#167, June 16th, 2026

Hey Shani,

The older I get, and the longer I’m single, the less I want a man in my bed. EVER. It’s sometimes scary how much I don’t want to actually sleep next to a man, and then I wonder if worrying about having to have a man in my bed one day is energetically repelling men lol. Is it possible to want a relationship but ALSO your own bed?

Hey You,

You can do whatever you want! Did you know that you can literally do whatever you want at all times? If you want a man but you don’t want a man in your bed, we are grownups and that is allowed. It’s not the norm, but it is allowed. I will cut to the chase a little bit: Not wanting to sleep in a bed with a man is not preventing you from meeting a romantic partner, nor will it ever prevent you from meeting the right partner for you. I imagine someone you’d have a successful relationship with probably doesn’t want to share a bed, either.

The thing about having so much of your own space as a single person, particularly those of us who are single long-term, is that the idea of someday having to accommodate another person in spaces you’ve learned to love alone is a brand new mental hurdle. It’s also a kick in the shins! You mean to tell me I did all this reframing to love my singlehood and one of the side effects is I’m deeply committed to my personal space? Damn.

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#165, June 9th, 2026

Hey Shani,

Are you ever sad that you might be alone forever? I’m about the same age as you, I’ve been single for nine years, and I feel like it just isn’t going to happen, not because it’s too late or anything, but just because everything is so bleak and it never seems to get better. It actually gets worse! So what that probably means for me is that I’m always going to be alone. Does this ever bother you?

Hey You,

From time to time, of course it bothers me. I’m a human being, I experience loneliness, desire, and an over-abundance of solitude just like any other single person would. There are moments that feel uncomfortable, because I don’t think the idea of never getting something you want sits well with anyone, not even someone who reframes for a living. Yes, from time to time I feel sad because there is a genuine possibility that I’m going to be alone always. I’m able to feel calm and content with my life regardless, and I think allowing myself these occasional sad moments guilt-free absolutely contributes to my current happiness. I don’t dwell on this stuff the way I used to, and that’s the biggest difference reframing singlehood has made for me.

Anyone can meet someone and fall in love at any time, but we’re not living in an era where people are meeting at all. So being alone forever is very much a possibility. On occasion, I feel sad about the idea of being alone indefinitely. But since being alone indefinitely isn’t inherently sad, I’m actually fine with it babe.

Make no mistake: I don’t think my ship has sailed. I’m not too old to fall in love, or too ugly to fall in love, I don’t even think I’m too publicly an advocate for singles to fall in love—I don’t even think that is scaring them away. I think we’re all living in a time of deep disconnection, and internalizing external factors puts a huge amount of responsibility on singles when we have no control over what we’re blaming ourselves for.

You can’t take forever all in one bite, it’s too big. Of course it feels overwhelming and scary to ponder the idea of being alone for the rest of your life. That’s a scary thought! It’s also, in my experience, a waste of our time. Most worrying in advance usually is. Fears about the future often lead to forced relationships that were formed out of panic, and I think you have to ask yourself if panic is really the best headspace to be in when selecting a partner for this “forever” that you’re worried about.

Whatever we think we know about the future, whatever we plan for, the future has a mind of its own and very rarely factors in our preferences. We can “decide” that we’re going to be single forever and then meet the love of our lives a year later. We can date until we’re on our last shreds of sanity and never meet anyone at all. There are no rules or logical outcomes here, and instead of only applying that to the sadness of potentially never meeting anyone, why not use that to our advantage instead? If there are no certainties, why do I have to assume I’ll be alone forever? Why can’t I assume something more balanced instead of automatically assuming the worst?

I’ll take it even further: If I am alone forever, why is that a sad thing? Why am I not allowed to recognize that I’m content and happy today, so if I never meet anyone, I’ll just…keep going? Honestly that doesn’t sound bad! We’ve had terrible imagery of “old maids” and sad little old ladies burned into our brains since we were kids, and those messages were very intentional. The world needs women to think that life alone is sad, so that we’ll settle just to avoid being alone. There was never anything sad about being alone, but that has to be a secret, or the whole planet would be full of women frolicking together, forming micro communities, enjoying book clubs and going on adventures. Happy single women are a threat to patriarchal, capitalistic norms. Single women need to be miserable for patriarchy to thrive. I love disappointing the patriarchy.

