has the potential to be expansive, not constrictive. Late adulthood as we are now experiencing it is the exact opposite of what retirement meant to older generations. It’s not an ending, but a beginning; not a withdrawal, but a deposit on new adventures to come. If we shift our attitudes toward those expectations, late adulthood can be an expansive, growing, and transformative time of life.

At least four expansions might take place in late adulthood.

Identity

For many, retirement causes an identity crisis. After the confusion subsides there is a realization that you have always been more than your job. Reminders of previous interests come to mind, and your identity is amplified in every direction.

I wrote this in a 2024 article:

Who are you? You are a unique, complex, collection of personality traits, experiences, skills, knowledge and spiritual maturity, and in retirement, you will have to let go of your identity in terms of your career. Your career was necessary and important for others and for your development, but it is only one piece of the puzzle. The older you get, the more complex and interesting the puzzle grows.

In other words, your identity expands. You have always been yourself, but late adulthood is the time to recognize aspects that have gone unacknowledged or underdeveloped. As you grasp these aspects of your personality, it will be enlarged.

Use of Time

Gone are the days when you felt like you had all the time in the world to try out new activities, learn interesting things, and upgrade your intellect. Now, you realize that there are fewer years left to live than you have lived.

This makes the late adulthood years precious. You don’t want to waste them, so shift your thinking a bit and start every day with gratitude for the day and a reminder that this day is important.

Explore, expand your view of what you can do with your time, and use every day to the best of your ability. It doesn’t as much matter what you are doing as how well you are doing it. Ask God to lead your days and to give you energy to meet each day with your best attitude and performance.

It’s true, we don’t have as many years left as we have lived, but our use of available time can become more intentional and will feel expansive.

Purpose

I’ve been thinking about purpose quite a bit lately. I’ve whittled it down to the simple, but not easy, statement: Follow God’s lead. Only he knows how what we do will be threaded into his purpose, and his purpose is the only one that matters.

I’ve simplified the concept of a purpose which has enlarged my attitude toward pursuing it. Instead of wondering what my purpose is in this crazy world, I can simply trust God to lead me in the right direction. It opens my mind to possibilities and helps me to live in freedom.

Because of that Cross, I have been crucified in relation to the world, set free from the stifling atmosphere of pleasing others and fitting into the little patterns that they dictate. Galatians 6:15 MSG

Shifting my attitude from the common ‘little patterns’ of retirement to expectations of daily purpose in late adulthood offers me freedom. When we follow God’s lead, everything we do is significant.

It’s up to God to weave our work into his purpose. We don’t control the future; time is out of our hands. We only have responsibility for the present. So, live every day purposefully, expansively and with gratitude.

Spiritual maturity

Finally, in my opinion spiritual maturity has the potential to expand exponentially in late adulthood.

One of my good friends decided to read through the entire Bible in 2025, and we did it together. I was impressed that she was spending so much time and energy reading different translations, taking notes and asking questions. She had the time and was using it for spiritual growth, which I applaud.

Reading the Bible is the best way to get to know God, his heart, and his character. It’s his story; he is the protagonist of the entire Bible. If you desire, you can supplement with other ways to improve spiritual maturity such as serving, prayer, fasting, or meditation.

The point is to seek God. He is not hiding and will be found by anyone truly seeking him. Spend time getting to know God and your spiritual life will expand.

If you shift your attitude toward anticipating the new expanse of your identity, use of time, purpose, and spiritual maturity, instead of withdrawing, late adulthood will be a joyful and transformative time of life.

In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will… Ephesians 1:11

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Has your life expanded in late adulthood?

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Caring for oneself might have been at the bottom of a priority list while holding down a job, raising a family, and managing the demands of a household. In late adulthood time becomes available to concentrate on self-care, but it can still be difficult to do.

Our church has emphasized loving Jesus, loving others, and loving yourself, or JOY, based on Luke 10:27,

He answered, ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. Luke 10:27, NIV

JOY is a helpful way to remember what Jesus described as the greatest commandments, and loving yourself is definitely part of the equation.

The church has also done a survey asking which of the following three is hardest for respondents: loving Jesus, loving others, or loving themselves. Apparently, by far the most common answer is that those surveyed have trouble loving themselves.

I asked Pastor Karl why this was, and he responded as follows,

Through people’s comments the last couple times we’ve surveyed, we see that there are overtures of 1) being very self-critical and struggling with shame from past mistakes, 2) being overextended in life (cumulative work and activity scheduling demands), 3) being more the giver in relationships (caregiving for family and friends in various ways), 4) being raised to always think of yourself last (a false view that self-care is selfish)

I believe the self-imposed expectations and “normal” pace of life in our society mixed with the superabundant opportunities for distraction create conditions that are not hospitable to true, helpful self-care and soul care.

Those insightful comments are no doubt true of many people in all stages of life, however, in late adulthood it becomes more obvious that if we don’t take care of ourselves, we won’t be of much use to others.

Physical self-care

I’ve read numerous articles about eating right, getting enough exercise, sleeping 7-8 hours a night, and drinking enough water, and I attempt to do it all. However, that advice always seems a bit too basic, for everyone knows they need to eat healthy food, move their bodies, and sleep. Knowing and doing are two very different things.

Each of us knows the areas with which we have trouble. We’ve tried to get more exercise but it’s often low on our priority list. We stock up on fruits and vegetables that eventually get tossed because we’ve never gotten around to eating them. And it’s not easy to get 7-8 hours of sleep. I’ve tried; it doesn’t always happen.

In reading Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl, I may have found an answer to my sleep issue. The last half of the book is a discussion of logotherapy, his psychiatric theory, and he describes a technique he calls paradoxical intention.

A man came to him who had a fear of perspiring, which made him perspire more, which increased his fear, and so on. Frankl advised him as follows,

…in the event that sweating should recur, to resolve deliberately to show people how much he could sweat. p. 116

It worked.

So, on a recent night when I worked at the library until 9:00 pm - those nights are particularly wakeful - I told myself that I was going to stay up as late as possible. I went to sleep.

Articles telling me to sleep 7-8 hours a night were not at all helpful, but Frankl’s book, of all things, gave me an idea that worked.

In whatever area you feel the need to improve physically, use your judgement, you know yourself, what works and what doesn’t, be open to ideas that come from unusual sources, and love yourself enough to become physically able to love Jesus and love others.

Emotional self-care

The need for emotional self-care is not as easy to detect as the need for physical self-care. People in great physical shape can be struggling emotionally, but no one, sometimes not even the struggling individual, understands.

Some days I feel emotionally depleted for no apparent reason - my emotional energy is not what it used to be. I want to love others, and there are more family members and friends to love, but emotionally I need a time out.

In late adulthood we experience more loss, have health issues ourselves or care for those we love, and other challenges that affect our emotional energy. Some of these things weigh heavily on us, which can be draining.

Be aware of your emotional state, don’t ignore it, share your feelings with a spouse or close friend, and go ahead and mourn or feel exhausted or frustrated, for these are legitimate feelings. Read the Psalms for honest expressions of emotional exhaustion.

A quiet day, a bit of silence, spending time reading the Bible and journaling, and honestly praying my praise, gratitude and requests generally restores my emotional energy.

We can’t love others well if we’re emotionally exhausted.

Spiritual self-care

Loving Jesus and knowing without a doubt that we are loved by God, no matter what, every minute of every day, is by far the most important aspect of self-care. Actually, it’s not so much self-care as going to the One who is able to care for us and lead us to spiritual maturity better than we are able to ourselves.

Every day when I read my Bible, I come to know God a little better. Some days I feel his love, am encouraged or challenged by a passage, and I must admit, other days I just read it and go about my business. But every minute spent with God is valuable.

Without love for Jesus, we can’t truly love others and ourselves well.

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Ask God what the next step is for your spiritual maturity. It might be a Bible study, or an area of service, or establishing a regular place and time for prayer. Late adulthood is the perfect stage of life to invest in spiritual growth.

The more we become like Jesus, which is the goal of spiritual maturity, the better we will love him, love others, and love ourselves.

Live your late adulthood years with JOY, and don’t forget to love yourself.

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Do you find it difficult to take care of yourself physically, emotionally or spiritually? If so, which one is most troublesome?

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After working in high stress environments, with every minute of your days scheduled, and others depending on you to do your job on time and within budget, you might occasionally struggle with boredom when you retire.

I had never thought much about the concept of boredom, other than it is to be avoided. At one of my kid’s graduations, I remember the speaker saying that there was no such thing as a boring day, only boring people. I thought that was clever and used that line many times on my eye-rolling children.

Then I saw Harvard University Press’s review of the book Out of My Skull: The Psychology of Boredom, which summarized the work as follows.

Psychologists James Danckert and John Eastwood contend that boredom isn’t bad for us. It’s just that we do a bad job of heeding its guidance. When we’re bored, our minds are telling us that whatever we are doing isn’t working—we’re failing to satisfy our basic psychological need to be engaged and effective.

Heeding the guidance of boredom was a new idea for me, so I decided to read the book. It was interesting.

The authors say that,

…the bored brain is not simply a brain with nothing to do but a brain that is hoping for, anticipating the possibility of something to do…boredom is the uncomfortable feeling of wanting, but being unable to, engage in satisfying activity.1

It strikes me that many in late adulthood know exactly what that feels like. Your mental capacity is underutilized, and you know it.

In late adulthood our goals are often nebulous, not clearly identified or stated, and we don’t know what to do with our well-developed brains in this stage of life. We keep busy, but busyness isn’t the same as fully engaging our brains. We can be bored in our busyness.

Interestingly, the authors note that it’s a little like adolescence.

Teenagers and septuagenarians are both deeply uneasy when they have too much time on their hands and nothing to do with it. We’re not built to have endless hours of wandering through a mall when school is over. And we’re not built to sit at home and watch game shows and soap operas all day to fill out our retirement years. Boredom at the bookends of life, from cradle to grave, signals to us that we need something more.2

This is not the first comparison of late adulthood and teenage years that I’ve read. Teenagers are looking forward to developing a career, learning, and creating, and those of us in late adulthood realize that we’ve done those things but still have more to offer. Both teenagers and late adults are not sure what the future holds.

The cultural view of retirement hasn’t caught up with the reality that we have decades of life ahead of us and we want to live those years well.

Boredom doesn’t happen to us; we also have a part to play. When we recognize that we are a bit bored, we have options. We can distract ourselves with social media, television, or YouTube, but these activities can actually increase boredom as they temporarily occupy us but are not ultimately engaging. Some begin addictive behaviors like gambling, too much alcohol, or drugs, none of which lead to a good place.

Boredom is not necessarily bad; our responses to can be negative or positive.

