Each of her heavy steps provided an accompanying thump that vibrated the hardwood floor.

Thump, swish, thump, swish.

Lying on my yoga mat, I was meant to be meditating.

“She must have been at least 8 minutes late,” I seethed as she stomped past me to collect her props.

I tried to check my hypocrisy, reminding myself of my frequent tardiness in both life and occasionally yoga.

“At least when I’m late, I have the decency to be quiet,” a self-righteous voice chimed in.

I strived to listen to the instructor as he encouraged us to release our expectations about how class should go, reminding us that it was ok if a car alarm went off or folks arrived late.

It was all part of the practice.

I resolved to focus on my own, but it didn’t last.

As I took 5 deep breaths in downward dog, I once again regarded my classmate with disdain.

In a room packed with students with their heads down and hips high in the air, she was casually rolling her shoulders and standing tall, protruding in the room like an obelisk with a black ponytail.

“Why come to a yoga class if you’re just going to do whatever you want?” I raged silently.

Part of yoga and meditation is noticing the patterns of the mind.

Yesterday, my mind was in a nasty state.

I catalogued her transgressions as though each of her movements were a personal affront.

I wondered, “What is it about this woman that is activating me?”

Perhaps it was that she was so free.

She prioritized fulfilling her own desires, even if those desires were slightly disruptive to the rest of the class… or at least me.

I’ve attended this class multiple times a week for over a year, and I don’t think I’ve ever varied meaningfully from the instructor’s flow.

My instinct toward being a “good student” arises despite the teacher’s explicit instructions to the contrary.

He welcomes us to take variations on the flow he’s leading, telling us that, “Yoga is traditionally a solitary practice that we just so happen to do in a group.”

My rigidity toward my fellow yoga student was all of my own making. These were artificial rules that I’d created for myself, secretly demanding the other 40 students in the class adhere to them too.

But these rules aren’t serving me, and they don’t align with my values.

“Name your needs” is a phrase I use frequently with coaching clients, reminding them to notice what they need and seek it out.

It’s a framework I’ve strived to employ for over a decade in my own life, a practice that sometimes feels aspirational given my instincts toward overcompliance.

Here I was watching my fellow yogi model what I espouse: she was naming her needs and meeting them. I renamed the resentment I was feeling: it was envy.

There was a longing in me that she evoked, a desire to hold onto the practice a little less tightly. To flow with both the poses and my own desires.

Moving forward, my goal in yoga is to tune into my body and my own experience, to listen to my muscles and my mind and adjust my practice accordingly. Maybe I need to roll my shoulders or spend a little extra time in a low lunge.

I’m sure someone in class will irritate me, and I’ll think to myself, “the audacity!!!” But I refuse to stoke the flames of resentment. Instead, I’ll strive to notice the patterns of my mind, as chaotic as they may be.

There’s almost always something useful in the noticing.

With love,
Lelia

Trust Yourself To Try:

• What upcoming opportunities do you have to name your needs?

• What resentments or patterns of the mind do you notice coming up? How might you reframe them?

My mom and I had walked into a Magazine Street shop in search of an outfit for my SuperBloom Party, which was only a few days away.

While I was looking forward to the event, my outfit had been a persistent source of stress.

For the last several years, I’ve struggled to find clothes that feel like “me.” My body has changed shapes and sizes, and my sense of self has continued to evolve as I’ve gotten older.

I keep asking myself: How do I want to feel in my clothes? How do I want to be perceived?

Each day, I find it exhausting to decide what clothes to put on this human form of mine.

For the party, I wanted to feel vibrant and on-theme. I knew I could find something vaguely floral from my closet, but nothing felt right until I saw the mannequin.

The bright colors of the floral print dress aligned perfectly with what I envisioned myself wearing as I publicly announced my new business, Strategic Vacations.

The dress was particularly perfect because it was from SchweiStyle, my client and friend Katharine Schweighardt’s vintage business. Beyond the aesthetics, the dress felt like an embodiment of my vision for Strategic Vacations and the impact my coaching practice could have.

Katharine and I met years ago in the bathroom at a friend’s wedding. She had a gorgeous tiger brooch and a delightful sense of style that immediately evoked conversation.

I’d soon learn that she was burned out, having spent years in operations for a charter school network. She became a coaching client, working with me in a variety of formats over many years.

Fast forward to today, and she describes SchweiStyle as, “A secret dream that never felt truly possible.”

She’s made that dream a reality and you can now buy SchweiStyle at The Good Shop, at The Columns Hotel, and on Etsy.

Remembering our conversations about her style choices and aesthetics, I shared that throughout our work together, it felt like a vintage business had always been a twinkle in her eye.

She told me, “I have been preparing for years for this, long before I was able to articulate it aloud to someone.” She went on to say, “Any time I’m in your orbit, I’m pushed and inspired about what’s possible.”

Katharine has a gift for finding beautiful, wearable vintage and for giving women permission to make bold style choices.

It’s been exquisite to see her grow SchweiStyle and her impact, and it was a particular treat to surprise her at the SuperBloom Party wearing a dress she’d sourced.

The dress made me feel like my body was wrapped in my client and friend’s success. I felt emboldened and confident.

Huge thanks to Katharine for the outfit and to the 50 people who attended the SuperBloom party. It was unforgettable.

With such love,
Lelia

Katharine’s post on LinkedIn about our work together was deeply meaningful to me. I’m thrilled to share it here with her permission.

“I am forever grateful for the impact that working with Lelia has had — and continues to have — on my life and career.

Lelia is the kind of thought partner who truly gets it: the overwhelm, the pivots, the ambition, the messy middle, all of it.

She’s also insanely joyful and really fun to be with.

Lelia provided the space to think about my different identities and experiences and recognize what opportunities I have now.

Working with her has helped me feel more grounded, clear, and confident in seasons of transition and growth.

I highly, highly recommend connecting with Lelia if you’re a woman at a crossroads, feeling overwhelmed, or looking for someone who can help you move forward with both strategy and heart.

- Katharine Schweighardt

Curious about working together? I’d sincerely love to have a free 30-minute conversation. No prep needed. Bring your messy middle. :)

CHAT WITH ME

Trust Yourself to Try

• Do you feel like your clothes match your current identity?

• Which outfit in your closet embodies your next chapter? Why?

After over a decade as a clarity coach for women* at risk of burnout, I realized something needed to shift.

I kept seeing the same pattern: a client would have a phenomenal revelation in session… and then go straight into her next meeting, her overflowing inbox, and constant stimulation.

At best, maybe she’d think about our conversation while washing her hair.

There was no moment for them to process or have big ideas.

To put coaching breakthroughs into practice, you need time and space to integrate.

I decided I wanted to build an experience to disrupt the constant noise, to allow clients to feel deeply supported and dream big.

So, I created Strategic Vacations: highly personalized one-on-one coaching retreats for purpose-driven women.

Each retreat offers a powerful reset, from 1 to 4 days, virtually or in-person here in New Orleans.

Strategic Vacations provide substantive support for clients to reconnect to their purpose and find clarity so they can do their work sustainably.

As one client explained it, “The format is entirely unique. It offered the meaningful down time of a vacation, the restorative nature of a retreat, and the self-discovery of career coaching.”

Learn more about the format

Strategic Vacations turn down the volume on the outside world, so you can hear your own voice the loudest.

For nearly two years, I’ve been honored to host women in these intimate and immersive experiences. And now, I’m positively giddy to share Strategic Vacations with you.

Strategic Vacations are designed for purpose-driven women who:

• Navigate burnout, decision fatigue, or the particular loneliness of being the decision-maker.

• Crave a major reset or are ready to launch something new.

