There’s an unsubscribe button right there if you have had enough of my incompetence. I know I have.

I’ll have something silly that willfully ignores the ongoing dumpster fire of the outside world soon.

bob

TL;DR: make a space that signals your brain that it’s time to work, and layer stimulation so it can focus.

Before I was diagnosed/medicated with/for ADHD, (oh, here we go) I struggled with focus. I had everything I worked for; complete autonomy, enough creative rope to hang myself and a private bathroom, yet I wasted the day making super clever, hilarious comments on Twitter.

To break this cycle, I thought of a time I felt creative and focused. I went all the way back to high school. I was a crappy artist, but I couldn’t wait to spend time in my bedroom with my airbrush and records. Everything felt different from the outside world and focus and flow came easily. The music, the quality of light, the smell of the paint told my brain why we were there and it was pretty happy about it. If I could capture that feeling in my studio, maybe I’d be more interested in work than serving delightful, dare-I-say-genius one-liners to an appreciative internet fanbase.

Here’s how to signal to your brain that it’s time to work.

Make your creative space unique.

Now that you are protecting your ice cube and managing your news intake, take time to think about your workspace. It has to feel like a special, personal space that is uniquely your own. Even for a couple of hours. Even if you work at the kitchen table, make a different world than when you ate breakfast.

Varied and layered stimulation.

Your space can’t be too loud or too quiet. Your brain needs things to look at, feel, hear and smell besides the thing you want it to do. Just enough things.

Record player

Am I a vinyl junkie who eschews modern technology? No. But my turntable doesn’t have instagram and records are about 20 minutes per side. My son is a musician and he shows me new music a lot. He’ll hang out and play records while I draw pictures. It’s nice.

No phone

You’ve heard this a million times. No phone, specifically social media. A lot of days I livestream my work session for paid subscribers. Not only is it an amazing experience for everyone involved, I can’t access my phone to dip into instagram real quick.

Noise Cancelling Headphones

If I’m drawing I listen to anything, but writing I like ambient music. Using the headphones shuts out the world and lets me focus on my writing. Plus they are building a building next door and it’s loud.

“Cool! Is it a candy, fireworks, puppy dog store?”

I wish. It’s like a financial investment business wealth management khaki pants casual Friday store. Something I will never, ever need.

Smelly smells

I like my studio to smell more like the lobby of a Westin Hotel and less like a grown man has been holed up in there for almost 20 years.

Plus my brain likes the novelty and thinks it’s time to work. Stupid brain, that guy will believe anything.

Comfy pants

Special high performance activewear I wear in the studio. You know, sweatpants. Perfect for my active lifestyle or impromptu naps. Oh, and slippers.

Comfy chair

I love this chair. I screwed up my back and haven’t sat in it for over a year. Why? Because nobody has it harder than me. I do sit on the floor to work a lot. Changing position and POV counts as novelty to my gullible brain. Hope it never reads this, it’s also petty and vindictive.

Lighting

Lighting is an easy way to switch a space into work mode. I have a small table lamp for drawing and a big giant lamp for making videos. They both keep me on task. Of course natural light is the best, and if you can manage to start at the same time everyday, your super special space will have the same vibe from day to day.

Visual cues

I project different things on the wall of my studio depending on what I’m working on. A lot of jellyfish, bears, concerts, plus movies and tv shows I’ve already seen. That way I don’t have to pay too close attention. I noticed I get a lot of drawing done watching TV on the sofa at night, so that’s a good balance of watching/working.

Super fun mechanical keyboard

Oh man, I love it. It’s snappy and makes a fun clacky noise when I type. I love using it.

“Is it a Nuphy Air75 with Gatreon brown tactile switches?”

That’s the one.

The timer!

Always the timer.

Okay, good luck. Let me know if you have any questions. Oh, and let me know if you have any other cool tips to wall off the horrors.

I mean, I’ve never actually tried, so maybe I do. Probably 50/50 chance, right?

Until I know for certain, I’ll imagine I can. This is called Schrödinger’s Confidence.

