So this week it’s all about the brows!!! There have always been a few things on my body that I have been known for…my feet, my legs, my lips and my BROWS honey!!! This Diva’s got major brow game!!! LOL.

Because of my alopecia, unfortunately, losing my eyebrow hair was part of that hair loss. So, I had to learn how to fill in my brows early on. People always assume I over-tweezed my brows in the late-‘90s/early ‘20s like everyone else. Nope…just good ole ‘pecia rearing her ugly head. LOL. But I didn’t know any better then. I just went with the flow. I thought I was “en vogue”. LOL. Hell…it WAS in style at the time, ya know. But after a while, I did feel insecure about it. So I learned how to do my eyebrows in a way that felt right for me, and I never looked back - perfecting my arch, and understanding my brow line and symmetry.

But then my face began to change. Life happened. Aging happened. Illness happened. And I learned that I had to learn it all again.

To learn more and to view the video below and obtain access to special codes to my Divi Cosmetics website, you must be a paid subscriber.

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Since July, I have retired from my 20+ year career, fostered a child, supported several friends through the losses of loved ones, supported a family member through an attempt on their own life, suffered through serious health challenges, and so much more. Needless to say, this all takes a toll on my body.

Stress can do a number on the skin and hair. Hair definitely tends to fall out when we are stressed. And for someone with my conditions - Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, Migraines, Diabetes, and so many others - having stress compounded on top of them does not help. So must do everything I can to mitigate it. Thankfully, doing content like this helps. It is so peaceful to sit in my little room and listen to classical music while I apply my hair and makeup. What do you do for self-care? Put it in the comments.

Now I know my follicles have been so severely damaged that I will not have hair regrowth. This has been told to me by my dermatologist. So I have been relegated to wearing wigs for the rest of my life. But I’m okay with that because I get to be a different person every time I step foot outside of the house. And my wife LOVES it!!!

I had my time of feeling sorry for myself, but I had to motivate myself and learn that “this too shall pass”! This hair may not be fair…lol. But this skin that we are in is beautiful.

To know how I went from the top images to the images on the bottom, you must purchase a subscription below to view the video. You’ll also gain an exclusive coupon code for my cosmetics website.

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Over the past week, my wife and I embarked on a journey to help a mother with her child. What we didn’t know was that we would end up traumatized at the end of it, and we realized that this child may not be savable without psychiatric intervention. We also were not going to risk our lives or the lives of our animals (our furbabies) for the sake of this child. This is a tale that begins 8 years ago. So let’s get into it.

But first, let me introduce you to some key players in this story. You all know me, of course. However, I would like to let you know that my wife, Haydee, will be assisting in writing this story. I will be giving fictitious names to the remaining parties. The child’s name will be Tucker. His mother’s name will be Tammy, and his aunt’s name will be Amanda. He has four siblings, but the only one whose name we will need is his older sister, whom we will call Ashley.

Haydee and I first learned of Ashley and Tucker through Amanda 8 years ago when Amanda came to work closely with me. Amanda spoke of their mother, Tammy, as being a drug-addicted woman with some severe mental health issues. This was never more apparent than the moment I had to take Amanda during working hours to help talk Tammy down during a mental breakdown. It was during this time that the thought was first entertained about Ashley and Tucker being given to my wife and me to care for. Unfortunately, the stars did not align at the time for us to get Ashley and Tucker.

Over the years, Amanda would update me regarding the two of them, with Tucker sometimes making appearances onscreen during virtual meetings. Updates came fewer and farther between, and eventually, I heard of three more siblings being born by a different “Baby Daddy”. And yes, if that sounded a little bit judgy, it was. However, it was not for the reasons that you think. My mother has two children by two different men. My judgment is against women (or men) who bring children into this world without getting their mental health together, or having WAAAAYYY TOOO MANY kids that they can’t afford, or being on drugs when they do it. Be a stand-up parent. Be better than what you had.

This brings us to a little over a month ago, when I announced my retirement. After learning of my retirement, Amanda reached out to me and was discussing with me her concerns regarding Tammy and an incident that occurred between her and Tucker.

Writing still in progress - TO BE CONTINUED…

will share part 2 of this story!

Well…HELLO!!! I am ANXIETY!!! ALIVE, BREATHING, and IN THE FLESH!!!

