Anyway, I finished Yellowstone. It took me all but 8 days to blow through five seasons. Where do I go after this? Do I just watch it on a loop for the rest of my life? Do I just add every miscellaneous character from the #ranch into my maladaptive daydream universe?

xo, culturework

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In the Love Island journey, there are moments when the internet feels insane, like the commentary and the discourse, and the sentiments we’re pulling out of our tinfoil hats are just too much, just too far gone. We get called bullies, told we’re taking things too far and that we’re so susceptible to editing that we’ve begun making up fantasies. Calling an otherwise normal couple “toxic” when in reality, everything is just fine and everyone is simply exaggerating.

I lied.

My favorite moment is actually when we’re all proved right, and the the guy in said couple finally has a moment to air his grievances, and, almost as if he’s hacked our phones, runs down the same checklist we have here in our internet group chat.

Hello Sincere. Hello Melanie.

Quickly…

• That time Melanie very obviously and successfully located Sincere (slight build, long hair) in a blindfold challenge, yet went off to kiss Corbin a few times just because.

  

• That time Melanie tweaked over the arrival the new male bombshell I’m just calling Buster (white man from the South officially named Caleb). Doing it wildly while literally handcuffed to her man her man her man.

• That time she got triggered (yet again) when having very a basic conversation, forcing Sincere to pretty blankly remind Melanie of the concept of reciprocity, and how it just doesn’t exist on her end.

In a confessional, Melanie tells the camera that she had a nightmare where a bombshell came in and stole Sincere. Listen, I lived in an L.A. apartment for literally 10 years never had a single dream set in that apartment, building, or block. But, after a week you’re being sent visions on a man you barely like? Yeah, something’s off here.

Luckily for Sincere, the entire internet held a global committee meeting to formally free him from these chains. A coordinated plan recouple him away from Melanie and release him into the arms of new bombshell Sol. She’s got a pixie, he’s got a mane, and together, their names make the perfect hashtag to ship: #SoSincere.

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When I mentioned earlier that some of the men have been getting cold feet, I was specifically talking about Zach, who spends most of his time looking directly into the camera.

I’m not saying he’s an ugly man, but I will say that Kayda has basically been doing charity work with this guy. He’s insecure and packaging up his indecisiveness as things just simply moving too fast.

Without missing a mother-fucking-beat, Kayda, a.k.a the queen of the getback, lets Zach know that she totally agrees, and announces she’s off to go talk to the new boy bombshell.

I don’t know about you, but I loved watching Zach’s face drop.

Zach, the man who spent about three episodes telling the world how much he prefers DARKER FEATURES, skips right over over the racially ambiguous bombshell, Sol, and runs off to pull Jen, the new white bombshell with blonde hair and big tits.

Who is shocked?

They talk about their shared love of One Direction and … Taylor Swift1. A conversation he initiates! He’s 26 and obsessed with Zayn. Maybe he, um, feels the same way about Zayn that he feels about Bryce…

That blonde goes off to have face sex with Gabe, and she did not seem to have the same reaction that Sol did after kissing him. Still, it seems that Gabe is just not quite her type.

Jen: “My type is really funny finance-type guys.”

Don’t worry Jen, they’re all yours!

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My favorite couple, Bryce and Trinity, a.k.a. #brinity a.ka. the Home Depot cashier and the Task Rabbit (I’m being serious), are slowly becoming the frontrunner. Are they end game? I don’t know. I got swept up in Peacock retargeting and accidentally started watching Yellowstone a few days ago (FIRST TIME EVER MY GOD WHY HAS NO ONE TOLD ME), and am honestly actually struggling to imagine a future where I have enough energy to even finish Love Island.

You know how you can tell when a guy watches entirely too much porn? That was Sean (the cop who’s gone), and that is also Corbin (who I keep wanting to call Jaden? Jalen?).

Kenzie tends to let her cooter do the thinking, and in her desperate quest to catch Corbin, made mistake of telling him all the freaky shit she likes to do. Now, unsurprisingly, all he wants to do is talk about all the freaky ass shit he wants to do!

I’m damn near moved to tears watching Kenzie nod and smile and keep the conversation going as her regret becomes more and more visible.