Look at me, knowing another language! It’s not even a useful one. I might go to Amsterdam, but they all speak English anyway. I must have picked it up as a hobby and forgot that I put in all those hours. Wow, all that self-motivated study. I sound like a pretty interesting person.

Maybe I’m smart at science too. Let’s see.

Whoa! Did I just discover a clean and efficient source of unlimited renewable energy? Sure looks that way.

“Hey Bob, Isn’t that the formula for the area of a circle? But with a little drawing of pie instead of the symbol for pi?” That was you just now.

What? How would I know? Why don’t you say nay somewhere else, naysayer! Stop holding back science with your nosey questions and negativity. Science is based on hunches and vibes, not troublemakers like you. So go find another case to solve, Encyclopedia Brown. Maybe there’s a missing bike or a lemonade stand lacking the proper permits.

Look at that. Even if I’m not a for-real scientist (I am), I’m clearly qualified to be the Secretary of Health and Human Services.

Okay.

Speaking Dutch and solving science has given me an irrational sense of well-being. Which I’m guessing feels the same as a rational one. I wouldn’t know.

So think of a skill you’ve never tried. Guess what? There’s a good chance that you already know how to do it. Just don’t ruin it by trying.

Believe in yourself.

The Bob Shea Drawing Club

I’m launching a new drawing club for kids. It will have monthly activities, drawing videos and unfinished stories to solve. More details here. Sign up if you know some kids, or pass it along to smart kids who like art and fun. First issue goes out today. I have a call in a few minutes so later this afternoon I guess.

Bob Shea Drawing Club

Draw pictures and write stories with a for-real author!

I’m doing my first live drawing session today at 4pm EST. You can check that out here.

Oh, no update on the flannel shirt unfortunately.

Good news.

You guys get to vote on my flannel shirt for 2025. It’s like Fat Bear Week but without the fun or body shaming and I get a shirt.

Here are the nominees:

1. The blue one.

“Bob, this is a shirt-jacket, not a shirt. Shouldn’t it be disqualified?”

You’re right, but look how handsome I’ll be.

2. The not plaid one.

“This one isn’t even plaid!”

You’re killing me. Look, it looks super comfy and has a nice thick weave. I can already imagine myself falling asleep in a chair when I’m supposed to be working.

3. Both plaid and a shirt.

Happy now?

4. Waffles!

“This is a solid color shirt-jacket! It’s not a flannel shirt at all!”

Yeah, but waffles.

Owning a flannel (or solid color shirt-jacket) apparently involves drinking coffee outside wearing a knit cap and a pensive look. That part I can do. Flannel culture would also like me to sit in the bed of my vintage pickup pan frying a rainbow trout caught with my fly rod next to the lake I’m camping at while wearing inappropriate boots. That’s not happening. Fresh water fish is gross and I don’t have any of those other things.

So here’s a Bob-specific real-world flannel (or solid shirt-jacket) use case. Here I am being shocked by something in the news moments after saying, “nothing shocks me anymore.”

Print four copies and color each with a different flannel (or solid color shirt-jacket) option. Draw a bunch of fun stuff around me that I would like. Dogs, maybe?

Okay, now that you’ve seen all the shirts in context, time to vote! Choose wisely as my wife will be seeing me in this every day until about mid-June of next year.

Time to vote!

Great!

As a special thank you for helping me pick a flannel shirt (or solid color shirt-jacket), draw yourself having a great time with me on my donkey. Don’t forget to put me in the flannel (or solid color shirt-jacket) you voted for! Print a bunch of copies and leave them around the house to color as an analog escape from pretty much everything.

Thanks everyone, results soon!

I guess I should promote my books.

Hey! If you order one of my books from RJ Julia, my local independent bookseller, I’ll sign it for you! It’s true! I’ll even write your name or the name of the smart person who is about to get a special, once-in-a-lifetime gift that they will cherish forever.

Order here!

There’s no Bearsuit Turtle Pre-order offer anymore, it’s out now. You can still get it though, it’s very good. People seem to like it.

