This message covers a few key projects that have reached maturity and I am so glad to be able to release them into the world. Thank you to every one of you for your messaging, sharing, subscribing, donating, pre-ordering, downloading and GENERAL VIBING. I hope you are exploring the landscape of life with the odd piece of Robins-adjacent #content to keep you company, whether it be through bright blushing glade or gloomy furrow. Onwards!

Thirst - OUT NOW

Yes! Wow! It feels so good to be able to say that! You can now buy my book ‘Thirst: Twelve Drinks That Changed My Life’. You can do so from your bookseller of choice here are links to Amazon and Waterstones

Amazon

Waterstones

The audiobook is also available, read by me! And it features #Bonus #Content from Elis, Dave, Robin and a tiny little dash of Lou Sanders. So grab it wherever you listen to audiobooks!

The book is now yours, my relationship with it ends, and yours begins. I do hope you find it interesting, funny, helpful or at the very least, well-executed! I am not going to enter into a rabbit hole of how it is received, that is none of my business! But if you are the sort of person who shares and reviews the things you like, I would be very grateful if you could let people know / leave an encouraging review somewhere, it might help someone find their way towards the sort of book that would have helped me when I was struggling.

Go well!

How Do You Cope?

Yes it is back! Circa fourteen discussions with some truly remarkable people. I’ve loved researching and recording the conversations, and at time of going to press, episodes with Richard Osman, Alison Spittle and Esther Ghey are now available. Plenty more to come and I do hope you enjoy them

You can subscribe via your podcast provider of choice here

https://podfollow.com/how-do-you-cope/view

Patreon - AKA - The Elis and John Cinematic Universe

Plenty of bonus content, episodes, videos and general high jinx are now available to Patreon subscribers. Including a mega marathon special which is either about to drop or has just dropped! You can explore here

https://www.patreon.com/elisandjohn

It’s like a video diary of the day from Dave, Elis and myself. And what a day it was! Which brings me to my final bit of business today

Thank You from Standing Together Against Domestic Abuse

I am overwhelmed by the support, both moral and financial, for my Marathon fundraiser. It is open for a couple more weeks and you can check out the total here

https://www.justgiving.com/page/johnrobins

As I write you have doubled my already insane target, and I wanted to pass on a message from Jo Choi, acting Chief Executive of STADA. I will leave you with her words and my unending gratitude

Hi, I’m Jo, Interim CEO of Standing Together Against Domestic Abuse.

WOW! Truly, WOW. We are deeply moved and incredibly grateful for the generosity you have shown. We never imagined that so many of you would be touched by our mission and choose to stand with us so powerfully. Your kindness sends a clear message that survivors are seen, supported, and protected.

We are immensely thankful to John for lending his voice and heart as our ambassador and for helping shine a spotlight on this vital work. Together - John and each and every one of you - you are helping us move closer to our shared vision: a world without domestic abuse and violence against women and girls.

At the heart of our work is the Coordinated Community Response (CCR) - a transformational way of ensuring that survivors are not failed by fragmented systems. CCR brings professionals together, encourages shared responsibility, and enables earlier, joined‑up action. This approach saves lives. Every moment of safety we create can mean the difference between survival and silence.

Your donations make this life‑saving work possible by:

• Amplifying the voices of victims and survivors, ensuring their lived experiences shape policy, practice, and better outcomes for others.

• Training and empowering professionals, giving them the confidence and skills to recognise abuse, respond safely, and work together to protect victims and children.

• Influencing decision‑makers and governing bodies, using robust evidence to drive policy change and strengthen society’s response to domestic abuse.

John Robins we are so proud of you! And to all our donors, your support transforms coordination from an idea into consistent, frontline practice that inevitably saves lives.

From all of us at Standing Together, the biggest thank you for believing in this work, for standing with survivors, and for helping create safer futures. Together, you are making lasting change.

FACT MODE ENGAGED

PATREON

Ever heard of it? Yes, after twelve years (gulp) and over a thousand podcasts, you can now sign up to our Elis and John Patreon!

Before I go any further I want to stress in the largest font available to me

Everything you currently have from us will remain free, gratis, on the house and (if you listen on BBC Sounds) ad-free.

Ad free episodes will of course be available on Patreon too.

Here’s another thing for the big font fact attack

All Patreon tiers get exactly the same: everything!

For twelve years Elis and I have been overwhelmed, humbled and very protective of our listeners and PCDs. We don’t want to deny anyone anything and we don’t want to create levels or hierarchies of fans. Patreon doesn’t offer a ‘pay what you want’ model, but the closest we could get was to offer the same to everyone at three different monthly prices. So our “tiers” aren’t tiers at all really, they’re just vibe spaces. And here they are

£5 Elis and John Apologist

£7 Vibe-Taster

£9 Hammer Legend

(Please note: if for some reason your browser defaults to USD there is an option to switch to GBPQuid at the bottom of the page)

And here’s what everyone gets

THE ADVENTURES OF ELIS & JOHN

We are EXCITED TO THE MAX ABOUT THIS.

I am delighted to announce THE ADVENTURES OF ELIS AND JOHN. This is a monthly film brought to you the you the viewer (on Patreon) where Elis and I will travel around adventuring with Dave and present our exploits to you in as polished a format as our budget allows (and it’s pretty damn good if you ask me!). If you remember #BonusContent hits such as Elis and John Do An Escape Room and Elis and John Go Bowling, it’s that kind of vibe.

The first episode is up now, where the three of us compete in an Olympiad at Croydon Sports Arena. Who will reign supreme? Will there be any downsides to not practising track and field events you haven’t done since 1996 on the coldest day of the year?! Can you vape during the 1500m? Find out now!

patreon.com/elisandjohn

You also get

Full video podcast episodes!

That’s two a week! The first one will be up by tomorrow evening!

Weekly Behind The Scenes Footage!

Footage of me in a bath is up soon!

Ad-free podcasts

(obvs!)

First dibs on live show tickets

We will be performing live again soon and you’ll be the first to know and the first to buy tickets!

Patreon community chat

Currently on our Patreon there is an Elis and John (General) chat and also a place for you to suggest future adventures for us to film for you! The Facebook group and Reddit thread will still be of paramount importance as arenas for you to Back Britain / #DefendDave / suggest we’re phoning it in. And long may these wonderful online communities thrive!

And, to reiterate, for those of you that don’t want to sign up to Patreon, nothing you currently experience from us is disappearing. Podcasts are still available wherever you get them from, both episodes of Elis and John are ad-free on Sounds and The Bureau De Change Of The Mind is staying there too. For non-Patreon subscribers (Elis and John Freegans? / Gratisticians? / On The Housers?) your lives will be enriched with...

DEDICATED YOUTUBE CHANNEL

We’ve always been on YouTube in a strange unfindable way, I think the BBC’s term for this was “organic”. Well now you can dive into weekly highlights of the show and trailers for The Adventures Of Elis and John. There might also be shorts of stand out moments. So please do subscribe to the channel ASAP!

https://www.youtube.com/@elisandjohn

PODCAST REVOLUTION

From today onwards Elis and John will be available in a slightly different way. We’ve developed a new contract with the BBC which, in fairness to the BBC, is pretty ground-breaking. It means we can commercialise Elis and John whilst maintaining the BBC Sounds experience for Sounds-Headz. In very simple terms this means we can start to have adverts outside of BBC Sounds, and we will no doubt create hilarious live reads for the likes of Big Bisc, Big Seed and, if all goes to plan, A SIGNIFICANT MORE SENSE THAN MONEY BOY HOTEL BRAND.

Due to #Factors the odd comment / poli-chip / mention of New Balance Fresh Foam X More V5 may be snipped out of the BBC Sounds version, but they will be 99.5% the same #Solid #Gold #Content

If your brand would like to sponsor the podcast you can email hello@significanthq.com to discuss terms. Due to always demanding “one hundred million grand” Elis and I will not be part of that discussion.

NEW SOCIAL CHANNELS AND WEBSITE

You can now follow Elis and John on Instagram and TikTok. Just search @elisandjohn

All the links are available here on our brand new website!

elisandjohn.com

SOME IMPORTANT BITS DAVE WANTS ME TO SAY

Our email address has changed to hello@elisandjohn.com

Please don’t subscribe to the Patreon through the Patreon app. This is all because of Apple’s ludicrous “in-app purchase” charge, which means you pay an extra 25%, all of which goes to Apple Inc. Subscribe online and then feel free to download the app to manage your fanage / vibe with your tribe / commune in your commune.

So, there you have it. A content revolution at your finger tips.

SOME FINAL PLUGS FROM ME

There are still tickets to my Edinburgh, Liverpool and Oxford Thirst book tour dates

https://www.seetickets.com/tour/john-robins

You can pre-save the audiobook of Thirst wherever you get audiobooks

Signed copies are still available here

https://www.waterstones.com/book/thirst/john-robins/2928377356323

Pre ordering Thirst helps immeasurably for reasons I won’t go into so if you have any intention of buying it please pre order at your retailer of choice and I will love you forever.

My marathon fundraising page has passed £50,000 and I am enormously grateful!

LOVE YOU BYE!

I suppose we have to look to the people we interact with, those we know and love, or even just sit opposite on the train, and remember that by and large we are a decent bunch. I was thinking the other day, that in this constant stream of insanity and violence, I’ve only actually ever seen three or four punches thrown in my life. That’s not bad going, (though perhaps a result of the enormous privileges I have experienced in life). But I did used to go out and get lashed A LOT. Come to think of it, that doesn’t include punches thrown at me, which have thankfully been on the decrease since non-uniform day 1996. And back then the broad assumption was that if you would insist on wearing a tie-dyed Metallica shirt to school you had to surrender certain rights relating to personal space and not being punched. Ah well! I promise this Vibemail will get jollier!

Members Present

He, His Venerable S’e’n, the Mighty and Irreproachable Lord High Johnny JR MP

PRESENT!

Thirst(y) Updates

Well there’s a picture I probably shouldn’t be sharing! Though it’s very similar to what you may have seen before, now rendered in all it’s final, signed-off glory by the fantastic Jem Ward. And it’s not the only thing that’s signed off. The words are signed off. The full stops are signed off. Adjustments to remove something called a “dangling modifier” are signed off. Even the problematic opening sentence has been tweaked and - you guessed it - S’d O. And then there’s the small issue of 4500 signed copies that have (almost) been signed off. I’ve got about four hundred left to go and you can pre-order one of these signed copies here!

SIGNED COPY - Waterstones

The book is out on the 7th May, which I know is still a fair whack away, but if you have ever wanted to contribute to the spread and enflourishment of #BrandRobins in any way, then pre-ordering the book is the best possible means by which to push forward my plans for world-domination / election as PM / getting booked on QI. I’m learning a lot about publishing, and as someone with an eye / ear / mouth / nose for detail, it turns out it’s all about the pre-orders BEBE! (Baby). You can also order from

AMAZON

HATCHARDS

FOYLES

And I daresay many, many more. You can also "pre-save” or “pre-buy” the audiobook (which I am recording next week!) on Spotify and Audible. If any of those links are problematic or do not align with your ethical preference, there is always the option to have a good old-fashioned Google. Many thanks for your support, sales are looking good and I’m incredibly humbled that there’s any interest at all, let alone PRE INTEREST.

Thirst Book Tour

Guests have been announced for the book tour as per below!

Book tours are slightly different beasts to stand-up, so I thought I would explain the format. Most of the events start at 7pm (London is 7.30pm I think). There will be two halves in which my guest host and I will talk about the book, read excerpts, and then take questions from the audience. Afterwards there will be a signing with an opportunity to buy the book but it’s also OK to bring your own copy if it has already arrived! You can also add the book to the cost of your ticket which gets you a small discount. There are a handful of tickets left for Liverpool and Manchester, and a couple of handfuls left for Edinburgh and Oxford. You can get them all here

THIRST Tickets

London Marathon

I have just this very morning run round a lake for 10k and got a medal for my troubles! (Everyone got one so that’s no boast, and is also a very POSITIVE VIBE). Everyone should get a medal for everything really. Save maybe javelin and peace prizes (general). Here I am looking pleased as a plum next to the lake I conquered.

And despite my ankle doing its absolute utmost to put a halt to proceedings I shall be running / walking / hobbling the TCS London Marathon on 26th April. If you’re coming down to watch do say hi! (very loudly, from behind the barrier). If you have enough warning of my impending passing, perhaps by tracking me on the app they provide, then suggested chants are

“GO ON JOHNNY JR! YOU CAN DO IT! AND WITH NO SMALL AMOUNT OF PANACHE!”

“KEEP GOING HANDSOME!”

“NETFLIX DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE MISSING!”

If you would like to sponsor me I am achingly close to my ambitious target of £42,000 for Standing Together Against Domestic Abuse, just 1% to go! You can contribute here

Sponsor me!

Whatever pain I end up being in on the day, it is nothing in comparison to the pain endured by women and children living in fear, panic and constant physical, emotional and financial danger from the scourge of domestic abuse. It has, far too frequently, been left to women to come up with solutions to a problem caused (almost) entirely by men. A problem that men could eradicate in one second flat by taking responsibility for their emotions and reactions. So if you could give even a quid I would be forever grateful. And enormous thanks to those of you who have already donated. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done, made entirely possible by you!

An Annoying Thing People Do

Isn’t it annoying when people on social media say they have exciting news but can’t tell you what it is yet? It always reveals them to be so desperate for attention, attention that is merely days away, but unable to control their desire for said attention even if it means telling you something which is, on reflection, entirely meaningless. So. With that in mind. I will not be doing that. Much. But. (Big but). Make sure you don’t unsubscribe from this mailing list in the next month. I might even suggest keeping an eye out for a future Vibemail. Probably the next one. Check your spam filters etc.

BRB

I’m off to meet dear Alex Horne for a coffee!

I’m Back!

Oh joy! I got myself in a right grump at the start of this Vibemail and a lovely walk with Alex Horne has put things right again. Maybe not in the world at large, I doubt our coffee and cake will trouble the headlines, but a reminder to myself to tend the soil of my sphere of influence and keep plugging away! So thank you for reading my plugs!

Robins Recs

In return for your patronage here are some albums I have enjoyed recently

Okonski - Entrance Music (superb jazz piano vibes in the realm of Bill Evans or Keith Jarrett)

Andrew Wasylyk - Irreparable Parables (Album of duets ft. Gruff Rhys, Stuart Murdoch and Field Music from a wonderful multi-instrumentalist)

36 & Zake - Stasis Sounds for Long-Distance Travel (Beyond chilled ambient / drone album that is like the background noise of a peaceful spaceship)

Mason Lindahl - Kissing Rosy in the Rain (Arresting, gloomy and melodic spanish guitar instrumentals from one of the best guitarists in the world - also, WHAT A TITLE!)

LOVE YOU BYE XXX

#HUMOUR

I have news, pics and our old friend links to add to your cargo, so splice the mainbrace, heave to the transom! Set course for Americay!

Members Present

The Rt Hon. Member for Contentsville & Common Sense North, His Sir Highness Lord Captain Johnny JR MP BSc (Hons)

Present!