One last thing: The acceptance and contentment I have with my singlehood have nothing to do with “giving up.” I haven’t decided I’m going to be alone forever, I have decided I’m not going to be miserable forever. I quit dating, but not because I was defeated by dating culture. I found happiness in my singlehood, and there’s a distinct difference. Anyone who has lived through dating culture knows that “giving up” isn’t a single woman’s failure. It’s the best possible decision she can make for her mental health, her wellbeing, and in my opinion her future.

If we can look ahead at a lifetime of singlehood and think we know what’s going to happen, if we can assume we’re going to be single forever without any concrete proof of that, then why can’t we also choose to assume we’ll be happy forever, too? We have no idea what’s going to happen, so why do we default to being sad? There will always be tough emotions, but in my experience a happy, fully lived singlehood makes the tough emotions more temporary. I don’t think there’s a need to never experience sadness, but once I gave myself a single life I loved, my sadness learned it had a safe, joyful place to return to.

I don’t know anything about forever, except that I’m not afraid of it.

xo

Shani

Send your questions to heyshanisubstack@gmail.com.

My new book, What If We Never Get Married, A Happily Ever Answer, is available now.

#164, June 2nd, 2026

Hey Shani,

Am I crazy or do men not actually like women at all? Every story I hear, any time I match with someone, it’s like men are waiting around for women to prove we’re worth their time? It feels like men don’t actually like women anymore, and they have to be convinced to treat one like a human being. What is this?!

Hey You,

You’re not crazy, the culture is. And you’re right: I don’t think men like women, either. I think heterosexual men view women as a chore and a burden because they’re comparing connecting with real human women to the ease of access they can get from fake women on their phones. While that’s happening, they’re absorbing the voices of toxic, celebrated men in society who do very little apart from convincing men that women are the source of all of their problems even though we literally have nothing to do with these people. Remember something: Women didn’t turn the whole world into one giant streamlined, optimized, digitized hack—men did. They can’t hack human women, and as a result we’re just too much work.

I think if men had less access to the aspects of relationships with women that they enjoy (sex, service, convenience, attention, which they can get entirely from their phones these days), then I think we’d see more men curious about women instead of standing in opposition to us. If their orgasms, connections, and conversations are all coming from their phones, I can see how an IRL woman would be intimidating to the point where they’d use the bravado of entitlement to protect their egos from having to make an effort and risk rejection. I don’t think men like women, and rather than ask ourselves how we can become more likable, I’d prefer that we do literally anything else.

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#163, May 26th, 2026

Hey Shani,

I read an interesting article about the regret that this woman felt at 41, for prioritizing her career over love and motherhood. And when I saw the comments blaming these women and saying they were lied to, I felt saddened and a little angry. I don't feel like I was lied to, I’m grateful I have work and can pay my bills, even if it means I live paycheck to paycheck sometimes. I have a lot more thoughts on this matter, but I'd love to know what you think.

Original Article

Facebook post about the article that was shared with me, with comments

Hey You,

I thought the article was interesting, and I almost expect to see similar ones routinely published at this point. “Women aren’t having babies!” is the jump-scare du jour, and they’ll always find a way to blame women for it. This time it’s “She was too focused on her career,” that old chestnut. I’m going to focus my answer on the article’s subject matter, as opposed to the Facebook post that featured it and the comments that used it as an invitation to spout religious propaganda to pressure women, particularly young women, into having children. We know what actually happens to women who are coerced, pressured, or flat-out forced to have children when they’re young, particularly via religious control. I won’t debate an argument that routinely proves itself wrong and then ignores its own history.

I’d like to focus on the idea of not having children, not because you chose a childfree life, but because it’s the life that played out for you. By now I think we all know that there are plenty of different pathways to parenthood, as well as different pathways to a life without children. As a society we need to be able to hold space in our hearts and communities for every outcome, because each one is valid. What we cannot do is continue to believe or perpetuate the idea that someone “forgot” to have children because she was “too focused on her career.” That bullshit must die.

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#162, May 19th, 2026

Hey Shani,

I know the discourse on singlehood is changing, and that’s a GOOD thing. I love that people are reframing, and we’re not seeing the same amount of single shaming that we used to. While all of this is happening, while we’re celebrating singlehood finally, I still want a partner. I feel kind of wrong or guilty for not being able to just walk away from these feelings. Suddenly it’s cool to not have a partner but I still want one, is that bad?

