Most of the push back I received and continue to receive was around my inference of death as a punishment for sexual violence. I acknowledge whole heartedly that our definition of what constitutes “rape” continues to widen as we dig deeper into what’s considered to be consent. These conversations are necessary and there are undoubtedly people that are getting caught in the transitions of definitions. Sometimes unfairly. An issue that I’ll gladly address at another time. What I’m referring to is very specifically “sexual violence”. Especially premeditated. Extra specially when shared in a fucking telegram group.

What I’ve personally been struggling with is why it’s someone like me, who has virtually no power, and is talking specifically about behaviour that destroys lives, am being held to a moral standard not even upheld by our own countries. I receive immediate warnings that I don’t know what I’m getting myself into. That capital punishment solves nothing. That there is nothing good to come from meeting violence with violence. Historically they only breed each other. All angles I believe in and have considered. I’ve even had someone highlight how capital punishment can become co-opted and has done historically in racist ways as if I wouldn’t already be aware of that. I’m aware of it. What I’m talking about isn’t focussed on punishment - just safety. And its not ‘capital’. Furthermore - where then is the trial for the school children murdered by a US bomb? Why is it that world leaders can kill civilians with impunity and label them collateral? Why aren’t these same people urging me to see the error in my ways not realising that the entire system that we live in is predicated on violence that barely even benefits communities at large. Why then, is it such a challenging concept to apply that same impunity to situations that would result in communities feeling at ease?

I mention this in my book but I will again. I don’t believe in non-violence. I don’t believe in pacifism. Even maintaining that as a position while living in the west is a contradiction. While having a phone, etc. I’m not saying that violence is always necessary. Or that people can’t wish for a reduction in violence whilst passively partaking in it. I’m wondering if the rejection of its existence as part of nature, and in ourselves, breeds a sense of safety amongst those less inclined to base their world view on what best serves communities. Or perhaps people willing to commit sexual violence to the lifelong detriment of their survivors. And also non survivors. And ultimately themselves. Nature is violent. Nearly all animals are violent. We are animals. For me, our biggest barrier is the values we place around violence. The extremity of violence. And the frequency of it. Perhaps accepting violence is to empower ourselves, integrate that reality, and allow us more tools to prevent ourselves from using it needlessly. Instead, only to the benefit of the world around us. It’s rarely trained fighters who instigate violence outside of the ring/cage because they know how much damage they can do. Fighting is the last resort to settle disputes amongst actual fighters.

I read a story recently about a Brazilian mother who walked in on her partner raping her daughter. She killed him and the court chose not to prosecute her. I see no issue with that.

A young man (((a drill rapper - for what it’s worth))) just murdered Ian Watkins in prison. A man who had raped infants. I see no issue with that. It just upsets me that now that young man will serve a longer sentence.

On August 13, 2004, a mob of roughly 200 women from the Kasturba Nagar slum in Nagpur, India, stormed a local courtroom and murdered a notorious serial rapist and killer named Akku Yadav.

Akku Yadav terrorized the neighborhood for 13 years, committing over 40 rapes, several murders, and extortion, all while bribing corrupt local police to ensure he walked free. During a bail hearing, Yadav allegedly taunted and threatened one of his victims. Enraged, the woman struck him with her sandal, prompting the mob of 200 women to swarm the courtroom armed with kitchen knives and chili powder.

I see no issue with that. I mostly feel disappointment that it was the women who had to step in. Women who were unable to be convicted because they said that they all did it.

There are so many men who haven’t gone as far as this that I genuinely believe deserve more attention and opportunity to turn their lives around or transmute the situations they’ve found themselves in. Attention that might reduce in space of attempting to rehabilitate people that have gone way too far. It’s also insulting to lump ‘men who do harm’ in with sexually violent rapists. They might grow in the same garden but they are not the same plant. In a beautiful book I just read, it spoke of misshapen plants requiring soil and sunshine. I hear it and feel it and believe it. Still, sometimes branches no longer serve a tree.

Just yesterday, one man was pushing back against my stance based on his belief that approaching harmful men with love is the only way to actually make progress. A sentiment I agree with. One I promote. As I’ve said. It’s also a sentiment with limits. Justice in my opinion should be centred around the will of the survivor. It should be driven by the desire of those potentially affected not solely on the recovery of lost souls. Especially not when they’re ruining lives.

When discussing gender in the past, I’ve used dogs as a comparison because, in truth, we aren’t much different. As much as we’d love to be. At our core, many of the principles are the same. When training puppies, it’s proven that they respond much better to positive reward training than to punishment. Logically, a dog has a heightened chance of behaving better out of a desire for love and cohesion rather than to avoid some kind of consequence. Dogs are more likely to behave badly anyway and take the hit if there’s no potential for love or reward.

I use this analogy a lot with the conversation around gender. I do not agree with monolithic contempt towards men. I don’t think it helps. I do not believe that any good will come out of perpetual vitriol lacking understating or nuance. Which goes both ways. I really believe that highlighting, celebrating and rewarding the beautiful elements and parts of communal life will ultimately be what saves us.

The big caveat is the extension to that analogy. Even in dog world, one where dogs are rescued and rehabilitated and loved and nurtured in all kinds of ways - there are limitations. If a dog runs around a farm killing sheep - that dog can and will most likely be put down. If a dog attacks a child - that dog will be put down. My old dog walker believes that XL bullies should be prevented from breeding entirely. It’s simply not worth the risk. I can imagine XL bully owners being gutted but he knows a shit ton about dogs. There’s a license now, which is something. I’ve met some beautiful XLs. But in these instances the dogs aren’t being “punished”. It’s not on public display. They are not held in states of pain and there is little risk involved. It’s just done. And we move on. Community in mind. New chance in the next life.

So, yes, I have two rescue dogs who aren’t perfect. Who have shit in people’s shoes, nipped other dogs, done a runner. But I’ve done my best to lead with love and I’ve seen the results. Especially with our second rescue. My friends will attest. Still, if I’m out in the countryside I will bring a long lead, because I know that if one of them kills a sheep - we’re fucked. And it’s ultimately the farmer who decides.

I want sexual violence to become alien to the human condition. For the idea of it to seem so obscene and abstract that even the discussion of it is confusing. I once read a writer compare it to how we view cannibalism. That would be the dream. And even in space where violence is consensual. In kink spaces. Agreements, boundaries, communication, fail safes, sometimes even monitors are around. It’s consent above everything.

An incredibly close friend who I love was concerned about me having this stance. He said that it lacked my usual balance. My ability to hold two truths at the same time. I was actually thankful that he was willing to pull me up on it. And I clarified that I still hold those truths. A human cannot be sexually violent and leave that situation with their soul intact. A spiritual death is immediate or has already happened. And still, this is just how I feel. And I don’t think that how I feel is morally right or pure or any shit like that. I’m not a good person. And I myself will have partaken in upholding rape culture when I was younger and am untangling and deconstructing those ideas every day. I just want to focus my attention on the consequence of these actions for the survivors. And perhaps that energy might find itself replicating in my favour in other scenarios. Or for other parts of the conversation generally. My friend made the point that a young man might view my stance on rape and not understand the whole context. But in my mind, if a 19 year old boy sees an elder saying rapists shouldn’t be alive it might actually prevent something happening. Or at least a moment of contemplation. Who knows.

I’m also not wishing to be part of any sensationalised attempt to split communion amongst genders. I recognise that I might fall into it algorithmically - but it’s never my intention. If more men took this stance and moved towards compassion for male and female survivors, I can’t imagine that would create disconnection. Quite the opposite. People being able to navigate the world without being stuck in fearful perpetuity will be the first step towards some sense of freedom.