Kenzie, you wanted be picked and now you’re trapped with a horny lightskin ogre type, while the man of your country girl dreams is just feet away.

When she finally gets a chance to talk to Buster Tripp Shooter Caleb, it’s about pigs, and farms, and horses, and steak. Right up until he gets lost in her eyes and they kiss.

I love white love, but I still don’t think Caleb came all the way from North Carolina to find a blonde white southern sorority girl that he could pick off any bachelorette party train in Charleston. We’ll see.

What’s Corbin gonna do? Who’s he going to be with if Kenzie gets coupled with Caleb?!? How is he ever going to find another girl in the villa like Kenzie?

To say Aniya’s insecurities are getting the best of her this episode would be a lie. We’ve been dealing with this since the first episode. Throwing herself behind Sincere’s door, being left unpicked and effectively settling for KC, who, again, I think is great TV, but calls her “bro” and makes jokes at her expense. If I’m going to defend him, I’ll say he set the bar low and Aniya still chose to join him in building a house on a foundation on connivence.

She’s slowly becoming what some in my TikTok comments would call the “house mammy.” I’d more literally say that she’s simply being filed as a “comfortable friend to all” that both the men and women across the villa see as a safe space they can vent to, unload their drama on, and appeal to for advice.

Her own sex appeal and desirability is fading every time she extends that offer. The fire we’d hoped for —we were promised sexy singles! — the seduction and the flirty energy that we expect from the cast, here is being replaced with that of a middle aged guidance counselor.

She not just stuck on KC for now, she might be stick on KC forever. Unless the fans step in to change that.

Last night was our first vote of the season. The app broke for just about everyone except me.

My vote?

We manifested this for you, Sincere. We knew the moment the First Look dropped. You need someone you can light incense with and drink coconut water with. You deserve to be happy, and healthy, and unbothered while you grow out my future clip ins.

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xo, culturework

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The revelation from the first episode shook blonde haired, blue eyed Kenzie into a temporary spiral, as the man who was literally not forced to pair up with her passively let slip that she was not actually his type:

Slowly — slow by TV standards — one of the first duos to form this season unravels. The final game of the night is a recoupling test that asks the couples, who can’t see each other, to stand on a green dot if they want to stay with their current partner, or move to a red one if they want to leave and explore with the night’s new bombshells. To Kenzie’s shock (?), she and Zach are not on the same page.

He’s off to explore with Kayda, a new bombshell so racially ambiguous that the first question he asks her is about her ethnic background:

Her dad’s from Haiti, and her mom’s miscellaneous White (Irish, German).

I basically assume everyone on the island of Hispaniola is a little bit Black, even if they don’t want to admit it (cc: Dominicans), but we have no real clue what Kayda’s dad looks like or what his true ethnic background is.

She’s got light skin, straight hair, a slim frame, and a small angular nose. She could be anything really: Latina, Filipina, or Half Thai, Indian, Viet or any combination from southern Wasia.

The type of “exotic” that every plastic surgeon with a Miss Universe client specializes in:

He makes it clear that she’s exactly is his kind of “dark,” and upon return to the Villa and to the Islanders, make his decision official.

Goodbye, Kenzie. Hello, Kayda.

Pop Quiz: Which woman in the above photo is Black?

That, my friends, is the difference between “dark features” and “Black.”

While we’re on the topic of Black women damn near begging for white spotlight. Let’s try, and fail, at figuring out the psychology of exactly why we (y’all) do that!

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On to it…

We first meet Anaya and Kenzie, two squeaky Georgia peaches with big hair. First order of business, of course, is tradings star signs:

Kenzie: “I’m Gemini Moon. It makes sense because I’m emotional a lot!”

Anaya: “…At night?”

Kenzie: “No. It’s my moon sign.”

Anaya, despite her eagerness, is not aware that she’s secretly being cursed by her own entry interview. She’s a young independent baddie who says she gasses up her girlfriends with “you don’t need a man,” before uttering the infamous Love Island curse: “I’m here to meet my person, and I’m ready to settle down.”

Darling, this is not that show.