In our attempts to outrun boredom we rob ourselves of the chance to learn how to be in the moment and redirect our energies in positive ways. To discover what it is we most deeply want to do, we need to tolerate periods of down time, time not filled by something guiding our thoughts and behavior from the outside. By accepting the risk of being bored we have the chance to find the antidote. Rather than fighting against boredom, accepting a boring situation gives us what we need to be free of it - the chance to identify our desires and goals so that we become engaged on our terms, as agents, committed to a purposeful course of action.3

Identifying desires and goals is not easy, may involve trial and error along with boring moments or days. The advice of these authors is to determine desires and goals and take purposeful action.

Read a good non-fiction book, call a friend and schedule a time to meet, begin that project that you’re putting off, purge one of your closets, check into volunteer opportunities and try one, or research a topic that you’ve been wanting to better understand. Then take the next step. Maybe the book taught you something interesting; learn more about it. The volunteer activity may or may not have fit your interests well, if it did, keep it up, of not, try another one. And there’s always another closet to organize.

The book summarizes their advice as follows:

In lieu of simple answers, we suggest the following principles. Seek out activities that clarify, rather than obscure, your desires and goals. Pursue goals that give expression to your values - things that matter to you. Do things for their own sake, rather than as a means to avoid something else. Pick activities that enchant your surroundings, so you are drawn into ever-deeper connections…Act so as to express and expand your efficacy. And find activities that engage you as a unique person and express who you are.

Boredom confronts us with the simple yet profound question: What will you do? It demands an answer. There are few more significant questions.4

What will you do? It is a highly significant question for those who want to engage their brains and live to the fullest in late adulthood. I still avoid boredom, but now I know a little better what to do when it hits.

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How do you deal with boredom?

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Be all you can be! Reach your highest potential! Live life on your own terms! There is always a better version of ourselves that we can dream of, and I don’t think any human has become the absolute best they can be.

Self-actualization is a term made popular by Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs - basic needs such as food and shelter, psychological needs like relationships and accomplishment, and finally, at the top of the pile, self-actualization. Self-actualization was established in a 1943 paper, A Theory of Human Motivation.

What a man can be, he must be. This need we call self-actualization. Abraham Maslow

Examples of self-actualized people according to this article are,

To give some real-world examples of (presumably) self-actualized people, Maslow (1970) also once named a few people who he considered to have reached a level of self-actualization in their lifetimes. These included: Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, Albert Einstein, Eleanor Roosevelt…

Those names set an unrealistically high bar for becoming all I can be.

As I look over my life to this point, I know that I have not reached my highest potential nor have I always lived life on my own terms. Maybe some of you have - I congratulate you - but I fall short. If I had understood then what I understand now, I would have made a few different choices.

The search for self-actualization, or self-fulfillment, and a meaningful purpose for an individual life is a first world problem and an outgrowth of our individualized, wealthy and hyper-connected culture. To achieve self-actualization, a goal, a grand purpose, is required. Those who haven’t yet discovered a purpose feel deflated when they compare themselves to those they follow on Instagram who have thousands of followers and a clearly identified purpose.

Limits to self-actualization

As mentioned, self-actualization is defined as reaching your full potential, knowing and becoming fully yourself, but it assumes that your self is the highest goal attainable, your human potential is the limit.

There is only so fast we can run, only so many hours we can work, only so much intelligence we have, only so much we can accomplish. The people Maslow mentioned as becoming self-actualized were impressive, worked diligently, and impacted human history, but even they probably missed the mark at some point. Self-actualization is limited to human potential.

God-actualization

I’ve never heard of that term - just made it up - but it offers a succinct contrast to self-actualization. To become God-actualized would be to become more like him, desire what he desires, surrender more fully, and his work would become highly important.

God-actualization is another way to think of spiritual transformation. Spiritual transformation is the process of becoming more like Christ. We’ll never be fully transformed this side of eternity, but we can get closer.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2 NIV

The wisdom of the world is foolishness to God, and the world thinks God’s ways are upside-down. He says to become more yourself you must surrender yourself. To achieve self-actualization, you must first give up your goals and become God-actualized. Self-actualization is the world’s way of achieving notoriety, but the difficult and unseen work of transformation from the inside-out is God’s strategy.

To become exactly who God created us to be is our purpose.

We don’t choose it; he has chosen us and given us a purpose. Ultimately, God-actualization will lead us beyond perfect self-actualization. Self-actualization without God will cause a painful bumping into the ceiling of our own limits.

In order to achieve our eternally significant goals, to become who God created us to be, we participate in his divine nature and can depend on him to make sure we develop into the individuals he wants us to become.

Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. 2 Peter 1:4

This is what I didn’t understand when I was starting out. I hadn’t thought about becoming the best I could be and simply did the next logical thing at every stage. Rarely, if ever, did I consult God. Sometimes I wonder what my life to this point would have been like if I had been more spiritually mature at a younger age. The fact is, I wasn’t, but somewhere in my 30s I became interested in what God had to say and started studying the Bible. The surrendering has been a process, but I’m getting there, and through it all God has been transforming me. I trust God now has me where he wants me.

We become fully self-actualized when we surrender our desires and submit to God-actualization. We live eternally meaningful lives by honoring and trusting God in all we do, upholding our responsibilities, caring for family, friends, and those who need a hand, and enduring difficulties with grace and gratitude. It doesn’t always feel like self-fulfillment, but God is more interested in our character than he is in our accomplishments.

Ironically, if we raise the bar for self-actualization beyond our human potential and ask God to transform us, we have a better chance of becoming the best we can be. Others may not notice, but God will.

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Do you think it’s counter intuitive to surrender to God to become all you can be?

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I know people living expansive lives; they are curious, generous, involved with many different people, places and things, and their lives are expanding. They see possibility, not limits, in their future and are not defeated by cultural constraints.

A career is stimulating, expands knowledge, and offers financial rewards, but it might also constrain you to become your career and narrow your self-perception.

Late adulthood is the time to release constraints

The pieces of your identity have been with you throughout your life, but some have understandably been forgotten, ignored, or given up on for years. Late adulthood is an excellent time to explore those interests and add color to the puzzle of your life.

With the wisdom of experience, fewer obligations, and a clearer sense of what really matters, this season of life can be one of your most vibrant.

Be sure and ask yourself some important questions before moving forward, such as: What do you value most in life? When did you feel happiest? What do you feel is missing from your life now? Is there something you’ve always wanted to do or loved in the past that was pushed aside? What do you want your life to look like in five years? Ten?1

Following are some attitudes that may inhibit expansion and growth in late adulthood.

It’s too late to learn new skills, acquire knowledge, or begin new hobbies.

Nope, that is bunk.

If you have an area of interest, learn about it, take or audit a class, and pursue increased knowledge. I obtained a master’s degree in communications and culture when I was 55 years old, and my electrical engineer husband received a Master of Divinity degree at age 60.

Longitudinal studies of adults over age 65 have shown that learning is anything but over, as this article in Yale School of Public Health shows.

Analyzing more than a decade of data from a large, nationally representative study of older Americans, lead author Dr. Becca R. Levy, PhD, a professor of social and behavioral sciences at the Yale School of Public Health (YSPH), found that nearly half of adults aged 65 and older showed measurable improvement in cognitive function, physical function, or both, over time.

You’re not creative

Many of us were told that we’re left brain dominant and are not very creative. Others were told that they’re right brain dominant and would never make it as an engineer. The article Left Brain vs, Right Brain: Fact or Fiction summarizes this fallacy as follows.

In the 1960s, neuroscience research showed that one side of the brain tends to be more dominant in each person. Since then, many people have categorized themselves as “left-brained” (analytical, methodical, logical) or “right-brained” (artsy, creative, emotional).

Recent research shows that the human mind is beautifully complex, constantly changing, and made for learning and growth. Each side controls different functions throughout the body, and both sides work together in amazing ways to help us become our best selves.

It turns out that while different parts of the brain are responsible for different functions, they work together and no one is completely left-brained or right-brained. Sometimes the left side of the brain will take over and other times the right side has the necessary skill.

If you have the time and interest, late adulthood is the time to explore your creativity. A friend of mine retired about a year ago and has thrown herself into quilting. She always had a creative streak, and now it’s blossoming. Painting, dreaming up landscape designs, woodworking, sewing, creative writing, knitting and others are activities that might reignite creativity.

You have no purpose

Once again, that’s simply not true.

If you formerly thought of your purpose in terms of your career, this constraint is difficult to overcome. Look beyond the purpose of your job, and know that it can take a while to see a larger and perhaps more impactful purpose after retirement.

As I wrote in this newsletter’s last article,

Purpose is not something we set out to invent or achieve; it’s something we discover in the working, serving, living and loving.

While taking a walk, I ran into a friend who told me of a presentation she had attended by holocaust survivor Steen Metz. Metz is a 91-year-old man who has been speaking to students, churches, and community organizations about his experience in a concentration camp in WWII. He said the most important thing his mother taught him while in the work camp was to hang on to hope.

He began to share his experiences in 2012 when he was 77 years old. He feels his purpose is to continue to transmit his message to others as long as he is able. Given that he is still going strong, it may be a while!

The thousands of people who have attended his presentations are thankful that he continued to pursue a purpose in his 70s. We don’t have as dramatic a story to tell, but everyone still has an important purpose.

Don’t let cultural constraints box you in

Late adulthood is a season for living a more expansive life, discovering who you are in a deeper and spiritual sense, and working, serving, living and loving with intention.

There is but one solution to the intricate riddle of life: to improve ourselves and contribute to the happiness of others. ~ Mary Shelley, British novelist

At this point in life, I am who I am. You are who you are. I’m learning that the more I know the more I realize how much I don’t know, but I’m the best I can be at this moment.

That’s all any of us can do.

But the point is not to just get by. We want to live well, but our foremost efforts should be to help others live well. I Corinthians 10:24 The Message

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Have you woken up to constraints that have held you back? If so, how did you break through them?

Thank you, Karen, for letting me know of Steen Metz!

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The book The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth am I Hear For? by Rick Warren made quite a splash when it was published in 2002. It has sold over 50 million copies, has been translated into multiple languages, and is one of the most successful non-fiction books written to date.

I don’t remember much from the book - I read it over 20 years ago - but I still remember the attention getting first line: It’s not about you. The first chapter is titled It All Starts with God. Putting those two sentences together offers a short summary of the book.

The Purpose Driven Life’s immense popularity suggested that we’re all looking for a defined purpose, one that we can express, a guide for life, true north, something to give our lives meaning beyond our daily routine.

Some seem to have been given a life-defining purpose from an early age, but I venture a guess that most of us have not been so fortunate. When we were younger, we might have described our purpose as becoming educated, earning a living, starting a family, being a responsible mother or father, and as the years went on, we might have thought our purpose was primarily in our income earning job. That is part of our purpose, and for some it’s a big part, but it’s not the main thing.