Here are some books you and all your friends might like.

Good news. There is a way.

Introducing Chat B-O-B.

Here’s the plan. Using my cunning and stealth, I replace myself with an exact replica made from an orange Home Depot Bucket outfitted with the latest AI capabilities.

I’d train my custom GPT in all my behaviors and common phrases.

It sounds just like me, check it out:

• I promise I’ll be careful.

• I’m not gonna spill it, geez!

• Ugh! Great! My white shirt! I’m so clumsy!

• Can you grab me a paper towel?

• Is it noticeable? It’s not so bad, right?

• Where’s my Tide pen?

• Think I should use bleach?

• The internet said to use vinegar, but that just made it worse.

• I know it’s only 8 o’clock, but I’m tired. I’m going to bed.

Look, I can’t just drop a speaker in a plastic bucket and pass it off as me. I’m not an idiot, I know that 90% of design is design. First, I’m pretty handsome, so I’ll glue a picture of the 70’s brawny paper towel guy to the front. Plus I’ll include analog controls so you can dial Chat B-O-B to the appropriate level of me for any social situation. Form and function.

To make the swap I’ll put a baguette, that nice Irish butter and some Maldon salt in and around Chat B-O-B. My wife is pretty good at noticing when something is a little off, but she’ll turn a blind eye for fresh bread.

A kiddie pool filled with nutrient-rich goo.

Now that Chat B-O-B has assumed my identity, it’s time to take it easy. I’ll spend my days carefree in a kiddie pool filled with nutrient-rich goo. The pool will act as an impromptu float tank where I’m free to plumb the depths of human consciousness. I’ll also have VHS tapes of early seasons of The Simpsons since the first thing sounds boring. I’ll place the consciousness vessel in a grassy spot behind the shed and pull a sheet of plywood over top so spiders can’t get me.

You’re right, I am like a brave astronaut.

There’s no gatekeeping at Bob’s Shea-nanigans, here are the plans so you can make your own.

You’re welcome.

As a testament to my design abilities, Chat B-O-B will be accepted without question by everyone in my life.

Chat B-O-B doesn’t snore, so my wife will finally get some rest. Sure, she senses there’s something different about me, but why rock the boat when futuristic bucket husband has a sensor that confirms the chicken does indeed smell bad. Smelling things for freshness is a big part of my former human job.

My son can scan a QR code on the side of CHAT B-O-B for poke bowl money. This will keep him from becoming suspicious. In the absence of my super interesting and unwelcome talks about mindfulness and random facts about dancehall soundsystem culture of the early 90’s, he’s not about to ask questions.

Sure, publishers will be suspicious when Chat B-O-B turns in work on time and typo-free, but sending me on tour through the mail and not getting stuck with my bar tab will quash their curiosity.

My friend Lane will be upset because the bucket can’t eat pancakes and walk around. But he’ll come by and toss a couple pancakes in my goo and watch Simpsons with me. Simpsons isn’t his favorite, but he’s a good friend. Maybe we can fill a wheelbarrow with goo and he can take me on hikes?

There I go again, ruining a solid idea by making it too complicated.

Eventually my family would replace corporeal Bob with Chat B-O-B in their hearts and minds. My son would find Chat B-O-B handy for simple inquiries like, “Is it okay to call Mom’s new boyfriend Dad?”

As years pass, my son will bring his own family for a visit. Chat B-O-B would tell him there’s a kiddie pool behind the shed. He’d find my bones scattered around the yard by scavengers and think I had been a raccoon or a possum. He’s not outdoorsy.

Oh, almost forgot, I die in there. I forget how.

His kid would think his raccoon, or a possum grandad was gross and cool and want to keep my sun-bleached skull. Ryan would say no because he wouldn’t want another thing cluttering up his house and I might have mites or rabies or something, how should he know? He’d ask Chat B-O-B if he was this inquisitive and energetic when he was little. Then they’d both laugh and drink iced tea.

So next time someone starts complaining about all the harm AI does, share my heartwarming story about a life well-lived.