We already know Kenzie from her time on the frat party circuit.1 Yes, that’s right, the one who channelled the ghost of Sydney Sweeny Cassie, who just finished haunting us, in the opening music video. Undoubtedly given extra screen time in the edit to replace Vasana:

Next, solo, we have Melanie, a Dominicana from Philly who immediately becomes the front runner based off of current IG/Influencer/Baddie beauty standards. But, as is the struggle of every beautiful girl, it’s quality, not quantity, that’s troubles her dating life. The people demanded real girls for this season, and we get them! Still, that doesn’t quite mean Melanie won’t be seen as a threat.

Trinity and Beatriz round out the girls for now. Bea, a single amputee Paralympian with endless Dad jokes that I’m just gonna chalk up to learning to cope with humor. Half the fun of having her here is listening to the announcer and his boggy Scottish accent struggle to pronounce her name.

Trinity is just here for vibes! Cute as a button, but with a looming lesson in blending contour just around the corner once the water challenges and UV rays kick in.

Enter the worst men in modern Love Island history!

I know we say this every season!

We have Bryce, a model-actor-handyman-DJ type from LA who, at 29, is the oldest on the show. The vibe is a concerningly accurate genetic mix of Walton Goggins and Michael Pitt. His claim to fame is being scouted to model for Calvin Klein, however, I can’t find a single bit of proof of that.

Him basically being a Task Rabbit handyman, and me drowning in endless renovations, means that I’m immediately endeared to him.

We have the charmer of the season, Sincere, who reminds me of a young Rick Gonzales. There’s also KC, suave, kind of awkward, and perhaps in need of some humbling. He gets it.

There’s Sean, a freaky ass cop (“He’s a Fed.”- KC) and a deadbeat dad. Because anyone who’d rather be on reality TV sucking pancake batter out of a strangers ear, and not at home with their two year old is a deadbeat.

Charlie from last season’s brother is also here, Zach. Reminds me of Charlie in the worst way, but with a much better nose.

I think that’s all of them!

After the required freaky quiz game where everyone makes out with each other, we finally get our (temporary) couples. Bryce literally sounds like he’s already got strep throat particles brewing by the time the post-game interviews start. 🤢

Melanie pairs off with Sincere, and both keep talking about a familiarity that they just can’t put their finger on. Both Eagles fans, both from the East Coast, and both with connections to North Philadelphia. Melanie’s hometown…and also the home of Sincere’s estranged father.

Siblings or dating?

After Zach reveals his nepo-Island connection, he’s immediately sized up by Kenzie as the best potential for a power couple. As predicted, the two pair up, though it becomes clear they have really nothing in common.

Kenzie: “I love your dark features.” (He’s white)

Zach: “I love your piercing blue eyes.”

The eyes in question.

Overall Freaky Score: 7/10

An average level of freaky. No hellos, no icebreakers. Just tell me your favorite sex positions (first), and if you like dogs, cats, or plants (second). The chew kissers (if that makes sense) of the season were more jarring than anything,

Exploitation Score: 6/10

Like Top Model, it’s really hard to be shocked with anything producers do on a show that’s been on air forever. Everyone seems to know what they signed up for, though I don’t remember people being this young on previous seasons?!

Worst Islander: Sean…who is starting to scare the hoes:

@24thickynickyLike sir what are you doing here? #loveisland #loveislandusa #peacock #fyp #greenscreen

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A cop who can’t kiss without choking someone? No.

Non-worst Islander about to have the worst time: Anaya

We love Anaya, but she’s requiring too many prayers from us this early in the show. Watch for the snakes, Anaya! Trust your gut, Anaya! Don’t be so naive, Anaya! Don’t let a man (Mr. KC) look you in the eye and tell you that he doesn’t really believe in all that Prince Charming stuff and would never put his jacket — metaphoric or not — down over a puddle for you.

It only took about 40 minutes for the young girl who’s bubbling interview was full of hope and love, to nod and accept her 50/50 fate with a man who’s more excited about her dad’s NBA career.

“I feel like this is an answered prayer!” — Anaya

Baby, God does not watch this show.

While we’re here…

My Secret Favorite: K.C.

He’s single-handedly helped me reset my exceptions for this season.

A handsome fuckboy who flatly admits that he likes to be chased, likes his freedom, but, you know, if the right woman who meets all of his requirements comes along, he might change things.