• Want to live into their values of community, equity, and/or social justice, but feel disconnected from their own sense of purpose.

Learn more about who they're for

For each client, I curate a highly personalized coaching experience, one that aligns with exactly what they need.

This approach is the most effective and efficient method I’ve found to support the women I work with, and it’s so much fun.

Clients leave with a renewed sense of clarity, a 90-day action plan, and stronger boundaries to protect their time and energy.

Clients say:

• “Life changing: I feel more fulfilled and grounded, like I’m in control.”

• “I left with clarity, a renewed sense of purpose, and a color-coded list of next steps.”

• “Transformative, exactly what I needed at a moment when I didn’t even know what it was that I needed.”

If you’re craving a reset and meaningful support, let’s chat! Just hit reply to this email or schedule a free 30-minute consult with me. I’d love to talk with you.

Big launch day hugs,
Lelia

PS If you’d “like” and share this LinkedIn post announcing Strategic Vacations, I’d so appreciate it!

*Gender is nuanced and personal. All women and nonbinary people are welcome in my work.

She felt so seen in what I was creating and craved it so deeply that she was overcome with emotion.

It was such validation that I was onto something, I still remember where I was standing during the conversation.

As I’ve been quietly building this business and working with clients, I’ve held space for a lot of tears.

Through our work together, my clients have cried tears of exhaustion, of fear, of joy, and often, of relief.

A good cry can serve as a powerful release valve. Colette Melancon, a licensed clinical social worker, describes this outlet as an “emotional orgasm.” Hell yes.

I’ve seen the catharsis and growth that can come from feeling held and supported in these intimate moments of intense emotion.

This new business, which I’m thrilled to finally share fully next week, has given me a front row seat into the lives of my clients.

These are purpose-driven women who are committed to effecting positive change in their communities and showing up intentionally in their personal lives.

They typically fall into three categories:

1. They’re burned out. As they struggle with emotional exhaustion and decision fatigue, they know what they’re doing isn’t sustainable.

2. They’re stuck. They’re ready to make a change, but they may not be sure what it is. They long for the excitement they used to feel in their professional life.

3. They are ready to make a big change. Whether they’re ready to launch a new business or a new phase of their career, they’re seeking support and thought partnership in the process.

These phenomenal women come to me in a season of evolution. It is a damn honor to help them reconnect to their strengths and purpose—to help them shift into their next phase of growth.

Through this work, my clients are seeing results that neither of us could have anticipated.

As one client said, “I feel more grounded and focused than I have in years. I’m leaving with much more clarity PLUS an action plan.”

I feel giddy about the women I get to work with and the outcomes they’re achieving. Each interaction leaves me with a *pinch me, how is this my job?!* feeling.

I can’t wait to share it with y’all next week.

With such love and excitement,
Lelia

PS If you come to my SuperBloom Party, you’ll be the first to hear about it (and potentially win fun prizes!)

🌸 SuperBloom Party 🌸
Tuesday, May 19, 5:30-7pm
Munch Factory in Mid-City
4141 Bienville Ave

RSVP HERE

It’s an opportunity for all of us to celebrate our latest accomplishments in community with other fearsome women*. In this world that can be so damn much, let’s joyfully honor one another and our latest successes.

Drinks and light snacks will be available for purchase by the lovely team at Munch Factory. This woman-owned and operated business is a damn delight. I can’t wait to be there with you!

*Gender is nuanced and personal, all women and nonbinary folks are welcome!

A lovely newsletter reader, Chelsea, suggested I turn my favorites into a newsletter.

And thus, the list below was born.

It wasn’t until I started writing that I fully realized how formative all three books were for me, from helping me embrace my queer identity to deciding to seek a diagnosis for ADHD.

Each book is also funny and charming, offering a delightful escape.

If you read them, I’d love to hear what you think!

Love,
Lelia

Delilah Green Doesn’t Care by Ashley Herring Blake

Summary: This joyful and deliciously smutty trilogy follows three best friends in the fictional small town of Bright Falls, Oregon. Delilah’s a fearsome photographer striving to make it in New York City when her family obligations (and financial needs) require her to return to Bright Falls. There, she reconnects with Claire, a single mom who’s neglected her love life to raise her precocious kiddo and run a bookstore.

My experience: The chemistry and connection is so powerful between these characters, it feels real. I was reminded so vividly of my own past experience in queer relationships that reading Delilah Green helped me embrace my queer identity and decide to come out.

Sorry, Bro by Taleen Voskuni

Summary: Our protagonist, Nareh Bedrossian, is a high femme, closeted bisexual woman whose mother is desperate to set her up with a nice Armenian boy. In the process of her mother’s matchmaking, Nareh falls for a nice Armenian girl, but Nar doesn’t know how to let her crush know she’s interested.

My experience: Sorry, Bro is hands down the best thing I’ve ever read about femme and bisexual invisibility. Voskuni flawlessly captures the tension so many of us feel: hiding our sexuality out of fear while simultaneously grieving our invisibility.

Note: Don’t be dissuaded by the title. “Sorry, bro” is a common phrase in the author’s Armenian community. This book is a gem.

Here We Go Again by Alison Cochrun

Summary: A beloved mentor’s last wish is a cross-country roadtrip, which prompts two former friends to cram into “the gayest van west of the Mississippi” along with their dying teacher. After 10 years of not speaking, their complicated past can’t be avoided. Rich with explorations of aging, death, and second chances, this book is a multifaceted and legitimately fun read.

My experience: Cochrun’s portrayal of ADHD was so relatable to my own that the book prompted me to finally get a diagnosis and explore medication.

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Honorable Mentions

While they weren’t as life changing as those listed above, each of the books below offered an immersive and joyful escape.

• Boyfriend Material by Alexis Hall
  The audiobook is excellent, and the book is being made into a TV series by A24!

• Take a Hint, Dani Brown by Talia Hibbert
  The whole Brown Sisters trilogy is a fun, very smutty series, but book #2 is my favorite.

• Red, White, and Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston
  Casey’s from south Louisiana! Also, Amazon made this into a pretty fun movie.

• A Witch’s Guide to Magical Innkeeping by Sangu Mandanna

  A cozy and whimsical read, this book includes a quirky found family and a semi-villainous talking fox.

Trust Yourself to Try

• Have a queer rom com to recommend? I want to know! Please put it in the comments.

• Do you have favorite books that were formative? I’d love to hear about them and why.

Upcoming Events

🇺🇸 Get Out the Vote Party

Tuesday, May 12, 5ish
Details to come: reply to this email if you’re interested

I’m helping host a text banking party to remind our friends to vote no on all the amendments. Think of it as a loving nudge or peer pressure for good. I’d love to see you there!

Early voting: every day through Saturday, May 9
Election Day: May 16

🌺 SuperBloom Party

Tuesday, May 19, 5:30-7pm
Munch Factory in Mid-City
4141 Bienville Ave

RSVP HERE

Let’s celebrate our latest professional wins in community with other fearsome women*. In this world that can be so damn much, let’s joyfully honor one another and our latest successes.

*Gender is nuanced and personal, all women and nonbinary folks are welcome!

Yesterday’s Supreme Court decision allows state legislatures to draw legislative maps that systematically weaken the voting power of communities of color.

According to Black Voters Matter and other experts, it also paves the way for the creation of 19 new reliably Republican house seats and has major implications for local representation.

On behalf of like-minded Louisianans everywhere, I’m so sorry for our state’s impact on the future of democracy in our country.

I’m simultaneously numb, devastated, and enraged.

It’s tempting to completely check out and rewatch Heated Rivalry for the 4th time. (A friend described it as “kindness and care porn.”)