THIRST: Book Tour - May 2026

Despite still being engaged in the active search for typos in the manuscript for Thirst, and struggling with a sentence that has proved so problematic that I’m going to ask for your opinion later, I am delighted to announce that next year, across the week of its publication, I will be appearing in conversation with various SOLID GOLD EGGS to discuss my book Thirst: Twelve Drinks That Changed My Life. The shows will be over two halves, with the first half taking the form of an interview / extract reading mash up bonanza, and the second half will contain yet more #HotChat and questions from the audience. I will then be signing copies after the show.

I’m pretty sure all shows start at 7pm and they will be finished by 9pm. Then the signing will commence soon after. I’ll do my best to sign as many books as possible but often venues have curfews to ensure staff can get home safely and we have to be mindful of that.

Tickets go on sale at 10am this Friday 12th December. Each venue has slightly different options ticket-wise as combining tickets with books is never straightforward, but there are options for tickets only, ticket + book, and a book add on for those who might want multiple tickets but one book etc.

All dates can be found here https://crosstownconcerts.seetickets.com/tour/john-robins

If there are problems with links / transactions / low availability please do not contact me directly but direct any queries to the relevant point of sale.

Guest hosts will be announced soon and I so look forward to seeing you there!

Thirst Pre-order

If you can’t make a live event or would just like to enjoy anecdotes about me crying on the toilet (and there are two of those) in the comfort of your own home, you can pre-order Thirst from

Waterstones (signed)

Waterstones (unsigned)

Amazon (unsigned)

Of course, you can also contact your local bookshop to place an order, and if the vitality of your local independent stores is important to you then I’d be hugely gladdened to know you are giving them your custom!

As a treat here is a picture of me with the proof copy that arrived today!

Problematic Sentence

Here’s your chance to have an influence on the very text of Thirst! But, unless you are a strict grammarian the following may hold little interest. There is a sentence in the book that has taken up an ungodly amount of my brain space over the last three months. I would have just let it be, however it is the first sentence in the entire book, so it something of an important one. I would really appreciate your instinctive response to a line which follows something shocking my doctor said to me…

[Quote from doctor]

On a very long list of things I was expecting my GP to say, this would have been the last.

Thank You! I’ll stop being mad now!

Problematic Merch

You may have heard me mention a slight strategic oversight on the podcast with Elis (the episode which goes out today actually). Long story short, I failed to appreciate just how tricky a proposition wearing the below T shirt in a non-Elis&John exclusive environment might be

This may go down as one of the great corporate foot-shooting incidents of all time, OR it may be the making of a viral craze that will take over TikTok, Instagram and BUZZFEED for years to come. Only time will tell. However, for now, the Potentially Strictly Limited Problematic Cymru Connection T Shirt is available from

https://elisandjohnmerch.com/

There is also the distinctly less creepy tour merch for those who were unable to purchase at the live shows or who simply want to commemorate a tour they had no intention of attending.

TCS London Marathon 2026

I am still running and raising money for Standing Together Against Domestic Abuse. My speed and distance PBs have dropped off somewhat but I’m still getting out three times a week to build some consistency. I often think about your generosity on my runs and it really does help enormously with motivation when the chips are down. You can sponsor me here

https://www.justgiving.com/page/johnrobins

Any Other Business

There’s not a great deal of other business I’m afraid. Elis and I put together an alternative Christmas playlist which is available on the greatest media platform known to man. We also chat a bit about the songs and you can find it here

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p0mjx70n

You can order a message of Christmas goodwill from me on Cameo here

https://www.cameo.com/johnrobins

Apologies that they are often turned off but sometimes I find it a bit overwhelming and have to have a break. That said, I do so enjoy making people smile with my lounge-based digital content!

I doubt I will be bothering your inboxes again before Christmas so I hope you have a grounded time. My top tip for getting through Christmas if you find it tricky, is to have one moment just for you at some point in December, just an experience that is protected from the various obligations of logistics and money and family situations that can be very trying. It can be as small as pausing to listen to a brass band play a favourite carol, or a scene of winter fog you stop to wonder at. Mark it in your mind as a moment of connection with something, and then keep it safe to use in times of strife or frustration. Here is one of mine, it’s not the best photo in the world but it’s not so much about that, (and one day I will finally admit that no iPhone has ever taken a decent photo of the sun.)

love you bye!

Members Present

Surgeon Master General and Accountant-In-Chief to His Majesty, The Rt Hon Johnny JR MP CVO, OBE, MA, FRCGP, FRCP

PRESENT!

THE TCS LONDON MARATHON 2026

I’ve just come back from a 23km run. Yes me! Johnny JR! Former Chief Constable of the Lash Police! Prior downer of pints and sobber-at-bars! Whilst an element of this is to undo some of the damage alcohol has wrought on my dopamine receptors / obtain prescriptions from the internal chemist and to give me a #SenseOfAchievement, I also want to use my new habit for good. So next year I will be running the TCS London Marathon for Standing Together Against Domestic Abuse.

I was in a lot of pain whilst running today, but also enjoying the freedom to do what I want and feel good in my body. Many hundreds of thousands of women and children, and some men too, do not have the luxury of doing what they dream of, or ending their pain by something as simple as stopping running and having a nice bath, because they live with the scourge of domestic abuse in all it’s many forms. I think of them often when running and will be thinking of them over the 26.2 miles / 42.195 km / c. 42,000 steps of my first marathon.

So it would be a great honour, if you have money to spend and the freedom to spend it as you chose, if you might sponsor me. Here is my JustGiving page

https://www.justgiving.com/page/johnrobins

I have set the rather ambitious target of £42,000 - one pound for every step. That way, when I am struggling with my personal Pain Cave, I can simply count my steps to focus on the enormous difference your donations will make to the lives of people who, let’s face it, live in hell. If I don’t reach this target all the money still goes to STADA, it just makes the maths of the run a bit more complicated!

You can find out more about STADA HERE

Thank you so much.

PALLADIUM AND OTHER SHOWS

Elis and I are really enjoying our tour, and every time we leave Elis says to himself “everyone who came tonight had a really great time” as a way of getting on top of his nerves and self-doubt, which is incredibly sweet and true!

We have been offered a date at The London Palladium and obviously said yes, pushing fears of hubris and empty seats to one side in order to experience such a historic venue. It’s on 21st October and will be the last date of the tour. Tickets are below!

https://lwtheatres.co.uk/whats-on/elis-john-that-feels-significant-live/

The remaining tour shows with tickets left are

SHEFFIELD 18th Sept

LEEDS 21st Sept

LIVERPOOL 24th Sept

LLANDUDNO 25th Sept

SWANSEA 9th Oct

PORTSMOUTH 16th Oct

Other shows will have holds released around two days before when Elis and my friends send texts to say they can’t be arsed to come.

Thirst: Twelve Drinks That Changed My Life

My book is still available to pre order, and due to your diligence and kindness in answering my call to pre-ordering action, has produced sales figures which have caught the attention of a few publishing #BigHitters. This is hugely helpful in getting it stocked in more shops, placed on tables, promoted on websites and all manner of things that will help people to find out about what I hope will be a very helpful read.

If you are inclined to reserve your copy and haven’t yet done so, links to Waterstones and Amazon are here

Waterstones (signed copy)

Waterstones (regular copy)

Amazon

If you see any books on Amazon which feature a clearly AI created image, title and synopsis of a book pertaining to be written by me, plot twist: they ain’t. The only book I have written over the last two years is called Thirst and has a picture of me swigging from a can of Harp in 1986 on the front. Like this!

ROBINS RECS

Two comedy Recs for you today!

Josie Long’s tour of her acclaimed show Now Is The Time Of Monsters. I cannot wait to see this show! Josie is one of the comedians who has had the most influence on me. Her warmth, passion and sublime writing always leaves me in awe of how good stand-up can be. You can find tickets to her show at

https://www.josielong.com/

TVs Mr Handsome Luke McQueen is playing The Soho Theatre in London with his show Comedian’s Comedian. All I know of Luke, and all I have heard about this show tell me it is UNMISSABLE GOLD. He’s a rare thing indeed - a unique comic voice. I do so hope it will tour more widely. Tickets are here

https://sohotheatre.com/events/luke-mcqueen-comedians-comedian/

That is all for today. So sorry for all the links.

I LOVE YOU

Members Present

His Royal Highness, Crown Prince and Shah to the Westerlands, The Right Sir Venerable Sir Lord Sir Dame Sir Captain Sir Johnny JR MP

Present!

THIRST

Over the past two years you may have heard me make veiled references to a book I am writing. I am delighted, relieved and absolutely fucking terrified to tell you that this book is now finished. And by “finished” I mean I read through it for the twenty first time and had to stop fiddling with it lest it never cease in its being fiddled with and remain forever as a digital stone gathering punctuation moss on my hard drive.

The book is called Thirst: Twelve Drinks That Changed My Life

Forgive me if I take this opportunity to briefly say what the book is, in the hope of seeing off bemused one-star givers and reddit thread naysayers before they part with their hard earned cash chasing a 95,000 word rollercoaster they were millimetres too short to ride.

Thirst is a book about alcohol, me and alcohol and me. If you are not hugely fussed by me, alcohol, or how I and alcohol have interacted over the years I would give it a swerve. If you are looking for a deep dive into the world of Elis and John then that book does exist and I think you will get a lot out of it! It’s called The Holy Vible and is, now that I’ve googled it, out of print (but available second hand.)

Caveat dispensed with here are some things it is about…

Friendship, memory, comedy, crying on the toilet (twice), childhood, the unquenchable thirst for father figures, shame, social media, poetry, pubs, fantasy, wanting to die, not wanting to die, therapy, The Great Gatsby, sobriety, rum, how Jon Richardson’s cooking ruined my life, scouts, Pulp, anxiety, Buddhism and haemorrhoids.

There is even a footnote about the time I threw up in Noel Edmonds’ toilet.

WHAT’S NOT TO LIKE?!

If any of those float your boat then hoist the jibbard to the swainside and set thy scopes to windward! Avast!

It’s not out for a fair old while but, ever the detailsman, pre-ordering is a huge help with various publishing milestones from having it rotated ninety degrees on the shelves in Waterstones (#FrontFacing) to scaling Richard Osman like peaks of global domination.

So if you like the sound of the book, and like the sound of me, then you can pre-order it using one of the links below. I am reliably informed that on Amazon there are mechanisms by which, if it changes price at all over the coming weeks, then you are guaranteed the lowest price by pre-ordering.

If Amazon isn’t your bag there are links to outlets with a broad spectrum of ethical approaches here

https://www.penguin.co.uk/books/465247/thirst-by-robins-john/9780241740040

And if you would like to guarantee a SIGNED COPY you can head to Waterstones here

https://www.waterstones.com/book/thirst/john-robins/2928377356323

I think these Vibemails are a good measure of its tone, if you have enjoyed reading them, then I think there are passages in Thirst which you’ll get a lot out of. And I think I’m willing to edge close enough to my own trumpet to say that there are chapters of Thirst where I feel I’ve been able to express exactly what I wanted to say, in exactly the way I wanted to say it. And you can’t ask more than that!

Do you want to see the cover?

OK!

There I am! A very early photoshoot. And I hope the book goes some way to matching both the ludicrous and troubling elements of that image.

It is funny by the way, and serious in places, and sad in others, and then funny again. Because I love you all so much and VALUE YOU as subscribers to The Vibemail, I will give you a little snippet from the introduction

What you are about to read are my memories, told through twelve drinks. Memories are imperfect documents, they are the stories we tell ourselves, a friend describing a photograph they saw in a dream. So trust them at your peril. And alcohol is an untrustworthy voice to narrate them. Alcohol is a Zelig, a mesmerist, a master in the art of telling you what you want to hear. So this is the story I tell myself, told to you. These twelve drinks speak for countless tens of thousands of drinks I have drunk in my life, and through them, and some alcohol-related interludes along the way, I am trying to discover what alcohol means. And alcohol means a lot. Why did it mean more to me than other people? Why did it mean I felt better? Why did it mean so many things went wrong? This is the story of what alcohol did for me, and what alcohol did to me.

On reflection that’s not the most GIGGLE-PACKED section I could have shared, but it’s not a bad description of what the book is about. So there you go. In sharing it with you my relationship with it ends, and yours begins. I do hope you find it interesting, funny and useful.

Should you wish to step into more banter-based waters then Elis and I begin our tour on Wednesday 3rd Sept this very week! And tickets to some dates are still available here.

https://elisandjohnmerch.com/

Holds are released each day for sold out shows so it’s worth giving the site a check if your nearest venue is sold out.

Robins Recs

I’m a Robins and I have recs! If you want to keep track of the songs I have liked then you can follow my playlist ‘Songs I Have Liked’ on Spotify (@john_robins)

Nathan Salsburg: Incredible acoustic guitarist. The first track off his new album Ipsa Corpora is absolutely out of this world. I have liked everything of his I have heard so far.

Okonski: Dreamy jazz / classical trio. The albums Entrance Music and Magnolia have been on heavy rotation during writing and crosswording.

If you want to listen to the two saddest songs released this year then look no further than Poor Creature’s cover of ‘Lorene’ and Cass McCombs’ ‘I Never Dream About Trains’. Absolute blub-fests!

Sam Evian: Premium is an amazing album from 2016. The song ‘Big Car’ is one of my finds of the year and the guitar solo reminds me of the one at the end of Cass McCombs’ ‘Sleeping Volcanoes’ and then I googled him and found out he was the engineer on that Cass McCombs album!

Sven Wunder: It’s hard to really describe this chap but the songs I like the most take Eastern European / Arabic scales and melodies and turn them into HEFTY PROG BANGERS. The albums Wabi Sabi and Eastern Flowers are good places to start. And then his album Late Again is the most perfect late night jazz. Aren’t some people CLEVER!

If you want to explore the ZamRock genre I mentioned on the show then there’s a great compilation of WITCH called We Intend To Cause Havoc and their new album SOGOLO is mind-blowing. Blackfoot have a song called ‘When It’s All Right’ which is like The Velvet Underground meets The Rolling Stones but from Zambia in 1976. (Not to be confused with the southern American rock band of the same name for whom I cannot vouch.) This algorithm wormhole also lead me to Mdou Moctar, a Nigerian guitarist who is kind of like if Jimi Hendrix had sung in Tamasheq in Black Sabbath in the west coast of Africa. A SPICY COMBO.

That’s enough for now…

LOVE YOU BYE!

I got a pretty catastrophic crick in my neck yesterday. Was I completing my 20th consecutive pull-up? Did I fall foul of “Lifter’s Tweak”? Was it 10k too long on the assault bike?! Alas no, in rather pathetic and humbling circumstances I effectively disabled myself whilst doing a big yawn. This is the worst neck crick I’ve ever had, quadrupling my blind spot. Twenty six hours on and it’s still wreaking havoc. Strange how often the most minor injuries cause us the most discomfort. And not just discomfort in the body, but how the mind rails also! The inner critical voice! “Why have you not done yoga twice a day for thirty years!”, “Why are you not fitter?!”, “Why did you not supplement your long haul flight with hourly shuttle runs and lunges down the aisle?!”, “Why, on a fitness journey of all things, is your body still fallible!”. Beneath this, as ever, is the arrogance of “Why do bad things happen to me when I’m doing my best?!” and, beneath this, the only fear some say we ever have: “I am ageing and I will die!”.

Morning!

So here he is. Back from Costa Rica with identical swipes of sunburn on his back like an angel who’s had a poolside prank played on him by the #Lads. Here is a photo of me, Luke and Lou kayaking to see monkeys and bats and CROCODILES. We are sat in order of handsomeness.