Do we tell him that he’s on an island with like only 5 women to choose from? Or, do we sit back and watch those unchecked delusions make amazing TV this summer?

If we want the mess this season, we’re going to have to collectively fight to keep him on. He’s the only one whos got the Ace Greene twinkle in his eye.

Here for the Wrong Reasons: Zach

Because why was he making more eye contact with me (and the cameras) than with Kenzie??

First to Beef: Trinity and Melanie

• There were a coupleeeeee edits of Trinity sending side-eyes at Melanie, which tells me there’s only one woman she sees as competition. They’ll be fighting for bombshells (maybe even Gabriel?!) when the eventual time comes to lock down a couple.

Best Brand Integration: Every commercial break and every pause meant yet another former contestant (or two!) forcing some consumer products down our throats. Jeremiah and Hannah (S7) for Smirnoff Ice, Olandria (S7) for Poppi, Hannah and Amaya (S7) for Maybeline, JaNa (S6) for CreditOne. Grand prize goes to Iris and TJ’s Hellman’s Spicy Mayo ad. Mostly because TJ sometimes throws on a blaccent, and, you know, the jokes write themselves.

The best part of the first episode is of course, the final act, where everyone gets sobers and starts looking at each other. Really looking at each other. Looking over each other’s shoulders and rubbing the haze out of their eyes. When they come to terms with the fact that yes, they did survive the night, but don’t actually like the person they’re with, and just want to get through it until maybe kinda sorta someone new comes along.

Like clockwork, Ariana reappears with a new game and the chance to recouple.

Prayers, for some, are answered.

Bombshells…

We finally see Gabriel, who was introduced to us during cast announcements, but was relegated to bombshell to even out the pool after N-Word girl was sent home. He’s joined by Kayda who’s similarly hot the like Maluma and Adriana Lima kind of way.

Looking at the roster, I’m not sure which of the other guys could’ve reallllyyyyy been re-assigned to bombshell other than him. Everyone’s cute and handsome in their own way, but only Gabe really has the required sex appeal needed to truly bombshell.

Anyway, on tonight’s episode (Wednesday!) we get the first set of tears of the season, and find out exactly who passes the show’s first loyalty test.

You can watch the first look for tonight’s episode here.

See y’all in the chat!

LOVE ISLAND CHAT

Love Island USA is more than a show — it’s an exercise in discipline! A forceful annual command to have our dinners made, cocktails (or mocktails) poured, skincare routines completed, and our favorite couch blankets ready by the time the clock strikes 9PM (or 6PM for us on the west coast).

(As a single girl, it also provides the added benefit of giving me equal parts stomach butterflies and suffocating cringe, and makes me never ever want to date again. It saves me from heartbreak, Hinge, and ever craving a man all up in my space.)

For this season, I’ll be making my Substack the exclusive home for all my Love Island USA content. The recaps, reads, and rants you love from TikTok, the essays and episode digests you know and love from Substack. All here, all in one place.

We’ll also keep a Love Island USA chat running all season!

THE CHAT

💰: Paid subscriber friends, they’ll be plenty of exclusive sends just for you, including private chats once the chaos truly starts.

And just like everything else in life, we’ll keep it going until the producers, Islanders, or voters collectively annoy or anger us enough to abandon the show mid-season. We’ll vote before we do!

For those new here…

Love Island USA season 8 airs tonight at 9:00 p.m. ET / 6:00 p.m. PT on Peacock. This week — premiere week! — we’ll be getting a new episode every day.

Then, back to our usual schedule: Sundays, Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. Wednesdays off! Love Island: After Sun (the Peacock official recap show) airs Saturdays! (Did I get that right?!)

See ya in the chat.

xo, culturework

xo, culturework

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At the center of a destroyed friendship, a man I can’t believe either woman gave a chance. So, how exactly did he do it?

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For those who can’t totally leave L.A. and decamp to Mamdani’s New York, may I suggest doing what I did and move to a nothing town in nowhere California? Yes, the vibes can be a little MAGA, but their fear of 5G towers and chemtrails also means they’re protesting data centers and Flock cameras at every town council meeting. (Q Anon might’ve inadvertently birthed a more actively progressive base than DSA ever has! Insane, but active!). You know what, let me stop, more on that down below.

xo, culturework

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Some sad news — my beloved grandmother passed away.