Instead, I’m striving to balance the need to rest and grieve with steadfast action.

Here in Louisiana, we have an election on May 16. The governor is trying to move it so the state can redraw its congressional maps.

Mail-in voting has already begun, and early voting starts this Saturday, May 2.

This is BANANAS.

Down-ballot candidates (like Lauren Jewett!) are going to have a much harder time convincing voters to turn out, especially if people are confused about whether the election is happening at all.

Creating chaos is a great way to disenfranchise voters, but we won’t be fooled.

If you’re registered to vote in Louisiana, please early vote on Saturday (May 2)!

I’ll end with a note of encouragement from President Obama, who wrote on Instagram:

“The good news is that such setbacks can be overcome. But that will only happen if citizens across the country who cherish our democratic ideals continue to mobilize and vote in record numbers - not just in the upcoming midterms or in high profile races, but in every election and every level.”

Please consider this a personal love note from me (and President Obama) to you: geaux vote.

Not in Louisiana? Look up your next election via your Secretary of State’s website. It might be sooner than you think.

With love and conviction,
Lelia

PS I’m voting NO on all the amendments. Here’s a simple overview from a coalition of some of my favorite, most trusted organizations. It breaks down the goal of each amendment and explains why we should oppose it.

PPS In much happier news: you’re invited to a party!

🌺 SuperBloom Party 🌺

Tuesday, May 19, 5:30-7pm
Munch Factory in Mid-City
4141 Bienville Ave

RSVP HERE

From selling my beloved home to negotiating the custody agreement, the neverending logistics and emotional toll of each decision consumed my energy.

Sure, I was taking my kiddo to school, seeing my parents, and doing the basics within my business, but I struggled to do anything beyond the baseline that was absolutely necessary. Flossing my teeth felt like a win.

That depleted season was so immersive, so debilitating, I feared I would never return to myself.

I thought often of Jennifer Wright’s tweet from 2019:

I stayed goo for far longer than I wanted.

That experience is what makes this present moment so euphoric.

These days, I don’t just feel like I returned to the old me. I feel like I became a new me, one that has healed and transformed into someone I’m proud to have become.

I’m more grounded in my sense of self, clearer about my capacity and the capacity of the phenomenal purpose-driven women* I serve.

I have a fresh giddiness about what’s on the horizon with my work and the steadfast action I’m taking to get there.

As I bask in my joie de vivre (joy of living or zest for life) and celebrate the many wins of my beloved clients, I’m thrilled to announce my upcoming SuperBloom Party:

SuperBloom Party
Tuesday, May 19, 5:30-7pm
Munch Factory in Mid-City
4141 Bienville Ave

RSVP HERE

It’s an opportunity for all of us to celebrate our latest accomplishments in community with other fearsome women*. In this world that can be so damn much, let’s joyfully honor one another and our latest successes.

I’ll share my big reveal: a new business I’ve been working on not-so-secretly for about 1.5 years (or 13, depending on when you start counting). I’m beyond thrilled to finally get to share it with this community.

To align with the joyful theme, floral attire and/or vibrant colors are encouraged! Flower crowns and festive headpieces welcome!

All the details are below and at this link here. I so hope to see you there.

For now, I’ll close us out with lyrics from an anthem that inspired the party and beautifully embodies this moment for me: SUPERBLOOM, by the Misterwives.

🎶 Resilient little thing just like mama made you
No one needs to save you
Ah-na-na, ah-na-na, ah-na-na
Wildflower in the spring
No, they can’t contain you
Through the cracks, you break through🎶

With so much love,

Lelia

*Gender is nuanced and personal, all women and nonbinary folks are welcome!

What to expect at the SuperBloom Party:

🌸Please arrive by 6pm to join us for the toast.🌸

🌺5:30-6pm: Mingle and grab a non-alcoholic or boozy beverage
🌺6-6:30pm: Enjoy facilitated conversation and connection + a big toast and a big reveal
🌺6:30-7pm: Bask in the glow of feminine energy

Drinks and light snacks will be available for purchase by the lovely team at Munch Factory. This woman-owned and operated business is a damn delight. I can’t wait to be there with you!

There is ample parking and a wheelchair accessible ramp to the left of the front entrance. Please DM me with accessibility questions.

RSVP HERE

I’ve devoted entire essays to how much I cherish my relationship with my bestie, Veronica.

During our monthly phone date yesterday, she mentioned that Wednesdays are usually a challenging, meeting-heavy day for her. But, on days when she knows we’re going to talk, she has something to look forward to.

I proposed a new approach: what if Wednesdays became our connection day? We decided that for every Wednesday moving forward, we’d send each other a quick photo, voice memo, or text. We’d offer one another a moment of fun and effortless connection.

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It prompted a conversation about how we sustain our other relationships.

Many of my most rewarding relationships are long-distance, maintained via recurring meetings in my calendar or a very clear and consistent mode of communication.

When I coach clients about expanding their support system, I encourage them to find some routinization or consistency to create as little friction as possible in maintaining the connection.

Here are some of the ways I do that:

One-hour monthly check-in by phone with my college roommate, using the following rules (which Veronica and I also use):

• Canceling, even 5 minutes before, is a-ok.

• No “book reports” on our lives in which we give a tedious overview of what’s happened since we last talked—just real connection about what we’re currently thinking about or struggling with. We welcome the messiness of life.

A regular text-based correspondence with my grad school bestie:

• We text most days. Topics range from caring for aging parents, to challenging relationship dynamics, to our cats.

• We’ve talked on the phone 3 times in the last 5 years and haven’t seen one another in over 10 years, and yet the depth is still there.

A weekly coaching swap with my dear friend who I’ve only met in-person twice:

• We alternate: I coach her one week, she coaches me the following week.

• When I’m the one receiving support, I’m responsible for making an agenda of what I’d like to focus on for our session. She does the same on her weeks.

In addition to creating regular, joyful connection, these relationships are powerful sources of support through life’s most profound challenges. This regular, set-aside time allowed my friends and I to show up for one another through divorces, deaths, and periods of depression.

Social science data affirms this approach. Regular, intentional rituals and frequent, low‑friction communication can increase perceived closeness and relationship satisfaction.

My friendships have benefitted from clear communication and a shared commitment to one another. Veronica and I just found a new path to deepen our friendship and feel more interconnected.

Can’t wait til next week’s Veronica Day.

Much love,
Lelia

PS I have a fun in-person event coming up, which is focused on female friendship. Can’t wait to share more!

Trust Yourself to Try

Think of 3-5 of your most valued relationships.

• What’s your ideal frequency and mode of connection for each? If you want to connect more often, you could:

  • Set up recurring connection points on a certain timeline (e.g., a walk or phone call every third Thursday of the month)

  • Schedule your next visit each time you’re together, so you’ve always got a date on the calendar
    

• How can you sustain or deepen the relationship? Consider non-traditional or asynchronous forms of connection:

  • Voice memos

  • Digital postcards (texted pics)

  • Snail mail letters

  • Zoom co-working sessions

  • Text-based accountability buddies (for example, you could text each time you exercise or call your elected officials)

Initially, I didn’t notice anything.

For the previous half hour, I’d been shifting in my seat, needing to pee with increasing urgency, praying I didn’t sneeze. When we arrived at the gas station, I raced into the bathroom with Xiaobs at my heels, followed shortly by my mom and our kiddo.

It was when we came out that I started to feel ill at ease.

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Despite being some of the only people in the Chevron, the cashier was clearly watching us closely while deliberately avoiding eye contact.