As I have been dealing with my health challenges, I have collected a good amount of anxiety on top of it. My retirement doesn’t help the situation. Walking into a new chapter of my life, without a concrete next step, doesn’t leave me with a good feeling.

My anxiety is through the roof.

I’ve been going to therapy for several years now but these past months of dealing with major health crises and job issues have had me on edge - so much so that my therapist put me on a mental health break for two months! YES, you heard that right - TWO MONTHS!!! I didn’t know what to think when she told me that. I thought I had literally lost my mind. I thought she thought I was crazy. I was EMBARRASSED!!!

I mean, how could I, Roslyn D. Johnson, the one who always holds it together for everyone else, be the loony-tune! And yes, I genuinely thought it that way. Is that stigmatizing - ABSOLUTELY! But that is where my mind went. Again, I was EMBARRASSED!!!

Then one day, my wife and I went to lunch at Olive Garden. We don’t go there often. However, the last time we went, there was a very memorable waiter - very chatty. He waited on us again. The last time, we connected on the fact that we both had back problems. This time - oh boy! He definitely remembered us, and he said he missed us. He was glad to be back because he had been gone for two months, and this was his first shift back. He had been out on a 2-month hiatus (hmmm sound familiar). He, however, had attempted suicide.

My jaw dropped!

Between serving us drinks, taking our order, giggling with us, and weaving in so many other tales, he told us about how his wife came home from work early to find him hanging in his living room - how he was THANKFUL that she came home EARLY! She cut him down just in time to save his life. Then he spent the next two months in therapy talking about why he felt the need to do that, trying to heal. He, of course, is still not done with therapy - it’s a day-by-day journey. However, he said it is his mission to destigmatize the embarrassment of talking about mental illness.

He had me crying at that table y’all! He just didn’t know how much I needed to hear that! I don’t know who or what you believe in, but God/the Universe/Whatever will put in front of you the things that need to be shown to you for you to learn the lessons that you need to learn. I needed that lesson then and there.

I am currently in an Intensive Outpatient Therapy (IOP) program through Kaiser three times a week. It allows me to talk through my depression, anxiety, OCD, and so many other things through group therapy. There are so many other people in there that are dealing with health- and job-related concerns just like me, and they were put on leave to ensure that they did not “just snap”. What’s funny is that before I got to my “breaking point”, I had decided that I needed the break and was ready to walk away anyway and retire, but a straw broke the camel’s back (I’ll save that for next week).

For now, I’ll leave y’all with a meditation that we did on Thursday in our therapy session using the Calm App: Calm App - Befriending Anxiety.

Enjoy!

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You are like music
Flowing softly
Through my subconscious
Finding your tempo
With the drumming
The beating
The thumping of my heart
Coursing and pulsating
Through my veins
Like a melody
On a staff
Your music
Slowly
Becoming my music
And mine becoming yours
Beginning to harmonize
With each other
Almost in perfect pitch
Trying to become one sound
One heart
One love
Your gentle song
Caressing my spirit
Like an aria
Chilling every fiber of me
Exciting
Igniting
Exploding
A passion within
To be released
As a flowing
Melodic breeze
You
Your spirit
Your love
Are like music

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As an over-40 woman, I know what it feels like to sometimes feel like your body is fighting against you and to seem less than desirable. As I mentioned in last week’s Motivational Makeup Monday, these topics are to discuss what makes up our beautiful bodies and how we can enhance the beautiful skin that we are in.

This week’s topic is about just that - our skin. As I have grown older, I have noticed the gray hairs or just hair, period, growing in places that I don’t want it to be in - on my chin, on my chest. It causes hair bumps. Because of that and the fact that I’m going through menopause, I get dark spots and acne. I feel less than beautiful some days.

But this is why I use makeup to enhance the beauty that I know is there. I know I am a confident woman. I just need a little boost every now and then. Watch my video and let me show you how I use makeup to help boost my confidence.

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My health journey has been an interesting one. Over the past year, I have had a lot of interesting new developments that have been quite overwhelming. I have not known where to start with telling my story, so I guess I will start with the most recent development - the specimen cup. Oh, such an ugly little thing!