Richard Rohr says in his book Falling Upward that the first half of life is for building a container for our largely material assets, and in the second half of life we stop building and begin to use, appreciate, pass on, and expand the intangible assets we’ve accumulated. Late adulthood might be the time that we begin to see our purpose.

Actually, I believe we each have multiple purposes that come and go in different seasons of life, and as we mature spiritually, we will have a better sense of our God given purpose. It often takes a lifetime to understand a purpose.

Like many things in late adulthood, purpose becomes less about what we have and more about who we are, less about earning accolades and more about transmitting what we have learned to the next generations, less about what must be done and more about what we desire to do.

My husband has said he hasn’t defined his purpose since he retired, and I don’t think that’s unusual. As I think about what Dan is doing, teaching math to our homeschooled grandchildren, mentoring a 1st grader, investing in our church, volunteering his time at Community Bible Study and participating in two small groups, he demonstrates a purpose of developing Christian character in children and adults. He desires to disciple others.

Our culture is inherently individualistic and has led to an expectation that each of us should discover a grand purpose for our lives. We ponder what that might be and feel like we’re missing something if we can’t quite comprehend a satisfying purpose. In my experience, that is not the way to discern one’s purpose.

Purpose is not something we set out to invent or achieve; it’s something we discover in the working, serving, living and loving.

As Rick Warren writes, it all starts with God. Reading stories in the Bible, we might get the impression that we will all get an assignment directly from the Lord, like Moses, David, or Paul, but most of us go through life somewhat cluelessly making decisions as best we can. It’s only looking back that we maybe begin to perceive a purpose.

The book of Ruth gives us a good example of a wonderful purpose that was not understood during her lifetime. She and her mother-in-law Naomi lived during the time of the Judges, which was a time of rebellion, falling under the power of hostile nations, crying out to God for relief, and God raising up a judge to defeat the enemy. Repeat. Repeat again. Israel was going down the drain.

The story of Ruth zooms in on a woman who lived lovingly, obediently, and selflessly. She was a poor foreign widow, and as far as we know God never gave her a specific assignment. She followed her mother-in-law back to Bethlehem, went gleaning in a field not knowing that the owner was Boaz, a relative of Naomi’s. Boaz instructed his workers to leave grain for Ruth to pick up and treated her well. To make a long story short, Ruth and Boaz married, had a son who became the grandfather of David and ancestor of Jesus.

Ruth simply did her best to make a living for herself and her mother-in-law. What was her purpose? Much of her life was difficult, and at the end of her life she might have said it was to love, grieve, survive, and eventually thrive. But generations later, it became clear that God had a much more significant purpose for her.

We’ll never know the full purpose of our lives this side of eternity. Life is still playing out and the influence we’ve had will not necessarily be seen in our lifetimes. Any invented purpose we had for ourselves was ridiculously short sighted.

Our purpose expands in late adulthood. When we were younger, if we thought of it at all, it was largely about the next 5 or 10 years. Now, many of us desire to pass along the wisdom we have gained throughout our lives, to show our children and grandchildren that we love them, to maintain current relationships and develop new ones, and to spiritually enrich others.

What on earth am I here for?

Rick Warren is correct; it’s not about you. The more we make it about ourselves, the less we will fulfill our God-given purpose. For Christians, our ultimate purpose is to follow Jesus and trust him to lead us to our earthly purpose, even if we don’t understand it.

…for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. Philippians 2:13

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Are you one of the lucky ones who understood your purpose from a young age or are you just beginning to understand what it is?

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My husband and I attended a discussion group about the book Soundtracks by Jon Acuff a few months ago. At one point, the leader asked what soundtracks run through our minds that are not true, helpful or kind, and a woman who is retired said, “I’m too old.” Another woman seconded her comment.

They knew it wasn’t true, helpful or kind, but they still had to fight against that soundtrack. Where does that soundtrack come from?

Age is no barrier. It’s a limitation you put on your mind. ~Jackie Joyner-Kersee

I can think of a few cultural elements that tempt us to limit our minds because of our age.

Entertainment

When we see a movie or stream a series, the actors and actresses are often relatively young and they look fabulous. Movie stars are supposed to look fabulous, we tell ourselves. Then, as we brush our teeth that evening, we look in the mirror to see a face that once looked young but now shows evidence of age.

According to Stephen Follows, the average age of the top billed three actors in movies is going up by about 3 months a year. In 2019 it was 42.4, and it’s heading in the right direction, but there are still fewer late adult actors and actresses.

For a long time, the film business regarded the oldest demographic subdivision imaginable as “45 years old to death” (albeit publicly they labelled this as simply “45+” for brevity and politeness). This reflects epic ageism, the focus on movies for younger audiences and the effect cinema advertisers have on audience data collection.

Apparently, 45+ people don’t go to movies as often as younger folks. Perhaps if movies were made with good story lines and actors of all ages more people in the 45+ crowd would spend more money at the theater. I admit, when I see ads or read reviews of upcoming releases, they rarely appeal to me.

Ken Dychtwald, PhD and Robert Morison in their book, What Retirees Want: A Holistic View of Life’s Third Age recognize that ageism blinds organizations to the facts.

Today most market research, marketing dollars, and advertising dollars are still funneled toward young people. Does this make good business sense? We don’t think so. The ranks of today’s retirees are growing, and perhaps more importantly, living in new ways and eager to try all sorts of new things. But ageism continues to blind organizations and prevent them from seeing the growth potential of the retiree market. And ageism takes many forms, some of which we are so accustomed to, they become invisible.1

If you notice organizations or industries that display epic ageism, consider spending your money elsewhere.

Beauty and Fashion

The beauty industry has a financial interest in ageism, as they sell products to keep us looking young.

However, there are indications that things are changing. The fashion industry is beginning to understand that women over 50 have more disposable income to spend on their products. The New York Times article Why Fashion Suddenly Loves Older Women by Vanessa Friedman puts it this way:

Even though economists have been talking for decades about the power of what is referred to as the silver dollar or the gray market, fashion has generally given the idea short shrift in its public-facing initiatives — until now.

“The reality is that half of the spending power is in the 50-plus cohort, and half of the growth in spending power is in the 50-plus cohort,” said Gemma D’Auria, the global co-leader of the fashion, luxury and specialty retail practice at the McKinsey consulting firm. At a time when the growth of luxury has slowed or stalled, ignoring a major consumer group is simply not good strategy.

One could argue that it was never a good strategy, and now that it’s affecting the bottom-line businesses are taking notice. Money has a way of attracting attention.

Perhaps if we’re aware of anti-agist companies, we can spend our resources on their products.

Ageism is still a socially acceptable bias

My husband worked for a non-profit organization for 8 years, and they were all about racial, ethnic, and gender diversity. But they seemed to have had a blind spot when it came to ageism. He said that there were times when he felt identified as the old white guy.

Ageism is a bias that we will all face, if we’re lucky enough to reach the age when it’s obvious. When I was young, I rarely thought about old age except when my grandparents were around - I loved them, but they were old. To become old seemed light years away.

When you are treated as if you can’t handle something you have been handling for decades, chances are the offender doesn’t realize they are displaying age bias. A kind word to that effect may open their eyes to their unconscious bias.

Our own view of aging

Finally, it’s important to keep a positive view of ageing for your own health.

Becca Levy, PhD, in her book Breaking the Age Code: How Your Beliefs About Aging Determine How Long & Well You Live, reports on her research showing that how we think about aging ourselves has an impact on our brain, health, and happiness. We are healthier when we have a positive view of growing older.

In study after study I conducted, I found that older people with more-positive perceptions of aging performed better physically and cognitively than those with more-negative perceptions; they were more likely to recover from severe disability, they remembered better, they walked faster, and they even lived longer.2

We are all aging, and there isn’t one day when we suddenly become old. If you’re struggling to overcome an ageist soundtrack in your mind, remember that the most important thing you can to do is remind yourself that your attitude toward aging is more influential than the entertainment, beauty and fashion industries, their advertising and random ageism you will inevitably run into.

Ageism can remind us not to trust corporations and advertising with our identities or to inform us that we’re old. As a Christian, my primary identity is not my age, looks, education, or status, but I am a beloved child of God. I trust Him.

Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. Isaiah 43:4

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Quote from: 50 Of The Best Positive Aging Quotes I Could Find

While working out in the basement on a Monday morning, with NCIS on the TV for distraction, God spoke to me. I know, it’s not the typical moment for a word from the Lord. He’s funny that way.

Let me explain.

The previous week had been quiet. Our daughter and her family were on vacation, so we didn’t have our usual Tuesday visit with them, my mom and dad were in isolation, so I didn’t see them either, and we had no social plans. Actually, I was fine with that, because the week before had been crazy and I wanted to write a few articles before we went on vacation. I thanked God for giving me extra free time.

Fine.

But by Saturday and Sunday, I was feeling down and didn’t understand why. My to-do list was complete - always satisfying - but I was tired, and I figured that was the reason. However, on Monday morning I still felt low energy, kind of depressed.

I didn’t specifically pray while doing lunges but was wondering why I felt melancholy. Suddenly, I had the answer. God didn’t speak to me audibly - I just knew - and I’ll give God the credit.

The reason I was feeling blue was that I hadn’t engaged in much social interaction the previous week. This realization reminded me of an article I wrote over a month ago on mattering based on the book Mattering: The Secret to a Life of Deep Connection and Purpose by Jennifer Breheny Wallace.

There’s a growing tendency in our culture to treat responsibility to others as an inconvenience, an obligation to dodge or delegate. In trying to guard against burnout or preserve autonomy, we can begin to see every task as a threat, like one more thing to manage rather than a sign that we matter. P. 40

That was an eye opener to me when I read it, for I have occasionally seen responsibility to others as an obligation rather than a pleasure. My quiet week reinforced the truth that spending time with others - from age 2 to 95 - is a privilege, often fun, and necessary for a healthy and happy life.

Finding opportunity to enter into social situations can be daunting for those who have retired and are looking for like-minded people, purpose, and a place to get involved. For those who don’t have children or grandchildren nearby and/or are not involved in a church or another organization that offers activity, it’s easy to see how they might go down a rabbit hole of unhappiness.

The lack of social connection poses a significant risk for individual health and longevity. Loneliness and social isolation increase the risk for premature death by 26% and 29% respectively. More broadly, lacking social connection can increase the risk for premature death as much as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.1

Also, AI tells me that recent data has shown that Americans over 65 spend an average of 4 hours and 20 minutes a day watching TV. My guess is there is a connection between lack of face-to-face communication with others, loneliness, depression, and excessive television.

It’s easier to get comfy, stay home, read a book, or stream a series than it is to entertain or meet a friend for dinner. Sometimes, fortunately not all the time, it’s easier to live in my own head than it is to let others’ thoughts and ideas crack the fortress of my thinking.

I’ve written about this before, but it bears repeating: Social engagement is key to highly functional and purposeful late adult years.