Our context left me particularly attuned to my surroundings. Here we were: a queer, interracial family in rural Mississippi, pretty much alone with a man who was wearing a black baseball cap with an American flag on it.

Was his American flag cap a signal of the kind of patriotism that would prompt him to thank my wife for her service in the Coast Guard, or would it be the kind of patriotism that thinks LGBTQ+ people should be kicked out of the military?

Up until a few years ago, I moved through the world with all the privileges of a nice white lady.

I married a white man and had a blonde-haired, blue-eyed child. We lived in a house that literally came with a white picket fence.

Road trips were easeful and uneventful, with pit stops made based on convenience rather than safety.

Now, like so many marginalized Americans, road trips mean hypervigilance and harm reduction, holding our pee until we find somewhere that feels safe-ish for our family.

Xiaobs and I wonder, will a small gas station be okay, or is the huge, iconic Buc-ee’s travel center a better stop? Is safety in numbers, or do more people mean a higher probability of a terse comment, a hostile reaction, or some other unpleasant encounter?

At the Chevron, my nervous system was on high alert, operating with an attunement to my surroundings that felt simultaneously appropriate and overblown.

Meanwhile, our child was excitedly running through the aisles, speaking at a volume that made me cringe and shush him. This normal, kid-like behavior terrified me. I didn’t want to draw more attention to us or set off the cashier.

Was our presence so abhorrent to him that he’d say something? What would I do to de-escalate? I tried to reassure myself that he probably wouldn’t pull a gun on us, but the thought crossed my mind.

I silently worried and hurried everyone along.

Finally, four bags of snacks in hand, we were ready to check out.

The cashier managed to silently avoid eye contact for the entire transaction. I told myself that at least the stripes on his American flag hat were comprised of fish, not guns. All the while, my kiddo obliviously babbled about his new gummy Skittles and whether he could open them right away.

Relief surged through me when I got in the car and closed the passenger door, but it didn’t let up completely until we were back on the highway.

When I described my discomfort, Xiaobs agreed that the encounter had felt off, but after many years of moving through the world as a visibly queer, androgynous Chinese American woman, she was nonplussed. She didn’t expect a warmer reception at a roadside gas station in Mississippi.

My mom had an entirely different experience. She’d noticed that the cashier had seemed “unfriendly” but chalked it up to him having just finished cleaning the bathrooms when we arrived.

That’s the thing about discrimination. Unless someone says or does something overtly homophobic, racist, sexist etc., it’s impossible to untangle what’s behind the behavior.

When I coach clients who wonder aloud whether their identities impacted their experience, I always stress this point:

That not knowing is one of the reasons discrimination is so insidious. It creates this hypervigilance that can be dismissed by people who aren’t sensitive to the realities of having marginalized identities.

As a coach, one of my most important roles is to validate the experiences of my client, to hold up a mirror and say, “This is what I’m seeing.” Too often, women, and especially women of color, aren’t believed when they experience subtle (or overt) instances of discrimination.

We’re seen as unreliable narrators and start to question our own reality.

We’ll never know whether I was projecting my fear onto someone whose bad mood had nothing to do with us or if my worries were well-founded.

Fortunately, my mom immediately said, “Oh wow. That didn’t even occur to me, but I can see how it would feel differently from your vantage point.”

Encounters like these remind me of the power of community and connection. Perhaps especially because my mom didn’t share Xiaobs’ and I’s concerns initially, my mom immediately seeing our perspective felt healing. It made me feel validated.

When someone tells you about an uneasy encounter, you have the power to support them substantively by honoring their experience. We may never know what the hostile person’s motivations were, and frankly, that’s not our job to untangle. Instead, our role is to bare witness to the way it felt for our friend, colleague, or loved one. We can honor how they want to proceed.

Feeling seen, understood, and supported goes a long way.

With such love,
Lelia

A Final Note and a PSA

I’m okay—really. I’m fully emotionally resourced and feel supported. You don’t need to check on me or carry this for me.

My goal for each essay is for all of us to feel less alone and more connected, particularly in those hard-to-talk about moments of life.

I’d love to hear from you in the comments about how this piece landed.

Leave a comment

PSA: Both Starbucks and Trader Joe’s have gender-neutral bathrooms. Know other good options? Please email me back with them or put them in the comments.

Xiaobs (my wife!), our son, and I call our home “the treehouse” because it’s surrounded by trees in the backyard.

More importantly, as a child of divorced parents, it was imperative to me that our kiddo didn’t split time between “Mom’s house” and “Dad’s house,” but instead two houses that were equally his.

In the middle of dinner last week, I asked our kiddo, “How’s that loose tooth?!” He enthusiastically stuck his tongue through the hole between his bottom teeth. I missed out on all the initial excitement, so much so that he forgot to tell me.

I was crestfallen.

One of the deepest forms of suffering I have experienced is missing out on 50% of my child’s life. It’s wrenching.

My grief felt particularly acute being absent for this milestone.

Starting at a very young age, my son’s dad told him that Santa and other similarly delightful beings weren’t real.

At the treehouse, we have a lot of conversations about how much fun it is to play pretend, particularly when it comes to Santa and his whimsical companions.

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While our kiddo technically lost his tooth at “the carriage house” (his house with his dad), I assured him the tooth fairy would still come to the treehouse.

We discussed how we could explain the situation to the tooth fairy, and he set to work writing an elaborate card, using a new marker color for each letter. Xiaobs wisely suggested he include a request to the tooth fairy as a sneaky way to get clear on his expectations.

He asked for one dollar and “some eat now candy,” basically requesting that the tooth fairy give him explicit permission to have a candy bar before school.

Xiaobs and I got to share in the giddy magic of anticipating tooth fairy’s arrival, amping up his excitement as we all played along.

When our son was finally asleep, we tiptoed downstairs to assemble the tooth fairy’s reply.

Savvy Xiaobs suggested a fiber gummy as the “eat now candy,” and we scrounged up a full-size package of Reese’s Cups, likely from Halloween.

When I was a kid, the tooth fairy left me a dollar bill that was folded into the shape of a sailboat, which I treasured and pretty sure I still have. I made his dollar into an origami heart.

We sprinkled sequins from the windowsill onto his bed and to the door of his bedroom as “tooth fairy dust.”

We signed his note “the tooth fairies” and wrote *wink* on the back, knowing how much he loves to be in on the joke.

While he’s usually still sound asleep when his alarm goes off, we heard him rustling around the next morning. He greeted us at the door of his bedroom beaming and giggling at the mess the tooth fairy had made. He showed off all his new treats, other than the fiber gummy, which he’d already eaten.

When he looked a bit pensive for a moment, I asked what he was thinking about.

“The tooth fairy’s really thoughtful,” he told us.

There was no knowing smile or exaggerated wink, just absolute sincerity, as though the tooth fairy was a real being who had spent time and care making him feel special.

Whether he was choosing to believe in fairies or it was a sincere acknowledgement of his mother and step-mother’s attentiveness, I’m not sure. Regardless, the tender moment lingered with me all week.

It feels like such a gift to co-create this household with Xiaobs, to offer whimsy, sequin-filled recognition of our kiddo’s latest rite of passage.

Love,
The tooth fairy

Three weeks later, I told her I was falling in love with her. She said the same.

Three months later, I told my friends I wanted to marry her.

Three years later, I did.

The road to marriage was that straightforward.

It was also complex.

As I’ve written about my divorce before, it was a difficult season of life, and one I don’t hope to replicate. The decision to get married again so quickly after my divorce required deep discernment.

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I wanted more time, but the realities of our political landscape expedited the decision.