I’m not really much of a Long Haul Larry. My brain, ever keen on efficiency and error avoidance, does become somewhat overwhelmed when the regular checklist of “Keys, Wallet, Phone, Vape” is updated with an ever-changing merry-go-round of boarding passes, lockbox codes, ferry departures, check ins, seating plans, baggage allowance, gates opening, restaurants closing, hire car insurance and time zones. Luckily I was spending my holiday with three of the world’s leading chilled-out surfer dudes: Lou Sanders, Luke McQueen and Lucy Pearman. If, at times, my organising overspilled into some kind of military boot camp of barking out instructions and standing at the door harrumphing when it was time to leave, at least an apology was never far away and disaster was avoided. I do hope to one day let go of the efficiency drive and cling on to the friends. For now we will accept some form of balance where I both have a lovely time and get there on time.

On returning, jet lag danced its merry dance leading to multiple midnight Wordles and a fair whack of quiet hours alternating between the relaxing sound of my local owl and concern for a group of youngsters doing laughing gas in a nearby park. My annoyance at the late hour of their hi jinx somewhat diluted by relief that their shrieks and squawks came not from emergency or disaster, but from a kind of escapism playing out in a playground at 2am.

Oh those strange inter-years! Adult pursuits in childhood surrounds! Furnished with the paraphernalia of rebellion: weed, decanted vodka, lipstick and Lynx, but the doors to grown up places not yet open. And so whiteys are pulled by the ladybird bin, and early essays in snogging made on the rocket ship climbing frame. And maybe part of them, despite all their posturing, is not quite ready to leave the comfort of cartoon bugs and outer space.

Morning!

Anyway. Strap in for two completely contradictory Vibemail splurges and a tour plug.

How Do You Cope? - Bonnie “Prince” Billy Quote

I do hope you are enjoying the new series of How Do You Cope? We’re building up quite a library of incredible conversations and I’m really proud of how they’ve come out. Recent episodes feature Self Esteem, Gary Lightbody (of Snow Patrol), Rosie Jones and Professor Jason Arday. If you are interested by the videos I’ve posted on Instagram, please do subscribe to the actual podcast. I’m a bit concerned that the way in which we promote podcasts these days contributes to a habit whereby people only consume them via ninety second video clips, leaving the longer form discussion untouched. A bit like only reading the back cover of books. When podcasting is at its best, it gives us the chance to explore topics at a depth impossible on TV, or even radio. At its worst, of course, it’s thick white guys wanging on about freedom of speech like they haven’t just been speaking freely for three fucking hours.

LOL.

I wanted to share a quote from the episode with musician and hero Bonnie “Prince” Billy. I asked him why a lot of his music wasn’t on Spotify. His answer has stayed with me. It has made me reflect on how I consume things. It’s made me wonder whether, as modern technology increases efficiency, might it be removing some humanity? And how increasing ease and decreasing difficulty, may not be as nourishing an improvement as we are lead to believe. It is a long quote, for which I make no apology. And it’s edited only slightly for sense. That someone can just pull this kind of thing out of their mind on the spot just speaks to the incredible mind he has.

Here it is.

If your algorithm suggests AC/DC's cover of 'Baby Please Don't Go' and you think “I love this beat, I love this guitar part, I love these drums, I love the force and the drive and the timbre of this vocal delivery and the urgency of the vocal delivery so that's great, that's a good song for me algorithm thank you very much.” Not ever asking “why?”. Why is the timbre of that voice resonant to you? Why does it push you? Why does it move you?

It's like eating ultra-processed food - I like salty I like sour, and it's hitting all those things so I just ate a meal - and your gut eventually telling you, and your interactions with the world and yourself eventually telling you, you did not eat a meal. You did not eat the meal you thought you ate. You put things in your body that allowed you to move on with your day but it's tearing you apart, it's destroying you, it's eroding your experience of life...

It's the same with a musical experience. You can have the easy, button pushing experience that an algorithm might help you with, but, the first person to listen to that AC/DC song probably heard it on a radio played by a DJ. And the kind of human labour that it took to make that radio station active and existing and functioning, informed the position of the disc jockey in front of the microphone in prescribed hours that he or she is doing as a job and knows that he or she needs to relate to an audience and relate to his or her employers in the process of delivering music to a needing, hungry, appreciative audience.

If they want to hear the song again they have to make all these decisions about, well, do I listen to the radio because they'll probably play it again in an hour and a half because it's a hit song? Or I can save up my money and walk, bike, get a ride, drive, get my parents to drive me to a record store to see if they have the record? Talk to the record clerk, learn about other music while I'm doing it because AC/DC is there. In which section? Where alphabetically?...And you're flipping through and learning about other music in the record store. You're also probably hearing other music on the bus or in the car that's informing your appreciation of that music. You take it home, you put it on in a space. You've carved out a space in your room or in your living room where you're gonna put on this record. You've carved out time. You've made decision to carve out time. It wasn't like the algorithm just sort of hitting you with it, you've actually made a decision: I'm going to listen to the song that I heard that moves me. And all of these things make you a better person. And the algorithm is hitting all the right deeply ingrained subconscious markers that we've evolved to say that we need – which is human connection.

So an app has been created which mimics human connection and they call it Facebook or they call it Instagram – and it isn't human connection on almost any level except the most microscopic superficial level. It resembles human connection but it isn't human connection. And listening to music through a streaming app resembles listening to music but it isn't really listening to music in all of its incredible multidimensional ways that we've evolved to value the experience of listening to music, which is ultimately a sustaining human activity of communication and we think 'no, it's easy and it's entertainment', not realising that each time you listen to music you are checking in with all of humanity.

Every time I read this back, or listen to him speak it, I am reminded of the power of music in my early life. And I am reminded that the power of music in my early life was, on reflection, indistinguishable from the power of life itself. I am reminded of the many ways in which the effort needed to discover that music, effort that technology has now removed, is what made my pre-tech life so rewarding and interesting and full of coincidence and discovery.

I remember trips to Imperial Records in Bristol, and discovering the wild miscellany of Frank Zappa album covers that jumped out of the racks like images half-remembered from a dream. I remember bumping in to people and arranging to meet. I remember falling madly in love with the woman at the counter. I remember how much it mattered because I could only afford the bus fare and one CD and the bus took an hour and I had asked my friend to meet me there. I remember the chance discovery of gigs and bands and ‘scenes’ that came about through conversation and posters and groups huddled around speakers. I remember coming home with one £7.99 CD and heading to my room to listen to it in full, then taking it with me to a party I only knew about because someone I met through this music invited me.

And here I am, now, with all this fullness replaced by an app that tells me what I might like. The people are removed from the process, the chance and hardship and effort smoothed away. And only to deliver me music I might like. What about music I don’t like? When was the last time you sat and listened to an entire album you don’t like. How important might the things we don’t like be in shaping who we are? Might I extrapolate from this that a social media app that only shows me things I might like removes from me the vital human capacity to understand and engage with things I don’t like, to see other points of view, to empathise?

Just as I revel in the fact that the battery I ordered from Amazon yesterday evening HAS ALREADY ARRIVED (incredible). Might I also reflect on what that speed, that ease, has cost me? It has not only cost me the community of interactions in my local area which would have lead me to finding that battery in the real world. It has also cost my physical community the existence of shops that sell that battery at all. They’ve all gone now, replaced by endless fucking coffee shops, because hot coffee is one of the few things left that technology cannot deliver to our door.

I have shared this thought with a few (younger) people, and they have quite understandably retorted with some version of “This is a privilege talking! What about people who can’t afford to buy music? What about people who live a long way from their nearest town?”. These are people so young that they don’t remember a pre-tech life, a life that I (and Bonnie “Prince” Billy) lived. We couldn’t afford new music! We lived a long way from the nearest town! And we still believe overcoming those challenges had value. Having a long way to travel to the nearest town was a good thing! It took you out of your house! Elis used to charter minibuses from rural Carmarthen in order that he and fellow fans could see Gorkys Zygotic Mynci in the pubs and venues all around Wales. It was an enormous ball ache that had to be saved up for and paid with pocket money and summer jobs and sweat and punctures on the hard shoulder, but you could not wrestle that experience or those memories from him with a cattle prod.

I guess what Bonnie “Prince” Billy is trying to say is that he has lived both lives and is suggesting that maybe within the difficulty and cost, be it financial cost or time cost or energy cost, lay more nourishing experiences.

Because, increasingly, when all difficulty is removed, when my shopping arrives in my porch, when my meal arrives cooked at my door, when my music is streamed to my bedroom, when I no longer have to visit the cinema, or the theatre, or the shop or the library, when AI thinks and researches on my behalf - when all the trouble has been removed it is worth asking "what else has been removed?”

Might a future in which all difficulty is removed result in the very present problem of Hikikomori, not just in Japan but increasingly elsewhere, a phenomenon in which younger people do not leave their rooms for months, even years at a time, because, in part, they no longer need to.

You may well say “old man yells at cloud” (or, perhaps more accurately, old man yells at The Cloud). And the last thing I’d want was to place myself alongside those people who run Facebook groups sharing memes about how it was better in the 70s when you had Salt ‘n’ Shake crisps and everyone was racist. But I worry for those kids doing laughing gas in the park at 2am. Not just because of the laughing gas but because of the future they will find themselves in where essential human interaction is removed for their convenience.

Anyway, long story short: don’t people spend a lot of time on their phones these days?!

Some Recommendations From Spotify

MEGALOL ALERT.

Yes the old man is lapping up his next day batteries and algorithmed playlists. The above tract doesn’t mean I’m throwing all my toys out of the pram, just a little more conscious of the sky above my pram that the toys are distracting me from (he says, sat at his laptop for three hours on a perfectly beautiful summers day).

Who knows, without Spotify maybe I would have been introduced to the below by some impossible girl on an impossible night back in the 90s when things were better because there were only four channels and people didn’t complain when they died in horrific industrial accidents.

Following their exposure to John’s Problematic Walk-In Playlist at the most recent Dancing With Dave event in Manchester, some people have asked me to share said playlist. Because of the wonderful power of technology this is possible without me having to burn you all CDs or photocopy handwritten lists which would no doubt have enriched our lives beyond imagination.

So if you go on Spotify my profile is “@john_robins” and you can find the problematic playlist there. It’s “problematic” because the songs are ones I like that aren’t suitable for a disco (not Dave’s kind of disco anyway), and not because they are politically or culturally problematic in any way (I hope).

I am quite unsure of what my Spotify profile looks like to a user other than myself and also don’t fully understand how Spotify works as a sharing platform, so please let me know if I’ve somehow uploaded my iPhone’s “hidden” folder or my national insurance number. Also, should Spotify change and make the mistake all apps inevitably make in trying to become a one stop shop for all human interaction, please don’t message me on there or add me to things or request collaborations as that will stress me out and spoil the thing that Bonnie “Prince” Billy’s wise words have already par-spoiled. [smiley winky face].

(I hope that doesn’t sound mean-spirited or ungrateful. I just fear everything will one day turn into #AnotherBloodyWhatsappGroup and it’s nice to protect your notification free corners!)

Also on there are a couple of other playlists, one called ‘Songs I Liked’. These are all the songs I have ever liked on Spotify, painstakingly copied from the ‘Liked Songs’ playlist which, bafflingly, you can’t make public. There’s a playlist of ambient music I use for mediation and chilling (general). It’s also nice to go to sleep to. There’s a Kora playlist of Malian and Malian-inspired Kora music which I find supremely graceful and moving.

I’m not sure what else is on there but do check out Cameron Winter’s new album Heavy Metal, the incredibly eclectic releases of Phil Cook, and a new interest of mine ‘Zamrock’. Zamrock grew out of Zambia in the early 70s following its declaration of independence. To promote Zambian culture 95% of all music on the radio had to be made by Zambian artists, and because all the Western music they listened to was the likes of Cream, The Rolling Stones, The Doors etc, the result was an amazing new genre of African-infused psychodelic rock music. Its popularity increased with the price of Zambian copper, as rising prosperity made electric guitars affordable to budding musicians. When the copper price fell, and the AIDS epidemic hit in the early 80s, the movement sadly petered out. I was only made aware of these new / old sounds because one of the leading proponents - a band called WITCH - recently reformed and signed to Cameron Winter’s label Partisan Records. I heard them via algorithms and instastories which it would now seem both ruin and enrich my life.

OH WELL.

Elis and John Live

Sales for this autumn’s tour have plateaued at a pleasingly high level. However, tickets are still available for Glasgow, Sheffield, Leeds, Liverpool, Llandudno, Swansea and Portsmouth. Some holds will be released for other venues in the coming days. Links to all and sundry are here

https://elisandjohnmerch.com/

Love you to death!

J

This is a short Vibemail to focus on one specific string currently twanging away on the Robins bow, so do forgive the lack of usual pleasantries. I need to alert you to a podcast and then GET THE HELL OUTSIDE.

How Do You Cope? Ft. Amanda Knox

The seventh instalment of How Do You Cope? drops today. I am so pleased with how the show is being received. So far I have spoken to Justin Hawkins, Jordan Stephens, Sophie Willan, Tuppence Middleton, Matt Forde and Joe Wix. Each of these conversations, covering everything from drug addiction, childhood trauma, growing up in care, OCD, ADHD and cancer (there are cheerier moments than you may currently be thinking!) are now available wherever you get your podcasts! Various links to Apple and Spotify are available here https://podfollow.com/how-do-you-cope/view

The reason I am emailing you today is not just to remind you of the new incarnation of this podcast, but to give you a heads up about today’s episode in which I interview Amanda Knox. Here is a little clip

I am highlighting this episode especially for an, I hope rare, moment of self-trumpetising. I think it’s the best thing I’ve ever made. Amanda’s story is an enormously troubling one, and one I was very nervous of speaking to her about. She has faced appalling prejudice, misogyny and injustice in her life, and I was extremely conscious of not exposing her to more of the same whilst also aware that her traumatic experiences began when someone else, Meredith Kercher, underwent the ultimate trauma after she was assaulted and murdered by Rudy Guede.

However, the resulting conversation, entirely down to Amanda’s remarkable ability to articulate her experience in a way that is wise, humane and incredibly *helpful*, is an artefact of which I am very proud. I do hope you enjoy it too.

The Telegraph reviewed the episode and I was moved by how generous it was. I would like to share a link to that review. For those who have a subscription to The Telegraph you can read it here https://www.telegraph.co.uk/tv/0/radio-column1/ and for those of you without one here is an archive link which I have no idea of the legality of sharing so will abide by the motto of wilful ignorance “ask forgiveness not permission” https://archive.ph/o664O

If you find any of these podcasts useful as you traverse the less sunny moments of life then please do leave a positive review, it helps with various algorithms I don’t understand recommending it to other people.

Elis and John Tour

Tickets still remain for this autumns Elis and John and Dave tour in some key battleground states. You can find links to all tickets here

https://elisandjohnmerch.com/

Lots of love to you all! Run to the sun!