The trick is to find the right balance between social opportunities and rest. My husband is an introvert, and we both had to make serious adjustments to our social planning when we got married. When our calendar had one commitment on the weekend, he declared it busy and had no room for anything else. I was amazed. I am a just over the line extravert, and my idea of a busy weekend included three or more activities. I enjoyed them all.

My husband has become more extraverted, and I’ve become more introverted over the years. We’ve become more comfortable with who we are, are not as focused on building relationships as we were in younger years, extraverts become a bit less extraverted and everyone becomes more introverted. I believe my husband has become more open to relationships than he was earlier in life. He’s still an introvert, but he understands the benefits of relationships. I’m still an extravert, as my quiet week reminded me, but I still need time by myself.

As we age, we have less emotional and physical energy and may need more time to recover from the stress of social activity. The trick is to find balance. Sometimes it’s out of our control, and we recognize that some weeks will be socially jammed and others will be way too quiet. I feel like Goldilocks. At times our social calendar is too big and other times it’s too small. Once in a while, it’s just right.

It takes intentionality and effort to keep in touch with friends, spend time with family, and give yourself opportunities to develop new relationships, and while it’s extremely rewarding it can also be exhausting. Quiet weeks can be helpful.

My quiet week taught me to enjoy every energizing opportunity to interact with others and to accept quiet weeks as necessary time to rest, talk to God, and be refreshed.

So, I renewed my commitment to enjoy each day and count my blessings, and thank God for family, friends, acquaintances, purpose and for quiet days to spend more time with Him. Maybe I won’t feel quite so blue the next time I have a quiet week.

God, my shepherd! I don’t need a thing. You have bedded me down in lush meadows, you find me quiet pools to drink from. True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right direction. Psalm 23:1-3 The Message

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Are you an extravert or an introvert? What is your just right schedule?

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The Titanic collided with a 100,000-year-old iceberg that is estimated to have come from Greenland, or so AI says, and the results were disastrous. The unsinkable ship sank.

We don’t want our late adulthood years to sink because we haven’t looked below the surface and dealt with unrealistic expectations or miscommunication until it’s too late.

Cyn Meyer, in her book The Rewire Retirement Method: From Aimless to Amazing, describes the approach many take to retirement as an iceberg with financial planning above the water and many important aspects under the surface.

You have the traditional Financial Panning topic on top, and below the surface are massively important factors that remain invisible, such as purpose, passions, contribution, freedom, self-care, spirituality, sense of belonging, accomplishments, feeling relevant, spontaneity, relationships, love and self-actualization. p. 59

That’s quite a list of unexamined facets of retirement. Today we’ll consider relationships, specifically family relationships.

My husband retired for the first time before age 50. We had discussed the financial implications, and I roughly knew what he intended to do with his time, but I don’t remember having conversations about what it would mean for our daily lives.

We hadn’t thought about the myriad ways that retirement would affect our personal plans and came to realize that it would have been advantageous to have looked under the surface of the retirement iceberg earlier. Thankfully, we understood much more when he retired for the second time.

Relationships with children

The first time he retired our children were still home and thought it was cool that their dad was more available. No problems whatsoever. We don’t have any issues with our adult kids now either, but I imagine that some adult children might have inaccurate assumptions about availability for childcare or other assistance when their parents retire.

On the other hand, it’s possible that retirees want to spend more time with their children and grandchildren than the children have available, which can cause conflict.

In both of these cases, chances are that there is more under the surface that needs to be examined. I did a little research on the Iceberg Model - never knew there was such a thing - and found websites such as this one and this one that have helpful information. There are multiple patterns, systems, structures and mental models that can complicate issues surrounding an event, such as retirement.

Retirement is a big enough adjustment without family conflict entering the picture. It’s a good idea to have a conversation with family members before retirement, or at least before any problems arise. Ask your children what their expectations are and discuss your plans and availability. If there is disagreement, ask questions, listen attentively, and attempt to understand their position. Then spell out your constraints, availability, and desires. Even if the conversation is difficult, it’s out in the open, and hopefully you will be able to work it out before it becomes a serious problem.

When our daughter was expecting their first child, she asked us if we could take care of him one day a week. We gave an enthusiastic answer of yes, and we’ve been doing that for 15 years and 3 more children. It’s been a delight. If she had asked for full time or even 2 or 3 days a week, I think we would have balked. I appreciated that she asked for one day a week; it was perfect.

Relationship with your spouse

When Dan retired the first time, it hadn’t occurred to me that we had different ideas about how we’d spend our time. I assumed that my schedule would continue as it was. I’m not sure why I made that assumption, but I quickly realized that it was incorrect. It would have been wise to discuss this before he retired.

Perhaps your spouse has retired but you haven’t, or vice versa, and there’s conflict over retirement status. Or maybe you’re both retired but have different views of what retirement looks like. Either way, it can be challenging.

Gray divorce, defined as divorce among those over age 50, has been accelerating in recent years. There are many factors attributing to gray divorce, but unresolved issues around retirement certainly wouldn’t help.

Whereas fewer than one in 10 people divorcing in 1970, 1980, and 1990 were aged 50 or older, by 2010 the share was one in four. As of 2019, one in three people getting divorced in the United States was aged 50 or older, a vivid illustration of the graying of divorce.1

Once again, I suspect there are issues under the iceberg that need to be brought into the open. What are your desires for retirement? How do your desires match with your partner’s? If one wants to see the world and the other would rather stay home, that will necessitate a conversation and some compromise. It could be that such a difference of opinion has been a problem previously in the relationship but was never resolved. Retirement can bring things to a boiling point.

Counseling would be extremely helpful, perhaps necessary, to work through the emotions and challenges that retirement may raise.

Late adulthood is an opportunity to examine feelings that have been ignored or stuffed under the iceberg for decades. Communication is essential and counseling may be advantageous. Uncomfortable conversations and difficult realizations may lead to healthier relationships and smoother sailing for these wonderful years of late adulthood.

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Have you faced any relational challenges in late adulthood? If so, were you surprised by them?

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While taking care of my almost two-year-old granddaughter, reading the same book several times, watching her open and close doors on a toy over and over, encouraging her every time she said ‘up’ and ‘down’ while moving tabs on a page, I remembered when my kids were small and doing similar things. It wasn’t terribly thought provoking for me as a mom, but I knew it was a necessary developmental stage for them. My mom always told me to enjoy those days, but some of them went on forever.

Now, time goes by much faster, perhaps because each day is a smaller percentage of my lived experience, there are more people to love and care for, and there are still things I’d like to do.

How does one slow down time?

God and Time

I believe that God created time. God exists outside of time; it’s his creation. He sees all of human history while we’re stuck in the middle of it. That’s why his prophecies were true - he sees their reality - and why we can believe his promises, for he sees them fulfilled.

Time is a resource that cannot be accumulated, and when a day is done, it’s forever finished. Late adulthood is no occasion for wasting the precious resource of time, but what to do with it is not aways clear.

All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. — J.R.R. Tolkien

It’s easier said than done. We have more time to use at our discretion, yet we know that we are more than halfway through our lives, and we want to make these years the best they can be. There are unlimited options for how we might spend our days. What to do?

Journeys in Time

Looking back over my years, I see many, many ordinary days and several milestone moments. It’s the habits we build, the relationships we establish, the work we do in ordinary days that lead to milestone days. Sometimes it’s the small things that make a life larger.

When you take the small roads, you see the life that goes on there, this makes your own life larger. ― Elizabeth Berg

When I was in my 20s and 30s, life was just beginning, and I felt like I had all the time in the world. Then life got busy. While getting married, raising a family, learning new skills, and establishing relationships my to-do list wasn’t my own. I simply reacted to responsibilities, opportunities and commitments.

In the intervening years, there have been difficulties and successes, goals achieved and goals abandoned, prayers answered wonderfully and others responded to with “wait” or “no.” In other words, life. It’s lived on small roads, rough roads, steep roads and big, beautiful roads. When we realize that it is all part of life, our lives become larger.

The most important thing in life is knowing the most important things in life. — David F. Jakielo

At this point in my life, having been down smooth and a few rough roads, I have a better grasp on the most important things in life, not perfectly, but I’m getting closer. I realize that God trains us on rough roads, blesses us on smooth roads, gives us strength on steep roads and rest on beautiful roads. He’s in it all.

If we were outside of time, like God is, how would we see our days? Imagine God watching our lives, giving us direction, whether we’re listening our not, and desiring that we trust him. I imagine him communicating, I’ve got it under control. Trust me. When you hit rough roads, remember that I have never failed you. Ooh! Enjoy this road - I created it just for you! Above all, remember that there is so much more ahead.

This time, like all times, is a very good one, if we but know what to do with it. — Ralph Waldo Emerson

This day is another ordinary day. If I’m walking with God, thanking him for being with me, trusting him, depending on him in every situation, and asking for whatever is on my mind, this day will be a very good one.

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. — Steve Jobs

I want to live the life God has called me to live, the life he’s put in front of me. This life is the result of choices I made along the way, events over which I had no control, reactions to the needs of others, and plenty of prayer. Ultimately, it is the life that God has given me, and it’s a good life.

Have regular hours for work and play; make each day both useful and pleasant and prove that you understand the worth of time by employing it well. Then youth will bring few regrets and life will become a beautiful success. — Louisa May Alcott

We each have 24 hours in a day and 365 days in a year. Nothing will change that, but we can be intentional about how we use the time we have been given and thank God for every day. He has brought us this far and will be with us on all the roads ahead.

But I trust in you, Lord; I say, “You are my God.” My times are in your hands… Psalm 31:14-15a

The days go faster than they used to, at least for me, and many of them are ordinary, but in God’s hands, they are out of this world.

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How are you using the time you have been given?

Quotes from clockify

Photo by Andrik Langfield on Unsplash

I don’t want to audition for Progressive commercials and turn into my parents. Do you? I love my parents dearly, but I’m running my late adult life quite differently from the way they ran theirs, and I hope my children handle their late adult years differently from ours. Baby boomers have made many adjustments to cultural norms, and it’s time we change one more: our perspective on retirement and late adulthood.

Late adulthood is a new stage of life. It is much more than retirement.

Late adulthood is similar to adolescence in that it’s a significant shift in physical ability, identity, responsibility, and time management. We will likely retire, but that’s only one adjustment. We will age, figure out who we really are, wrestle with how to use our time and decide how much of it will be spent on duty and desire. For some, these struggles are brought about by retirement, but we will all encounter them to some degree, eventually.

We need to start thinking differently about work and retirement.

Redefine work as anything and everything you do. You will continue to work after leaving your income earning job. Work is more than your job; it’s all the activity that makes you yourself. Thinking about work in these expansive terms is much more encouraging than believing that you’re not working anymore.