Last August, Hillary Clinton predicted the fall of marriage equality and encouraged people in committed LGBTQ relationships to get married. This was already on our radar, but Clinton’s comments validated our worries. The attorneys and experts we consulted agreed with her assessment.

Xiaobs and I talked about it a lot. I journaled about it and discussed it with my friends and therapist. Ultimately, I recognized three factors: I wanted to marry Xiaobs. This timeline wasn’t what I would’ve chosen in a vacuum. Given the terrifying realities of this world, there’s no one I’d rather have at my side.

With these facts in mind, I realized I wanted to get married and access the associated legal protections—while we still could.

Xiaobs had a conference in Boston, which we’d already turned into a fun family trip with my mom and our son…a trip that would now include a wedding.

The day of the wedding, the justice of the peace invited the people getting married to sit on the sofa in front of her.

Without hesitation, our then six-year-old sat smack in the middle of the couch. Xiaobs and I sat on either side of him, all of us holding hands.

Our kiddo stepped aside to get the rings from my mom, but when it was time for Xiaobs and I to kiss, he raced over and buried his face between us, kissing both of our bellies.

It was perfect.

Before the wedding, I worried it would feel rushed or like I hadn’t thought it through all the way.

Instead, the feeling that washed over me was relief. This warm sense of safety that I get to be with my person. In this horrifying landscape, we’re as protected as we can be.

Every time I get to say “my wife,” I feel like I’m bragging. I feel proud to be partnered to Xiaobs and to move through life as co-parents and companions.

Xiaobs thought she wanted something “casual,” so I once asked her if she thought I trapped her. She laughed, acted like she was in a mousetrap, and said enthusiastically, “More cheese please!”

Cheers to more cheese,
Lelia

Yesterday, a man came to my house to bid on a very small gardening project.

Initially, I couldn’t quite place what had left me so unsettled. I just knew something felt off about the encounter.

When I sat down at my desk after he left, I felt the strong urge to wash my hands. Our conversation was no more than 15 minutes, but its effects lingered for hours.

I kept turning it over in my mind. He hadn’t touched me inappropriately or said anything explicitly disrespectful. I wondered if I was being irrational.

When I told Xiaobs about it, she said, “He gave you the ick. That instinct is built on 40 years of interacting with men and your intuition. Trust that.”

She validated my experience, reminding me that this encounter didn’t happen in isolation. The ick was my brain pattern-matching from years of experience. It was informed by the time I’ve spent with manipulative men I’ve dated, worked with, or known socially.

The ick is risk management, not melodrama.

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I can’t recall all the details of the situation, in part because it was so destabilizing.

Here are a few of the things I do remember. He:

• Spoke about his $97/month maintenance program like it was a foregone conclusion, despite my request that the garden be low maintenance.

• Announced, “I’m going to talk to you like you’re my best friend” then pointed out several additional home improvement projects in a judgmental tone.

• Referred to a woman he works with as “smaller than his pinky.”

• Pressured me to show him a competing bid.

After the third or fourth time he asked to see the bid, I reluctantly went inside to get it. The moment I wasn’t in his physical presence, I realized I didn’t have to keep interacting with him. I told him I needed to wrap something up for work (true) and that we’d be in touch via email.

Shortly after, he texted, “It was amazing meeting with you. I really like your energy.”

My ‘energy’ was uncomfortable. Was that what he liked? Reading his text, I felt a fresh wave of disgust.

While he didn’t do anything overtly wrong, his remarks and behavior felt excessively pushy, condescending, and presumptuous.

He was “talking to me like a friend,” as he told me about the additional home projects I should pursue, but his remarks felt designed to erode my pride in my home, telling me to trust his judgment over my own.

It reminded me of negging, the practice of subtle put-downs and manipulation designed to undermine someone’s (usually a woman’s) confidence.

When I coach clients about interacting with men like this, I strive to do what Xiaobs did for me: I tell them to trust their intuition.

So often there isn’t a clear red flag we can point to. Instead it’s the accumulation of little moments that prickle the hairs on the back of our necks.

In situations where my clients have agency (like the one with the landscaper), I encourage them to get the hell out.

In professional settings where clients have to work with someone who gives them the ick, it’s more complicated. My recommendation is to keep their distance as much as possible and share difficult interactions with a trusted counterpart, so that they don’t have to carry this dynamic alone.

The consequences of these icky situations can be insidious: a gradual and cumulative negative effect. Attending to yourself after these experiences can prevent them from undermining your sense of self.

If you’re in this situation, build a care plan for after each encounter to:

• Name it and document it
  Notice “this is giving me the ick!” Write down what happened in a spreadsheet with dates, times, and who else was present. Even if you don’t plan to lodge an official complaint, it can be validating to see patterns emerge and all the interactions cumulatively.

• Ask a trusted friend to validate your experience
  Regardless of whether it elevates to the level of HR, your experience is real and valid. Connect with a trusted friend to help you feel seen.

• Reset your energy
  Go for a quick walk or try a short meditation to release the ick. Do whatever you need to do to get grounded in your own energy.

Of course there is no world in which I’ll be hiring this man, and we’ll likely never interact again. But even as I wrote about this story here, I was being careful.

I strived to share a bulleted sequence of events that was unassailable. Still, I feared an online troll would tell me I was overreacting or that my response was unjustified.

Fortunately, neither trolls nor this man have any impact on my livelihood. The reason I share this story is because too many of us have had our experiences belittled or disbelieved, leading us to question our own experiences. I’ve been there before. We’ve all been there before.

I refuse to let that happen to me again, and I don’t want it to happen to you either.

Trust your intuition and protect your energy, my loves.

Big hugs,
Lelia

Trust Yourself To Try

• Think of a time when you’ve gotten the ick.

• How did you feel after?

• What felt most supportive to reset your energy?

As an adult, I use Focusmate, an online application that offers virtual study buddies or body doubling.

In a recent session, I noticed that my study buddy was in her 899th Focusmate session. We’d worked together once before, and I liked her vibes.

When I joined our next session, I put on a ridiculous tinsel headband and greeted her by waving my hands in the air and saying, “Hooray! It’s your 900th session!”

It was an inconsequential milestone that could’ve gone unnoticed. I debated if the sparkle was “too much,” but decided it was worth perhaps embarrassing myself to make her smile.

“You don’t know how much this means to me,” she told me. She’d just been talking with a colleague about tough family dynamics, and she’d had a rough week. She told me I’d made her day.

It ended up being a highlight of my day, too.

Tiny, even silly celebrations can create outsized connections.

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Here are some other celebrations I’ve given and received this week:

• Thank a staffer: When I called my member of Congress, I told the staffer, “Thank you for doing this work. I hope you have a great day and that everyone is really nice to you.” She laughed and seemed to sincerely appreciate it.

• Send a “thought-of-you” link: A friend texted an article that reminded her of me, a particularly resonant excerpt, and a sweet note. I felt seen and celebrated.

• Share an image: I love the profound friendship between Heated Rivalry actors Connor Storrie and Hudson Williams. A friend sent me the picture below of them being deep in friend love on the set of SNL. It’s now the background on my phone.

In each instance, the gesture was designed to help the other person feel seen or to make them smile. When I was the recipient, it felt joyful and connective.

This week, I scheduled a session with my new Focusmate friend. I told her I’d be working on the contract for a new client I was excited about during our session. She balled up her scarf and put it on her head, a move I found confusing at first.

She told me, “This is my celebration hat!” When I responded enthusiastically, she told me, “I can tell how much this client means to you.” Again, I felt seen.

Despite being in a public library, she wore the balled up scarf on top of her head for the entire session.

Needless to say, she made my day.

Much love,
Lelia

Trust Yourself to Try

• How might you delight someone?