I’m also completely open to the idea that I’ve stumbled onto a dark path. I’m the first to admit that I can hyper focus on and situations and at times get a sort of mental lock jaw. Still, I know I’ve had these thoughts for a long time. I’ve just not been public with them. And with all the psychedelics I’ve done and all the incredible plants that I’ve engaged with I’ve never returned from a trip with a new found belief in non violence. I understand it for what it is. And we are fed these ideas of heroes who use violence “for good”. And I really believe that every human being alive is capable of murder. If presented with a situation in which they could save someone that they love.

I just been exchanging voice notes with my friend Kelechi. As I’ve been finishing this stack I flicked through a story of Tommy Robinson encouraging people on the march to “get fit and ready to fight because a fight’s coming”. This is my point. These lot are readying themselves. I message Kelechi because the clip amped me. Everyone talking to me about non violence and then he’s on stage saying that. Kelechi said

“Everyone on our side wants to talk about combating hate with love but no one realises that what’s truly loving is knowing that you can protect yourself”.

Kelechi was the reason I trained Muay Thai in Thailand. I wanted to train because I’m aware that there will be points in my life where my words won’t be enough. I pray that they will be. But realistically not everyone operates like that. And so it’s better to be ready.

I want to protect my community from a place of love. Self defence. By any means necessary.

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It’s not just toxic. It’s got to have more nuance than that. And it’s not specific to masculinity. I feel as though this theory can be applied both ways. But only when referring to masculinity and femininity in its most binary, performative, hegemonic, regressive senses. The boxes we’ve devised for ourselv…

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I’m pretty sure that I’m not a bee.

I find it fascinating how selective that gender essentialist instagram carousel doing the rounds is detailing the scientific and natural justifications for matriarchy.

For what it’s worth - I too think it’s pretty evident that so…

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What will you do when there’s nothing to do?

The importance of emotion is one of the hardest topics to get through to men generally. Often I’ve found that men find my comments to be coming from a place of luxury or privilege. I represent someone who has “succeeded” within the capitalist framework and all of this emotion nonsense is because I don’t unders…

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I’m posting this on my phone and I am in study mode but I have to say that the fallout from Tate getting slapped about by a guy from Love Island USA has been one of the greatest Christmas / new year’s presents I could have asked for*. I completely understand the …

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A friend of mine just started a podcast. It’s great. We’re aligned in our beliefs but more importantly he’s well read, curious and open minded. A few shows into this podcast he platformed a bright young debater who’s racking up serious numbers online. Mostly due to her having gone viral from debate clips. People want to watc…

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I am in a play called ‘Entertaining Mr Sloane’ which finishes this week. I’m Mr. Sloane. It’s been life changing. Tough, tiring, testing, tumultuous. Thrilling, transformative, titillating and terrific. Quite the journey.

My ego’s taken a battering. In a good way. I remember during one of the initial previews. S…

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For those of you who haven’t read my book, this is Donna. If you have read it, you’ll recognise her as the only full real name I use within those pages. Namely in the hope people will look her up and, like me, have her change your life.

Donna and I first met when I attended one of her workshops in 2018. I…

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There are an untold number of Substacks written by people who have ditched their smartphones or just deleted social media and realised how freeing it is for their mental state. Feels as though it’s a relatively easy experiment with a massive pay off and worth bragging about. People will feel as though it’s been impossible to do and then when they do it they have all of this energy and clarity and then they tell the world via their computer and it makes so much sense and it’s much better than whatever the fuck we’ve found ourselves in.

Let me add to those Substacks.

In preparation for my first ever theatre performance I went onto a burner phone. Mainly to avoid all distraction while embarking upon a voyage of memory, learning and unlearning. The experience was instantaneously freeing. I even started writing a fucking diary. Of course, now I’m back on my phone I am no longer writing a diary. But I have sort of catalogued my experience with the burner. Here goes.

Wednesday 13th August 2025

I’ve never written a diary. It’s the consistency that I have trouble with. My life is so chaotic, I can never settle into a routine. At the moment I have one. It’s brief but its a routine. It’s because I’m rehearsing for a play. I’ve never done a play before but somehow I’ve been cast in one. It’s called Entertaining Mr Sloane. Somehow I am Mr Sloane. So every day I’m rehearsing. 10-6. And the author is fascinating. Of the play that is. He’s called Joe Orton. Died at 34. Beaten to death by his gay lover. In the 60s. Was illegal to be gay back then. Wild times. He was a fucking wild dude. Amazing playwright. Obsessed with the darker side of things. I think I am too in a way. Anyway, he wrote a diary and it’s been recommended that I read it and so now I’m writing a diary because why not. Be nice to write without the pressure of having to be the greatest writer that ever lived. And might be nice to vent. Let out a little frustration. All of that.

I’ve decided to ditch my smart phone while we rehearse. I only answer messages in the evening. It’s quite liberating but also bizarre. I had actually forgotten what it felt like to day dream. Or stare into space. People watch. I love it. Forgotten art. And I’m hoping that I open up space for inspiration. Allow desires and wants congeal without interruption. And I’ve come to realise how much I use my smart phone. I’m cycling into rehearsals without headphones. Fucking mental. Cycling without listening to a podcast or the radio or something. Fucking mental. I could bring my smart watch but I’ve chosen not to. Got to at least give it a week. Unless I’m meeting with a friend or something. Even then I could just put their number in my burner phone. My dumb phone with snake on it. Which might be the best game ever.

I find myself daydreaming so intensely that time just disappears. More so than if I’d been scrolling, it’s quite something. If I zone out while cycling I can be a mile or so before I even realise. Feels quite nice. But a part of me does miss the constant stimulation. Even four days away from social media I feel like I’m missing everything that’s happening in the world. I don’t know any of the gossip or updates. Youtube fills me in at night a little bit. It’s definitely a choice.

Jade isn’t getting in till later tonight so I’ll probably end up just playing games but the dream is to do that and also throw a bunch of clothes away.

———

Thursday 14th August 2025

It really is weird not being on social media while I’m rehearsing for this play. The freedom I’ve gained is beautiful but it feels like there’s a whole world that I’m not part of. Updates and horror and movement. What is life nowadays without all of those freak outs? But without them I feel like writing so much more. At the moment anyway. There was a point where I felt like doing my diary entry in the middle of the day. Purely because I felt compelled to write. It’s the evening now so I can fully recap the days events. Of course, I’ve forgotten what it was I felt so desperate to get down earlier…

I carried on with a few more entries but ultimately had so much work to do that I had little time to continue. And when I did have time, I used it to “decompress”. And, more relevantly, my smart phone found its way back into my life and most free time ended up on youtube or whatsapp.

A lot of people talk about the freedom off of social media. And about regaining connection with life. I recently heard a neuroscientist explain how our phones basically use up the majority of our dopamine meaning we haven’t got any left for healthy decisions. Logically and objectively, unhooking ourselves from the online world is better for us. But what I felt during these two weeks of dumb phone liberation was a little more stressful.

I personally felt great. Certain things were difficult. Listening to music while on the go became harder. I had to know exactly where I was going which was alright ‘cause I was in the same place every day. Occasionally I’d remember somebody I had to contact or something I wanted to look up and had no way of doing it. But what I found was that energy ended up moving into different tasks. I’d end up reading. Or wanting to write a diary.

The burner exposed how often I’d use my friends or partner as a very brief emotional crutch for little things. Like sending a picture of a stain I’d just given myself. Or talking about stuff I’d eaten. Instead I just experienced these fleeting doubts or questions. As I previously would have done.

