Sex on Murder Island, the sequel to Murder on Sex Island, comes out this June 30th! The incompetent detective Luella van Horn is invited to a private island owned by five billionaire families to look into a case of infidelity, but she soon uncovers a murder, a sex cult, and the secret tunnels that may link them all together. I tried to write this one juicier, but really, no promises. At least this one doesn’t have a whole scene about lentil soup on top of a baked potato. That’s only in the first book.

There will be a book release show at the Bell House where every ticket includes a signed copy of the book. I’ll be joined by Josh Sharp, George Civeris, and Michelle Davis for a panel discussion and some uh tasteful normal games. Grab your tickets here!

Also! Never Change, the movie directed by Marty Schousboe and written by John Reynolds, is premiering at Tribeca Film Fest. Tickets can be purchased here if you want to go see it in a theater! I believe it’ll also be out later on Hulu if you’re a stay at home kinda gal. The movie features a very funny ensemble cast, and it’s about if the class of 2008 was suddenly required by the government to go back to high school as 35 year olds. I’d say the genre is sweet and hilarious nightmare.

Okay, okay, you got through the plugs, good job. Passions this week include: big grapes, finding teeth, and Clarence Carter.

Something’s happening to grapes. Some of these suckers I’ve seen, they’re bigger than apples. They’re mutants. I should probably be sticking to the ones that have seeds and make my mouth feel like I just sucked on a blanket, but I keep coming back to these enormous cue balls. Sometimes I eat them regular, sometimes I pop a couple in the freezer. I love these things.

Our dog’s getting up there in age, which means sometimes whole teeth will fall out of his mouth. I’ve been told by the vet this is NORMAL. I learned this by bringing a tooth in a tupperware container to the vet’s office a couple years ago. They gave it a cursory glance then flipped open the garbage can and asked if they could throw it away. I had planned to keep both the tooth and the tupperware, but I realized it was probably better in that situation for the vet to think of me as sane. Our dog lost another tooth last month, and every day he’s looking more like a hockey player. I couldn’t find that tooth for weeks, but a couple days ago I found it near the radiator! Yay!

The soul singer-songwriter Clarence Carter passed away last week at 90. He was known for his unabashedly sexual songs, my favorite being Strokin’. The beat puts you in a good mood right away. And then the lyrics are so explicit and detailed that it makes you wonder if there’s a possibility you’ve been going about sex all wrong. It’s awesome.

And now some passions from the readers…

Chris: “My passion is the fat “chisel tip” Sharpies. Big bold lines you can read from across the room and if you hold them right it automatically makes your handwriting look like, “dang, I could work at Lush”. Super useful for organizing and making labels. Not sure why they even make the regular size ones, tbh”

Sairah: “I'm passionate about planting cilantro just to watch it grow. The plants never yield much before dying (my balcony doesn't get enough sunlight) but sprinkling the few precious leaves on guacamole and then planting more just to watch little seedlings come up out of the soil again is such a joy. Picture attached!”

If you have a passion, you can reply to this email with 1-2 sentences about it.

Now take care of yourself,

Jo

Sex on Murder Island, the second installment of the Luella van Horn series, comes out June 30th, and you can preorder the book from any of the links here. Our unconfident detective, Luella van Horn, must solve a murder on a private island owned by a cabal of billionaires, and in turn, she uncovers their filthy and disgusting sex cult. A work of autofiction. JK JK JK!

Passions this week include: stracciatella gelato and watching all of season 15 of RHOBH.

From what I can tell, stracciatella means cheese. But when it’s a flavor of gelato, it means chocolate chip. That mystery will go unsolved for now. These days, whenever I have to leave the house, I’ll try to figure out a route that passes a gelato place either on the way there or back. This last time, though, I got a big scoop in a cone, and one lick in, I got Mark’d from Step by Step.

See the kid on the left, and how he’s got no ice cream? It’s cuz it fell off the cone when he went to lick it. They do this to show the character Mark is cursed in life from an early age. That happened to me on 61st and Broadway, and I had to pick up the scoop off the sidewalk like a baseball and chuck it in the damn trash. Still into the flavor though.

I don’t know how, but I’ve managed to start and finish this season of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I’m not recommending the show, but I am recommending the odd sense of accomplishment that comes with seeing through something til the end, even if it’s something that makes you want to get plastic surgery and start fights with your friends.

And now a few from the readers:

Hanne: “Hi Jo! My passion this week is pretzel sticks. You can dip them in anything you want and also build a mock log cabin with them and pretend you live inside it like an old old man with no friends.”

Mary: “My passion this week is when library holds are ready for pickup. I saw the trailer for the movie Conclave about papal intrigue and saw it is based on a book so immediately requested it. The book was ready for pickup within a few days. I’m pumped!”

Ashley: “My passion is keeping tabs on Gofundmes. I love to check and see if they've met their goal (big or small). And I'm not afraid to say it - the act of community coming together often brings me to tears!”