J

Regular listeners to Elis and John will know I’ve moaned about getting some kind of lunch-related blues, whereby after eating my trademarked Megasalad© or equivalent (GloboSoup© OmniCrisps© InfiniSandwich©) I find myself in something of an emotional pit. Despite reading some intriguing but potentially irrelevant graphs about glucose spikes, I’m none the wiser in my quest for emotional perfection, and have just had to settle for accepting that some afternoons I get very down. I have two patented aces up my sleeve for when this happens: Shame Yoga© and Lying In Bed For Hours And Hoping It Goes Away©. Whilst folding and unfolding with the breath does provide better results, I’m afraid to say that today I have opted for the latter. So I come to you from bed on a Sunday afternoon with exciting info to share but feeling like a rock solid lump who just wants the storm to pass.

And pass it will! Godspeed that passing!

So, down to business!

All New How Do You Cope?

Brought to you, by Wondery. (In my very best Alan Partridge voice)

Yes! Oh the irony! The in bed lump man has a new mental health podcast! (Well, a nearly new mental health podcast.)

Because I am tremendously hard work you may have heard me whining about not being able to plug non-BBC projects on The Elis and John show. This is not JUST because I’m a grumpy little prince who wants his porridge just right, but also because it does give rise to a rather frustrating narrative that I don’t actually do anything else save spend all day in bed feeling bored and/or gloomy (ok ok today’s not the best example). Whereas for the past couple of months I have been diligently researching and interviewing some wonderful people about how they cope when life deals them unexpected cards for a game they haven’t played before.

BEING SILENCED BY MAINSTREAM MEDIA is also annoying because I want to tell people all about a podcast which I think is genuinely helpful. So I am grateful for this newsletter and having something resembling a rooftop from which to shout about it*.

The new iteration will be available everywhere and is being made by Audio Always for Wondery. The first episode is with Justin Hawkins of The Darkness and it drops on the 24th February. You can see a little trailer for it right here! I’m sure you can agree I look really chilled and natural and not at all like I’m concentrating really hard on an autocue.

It’s just Johnny JR on the new show as Elis, God love him, has c. 48 podcasts at time of going to press and also a Welsh-Language Stand-Up special that I’m reliably informed is a *superb* read. I’ve recorded half a dozen interviews so far and there are already many moments that I’m very proud of. Credit, as always, must go to my incredible guests for their candour and insight. And both the Audio Always team and the folks at Wondery have really given their all (including literal hours of steaming studio curtains with an inferior hand steamer) in order to make these podcasts happen with as pleasant a set of curtains as was humanly possible.

Today is announcement day and then on the 24th it will be coming online at slightly different times depending on your podcast platform of choice but there are links to follow for when we start releasing them here

https://wondery.com/shows/how-do-you-cope/

It would be fantastic to hit the ground running so if you could subscribe wherever you get your podcasts that would give us the biggest chance of reaching the most people. And if you like what you hear do leave us a review or a like wherever possible.

*Farewell Fascist Platform

Over the years I have discussed and even shared with you on here a rotating bag of gripes, frustrations and amusing thoughts about social media. Whether it’s updates to software that leave me shouting “WHY DO THINGS HAVE TO CHANGE!” or bewildered reflections on algorithms that recommend me reels of women with large chests explaining things to camera whilst walking faster than a stroll but slower than a jog. Throughout all those low-level annoyances I’ve always felt tied to social media because it allows me such an efficient way of communicating about new projects and providing links to tickets and things that I think you might be interested in.

Well it turns out the fastness of those ties does have a limit and that limit, as I’ve always suspected, was promoting fascism, hate speech, misogyny, racism, transphobia and homophobia. And not just promoting it, but, due to the way these platforms operate, being part of a digital ecosystem that results in me inadvertently funding it myself.

Regardless of what you may think about me as a man, podcaster or comedian, at the very least I do hope you would say “That Johnny JR, I tell you what, he doesn’t fund fascism, hate speech, misogyny, racism, transphobia and homophobia”. But I’m increasingly aware that by simply being on Twitter / X, I am part of a machine that funds and promotes those things. So it has now been removed from my tool kit of rooftop shouting.

This is a very verbose way of saying I’m no longer on Twitter. Nor will I ever be again. The main reason I haven’t slunk out slowly into the night is to emphasise most vehemently that if anyone, for whatever sordid or seemingly innocuous reason, contacts you on Twitter pretending to be me, looking just like me, or even, somehow, replicating my award-winning turn of phrase, IT IS NOT ME.

It was a great relief to delete it and play no further part in that dangerous plaything of the rich and hateful. I felt a small part of a defiant haemorrhaging! Long may it continue!

The last thing I read was a tweet from Kanye West’s appalling volley of offensive hate speech. I’m repeating it here because I think it unintentionally provides some insight into the dystopian version of masculinity which I have no doubt will one day finally do for us all. He wrote

I’M LETTING EVERYTHING OUT BUT MY TEARS

Is there a better description of why people (men) in power go so horribly horribly wrong? Out with the tears guys! Maybe then we can all get on with our lives. Anyway, perhaps lying in bed like a lump isn’t such a bad coping mechanism after all.

ELIS & JOHN & DAVE LIVE!

Yes! Tickets are still available for SOME of the dates for the upcoming That Feels Significant: Live! Tour. You can get them here

https://elisandjohnmerch.com/

And please please remember, if it’s showing as sold out, check both the direct venue links (above) and also the Ticketmaster links here.

Any Other Business

If you haven’t heard the debut album by Daryl Johns then I suggest you listen to it now. I’ve not been so blown away by an album for decades and I hope he is going to continue to make music for the rest of my life. I’m assuming he’s young and so has more than enough time left for that.

I’m still writing a book which I can’t talk about on the BBC. I hope you like it when it comes out in about a years time. Writing it is very challenging, and may play a small part in these afternoon mood-plummets. But there are also already passages that I can point to and say “That’s it! That’s what I mean!”, which is very pleasing.

The dear Lou Sanders is shortly about to go on tour, and as not only a stalwart Johnny JR apologist, but also a joyful stand-up in her own right, it would be remiss of me not to provide a link to tickets. Here they are! Lou has also bowed to my near constant pressure and joined Cameo, so you can get your very own message from the brightest ray of sunshine in the dawn. And due to kindly using my referral code if she films just one million cameos this year then I can retire from my 5% commission. Godspeed those million cameos!

That is all. Crikey I hope it warms up soon.

John

Subscribe now

Ah…

Yes, about that, sorry for all the shenanigans on your lawn just now, I did knock at the door but no one answered. I’m afraid despite extensive progress with the old bum recovery I have perhaps been a little to hasty with the reintroduction of hot sauce(s) to the diet and I’m quite keen to get back into bed so I will keep this as brief as poss.

There is no escaping the fact that a lot of the following is concerned with the brazen hawking of various wares, so if funds are limited and cupboards are bare in the most financially pressurised time of the year please do not hesitate to slam the old door in my face and preserve your £quid for more pressing pantry staples. My favourite things to bulk buy are capers (why oh why are the jars so SMALL?!), soup (I’ll pay full price for canned soup WHEN I’M DEAD) and anchovies (will someone please invent a new way to house anchovies! The flat cans are too leaky to store and the jars ARE TOO THIN AND FIDDLY TO EXTRACT THE ANCHOVIES FROM). Will the torment never end?!

Members Present

His Distinct and Most Venerated Magister to The Lord High Admiralty and Sovereign Realms Sir Johnny John “JR” Robins Jr

Present!

John and Loulie’s New Year’s Eve Eve Stream-A-Doodle-Dandy!

Wait WHAT?! Oh HELL YEAH! The two shiniest buns in the bakery are being delivered piping hot direct to your living rooms, kitchens and bedrooms this New Year’s Eve Eve. John and Loulie present their New Year’s Eve Eve Stream-A-Doodle-Dandy! (patent pending)

For those of you who haven’t taken part in a New Year’s Eve Eve stream before, it’s somewhere between 60-90 mins of pure online content. When we first did it, Elis and I broke the mould and set the trend for lockdown streams by being the first people to broadcast a complex mix of humour, interviews and half an hour of audio feedback which took ages to fix.

Four years on, advances in technology and more expensive headphones mean we’ve got it down to a fine art. This year Elis is absent but taking his place is my favourite New Years Eve Eve fairy Lou Sanders! We’ve already had an online brainstorm session and I have to say Lou is an IDEAS MACHINE. If, however, any of her ideas make it to the actual stream I would be GOBSMACKED. ‘How to stay warm in the credit crunch?’ was one such pearl. However I can’t remember the rest for laughing.

We will be manifesting your hopes and dreams for 2025 so email them in to johnandlou@plosive.co.uk if you want that hunk to finally darken your door / your friend to BACS you £10Quid / world peace.

Join us at 8pm on Monday 30th December by purchasing a ticket from my Bandcamp page here. Tickets are £8 and a pound from each goes to the fantastic charity Standing Together Against Domestic Abuse.

Please note, you can watch on demand for up to 48 hours after the stream ends, but in order to do this you must buy a ticket before the show. Tickets will not be available for purchase after the event!

Cameo-Ho-Ho

Despite currently being limited to the amount of live comedy I can perform in the regions (zero, thanks to the old bum). I am ready, willing and able to sit for between two to four mins (once seven and a half mins) to record Christmas greetings, congratulations, birthday wishes, pep talks, wisdom transfers and good luck bonanzas to your nearest and dearest via digital messaging platform Cameo. This is another invention born out of the mother of necessity during lockdown. I genuinely love doing them and am so glad they are able to add a little slice of Robins to your special occasion / unwanted relationship advice on her special day.

If you don’t believe me just read my reviews which feature phrases like “genuinely touched”, “awesome video” and “unplanned coughing fit”.

Please note I’m not available in the app because Apple charge you an extra %25 as an ‘in app purchase’ which is pretty roguish, so book me direct from the website here www.cameo.com/johnrobins.

Please also note that Cameo gives a seven day window to record, so if you request 2 or 3 days before the big day I may not get it to you in time. I hate lateness and will do my utmost but it’s just not possible to guarantee delivery in under a week. If you are #DespoToImpressbo there is the option for 24hr delivery for a few extra £quid / $dollars. This is especially relevant at this time of year as, despite my petition for the UK government to delay Christmas to accommodate my Cameo schedule, they refuse to see sense. So if your message is for Christmas please don’t leave it til Christmas Eve or even Christmas Eve Eve as I will be busy wrapping presents very badly and swearing at myself. And no one wants to see that.

That Feels Significant: LIVE!

Thank You to everyone who bought tickets to what many in the press are calling the most significant cultural event of 2025! Here are the dates again

Shows that have sold out are Norwich, Cardiff, Edinburgh and Birmingham. Manchester and London are very close to selling out and may have done by the time you read this. Remember to check both Ticketmaster’s allocation (available here) and individual venue websites which are all listed at elisandjohnmerch.com. Very limited holds will be released closer to the dates but we’re talking literally 10-20 tickets per show depending on how many friends / lovers / Mastermans want to nab a place on the guest list. Please try to resist the temptation to contact Elis and I directly for tickets, unless, of course, you are an existing friend or lover or Masterman.

HOWL

If you’re struggling to think of the perfect gift this Christmas, then why not get someone the greatest gift of all - an audio recording of a troubled man grappling with alcoholism and sobriety. Happy Christmas Grandma! If this fits the bill then 101 mins of Mp4ection (Mp4 Perfection) await. You can even listen to the introduction here as a little treat. The link to buy is johnrobins.bandcamp.com

A few people have asked if Howl is available to watch anywhere. I’m afraid it’s not, nor ever will be! There are three main reasons for this, firstly I like audio as a way of consuming comedy. I think it’s really intimate and better replicates the experience of being at the show than loads of jump-cuts making it look like you’re watching from seven different rows and keep hopping about between them. I was in the edit for The Darkness Of Robins (still not available / still don’t own it) and it was an absolute nightmare to get it looking less like an editing world record attempt and more like a comedy show, though I think we (by we I mean a much more talented man that I watched tapping various keys) did a decent job. Some comedians have come up with creative ways to film and edit stand up making it feel more akin to being there in the room, Daniel Kitson, James Acaster and Captain Grumpy’s Comedy Vehicle are some good examples.

Secondly, it took me so long to pluck up the courage to listen back to it that if I had given my inner critic the added ammunition of MY FACE AND BODY to deal with I very much doubt it would ever have seen the light of day.

Finally, and perhaps most compellingly, when I looked in to the prospect of filming it I was quoted forty grand.

I Am Grateful

I thought I’d end on a nice note. After a reassuring chat with a surgeon where he put various things up my bum and declared it well on the way to being one of the BEST BUMS IN EUROPE I am hopefully coming towards the end of what has been an unexpectedly long and painful period. Far longer and more painful THAN THE WEBSITE SUGGESTED TO BE FAIR. But anyway, let’s not add the second arrow of suing under The Trade Descriptions Act to the more pressing first arrow of bum pain.

If you haven’t heard me wang on about it before, the second arrow is a Buddhist parable where the Buddha says to a student

In life, we can’t always control the first arrow. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first. This second arrow is optional.

One thing I’ve learned is that removing second arrows (and third and forth and fifth tbf) is absolutely critical to maintaining good mental health when in the storm of adversity. This is especially true when we’re ill, in pain, people let us down or things don’t go according to plan. As a (perhaps less likely) saying might go

The man in excruciating bum pain is happier than the man in excruciating bum pain who’s annoyed that the surgeon hasn’t replied to his email yet

No doubt this has been expressed in lots of ways over the centuries, not least in The Serenity Prayer of Alcoholics Anonymous. I can’t change the first arrow, I can change the second.

Something I have found very useful in the arrow removal process is gratitude. I have mentioned recently on air with Elis (listen on BBC sounds here) that every night I list ten things I am grateful for before I go to sleep. I do it in the mornings too if I wake up feeling glum, or begin the day speaking to myself in a negative way. And increasingly I will jump to doing it in moments of frustration or despair throughout the day. By keeping this up I have found it not only to become a more automatic response to adversity, but it slowly grows into lifting my general mood somewhat. It’s like there’s a base layer of gratitude forming beneath my feet.

I went to see my favourite musician Bonnie “Prince” Billy last week, a rare outing in an otherwise pretty barren and isolated recovery.

(If you’re interested I would recommend his albums Viva Last Blues, Joya, Arise Therefore, I See A Darkness, Ease Down The Road, Lost Blues and Other Songs, The Wondershow Of The World, Superwolf, The Letting Go)

I’ve seen him about twenty times in my life but never have I seen him talk quite so much on stage as he did at Rough Trade East. He spoke about suffering and it effected me deeply. I won’t be able to do justice to his words here, but, in short, he said how people, Christians specifically I imagine - but I guess all of us in a broader cultural sense - place a lot of importance on the story of a man taking on our suffering. An act of sacrifice for our salvation.

And yet, he continued, we should be mindful that this very act is happening all over the world right now. In a very real way people in the most diabolical situations are taking on our suffering.

He suggested that we owe it to those who are suffering in the world to enjoy the things that they would wish for themselves - a bed, a hot bath, a night out, a meal. These are not unreasonable demands, they are human rights and necessities, which many go without. I want to distinguish this from the more aggressive direction to ‘cheer up because other people have it worse’, I don’t find that works at all. But more an invocation to use gratitude as a small moment of recognition, a form of tribute to those who suffer so that we might have comfort.

Have you ever lambasted yourself for “wasting a day lounging around doing nothing?”. I say have your day of scrolling or thinking or browsing and use it as you like! Comfort is a great luxury, we should allow ourselves to enjoy it. As I was howling away in and around the toilet for some time, I was able to remove an arrow or two by being mindful of the people who work for water companies, going down sewers and pipes and out in the rain fixing leaks so that I could have my hot bath, and ensuring that, if going to the loo was going to register a 9.5 on the pain scale, at least I didn’t have to be around the product of that pain for very long.