By far what threw me the most during this “experiment” (wasn’t even an experiment I just wanted to focus ////) was everyone else’s relationship with their phones and the internet. Perhaps shit’s gone into hyperdrive of late but I felt like an alien. Don’t know how else to describe it. Because I wasn’t tapped into the constant updates and streams I was struggling to have a conversation with anyone. I was out the loop, for real.

By rational standards I wasn’t out of the loop. I know enough about the state of the world. But I suddenly knew very little about every immediate update. Regardless of whether or not it had undergone due diligence. Every hot take. Celebrity crossover. Freak out. Cancellation. Faux apology. I missed it all. My mum sends me tweets almost every day and no matter how often I remind her that I don’t use X anymore, I just have an account, she still does it. It was that multiplied by 10.

And I started to become concerned that people weren’t pay attention to the actual world around them. As in the one in front of our faces. Our local area. I began to

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One of the facilitators of a plant ceremony I attended had some fascinating things to say. In other words he said the world was upside down. Stuck in a handstand. So many of our teachings have stemmed from the same tales. Fractured into separate continents. Lost themselves to the ‘wants of the people’. But th…

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Stop being nice, it won’t help you. It’s the worst. I’m saying that as a people pleaser in recovery. My god. Forgiveness for the sake of harmony // at the expense of self // I’ve been there.

But why do I feel like this if I’m over it? How can it hurt when I feel free? I start making moves in my head. Figure out whic…

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Diane Abbott has just been suspended from the Labour Party for stating the obvious. The political realm has moved into a level of absurdity I didn’t realise was possible. Similarly, the public’s avid refusal to acknowledge blatant double standards continues to undermine logical discourse.

The feeling of injustice is infuriating. I resorted to my instagram stories, as goes modern expression. Some semblance of standing up for what I believe in. I chose to remind people what it was that a Tory donor had said about Diane Abbott last year.

He said that Diane Abbott should be shot and that watching her on TV makes him want to hate all black women.

Frank Hester, who has donated £10m to the Tories, reportedly said the MP made him want to "hate all black women".

Mr Hester apologised for making "rude" comments but said his words "had nothing to do with her gender nor colour of skin".

Downing Street initially declined to describe his comments as racist.

But later Mr Sunak's spokesperson said: "The comments allegedly made by Frank Hester were racist and wrong.

Lo and behold Kemi Badenoch at the helm, mere months later.

I posted this article and one of the first responses was from a Jewish follower and fan of mine. His response was “Sorry, but she played down antisemitism…”

For clarity, the claim that Dianne Abbott made was along the lines of “yes, many minorities experience prejudice, however, there is a difference between those prejudices.”

At no point did she disregard the prejudice that Jewish people or the Irish or travellers have historically endured. Her point was that there are many situations in which those particular identities are not immediately obvious, and so less likely to experience othering in the same way. Something specific to the “black and brown experience”.

I, for the life of me, can not understand what is suspension worthy about this statement.

Diane Abbott is a dark skinned black woman that has operated in the political sphere for decades. Regardless of opinions on particular topics, or perhaps the style in which she delivers messages, she has been on the receiving end of an unequivocal amount of vitriol. Case in point - a Tory donor wanting to shoot her.

Furthermore, when this matter was raised in the House of Commons - she was barely allowed to comment.

Feels patronising to spoon feed comparison but how are people unable to understand what the response would have been if he’d said that about a member of the Jewish community?

The fact that the immediate response I’ve had from a follower is to overlook the severity of what had been said to her, and instead centre the reality that she has “downplayed” antisemitism virtually proves her point.

If anything is being downplayed, it’s anti blackness. And before I divulge fully, I want to go over the parameters. If I, as a black man, am to tell a story or attempt to explain what that feels like within western society, I am not attempting to “victimise myself”. I need everyone to understand that someone can talk about having experienced something and not leverage that for sympathy or emotional engagement. None of us need that shit. And I am fully aware that I have “achieved more” than the majority of white people in this country.

Of course the added irony is that those same people who jump into comment sections talking about black people need to “get over themselves” and not “make everything about race”, will inevitably then talk about white people “being replaced” and “no one caring about working class white boys”. Everyone complains about victimhood until they find a reason to be one themselves.

I am going to be as clear about this as possible.

THE WORLD IS ANTI-BLACK.

I WISH IT WASN’T.

WE WISH IT WASN’T.

BUT IT IS.

You don’t have to feel guilty about it. You don’t have to adjust your dreams. You don’t have to feel burdened by the actions of your ancestors. But what you can do is root worldviews in reality. And certainly not attempt to convince anybody else not to see the world as it is.

The entirety of western decadence is built upon the subjugation of sub Saharan Africa. Everything we get to enjoy for virtually nothing like bananas, or remarkably expensive things like an iPhone, comes at the direct cost of black African labour. The richest continent on the planet. All a person has to do is 2 minutes of internet research to ascertain why it is that Africa is “unable to industrialise”. Every western nation understands how unbelievably unfair the trade off is. And no one does anything about it. Because everyone wants cheap bananas. Some African nations are at such dire straights that they literally buy garbage from Europe. They offer their own countries as landfill and we oblige.

It’s important to be clear about this. The entire western world are aware of how unfair the trade offs are and they all keep quiet because our standard of life depends on it.

The normal retort to this would be “why don’t these countries just pull themselves together and stop being so greedy?”. “Countries can’t keep blaming other countries for their demise. The world is full of opportunity. The real issue is corruption and greed!”

Insert list of African leaders who have approached leadership from a socialist and nationalist perspective and been assassinated.

Then follow that list with bad actors placed by our leaders in order to maintain instability.

In order to accept this perpetual subjugation we have to internalise ideas of blackness on a global level. Some unconscious or conscious part of our experience must be willing to accept this reality.

This is why conversations around what racism “really means” often end up investigating systems of power. On a previous stack I mentioned the Israeli billionaire who owned a monopoly of Congolese mines. The working conditions were abhorrent. The reverse is unimaginable. Why?

I watched an interview on The Breakfast Club with Lyor Cohen. One of the most powerful men in the music industry. Has made millions off of black artists. He made the claim that the promotion of drug use in (black) music is damaging for the society. A presenter asked him why he oversees that kind of music being released then. His response was that he was “opportunistic” and had “mouths to feed”.

Is this making sense?

Honestly wild to me that anti blackness has to be explained like this.

And imagine the irony. When tuned into LBC and hearing this topic discussed. A listener simply asked the presenter how it is exactly that they would ascertain that someone was Jewish. Of course, she was unable to answer without leaning into antisemitic tropes herself. And after stumbling around the conflation of race, state and religion she recommended David Badiel’s book “Jews Don’t Count” for people to gain further understanding. Unbelievable. David Badiel. Who’s had to apologise for doing black face on television. Bizarre how someone so acutely aware of group targeting has somehow overlooked that reality for anyone else other than themselves. Wild.

Every corner of the world is infected with remnants of colonialism and caste systems. Again, this isn’t me vying for sympathy. It’s just how it is. And it’s important that it’s made clear what’s being communicated when Diane Abbott, Mother of the House, has decided to speak transparently.

When Russia invaded Ukraine, who were the first people kicked off trains trying to leave? Black people. In fact, if you were wanting to volunteer in Ukraine during that initial part of the war, there were warnings on the website that the people “may be racist” because they’re “uninformed”. What kind of person do you think they’re referring to? Jews, Irish and travellers?

Black people usually google how racist a country is before they go on holiday. It’s not just a book and fly situation. Is that a shared experience?

That hardest geezer bloke just ran the whole of Africa. I wonder if a black dude could run the whole of Russia. Reckon that would work?