• What gesture or action from a friend or stranger has delighted you recently?

Last year, despite drinking minimal alcohol, I described it as a lingering Mardi Gras hangover.

For me, this type of letdown usually combines whiplash and exhaustion with a little dose of grief. Last year, my hangover lingered for days.

This year, the reset felt different.

Sure, the logistics looked the same: I unexploded my costume/crafting closet (the closet is much bigger now) and vacuumed enough glitter to make a Muses shoe. I saw the clean surface of my dining room table for the first time in a week.

The difference this year was that the emotional reset was easeful and pleasant.

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My bestie Laura’s 40th birthday happened to coincide with Ash Wednesday, which gave me an excuse to craft on the day after Mardi Gras.

Both Heated Rivalry enthusiasts, we talk regularly about our favorite Instagram analysis of the show and behind-the-scenes moments we’ve discovered from interviews with actors Hudson Williams and Connor Storrie.

Fans call a rewatch a “reheat”, and @teewatterss wrote:

re-watching Heated Rivalry from episode 1-6 is a bake 350, taking it from episode 4 onward is in the airfryer and in a pinch you can just throw 6 in the microwave

The post planted a seed for Laura’s gift. I’d make her a mini microwave and fill the interior with favorite moments from the show. Apparently, when Connor Storrie’s dialect coach heard him give the extended Russian monologue, she said, “I am humbled.” I included that, too.

Making Laura’s silly microwave felt medicinal, and that tiny craft helped me land softly after Mardi Gras.

It was a crafting decrescendo, my crafting getting quieter and less intense without stopping cold turkey.

The activity reminded me: our nervous systems like gradual ramps, not cliffs.

When I coach women returning from family leave or any leave of absence, I encourage them to ease into it. If they have the option, I recommend they come back for a few days per week or for half days at first. Alternatively, if schedules are more rigid, I suggest they return to work on a Thursday. That way, after two days, they get a break before they transition into a full work week.

Whether we’re reentering the workforce after extended time away or a long weekend, it can be helpful to strategize in advance.

I’ve shared before that I have to fight the instinct to launch into action the minute I’m back at my desk after a few days away. I’m not yet reacclimated, but I expect myself to perform at my highest level of executive functioning, despite my ADHD. It often ends in tears.

When possible, I block the first few hours of my first day back: “Turtle time 🐢”, where I’m catching up on email, writing, and generally reorienting myself to my work.

Returning to work or leaving a vacation can often feel like an abrupt arrival, the plane’s wheels bouncing along the tarmac, shaking your body in the process.

Before I leave for the trip, before the flight even takes off, I want to ask myself: what would help make it a smooth landing?

Maybe crafting a mini-microwave will help.

Much love,
Lelia

Trust Yourself to Try

• What has helped you in the past when you’ve returned to work after a break?

• What’s the next smallest step you can take in advance to set yourself up for future success?

I enjoyed tiny details like making the time on the microwave match the month and day of her birthday: 2/18.

The season has historically been so immersive, that by Wednesday, I’d be surprised by my unadorned reflection in the mirror.

After nearly a week of wigs, I’d wonder, “Was my hair always so brown?”

There’s something magical about an annual transformation. I craft and costume myself into an entirely different being, one that is so unrecognizable that dear friends don’t recognize me right away. I have to take off my sunglasses and excitedly say, “It’s me, Lelia!”

Last week, I shared that, uncharacteristically, I wasn’t in the Mardi Gras spirit.

In the context of the horrors of the world and personal pain, I couldn’t seem to access the joie de vivre (joy of living or zest for life) that had always come so easily this time of year.

Instead of striving to push through, my family and I leaned fully into the Do Whatcha Wanna philosophy.

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After Friday and Saturday revelries, the adults couldn’t decide how to spend Sunday: big parades or a low-key day?

We debated for about an hour, no one particularly committed to one path or the other.

You can’t Do Whatcha Wanna when you don’t know what you want.

There’s a necessary discernment process that can be hard to access, particularly if you’ve been socialized to prioritize other people’s needs over your own. How do we tune into our truest desires when there’s so much noise?

When I got quiet, I realized that while I didn’t feel excited about parades in that moment, I also didn’t want to miss out, and I didn’t want my kiddo to either.

I had to fight the instinct to constantly do more, just because it was available.

Ultimately, we gave our kiddo the deciding vote. He opted to spend the day at home watching LEGO Masters on TV and adding to the LEGO Mardi Gras parade we’ve built as a family.

As a 5th generation New Orleanian raising a NOLA baby, it initially pained me that he didn’t crave more traditional Mardi Gras magic.

Then I realized, my child’s ability to name his needs was cause for celebration. I’m raising a kid who doesn’t seem to feel the same pressures I do. For him, FOMO isn’t part of his vocabulary. He knew he wanted to be home and didn’t hesitate to say as much.

Staying home for a snuggly, easy day was precisely what we’d all been craving, and my son gave us permission.

Just because my past Mardi Gras have felt like a high-octane sport, a marathon of partying and play, doesn’t mean that’s the truest form of the season for me. At 40 years old with a seven-year-old in tow, I want a gentler pace, one that makes room for a quieter energy.

In this context, I still get to enjoy the whimsy, just in smaller crowds with less noise and trash, less pressure to perform.

And building a LEGO parade and eating king cake at home made for some pretty magical Mardi Gras moments.

Cheers to tuning into whatever this season calls for,
Lelia

P.S. My Mardi Gras Day was much more typical to my past Mardi Gras, except I was sober. It was a damn delight!

We turned our truck into a whimsical Hydration Station, where we dressed as water creatures and distributed 400 bottles of water and Capri Suns. Highly recommend.

Attending parades and parties, you could easily engage in uninterrupted celebration between now and Tuesday.

I was once so committed to this season, I made a color coded spreadsheet that provided a 6-day overview of each family member’s costume plans, costume status, and the predicted weather.

This is go time.

Or not.

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This year, I haven’t even gotten my hot glue gun out. Other than selecting the household king cakes, I haven’t dedicated much time or energy to this carnival season, usually my favorite time of year.

The world is on fire. The news cleanse I took on vacation had me bracing for impact the moment I connected to the internet. What new horrors would there be to behold?

Coming home from Mexico, I found myself wondering if my queer identity would one day make it more difficult for me to get back into the country.

The situation is so bleak, I’m once again in the confusing position of calling my elected officials to advocate for part of the government to shut down, including FEMA whose resources are vital during natural disasters.*

I suspect once I start assembling my costumes, I’ll get into the carnival spirit, but I’m not putting pressure on myself.

Years ago, I wrote a popular newsletter about “Mandatory Fun Times.”

Mandatory Fun Times occur when there are high expectations of constant collective delight, expectations which will almost definitely not be met.

Everything from prom, to Valentine’s Day, to weddings can become Mandatory Fun Time. Once they do, they can feel isolating and shameful: if you’re not utterly jubilant throughout Mandatory Fun Time, you’re doing it wrong!

Mardi Gras comes with a high risk of Mandatory Fun Times.

For me, pivoting from Mandatory Fun Time to Actually Fun Time is all about recognizing and naming my needs in the moment.

If I’m craving a slower pace, I want to listen to that instinct. Or when the siren song of Mardi Gras magic calls to me and pulls me out of my malaise, maybe I’ll just reprise or repurpose old costumes rather than stressing about making something brand new.

There can be real delight in distracting myself from hardship—a healthy reset and reclaiming can happen. But I’m no longer forcing myself into it because I feel a sense of obligation.

To quote Rebirth Brass Band, “Do Whatcha Wanna.”