Capping this missive off with info on a couple upcoming events:

Aaron Jackson, Josh Sharp and I are back to doing our infamous boat show where we hastily write a jukebox musical and cast the audience, but this time it’s on land and based on the music of Lady Gaga. That’ll be on Thursday, May 7th. It’s called AbracaGAGA: A Lady Magician Mystery.

And there’s going to be a big fun book release event for Sex on Murder Island happening on Tuesday, June 30th at the Bell House. Tickets available here! Your ticket includes a signed copy of the book. Come learn I still don’t know how to write my name in cursive.

Okay that’s all! If you have a passion, you can reply to this email with 1-2 sentences about it!

Yours truly,

Jo

Mike and I got married last month at the City Clerk’s Office, which is a lot like the post office if everyone dressed up to send their packages. Every time I go there, I ask for a job and they say no. Imagine marrying 70 people a day? It sounds like heaven. I used to cater weddings, and I’d get a thrill at every single one. As far as being actually married, everything is about the same except now he’s on my car insurance. The most I ever feel like a wife is when it’s my turn to take out the garbage and I do it at 7 in the morning wearing a bathrobe.

In other news, I watched two comedy specials — Chris Fleming’s on HBO and Taylor Tomlinson’s on Netflix — and both were divine. And I got to see Nirvana The Band The Show The Movie in theaters, which I also loved. Recommending!!

Passions this week include: Jolly Rancher Chews, Elsbeth is back on television, and ketchup.

These Jolly Rancher Chews!!! I must’ve talked about these before. I’m gonna describe them accurately now, but it’s not gonna sound appetizing. If Starburst is plain lettuce, stay with me, Jolly Rancher Chews are dinner salad with Italian dressing and a couple croutons. The other day, I was going through it — body hurt, head ached, in a piss-poor mood — then I found a big sack of these at the grocery store, I ate ten of them walking around, and things took a turn for the better.

After what felt like a hundred years’ hiatus, Elsbeth is back on television. If you’re not sure this show is for you, see if you answer yes to the following questions. Do you like seeing Broadway performers on TV? Do you enjoy a crime show where the murder is light and fun? Does a main character carrying a bunch of tote bags appeal to you? If yes to ALL THREE, check it out. This most recent episode is about wig makers, and Jeff Hiller stars, and it’s maybe the best episode the Elsbeth folks have ever made.

Everyone knows that condiments rule, but ultimately there’s a pecking order, and ketchup’s at the top. My brother insists there is a direct correlation: the more you like ketchup, the dumber you are. Well, consider me dumb as rocks, because I can’t get enough. Ketchup is king. Want proof? Check out the stains on all of my shirts.

A couple of upcoming events:

This Thursday, March 12th, I’m hosting the International Pretzel Stacking Competition to benefit the Midwest Immigration Bond Fund at Littlefield. Participants have 1 hour to stack the tallest pretzel structure in teams of up to 4 people. Registration’s at the door, which opens at 7pm, and the stacking starts at 8. BYO pretzels and edible adhesive (marshmallow fluff, pimento cheese, etc.)!

And this is a way’s away, but on Tuesday, June 30th, I’m doing a book release show at the Bell House for Sex on Murder Island, the sequel to Murder on Sex Island. Ticket link just went live! Some friends will join me, and I’m sure they’ll be nothing but kind and supportive, not like last time. NOT like LAST TIME! Your ticket includes a signed copy of the book, so if you’re thinking of pre-ordering the book and you live in New York, could be a *FuN NiGHT OuT*!

And now some passions from the readers…

Johnson: “Passionate about speaking in a passable br*tish accent with my girlfriend to say somewhat weird stuff like, “I think I’ll get a tomato today and rub it on my head. I do think so I will!””

Alicia: “Hi Jo! It’s thrilling to write to you about my passion for pulling weeds. Specifically, invasive weeds that grow in my nearby dog park. My fellow dog owners seem to think I am a hero but really I am just scratching my own itch. Satisfying!”

Brie: “My latest passion is putting honey in my morning coffee. We have a milk frother, so I start by heating up my oat milk, adding my hot coffee, and then a scoop of local honey. The hot milk and coffee melt the honey and it mixes very well together. It tastes like a fancy latte that I didn't have to pay for and it really helps with seasonal midwest allergies!”

If you have a passion, you can reply to this email with 1-2 sentences about it!

First, some info on upcoming shows and preorder links. I know, I know, you love this stuff.

Thursday, March 12th, I’m putting together a fundraiser, which will be a Pretzel Stacking Competition at Littlefield! Competitors can enter as individuals or teams of 4 people max. BYO pretzels (any size, so be strategic) and edible adhesive (peanut butter, thick mustard, etc). You’ll have one hour to stack, and the highest and girthiest? pretzel tower takes the winning title. This concept is really really stupid, but it’s for a good cause. Proceeds are going to the Midwest Immigration Bond Fund. TICKETS HERE!