I actually checked in with an old Jewish acquaintance recently after I’d seen he’d responded to something I’d posted. I really like the guy and we had some good nights drinking when we were younger. I asked how he was feeling at the moment and he said it was pretty shit. His family are anti Netanyahu but obviously can’t escape being Jewish and Israeli. Said that someone shouted “fucking Jew” at him while DJing the other night because he has a Star of David necklace.

I made it clear that I was sorry that happened. Because it’s fucking shit. And not ideal for anyone. And I also realised that an experience like that would have been a Wednesday in Brighton for me as a teenager. Respectfully. I don’t want anyone to feel othered. But if that’s a reflection of tense times. How do we explain being black in Britain?

I’ve had friends who have been actually beaten up for being black. My first friend in Brighton was the first person to call me a nigger after we disagreed about a video game. I was told to go back to my own country more than once. Called Kofi (weird one). Pushed and shoved and told I should or shouldn’t be fighting on account of the colour of my skin. And I’m mixed race!

Across the globe hierarchies are invented and hinged upon the lightness of skin. From south east Asia to South America. People believe dark skin is a signification of poverty, of being out in the sun.

Why do they still have Black Pete in the Netherlands? Why did Mario Balotelli get booed playing football for his own country (Italy)? What did some English football fans resort to after three black boys missed penalties in a final?

Again - this isn’t a plea for sympathy. It’s just facts. Years and years of media and propaganda. Of fetishisation and suppression. The minimising of genetic diversity. Of conflation between race and poverty. Stop and search. Diane Abbott is Jamaican. Where do you think her last name originates from? 2 generations ago? Doesn’t sound like an African last name to me.

And the double standards don’t stop there. Kier Starmer is anti reparations but pro Israel. Is Israel not the biggest reparation in history? One that’s come at an incredible cost to an entire nation of people?

There is a reason there is a lineage of respect between Palestinian resistance and black resistance, specifically the panther movement, in spite of another tricky historical relationship between Arab nations and anti blackness. It’s because they’re both fighting for a right to self determination. They’re both fighting American bullshit and coordinated propaganda. They’re both fighting European settler colonialism. And on a macro level - white supremacy.

Africa has been extorted for centuries. The wider diaspora has done what it can to survive and in some cases, thrived. I could write a whole book on how twisted British mentalities have become, post colonialism. Pretty sure Akala already has. Too many people are full of vim but uninformed.

I saw a genuine news story last week in the Telegraph. The title was

“Bake sales for Gaza could stoke Jew hatred, EU warns

Fundraisers for Gaza make ‘Jews feel uncomfortable’, says Europe’s anti-Semitism tsar”

I’d love to tell you what makes me uncomfortable. A black woman being threatened and then silenced in Parliament. Diane Abbott can’t ‘change her skin tone’. She can’t take off a necklace. Or a hat. Or traditional robes. The reality is there are many white passing cultures that break bread at the point of anti-blackness. They are white when it suits them and not white when it suits them. I’m not even completely black and I get treated as if I am.

I didn’t create that world.

I sure as hell don’t have any real power in it.

And if you still have questions about the societal and structural significance of racism then I recommend you look into it. Some recommended reading would be -

“How Europe Underdeveloped Africa” by Walter Rodney

“Capitalism and Slavery” by Eric Williams

“Natives” by Akala

Ps. Kier Starmer is a coward.

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My first car crash was pathetic. I thought that my dog had been sick in the back, and when I turned around to check I drove into a compact silver Mercedes at 7mph. The entire front of my car came off. Fortunately this happened in front of a train station as a train pulled in, so only a hundred or so people saw it.

This was my first experience of crashing into something and I had no idea of the procedure. I knew I was insured, but that was it. My concern for the other car was pretty brief because there was genuinely not a scratch on it. Somehow. Before I could even figure out how to leave my number under a wiper or whatever, some bloke from a cafe was standing next to me with his phone out.

“You should probably report this mate.”

Something like that. He had an apron on. Must work there. Phone out as in filming me too. I’d later realise his assumption was that I’d ‘do a runner’. That I was ‘untrustworthy’. Had no idea that was an option.

“Can you help me, please? This is the first time this has happened.”

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Too many drafts. Too many open windows. Too many sites for sore eyes. Yeah, I’ve written a lot. Trust me. Been reading. A hundred mental tabs while trying to keep tab of not going mad. Getting overwhelmed easily. Conflicting ideas of responsibility.

What can I say that’s not already been said?

When I think about Palestine, I’m shattered. When I feel about it, I’m gutted. Feels selfish even saying that, being that my experience is negligible. Incomparable. Relatable though, perhaps. To the sheltered and caring. It’s a live-streamed abomination, after all. One I’ve followed my entire life. 33 years on this planet.

I was going to write something about Star Wars. About how in Star Wars: Rouge One, I played a member of the Rebel Alliance called Corporal Stordan Tonc. I was part of a band of shaggy rebels who organise in an attempt to win an asymmetrical war against a highly militarised enemy with a weapon capable of destroying planets. Ring any bells? Spoiler but it becomes a suicide mission. A suicide bombing if you will. Have I wondered which side of global warfare I was supposed to be portraying? Most certainly. Do I find it weird that American audiences have lauded the movie as arguably the best Star Wars film outside of the originals and yet haven’t grasped that they are part of the Galactic Empire we were fighting? Yes. In fairness, some of them have.

America and every extension of it. Including Israel. The US project has had some part in nearly every major global atrocity in my lifetime. And nowadays me even publishing that could mean I’d be denied a VISA. Actual fascism. Maybe that’s not new.

I daydreamed about writing another piece which begun by quoting Christopher Nolan’s Joker played by Heath Ledger. In The Dark Knight, there’s a scene where the Joker confronts Harvey Dent while he’s in hospital. It’s essentially the birth of the character 'Two Face’. He says…

… You know what I've noticed? Nobody panics when things go "according to plan." Even if the plan is horrifying! If, tomorrow, I tell the press that, like, a gang banger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics, because it's all "part of the plan". But when I say that one little old mayor will die, well then everyone loses their minds.”

I think about this part of the film a lot. I believe in balance and I believe in empathy. Even in the face of atrocity. I recently checked in on a blog written by an ex Israeli rep, for example. It’s important to understand the alternate perspective because all I’ve seen are the same stories approached from different angles. Even something as clear cut as a burning hospital. Each time fulfilling the required narrative. Each time bleeding further division into the discourse. Obscuring reality.

“War is hell. We didn’t want this war. We didn’t start this war. We didn’t even expect this war. But by God, we have to win this war. Or there will be a next, worse war, which we don’t want. And that means all the goals of war. Defeating Hamas and bringing back the hostages.” - Eylon Levy

Almost trippy to read a passage like this in 2025. From an Israeli much less. One that appeared on telly saying things. But it’s just as the Joker says. Around 1300 Israeli’s being massacred wasn’t “part of the plan”. The plan has always been a slow, torturous, dishonourable degradation of a country many Israelis don’t even believe exists. Just in my lifetime I’ve had two or three Jewish acquaintances try and explain to me why Palestine “isn’t a real place”.

My mum, born of a Jewish father, had a Free Palestine sticker in the window of her Toyota Yaris when I still wanted to be a pro skater. I’d watched videos of Palestinian children being spat at in the street ten years ago. Members of press being shot. I’d heard account after account of people coming back from Gaza in total shock. Horrified by what people were living through. Most memorably John Snow off of the news. Literally any person of any background at any point through my entire life returned calling for change. Everyone has come back in shock and terror at the blatant apartheid.