And whether you want to party or stay home this weekend, please call your elected officials. :)

Mardi Gras love,
Lelia

PS The buddy system has been wildly helpful in getting me to make my daily calls. I text my bestie each time I make my calls, and she does the same. We celebrate one another accordingly, as seen below and shared with her permission.

Context and a script from 5calls.org is below.

*Context from 5calls.org

In early February, Congress passed a government funding deal that included a 2-week continuing resolution (CR) for DHS while fully funding the remainder of the government.

Congress now faces a February 13th deadline to pass a new appropriations bill for DHS. Failure to pass further funding will result in a shutdown of the department.

Recent atrocities committed against both immigrants and citizens under the Trump administration have drawn attention to abuses of power by Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) and Customs and Border Protection (CBP). A whistleblower recently revealed an internal DHS memo authorizing ICE agents to enter homes without a judge-signed warrant, in a flagrant violation of the Fourth Amendment. However, these abuses are hardly new. Since ICE and CBP were established in 2003, these agencies have terrorized immigrant communities, conducted unconstitutional border checkpoints, torn apart families, denied immigrants their due process rights, and subjected detained immigrants to physical, sexual, and mental abuse. The killing of Renee Good in Minnesota was the 9th ICE shooting since September 2025.

ICE also received an influx of billions of dollars in additional funding from the so-called “One Big Beautiful” bill. The bill placed no guardrails or conditional oversight on the use of this money, essentially creating a $75 billion slush fund for ICE to continue their violent attacks on communities across the country.

Call on your representatives to block any DHS appropriations bill or Continuing Resolution (CR) that maintains funding for ICE or CBP, or fails to hold these agencies accountable for their violent lawlessness.

SCRIPT

Hi, my name is [NAME] and I’m a constituent from [CITY, ZIP].

I’m calling to urge [REP/SEN NAME] vote against a Continuing Resolution for DHS and only support a funding bill that includes significant changes to ICE and Border Patrol. These agencies are recklessly endangering the American public and must be reined in. The necessary changes I would like to see enacted include…

[Choose any number of the following]:

• A zeroing out of ICE’s appropriations funding, (and)

• A repeal of H.R. 1’s $170 billion slush fund for ICE and Border Patrol, (and)

• A requirement that agents remove their masks and show identification, (and)

• A ban on arrests without judicial warrants, (and)

• A ban on roving patrols, racial profiling, and arrest quotas, (and)

• A ban on agents’ access to polling locations, schools, day cares, medical facilities, and other vulnerable locations, (and)

• A return of Border Patrol officers to the border, (and)

• Independent inspectors and oversight of all detention facilities to ensure humane treatment of detainees, (and)

• A ban on the detention and deportation of children, (and)

• A ban on the use of surveillance technology to track people, (and)

• An end to the use of deadly force and the detention and deportation of U.S. citizens and lawfully present immigrants.

I expect Congress to do their job to enforce these laws and demand the investigation and prosecution of agents who break them.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

IF LEAVING VOICEMAIL: Please leave your full street address to ensure your call is tallied.

It was the first day I back after a family vacation, and I had difficulty finding my rhythm. It’s a pattern I’ve written about before: I come back from time off and expect myself to launch into action, only to find myself scattered and unfocused.

For four days on vacation, I’d savored the constant immersion in people I love: Xiaobin, our kiddo, and our son’s two “goshparents” (my besties).

Now I had emails to send, bookkeeping to tend to, and plans to make. Every facet of it required me to initiate, but I couldn’t summon the energy.

As I struggled to knock out the items on my Trello board, a nasty voice in my head said I didn’t deserve to take my ADHD medicine: if I wasn’t going to be productive at work anyway, why waste the Adderall.

I told myself I needed to just push through.

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Halfway through the day I laughed out loud at myself. “Babe,” I thought, “Do you think the medicine designed to help you be more focused and productive might help you be more focused and productive?”

It seemed so obvious. Within 20 minutes of popping the pills, the fog cleared, and I felt less impatient with myself.

When he initially prescribed me the medicine, my psychiatrist and I had decided I’d take it only on days that I was working.

I inadvertently used those directions to create an insidious narrative that I have to “earn” my medicine or make it worthwhile.

It prevented me from taking it when I probably needed it most.

Moving forward, my psychiatrist and I have decided I’ll take my Adderall daily, regardless of whether it’s a work day or not.

Since my brain doesn’t take a break, why should I take a break from the medicine I use to help regulate it?

Most days, I feel grateful for the cocktail of ADHD medicines and antidepressants I take. I want to talk about them openly in order to normalize and celebrate those of us who need additional support to regulate our brain chemistry. Live, Laugh, Lexapro.

Other days, I feel frustrated that I’m someone who needs brain medicine to move through the world the way I’d like. I feel embarrassed that I’m not as “high functioning” (whatever that means) as my partner or my friends, even those who have ADHD.

I can get into a shame spiral that doesn’t serve anyone.

When I take my ADHD medicine, that hateful voice dissipates. In addition to improving my concentration, those little pills help me be kinder to myself.

They help me access the version of myself I feel I am at my most natural, at my core.

When I frame it that way, it’s a no brainer.

Cheers,
Lelia

PS As with all of my anecdotes about medicine, these are my personal experiences, not medical advice.

Trust Yourself to Try

• Think about something that’s helpful to you. Is there a part of you that resists seeking that support?

• If you take medicine, how do you relate to it? Have you unwittingly created a story about it? Is that story serving you?

An Invitation and Request

Congress has until February 13 to pass the new Department of Homeland Security funding bill, which determines funding for ICE.

Please call your elected officials every day!

The buddy system has been wildly helpful in getting me stay motivated and accountable to make my daily calls. My bestie and I text one another each time we make our calls and celebrate one another accordingly.

A script from 5calls.org is below.

Script from 5calls.org

Hi, my name is [NAME] and I’m a constituent from New Orleans.

I’m calling to urge [ELECTED OFFICIAL] to support significant changes to ICE and Border Patrol in the DHS funding bill. These lawless agencies are recklessly endangering the American public and must be reined in. The necessary changes I would like to see enacted include...

[Choose any number of the following]:

• A zeroing out of ICE’s appropriations funding, (and)

• A repeal of H.R. 1’s $170 billion slush fund for ICE and Border Patrol, (and)

• A requirement that agents remove their masks and show identification, (and)

• A ban on arrests without judicial warrants, (and)

• A ban on roving patrols, racial profiling, and arrest quotas, (and)

• A ban on agents’ access to polling locations, schools, day cares, medical facilities, and other vulnerable locations, (and)

• A return of Border Patrol officers to the border, (and)

• A ban on the use of surveillance technology to track people, (and)

• An end to the use of deadly force and the detention and deportation of U.S. citizens and lawfully present immigrants.

I expect Congress to do their job to enforce these laws and demand the investigation and prosecution of agents who break them.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

IF LEAVING VOICEMAIL: Please leave your full street address to ensure your call is tallied.

If we realize we need props mid-class, he encourages us to leave our mats. He tells us, “Just because you made a choice before class started, doesn’t mean you can’t make a different choice now.”

At the beginning of Trump’s second term, I called my elected officials most days. While they continued to vote against the interests of their constituents, I felt proud of myself for my persistence.

Eventually, though, I felt discouraged and lost momentum. I strived to stay informed and engaged, but I wasn’t as consistent.

I got out of the habit.

The horrors out of Minneapolis have me freshly motivated. In case you’re looking for ideas, here’s what I’m doing:

• I recommitted to calling my elected officials daily using 5Calls.

• I started a buddy system with my bestie, where we’ll text each other each time we make our calls, offering one another some loving accountability and a little dopamine hit.