Bearsuit Turtle proofs!

Look! Your favorite amphibian-cosplaying-a-mammal is back! In the spring!

I have to check these for color, and so far my only note is that they seem to be scattered on my floor. Will the finals be like that?

For now you can buy a lot of copies of Bearsuit Turtle Makes. a Friend at your local independent bookseller! Tell them Bob sent you! Their look of confusion is part of a little game we play.

Oh, here’s a peek into my writer’s notebook.

So keep your eyes peeled for that gem.

Sorry if you are receiving this twice, it won’t be a regular thing.

Here’s part one of a series of time-consuming, expensive and pointless projects I’ve started and never completed in my never-ending quest for dopamine.

The projects are fun but ultimately unrealistic. They’re funrealistic!

Hey look! It’s my would-be game show, Jackpot Basement!

The idea was a weekly book giveaway hosted by my son. It would feature my books and the books of visiting author friends. The official reason was to build an online audience, but I really wanted to build a shop-vac-based lottery-style ball machine The logistics of the giveaway could be sorted out later, I had a shop vac to buy.

Some of the kid lit celebs I’ve had in my basement.

Sergio Ruzzier!

Laurie Keller!

Charise Harper!

But wait, there’s more…

Yes, I made shirts.

Yes, I made a stamp.

Screen printed photo backgrounds? Yes!

Okay, so here’s how it was supposed to work:

Just kidding, I have no idea. People would have to enter by commenting on or liking a post, then I would assign them a number, I guess? Then I’d shoot an episode and announce the winner? Then contact them for their physical address and mail out a book?

Sounds like a lot of work to show off my cool shop vac ball machine.

Let’s break it down:

Time Consuming?

Yes, just look at it.

Expensive?

Yes, just look at it.

Pointless?

Absolutely.

It never launched. I don’t remember exactly, but I’m sure my lil hobby got in the way of deadlines and I then had to crank to get a book done. My spotlight of attention can only point at one thing at a time.

A couple years later my son and I were drawing at a coffee shop. I told him my plans to start a blog.

He said, “Yeah, but you never do anything you say you’re going to do.”

I did the blog, but he was right. His quote is now framed on my desk.

Jackpot Basement taught me that I’m only one person. Even if I can do something, it doesn’t mean I should. I was excited to source the parts, design the graphics, that I could make it on desktop software, that I could shoot it on my phone (it was 2014), and that I already had screen printing stuff. Also, do you know how easy it is to make a rubber stamp? All you need is money! Seriously, why wouldn’t I take on a second full time job for the privilege of shipping out free copies of my books?

Just because I can, doesn’t mean I should. And in this case, I couldn’t. And yes, this is a lesson I should have learned decades before, like a regular kind of person.

The allure of super complex creative projects isn’t as compelling anymore. All that energy goes into working on my books. Guess I’m just older and wiser now. Maybe it’s from some honest reflection about where my priorities should be. Maybe all that meditation is finally paying off in the form a calmer, more reasonable mind.

I guess I’ll never know.

So are you saying you can never do anything silly and fun?

Not at all! I love silly, fun things and I think side projects and interests only help the creative work you do for work. I’m saying don’t tell my son or he’ll say something true and incredibly cutting.

The shop vac has come in handy around the house though.

If you’re a self-employed creative, click here to subscribe to I’ll do it Later.

I wrote my musician son a song and he doesn’t want it. You guys can have it.

My son Ryan is a talented musician and songwriter. His newly released indie rock album features catchy hooks, thoughtful lyrics and is on a loop in my head. One of my favorite tracks is,“Derivative” which he assures me isn’t about my career.

Here it is on Spotify.

Or you can buy it here on Bandcamp.

Apple Music!

I am incredibly proud of my son, but his album will never catch on. As good as it sounds, it lacks a youth-affirming summer anthem designed to catch fire in the pop charts.

Fortunately, his father is a very talented writer.

Ready?

GOOD TIMES AND HIGH FIVES

VERY GOOD MUSIC PLAYS. DRUMS MAYBE?