And yet the Israeli talking point to this day is that Israel is being held to a higher standard than any other country in the history of war. Innocent people dying is normal. Part of it. Starving kids. Also normal. Israel have one of the most advanced militaries in the world and nuclear weapons. Apparently Gaza not being annexed in one fell swoop is a testament to their impeccable standards.

And yet at no point has anyone asked if Palestine are being held to higher standards than any other country in history. Any other occupied territory in history. Decades worth of theft, prevention of industry, humiliation. Mowing the lawn. Just straight up stealing property. Constant surveillance. Imprisoning children. How on earth can someone claim to not have expected resistance? It’s delusional.

Maybe I wanted to write something about honour. A value lost in the wind along with freedom and self determination. Honour on all levels. What is the responsibility of the side with greater power? There’s a reason why boxing is in weight categories. May I never engage in warfare with an unequal force. May I never coerce, gaslight and manipulate someone into blind rage and then unleash violence on them claiming it to be their fault.

And I don’t understand how there’s so much power. Genuinely. Outside of US aid. From what I understand this is all to do with stories from books. I keep hearing from grown adults about a country having the right to exist because it’s in a book written thousands of years ago. Popstars are twiddling daisies in space while children are being bombed because of words in a book that may or may not be a work of fiction? We are preposterous.

And never have I faced such contorted conflation. Everywhere I turn is another complication. Another wiggly mirror. We’re talking about a race, state and religion. They are separate but the same. Zionism not specific to Jewish people but adjacent to anti-semitism. Because it’s about a homeland. I was told this was about a homeland for the Jewish people.

“[Supporting Israel] is the best $3 billion investment we make. Were there not an Israel, the United States of America would have to invent an Israel to protect her interests in the region.” - Joe Biden, 1986

Can you see why it’s all so confusing?

And yet Israel is such a small country. That’s another point. It’s so small. Jewish people are such a small community in regards to the world. But, in contrast, incredibly well represented in powerful positions across multiple industries. Especially entertainment. I’ve seen friends lose hundreds of thousands of pounds for standing up for Palestine. I’ve lost money for it. I’ve had friends receive threatening emails. Careers get rug pulled entirely. How is this possible?

Just recently, 30 record label executives tried to privately pressure Glastonbury festival into removing the Irish punk band Kneecap from performing. Main point being, isn’t that a real representation of how power works? Instead of leaving it up to the court of public opinion. Kneecap have taken a public pro Palestine stance but the attempt to have them removed for performing is underhand and secretive.

I sat with a friend last year discussing the fact that all of this was happening at the same time as an awakening around Congo. Wondering whether information was being suppressed or people just didn’t know as much. My friend told me that Congo and Palestine were the same thing. A complete imbalance of power. When I looked up who owned the mines in Congo, I was shocked to read it was an Israeli man named Dan Gertler. He oversaw a project so corrupt and so exploitative that the UN stepped in. Can you imagine a Conogelese man overseeing the exploitative labour of thousands and thousands of Israeli children? With no consequence? I can’t.

It’s not part of the plan. Maybe the plan is white supremacy. As usual. White death is the real horror. Outside of that it takes a lot before anyone cares. Arabs have been dehumanised in western society for most of my life. Post 9/11 was absolutely insane. But even prior to that. My partner’s grandparents came to the north of England from Yemen and started naming family members ‘Alan’ and ‘Brenda’. African families do this too. Just to be taken seriously.

And of course this Arab dehumanisation has been an attempt to distract from the reason as to why that whole area is destabilised anyway. UK and US intervention. Tony Blair jumping into Iraq in spite of proof that there were no weapons of mass destruction. Remember that guy got murdered on the side of the motorway? The guy who was doing a report into the weapons in the middle east? But no, we’re the upholders of freedom and democracy.

“This is a struggle between the children of light and the children of darkness, between humanity and the law of the jungle.” - A since deleted tweet from the President of Israel.

We know what it is. What it’s always been. A disregard for brown and black lives. Israel stands out in the region because that entire region has a different culture. It’s not European. It’s not American. That’s how the world works. It’s not supposed to be monolithic and it never will be. You don’t have to agree with it. But you let the region reason with itself.

This isn’t even new information. None of it is.

I was going to write about the man I just heard on the radio, claiming that pro Palestine protestors are ‘naive’. That we’re marching for the rights of an undemocratic, savage state. I feel as though he might be naive in misunderstanding what it is about this particular circumstance that resonates with so many. Being occupied and simply punished for existing. Being born into a world where you’re kicked in the leg and then blamed for not standing.

That feeling of being occupied and restrained and contained just in case you might become a threat. Because people similar to you in one way or another found a way to challenge the ones in control. The constant surveillance. It feels too tangible. Watered down, of course, because we aren’t being publicly murdered. But it’s not hard to feel a kinship. Certainly not as part of the 99%.

The conversation will never be perfect. Palestinians will never be perfect. We will never be perfect. Perfection shouldn’t be the expectation of a people who have a natural right to self determination. Have we lost that right within ourselves?

I have nothing new to add. I’m just appalled. And I always have been.

There’s more to be said in fact but the consequences are real.

I guess everyone dreams of a homeland nowadays.

Perhaps people should stop interfering.

There’s no point to this. I’m just venting.

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My first memorable insight into the global foray of cognitive dissonance, came a decade ago during a flight to Ibiza.

Went via City airport. Small and quick like a mouse. Was heading to a yoga fitness retreat, as you do. I was in good shape. Went with a friend of mine who I would get pissed with. Cool, smart and attractive but purely platonic. I’ve always found it easy to make friends with women. Having grown up with so many. I wasn’t looking for anything. She was looking for a husband and I did not fit the bill even if the vibe was there. But we had fun together. So an impromptu trip on account of health was added to the list of side quests. I got a discount if I posted about it. That kind of shit.

When checking in, I found myself behind a guy holding what looked like a massive carpet. He was locked in a dispute with the airline.

“Look, I’m a leather-smith. I need this. It’s part of my work.”

“I’m sorry sir, you’ve already exceeded your baggage allowance. I don’t know what else to suggest.”

That sort of thing. Part of my emotional baggage, certainly at that time, was a need to please if possible. To help when I can. Go out on a limb for people I have literally never met before and have no idea about.

Of course, this man who was unknown to me and has quite long hair and likes hemp or linen or something boho like that has ultimately fallen foul to his own organisational skills or maybe he thought he could blag it when he got here or whatever either way it’s not working out for him and this could be a huge life lesson if the mishap was completely experienced.

Of course, it won’t be. Because I am the person behind him and part of me wanted to just get the check in over with and I knew I had another bag on my luggage allowance and maybe I hadn’t been fucked over enough in life yet at that point so I thought why not listen to my impulses.

“He can use my luggage allowance if he wants.”

The lady at the desk looks a little startled. Rightly so. He’s masking his bewilderment or he’s fallen in love with me or both, I don’t know but it’s quietened everything right down, that’s for sure. Zara’s already checked in so I want to go catch up with her.

“Are you sure, sir? It’s your responsibility if it’s something dodgy.”

“Yeah, I don’t care.”

“Oh, wow. Thanks dude.”

The Boho Man responds with the air of someone who might convince themselves later on that I am a spiritual apparition. When relayed as an anecdote I might well take the form of an angel.

“As long as you’re sure?”

“I’m sure.”

The man, sincerely says he owes me one. Leaves the fucking leather carpet thing and glides off somewhere. I check in and meet Zara.

Couple hours later, during the flight, me and Z are chatting shit, as we do, and the guy fucking comes over. Which is fine. I’d already mentioned the debacle to her but we would have been mid gossip, it’s guaranteed. We fuckin’ loved that shit. Anyway the seats in front of us were free, so he plants his knees on them, and leans over to us like it’s a garden wall. Or a toilet stall. He stretches out an arm and he’s holding a leather wallet.