Hey You,

No, your authentic feelings are not bad, they’re just retreating behind the fear of other people’s reactions. When you think about it, your desire for a partner now isn’t that different from what single women have always experienced: Whatever we feel, it’s the wrong thing. You don’t need to feel guilty or embarrassed for wanting companionship, affection, love, or all three. Human feelings don’t follow trends, and you don’t have to either.

Singlehood is seeing a surge in positive messaging, new narratives, and a beautiful reduction in shame that I’m absolutely ecstatic to see. Why did I speak and write about singlehood in a reframed way if singlehood wasn’t going to actually get reframed? This is good news! At the same time, social narratives, especially those on social media, tend to adopt an all-or-nothing attitude, and heaven help you if you put one digital foot out of line. There is nothing wrong with wanting a partner, but in the current social climate it can feel embarrassing to admit it. Seeing as how five minutes ago the embarrassing part of singlehood was simply being single, I’m not going to keep quiet. If we’re cool with singlehood now, we’re going to be cool with everyone’s experience of it, or what was the fucking point?

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#161, May 12th, 2026

Hey Shani,

I know I’m not the only one looking at the news, basically every day, and getting more and more angry at everything men do to women. What’s frustrating for me is that there doesn’t seem to be any solution here. Men are awful but they’re also the only people I’m attracted to! I’m not an asexual person and it feels like these days the only way to have any peace is to not want anybody at all. I don’t think that’s realistic for me. Help?

Hey You,

Being attracted to straight men is starting to feel like an affliction. And while there’s camaraderie in rejecting the behaviors and actions of men collectively, and public statements declaring we’re “choosing” singlehood feel good in the moment, it’s the moments after that I’m concerned with. The moments when you’re alone, and it’s quiet, and you once again feel very human feelings: Desire. Romantic loneliness. Anger. And the all-encompassing frustration and confusion that result from knowing other people’s lives get to include safe, loving companionship, and yours might be one that never does.

You have nothing to “heal” here. I don’t think anyone ever needs to change who they are, or stop feeling their natural feelings, in order to live a life that doesn’t hurt all the time. If you’re a straight woman and you feel romantic and sexual desire for straight men, that’s…a completely normal part of being alive. What’s abnormal are all the ways we’re seeing men disregard the safety and peace of women for their own pleasure, and all the ways we’ve always seen men view women in roles of service rather than partnership. The choices of men are what’s abnormal. You’re still attracted to men because headlines don’t change who we want. If only it were that easy.

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#161, May 5th, 2026

Hey Shani,

My younger sister is getting married. She just set the date. To be clear, I am of course happy for her and want nothing but the best for her. And also, I am kind of dreading it. I have been single more or less for my entire adult life (I'm 38 now). I am anxious about being the older, single one around all those family members who have not done the reframing I've done. I feel all my old internal thought patterns coming back that I've worked so hard to reframe. Things like: I have failed, I'll never find love, there's something wrong with me, etc. I'm struggling to not compare our lives, which are very different. It's just one day and I'll get through it, but I do feel as though I'll be white knuckling through and pretending to be okay when a large part of me is struggling. I want to find love too and so far it has been absent. Celebrating hers, which I know has nothing to do with me, makes me fear I'll never find my version of it. How have you gotten to a place where you are genuinely happy for your people who find love? I don't like feeling these feelings (shame, jealousy, fear), and yet, there they are. What do you do with all of these ambivalent feelings?

Hey You,

We are human beings capable of a full range of emotions, and there is absolutely nothing about singlehood that condemns you to a life of jealousy. Yes, you can be genuinely happy for other people. It’s possible for singles—who have been raised by society to only notice what we lack when we see others find it—to feel joy on someone else’s behalf that doesn’t require an internal pep talk first. Just because we were raised with jealousy narratives, that doesn’t mean those are the only ones available to us. How dare anyone or anything limit us in that way?

Over the years I’ve told single women that I release feelings of jealousy or comparison by remembering that what happens to other people has nothing to do with me, and I still mean it. This isn’t about you. It’s about someone else, and you don’t have to be happy for every person on earth who finds love all at the same time. We have a terrible habit of assuming that every time someone falls in love, the probability that we’ll fall in love decreases by a disproportionate amount. As if when a man is taken off the market, 10,000 other men are, too. Babe, there is no market.