• Xiaobin and I are looking at our finances to figure out what we can contribute.

• I’m going to do another round of Postcards to Swing States.

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In my yoga class, I could spend the whole class thinking, “I wish I’d gotten yoga blocks,” or I could walk my butt over and pick them up.

I could stay overwhelmed and immobilized, watching the groundswell of activism and engagement from the sidelines with guilt in the pit of my stomach.

Or I could strive to take just one step per day.

Don’t let the fact that you haven’t been taking action prevent you from taking action now.

Just because you haven’t been as engaged as wanted to be doesn’t mean you can’t start (or restart) now.

As Joan Baez says, “Action is the antidote to despair.”

Let’s do this,
Lelia

Trust Yourself To Try:

The Senate will vote on ICE funding really soon. Please call your senators to oppose the ICE funding bill.

Logistics

• The 5calls app makes it easy peasy and kinda fun. Their script is below.

• OR you can call the Capitol switchboard number and they’ll direct your call: (202) 224-3121.

• Louisiana readers, here’s our senators’ info. I like to call both the national and the local office, particularly since voicemails often fill up:

  • Bill Cassidy: (202) 224-5824 and (504) 838.0130

  • John Kennedy: (202) 224-4623 and (504) 581-6190

• Whatever path you take, save their numbers as contacts!

The majority of the time, I’m just leaving a voicemail and each call takes me less than one minute. (Today’s took me 37 seconds.)

In the event that someone does answer, they’re always polite, and it’s never much of a conversation. I just read the script and say thank you.

The offices are legally required to document any calls they get asking to oppose or support legislation. You’re just having your perspective tallied.

These calls are easier than you think! You can do it!

Once you’ve made your calls, please leave me a comment so I can cheer you on! I wan to celebrate you!

Leave a comment

A few days in, I saw a giant lizard crawl into my suitcase. Panicked, I immediately started pointing and blurted in Spanish, “There’s not a frog in my suitcase.” (I didn’t know the word for lizard.)

The host dad calmly dispatched the lizard. I thanked him profusely, and the day proceeded with beachy beauty.

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I learned French in the classrooms of my middle and high school. Graded on my accent, conjugations, and vocabulary, I strived to speak and write with precision. I didn’t take risks, sticking to using the specific words and phrases I knew would help me avoid mistakes.

I wanted the A.

With Spanish, my instinct toward perfectionism quickly dissipated while living in a new country. I could no longer wait, tongue-tied, until I found the exact right word. Instead, I muddled through, communicating with the limited words I knew. I’d say things like “It’s similar to…” or, “You know…the opposite of…” I overused the word entonces (which means “so” or “then”).

My experience of learning Spanish was relational. Trying to improve my language skills wasn’t in service of a grade. Instead, it allowed me to feel more connected to those around me. When my language skills failed me, I smiled a lot and used body language to communicate. I apologized and said thank you regularly. It all felt very human.

In my business, I want to focus less on doing things “the right way” (how I learned French) and instead prioritize getting things done in a spacious way that aligns with my energy, relationships, and capacity (how I learned Spanish).

I feel like I’m “supposed to” have a content calendar that outlines my newsletters months in advance. This is a project I could definitely earn an A on.

Instead, it’s currently Wednesday at noon as I type this. I’m writing what feels resonant to me today so I can share it with you tomorrow.

It’s tempting to beat myself up, tell myself that I should be a better planner, more on top of this part of my business.

Then I remember three things about my approach:

• It’s joyful: Writing my newsletter is often a highlight of my week.

• It’s relational: Y’all often tell me how much my content resonates, and because I’m writing in real time, it stays relevant.

• It’s sustainable: Nearly every week for over a decade, I have written this newsletter. This approach works because it is how I work best.

What we perceive to be the most perfect or precise way isn’t necessarily the best for us or the most rewarding.

Learning French was grueling, studying flashcards and cramming for tests. Learning Spanish was immersive and delightful. It was an understanding of language built on experience, connection, and intuition.

And it was practical.

I didn’t need to say, “Excuse me, there appears to be a lizard in my suitcase. Would you please help me get it out?” with perfect diction.

“There’s not a frog in my suitcase!” did the job just fine.

Cheers to taking a more spacious approach,
Lelia

Trust Yourself to Try

• Think about a current project or task. Are there ways you can enjoy the process rather than focusing exclusively on perfection in the outcome?

• Where in your life are you waiting to get the right or most perfect language? Instead of waiting for exactly the right words, what would it be like to tell your truth the best way you can?

Since people usually seek the manager to complain, I giddily assured the host, “We had such a great time! I just want to tell the manager what a lovely job Maddie and Gavin did as our servers.”

Gratitude and compliments come naturally to me, but I’ve also cultivated them as a practice. In adulthood, appreciation has become one of my core values. I want people to feel seen when they interact with me.

It feels especially meaningful when I’m engaging with someone whose job is often invisible, thankless, or high stress. I try to be extra appreciative of people who likely deal with a lot of rude customers, everyone from pharmacy techs to call center employees.

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A recent episode of NPR’s Life Kit podcast explored compliments and their impact on the brain.

Receiving compliments can make some people squeamish, but neuroscientists have shown that just like when you receive money, the reward circuit of your brain lights up when you receive a compliment.

In my own work with coaching clients, I find that the specifics of compliments quickly dissipate while we can repeat negative feedback we’ve received verbatim years later. This is negativity bias in action.

Hours after receiving praise, we can usually only remember “Sarah said something nice,” instead of the specific words she used.

This is part of the reason I encourage clients to create a Kudos List. When clients receive praise, I invite them to write it down immediately. Bonus points if you capture who said it, when, and in what context. (I started my Kudos List in a Google Doc almost a decade ago and add to it regularly.)

Imagine if every time you felt discouraged or questioned yourself, you had a list of the specific, meaningful feedback you’d received from trusted colleagues and friends. Imagine going into a job interview and being able to specifically quote past clients or managers.

As one coaching client told me, “Every time I look back at my Kudos List, I feel strengthened and more confident.“

The Kudos List is my way to increase the benefits of compliments to that reward center of the brain.

The Life Kit podcast also shared research about how giving compliments makes people happier, which has certainly been my experience. As Xuan Zhao, a behavioral scientist at Stanford University, explains, “It actually helps you to see the good things around you better when you verbalize, when you communicate those in concrete ideas.”

When I spoke to the manager at dinner, he told me he’d worked with our server, Gavin, a long time, but Maddie was new. The context of Maddie’s newness made me even happier to have given my compliment.

In the future, when Maddie inevitably has a hard day or makes a mistake, the manager is likely to hear about it from a grumpy customer. Now he’s got at least one positive data point in her favor.

And, by telling Maddie how much I enjoyed chatting with her and telling the host and manager what a delightful time I had, I brought some extra sparkle to my dinner in the process.

Cheers,

Lelia

PS “Verbal tipping” occurs when a customer gives positive verbal feedback to a service industry employee in lieu of tipping well. Please don’t do that. Keep the compliments genuine and the tips ample. :)

Trust Yourself to Try

• What’s a sincere compliment you could give today?

• What’s one of the most meaningful compliments you’ve received? Consider starting your kudos list today with that reflection.

Kudos List: 5-minute setup

1. Create a simple doc titled “Kudos List.”

2. Capture verbatim praise (as much as you remember). If you can, include a little context like who gave it to you, when, and what prompted it.
   
   Example: “You gave me direction during a time I felt rudderless” - Sam Prince after a particularly meaningful coaching call, Nov 2025
   

3. Review before interviews or 1:1s. Reread during hard days.