“Here you go, dude. Just as a thank you. This is the kind of stuff that I make.”

I take it from him. An undeniably sweet gesture.

“That one is actually slightly faulty, I cut the leather wrong, but it’s still usable.”

Bittersweet. The guy’s eyes slightly widen when he sees Zara.

“Hi, I’m -

I can’t remember his name so he’s called Boho.

- Boho. Who are you?”

“Oh hi, I’m Zara.”

“Cool. I’m a leather-smith.”

“I can see!”

Zara’s not interested. But he lingers. And continues. Regardless of invitation. He no longer seems aware of me at all.

“I do photography too.”

Zara and I nod in unison. I respond.

“What kind of photography?”

Boho man remembers I exist.

“Oh, like… I love black and white. Pictures in nature. Sometimes I do… nude stuff.”

Zara and I nod in unison. Boho turns his attention back to Zara.

“I’d love to take pictures of you. You look great.”

Yes, he really said that. No, Zara didn’t agree. We politely diverted. Wild, in hindsight. Perhaps he felt flattery was enough to override an unbelievably lazy approach. Either way, what followed was some more dead air, while in the air, and we thought maybe he’d fuck off, but he didn’t. Instead he said something that I’d never heard before. But would unfortunately, somehow, hear more of in the years that followed.

He gestured towards the tiny plane window, with the same arm that handed me the faulty wallet, and said.

“Look out there. At that skyline… No curvature.”

We look out of the window. Confused as to what it is he means.

“What do you mean no curvature?”

“Well, there’s no curve, is there? And the world is supposed to be round. Doesn’t make sense. There’d be a curve, wouldn’t there?”

Let me be honest. When he first said this to me. And bare in mind, I’d never ever

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Estate war. What you got an aggy face for? We’re carrying eggs, it’s not just life that we claim’s raw. Taking advantage of the days without rain pour, we remain poor. So wait, pause, in case your, face falls foul to the product of foul we like to cage more - don’t be chicken…

Those lyrics open up the 2nd Rizzle Kicks album. Great album, shi…

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A close friend of mine is in intensive care. I’m fucking scared. We’re texting and stuff. He’s doing the brave thing but his brother said he’s feeling low. I love this man. He is kind and generous and troubled and open and unbelievably talented. I don’t think it’s fair what is happening to him. How much pain he’s in. But …

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And again I’m found reflecting on simplicity. Words can live in long lines of luxury but oftentimes the least can do the most. That sentence itself was on the edge. I mention in my book that, during heartbreak, a friend simply told me that

‘One day you’ll wake up and feel better. It’s guaranteed.’

That was it. And to further prove the point, she’s one of the most articulate people I know. There is something to be said for efficiency. In times of crises. Not always. Believe me I need ambiguity. I crave the grey space between words and perception. I can find whatever I need. Or gifted something I wasn’t aware of. But those uncut, direct ones? Little intake of breath. They hit.

And I’d like to revisit ancient knowledge. A sentiment perpetually promoted. For good reason. But I really want to sit with it. Because it’s not a joke. It really is real. And that reality is quite simply that we must all FACE our FEARS.

It seems obvious, but does it? It does to me. Doesn’t do much to change the outcome. Facing fear is horrendous. Often our minds and egos create imaginary realms where facing our fears is unnecessary. Inconvenient. But it’s essential. Not only because of the visceral sensation we experience when a monster shrinks. But also because if we carry fear with us, it can very easily clone itself.

The first time I learned that my mum had vertigo, we were halfway up the steps towards a temple. She encouraged me to walk ahead and just let her sit down for a second. I remember being confused and concerned, but for whatever reason I didn’t feel as though I was unable to go any further. She also, importantly, didn’t want to prevent me from going any further. Which I’ve grown to appreciate the older I’ve got. The very least we can do as humans and parental figures is try our best to let fear die with us. Which is getting harder by the day. We are drowning in fear.

Have we forgotten how difficult the first time is for nearly anything? How daunting an activity is on the basis we have never done it? Left with only our worst possible case scenarios and whatever hellish discussion board we’ve found on the internet. I’ve seen people read their way out of an experience. Unreliably narrate their way out of something life changing. We definitely don’t have to experience everything. Bravery isn’t always necessary. But as the saying goes - you lose what you don’t use.

That works in a physical sense like our muscles. But also in a non physical sense like with courage. It’s so easy to slip into a place where we turn away from situations that seem immediately difficult and unappealing. Sometimes you have to do shit for the feeling after. We have to motivate ourselves. Otherwise immobility becomes second nature. I say immobility. For some, amidst this chaotically hyper productive society, the idea of “doing nothing” as in “just being” is what’s scary. I certainly struggle with that. The more we do something, the easier it gets.

Comfort kills. It doesn’t have to be huge. Not massive. Little wins too. Day by day. Bite size. Don’t have to scale a mountain. Go for a walk. Speak kindly to yourself. Be honest with yourself. Who are you without distraction? .

We are also fed fear without facing it. Naomi Klein wrote a book called ‘The Shock Doctrine’. From just the first couple of chapters the message is clear. People are more malleable in a state of fear. Historically, in the wake of major crises, people swoop in to make long term moves. Buying up real estate in the wake of a hurricane. Use impending war to change law. Remove freedoms while we hide from invisible viruses. It’s almost obvious. But so hard to evade.

And as time goes on. The news gets wilder. More and more unnecessary. Every day it’s terror. Every day is hand picked global atrocity. For what? To maintain a state of vigilance. Distrust. A state of insecurity. And what’s more. Is the added sprinkle of guilt if you dare look away. For some, it’s morally unacceptable to not engage with global horror. Of course, in some cases I agree with this. There are global atrocities that play right into our local frameworks. Genocides we cannot ignore. But random pile ups in another continent? Someone being attacked by a shark off a random shore? I just looked on my phone now. Family of 5 killed in helicopter crash in New York. Why is that on BBC news? What am I gaining from this information?

Quick answer - nothing. If my family were on that helicopter, I wouldn’t need BBC news to tell me. And what’s more. My inevitable compassion isn’t necessarily limitless. Is it selfish for me to hope to hold on to whatever energy I have reserved that day? Keep it for those immediately around me? For those I can genuinely affect? People are building their entire concepts of the world off of completely unfiltered clickbait. Due diligence has died. It’s all about speed and panic. This fear does little but unease us. Keep us captive. But it’s addictive. So in actuality the confrontation we’d need to make in this circumstance, is being brave enough to turn it off. Brave enough to step outside. Connect to our local community.

These days I lose jobs and money because of my views. Apparently I wasn’t considered “safe enough to work in a school” because I discussed the legality of psychedelics on a podcast. Specifically DMT. I only spoke about DMT because I

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Longest stack yet. Cards on the table, I’m advocating for boys. Inspired by talks after talks and after signings and in the street and online and in my head and with people I love. Stimulated by frustration and a need for grounding. Minds are fizzing and all thoughts are welcome. If you feel I’ve missed or tripped on anything, feel free to leave a comment. I only ask that you’re respectful and open. It’s ongoing.

I watched Adolescence. It’s the third time I’ve been moved to tears in a show’s final moments watching Stephen Graham. I almost said ‘reduced’ to tears then. That would have been a fitting hiccup. Why do we even say that? Other memorable sobbing was the end of the ‘This Is England’ series. I watched that alone, on my laptop. On a whatever afternoon. Gut contorted with internal conflict. Tainted with sympathy towards a reformed racist and their impending justice. For those familiar, it was Milky’s pain in that moment too. Fucked me up for real.