Cruisn’ round town with the top down!

Cruising is teen slang for “driving” and “top down” suggests a convertible of some type. “Round,” “Town,” and “Down” all rhyme, so it’s a non-stop party right out of the gate.

Picking up Skeet at the end of his shift!

Toss his tool box and thermos in the back and he’s ready to par-tay!

Ready to hit the cove!

Okay, you can’t see Skeet, but he’s covered in grease or coal dust. He’s like a welder or a miner. Something blue collar and all-American. Skeet is short for Skeeter, which is the nickname the gang gave him when they were little. So yeah, it’s the nickname of a nickname. They’re tight. Notice they are going to the “the cove” instead of “the residents-only town beach spot where the young people hang out,” because if you’re a young person you better believe you know about the cove.

Stop by the Tasty Freeze for a twist cone!

Beatrice says she’s lactose intolerant, so she didn’t get anything, but the vibes are tight and we’re feeling alright.

I stole the Tasty Freeze bit from a John Cougar Mellencamp song, but no one will ever know. Location specificity helps the listener paint a mental picture. That’s one of my many songwriting tricks. Also, we’ve all seen Beatrice eat yogurt and drink a big glass of milk but we won’t call out her attention-seeking behavior and kill the mood.

A BUNCH OF CLAPS. SYNTHS MAYBE?

Kent Moneybags wants to tear down the clubhouse.

That’s our summer spot! Where legends are made!

Time to make some flyers for the big show!

We’ll raise enough money to save it!

Whoa! Looks like it’s not all ice cream and downer Beatrice. I’ve introduced conflict. Surprise depth hidden under the infectious beat you’re imagining.

Now for the chorus/rallying cry:

Good Times!

High Fives!

Yeah!

Sunshine and friends!

Remember that song, “Walking on Sunshine”? That was a good song!

Greedy Kent Moneybags was a bit of a buzzkill, so the exciting chorus is a welcome respite. Also, I referenced very popular summer song for people who aren’t feeling this one.

Ol’ Moneybags thinks he can put up a state-of-the-art-non-profit children’s hospital on our party spot!

Not today Moneybags!

Those little babies will have to get their little-to-no-cost cancer treatments somewhere else!

Maybe the babies can hang with us when they are teenagers like we are! The cool babies anyway!

Okay, now I’m conflicted. Maybe Kent Moneybags isn’t so bad? Also, he’s not old, he’s like 36. Teenagers, right?

HAND CLAPS, CHORUS x5, THEN FADE.

Nice, right? Yeah, I like it too. My son hasn’t warmed up to it yet. Sometimes artists fear success.

Other helpful suggestions to help his music career:

Buy a jet. Taylor Swift has one and people seem to like her.

Draw a bunch of stuff on your face like Post Malone. I’m not sure who he is, but he makes Oreos, which is the pinnacle of any musical career.

Ryan can draw a bunch of useful stuff on his face like English to metric conversions and commonly misspelled words. Then people will hang onto his photo as reference.

In conclusion, my son’s music is great and you should check it out. It’s just not “High Fives and Good Times” great. Yet!

Okay. Moving on.

It’s not the heat it’s the humanity.* (kill me.)

Don’t look at the news. It’s way worse than you imagine. If you overheard someone talking about current events or saw a few minutes of news in a waiting room somewhere, I can only assume you’re reading this from under your blanket.

Ram Dass can help a little.

New substack for self-employed creatives.

I’ll Do It Later is my new substack for self-employed creatives who struggle to get their work done. Subscribe and you’ll get my Time Blobbing framework, a simple system to help you manage your time, attention and tasks.

Every week I’ll post a tip from 25 years of me sitting alone in a room.

Topics like:

• How to avoid distractions, like reading this Substack.

• You’re not lazy, you’re just a bad guesser.

• Running to the post office will take no time at all.

• What’s that humming noise?

• How to deal with imposter syndrome for big phonies like yourself.

• Let’s lower those expectations!

• How is it 5 o’clock already?