A couple of weeks ago, I was given this thing of pure ugliness (to me) to capture fluid from my nose. But why is this thing so ugly to me? Well, it IS just a cup, but it is what it represents. It collects some of the nastiest things. In the past, I’ve had to put urine and poop in one of these things. So to me, to now have to carry this thing around with me in my purse at all times just seems so uncouth, unladylike - so ugly (as my grandmother would have said if she were alive). But here I am, the bearer of this CUP! This freakin’ cup! And to have to capture fluid leaking from my nose, of all things! I can’t daintily wipe it away with my handkerchief or napkin. I have to just let it flow it this damned CUP - AND COLLECT! No STEWWWW! EWWWW! Until there is enough to be tested!!! UGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

Okay, so let me come back to my senses and explain…

Back in December, I attended a work event during which my nose began to run profusely with clear liquid. This, along with several other alarming symptoms, prompted a series of events that led to my being seen by several doctors over the next several months. I ended up having a spinal tap in February to drain fluid to relieve pressure, which also helped stop the profuse leakage that was happening from my nose. However, it did not stop it from draining lightly. When I mentioned it to my neuro-opthalmologist about the potential cerebrospinal leak, I was told to see an ear-nose-throat (ENT) doctor to get a final ruling. My ENT (awesome guy by the way) is the one who gave me the dreaded cup! LOL.

Unfortunately, at this point in the game, because I am only draining lightly, it has been difficult to get a good collection of fluid, so I am having to walk around with this cup to collect enough fluid for him to test to see if the fluid is truly cerebrospinal fluid (CSF). However, in the meantime, my ENT sent me to have a CT scan to see if any CSF fluid was sitting in any pockets in my head, causing the severe headaches/migraines that partially prompted my doctor’s visits.

This is where it gets interesting.

While I was at my appointment with him, he had done a clearing of my nasal passage with a liquid (a nasal spray called Atrovent) so that he could see if there was anything causing fluid to drain from my nasal cavity. It immediately cleared me ALLLLLLL the way up! I was breathing freely for several days!!! Y’all!!! However, I did tell him at that appointment that I felt a tinge of pain above my left eye and asked him if that was normal. He said that was NOT normal. He told me to let him know if that persisted.

That pain did last several days in the form of a slight headache. I didn’t say anything about it to him initially, but I did take note of how long it lasted so that when I did talk to him again, I could mention it. I had my CT Scan done and the results came in within a few days. Then he emailed me.

My ENT, “There does appear to be missing bone at the cribriform plate, which separates the brain from the nose in the smell receptor area. Therefore, it’s important to obtain the nasal fluid for beta 2 transferrin analysis”. Y’all, I ain’t never googled more than you could google in your googlin’ life!!!

MISSING BONE!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!

I told my wife, and she was like, “Of course! 😶You’re so weird!” I don’t take offense because she’s so used to hearing such weird diagnoses from me about me at this point.

But my goodness, missing bone! No wonder I have headaches. No wonder I’m feeling lightheadedness. No wonder!!! You see, this is why you people have to know your bodies and SPEAK UP when something doesn’t feel right. I told him in the reply that the headache did remain after the appointment, and he said that the missing bone is probably why. The fluid problem went further up into my cavity than it should have.

You’ve got to advocate for yourselves, people! I guess I should worry so much about the ugliness of this damned cup, as long as it is going to get me the answers that I need.

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Looking at me
What do you see?
Do you see my imperfections?
Do you see that I question everything about me?
Do you see that I'm lonely
Although I'm not alone?
Do you see this disheveled mess
That I try so desperately to hide
Cause my pride
Won’t let you see
The real me?
Do you see that I sometimes
Cry myself to sleep?
Do you see that I am trying hard
Not to let you peep
Into my existence
The resistance
Makes me weak
But I try to stay strong
Am I wrong
For conducting myself this way?
By keeping my real self at bay?
To protect myself
From being hurt 
Or am I making things worse
By not allowing the real me
To be loved
I’ve shoved
All emotions, secrets, fears
Into my locked closet
With me
As the only bearer of the key
Never wanting that door unlocked
But now
I’ve blocked
True love
From ever knowing me
Cause I’ve been
Trying so hard
To keep people
From growing with me 
Maybe it’s time now
To let you see my true being
By freeing
Myself
From myself
Releasing the whole me
Into the world
Or at least your world
Maybe you can help me
Be truly free
Allowing me to see my beauty
And know that
I am flawed perfectly
I guess it’s time
To give you the key
So that you can see 
The inner me, flawed
Perfectly imperfectly!