Again, without giving too much away, with the final scene in Adolescence I was dealt another emotional knock out. My nose cut wind and my throat closed up. The decision as to whether or not I fought that wave removed from me as the scene progressed. Last line a fallen anchor of remorse. It was overwhelming.

The actors, the directing, the writing. Dream team level collaboration. Ashley Walters too, who I’m honoured to call a friend, I thought was exceptional. Especially in the first episode. The brilliant Faye Marsay, who I acted alongside in my first ever role. A series also written by this show’s writer and co-creator, Jack Thorne. I’ve seen little but ascension from him since. The show is spectacular and necessary and shocking and, yeah, heartbreaking. Very few ‘answers’ or clarity though. Not that it’s particularly needed for a character piece like this. Maybe that was never the goal.

After wiping the tears from my face, gratefully, my mind wandered. What am I being left with? What can I take from this? I texted my friend Ben, from Beyond Equality. Are we meant to be scared of teenage boys now? I said. He helped me realise that even a concern towards the private lives of teenage boys is a positive thing. I really agree with that. He’s right. The ambiguity was enough to inspire conversation. Which is always good. We multiply thoughts by dividing opinions. That’s the mantra. Within reason. Within the hope that people are still able to hold and entertain opinions outside of their own.

Then I began to see the splits occur. People began to zone in on whatever element of the story they found best fit their agenda. Or just whatever they felt best equipped to critique. Agenda feels loaded. But yeah, some people went down the race route. Some people had valid issues with the depiction of certain characters. Some more drawn to certain characters and, yes, slowly the feeling of genuine fear began to emerge. Which lead me to wonder,

Yes, teenage boys are being radicalised on the internet. But aren’t we also?

Again, I held off from commentating. Mainly because, if I’m honest, there were elements of the show that didn’t sit right with me, and whenever I had discussions about it, I could tell that I was triggered and upset. And I promised myself that I would hold off from speaking purely because I was being encouraged to.

Instead, I would continue to watch and listen and take everyone’s view into account and then apply to my own. I was also, as seems to be the way these days, discouraged by the realisation that my view was/is probably unpopular and felt unwilling to shift my energy without good reason.

A friend of mine then sent me a Substack about Adolescence and I had to say something.

You can read the full stack here. But the general point the author is making (I’m assuming everyone’s watched it because the numbers are crazy), is that the element of the story that suggests the boy had been bullied by the victim was unnecessary. Her point is that boys/men don’t need to be bullied into murdering women and girls, they simply need to be rejected. She says that statistics lead us to believe that. She actually goes as far as to say -

But next time, let’s take it another layer deeper. Let’s dare to remember the scariest part of all of this - that a woman just existing is enough to inspire homicidal violence in radicalized men. And that we can’t tell who has been radicalized until it’s too late…

We’re not going to solve this problem if we aren’t brave enough to face how very random the violence is and how deep the hate runs. It’s so much easier to try to package it in seemingly reasonable motives.

That, however, isn’t how the violence inspired by dominance hierarchies works. Whether we’re talking about gender or race or sexuality, it doesn’t matter. It’s all the same. The violence is senseless and arises without provocation.

Jamie was always going to kill Katie, no matter what she did or did not do. So is every young man who is on the road to this same kind of radicalization.

In spite of my complete understanding as to why this conclusion has been made, I feel a lot of this is in bad faith. The conflation between men/young men/boys in this case is unhelpful. Oftentimes in and around societal discussion, statistics or ‘absolutes’ are thrown in the mixer and naturally the shock engages us. It’s addictive.

Which is why it’s important that information is fair and accurate. Not fear mongering for the sake of it. The world feels like it’s burning to the ground constantly right now purely because of how rapidly bad news spreads. How infectious fear is. Of course there is a need for change. There is always a need to reduce needless violence. But I feel the relaying of fear in of itself has become so rewarding, that providing balance or contrary statistics - ones that can even feel hopeful - are now perceived as insulting or in poor taste. I can give an example of this later.

In just a few paragraphs the author has gone from “rejection”, a raw wound that definitely needs dealing with, to a woman or girl just existing.

I may be way off here. But it’s at points like this. And this is as well as various other examinations of “male rage” and damaging behaviour. That I feel inclined to remind people that the boy in the show is 13 years old. He is a child. I’m very much aware that social media has driven a rise in misogynist retort amongst children. But am I out of line by making it abundantly clear how rare it is that a boy would actually stab a girl to death?

Is it wild for me to say that? That in spite of millions of boys and girls going to school every single day - the amount of tragic cases are thankfully in single figures? That’s if we’re talking about girls. The actual statistical elephant in the classroom - is that boys are at least four times more likely to be stabbed. Yes - by other boys. But does that mean that they are any less innocent? Have we internalised the idea that boys may have had more to do with their own death?

Which reminds me of a paragraph that comes slightly earlier in the Substack I’m referencing. The author writes -

Further, male-on-female violence is statistically much more violent than when men kill other men. The latter typically involves firearms, whereas the former is most frequently accomplished by strangulation, vicious beatings, or stabbings. (Although in the past three years in the U.K., most teenage victims of homicide were killed by stabbing, representing a sharp increase in knife homicides among teenagers, regardless of gender.)

This represents the endpoint of a longer pattern of abuse that is almost always present when femicide occurs. Most men who commit femicide have abused women multiple times before they escalate to murder.

It’s these moments of intellectual dishonesty that get me. It’s these moments where I have to immediately consult with my partner or close friends to prevent myself spiralling into a rabbit hole of male injustice. For clarity. I am firmly against ALL needless violence. I am fully aware of how dangerous men can become to those around them when emotionally disregulated. And how can we approach communal issues fairly when male victims won’t even be recognised? I’m guessing because they themselves are male? The BBM (but it’s by men) Paradox.

Focussing on the “type of death” before bizarrely casting aside being shot as if it’s merely a dangerous handshake is wild to me. The author also focusses those initial statistics on US findings, before returning to our own country and claiming that knife crime had risen “regardless of gender”. As of 2024, knife crime incidences only rose for boys. I’m not sure on the figures this year but you will still be undoubtedly more likely to die as a result of being stabbed if you are a boy. And what is it called when a boy stabs a boy? Is it motivated by hatred then? Is it gendered? Or is it part of the plan?

I vividly remember hearing about the murder that inspired the series. The image of a boy carrying a bunch of flowers and machete at the same time was emblazoned in my mind. I wrote it about it immediately. The whole thing was fucking horrific. The very next day, two 13 year old boys were stabbed to death. Two. In January of this year, a 15 year old boy was stabbed to death at a bus stop in Woolwich. Yesterday, two 15 year old boys were stabbed to death in a park.

If I was to hazard a guess, I would say that the upsurge in knife crime seems to have miraculously occurred in complete unison with the worst living standards in recent memory. Yes, social media has a lot to answer for. But what else are kids meant to rely on when all the youth centres have been closed? When all the arts programs have been defunded? I’m a firm believer that it takes a village to raise a child. Kids are growing up with no guidance because they’ve probably got two parents too exhausted to keep track of them.

This was also the aspect of Adolescence that I felt most let down by. Leaving viewers with the idea that a child can have a “happy upbringing” and yet become a murderer because of the internet. Perhaps I’m being naive but - no. I simply do not believe that’s true. Not from all my years of reading and therapy and retreats and life and love and family and discussion and curiosity. That’s not how it works.