After the show someone asked if I would like to meet Bonnie “Prince” Billy. I am grateful for that. We spoke for ten minutes or so and he asked about my work. I am grateful for that. He signed my posters and gave me a cookie. I am grateful for that. With all of this in mind, and thinking about how his music has meant so much to me for twenty five years, I was overcome to get home and find he had signed my poster “John, I am grateful”.

I am immensely grateful to have your support for whatever projects of mine that you enjoy. It means a great deal.

I hope your Christmases provide some moments of comfort. I hope that, if you find Christmas a tricky time, if families are complex or annoying or absent in any way, that you are able to carve out a small space just for you. If the day itself is a frustration of other peoples habits and demands, or a logistical ball-ache, then do not feel shy of creating a Christmas moment all of your own. It can be any time you like, even in the barren swathes of January! And here’s to keeping going in 2025.

.

Regular listeners to the show will be well aware, perhaps more aware than they’d like, of my (spooky) intimate bum procedure. I’m not going to burden you with yet more radio-friendly descriptions of my day to day experiences, nor am I going to suggest that pain is in any way a competition, but I will say that the last four weeks have been amongst the worst of my life. Things are on the turn, and progress is being made, pain has now turned to discomfort, for which I am grateful.

I have something to say about pain, how it changes us, how it forces us to change, and, perhaps, how in an instant reveals the futile mechanisms behind the trick we spend so much time playing on ourselves: that we are masterful and modern and cool and immortal. But that is for another time, I have Elis’ voice in my head saying “Keep it light John! Just give them the ticket links and chill out!”. So here we go!

Members Present

Postmaster Johnny “JR” Robins-Robins III

Present!

That Feels Significant - LIVE!

Tickets for the tour go on sale at 10am today (if all the venues have successfully pressed the right button). If anyone has not pressed the right button please resist the temptation to contact me on social media in ALL CAPS, because, alas, I do not have access to the button!

All links for tickets will be available from our merch site at 10am today

elisandjohnmerch.com

In the unlikely event that this link crumbles under the pressure of repeated clicking from the nations most relevant and sexy fanbase, then individual links are below. However there is also some cool new merch available from the above site should you want to display your solidarity with Stansbie to those you love this Christmas!

September

3rd Norwich Tickets

4th Bristol Tickets

6th Cardiff Tickets

11th Glasgow Tickets

12th Manchester Tickets

13th York Tickets

17th Cambridge Tickets

18th Sheffield Tickets

21st Leeds Tickets

24th Liverpool Tickets

25th Llandudno Tickets

27th Oxford Tickets

October

2nd Newcastle Tickets

3rd Edinburgh Tickets

8th Birmingham Tickets

9th Swansea Tickets

12th Brighton Tickets

15th London Tickets

16th Portsmouth Tickets

18th Reading Tickets

If you enjoy the design of our poster, or of our podcast imagery, or of The Moon Under Water for that matter, then check out the website of Jem Ward, our incredible graphic designer. He. Just. Gets. It.

We are so excited to perform for you! And, I daresay, interact with some of you as part of the kind of seat-of-the-pants riffing that you can only truly replicate in the live setting. We don’t tour together anywhere nearly as often as we would like, and, ever since we first set foot on stage together in 2016(?) to perform those early Robins Amongst The Pigeons shows, performing for you has been the highlight of our careers. So I hope you will forgive me the following plea…

At heart Elis and I are fans. We are obsessive fans of things - music, sport, writers, films etc. So we are enormously conscious of making the fan experience as simple, straightforward, fair and affordable as possible. We both know the desperation felt when announcements are made by our favourite artists and we know the head-banging panic that ensues when it feels like we might be missing out. Trust me when I say that I have pushed every tour promoter I have worked with to the limits of their patience by interrogating this process with a level of #FanFirstThinking they have never come across before, and hope never to come across again.

So, we are very aware that we are not playing every town and city in the UK. If there were the time, and, crucially, demand, then no doubt we would. We’re also aware that no process of making tickets available to large amounts of people in multiple venues at the same time is ever entirely equitable, smooth, or free of annoying fees. I do my absolute best to communicate timelines, links and general info in the most clear and accurate way. So it would be much appreciated if, on days when announcements are made, which trust me are incredibly stressful anyway, if people could think before sending narky, angry, critical or stressed DMs to Elis and me. We love your passion, it means the world to us, and we do really appreciate heads ups about genuine technical faults, which are relayed to people able to sort such things out. However, amongst the hundred or so panicked messages I received during the pre-sale on Wednesday, not one of the queries hadn’t been covered in the communications I had made here and on social media. So if you think something has gone wrong please do take a breath and re read the information in as chilled a vibe as you can muster. Waiting is almost always the best solution. If, however, “Cymru” is misspelled “Cmyru” on all promotional material do feel free to point that out in an orderly manner ;-)

That’s all in terms of pressing news. But I do have some far more talented people who’s work I have enjoyed and would like to take this opportunity to plug. So read on if you have a book, comedy, podcast or music-shaped hole in your life at the moment.

Robins Recommends…

Despite being laid up for the past four weeks I’ve not taken the opportunity to get through the entire canon of English literature as I had planned. However, I am really enjoying Rebecca Watson’s most recent novel I Will Crash. The way she has physically laid out the text enables her to communicate the experience of an interior monologue in such an interesting way, and not just what an interior monologue sounds like, but what it feels like and how it interacts with the conversations we are having out loud. Just as in her previous novel Little Scratch, every so often you stumble in reading, need to re-read a sentence, work out what way round it goes, often realising that the sentences work differently depending on which way round you read them, very much like thoughts. Reading I Will Crash is like thinking. It’s no small feat to represent the experience of human thought in new way, so do check it out. One of her great talents is to do this without making the story impenetrable or complex. It’s an absolute ripsnorter! And I recommend both books without reservation.

Another book I’ve enjoyed is Octavia Bright’s This Ragged Grace, a memoir about recovery from alcoholism which I found incredibly helpful. It gets to grips with the spiritual, philosophical and psychological changes entirely necessary in order to make life without alcohol more bearable than life with alcohol. These changes are not easy, they are hard fought, often incredibly uncomfortable and can take a great deal of time. In fact, some of the most profound moments of understanding come to Octavia after some years of sobriety, which, as someone who still tussles with thoughts of drinking over two years since my last, I found both reassuring and blessedly hopeful. It would make a super double bill with The Outrun, Amy Liptrot’s beautiful and overwhelming memoir of her own recovery. You may have seen the film version recently.

I’m indebted to Octavia Bright for introducing me to the life and work of Simone Weil and the imposing Gravity and Grace which I have only just started but am underlining like mad which is a very good sign. Through it I am learning to “embrace the void”, which I am finding far more effective than ignoring it, avoiding it or swearing at it.

The Body Keeps The Score is a book I have mentioned on the podcast a few times. If trauma is your thing then it is life-changing stuff. However a hefty trigger warning for pretty much everything you can imagine, it is very full on in places. However the insight into the impact emotional trauma has on the brain and body is absolutely incredible.

The dear Lou Sanders is on tour as discussed. I spoke to her on the phone today and WE HAD A RIGHT GIGGLE. I’d love nothing more than to include her personal number so that you too could share the enjoyment of her wit, wisdom and kindness. However after taking legal advice I will simply provide you with a link to tickets for her show No Kissing In The Bingo Hall!

I recently saw Cassandra Jenkins at Earth in Hackney and despite my bum baulking at the seat-free seating arrangement there, hearing songs from her new album My Light, My Destroyer and An Overview On Phenomenal Nature was really special. ‘Michelangelo’ and ‘Crosshairs’ from the latter are amongst my most played songs of the last two years.

The Lovely Robin has a new monthly podcast called The Allender Calendar (Link on Apple Podcasts here). In it, he interviews a different artist about their work, process and interests. It’s so rewarding to hear people talk about being creative without feeling the weight of some hulking commercial juggernaut behind the conversation. The Lovely Robin is as insightful, sensitive and generous on air as he is in life. I’d also recommend the book The Voice In My Ear which Robin discusses with its author Frances Leviston in the second episode. It’s a brilliant novel (or is it a collection of short stories?! Listen to find out!) which centres around a variety of characters all called Claire. She explores scenarios where communication between people is difficult, fragmented, impossible or bizarre. Well worth reading I say. It would make a great double bill with My Phantoms by Gwendoline Riley, which is the best book I’ve read (and re read) in years. It’s a subtle, brutal and superbly observed exploration of a woman’s inability to communicate with her mother. And does beg the question I’m sure a lot of us ask when talking to our parents “Why can I never say what I actually mean?!…And do I even want to?!”

Other than that it’s mainly been cryptic crosswords, Keith Jarrett and tortuous bowel movements. Check out After The Fall, ‘Hourglass Part 2’ and Belonging for some truly transcendent experiences. (These are Keith Jarrett albums, not bowel movements).

LOVE YOU FOREVER WITH ALL MY HEART

BYE

ELIS AND JOHN AND DAVE TOUR 2025

That’s right! You heard it here first! We’re hitting the road in 2025 to share japes and banter and Dave’s and games and mad dads and all manner of theatre-friendly swear words.

Because nothing can be simple THESE DAYS please listen carefully to these facts

Tickets go on general sale this Friday 29th November at 10am. They will be available via elisandjohnmerch.com.

There will be a pre-sale via Ticketmaster from this Wednesday 27th November at 10am and these tickets will be available via this link TICKETMASTER.

You need this link in order to buy tickets from the pre-sale. As this is a ‘closed pre sale’ it is not available via Googling, Binging or Duck Duck Going (because YOU MATTER and we don’t want any old Johnny-Come-Via-The-Internet ruining all the fun). So click and copy and paste to your hearts delight!

Individual venues may also be doing pre-sales from Weds at 10am via their own mailing lists / members areas but it would be wildly confusing to list them all here, so if you’re on first name terms with any of the venues we’re appearing at I’m sure you’ll find out via your inboxes in due course!

As ever, only a selection of tickets go into the pre-sale, and missing out does not mean you won’t get tickets. The venues we are playing are more than capable of housing you all! I would not be surprised if the odd venue doesn’t take part in the presale so if you don’t see your local #LegendHub then don’t panic! Speaking of dates…here they are!

So, in summary, despite my urgency there is nothing for you to do right this moment other than keep the Ticketmaster Link for Weds at 10am. You can sign up at elisandjohnmerch.com for ticket and merch related updates, but I will be back in your inboxes this Friday morning with individual venue links and a much less flustered approach to comms. There are, however, tickets for something wonderful you can access right now!

The Dear Lou Sanders On Tour!

Yes! The most delightful goose in the whole fair Lou Sanders is going on tour next year! I have seen previews of it, gazed over the longhand notes and giggled my way silly as she navigates the challenge of ageing with joy in her heart live on stage. In a refreshingly admin-lite approach all her tickets are available here without any planning, bookmarking or faff

https://www.lousanders.com/gigs/

I’d be in a very sorry state indeed if it wasn’t for Lou, so grab a ticket to share in her joie de vivre, and maybe you’ll come out with the sunlight of the soul shining down upon you! (or just having had a right old laugh).

I’ll be back on Friday with a more verbose and measured approach to my admin. LOVE YOU BYE!

• Doc to Steve

• Book in car for new strut top mount

• Unpack shredder

How Steve will love that sweet doc! How the Sportage will bask in the glory of a new strut top mount! And oh the pages we will shred! What a time to be alive! However, several items remain on the to do list, and next up is

• Thank wonderful people for their kind words via the magic of email

Let’s go for it!

Members Present

Mr Robins (like in the classy way you call consultants “Mr” or “Mrs”)

Present!

Thank you!

It has been one month since I released Howl into the wild and I wanted to say how blown away I was to receive so many kind messages about the show. I’m delighted that it has resonated, moved and raised the odd laugh. I feel like a big project has come to an end, and my final abiding memory of it will be the be-gladdening feedback from you all! This means a huge amount.

It was released on Bandcamp Friday and Bandcamp’s share was passed on to the wonderful people at Standing Together Against Domestic Abuse. As luck would have it, today is another Bandcamp Friday! So if you have an intention of buying Howl but haven’t yet got round to it then I encourage you to buy it today (Friday 4th October) and I will pass on Bandcamp’s share to another charity I think do wonderful work called Give Directly. Here is the link which has unexpectedly created a little vibe-embed. The link to buy is top right. You can even listen to the little intro I recorded as a treat!

I don’t know if I’m allowed to tell you this but…

Elis and I…..AND DAVE will be touring next autumn! Yes your very best audio pals will be live and unleashed and coming to a venue near you! (Or frustratingly far from you if you live outside of major UK cities). Dates are being finalised and very soon the time will come for me to stress over on sale dates, pre-sale dates, links and fonts. But also the more relaxing chinwags with Giles about car hire and routing. So no instructions yet, just something to whet (wet?) your whistle.

No doubt subscribers to this Vibemail will get news sooner than most, if not all, so spread the word!

Any Other Business

Hmmm, not sure really. I’ve done four cross fit classes in the last four days and despite setting a NEW FRONT SQUAT PB i’m pretty sure I will struggle to stand up after sitting down for half an hour to write this. So wish me luck!

Obviously news of my success in the annual Murray Cup Golf tournament is spreading across the golfing world. Most experts agree that a matchplay record of 20-2-2 is unrivalled in the history of the game. Here is a picture of me on a nature walk I went on by the course whilst the others dealt with their hangovers

My book continues being written at a frustratingly inconsistent pace. I’m very much like Sherlock Holmes when it comes to writing, ten days of nothing and then 18 hours of pure action. Minus the cocaine of course!

Like others who’s mortgage deal is coming to an end I’m googling interest rates A LOT. In fact I’m thinking of doing Bank Of England Away should anyone want tickets for the next meeting of the Monetary Policy Committee? We can hire a mini bus, get half and half doves and hawks scarves, get some chants going as they vote etc etc. You in?

An old friend of a podcast might be making a return soon. But genuinely can’t say more on that yet. And…um…

I LOVE YOU BYE!

Members Present

Captain of The Fifth Battalion Flight Commander The Good Sir Lord Johnny JR MP

Present!

Howl Howl Howl Howl!

Or so King Lear once said. Was he, as the MAINSTREAM MEDIA and LIBERAL ACADEMIC ELITES have led us to believe, really grieving the loss of his most loved daughter? Or was he, in fact, clamouring for the release of digital content some thousand years before such technology existed? (Come to think of it, I guess one reading of King Lear is that it tries to express how true love is inexpressible, how human speech balks at the task of describing it). Hmmm, wish that thought had occurred to me at university TWENTY THREE YEARS AGO. Oh well!

Anyway, Howl is out NOW! Yes you can relive the highs and lows of my last tour show in the safety of your own home, far away from the threat of RAAC hanging over you (literally) and those absolutely appalling cans of wine they sell in theatres these days. Why not have nice wine in a can?! Why can’t things just be nice?! “Still angry about wine John?”…Yeah…just a bit…

So here you go. Here’s the link!

BUY HOWL ONLINE

If you buy it today 10% goes to Standing Together Against Domestic Violence.

That’s it. Hope you’re great! BYE!