The reason I know you can do this is that you want to. The intention and the desire are there. I love that, because it means you know there’s more to single life than just feeling terrible and jealous all the time. That’s pretty huge from my perspective, especially when you think of how little encouragement single women get unless we’re being encouraged to find a partner. We deserve more depth, and you understand that. The rest is easier than you think, and the first thing I’d suggest is anchoring yourself firmly in reality. Because if there’s one thing that loves to worm its way into single women’s thoughts and feelings, it’s some bullshit.

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#160, April 28th, 2026

Today’s topic was left in the comments section of this post. I thought it posed such an accurate and simultaneously perplexing picture of what’s going on in dating culture at the moment, I wanted to offer my thoughts.

Hey Shani,

God, I’m so glad that someone is saying it: dating *should* be fun, and it isn’t. I date women so I can say for certain that it’s a bigger issue than the patriarchy: it’s people who have changed. We’ve become less willing to expend any kind of effort on a stranger, even if the goal of that effort is to have a fun conversation and a potentially good date. I’m not even talking about the effort that it takes to make a relationship good. So many people can’t be bothered to *text* you in a meaningful way. It’s a lot of one-word messages and flat replies, and an utter lack of curiosity to the point I’ve recently started wondering if most people have inner lives at all. How can that be fun? It’s barely even tolerable. It makes me pessimistic about humanity at large. And I don’t enjoy being pessimistic.

Hey You,

You aren’t imagining this. Social apathy has extended its icy claw and gripped dating culture so tightly that we may never free ourselves from the fruitless struggle. Dramatic? Yes. I just thought you might like to read something more verbose than “lol” or “yeah” for a change. Dating is in free fall, it’s no longer a culture of potential, it’s a culture of disappointment, animosity, frustration, and uselessness. Remember how important it is that you noticed and questioned it. You don’t seem like someone who’s just going to let social apathy slide. I like that.

It’s not my job or yours to identify all the causes of social apathy and the willful distance human beings are creating between ourselves. I can assure you that neither you nor I had a hand in it. All that’s left for us to do is manage the resulting side effects of what greed, relentless “streamlining,” and convenience culture have done to human brains, and by default human actions. We should want to invest in each other, and I think what we’re seeing now is a reluctance to do so because we’ve already done it so much with such poor results that we no longer see the point. Honestly, most of the time I think if we all came into contact with fewer people, if we’d swiped less, gone on fewer dates, and had cognitive awareness of far fewer people that we’re not attracted to than dating apps and dating culture have allowed, we’d be more likely to put forth effort with someone new. Now I think we anticipate things going nowhere, because nowhere is where things have been programmed to go.

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#159, April 21st, 2026

Hey Shani,

I am single and 37, and I don’t have kids because I haven’t found someone to have them with and I don’t want to be a single parent. Why is the go-to comment from friends and family always, “I wish I was single” or “Being a parent isn’t all it’s cracked up to be,” or comments about how I should enjoy my freedom? It’s almost like if you don’t want something, people try to convince you to do it, but if you do want something and can’t get it, suddenly it’s not that great?

Hey You,

If you’re starting to feel like literally everything said to single women is bullshit, you’re right. First of all, I’m sorry that you haven’t found someone to have children with, I know this happens more often than most people realize and it will never be fair. I’m sorry for any frustration you’re currently feeling, it sounds to me like you’re also getting other people’s projections, and it would be better if you could simply be seen and loved instead.

When you hear statements like these that dismiss your feelings in an attempt to change your mind, I don’t think the statements were intended to ignore or deflect away from your current reality. I think people who do this think they’re helping you, by offering some sort of inside knowledge that they assume you’ve never heard of before. People like to feel smart, and they also don’t like to see people they love in disappointing situations. They offer these (often conflicting) platitudes because we’ve been socialized to believe they’re helpful. There is however a point at which we can’t forgive statements that hurt our feelings with our silence and smiles anymore, because we are fucking exhausted.

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#158, April 14th, 2026

Hey Shani,

This is niche, but why does astrology hate single people? Every app, every IG account, any time they’re speaking to single people specifically, all they want to say is something about meeting somebody and literally never anything else. “This is a great time to meet someone new” or something that gets our hopes up for no reason. The only things they have to say us are about meeting partners, and we never meet them! I’ve been reading the same things over and over again for years I feel like I’m losing it lol.