I’m also making a community of paid subscribers so we can Time Blob together. Don’t roll your eyes.

Plus a running series of my ADHD-fueled side-quests called, “Time Consuming, Expensive and Pointless”

It’s all real. Subscribe here! Do it now! Let me know if Time Blobbing makes sense. Also, sharing this with your creative chums would help me out a lot.

Next post tomorrow.

Oh! I just turned in the second book in the Bearsuit Turtle Series!

Drink water everyone.

* I stole this joke from my friend Karl. He wrote, “It’s not the heat it’s the hilarity” when we worked together at Comedy Central.

If I were in the rich person club, things would be different.

First of all, I’d buy this shirt. I’d buy it now, but it’s a little pricey and I already own similar shirts. Plus we’re getting into the warmer months and new shirt would sit in my closet until September. If I were rich, I’d probably need a new shirt to look nice on C-SPAN when I appear before congress.

Second, I’d buy twitter.

Just kidding!

Second, I’d solve the climate crisis, homelessness and fix the roads and schools. Oh yeah, implement universal basic income and healthcare. Vision AND dental. I’d give people a free lunch if they sat through a fun and informative animation about basic civics. Oh and universal pre-k. I’d do that too. And all the dogs get adopted. Free college. And churches and rich people like me would start paying taxes.

Sounds like I have a pretty high opinion of myself, like I can solve all these problems on my own. Nope, I’m just rich. Unless these problems can be solved by someone who knows a lot about plywood, my new miniature donkey and I would probably just be in the way of the scientists I hired.

Now that those things are sorted, I’d steer the nation to a pizza-based economy. Every corner of the country would get a piece of the economic pizza pie. Factories would make pizza ovens for everyone, the Midwest would grow flour for the dough, the south would grow sauce, we probably just buy basil from the store. Since no one knows where cheese comes from, I’d ask the newly out-of-work-because-they-solved-it climate scientists to work on that.

Everyone would have a job and pizza whenever they want.

But Bob, what if somebody doesn’t like pizza?

(That was you, being a naysayer.)

Don’t worry, I’m also building large, maximum-security prisons in faraway lands so we never have to listen to pizza-haters who are probably also criminals.

Kidding! Not even a rich person is capable of that kind of cruelty and disregard for the constitution. Misguided pizza-criminals can have salad or hot dogs. I don’t care. I’d make them a quesadilla or PB and J. I usually have the stuff on hand.

Okay, now that I’m rich we should talk about my rich-guy birthday.

There would be a town that was my birthday town. All the people who lived there would get lots of money and not have to work. They could work if they wanted, like at the new library, but mostly they’d pursue hobbies and interests while taking care of baby animals.

Every year on my birthday I’d casually walk around birthday town with my miniature donkey while wearing my robotic exoskeleton. I’d act nonchalant, like a normal not-rich person, running errands and talking about the latest mishap at the napkin factory that I read about.

“What idiot thought a pizza-based economy was a good idea,” I’d say.

All the people I’d meet would say, “Oh isn’t it your birthday? Happy birthday! Got any plans?” Even though they know it’s my birthday and I pay them to live there and say that.

Then I’d show them the birthday flashlight my miniature donkey gave me. It’s not really from my miniature donkey, but my wife knows I like flashlights and thinks it’s cute give me a gift from my miniature donkey. She’s right, it’s really cute. Then I’d say that I’m going to the big Happy Days reunion later and Fonzie is going to let me try on his leather jacket. Then I’m going to ride my bike over to the big early 90’s dancehall reggae concert featuring all my favorite performers of that era. But not before Cinnamon (my miniature donkey) and I have pizza and cake. Then I’ll hold a baby goat and smile awkwardly while the waitstaff at the restaurant sings me happy birthday.

“Wow! That sounds like a pretty great day. All the things you like,” they’d say.

“I guess so, I never really thought about it,” I’d say. “Hey, wanna come?”

“Thanks, but I’m pretty busy,” they’d say.

I can tell they’re lying. I’ll make a mental note to offer free acting classes before next year.