His Royal Eminence The Grand High Poobah Squire Sir John Robins KBE

Present!

An Apology Of Sorts

Hey folks! It's me! Your old pal!

Now then, it's been a stonking seven months since I last harrumphed at having to take my shoes off at the door of your digital inbox. When I set up this mailing list there were high words spoken about “emailing” “you” “every” “month”. It would now seem that this decent, upstanding intention, falls dead centre into the realm of “all talk and no trousers”. And what a realm it is! Me and the all other guys chattering away with our twig and berries flapping around as they are buffeted by the Etesian* winds.

*great scrabble word if you wanna bag fifty bonus points from your rack of AEEINST

Please forgive the lack of contact. It has been a tricky year, with episodes of both physical and mental ill-health stifling the previously UNSTOPPABLE ROBINS CONTENT MACHINE. Having recovered the heady physical trio of knee, bum and toe to match-fitness I thought it was just the old bonce left to tackle. Oh Icarus! Long story short, if you return from five days of meditating on a cushion don't celebrate by trying to set a five rep max back squat PB. Because when you are hoovering up wasps in your attic the following morning your back will go. Bye bye back!

Bonce-wise, I really must shake the idea that just because I haven't had a drink in a while doesn't mean everything is going to fall into place and see me wake up in one of those adverts for sober initiatives where everyone's on a beach drinking kombucha, caught by the camera swinging their arms and smiling about how great their skin and sleep is.

Despite improvements to both skin and sleep that has not been my story. Having removed a coping mechanism of some twenty odd years I find navigating my emotional landscape somewhat difficult. Indeed it can be baffling, alarming, dispiriting and downright awful at times. And not just for me, but for others around me too. However, despite the numerous criticisms and inventive swear words I can and do fling at myself* I haven't given up TRYING. I have kept going.

*mainly “Dick Doctor”

Silence!

Thank you for all the kind and unexpected comments filling up the old Delta Mike's following the episode of the show with Elis where we chatted about the silent retreat I went on. I won't wang on about it here as I'm still gathering my thoughts (exactly what we were taught not to do!) After a post-retreat glow of approx 52 hours which Elis and I captured on audio for future generations I thudded back down to earth with all the Zen detachment of a chest freezer falling down a well. However, doubtless yet more tales of date syrup and guffs will feature in future projects.

That said, I would recommend trying the old phone off trick. Buy yourself a cheap alarm clock to have by the bed and actually switch your phone off before you go to sleep, then set a time you won't switch it on before upon waking. Even giving yourself twenty minutes after you get up to give some attention to your cup of tea / tooth brushing / skin care / make up / Fruit 'n' Fibre can be a form of mindfulness and have a profound impact on your day. Our minds spend enough time trying to rip us from the present moment and into yesterday, tomorrow, this afternoon. I’ve realised how adding my phone into that mix means it’s game over for good old NOW. You could even DO THE DOUBLE by implementing the same regime half an hour before bed. You do you.

Howl Audio Release

After months of not being able to bear listening to the sound of my own voice I have taken on the task of preparing Howl for release. After a lot of pacing and pausing, cringing and cursing and vaping the audio should be good to go for the next #BandcampFriday, which begins at 8am on 6^th September.

I could, and won’t, blather on about the frustrations of such a process, including the dreaded double vocal stumble on a key line, mic bleed and the tribulations of removing irrelevant audience banter when the performer HASN’T LEFT A BIG ENOUGH PAUSE BETWEEN ASKING ‘JAY’ WHY SHE WAS LATE TAKING HER SEAT AND BEGINNING ONE OF THE KEY COMEDIC PERFORMANCES OF OUR GENERATION. But I’m sure you can imagine the kind of lighthearted back and forth between me and my long-suffering editing expert The Lovely Robin. Thank the lord for TLR that’s what I say!

The show will be £10 to purchase online or £20 as part of a collection of all my online shows. Please set your alarms for the 6th Sept as ten per cent of all sales made that day will go to the fantastic charity Standing Together Against Domestic Abuse. So do a guy a solid and whack it in the old Golf Charlie, AKA G-Cal, AKA Google Calendar.

I will also be emailing you on that morning to remind you. Of that you can have no doubt!

Book

I am writing a book. It is about alcohol. It’s due out quite a long time away. More to follow…

Goodbye

Goodbye x

Razors

I guess the reason I’m writing this is because I read another Substack and it made me realise that I should. I’m never going to be one of those people who religiously bashes out a piece of writing every week (cf. last Vibemail early Sept), but it’s easy to get into the habit of not doing things. The post in question was this (cue Substack’s slightly bulky way of displaying links to other Substacks…)

The Ruffian

Leslie's Razors

Catch-up service: The Ruffian’s Greatest Hits 2023 Lessons In How Not To Lead Movies as Discourse Generators In philosophy, a “razor” is a rule of thumb or heuristic - a rough and ready way to cut through a problem and choose between competing hypotheses. A razor isn’t an infallible rule, but a principle which gets you to the right answer more often than not. William of Ockham, a fourteenth century English monk and philosopher, is credited with…

Read more

2 years ago · 117 likes · 9 comments · Ian Leslie

I don’t know the author, nor have I read any of his other pieces, but I found going through his nine razors really interesting. It helped me get a bit of a grip on what my priorities are. I don’t necessarily agree with them all (number five in particular). But it’s nice to shake up the old bonce every so often, and maybe reading it will fire off something in your head that you hastily scribble onto the pages of the mind. It was sent to me by dear The Lovely Robin Allender, one of my great internet news hounds who sends me all sorts of relevant things and saves me much needed trawling. I love having a friend like that, a kind of human algorithm for the stuff I might like. His Substack is here

https://robinallender.substack.com/

And if you like his particular brand of superb recommendations and postgraduate-level essays on Joyce that no one asked him to write then check out an archive of his old website here

https://robinallender.tumblr.com/

Anyway, what this all lead me to feel, is that this year is going to be a different year for me. I hope if you will forgive a rather inward looking Vibemail, you may at least be rewarded with something that is of use to you.

Problems / Solutions

It’s been so long since I’ve been in touch, and you may well wonder why I’ve kept schtum during a stand-up tour. A time many would (and did) suggest is the most crucial period of Robins-Apologist Interaction (R.A.I)

The truth is I’ve been struggling a bit mind-wise, a mixture of the rigours of touring, holding quite a hefty show in the brain, feeling like I’m failing a lot of the time, and getting angry at myself for feeling like I’m failing when NUMEROUS TREND SETTERS tell me I’m not. So (and this is insane) I was wary of overtly encouraging people to come to a stand-up show I lacked confidence in. Luckily, and I am hugely mindful of this, a mixture of imposter-syndrome-inducing reviews, positive word of mouth, and the dedication of you wonderful people to the wide church of #RobinsContent meant that, bar a few hastily dashed-off instagram posts, the rooms were full without me having to blow a trumpet I was fearful I couldn’t play. Not only full, but full of the most incredibly welcoming, patient and responsive people. ie YOU. So thank you, thank you all from the B of my H.

There’s a problem and a solution for you right off the bat: maniac saved from self by other people.

More Problems / More Solutions

I am going to try and be more patient. That’s the broad theme. Impatience is one of my major character defects and has seeped into every area of my life. It’s allied to perfectionism, self-criticism, intolerance, self-centredness, self-pity and every other stick I have ever beaten myself or others with.

The worst way this manifests (save harrumphing when Elis is late) is in an exhausting drive for efficiency. Over the years this has provided the basis for many a stand-up routine, and some great moments on the radio show. It’s been very cathartic to creatively explore situations where i’ve driven myself insane - comparing dehumidifiers, thinking about cupboards and browsing slotted spoons. But off air / stage, it is absolutely exhausting. That’s right, I’m going to try and be LESS efficient!

The Scottish Perspective

I’m back from an incredible trip to the west of Scotland. It is the most beautiful place I have ever been. Full stop. Go on then, here’s a pic…

(A few people have asked for recommendations of places to go and here’s the thing: every single second of a five hour drive will blow your mind. I cannot really express just how constantly overwhelming the landscape is. The amount of swearing coming out of my mouth around every corner was insane. So just go anywhere. Go prepared, pack a hiking bag, and stop whenever you see something breathtaking, and walk towards it. (Obviously be safe, check routes, check weather, check how much light you have, wear the right stuff etc etc). On that, I cannot emphasise enough the importance of waterproof hiking boots (which mine were not) for maintaining the morale of all involved. As a result I shall be winging my way towards some Salomon X Ultra Mid GTX in a 10.5 quicker than you can say “stop moaning about your blasted wet feet John! You’re ruining the vibe!”)

But would it shock you to know that the person in that photo, was, at times, in complete mental turmoil? Thinking. Thinking about thinking. Thinking about thinking about thinking. There were moments when the experience of just being in my head was intolerable. Maybe you have experienced this too? Perhaps we all have? For someone in recovery from addiction (booze in my case) this is entirely expected. I am learning how to live sober, for years I couldn’t - so I drank.

Uh Oh! He’s back on about the old problems again!

Anyone who came to see Howl will recognise this as one of the themes. Alcohol, for about twenty years, solved the problem of me. It quietened that thinking, dulled certain voices and empowered others. It was a tool for changing the EQ of the mind. And then over the course of about six years it slowly, then dramatically, stopped working. The damage of continuing to drink outweighed the relief drinking gave from the torment of being me.

Keep it light John!

Now, without alcohol, I am left with that washing machine brain, spinning and spinning and spinning. I haven’t had a drink for just over fourteen months, but still that washing machine spins. Not always at 1400rpm (increase or decrease depending on your own brand of washing machine), sometimes it’s on a delicate cycle, sometimes for brief moments it pauses entirely.

But for the most part, Highlands or no Highlands, whether standing before a breathtaking view or getting in to the shower, it is on. What towel should I use? How long has that towel been out? Google how often to wash your towels! Aren’t you meant to wash shirts with towels? Why didn’t you wash your towel YESTERDAY when you washed that shirt! Google whether to wash shirts with towels! Oh God have you caused increase wear and tear in that shirt? That shirt cost you £60 and you never wear it! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?! WHY DID YOU BUY THAT SHIRT?! You never wear shirts! You should wear more shirts! But you wear them once and they need washing! And you have to wash them with towels! Why can’t you be the sort of person that just chucks it all in and doesn’t care?! What IS non bio washing powder anyway?! Should I hang the towel on the heated towel rail? Won’t that make the towel rail less efficient? Did you leave the towel rail on all night? WHY DID YOU DO THAT?! YOU FUCKING IDIOT JOHN JESUS CHRIST! Chill out! Stop having a go at yourself! Be kind! YOU’RE ALWAYS HAVING A GO AT YOURSELF YOU IDIOT! I need a drink…

I’m going to avoid going down a 12-step rabbit hole here, but suffice to say that initially, the attraction of any 12-step programme is that it offers a way out of the disaster of addiction, and (in my experience) it did. However, over time, it reveals itself to be far more than that: a design for how to live after you have stopped doing what you wanted to stop doing. It provides a tool kit for how to live in the problem of yourself without leaning on the substance or behaviour that did so much damage. I do have tools now, to deal with the problem of my head. I can meditate, I can call people, I can go to meetings, I can journal, I can exercise, I can beseech / pray to / scream at a power greater than myself to remove the obsession to drink, to remove my thoughts, to be kinder to others. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it works more slowly than I would like. But it works.

It’s the bit before it works that I’m struggling with. I had set exactly the same high standards for my recovery, as I set for every other area of my life. And when these high standards aren’t met, all hell breaks loose in an already war torn bonce.

However, you find me in the midst of a solution!

Something I read in The Power Of Now has, some months later, finally sunk in. I’m paraphrasing but it’s from page 36 in my edition.

The need to be right is a form of violence.

And not just a violence to other people (my first epiphany), but also to myself (my current epiphany). In everything I do I challenge myself to do it perfectly, with the most precise economy, be it economy of money, time or quality. Whether it’s brushing my teeth, booking plane tickets, filling up with petrol, performing stand-up, buying new hiking boots, making breakfast or not thinking about alcohol, I set myself an unachievable goal and go apeshit when I fail. And I’m sick of it. And I mean sick, it has made me ill.

I would like to say “It ends here!” or “No more!”, but I am old enough and foolish enough to know that this is never the case. But I am cheerful because the solution to this problem is patience, and patience is achievable, it is often a case of doing nothing so that something improves, as opposed to doing the thing faster, harder, better. This ties in with the third, fourth and ninth of Leslie’s Razors: “Compare yourself to the median person”, “Assume the present isn’t as important as it seems” and “Choose your mistakes”.

Maybe this all sprang from that Substack, maybe it sprang from my run today, where I stopped after 6k because my knee hurt and began to berate myself for having a hurt knee, maybe it sprang from every gym session I’ve ever done beginning with me thinking “you can’t do this because you haven’t been doing it enough” WHILST I’M FUCKING DOING IT! Maybe it sprang from complete exhaustion with my own thoughts, I dunno.

Maybe what it sprang from was the tour. I have always thought of myself as lazy, as someone who does just enough to get by. At school a teacher once took me aside and said “you’re in danger of cruising this course”. And I’ve always felt I’ve cruised whenever possible. And then I look at what I’ve done over the last year and my brain cannot compute how such a lazy drifter did all this stuff and stayed sober. But I really found the tour very hard. I made it hard for myself. I was too harsh a critic of minor mistakes. I set a standard I couldn’t satisfy. I guess what I’m saying is I couldn’t understand why someone so lazy was so disappointed in themselves when they made something almost perfect. Or good. Or very good. Or fine. But I really hauled myself over the coals. And the more people said they liked it the more my head would shout “IT WAS AWFUL! WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT?! IT WASN’T FUNNY ENOUGH! I HATED IT!”. Madness.

I guess that’s a long-winded way of saying I don’t want to go through that again. And not because the show wasn’t good, because I know how much people liked it, and many of your messages about how much it helped you, or helped a friend really really effected me in the best possible way. Some people have reached out to say that seeing Howl helped them begin their own sober journey, and there is no way I can fully express, how in some of the my most difficult moments, the thought of that just got me through. Long story short (in a Cockney accent): I gottah sort me noggin’ aaht befow I do staaynd up agin! (trans. I’ve got to sort my noggin out before I do stand up again)

Part of it is just the sheer weight of carrying round that much material in your head. It’s about 10,000 words written down, the role of Hamlet has about the same, and he’s not in all the scenes! I don’t mean that as a brag, I’m just illustrating how I set myself up for repeated falls expecting it to come out perfectly night after night. Inevitably when saying that much stuff out loud bits will go wrong, I will stumble over words, jokes won’t land, I will miss out a sentence, the tech at Cardiff will be a complete shambles. But I hope the insight into my head that show gave, will explain how the act of performing felt completely beyond me. No show will ever be perfect, and I just couldn’t cope with that.

Some of you with tickets to the postponed Northampton and Winchester shows may have heard they’ve been cancelled. Rest assured the above is not an enormously unwieldy way of excusing that! But it is related. The reasons those shows were postponed was due to a scheduling conflict and a type of BAD CONCRETE. (Neither my fault). The plan was to join them up in Autumn 2024 with another thirty or so dates. I realised about half way into the tour that I wasn’t capable of holding that show in my head for another year, of doing it another thirty times, and the option of doing two shows a couple of months apart in ten months time just wasn’t feasible. So I decided to cancel them (my fault), for which I apologise.