Hey You,

If astrology doesn’t hate single people, then it’s just never bothered to get to know us very well. You’re right, it is maddening. Any time astrology speaks to single people (which honestly doesn’t happen often from my perspective, most of the time it offers insight into existing relationships) it’s only ever to tell us about a planetary shift or alignment that’s conducive to meeting someone new. I’ve been seeing that on repeat for as many years as I’ve been single and I’ve never met anyone when astrology said conditions were favorable to.

So where does that leave us, those of us who do follow astrology, not for predicting the future because it can’t do that, but instead for overall energetic guidance and strategy? The party line is a reminder that astrology is for “entertainment purposes only,” right? That always felt like a copout to me. In my opinion it’s arrogant to look at astrology and call bullshit on all of it, because as human beings I think it’s nuts to look at this planet, this solar system, and this universe and assume we mere mortals know everything. I do think there’s merit to it, but singles always seem to be an afterthought. I think astrology is doing what the rest of the world is doing. It’s assuming single people only care about one thing: not being single anymore.

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#157, April 7th, 2026

Hey Shani,

I really like my therapist, but when it comes to dating stuff I feel like she’s out of touch. Every time I tell her something that happened on a dating app, etc., she gives me dating advice, or brings the focus back to me and what I could have done differently. Being aware of how I’m showing up in dating is fair, but I didn’t create this hellscape! How do I bring her up to speed so that I can stop feeling like everything is my fault?!

Hey You,

The fun part is that you already know everything’s not your fault. I’m so glad that this situation feels off to you and that you’re not simply internalizing everything you’re “doing wrong” which is pretty much what we’re trained to do. That’s not happening, that’s excellent! You’re not walking out of a therapy session (of all things) feeling even more burdened by singlehood. At the same time, it doesn’t seem fair that you need to educate your therapist on this topic or risk being misunderstood in a situation where you’re paying not to be.

You’re right, when you’re going through the difficulties of dating culture, you are most certainly not causing them. I’d go further and say that when it comes to dating, very little is actually your fault, or ever within your control to begin with. I am a big fan of licensed, qualified, accountable mental health care. But I am still frequently let down when single women tell me that if they discuss dating struggles with their therapists, they actually leave feeling worse.

There is a gap in the way single women are viewed by those around us, including by our therapists. The people who observe us only see us, they don’t see the machine that’s running the place where we’re trying to find partnership. They literally think we’re just that bad at dating, because they’ve never had to experience the bigger picture for themselves. We are not bad at dating when dating itself is the thing that’s bad. Yes, therapists know far more than we do about mental healthcare, they went to school for it. But you have also had an education, on a topic they often know very little about.

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#156, March 31st, 2026

Hey Shani,

After I turned 30, I started getting these targeted ads for egg freezing. And I'm still getting them in my mid 30s. At this point, it's starting to feel downright predatory. Why can't the fertility industry simply allow women to ask their own doctors about this, instead of mass targeting ads to 20-30 something year old women who might not need or want it? I've looked into the risks and costs of fertility treatments such as IVF, and i just don't see it as worth it. I don't want to have children without a husband. I need that commitment and for someone to help me first before I'm ready for that. I have accepted that I may not get married or have children in my lifetime. And if I do get married later in life and my fertility wanes, I'm open to the idea of fostering and adoptions. I'm happy with the primary goal of family reunification first, and prefer the idea of adopting a small sibling group of 2-3 children with a husband should the need arise. Seems way less risky, more affordable than egg freezing and IVF. But that may be just me. I'd love to know what do you think about the fertility industry and these targeted ads?

Hey You,

It’s about money, and I’m sorry that other people’s greed is imposing itself into your life. The fertility industry and everyone who benefits from it financially are using single women’s fear, and the reality of modern dating culture, to glean as much money as they can from women who are terrified they’ll get too old to have a baby. The fertility industry is walking across dating culture’s battlefield like a vulture and taking whatever it can from the emotions left behind.