Redefine retirement. Retirement is simply saying goodbye to your full-time employment. There’s a whole lot of your life left to explore. Retirement does not mean you are irrelevant. It doesn’t mean you have nothing more to contribute. It does not mean you’re old. It means you will continue to work (see above), but you have personal freedom to do more of what makes you yourself.

If you are unsure of who you are, this is the time to find out. Identity is often a big issue for retirees, especially those who have thought of themselves in terms of their profession. Identity bridging, which is identifying underutilized facets of yourself that you have perceived but haven’t had time to develop and bringing them to the forefront, can be helpful.

Have you always enjoyed photography but never had time to develop the interest? Take a photography class and see what happens. A couple of my recently retired peers are taking piano lessons, which stretches their minds in a new direction. Did you once upon a time have artistic inclinations in writing, painting, quilting, or woodworking? Go for it. In addition to updating your personal interests, I recommend finding ways to serve others, either formally, in volunteer roles, or informally, as you assist family members, neighbors, or your community.

Imagine a new era

The Longevity Imperative: How to Build a Healthier and More Productive Society to Support Our Longer Lives by Andrew J. Scott argues that we are on the cusp of a second longevity revolution. The first was living longer, and the second will be planning to live longer and make better use of the time we have been given. This, he says, will mean creating an “evergreen society.”

“…people of all ages now need to plan for a longer life…it goes much further than just preparing for an extended retirement. It represents nothing less than a new era for humanity.” Longevity Imperative, p. 17

Those of us in late adulthood can’t turn back the clock and re-plan our lives, but we can reimagine what the next 15, 20 or 30 years will look like for us and in doing so, we will hopefully influence the next generation to think in these terms.

This is, in short, a take-off moment in human history. We are entering a whole new era. With global life expectancy already over seventy years, we might be tempted to feel the aging challenge is over. A longevity revolution has been achieved. But it is precisely this achievement that marks the arrival of a second longevity revolution…we now stand at the threshold of the second longevity revolution where the focus has to be on aging better. Longevity Imperative P. 101, 106

The government, societal and cultural changes of such a revolution are immense. The healthcare system will need to focus more on preserving health rather than treating disease. Socially, senior living, assisted living facilities and care giving will adjust as the demand and market dictate. Government funding of programs such as social security may be impacted as people continue to live longer, although if more people remain productive, if industry adjusts to allow folks to work longer, and if the culture begins to reimagine work and retirement, the financial impact will be minimized.

How would industry change to allow people to work longer, you ask? In an article in The Atlantic; America Needs to Radically Rethink What It Means to Be Old, the author, Jonathan Rauch, says that retirement is a nonsensical concept and proposes some commonsense solutions that organizations can make.

Jobs need to be made more friendly to older workers (through measures as elaborate as shifting physical tasks to robots and as simple as providing different footwear and chairs); employers need to exploit age diversity (which improves team productivity by blending older workers’ experience and skill with younger workers’ creativity and drive); education and training need to be available and encouraged throughout life.

This makes complete sense to me. If or how institutions will come to the same conclusion is not clear. In fact, if I’m honest, it’s unlikely. I’ll do my best to encourage those of us in this stage of life to think expansively about work, retirement, agism, identity, purpose, to stay physically active, and to grow emotionally, relationally, and spiritually, and to promote the concept of a second longevity revolution,

These adjustments to our attitudes and institutions would benefit everyone.

I’ll pray that God would move our culture in this direction, open our minds and expand our thinking to allow late adults to flourish in these years.

May the Lord cause you to flourish, both you and your children. Psalm 115:14

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Do you think attitudes about retirement are beginning to change? Why or why not?

Habits can be difficult to establish or break in late adulthood. Many use their newfound time to exercise, take up a hobby, see more of their children and grandchildren and these are all excellent habit-forming activities, or perhaps you’ve never thought about it, and your habits are your habits, period.

According to Doctor Anne,

A habit is defined as an automized behavioral pattern learned through context-dependent repetition and, once established, triggered by contextual cues.

She goes on to say that as we age, much of our activity is based on habits formed and engrained throughout our lives.

For years, I have been in the habit of working out most mornings and that hasn’t changed. I’m also in the habit of participating in Bible studies, have also been doing that for years, and that hasn’t changed either. A fairly new habit I’ve developed is that while watching TV in the evening, I play Spider Solitaire on my iPad. It’s very difficult for me to just sit still and watch. Can’t do it. I’m not terribly thrilled with that habit.

This Holy Week, when we remember the death and celebrate the Resurrection of Jesus, the event that changed everything, let’s consider how we might cultivate habits that draw us closer to Jesus.

I interviewed a counselor who has worked with retirees and asked her about spiritual development goals among late adults. I was curious about their use of newly available time to pursue spiritual growth. She is a Christian counselor, although not exclusively, and she said that it was rarely a topic of discussion.

Interestingly, she noted that those who had been spiritually engaged remained active, and those who had not been terribly involved didn’t give it much thought. In other words, habits formed earlier continue into late adulthood.

Christians who have been too busy working and/or raising a family to learn more about God, attend Bible studies, volunteer at their churches, and learn how to love God, others and themselves better may now have time to invest in these activities in pursuit of spiritual maturity.

The definition of spiritual maturity is becoming more like Jesus. It’s a lifelong process.

There is no one-size-fits-all method for improving spiritual maturity. Reading and studying the Bible is a good place to start and books such as The Spirit of the Disciplines: Understanding How God Changes Lives by Dallas Willard and Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth by Richard J. Foster are also helpful.

We’ve been in a neighborhood Bible study group for over 20 years. These are our close friends and although the group has changed a bit, we still meet twice a month or so. It’s a habit, a lifestyle. We just finished a study about the love of God. He IS love, he can’t help but love us, in fact, he is drawn to us with compassion when we need him most, when we sin. It has been an encouraging study that has given me a better understanding of the heart of God.

It’s brought me one step closer to spiritual maturity.

However, there’s much more to becoming a mature believer than learning what the Bible has to say.

Spiritual maturity isn’t about how much we know about Jesus. It’s an all-important relationship with Jesus and learning to follow him into our everyday lives.

I imagine that Jesus had plenty of normal, uneventful days, at least before he began his ministry. He was still God. Similarly, Jesus is with us in our ordinary days, giving us positive advice or warning us not to go down certain paths, and sometimes just walking with us through a day. Spiritual maturity is learning to recognize his voice, worship him, understand when he asks us to serve him in a certain way, and develop our prayer lives. The Holy Spirit also works in every believer to bring us into a more intimate relationship with God if we put ourselves in a position to receive him.

I process information by reading, thinking, and writing so as an intellectual learner Bible study has always been a good fit for me. It can be a challenge for me to sit still and pray (I do my best praying while taking a walk), or settling into genuine Sabbath rest, or taking the time to really listen to the Lord. Others do those things much better than I do. We each have a unique way of getting close to Jesus. He knows us better than we know ourselves and we can trust him to draw us to himself.

If you would like to improve your spiritual maturity, I recommend creating some new habits.

Pray for the Lord to lead you

Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you. Be honest. If you aren’t sure you can or even want to do it, that’s ok, say so. If you’ve tried before without success, pray accordingly. God is delighted when we come to him with honest prayers desiring to become closer to Jesus.

Start small

We can overwhelm ourselves if we attempt to do too much too soon. Choose a short devotional to read for 5 or 10 minutes every morning. Set a timer and pray for a few minutes. Perhaps serve in a new way.

Don’t be afraid to adjust

You may find that the devotional you chose isn’t working out. Try something else. There are multiple sites or apps with verses each day, Bible reading plans, and/or YouTube videos to choose from. In fact, it’s a little overwhelming. Seek recommendations from friends or colleagues for best results.

Take the next step

Hopefully, you will develop a habit of reading, praying, serving, or a different spiritual discipline and as you become closer to Jesus, he will lead you to take the next step. What will that be? Jesus will prompt you.

Habits may be a bit more difficult to override or create in late adulthood, but I cannot think of a habit more worthwhile than one that improves your walk with Jesus.

Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14

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Have you found it harder to break or establish habits in late adulthood?

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In case you didn’t know, I am of the opinion that retirement is an outdated term for the stage of life that I call late adulthood. We do not retire from life, productivity, or work. We are not suddenly old or irrelevant. Late adulthood is a time when we can more fully engage with work that is important to us.

Benjamin Franklin, who was born in 1706, 320 years ago, nicely demonstrates the potential of our late adulthood years.

I listened to Benjamin Franklin: An American Life, a biography of Franklin recently to refresh my memory of who he was and what he accomplished. I only knew a few facts left over from long ago history classes. Something about a kite in a thunderstorm, the quote, early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise, and the invention of bifocal glasses. I knew he was influential during the founding of the USA but didn’t know how, exactly.

Most of what we learned about Benjamin Franklin in history class happened after he had retired from his income producing job.

Following is a summary of his accomplishments from Wikipedia:

Benjamin Franklin (January 17, 1706 [O.S. January 6, 1705]^{[Note 1]} – April 17, 1790) was an American polymath: a writer, scientist, inventor, statesman, diplomat, printer, publisher and political philosopher.^[1] Among the most influential intellectuals of his time, Franklin was one of the Founding Fathers of the United States; a drafter and signer of the Declaration of Independence; and the first postmaster general.^[2]

He did not attend college, which was not his choice and always bothered him, began an apprenticeship to his brother, a printer, at age 12, and was largely self-educated. He escaped the hierarchical influence of his brother and moved to Philadelphia to become his own man.

He was a firm believer in self-determination, hard work, thrift, and civic duty. He was well-liked, had a quick wit, and an effervescent smile, and he also worked strategically with those gifts to gain popularity and a business.

He wrote,

I took care not only to be in reality industrious and frugal…but to avoid all appearances to the contrary.

Franklin wrote under pseudonyms, Silence Dogood, Richard Saunders of Poor Richard’s Almanac fame, and others, in his early years to satirize society, influence opinion, and promote his own business.

He began a printing and publishing business, and it was doing very well by the time he was in his 20s. He ran that business until he was 42 years old, sold it with an agreement that he would receive half of the profits, which would have been more than enough to maintain his lifestyle, for the next 18 years1 and retired.

He saw no reason to keep plying his trade to make even more (money). Now he would have… ‘leisure to read, study, make experiments, and converse at large with such ingenious and worthy men as are pleased to honor me with their friendships.’2

Franklin’s character was formed long before his most noteworthy achievements. He was clearly intelligent, highly motivated, and perhaps he wanted to improve the lives of blue-collar workers, of which he considered himself one. In fact, many believe he did much to create the middle class as we know it today. He believed in meritocracy and didn’t appreciate hierarchical authority. That was a new concept 300 years ago.

Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that’s the stuff life is made of.”
― Benjamin Franklin

He didn’t wait until he retired to ask himself what he would do with his time; he had desires that he intended to fulfill.