That said, I will be releasing a recording of the show on Bandcamp in some form. Probably around March / April this year. I know it has value, and I was so consistently blown away by all the people who came to see it, it means so very much. I will pull my socks up and listen back to the recordings I have and make the necessary edits to create an acceptable representation of Howl for you to listen to.

The Beginning of the End of a Problem?

This was meant to be tied in with the above but I’ve kind of forgotten how. I was listening to a recent episode of The Rest Is Politics, where Rory Stewart and Alastair Campbell were tasked with sharing some positive news from the often depressing modern political landscape. This show, for me, is a reason to be cheerful in itself. I feel comforted by the fact that two people from opposing political traditions can be so reasonable about things, make so much sense and also be so popular. I guess this ties in with the Razors of the Substack too. When Ian Leslie says

“poor political tactics often stem from ignorance of where the median voter is. Politicians and other public figures needn’t always follow the median voter (although in my view they should do so more often than not) but at a bare minimum they should make an effort to know and understand the median voter’s position.”

I think we would all agree we’ve seen a lot of “poor political tactics” over recent years. A mistake I’ve made is assuming that the more extreme, at times diabolical policies and behaviours of those in power have been enacted / expressed to please the many. And because these policies don’t reflect my values, pretty modest and reasonable values at that, then I must be the minority and that BUMS ME OUT.

But I wonder if that’s the trick they’re trying to play on us: to make us think ‘most people aren’t somewhere in the middle, so what’s the point?’. And I’m not talking about the middle 10%, I’m talking about the middle 80%, where most of us are. Where most of us care about protecting the vulnerable, and the environment, about encouraging people to be successful, to promote the arts, to have good schools and hospitals and pay people properly, to feel safe. I think we’ve been tricked into thinking that because someone feels differently about one thing, that somehow they’re on the opposing team to us in everything, that they represent an enormous uphill struggle against some labyrinthine other side who set the agenda.

Isn’t that how every awful person has ever got into power? Not just by appealing to the worst in us, but by persuading us that the best in us doesn’t make a difference. I just have a sense that actually most people don’t want migrants to be victimised, most people don’t want those fleeing war or torture to be sent to Rwanda, most people don’t want corruption to go unchecked. And that maybe we are about to turn a corner against populism, and all that brings with it. I guess what I mean is that populism might not be as popular as they would have us think.

AND THEN someone (The Lovely Robin again) sent me a screen grab from Twitter.

I don’t know whether it went viral or if you’ve seen it a billion times, I don’t really use Twitter anymore. But I love it this screen grab. It’s a load of (verified) bots agreeing with each other about how great The Godfather is, and it gave me such a surge of hope.

I blame Twitter, and social media more generally, for the catastrophic corrosion of our discourse, how we see each other, communicate with each other, how we are made to feel fear of being shamed, pre-emptive shame, shame itself, how it taught us to embrace the violence of being right. And yet here it is. This was always where it would end - bots agreeing with each other about how great The Godfather is. Isn’t that perfect! How wonderful would it be if we all just quietly exited Twitter and left them to it? Snuck out and closed the door on a billion pointless arguments, likes and retweets that would boil and boil forever without a single person reading them.

And I guess this tied in with my feeling of hope about people, and the beginning of the end to populism, and that mad period of hysteria we went through with Twitter, of pile-ons and fear of saying the wrong thing, or desperation to find out someone had said the wrong thing, of screen grabbing with glee, glee in the fact that WE WERE RIGHT! But at what cost being right? And with what violence!

I’m glad Elon Musk bought it. I’m glad he ruined it. It was already ruined. I am filled with hope by the arrogance of people like Elon Musk! I hope it ensures their eventual irrelevance.

So what have we learned?

Sorry the above is such a mess. Please forgive a bit more mess. Scotland was so wonderful, so wonderful that I kind of got photo fatigue. This is another way that drive for efficiency, perfectionism, the need to be right displays itself for me - the obsession with getting the perfect photo. Have you ever had that on holiday? A sense of low level disappointment that you are letting yourself down by not being able to perfectly capture, or consume, the environment you are currently in? I was left feeling like in order to do justice, to really experience it, that I would have to get inside a mountain, or eat it, in order to be it, to be there properly.

I watched a documentary about Kilian Jornet called Summits Of My Life: A Fine Line (another part of my mad approach to goals is deciding I might go for a run then googling every single blog, film and YouTube channel about the best runners in the world in order to give myself loads of reasons to hate myself for not being the best runner in the world when I’m running). Anyway, what really struck me as I watched this inhuman trail-runner / mountain goat / skiier was how freeing it must be to be in the most incredible landscape on the planet, and never once have to worry about taking a picture. He’s literally traversing Mont Blanc in his pants or whatever, his resting heart rate never exceeding 40 bpm and at no point is he saying “fucking iPhone! It keeps over exposing the sun!”. He’s just doing it. Albeit with a big focus on the goal, or the time, or the record or whatever. And, actually, the whole thing is being filmed by drones and a camera crew so maybe my point is complete dog shit. Ah well, I’ll chill out about the photos anyway.

haha! love how that observation completely derailed before my eyes. Kilian Jornet is more obsessed with capturing the experience on film than little old Johnny JR! What a win!

Another thing I get is this overwhelming sense of is other lives I haven’t lived. This is really heightened on holiday.

‘Look at that Ullapool fishmonger! He seems jolly! WHY AREN’T YOU AN ULLAPOOL FISHMONGER?! Oh John! If only you’d moved to Ullapool when you were eighteen and learned the fishmongering trade! THAT would be living! Oh God I’ve wasted my life not being an Ullapool fishmonger. Up early for the morning catch and chewing the cud with locals, before clocking off at 5pm and meeting your pals in the pub! But hang on, that hiking shop looks nice… Oh to work in a hiking shop on the shores of a Loch! THAT would really be something wouldn’t it?! Just advising about the latest Salomon X Ultra Mid GTX boots then closing up at 5pm and heading to the pub to play in your folk band! Oh John! What a sorry life you’ve lead not working in a hiking shop on the shores of a Loch! But wait…what’s that sound? A chainsaw in the forest?! HOLY COW! To be a chainsawsman in a forest! Oh to stride out in the morning for a day of forestry maintenance! The view of nature that only you have access too! Now THAT, THAT JOHN, WOULD BE LIVING! just sawing away before clocking off at 5pm to…

You get the picture. It all boils down to endless fantasies of not being me and going to the pub.

You may well think ‘What an ungrateful swine! He’s got the life! Oh to be a comedian! Oh to sit at the right hand of Elis James! Oh to play to hundreds of people and return to your dressing room shouting “fucking hell John! You forgot the fucking bit about the cheese grater you complete idiot!”. That would be the life!’

haha, does it ever end? In former days I would have bathed in the bleakness of an absolutely devastating poem by Philip Larkin on this very topic, but it is a little problematic in places (“women mostly” / “old ratbags”/ “birds”) something bothering you Phil?… But also I no longer believe in the “unbeatable slow machine” I don’t think that is the problem. Maybe the slowness is the solution? We have time!

It all returns to that attempt at having more patience, with myself and others. I no longer want to view life as an endless series of disappointments created solely by a drive for perfection. Whether it’s not flossing enough, or tripping up on my words in a tour show, my catastrophic failure to be an Ullapool fishmonger or inability to eat a mountain. Life will reveal itself. And that’s not to say our priorities can’t be bold, revolutionary even, but they should be kind, and simple. In all things I must ask myself am I living in the problem or the solution?

More Good News Alan

Anyway, this has served as a very odd precursor to telling you that I’m on the next series of Taskmaster!

Yes! Finally the plaintive cries and tweets to the wise creators of Britain’s foremost comedy show will be no more! Johnny JR is in da (Taskmaster) house!

The rest of the contestants, Joanne, Sophie, Nick and Steve are all FANTASTIC, just the loveliest people you could hope to spend time with. I’m so grateful for them, and everyone else in the Taskmaster crew. They really do have to clear up an awful lot of broken eggs / popped balloons / thrown ducks / spilled honey and still they find the time to be welcoming, accepting of ideas, plans and the odd strop thrown because “health” and “safety” means it’s “unwise” to “set yourself” on “fire”. How patient they are! I do hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Weird how stuff works out, a life beyond my wildest dreams eh?

So there you have it! That’s me for now. Maybe too much of me.

I’m also looking forward to starting the bigger / smaller / pre recorded / live / podcast / radio show with Elis in a couple of weeks time. I’m off again before then. Maybe I’ll write something some day, which is like this but longer and shorter and less winding. But I will be trying to be more patient with myself, others and the world. And I’ll probably tour again when I’m more chilled out with a show called Fun-gasm or Chillaxmas Eve or something. Bye!

A lot has happened since last we digitally met, and you may be wondering why I’m not on a PR OFFENSIVE ahead of my tour. Well, Edinburgh was something of an intense period of working, worrying and napping. Over forty shows in twenty five days was a big ask, but it was necessary to prepare for the tour, and most importantly I did it sober as a J! (Judge)

I will give a brief Edinburgh debrief below, and also provide a final call for tickets for the tour. The next Freddie auction begins soon and I look forward to having yet more hopes and dreams destroyed by any number of hedge / sovereign wealth funds. But what can you do? As Freddie always said “We live in a market economy dear! You have to trust the markets!”

Members Present

Esteemed Sergeant of The Most Venerable Guards Of Honour, Johnny ‘JR’ Robins III DSO DSC

Present!

Edinburgh

Well we did it! Thank you to every one of you who came to watch Howl and my Work In Progress. Depending on what show you saw you may have seen some of my finest performances at the festival / me forgetting a crucial chunk and sitting down on the stage calling myself the c-word. GOOD. TIMES.

These two shows are currently being merged together (like in The Fly) for performance on the tour, and there’s nothing like Edinburgh Fringe to really get that gear popping! Reviewers have a tendency to leave old dogs like me be during August, I ‘spose I’ve had my fill of stars and younger bucks must rut on the moorland. However I did get this absolute HUMDINGER from a publication called The Student Newspaper. I don’t know if they’ve reviewed me before, but, aside from the fact it’s bigging up old bug-a-lugs here, I was stuck by what a good piece of writing it is. Alas it came out after the festival ended so getting it tattooed onto my face hasn’t quite had the impact I’d hoped. But here it is

https://studentnewspaper.org/fringe-2023-john-robins-howl/

I was also honoured to be asked to present the Edinburgh Comedy Awards at the end of the festival. Most especially memorable was the panel prize going to ‘A Show For Gareth Richards’. Gareth was a comedian and friend of mine who tragically died in a road accident earlier this year. He had booked his slot at the festival and through the tireless work of Mark Simmonds and Danny Ward, the slot was filled throughout the month with a roster of wonderful comedians. Here is a pic of us all on stage with Gareth looking on.

Credit DMLK VIDEO

The speech I hastily rustled up over bagels and coffee also went down well, with industry TREND SETTER Chortle even asking for a transcript to put on their website. You can read it here (typos not my own)

https://www.chortle.co.uk/correspondents/2023/08/26/54023/unimaginable_opportunities_will_arise_because_you_decided_to_create_something

So there you have it. It will be a long time until I’m back in Edinburgh performing, and this was a very satisfying way to bow out for now. But the show must go on!…

Howl Tour 2023

Yes! In two days (mega gulp) I will be hauling this old bag o’ bones on the road. Kicking off in Norwich on the 13th September and ending in Bristol on the 15th December. Tickets for any of you with a more Elis approach to organisation are available here

https://www.johnrobins.com/howl-2023-tour/

One spanner in the works is the news from Northampton Royal & Derngate that they have discovered everyone’s favourite type of concrete, RAAC, in their foyer. So the show in Northampton on the 29th September is cancelled. I know as much as they have said in their statement here but we will look to reschedule the date, and if that’s not possible we will put in a date in 2024 near as mustard to the venue.

I look forward to having a good old laugh/scream with/at you all soon!

Any Other Business

I’m pretty much tour-focussed from here on in. Friday shows on 5Live will continue with Elis throughout, apart from one week that was just too full on, for which no doubt a superb Robins-substitute will be found. I might even find time to do a couple of episodes of Beef’s Golf Club over the coming months, but, alas, my golf game has been the real victim of this period of creative fervour. That said I DID get to play a round with all-round hero, golf sensei and youtuber Golf Sidekick, though only his shots were filmed. You might get a glimpse of Johnny JR tending the flag when he releases the video from Leven Links.

That reminds me! A new Bad golf video has gone up just this weekend! Do check it out! It’s the climax to a scramble with Mia Baker and Tom Price.

That reminds me! I was on Tom Price’s podcast ‘My Mate Bought A Toaster’ telling the story of my life through Amazon purchases. Here is a link https://podfollow.com/1462168683/view

That reminds me! I was on Kathy Burke’s podcast ‘Where There’s A Will There’s A Wake’! Kathy Burke is one of the all time greatest people and you can listen to it here: https://podfollow.com/1654059310/view

That reminds me! I was on Rich Wilson’s podcast ‘Insane in the Menbrain’ talking about alcoholism and recovery and all things spirit and self. I' really enjoyed listening back to this and think I was able to articulate a good few things I’ve been experiencing if chat about sobriety and insanity are of any interest to you. Do listen here https://podfollow.com/menbrain/view

Been on PR drive John? Just a bit mate! I’m also gonna be on Ed Byrne’s new podcast ‘Ed Byrne Needs A Hobby’ where I took him for a crossfit session and after we chatted about fitness and sobriety. It’s not out yet but have a look at what he’s released so far here. Good. Times.

Well that surely must be it?! I’m gonna get back to arranging my thoughts to share with you at those regional arts centres who had the decency to use PROPER CONCRETE. And then onwards! Before long we shall be stepping into the vast emerald beyond of 2024 where I hope to take a break and meditate by a loch or chase a mountain goat through the woodlands of tomorrow!

Love you BYE!

Secondly our old friend life has been happening with all its teeth and claws. After receiving some very kind messages following the passing of my step dad I did pen a very long note / eulogy which I had a mind to put on here as a kind of grief postscript. However he was a very private man, so instead of sharing it with you all I shared it with the universe (and my mum) instead. Short version is: death I can just about get my head around, dying, however, far stranger. Also, every time I try to describe the care provided by district nurses and St Peter’s Hospice nurses I fall to bits, they really are the best of us aren’t they?

Speaking of going to bits, you may notice my current mood is set to “purged” above. Why’s that then John?! Have you finally bitten the bullet and done ayahuasca?! Goodness me no, if I need to interact with God I just whack on Love Over Gold by Dire Straits (RIGHT GUYS?!). No, this feeling of purgation has descended (and strap in for a moment of pure Partridge) after I suffered something of a mental collapse on the M40 yesterday between the hours of 14:36 and 16:20 after leaving a corporate golf engagement. Nothing bad happened, it was precipitated solely by the stress of living inside my own unbearable mind 24/7/365. Thankfully the weather in my head has now cleared and the sunshine breaks the clouds once again, but to anyone who saw a man screaming at himself in a Kia Sportage as he passed Cherwell Valley Services (southbound) rest assured all was well by Beaconsfield and it’s delightful Pizza Express.

So, to business!

Subscribe now

Members Present

Well (Noble) Very Learned Sir John “Johnny JR” Robins MA(Oxon) KHS FRS

Present!