This is a topic to discuss by choice with your own medical professional, it’s not a topic that should be casually plastered in public forums, digital and IRL. I’m sorry that these ads have permeated your reality for so long. It’s an unfairness, the fact that if we’re human women, we don’t really have a choice about how often fertility services are marketed to us. Marketing and capitalism don’t care what decisions we’ve already made for ourselves. They don’t care if their services are too expensive for people living on single incomes, they don’t mind activating people’s emotions, and it’s okay with them if you’re sick of seeing their ads—they’ll repeat their ads to you, over and over again, until you panic—that’s the strategy. Congratulations on not panicking. You beat ‘em.

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#155, March 24th, 2026

Hey Shani,

This is an uncomfortable question, but how do you respond when your married friends are jealous of your singleness? I don’t think my friends are actually thinking about getting divorced, but just little comments they make sometimes about how “lucky” I am don’t sit well with me. I’m okay with being single but I’d still really love to have someone. I’m not sure what to say?

Hey You,

When someone who is single and would love partnership encounters someone who is married and jealous of singlehood, things can get weird! Honestly what are you supposed to say to them apart from “get divorced,” which will inevitably be met with 1000 reasons why they’re not going to, or a limp attempt to convince you they were just kidding? While I wish we could all just acknowledge the pros and cons inherent in every situation, it does take some boldness to look a single person in the eye and regret your marriage.

It’s not an uncomfortable question from my perspective, but I’m sure it’s an uncomfortable position to find yourself in. I’d much rather we talk about it in a safe space for singles rather than just smiling through it in real life. Real life is often the safe space for couples, which is why they get away with saying things like this. Your friends shouldn’t dismiss the valid desires for partnership that you have by suggesting you’re lucky that you’re single. I think it’s bothering you because it’s really fucking insulting.

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#154, March 17th, 2026

Hey Shani,

I’m so tired of hearing that nothing’s going to happen for me until I “heal my trauma.” Honestly nobody’s life or childhood was perfect, and I’m so sick of the idea that I’m single because I haven’t “healed” enough. What’s enough?! Like what is the right amount? I call bullshit!

Hey You,

I call bullshit, too. Trauma is a big, broad word. I personally don’t have the proper training to put language around it, and I think many of us are in the same boat. Everyone’s going to have their own understanding and perspective when it comes to what they’ve experienced. What we’re not going to do is talk about single people like they’re broken, when we know precisely how many factors are at play in real life that are actively preventing people from connecting—to say nothing of the factors that are making relationships look less and less desirable. I’m really sick of pompous know-it-alls blaming things inside of single people’s minds and hearts, as though they can see inside of us. Also…“heal?” Doesn’t that sound like yet another endlessly chaseable goal to you? Last I checked, we don’t fall for that shit anymore.

When someone says this to you, it isn’t wisdom; it’s a bad-mannered attempt at self importance. I think people tell you that you’re single because you haven’t “healed enough” because they literally have nothing else to fucking say.

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#153, March 10th, 2026

Hey Shani,

How do we process the realization that our own family—especially older women like our mothers or aunts—may have blamed our singlehood, or our history with the “wrong” men, on our aesthetic choices? I’ve started to notice a pattern: my mom and her sister seem to believe that if I had stayed “cultured” in their sense—classical music, polite literature, highbrow everything—I might have met a more “suitable” man by now. They would never say it outright, but I felt it loud and clear when my aunt mailed me the complete works of Jane Austen, like a veiled prescription to fix my life.

The implication is: if I had avoided hip hop shows, cannabis culture, or the messiness of street-level joy, I might have been married with a mortgage by now. But I’m a woman who loves BOTH freestyle cyphers in the park AND Tchaikovsky in the concert hall. I’m not confused about my values—they are.

So my questions are:

How do we protect our self-worth when the people who raised us quietly disapprove of how we’ve chosen to move through the world?

How do we hold the line on being whole—especially when we’re being subtly punished for not being “refined” enough to deserve love?

Hey You,

When I read your email I initially thought, she needs to pitch this to Netflix! There’s a story here. First let’s acknowledge you, and your success. Many, many people would cling to the idea that their family is right, simply because their family is speaking. You could have internalized their narrow view of relationships and attraction, assuming that they were correct and that your own interests and preferences are keeping you single. That’s really easy to do and incredibly common, because we’re raised by our families to trust our families. The hard part—the REALLY hard part—is defying them. You took an important pause, reflected on what makes you authentically you, and knew to prioritize your authenticity over family’s limiting beliefs.