Franklin was not aspiring by his retirement, to become merely an idle gentleman of leisure. He left his print shop because he was, in fact, eager to focus his undiminished ambition on other pursuits that beckoned: first science, then politics, then diplomacy and statecraft. As Poor Richard said in his almanac that year, ‘Lost time is never found again.’3

He made good use of his time. However, after he left his printing business, he didn’t spend much of his time with his family. He entered a common law marriage with his wife, Deborah, in 1730. They had two children, a son, Franky, who died of smallpox and a daughter, Sarah. In 1756 he took his first trip to Europe, was there for 5 years, returned and attempted to convince Deborah to go back with him, but she refused. He spent a decade in Europe beginning in 1764 and Deborah died in 1774. His achievements came at the cost of his relationships.

Benjamin Franklin was insatiably curious and had the opportunity and confidence to pursue his desired work. While doing so, he used and grew his talents and abilities every day of his life. He did remarkable work framing the United States, wisely negotiated and understood the value of compromise with England and France, and had quite an impact on society. Extraordinary.

Retirement, as we think of it today, was not in his vocabulary.

Franklin wasn’t perfect, he made choices that I wouldn’t have made, but his curiosity and hard work are impressive. We likely won’t be inventors, statesmen and stateswomen, or have the cultural influence that Franklin had, but we can each decide to put our talents, skills, and experience to work.

Only God knows what will become of our work.

Hide not your Talents, they for Use were made. What’s a Sun-Dial in the shade!”
- Poor Richard’s Almanack, 1750

As Poor Richard said, Your talents for use were made. Late adulthood is not meant for parking our talents in the shade but for exploring how we might use them for good.

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What do you do?

We learn a lot about a person by knowing what he or she does, or did, for at least eight hours a day. The intent of this question is to find common ground with a person about which one knows little. Fair enough. However, the short answer to “What do you do?” can lead to immediately classifying and categorizing a person intellectually, economically and socially based on occupation and does not answer the question in which we’re likely more interested. Who are you? What we do emanates from who we are.

You’ve probably been asked the question, what do you do?, multiple times, as have I. It’s always been difficult for me to answer as who I am and what I do cannot be neatly summed up in one word.

Now in late adulthood, this question can be more problematic after you have left your career. To say you’re retired inhibits the conversation or maybe initiates another question very similar to the first: What do you do with all your available time?

What we do with our lives was never fully communicated by a title, profession, or job description, but that’s the only answer that we had. Now, when that one- or two-word answer is no longer available, how will we describe what we do that would give helpful information about who we are to someone asking that question?

In late adulthood, we have an opportunity to expand the definition of who we are and what we do.

Let's take a holistic look at what we do for approximately sixteen hours each day.

If you were to keep a log of each hour you spend every day for a week or two, what would it reveal? Be honest. I did that once and found it very illuminating. It helped me to treat every day as a valuable resource to be invested wisely.

When I was in my 30s and 40s, I hit the ground running most days, took care of our children, schlepped them around to parks, play dates, and grocery stores, supervised homework, attended concerts and sporting events, fed the family, my husband and I undertook the nightly bath and bedtime routine, and I either worked or volunteered at the school, church, a crisis pregnancy center and/or Community Bible Study. My husband and I went out occasionally, were not afraid to hire teenage babysitters, and managed to get some exercise once in a while.

Now, I wake up earlier than I did then, spend time with my Bible, exercise, and from that point, every day is different. Some days I take care of grandchildren or visit my mom and dad, other days are taken up by a variety of appointments. to-dos or social engagements, some days are just for fun, and others are for writing, pondering ideas and/or reading. I attempt to remain productive every hour of the day, although it doesn’t always happen.

How will I answer the question, what do you do?

I’m not asked that as often these days, but next time I think I’ll say, I do my best to love all those God has put in my life and love them well. I read and write quite a bit, entertain, enjoy social gatherings, exercise and delight in moments of fun, play and relaxation. It’s not a one- or two-word answer, but it’s much more descriptive of who I am and what I do.

Someday, we will all answer for what we did with our days. God pays attention to everything we do.

Moses is not known as a Hebrew raised and educated in Pharaoh’s house, impressive as that might be, but as the leader of the infant nation of Israel.

David was a shepherd, musician, warrior and the greatest king of Israel. God remembered him as a man after His own heart.

Paul is remembered as the most prominent and prolific apostle of the first century, not as a Pharisee or a tentmaker.

Jesus isn't identified by his carpentry, although it must have been magnificent, but by his teaching, miracles, and most importantly by his saving once for all sacrifice for our sins followed by his resurrection from the dead.

None of these characters are remembered solely for their profession. Their value in God's sight was far greater. He knows who we are, perfectly.

God knew what they did every moment of every day, just like he knows what we do every moment of every day. If we only value what we did to earn a living, we are undervaluing what we did the other 60 hours every week. In late adulthood, we have over 100 hours a week to spend as we wish. This is the time to focus on what is important to us, who we are, and how we would like to be remembered.

God is active in our lives every day working us into the people he created us to be and calling us to a unique purpose.

I believe it will be surprising when we realize the activities that God values. Playing with a granddaughter could be more useful in his eyes than writing this article. Taking my dad to a doctor’s appointment might be a better use of my time than reading retirement related information. Establishing enduring relationships is enjoyable and could be eternally impactful. Of course, our careers are valuable too, and I’m sure God will use our knowledge and experience, but there is much more to you than what you did to earn a living.

Someday, God will ask us this question: What did you do? I hope you will answer with more than an occupation.

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How will you answer that question next time it’s asked?

Photo by Hadija on Unsplash

Some of this was taken from an article a post on my old blog, “What do you do?”

Recently, I was in Florida with several college roommates to celebrate the year that we all turn 70. (I can’t quite believe it, but there’s no arguing with the facts.) We had a fabulous time, laughed a lot, and went to bed earlier than we did in the old days. There were occasional jokes about where and how healthy we’d be when we all turn 80; we dutifully laughed and quickly changed the subject. We all have our issues, but not one of these lovely women has a disease.

Unless aging is considered a disease.

Occasionally, I’ll bump into an article like this one; The Scientific Fight Over Whether Aging Is a Disease by Alex Janin, who writes,

An improving scientific understanding of the biology of aging is leading some scientists, doctors and entrepreneurs to argue that aging is a disease. It’s a major driver of illness and death, they say, and classifying it as such could make it easier to get drugs approved to treat aging itself, rather than just age-related health problems.

At the same time, the population is aging and many older Americans remain healthy and active. For many of them, and plenty of healthcare professionals, the idea that aging is a disease is offensive, and there’s nothing inherently bad about growing older.

The National Library of Medicine in the article It is time to classify biological aging as a disease, argues for defining aging as a disease.

We believe that aging should be seen as a disease, albeit as a disease that is a universal and multisystemic process. Our current healthcare system doesn’t recognize the aging process as the underlying cause for the chronic diseases affecting the elderly. As such, the system is setup to be reactionary and therefore about 32% of total Medicare spending in the United States goes to the last 2 years of life of patients with chronic illnesses, without any significant improvement to their quality of life…

And, one more, from the American Scientist, Aging: To Treat, or Not to Treat?

Because we are having fewer children and living longer, the developed world is now filling up with old people…It brings cardiovascular disease that leads to heart attacks and strokes; neurodegenerative diseases such as Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s that erode the self; and macular degeneration, which blinds. And, of course, there is cancer. Aging has been described as the greatest of all carcinogens…Now we face this challenging question: Should we attack the underlying cause of this suffering? Should we try to “cure” aging?

It’s a good question.

Aging is inevitable. We will all age, but the open question is: will we age well? Genetics, lifestyle, and the environment all play a part in how an individual ages and there is no one-size-fits-all answer to that question.

Watching my parents decline, I understand those who say that we should attempt to treat aging before it results in debilitating illness. We may not be far from that possibility as AI has a chance to gather and make sense of data from a variety of sources and provide scientists better information, assuming that politics and our medical system allow it.

If a daily pill were available that would slow the aging process, would you take it? Or how about a shot once a month; would you sign up for that?

The upside of such medication is that we would presumably live healthier lives for longer. If I live to be 90 or 100 years old with decent health, an intact mind, and am still able to participate in learning, contributing, and truly living, I would be grateful.

However, the downside would be that if we did contract cancer, had a stroke, or developed Alzheimer’s - no medication is 100% effective - perhaps we would live longer under those difficult conditions.

Agism is another factor to be considered. Would classifying aging as a disease give it more gravitas and improve medical treatment for older adults? Perhaps. Also, if aging is considered a disease, more money might be available to treat aging, and it wouldn’t be so easily written off. As usual, we can follow the money.

Doctors are agist - and it’s harming older patients, by Liz Seegert of NBC News writes,

Many physicians, as well as older adults themselves, believe pain, fatigue, depression and dependency are a “normal” part of aging. These older patients are less likely to seek health care for themselves, and if they do, risk being undertreated. Ailments like poor hearing or cognitive decline can brand a patient as noncompliant or “difficult.” Studies show providers communicate differently with older adults than with younger ones. They’re less patient, less engaged and provide less information. And too often, treatable conditions like chronic pain or arthritis are dismissed as just a part of old age.

Ultimately, only God knows how many days, years or decades an individual has left to live. Those who attempt to extend life beyond what God has decided will be disappointed. Cryopreservation has been tried by 500-600 people, according to AI. These folks leave instructions for their bodies to be frozen until they can be thawed out, healed, and live again. No one has been revived and this process reveals an “appalling ignorance of biology,” according to a neuroscientist in London.

These people are limiting their view of life to the physical while ignoring the spiritual.

If this life is all there is, it’s understandable that people want to extend it, but if there is a glorious eternal life beyond imagination waiting for us when our physical lives end, why would anyone want to extend their life on this damaged planet?

Technology can and will assist us as we age, but God is still in control. He promises a transformed and resurrected body that will never age, have Alzheimer’s, cancer, or heart disease. That sounds infinitely more appealing than another few years in mortal existence.

But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body. Philippians 3:20-21

To answer the beginning question, Should aging be considered a disease?, I’m leaning toward answering yes. The current attitudes toward aging and medical treatment of diseases are not working terribly well.

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Your turn: Do you think aging should be classified as a disease? Why or why not?

We all want to matter to others, right? We want our lives to make a positive difference in this often negative world. Late adulthood is a time in which we often look back over our working years, families, relationships, and volunteer activities and ask ourselves or perhaps discern evidence of how we mattered.

There are suddenly several books with mattering in the title: Mattering: The Secret to a Life of Deep Connection and Purpose by Jennifer Breheny Wallace, The Power of Mattering: How Leaders Can Create a Culture of Significance by Zach Mercuio, and The Mattering Instinct: How Our Deepest Longing Drives Us and Divides Us by Rebecca Newberger Goldstien all published within the last year. I decided to see what one of the books had to say.