Later I’d meet my family back on my stack of yachts (they hate birthday town) and fall asleep dreaming about how good I am at being rich.

I just wish they would stop ripping me off.

Here are some of my favorite creators, whose only flaw is a lack of subtlety.

Charles Santoso

Hmmm… this fur looks mighty familiar.

Hey, I get it. In high school I copied the covers of my favorite prog rock albums. It’s a valid way to study the techniques of artists you admire and get a crash course in composition and color theory.

Let’s compare. Here’s how Charles draws fur:

Now me:

Don’t pound on your laptop, it’s not the same image twice.

Look, fur is notoriously difficult to render, but every artist needs to find their own voice when expressing it. Charles is a really nice person, and if pressed he’d hide behind the thin veil of “homage”. I’m not trying to embarrass anyone, but yeah, he should be embarrassed.

Lane Smith

This one is particularly poignant because besides being a close friend, Lane is a long-time hero, and honestly one of the kindest people I know. When I saw his book Stickler Loves the World, of course I was disappointed, but I was gracious since I’m such a wonderful person.

Here’s Stickler. Oh, I’m sorry, where does it take place? THE WOODS, you say? Funny, that’s where my book Bearsuit Turtle Makes a Friend takes place. Oh and when we get together, where do Lane and I hike? In the WOODS? Oh, and whose idea was that? PROBABLY MINE, for the sake of this argument.

Sandra Boynton

Oh, how the mighty have stolen.

Chickens? Sandra knows that’s my favorite kind of sandwich. I’ve never mentioned it, or eaten one in front of her, and by looking at me you’d guess my favorite sandwich is two Philly cheesesteaks, but you’re wrong. It’s chicken.

Exhibit A.

Yum.

And get a load of this:

EVERYONE KNOWS MY NAME IS BOB!

I’ll let you draw your own conclusions. I sure have.

Sergio Ruzzier

Okay. At least Sergio has the decency to change up his sensibility, technique, palette and overall quality. Here’s the thing, Sergio is Italian. Like, from Italy. Which is funny because his books are in English. WHICH IS THE SAME LANGUAGE I SPEAK!

Where’d he come up with that? Sergio is fluent in four languages; Italian, English, French and whatever they speak in Canada. Yet he choose English for his books? The ONLY ONE I sort of know?

Look at that. Aside from his name, there’s a bunch of English words on the cover.

Americans are known for being smart, so it’s only a matter of time before the book-buying public makes the connection.

Kelly DiPucchio

This one stings. Kelly is a both a good friend and a talented, well-respected author. My heart sunk when I saw her book Mouse and Giraffe. Kelly uses some of the exact same words I use in my books, which is bad, but it gets so much worse. Look at the cover, then look at a photo I took of my son in front of some giraffes. Had Kelly seen this photo? No. Did I tell her that my son promised to take me to the zoo? YES.

Now look at this. Look familiar?

And, yeah, Kelly has been using some of the same words as me.

Smoking gun:

Looking at the evidence, it’s not hard to understand why all these otherwise talented creators chose the path of outright theft. Why reinvent the wheel when there’s a smart, round thing rolling around right in front of you?

FREE PRINT!

Also, today is the last day to pre-order Bearsuit Turtle Makes a Friend and get a free print! Which are not dine, but this week.

Here’s the link to pre-order Bearsuit Turtle now!

Thanks everybody.

Are you enjoying this? Tell a friend! No? Then tell an enemy! That’ll teach ‘em!

Share Bob's Shea-nanigans!

I made you this though. It’s free. Not even, “GIMME YOUR EMAIL!” I worked hard on it and it’s silly. Click!

Okay, I’ll let you know if I see a cactus. One of those big ones!

Enjoy the rest of your week and feel free to share the fun PDF with everyone you know.

“Are you going to make them buy a meme coin or a patriot bible, Bob?” That was you just then.

No, kids aren’t that stupid. Instead, I’ve decided to profit from their greatest weakness, their innate desire to be kind and helpful.