One of my best friends has an 18 year old boy. Loving, sweet, maybe a little too innocent. When he speaks, I see my friend. His facial expressions, intonations. In fact, his dad is even apparent in his aspirations. In episode 4 of Adolescence, Stephen Graham’s character makes the point that he was brutally beaten by his dad, so he promised he’d never treat his own boy like that, now his boy is a murderer.

But am I meant to read this as a dad battling with where it went wrong? Or is he wondering if beating his child would have prevented him becoming a murderer? Or have we lost sight of what constitutes being a parent nowadays? Do we look into eyes as much as we do screens?

The mother too makes the point that she feels as though they did their best. I’ve only seen my friend Donna discuss the mother. And even then, I hope she doesn’t mind me saying, she felt she had to pull back a little. Critiquing the dad seems to be free game. Overlooking the mother’s equal responsibility - not so much. This is a 13 year old boy that we’re talking about. Do we really believe that a boy can feel indifferent towards his mother because of the internet?

I feel as though we miss an opportunity to delve deeper into what can contribute to a fractured home life for a young boy. Was his dad working too much? That would make a lot of sense. So, in fact, they could have been more present as parents but were unable to because of financial restraints? Because of the cost of living? That’s immediately more grounded to me. Is the mum as passive as she seems?

I remember watching a documentary called Three Identical Strangers. The whole thing was essentially a social experiment surrounding nature and nurture. Would three identical male twins separated at birth and raised differently meet mutual paths? In short - no. Two of the twins were raised in warm, loving environments with one particular dad supposedly emanating joy and encouragement. They found each other in their teens and intertwined their adopted families. The third was raised in a regimented home with a traumatised ex soldier and ended up killing himself. I’m sorry to be crass. But that is the reality. Children need connection.

Unless the child in the show is legitimately a psychopath - which is a possibility - the ground must have been at least sown at home first. If it’s a ‘We Need To Talk About Kevin’ vibe then, sure. But I don’t feel as though it was framed liked that. Actual psychopath is the only real possibility in the instance of ‘murderer with happy upbringing’. For clarity, this is in the case of murder. I do believe that young minds can be brainwashed. Groomed. Confused and turned upside down. But murderous without adult intervention? Not sure.

I was lucky enough to go to a screening of Adolescence before it came out. During the Q&A, Jack Thorne made the point that during his research for the film, he had to admit that he himself may have been radicalised as a teen if presented with the online content that he found. He let that revelation sit in the theatre. It was probably the most poignant moment in the discussion. He didn’t elaborate further. But I too in my research have seen the tactics used to radicalise boys - and within some of these current societal conversations - I can see why.

The first step to radicalising a boy is convincing them that nobody cares about them. That the only person they can rely on is themselves and they can’t trust a soul. I see it all the time and it’s heartbreaking. Within that framework, all that they need is a handful of confirmations and they look for more advice from the person or network that gave them that outlook. And who else are boys going to listen to when they’re only seen as perpetrators?

Up until the age of 18, boys are majorly at risk of being abused themselves. By adults, mainly. Yes, men and also some women. We’ve gone from fighting violence against women and children to violence against women and girls. Can we not just fight needless violence and abuse? Can we not do what we can to improve parenting and safeguarding?

Right now in the UK, with current legislation, if you are a man being abused in a relationship, which is more common than any statistic will show, you are considered a ‘male victim of violence against women and girls’. Is it a stretch to consider that unhelpful? Men need to be part of shifting attitudes and behaviour and I’m not sure this helps. Especially knowing that most abusers have been abused.

The BBM paradox could do with disappearing because there are millions of innocent boys and men that are completely unified in wanting to eradicate the same behaviours as women and girls do. It’ll be harder to do that if their own hardships are dismissed as ‘simply part of the male experience’. There is so much nuance to being a boy and a man. There are so many factors that connect and divide us. Factors that, in a lot of cases, make for more compelling conversation.

There’s a reason boys learn martial arts. We carry weapons out of fear. We also avoid dark parks at night. If I’m in a neighbourhood I don’t know, I’ll tend to walk where there’s street lights. Two male strangers staring at each other for too long can lead to all types of shit. A single punch in a drunken fight can end a life. Happens too often. This isn’t instead of or more important than the behaviours that women and girls must learn in order to stay safe - it’s as well as. I’ve just picked up a martial art because I know I need to be able to defend myself. Everyone should.

My other friend was speaking about how upset her teenage brother became as a result of that whole man vs bear shit. He was in shock about how readily dismissed an entire gender could become. The obvious answer to that question for me is - what kind of bear? and what kind of man? No?

We are not living in a utopia right now. We have to take things into consideration. And we also must appreciate and love the people we have around us. All this separatist mentality does is play directly into the hands of the scammers. We, as men, carry legacies of distance. We are being asked more of our personal capabilities than ever before and it’s difficult. A lot of men do not know love. It’s torn from us very early. Yes by a system designed and upheld by men. At the cost of the majority of men and women.

The bravest act any human being can partake in is having our hearts broken and then loving again. It’s unfathomable. But so rewarding. Else we become the frost we despise. We become manifesters of our own fears. Zoned into acts of terror like repeated numbers. Ignoring every minute of the day leading up to 11:11.

This is not gender exclusive. You understand men struggle with stillness. Calm. Like they should do. We are made to vibrate and keep love at arms length. Don’t believe the bravado. Love is quiet. So, yes, proclaiming to disconnect from “men” will do little but confirm everything that man’s already been told. By his father and friends and school and self. Isolation isn’t alien. If you really want to stress that man out. Tell him that you adore him. And that he’s beautiful. And that you’re thankful that he exists. He won’t know what to do with that. It’ll genuinely hurt him.

The grounds on which these men are radicalised is fertilised by disdain. For decades, women have fought for the freedom to self determine. To have choice as mothers. To have choice as workers. To have adaptability. While men seem to have added more padlocks to the box. Tightened their shoelaces. Identifying with the very system that destroyed them. Berated for being poor or introverted. For having unconventional interests. Kicking them out of the men club and leaving them with only rejection of self as the way back in. Creating sexual separation. A hostility towards fluidity. A rejection of the feminine.

And I know that the anger runs deep. I’ve seen it. No doubt I will again. I’ve had people working within community sectors and on podcasts and for charities telling me about the pushback they receive when opening up a space for men and boys. An angry resistance. From those yet to heal from the harm caused by men. Why should their empathy extend to an enemy? Fuck ‘em. They deserve it.

The kicker is, if you really wanted to hit a man where it hurts - you would love him. There’s little more uncomfortable and torturous than genuine acceptance in the realm of male adulthood. The idea that rejection and distancing from men is some kind of “gotcha” is a misnomer. We are well versed in distance. If the expectation is that we are nothing more than dormant monsters, where is there to go?

Being a teenager has always been messy and horrendous. For boys and for girls. There will always be a testing of boundaries and morality and ethics and status. Whether it’s a playground confrontation or a spread rumour. Doing what we’re not supposed to. These are years where we learn through experience. We quite literally don’t know any better. We, as adults, must hold those boundaries. Lead by example. Whilst remaining grounded. Teenagers might think they’re big but they’re not. They’re struggling to fit into a fucked up world. All of them.

I mentioned earlier that I would give an example of a counter narrative. Just for the sake of balance. Just last year, two teenage boys saved a 62 year old woman from drowning in a river after she hit her head. Around the same time two teenage boys actually jumped onto railway tracks to save a man’s life. Couple of years before two teenage boys talked a woman off of a bridge. One boy a couple of years ago saved a woman who’d fallen out of her mobility scooter onto some tracks. He was coming home from the gym.

Was this because they’re boys? Or because they’re human?

Are we comfortable with sharing uplifting news anymore?

I’m not trying to detract or distract. Just grounding and balance. Connection over everything.

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