I read Mattering: The Secret to a Life of Deep Connection and Purpose by Jennifer Breheny Wallace. It sounded like a book that might have some useful information on retirement and late adulthood; it did.

Wallace isolated five elements that she calls the mattering core: Recognition, Reliance, Importance, Ego Extension, and Attunement. In other words, if we feel our actions are valued, that others depend on us, prioritize us, invest in our well-being, and understand us we will know that we matter.

The book contains helpful advice and engaging stories about a variety of ways people have found to matter. I particularly enjoyed reading about Grandma Peggy, who routinely made a weekly breakfast at her home for a dozen or two high school students after her grandson once casually remarked, “My Grandma Peggy makes a better breakfast than this…you guys should really come over to her house instead.” Intergenerational relationships were formed as Peggy came to know the kids and they regularly got up early on Wednesday mornings to take pleasure in scrambled eggs and lots of bacon. Of course, it was not all about the breakfast but the community.

Peggy mattered to those students, and they mattered to her.

Wallace also puts a positive spin on responsibilities by pointing out that when others rely on us, we matter.

There’s a growing tendency in our culture to treat responsibility to others as an inconvenience, an obligation to dodge or delegate. In trying to guard against burnout or preserve autonomy, we can begin to see every task as a threat, like one more thing to manage rather than a sign that we matter. P. 40

The most interesting chapter, I thought, was on transitions, one of the most impactful being retirement.

She tells a story about a woman who was a scholar in psychology and had studied transitions. She had retired to Sarasota with her husband and found herself adjusting to two major transitions at the same time, retiring and moving. Shortly after arriving in Florida, she and her husband were invited to a dinner party with several retirees who all had impressive resumes. When asked what she planned to do with her newfound time, she said she’d like to do some consulting with nonprofits. She said, “I am just eager to get involved and see how I can contribute.” To her dismay, others at the party said they had had similar desires when they retired but no one was interested in their expertise. They felt unnecessary, useless, like they didn’t matter.

That is sad, and evidence of agism, but it’s also a reality.

Wallace writes,

When the job, the caregiving, or the parenting role no longer fills our days, do we stay anchored to that old identity, hoping to stretch its meaning into the next phase? Or do we need to let go of what was and build something new?…The challenge wasn’t to cling to what was; it was to ask, Where and how can I matter next? P. 148

Discovering how to matter in different ways will expand our identities. Yes, the job no longer defines who you are, but did it ever? We are far more than our work; we matter to family and friends more than we mattered to our workplaces.

Wallace has some significant insights. She gives positive examples of those who had looked outside of themselves and found that in doing so, they mattered. When we look outside of ourselves, we will also matter.

I believe that if we recognize, rely upon, prioritize, care about, and understand others, we will find ourselves mattering more and more. Perhaps that is the point of the book. Mattering is a bit like happiness. I substituted mattering for the word happiness in the following quote.

Mattering cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Mattering is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude. Denis Waitly

Mattering is the spiritual outgrowth of treating others with love, grace, and gratitude. This guideline is applicable in every stage of life. Sometimes it’s not until late adulthood, when we begin to feel like we don’t matter, that we get to the core of why and how any of us matter.

As a Christian, I believe every individual matters because we have all been created in God’s image. He has a purpose for each one of us, and it will be accomplished.

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians‬ ‭2‬:‭10‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Much of the advice in Wallace’s book is for behavior that was once commonplace. Folks needed each other, relied on friends and family, appreciated help, prioritized others, and understood that sometimes it wasn’t easy to assist another. But they did it. They knew that they mattered.

Books on mattering may be necessary in a culture in which many people have become a bit self-absorbed by staring at their phones and comparing themselves to others’ curated social media existences. Hopefully, we will begin to look around for opportunities to matter.

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To close, I’ll quote from The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse: Inspiring Conversations on Hope, Love and Personal Growth by Charlie Mackesy,

Always remember you matter, you’re important and you are loved, and you bring to this world things that no one else can.

Truer words were never written.

Religion is a term that can mean different things to different people. Some people think of it as belonging to a church, temple or mosque. It could mean a social group, an ethical standard, or a volunteer opportunity. I’ve been asked what religion I belong to and have been told that I am ‘religious,’ but when the term is used like that, I feel that it misses the point.

What is your definition of religion and what does it mean to you?

Does religion open you up to a connection with the sacred or is it a means to self-actualization? The way you answer that question can change the trajectory of your life.

Personally, I feel that religion has introduced me to the sacred and fortunately that introduction grew into a thriving relationship with God. Now, in late adulthood, I would like to model a life connected to the sacred. Perhaps in retirement, with some distance from the workplace, we can better consider who we are and who we want to become.

The American Heritage Dictionary defines religion as,

a. The belief in and reverence for a supernatural power or powers, regarded as creating and governing the universe: respect for religion.

b. A particular variety of such belief, especially when organized into a system of doctrine and practice: the world’s many religions.

c. A set of beliefs, values, and practices based on the teachings of a spiritual leader.

These definitions emphasize the sacred, supernatural, and spiritual. However, some have brought religion down to earth and treat it as finding community, meaning and self-actualization. Should the emphasis be on the sacred or on the self?

If the emphasis is on the self, then work can easily replace religion.

I was first introduced to this concept when reading a book by sociologist Carolyn Chen, Work Pray Code: When Work Becomes Religion in Silicon Valley written in 2022. She described corporations that provide meals, opportunities for socialization, and options for play to their employees. Some employees rarely leave. She concludes,

Silicon Valley helps us to see a broader trend, one that has eluded scholars of work and religion alike: subtly but unmistakably, work is replacing religion. Over the past forty years, work has extracted ever more of the time and energy of highly skilled Americans, crowding out other commitments, especially religion. P. 4 (Highlighting mine)

Historically churches were the center of social and spiritual life, and for some people, they still are. However, in recent years church attendance has declined for complicated reasons, but excessive busyness, disappointment with church organizations, and people meeting their needs elsewhere, like in their workplaces, are surely factors.

Derek Thompson, in The Atlantic, has coined a term for the belief that work is replacing religion: workism.

It is rooted in the belief that work can provide everything we have historically expected from organized religion: community, meaning, self-actualization. And it is characterized by the irony that, in a time of declining trust in so many institutions, we expect more than ever from the companies that employ us—and that, in an age of declining community attachments, the workplace has, for many, become the last community standing.

Why Americans Care About Work So Much by Derek Thompson

Chen and Thompson are on to something, but I don’t believe they take it far enough. Religion is a term for an organization of people who believe the same things about God. These people typically come together to worship God in a church, usually identified by a religion or a denomination, in other words, an organization.

Religion is the cultural institution that we have constructed around a relationship with God, and it’s meant to foster a growing faith.

It’s the relationship and resulting faith that are important.

If we have historically expected ‘community, meaning, and self-actualization’ from the cultural institution that we call religion, then the workplace, another cultural institution, can and apparently does provide those things. But that’s the not primary purpose of religion. Our faith and how we observe it should lead us to a better understanding of who God is and who we are in his sight, disciple us, help us become more ourselves. The workplace cannot begin to do that for us. Sadly, many churches don’t either.

Jesus was often critical of religion and its leaders in his day.

Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean. Matthew 23:27

Religious leaders had made religion into a burden, were focused on their laws, and had forgotten that the reason behind God’s laws was faith demonstrated by loving God, neighbors and themselves. No doubt they had found community, meaning and self-actualization, but they had lost the most important thing, their relationships with God. Jesus called them on it.

Community, meaning and self-actualization are better found through a growing relationship with God than within a workplace. The workplace will tell you who it wants you to be while God will lead you to be who he created you to be.

Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you? Luke 9:24-25 The Message

My identity is first and foremost a unique child of God. My identity is expanding, not shrinking, as I get older.

What is religion?

It is a cultural institution to provide members with the opportunity to get to know the sacred God more personally and to trust him more completely. Community, meaning and self-actualization will likely happen within a religion, but those are not its primary intentions.

Late adulthood is an opportunity to examine your religion and to make sure that you are growing closer to the God who made you, that you are finding community among his followers, and that you are attaining self-actualization into the person God created you to become.

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I recommend taking advantage of the opportunity.

Photo by Guillaume Bleyer on Unsplash

Recently, I felt weepy for a couple days. In church, I had to hold back sniffles and as I write this my eyes are getting a bit teary. I have the spiritual gift of tears and have always been quick to shed them, but this time feels a bit different.

It’s not uncommon for me to ignore my emotions, stuff them, pretend everything is fine, but conversations with my husband and my sister brought out the reason for my tears.

I’m doing a fair amount of caregiving for my parents these days, and it’s not something I expected to be doing in late adulthood. I visit them once a week, sometimes twice, and receive phone calls from the nurse at assisted living, take them to the occasional doctor or dentist appointment, order supplies, pay bills, and it can be stressful. Some people do far more, the everyday care of a child or spouse, having a parent move in with them, or moving in with a parent or a child. I’ve always felt that the care giving I’m doing is nothing compared with what others are doing. That is true, but now I realize that over time it takes its toll.

Elizabeth Bernstein wrote an article for the Wall Street Journal called How to Take Care of Yourself When You Can’t Take Care of Yourself that examines how caregivers give themselves small breaks, simple encouragements, and the occasional laugh.

Most of them said they don’t have time to do much more.

Bernstein interviewed Alexandra Drane, who said,

“Caregiving is the toughest time in many people’s lives,” says Alexandra Drane, the founder and chief executive of Archangels, an organization that supports unpaid caregivers. “They’re caring for their loved ones, work, kids, families and friends, and it can take them to the breaking point.”

The article goes on to say that it’s important to stick to a routine, eat well, get enough sleep (easier said than done), go outside for some exercise, write down your stresses and feelings in a journal, be honest about your situation, talk with others about your stresses, and listen to your body.

The Archangels website says,

If you’re here, chances are you’re a caregiver. Don’t think of yourself in the role? You’re not alone - 50% of caregivers don’t identify with the word.

Every week I also spend an afternoon with my son’s daughter, and my husband and I spend the better part of a day with my daughter’s kids. I suppose those days qualify as caregiving too, but they are much more enjoyable and not nearly as stressful as caring for my parents, so I hesitate to put them in the same category. But the fact remains that the time I spend caregiving each week is significant.

Caregiving does not come naturally to me as it does for some people. It is not a strength of mine, and maybe that’s why I haven’t considered myself a caregiver. I admire the staff who care for my parents with a smile and a friendly attitude. Sadly, they are not paid enough for the work that they do.

Much of the stress of my caregiving is emotional. It’s exhausting, but not necessarily physically taxing. I’m not even sure what to call my emotions. Am I grieving? At times. Sad? Yes, it is difficult to watch my parents lose their capabilities. Anxious? Yes, I never know what will happen when. Fatigued? Emotionally, absolutely. And I confess that at times I’m frustrated or envious of those who don’t have caregiving demands on their time.