Howl Brighton Date

Dear Brightonians, what a journey it has been! The building has now been signed off, and the throne, dressing room and eighteen backstage toilets completed to my own unique specifications. And I can announce that Brighton will be on members pre-sale TODAY 10am Tuesday 4th July and on general sale TOMORROW 10am Wednesday 5th July. As a special treat we have put in TWO DATES at the Brighton Corn Exchange. They are 9th and 10th December 2023. The link is here BUT WON’T GO LIVE UNTIL 10AM TODAY.

https://brightondome.org/event/33944/john_robins/

I can also confirm that the Winchester date has been moved to 2024. Huge apologies for any inconvenience this has caused, or indeed any confusion, as, by sheer coincidence it has been rescheduled for exactly the same date one year hence (28th Sept). The dates for Birmingham (27th Sept) and Milton Keynes (29th Sept) have also been moved, and ticket holders should have been contacted by venues. Again, apols, but it is for good reason.

Tickets for all dates and Edinburgh Fringe shows are available at Johnrobins.com

Edinburgh Fringe 2023

I have two shows at The Edinburgh Fringe this year. A Work In Progress at 3.10pm and a more polished show at 8.50pm. They are both at just The Tonic’s Nucleus venue in the 'Sub Atomic’ and ‘Atomic’ rooms respectively. It would be great to see you there if you’re up!

Tickets are here

Howl 8.50pm

WIP 3.10pm

How Do You Cope?

Good question! And one we’re putting to a wonderful array of guests for this fourth series. You can listen to them all, and past episodes on the 8th wonder of the digital world, BBC Sounds, here. If you’d rather stick two fingers to stylish design, industry leading innovation and intuitive interface dynamics, you can also listen wherever the hell else you like.

Our first episode was a catch up between Elis and I about what the last year has held for us. In it I spoke about all things sobriety that were in my head at time of going to press (it was recorded a couple of months ago). I’d like to thank every single person who got in touch to offer their experience, strength and hope after listening. And to those who reached out for tips and advice on their own relationship with alcohol I wish you so much strength as you navigate the choppy waters of booze. All I can say is that, for me, attempts at moderation made things worse in the long run, eventually I had to put my life before my pride. If you do make the decision to try living life sober, chances are at some point you’re going to have to speak to some strangers about your drinking, and far from being an unbearable task, I have found it to be transformative and absolutely crucial to my recovery. Go well!

The Floral Revolution

On last weeks show Elis, Dave and I spoke at length about the unbridled potential of John Robins X Floral Shirt. So before signing off I thought I would immortalise this wardrobe revolution for you. It’s a Puma golf top, and fittingly displayed in the Cobra Puma golf truck at The British Masters where I was lucky enough to have an insanely strong espresso whilst watching a man cut golf club shafts with a big saw (bliss).

Any Other Business

Most of my other business centres around #PersonalDevelopment, learning how to meditate and having the odd flip out in a Kia Sportage. An experience made all the more bearable by the Sportage’s industry leading interior (even at the lower trim levels). I have got into / started drinking a lot of coffee in a big way, and no doubt this will lead to a month long obsession with grind size, roast level and V60 brewing techniques before inevitably being put on the back burner with all the other spreadsheets of things I got into / started drinking a lot of over the years. But you gotta have some fun right?

I will hopefully darken your doorsteps again before Edinburgh starts with a long list of #RobinsRecs, but the brochure hasn’t arrived yet and I can’t yet face up to navigating the Fringe’s, let’s be honest, nightmarish website.

night night!

Yes the lawn has been reseeded after it was torn up by the small minority of blackbirds that give the majority of honest, hard-working blackbirds a bad name! According to a gardener they were trying to access larvae of the European Crane Fly AKA ‘Leatherjackets’. Making the blackbird the Mod, and my lawn 1960s Weston-Super-Mare, in this Mods vs Rockers festival of anti-social behaviour.

Well now the Blackbirds have got on their vespas and returned to their suburban life leaving me with the rather peaceful morning routine of checking in on the increasingly green expanse outside of my window with my morning coffee. OH MY GOD A PUSSYCAT JUST JUMPED DOWN OFF THE FENCE AND IT’S IN MY GARDEN! LOOK AT IT! I THINK IT’S A MAINE COON KITTEN OH MY HEART WILL BREAK I CAN’T BEAR IT!

…[some time later]…

Well that was a treat for the soul and no mistake! I do hope there are pussycats (both literal and metaphorical) making brief appearances on the lawn of your life. And if you have had your turf raked up by the gardener of change (literal and metaphorical) that the grass (lit & met) is returning with renewed vigour and a stronger root bed (l&m).

This Vibemail is pretty much a single issue campaign, as most of my major manifesto commitments remain in front of various quangos, think tanks and focus groups before being revealed to the electorate at large. However I can reveal one grandstand announcement that I hope isn’t overshadowed by numerous small-scale scandals going on amongst my junior ministers (I’ve lost the metaphor but bear with).

Members present

United Nations Special Envoy For Content Dr Johnny JR KCVO.

Present!

Edinburgh / Johnny Two Shows

Yes dears, he’s back! After navigating the frankly depressing realities of the modern accommodation scene at the Edinburgh Festival, which included a rather heated discussion with a lettings agent about being offered a months lease on a three bedroom flat for EIGHT THOUSAND POUNDS. I can announce, and provide ticket links to, my no doubt over ambitious Edinburgh Fringe show(s).

On a serious note, The Edinburgh Fringe was set up to provide access to the festival for creative people who weren’t part of established cultural society (ie minted). So it is incredibly distressing to see market forces remain unchecked by the financial gatekeepers who could make a real difference (lettings agents / landlords / Edinburgh University / Edinburgh Council / The Scottish Government). The cost of accommodation has gone up 35% since LAST YEAR. And were this the landscape that little Johnny JR had faced at his first fringe in 2005 then he simply would not have been able to afford to go, let alone spend the next eighteen years getting half decent at his job every August.

I could (but won’t) speak about this for hours and go into punishing detail about the economics of the Edinburgh Fringe. But I feel quite strongly that this might be the last time I can be a part of it in its current state. The Edinburgh Fringe has been the most important, life-changing and creatively inspiring experience in my career. If indeed this is my last appearance for a while, let’s make it an #AbsoluteDoozy.

So strap in for some crucial info…

I am doing two shows. A work in progress at 3.10pm and ‘Howl’ at 8.50pm. They are both at Just The Tonic’s Atomic Venue. This venue is not part of Just The Tonic’s main venue on Cowgate. It is situated just up from The Pleasance Courtyard. The work in progress is in the ‘Sub Atomic’ room and ‘Howl’ is in the ‘Nucleus’ room.

In an ideal world you’ll of course be coming to both shows every day to prepare your dissertations on things like ‘The intersection of genius and wisdom in modern stand-up comedy’ or ‘The screaming man who changed my life with humour’. Or, indeed, to inform the glowing reviews you will no doubt be writing for the broadsheet press / Nobel Prize Committee. However, if you saw last years work in progress then ‘Howl’ is based on that, whereas this years work in progress is BRAND SPANKING NEW / ropey as eff.

Tickets for Howl (8.50pm) are available from

Just The Tonic (£16 + 90p booking fee) https://edinburgh.justthetonic.com/event/88:3287/

Edfringe (£16 + £1.25 booking fee) https://tickets.edfringe.com/whats-on/john-robins-howl

Tickets for the work in progress (3.10pm) are available from

Just The Tonic (£10 + 90p booking fee) https://edinburgh.justthetonic.com/event/88:3315/

Edfringe (£10 + £1.25 booking fee) https://tickets.edfringe.com/whats-on/john-robins-work-in-progress

HOWL UK TOUR 2023

Tickets are beginning to sell out for some of the tour dates for Howl, so grab them here https://www.johnrobins.com/shows/

The Brighton date will be on sale soon and will be on 10th December. You will be the first to know, however the delay is because of building works being signed off, so bear with.

If the venue websites are sold out remember to try the link at the bottom for tickets sold through Ticketmaster. I’ll whack it here actually! (FYI this link also has listings for a few regular circuit shows before the tour where I’m on as part of a mixed bill)

https://www.ticketmaster.co.uk/john-robins-tickets/artist/1847608

Made Up Games Live!

There are still tickets for three shows I’m doing with Elis at The Bloomsbury Theatre in a couple of weeks time. This is your chance to say “I was there in the early days! Yes at The Bloomsbury! Before it moved to TV / Got turned down by all the major channels and John’s rant got him sacked from 5Live and cancelled!”. We’re also joined by three guests on each show AND I KNOW WHO THEY ARE AND I’M EXCITED! So click here and join the fun!

https://www.ucl.ac.uk/culture/whats-on/made-games-live-0

Any Other Business

I’m doing a few work in progress shows in London before Edinburgh which I’ll whack up on social media. So do follow me on Instagram and Twitter. Though I sometimes forget Twitter because it’s so ghastly.

For those pining for Bad Golf we do have stuff on its way, but weather, availability and editing stresses are making it very difficult to release videos with anything approaching the regularity we would like. This really is a hobby / labour of love, so don’t be too angry if new videos are a bit sporadic. It really is no fun filming golf in mud and rain / finding out the course has closed at 6am on the day you’d arranged to film.

More regular #Golf #Content can be found in the new series of The Beef’s Golf Club Podcast which is already scooping up awards for superb golf banter.

Elis and I are recording a new series of How Do You Cope? and I’m really looking forward to sharing it with you all.

In spite of what my social media advertising algorithms may assume, I am still sober as a j (judge), and continue to find the stresses and strains of life easier to navigate without the support/devastation of that particular dark magician. Thank you to everyone who got in touch after I spoke briefly about it on an episode of Colin Murray’s Midnight Meets. I’m sure I will talk more about it in future and send strength and hope to anyone going through a similar journey.

I do so hope to see you in August, or if you can’t get there, on tour in the autumn. So, until we meet again on the broad highway, love you bye!

Let’s give the people what they want and set season three of White Lotus at Centre Parcs Bedford where a successful Welsh sports podcaster turns up in a fourteen year old VW Golf and realises he’s left his daughters iPad at home.

I’m quite chilled about it actually, it is watchable, but the way people were talking you’d have thought it was that episode of Cracker with Robert Carlyle! (‘To Be A Somebody’).

Anyway, to business! I do hope you’re swell? My washing machine and tooth broke on the same day. It’s the same tooth that has broken countless times before. I don’t quite understand how a crowned tooth can break but there you go. It’s certainly provided a pretty strong counter argument to my ‘never insure anything you don’t have to’ rule. If I’d known how much it was going to end up costing then I’d have forked out for a cool one with Wi-Fi or something. Oh well.

Washing machine wise I’ve been uncharacteristically accepting of the whole affair. It made strange noises and there were lots of white bits inside. I was momentarily overcome with emotion worrying that the design on a sentimentally important ‘Snowhemian Rhapsody’ Christmas jumper had started to come off. So when it turned out to be plastic shavings from the drum tearing apart the door I was actually quite relieved. Funny the things we care about eh?

“COME ON JOHN FOR CRY EYE! STOP WAFFLING ON ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS AND TELL US WHERE WE CAN GET TICKETS FOR THE BRISTOL SHOW TO HEAR YOU WAFFLE ON ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS ON STAGE!”

Fair point.

Members Present

Joint Special Representative His Excellency Air Marshall Sir Johnny JR QC

Present!

Bristol / Salford / Brighton Tickets

Now then. Listen carefully for I shall say this only countless times. The Bristol date of Howl will be at brand-spanking new venue The Bristol Beacon on Friday 15th December. I’m absolutely pleased as punch to be part of their launch schedule, being, as it is, just a hundred yards from The Hatchet pub, where I did my first ever gig on (I think) 19th Feb 2005. Tickets go on sale almost exactly eighteen years later (holy eff), at 10am Friday 17th Feb (today) and are available here https://bristolbeacon.org/whats-on/john-robins-howl/

I have also added an ambitious second date in Salford for December 3rd which goes on sale today at 10am and will appear on the same webpage as the other date here https://thelowry.com/whats-on/john-robins-howl/

Alas, no more word from Brighton, they are still putting together the final touches at the venue. But it will be 10th December and you will find links here first. For all the other dates head to my website here https://www.johnrobins.com/shows/

Edinburgh - An Audacious Plan

Speaking of ambitious dates, I’m planning to do two shows in Edinburgh this year. One will be called Howl and will be a (hopefully) more polished version of last years work in progress. The second show doesn’t have a name yet but will be a mid-afternoon work in progress. If my house of cards doesn’t come tumbling down then the two of these together will form the bulk of the tour show, as there’s no support act this year - it’s a wall-to-wall Robins scenario.

The shows aren’t listed yet so giving further details would be pure folly, however I expect to have ticket links in the next month. Exciting times!

Made Up Games Live

Tickets are still available for the second run of Made Up Games Live with Elis and various guests from the comedy world. The dates are 17/18/19 April. These were great fun in December so grab yourselves a seat here https://www.ucl.ac.uk/culture/whats-on/made-games-live-0

The Elis and John Tax Calendar

The most anticipated calendar in the history of tax goes on sale TODAY! To find out more you’ll have to listen to your favourite piece of terrestrial content on BBC Radio 5Live this afternoon! I haven’t asked permission to share the following with you, but here’s a family friendly low-res peek to whet your appetite / trigger full-scale arousal.

Any Other Business (Some Vague)

For any of you able to hold it together after staring into those come-to-Clywd eyes, here are some other things on the horizon for #TeamRobins. A few work in progress shows will be popping up here and there. Mostly in London but also one in Wells, tickets for that are here https://www.wellscomfest.com/whats-on/john-robins-2023 and if it’s sold out you can see Lou Sanders’ show instead which is on at the same time in another room #SportageRoadTrip.

We’ve got a very special guest for the 100th Episode of The Moon Under Water. It will also be recorded LIVE with an audience. Tickets will be available very soon but Patreons get #FIRSTDIBS so if you want #FIRSTDIBS you can support the podcast on patreon here https://www.patreon.com/moonunderpod.

Interviews are now being booked in for the third series of How Do You Cope? which I’m really excited about. I MIGHT be doing celebrity Mastermind again but I’m not allowed to do Queen so have my thinking cap on for which of my many areas of knowledge to exploit (is Cracker too narrow?).

I MIGHT be on Sunday Brunch, so if they start another poll in the style of ‘Who is better Queen or Madness?’ please get voting!

I MIGHT be recording an episode of Great Lives on Radio 4, a programme I have long admired BUT MATT LUCAS HAS ALREADY DONE FREDDIE MERCURY AND RONNIE O’ SULLIVAN IS STILL ALIVE SO WHO ELSE IS THERE?!

I MIGHT have bought a new coat without researching it for a thousand hours and am IMMINENTLY about to answer a question that has plagued the culinary world for centuries: is spaghetti and jalapeños a meal?

Progress not perfection people!

[twenty five minutes later…]

So spaghetti and jalapeños is a meal, but it’s more of a meal if you add tuna, cheese sauce and capers. It was actually delicious but in a now-I-feel-sad way.

OK, godspeed to you all. If everything goes wrong we can still be friends right? Like if everything I’ve mentioned above turns into total shit and I forget my words or my bum falls off on Sunday Brunch we can still hang out digitally can’t we?

Good.

LOVE YOU BYE!