The single most cultural influence in my life, my friend, a true stubborn Taurean, the woman who bonded me to New York City arts and culture. A frequent flier who had global adventures in Europe and Asia under her belt long before I was born, with photos of her travels introducing me to places like Amsterdam, Japan, Paris, and Notre Dame long before textbooks did.

A full life with children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren who’ll have memories of her. Children, of course, aren’t the only thing that make a woman’s life full.

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(I might need to kick off my annual summer rewatch of Scandal a little early.)

xo, culturework

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Allegedly!

And, a really good friend of m…

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I was once 14, but today, I’m 41.

(It’s my birthday. Wish me happy birthday.)

A few weeks ago my mom sent me my #box — my high school yearbook, my Dorney Park season pass1, a half finished scrapbook, an…

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The woman who’s doing the documentary, a layperson who basically acts like a mole to film them all and build a case against the psycho, looks exactlyyyyyy like Gerri from Succession.

If you close your eyes tight enough, you’re transported to a world where Gerri leaves New York after getting fired from Waystar Royco and moved to rural Utah, befriends a bunch of Mormons in a cult, and becomes a documentary filmmaker.

It’s that uncanny.

xo, culturework

• How much effort do the people really deserve? (@culturework)

• New Tennessee Child Exploitation Law (Senate Bill 1469) Prompts Kid-fluencer Families To Flee The State (PopCult With Cassie)

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A few months ago, I predicted Justin Bieber’s Grammy performance would probably set the temperature for what his Coachella set would deliver, and, of course, I was right:

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There are two tribes of Coachella TikTokers and they’re both chasing something. Both lost their field trips, proms, graduations, and third spaces to Covid lockdowns. Both had to step out as adults into a very new, very strange post-pandemic world. One that is much less fun, affordable, and connected than the one we had before. Depending on who you ask, that makes the internet either the perfect place to engineer your own reality, or an isolating distraction worth rebelling against in favor of something more hopeful and more real.

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Somewhere, on some publicist’s laptop in Century City, there’s a list of demands we’ll never get to see:

Jacob’s not doing press so don’t ask. And he’s not taking his sunglasses off.

Keep Sam away from Zendaya.

We won’t be doing any group photos.

And we’re only staying for 15 minutes.

And, somewhere in the replies is an email from HBO saying “yes” to all of it.

Euphoria season 3 had its Hollywood premiere Tuesday night and not even the beautiful boulder in the middle of the red carpet could distract us from an awkward set of castmates working overtime to avoid each other.

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xo, culturework

There’s nothing more depressing, as a millennial, to be given not one, but two Michael Jordan-esque figures in my lifetime, and to have to watch them both crumble into absolute hell. One shilling unsupervised Ozempic prescriptions and the other now fully descended into Rob Ford territory. The Ambien (and Dilaudid), the sex addiction and homely Perkins waitresses, the Terranea rollover crash he got away with, a man who’s now dating runoff sludge from the Trump family sewer … it’ll all be, like Rob, in the headline of his obituary.

• “I’m On The Phone With The President” — Tiger Woods (CNN)

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Fourteen weeks into the year, 28 posts, and about 50,000 words published, let’s recap everything that’s gone down these last few months!

xo, culturework

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Introducing “The Jay-Z Interview,” a fresh GQ drop littered with the expected nonsense that comes out of Jay’s mouth: spiritual and emotional guidance wrapped up in game day references, limericks about zen, bravado, blessings, mindset, and being in the “pocket” and applying pressure. “Acceptance” as a deeply profound concept. Everything, as usual, feels like an exhausting rhetorical question and I imagine Jay pointing to his temple after every sentence, waiting for gasps and “oohs’ and “ahhs.”

For years, I’ve been reminding you how Jay-Z not only benefits from corporate hypebeasts disguised as journalists, like here, but from the cultish fan behavior attached to his most valuable project, Beyonce. I famously called his relationship

“one of the most strategic things he’s ever done,” and explained how she’s successfully built both an army and an alibi for the man we all used to know as Jigga. I suspected then, that like with Diddy, the open secrets of Jay-Z’s youth may produce an unavoidable reckoning. Though forces, like GQ, seem to be working against that.

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