My guess is it’s all of those emotions wrapped up in something called caregiver trauma. That sounds a little extreme; I don’t feel traumatized. But I do feel grief and emotional fatigue, and as the years go by, it’s becoming more apparent.

This article The Emotional Toll of Caregiving: How to Prevent Caregiver PTSD includes this comment which summarizes my emotions quite accurately.

Grief and loss: Caregivers often grapple with multiple types of loss—seeing their loved one’s health decline, the shift from being a family member to a caregiver, and the inability to live life as it once was.

I took the Archangels test for a caregiver intensity score, the results of which can put one in the red, yellow, or clear zone. The questions covered capability, time, financial resources, and emotional feelings about caregiving, among others. I scored a 45 which put me in the yellow zone.

That sounds about right.

There isn’t much I can do about it other than accept it, talk about it, cry every once in a while, and live the rest of my life well.

The advice on those websites is useful, but most helpful for me is knowing that God has a purpose for me in caring for my family and that he’s put this duty in my life at this point for my good and his glory. I pray often for him to give me the strength, joy and energy to care for my family well.

When I get frustrated that I don’t have time to do what I’d rather do, I need to remember that he is in charge of my time, not me. It’s taking quite a while to get that through my head.

Bottom line, I hope in the Lord, and I pray that any caregivers who read this do as well.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:29-31

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If you are a caregiver, please comment. If not, remember to pray for those who are doing the difficult work of caring for another.

Photo by National Cancer Institute on Unsplash

I wear a Fitbit, and every morning I check my sleep score. If it’s 80 or above, I congratulate myself. If it’s below 75 or so, I tell myself I didn’t need much sleep last night anyway and go on with my day. My Fitbit also tells me how many steps I’ve walked during the day and beeps at me if I don’t get 250 steps in a particular hour. Additionally, there is a cardio load target each day. I find it useful but have to admit that sometimes I am a little too religious about checking it.

But my Fitbit does not provide any useful information on my social interactions.

Most of the information on longevity is about what we eat, drink, and how we sleep and exercise, and that is all important, but not if we ignore social interaction.

I’ve been doing some research on longevity and became cross-eyed when viewing medical studies. They are beyond me. For example, AI gave me the following information:

Mid-stage trials for senolytics and immune modulation, as well as combinations of NMN and Resveratrol, showed promise for improving cardiovascular health and reducing frailty.

Moving right along…

Then I found an article, Longevity is going to change almost all aspects of our lives, in The Stanford Report by Laura Carstensen. This article made more sense to me. I’ve quoted her before, because her message includes our social and emotional lives.

Carstensen described a car accident she suffered at age 21 that landed her in an orthopedic ward for four months. She realized that the residents were bifurcated into young and old; the young ones recovering from car accidents or sports injuries and the old ones from knee replacements or broken hips. She noticed that the staff treated the young patients with an optimistic eye toward their future but “the older women in my ward were brushed aside.” She said,

It made me wonder about aging, and specifically, how much of aging, which is a biological process, is also shaped by the social world.

I’m quite sure that the social world is an important factor that doesn’t get as much attention as biological studies. We are more than our bodies.

According to the article The Secret to A Long Life? Make It a Social One by Denis Story on Psychiatrist.com,

…those with high levels of social engagement were 42% less likely to die than those with low engagement. This association remained significant even after adjusting for age, socioeconomic status, and medical conditions.

“The high social engagement group participants had a lower median biological age, healthier behaviors, and lower prevalence of depressive symptoms than those in the low and moderate engagement groups. High social engagement was associated with lower mortality risk than low engagement,” the authors wrote.

Biological information is much easier to quantify and study than social engagement. Friendships, interactions, and conversations are more subjective and personal than raw data about diet, sleep and exercise.

I listened to the book, Eat Your Ice Cream: Six Simple Rules for a Long and Healthy Life, by Ezekiel J. Emanuel, and while I don’t agree with all of Emanuel’s advice, I’m in full agreement with his thoughts on social interaction. He says,

No amount of kale or number of steps or hours of sleep can replace the importance of building and maintaining good relationships for wellness and longevity.

My parents were extremely social people. They entertained often, had many friends, and not a day went by when they didn’t participate in some form of face-to-face social engagement. Now, they don’t have the strength or energy to socialize with anyone but their kids, care givers and a good friend who visits them every other Saturday.

They moved into an assisted living facility a year and a half ago, and as we were walking to dinner one night I noticed congratulations on residents’ rooms for reaching the ages of 101, or 97, or 102. I told my mom - she can’t see well enough to read them - and she groaned. The last thing she wants is to live another eight to ten years with very limited vision and the weakness she experiences. She often says she can’t believe she’s 93.

They didn’t have Fitbits, never joined a health club, ate whatever they wanted, and enjoyed a scotch before dinner most evenings, but while they are not in great shape now, I believe their robust social lives contributed mightily to their longevity.

In this information age, with AI moving quickly to do what would take humans too long to do, is it possible that smart watches and Fitbits will eventually give us information on our social engagement?

Here’s one article on the subject, Social Pulse: An On-Smartwatch System for Detecting Real World Social Interactions,

Social interactions are a fundamental part of daily life and play a critical role in well-being. As emerging technologies offer opportunities to unobtrusively monitor behavior, there is growing interest in using them to better understand social experiences. However, automatically detecting interactions—particularly via wearable devices—remains underexplored.

Frankly, the ‘unobtrusive monitoring” of social interactions makes me nervous and no doubt would involve numerous legal and privacy issues. I hope it remains under-explored.

Most of us know how many face-to-face conversations we have in a day and don’t need a device to inform us.

Emanuel recommends engaging in conversation with anyone and everyone - servers in restaurants, clerks in stores, the individual sitting next to you on a plane - developing some old-fashioned curiosity, being intentional about making regular personal contact with family and friends and sitting often around a meal with those you love and enjoy. It’s good advice.

In late adulthood it’s easy to get in the habit of sitting at home, reading a book, watching TV, or enjoying a hobby. Social interactions came naturally and were plentiful when I was younger, but now they take intentionality and effort. Rather than excuse myself because I’m tired, I intend to make social engagement more of a must have and less of a nice to have.

My Fitbit gives me helpful information, but other people offer interesting thoughts, new ideas, and more fun than staring at a device.

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Do you wear a Fitbit or Apple watch? How do your social interactions compare with your physical fitness?

Photo by Andres Urena on Unsplash

Sometimes I convince myself that this late adulthood stage of life should be about doing big, noteworthy, and amazing things like starting a non-profit or getting heavily involved with an existing organization that is doing wonderful work for downtrodden people.

But then I come back down to earth and realize that big things are not my thing.

Years ago, my husband and I met Arloa Sutter, the founder of Breakthrough ministries in Chicago, and we were impressed. It has grown to include many avenues of assistance, education, health care, housing and spiritual guidance for those who need a hand. This ministry has done much good for many people, and I’m thankful for Arloa, her staff and volunteers who invest their time and energy to improve the lives of others.

Breakthrough, which is a big thing, began in 1992 as a small thing.

Arloa Sutter (began) to serve coffee to adults experiencing homelessness, inspiring a movement to serve the city’s most vulnerable.

I wonder if big things were in Arloa’s mind when she began to do the small thing of serving coffee. She probably had no idea that this was the beginning of a large organization that would be helpful for many people. God took her small thing and turned it into a big thing.

We hear about huge organizations, influential celebrities, important news stories, and it’s tempting to think that it’s only the big things that are important.

Not so fast.

“…for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and…is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.”
― George Eliot, Middlemarch

My grandparents were not noteworthy people beyond our family. One grandfather was a Lutheran school teacher and the other a factory worker. My grandmothers both worked at home. But they influenced my parents, their siblings, and their grandchildren in positive ways. They lived faithful hidden lives, and generations to follow are reaping the rewards of their godly lives.

Big things get the world’s headlines, but God is more interested in our small acts of faith. God cares about all the work that he has put before us, whatever that is. I found encouragement in the book of Zechariah, of all places.

Zechariah was written when the Jews returned to Jerusalem, in about 520 BC, after Jerusalem had been trashed and the Hebrews had been taken into exile in Babylon. The Jews planned to rebuild the temple under the leadership of the governor, Zerubbabel. When they started rebuilding, facing external opposition and their own apathy, it probably looked like it would never happen.

Zechariah, a prophet who was writing at that time, said that the word of the Lord came to him:

“Zerubbabel is the one who laid the foundation of this Temple, and he will complete it…Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin…” (Zechariah 4:9-10 NLT) The NIV translation put is this way, “Who dares despise the day of small things?”

It was a small beginning, the people were discouraged, but God was saying that the temple would eventually be finished. God’s purpose would press forward.

Most of us spend our days doing small things, and I believe God delights when we do them out of obedience. Who knows what he has planned for the outcome of our collective small efforts?

In late adulthood you may be wondering if your ideas, plans or projects will ever get off the ground. God says, “Do not despise these small beginnings.” Most of our small things will not be made into thriving businesses or ministries, but whether they succeed or not, God is in them and has a purpose for them.

Who dares despise the day of small things?

The temple was rebuilt back in Zerubbabel’s day, but God’s plan was far from finished. It was just the next step. The people who were discouraged at the small beginning had no idea what would happen 500 years later, when Jesus would come and everything would change. Jesus’s disciples had no idea that Jesus, who did the small thing of working as a carpenter until he was thirty years old, would perform miracles, challenge the religious elites, die and be raised again offering new life to everyone who believes in him.

The rebuilt temple was destroyed in AD 70 by the Romans and has never been rebuilt. There is no need, for the presence of God is no longer in a temple in Jerusalem; God is in his people. Each of us, in our small way, can bring the presence of God into conversations and situations. We have no idea what our small things, small beginnings, will accomplish in God’s hands.

The world gives its attention to the big events, powerful people, and successful businesses, but God does his work through his people who faithfully do small things in his name.

How can we picture God’s kingdom? What kind of story can we use? It’s like an acorn. When it lands on the ground it is quite small as seeds go, yet once it is planted it grows into a huge oak tree with thick branches. Eagles nest in it. Mark 4:30-32 The Message

Big things begin small.

Consider your lives, what you’ve learned and accomplished. Did you realize when you were starting out in your 20s that now in your 60s or 70s you would have achieved so much? Remember that there is still time to do big or small things in faith and obedience.

It’s the rare individual who can run a non-profit like Breakthrough, and I am not one of them, but I believe that my small things, and your small things, are being used for God’s Kingdom purposes.

Be encouraged, and do not despise small beginnings.

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Have you done a small thing that had surprisingly big results?

Photo by Alaric Duan on Unsplash

Some of this article was taken from a post I wrote in 2018 in an old blog: Do Not Despise Small Beginnings