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This is the first installment of a series of topical content centered on beauty, cosmetics, and skincare. I will also incorporate a wellness component, particularly in relation to my own health. I will do so through video content and will also debut some cosmetic and skincare products that you may utilize. The videos will be behind a paywall, so a paid subscription will be required. However, you may read a brief description of the video below.

This week’s topic is regarding my struggle with alopecia.

In my early 20s, I discovered that my hair was thinning in a very dramatic way. I was being crowned as Ms. Concert Choir at my university. So naturally, I wanted to go get my hair done. At the time, I was still getting my hair relaxed but had not done so for a while. Because I was away at school, I went to a hairstylist that I don’t normally go to. When she was done with my hair, I took the handheld mirror in hand to review her work, and I thought she had thinned out my hair. I was livid. I cried so hard over this. But what could I do? I had to be on stage in a couple of hours. I looked at pictures from recent months and asked friends, and sure enough, my hair had been thinning out.

It progressively got worse, so I decided to stop relaxing my hair to see if that would help. It did! I was like, “Oh my God! There was definitely some truth to the fact that ‘perms are killing us’ rumors! Then my world was rocked again when I was misdiagnosed with lupus, and I was put on medications that further made my hair fall out. And that was that!!! I’ve been wearing wigs ever since.

I go into more details about my hair now and my journey to acceptance and vulnerability about this alopecia diagnosis in the video. But you’ve got to subscribe to learn more! So click that button!

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We get so used to compartmentalizing and condensing ourselves into digestible sizes for the right moments. 150 characters for Twitter/X, 1 hour for therapy, 500-1000 word essays, elevator pitches, and so on. When does anyone ever sit down and really feel like they can just tell their whole self?

I guess this is now my time, but now what? I've had to edit my life so much because of scrutiny. I've had to filter my words in the past because people tend to take them harshly or share my private thoughts with others. I've never truly had the space to share myself wholly and authentically and be fully appreciated without some level of jealousy or spite. I've learned to withhold accomplishments and accolades from public knowledge because of it. It's why my wife is still discovering 15 years in things that I've done in my life.

As I looked back over my poetry, I realized I used to speak so openly and fluidly about love and sex in my early 20s (don’t worry, I’ll share some of those poems with you on Wednesdays). Y'all!!! I was desperate!!! Lol. But I was open. I miss that person. I was SO SO OPEN.

I know some life experiences hardened me, but I've got to get me back. I guess now that I'm retiring from my job - oh I guess I should mention that! BIG DEAL! After 20+ years on the job, I am retiring at the age of 45. It is bittersweet, and I will miss it, but I am hopeful for this next chapter in my life. I'll write another entry on my retirement. For now, back to finding me again. This filter has to be removed. I've got to stop masking my life behind the fear of judgment and retribution.

Well, I did do one thing in this post. I shared an accomplishment. That's one giant leap in the right direction! I guess now that I've gotten this little executive summary of why I tend to write in such short soliloquies out of the way, I've got to start giving you all the nitty-gritty of my life every week, if you're interested.

Let me know what you think.

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As I was going through my journals from the mid-2000s (like 2006-2007), I came across the start of a poem that I did not finish. I’m going to take this opportunity to finish it now. Based on what I started, I was trying to get myself back on a clear path towards my goals, quite similarly to what I’m doing now.

I am on a new journey, as I am retiring next month, and am currently on medical leave because of health challenges. And because these last six months have been such a doozy, it’s been hard to see the forest for the trees.

This poem is currently untitled, but hopefully, you can help me name it. What you see before the paywall is what was started back then. If you want to continue reading, you’ll need to subscribe!

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The sounds of night bring flight
To a host of dreams that I used to have
The devil laughed
As I let go of them all
And let them fall 
By the wayside
My pride kept me from taking many strides
Towards greatness
I HATE THIS!
Trying to find the peace
That was supposed to come many times before.
The door left open
Awaiting my entrance.
Since birth I've known my path.

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Through these posts, I’ll discuss my insecurities with my skin and hair and what I do to motivate myself daily. For paid subscribers, I’ll provide you with exclusive discount codes for some of my products.

I look forward to seeing you soon!