You already know that your tastes and interests aren’t keeping you single, they’re keeping you authentic. And the elephant in the room that I’m always so shocked our families can’t see: Don’t you think the right person for you would have tastes complimentary to yours? I mean really, what is your family asking you to do? Lie about what you like so that someone will marry you? Does that sound like the foundation of lasting love? Everyone is cultured. Isn’t it funny how that word can be weaponized to mean that only one version of culture is “good?”

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#152, March 3rd, 2026

Hey Shani,

There’s this spokeswoman [who I follow], and while we both share some similar beliefs, the way she puts down pet parents irks me to no end. I have two cats, and they don’t contribute to the declining birthrate! I’m just single. Pets brought comfort and happiness to my brother and his wife while they struggled for 13 years of infertility to have a baby. I wish she wouldn’t put down couples who don’t want kids, but own pets. Can you post something in defense of our furry/scaly/feathered friends and those of us who care for them?

Hey You,

I SURE CAN. Anyone who takes time out of their day to push people to make new people is a loser. We don’t get to tell other people what to do with their bodies, households, and futures, period. Any discourse I see about the declining birthrate that blames anything other than the declining economy, lack of resources for parents, and the gaping connection chasm created by the greed of the dating industry is 100% wrong. They are trying to deflect your attention away from real problems by getting you to worry about fake ones.

Anyone who spews bile about pet parents because they think people want pets as an alternative to children is weird. They’re just weird. They’re not entitled to see their preferred version of life lived out by all people on earth. I’m not sure when it became so unfathomable for people to separate wanting pets and wanting children as two entirely different things, but here we are. Having pets is simply a decision made for a household as determined by the people within it. It’s literally no one’s business and doesn’t hurt anyone either, and associating it with the declining birthrate is ridiculous. Pet parents? Really? That’s who we’re shitting on?

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#151, February 24th, 2026

Hey Shani,

It’s like a running joke now, the number of times my friends and I say we want to live like the Golden Girls, but it isn’t funny to me. Realistically, there’s a good chance I’ll never find someone, and I’m really thinking about what’s going to happen to me when I get older. I don’t want to be lonely, and I don’t want to assume that the only way to not be lonely is with a man, but I’m worried my friends don’t REALLY want to live together. I’m afraid it’s a joke to them or like a fantasy. Is it really possible to do this and if so, how?

Hey You,

Yes. I think communal living is absolutely possible. I just don’t think it’s popular, socially approved, or easy. When I speak about how we live in a world built for couples I sincerely mean that. Capitalism and patriarchy have worked very hard to build and cement systems into place that reward those in romantic partnerships, and punish those who aren’t. If they’re not punishing us financially with higher bills, then they’re certainly punishing us socially. Even with everything we know about marriage and families, we’re still only celebrating those who fall in love and fall in line, while we ostracize and shame those who weren’t lucky enough to fall in love with a decent human being. Circumventing that bullshit by cohabitating with the coolest women you know seems like the very least we can do.

The Golden Girls lifestyle appeals to us I think because it’s the idea of shared resources, companionship, safety, and zero fucking men. I mean…this could be a theme park! The hard part about it, and perhaps the one we’re most uncomfortable addressing, is that living like the Golden Girls does involve a shitload of commitment, too. We don’t have many social narratives in place for committing to our friends. Especially if we’re worried that one day one of those friends will meet someone. Remember, Golden Girls ended when Dorothy got married.

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#150, February 17th, 2026

Hey Shani,

I’ve heard you talk about being “happy while single” for a long time, and I’m a little embarrassed to admit that I don’t know what it means. I want to find love, I want my person, and it’s so unfair that no matter what I do I don’t get to have these things. I don’t know how to be happy while I’m single because what would make me happy is living my life with someone. Are some women just unable to be happy by themselves because what they really want is someone else?

Hey You,

We choose our own perspectives. It’s one of the things I rely on the most in my singlehood reframing, the ability to choose how I see the world. Just as I choose to see my singlehood as freedom, and protection against the wrong partners, other women are allowed to see it as holding them back from the life they want for themselves. Neither of us are wrong.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a partner. There is nothing wrong with being sad that you don’t have one. If you are unhappily single that is your honest truth and I don’t think you have “work to do” or anything, I just want you to know you have options. For too long, women have believed in a binary state: either married and happy, or single and miserable, and I think our own feelings about singlehood have largely reflected that. If you were never told or shown that a happy singlehood was even a real thing, how would you know to pursue it? Additionally, you don’t have to pursue it. You’re allowed your authentic feelings about your singlehood and you don’t have to change how you feel about it at all. But since I’m the one you emailed, and I’m pretty vocal about how singlehood is actually wonderful, let me get a little more clear and direct about what wonderful means.