Saturday, February 28th, I’m doing the Creativity Hour at Union Hall for the last time. I’m not ashamed to say that every time this show has been either mediocre or downright bad. But I keep making tweaks, and this final time, I’m hoping it’ll be transformative! There is a chance it could still be mediocre, but I can’t possibly know that yet. TICKETS HERE!

March 18+19, I’m opening for H. Jon Benjamin’s show Jazz Daredevil at Union Pool, and they’ll be recording a live album from the shows. Here’s the ticket link!

If you haven’t already, you can pre-order Sex on Murder Island, which is the sequel to Murder on Sex Island. Recently, my friend Josh Gondelman joked that the second book has all the same words as the first book, but they’re scrambled around. SEE IF HE’S RIGHT!

Anyway, passions this week include: Red Bamboo, the check-in guy at the DMV, and orange juice.

I just found out Red Bamboo is closing on February 28th. If you haven’t been there, it’s this vegan comfort food spot on West 4th and 6th Avenue, and ooh you gotta go! They’re known for these vegan BBQ wings where the bones are wooden sticks, but my personal favorite is this combo plate that has a scoop of mashed potatoes, a bunch of fake chicken nuggets, steamed vegetables, and always to my surprise, a big corn on the cob, which is impossible to eat inside a restaurant. Damn, I wish it could stay open forever, but I’m sure the rent is being raised to 8 million dollars a month, so they gotta do what they gotta do.

I had to go to the DMV this week and there is this man checking people in at the front and he’s got a little stereo playing music and he’s dancing (!) and he’s yelling, “I LOVE WHAT I DO!” I can’t believe I encountered this guy at the DMV. Makes me excited for who I’m gonna meet once I go to hell!

It shouldn’t be called orange juice, it should be called SWEET COLD ELIXIR! Man I really love to chug this stuff.

This email’s gotten too long, but if you have a passion, you can reply to this email with 1-2 sentences about it. Stay warm out there,

Jo

Last week, we went to go get our marriage license, and if you ever get a chance to go to the city clerk’s office, go! It’s a wonderful place. Everyone is wearing suits and gowns even though we’re basically at a post office. If you ever go there, just know it’s a long wait. We were the only couple to bring a bag of cheez-its.

A couple of announcements that might be of interest…

I’ll be doing the Creativity Hour at Union Hall this Saturday at 5pm, and another time on Saturday, February 28th, also at 5pm. This is a show where the audience and I collectively try to make the worst art imaginable so that we can leave purified to go make good stuff. It’s fun and positive and some people even get to touch clay.

I’ll be in San Francisco doing some shows at SF Sketchfest, including the dating show, Friends of Single People, and the Creativity Hour! Over 4 real life couples have been formed over the years at Friends of Single People, and this show could make it 5 or 6!

On Thursday March 12th, I’m putting on the 199th Annual International Pretzel Stacking Competiton. Teams of 1-4 people work together to make towers of pretzels with edible adhesive. BYO pretzels! If you don’t want to compete, you can walk around and watch people defy gravity. After an hour, whoever has the tallest structure wins the title. So far only 6 people have bought tickets to this, and if it stays that way, this will be my 5th worst production yet. Exciting!

Lastly, the sequel to Murder on Sex Island comes out this June, and it’s called Sex on Murder Island. Similar titles, yes, but VERY different plots! This one involves a billionaire sex cult! You can pre-order now!

Okay now to the meat. Passions this week include: Cosmic Crisp and big piles of dog shit (stay with me on this).

What are they always doing to apples? Why is there always a new one? Is it because we hate Red Delicious that much? I don’t know how they make Cosmic Crisp (probably A.I. involved) but whatever they’ve been searching for all this time, I’d say they did it. They no longer have to keep making new apples. They solved apples with Cosmic Crisp.

If I were a detective, and I’m not, I’d say every single person in my neighborhood let their dog shit in the snow and left it there. Maybe they thought it was decoration. But since the snow thawed, the dog shit is everywhere. Every time I manage to walk outside without stepping in a big pile of crap, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

And now some from the readers…

Sally: “My passion is listening to bass lines. Any song I am listening to, a song I know well or a song I’m hearing for the first time- follow the bass.”

Mason: “My current passion is my weekly CSA fruit box, which I pick up from a neighbor‘s front porch every Tuesday. I got some amazing seasonal stone fruit in the summer, and now that it’s late fall I get apples and pears. My favorite from this week is called a Seckel, a tiny two-bite, very sweet pear, apparently the only pear first discovered in America. I’m learning new fruit facts and tasting cultivars I’ve never seen before!”

Irene: “My passion these days is making collages. It's fun because you can spend hours just cutting cool shapes out of magazines, but then you can tell everyone you were making art. It is also very low commitment art - you can just rearrange it until it feels "right", like a puzzle where none of the pieces have to fit. They aren't even from the same puzzle - It's like a half cat, a third horse and a quarter Ferris wheel.”