The constant back and forth has been driving me insane with very few answers until recently. It is so important to have a great team of doctors (specialists) to help you figure out things. I am thankful that I have been with Kaiser Permanente my entire life and that I have doctors at my disposal. I know that some of you do not. I’d like to take this time to thank Dr. Rivera, my neurologist, for taking the care and concern to truly listen to me and also send me to a neuro-ophthalmologist to ensure that I wasn’t going to lose my eyesight during this process. It has been determined that I have migraines. But we weren’t so sure before this. They thought I was having a stroke. They thought my optic nerve was damaged. They thought of so many other near-death things. But now migraines, we can manage. But in the process, y’all, I had to DRIVE!

I had to drive with blinding headaches. I had to drive with light sensitivity. I had to drive with my ears ringing. I had to worry if I was going to make it to these locations to determine what was wrong with me. That’s the ONLY issue I have with Kaiser. They need to expand to other parts of Georgia.

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I hope you like.

I had a voice once. It was valued. It was full of power, of truth. 
It was beautiful, soft, and melodic…soothing. 
It was pure and honest. 
It was light and airy.
My voice gave comfort.
My voice was like a mother’s hum as a baby lay upon her chest.
My voice was MY voice…and now it’s been lost…NO…STOLEN!
Stolen by hurt…frustration…anger…impatience.
It was made to feel off-key, irritating, lost!!!
GONE!!!
My voice…my sweet voice.
My sweet, beautiful, sincere voice is gone!
And I have no idea how to get it back. 
I’ve been orally raped. 
My precious gift was circumcised from my body, from my spirit. 
And I desperately want it back. 
I yell, scream with throngs in the air. 
No bellowing echos heard here.
No perfect pitch. No truth. No honesty. No care. No soulfulness.
They are all lost. Fallen on deaf ears.
My lyrical angel has lost its wings…and what’s an angel without its wings?
How do I get it…HER back?
My sweet, beautiful voice?
“Ne me quitte pas”
“Ne me quitte pas!!!”
PLEASE DON’T LEAVE!!!
Come back my voice!!! I need you!!!
For without, I am nothing!
Please don’t go! 
You are within reach…I can hear you!
But why can’t anyone else?!?!?

- Originally written on 3-15-2012 - 

Nina Simone's Ne Me Quitte Pas

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So I struggled with what my first post on this platform was going to be. I do not want this just to be a rant and rave session about current events. I want to take you on a journey inside my head. I want to be able to release some of the angst that I feel. I NEED to release it. It’s been a long time since I have written anything, not just for a reader, but just for myself. I’ve had so much pent-up emotion, anger, hurt, and frustration hiding within the walls of my body for several years, dying to be set free on the pages of a notepad, typewriter, computer, journal, whatever. This is a coming home to when I used to be a creative…a singer, a dancer, a free-spirit, a WRITER.

So well now! That was a hell of an introduction huh!?! Let me truly introduce myself. I’m Roslyn! Hey y’all! Yup! You caught that! I’m a southern girl! A real ATLien! What you will find with me is a mixed bag of southern charm, sarcasm, high intellect, dark humor, sassiness, angst, and a lot more. I’ve got a lot of years of stories to tell. I am a 45-year-old married woman born and raised in Atlanta, GA, but living in Macon, GA. I have 4 furbabies whom I LOVE dearly. I am currently on leave from work and will be retiring within the next two months, but shhh, don’t tell them that!

I guess I’ll start my journey with the fact that I’m depressed! Yes, I’ll admit that here. I’m truly depressed. So you will find that I hide behind laughter. Oftentimes, through my storytelling, you will travel through highs and lows with me because I will make you laugh and cry because of my own emotional state. It has been hard for me to admit to my depression. It has only been recently and through therapy, in recent years that I have come to terms with it. It is only now that I am even writing the words on the page, “I am DEPRESSED!” Goodness. How many more times do I need to say it? LOL. I guess I’ll stop now. I think you get the gist. I only harp on this because I USED to be a POSITIVE POLLY - like seriously! It is in my DNA. Even by blood type is B positive! LOL

But seriously. It has been hard you guys. I’ve been through a lot of things over the past several years that have brought me here. I hope you are willing to take this ride with me. As we travel, I will share my poetry from years ago. If you know me, some of it used to be quite SPICY! I’ll post at least twice a week - Sundays and Wednesdays. So, try to keep up!

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