Many times when I connect with a single woman who is unhappy, it’s because she’s still waiting. She’s still living her life in waiting, not allowing herself to fully exist until she has a partner. Essentially, she’s waiting for her life to start because to her, it hasn’t yet. I have a lot of empathy for women in this position, I used to be one, but since I no longer am, I feel that I have an obligation to help people learn to stop waiting for what is already theirs.

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#149, February 10th, 2026

Hey Shani,

Why aren’t men kind? I’m not trying to be funny, I’m genuinely asking why it never occurs to ME to ignore text messages, give one-word responses, and ghost after dating for three months, but that’s all men ever do? Why are they so rude to single women? What’s in it for them, really?

Hey You,

Freedom. The same thing that’s in it for you. Only your freedom is acquired through self-worth and reframing, and theirs is acquired through asshole behavior. Men are afraid of real connection with women because they feel that connection comes with responsibility, and they’re scared of responsibility. They don’t like being obligated to women for anything. They’ll say it’s a financial thing but really, they don’t even think they owe us manners, which are free. The faster and more abruptly they run, the less they owe us. In their minds.

The difference between women’s desire for partnership and men’s repulsion to it, despite the fact that relationships increase men’s quality of life and decrease women’s quality of life, is a fundamental reason why men continue to think this shit is okay. They assume women want relationships more than they do, and therefore they can manipulate that desire to their advantage. The issue there is: Men need relationships more than women do. A single 30-something woman is thriving in a beautiful home with a roster of quality friends and several hobbies and interests, and there’s no reason that ever needs to change. A 30-something man currently sleeping his way through his city, lying and leading on to his heart’s content, will one day be a 60-something man living alone in a barely furnished apartment with filthy sheets, crusty floors, and a trashcan full of takeout containers because he had every opportunity, he wasted them all, and he ran out of time and hairline. I’m tired of pretending like women are somehow the ones missing out.

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#148, February 3rd, 2026

Hey Shani,

What’s going on with the constant need to pathologize women’s preferences? I see this a lot on social media, where pseudo-experts blame singlehood on women’s inability to choose the right partner. Unfortunately, these have spilled into everyday conversation. Things like:

“You must be picking unavailable men (because deep down you are scared of a happy relationship)”

“You need to do more work on yourself (as if Prince Charming will appear on your doorstep after you’ve clocked enough hours of therapy)”

“Deep down must be avoidant”

“You MUST be ignoring red flags”

This pathologizes women’s preferences and trains people to constantly analyze and doubt who and what they are attracted to. For example, I like men who are on a similar ‘wavelength’ mentally and intellectually because these things are deeply important to me and I need someone who will understand that I have these interests and even share some of them with me. I’ve been told multiple times that’s an issue and that men like that are trouble.

Hey You,

We need to stop diagnosing single women, period. That’s been true for awhile, but it really began when people figured out they could make a lot of money and grow huge followings just by taking advantage of single women’s hope. Further, they found that if they told single women all sorts of reasons why they’re single, regardless of whether or not those reasons are true (they’re not), they could create new vulnerabilities in women and get those women to buy every product and service they’re selling. Telling single women what’s wrong with them is very good for business. I know this because I tell single women there’s nothing wrong with them and I’ve never achieved anything close to the success of an Instagram dating coach.

Everyone knows what’s wrong with single women and they have an endless content calendar to prove it. What’s always struck me is that if someone’s talking about dating and singlehood, they’re speaking almost exclusively to single women. But the single women who are following them are quite often interested in relationships with men. So we have two sides of a coin but the content only ever lands on tails. Voices who speak up about dating are apparently cool with just ignoring the behavior of men, without diagnosing them with flaws or “patterns” or reasons why they are single, but they’ll pick women apart until we second guess every thought in our heads. Women are doing 10,000 things wrong and that’s why we can’t “find a man,” but men are single because [checks notes] it’s all women’s fault? Mkay. Let’s release some stress here: They do it for money.

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