When visiting a school, I explain that although I’ve enjoyed a long career as a beloved children’s author, the well is dry and I’m completely out of ideas. Word on the street is that they are clever, so maybe they can help me write a story that I can sell.

I call the exercise, MAKE ME A MILLIONAIRE.

First I explain a simple story structure.

Someone wants something but can’t get it. How they try and solve the problem is the story.

In this case, a bear wants to play the guitar, but he has no thumbs.

Before we make the story, I say that I have a kid in college and that I really want a new yacht. My current yacht is a humiliating midsized yacht and all my big-yacht author friends yell hurtful things at me while yachting. Kids might not have an idea how much a yacht costs to run, so I walk them through expenses like yacht gas, the special yacht driver and the subscription to Netflix for yacht-movie night.

Understanding what’s at stake helps them focus for the story part.

Story Dice.

Then I roll the story dice that I invented and get the character and the problem. The dice provide the character and the problem, then the kids have to come up with a solution.

Here are some examples from previous stories.

Gregarious astronaut horse wants cake, but there is a big scary lion.

Nervous bus driver pig wants a pet, but there’s quicksand. Oh, the Bob Shea™ side of the dice is the wildcard. It’s bad luck to roll a Bob Shea™. Trust me.

Lumpy race car driver cake wants to fly, but there’s a monster.

You get the idea.

The kids always come up with a bunch of great ideas, so I pick one that’s easy to draw and I could have plausibly come up with by myself.

Here’s a finished one.

We rolled a couple of Bob Sheas™, so we ended up with this. Friendly baker pig wants bacon, but that’s obviously problematic.

Baker Pig just got done making a big batch of his famous cinnamon rolls when his friend Penguin waddles up with something smokey and delicious. Penguin is acting pretty cagey and doesn’t want to admit to the meat. So he runs away.

Pig keeps dreaming about the mystery meat and is determined to track it down in his local grocery store. Penguin puts on a clever disguise and invents veggie-bacon called FAKIN’. He says that’s what he has been eating the whole time. He’s a liar.

Pig loves it so much, he becomes the mascot. He never truly understands why he is so appropriate for the job, but people love him.

Okay, great. I send the sketches to my agent and get a million bucks.

Their little faces light up when I describe the satisfaction of seeing their work on a bookstore shelf for the first time. It’s truly priceless. Unlike my yacht, which costs a really lot of money.

Bob Shea’s Super Fun Memorial Drawing Club.

Scamming kids gave me such a rush that I’ve decided to do it online too. Grab your Bob Shapes and make a story with me this Wednesday, March 12th at 4pm eastern if I can figure out how to go live on youtube!

https://www.youtube.com/@bobsheabooks

I’ll try to do more events and videos as part of the Bob Shea Super Fun Memorial Drawing Club.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Introducing the Bob Shea Super Fun Memorial* Drawing Club!

*Yes, I’m still alive. I’m just getting used to the idea.

New Book!

Okay. I have a new book coming out, which I may or may not have stolen from children. Just kidding, I wrote it during the last administration when integrity, reality and allies were still things.

BEARSUIT TURTLE MAKES A FRIEND.

Starred reviews from Booklist and Publishers Weekly.

If you order it from my friends at RJ Julia Booksellers, I will sign it IN PEN and send you a screen print that looks like this, but the background is more orange.

Here’s the paper.

I don’t have the real one because I screwed up making the screen. The emulsion was old and I tried to do it anyway. It didn’t work. Wasted a lot of time. Anyway, it will be sorted before the books ship. It’s a 5x7 screenprint of your new best friend.

ORDER BEFORE MARCH 25^TH.

Here is the link!

PRE-ORDER BEARSUIT TURTLE FROM RJ JULIA AND GET A VALUABLE GIFT! BOB SHEA IS WONDERFUL! CLICKING THE LINK MEANS YOU AGREE!

Thanks everyone. Try and look at the news as little as possible.

I love you guys.

Bob

Want to help me out without buying a thing? Use the button to share this with someone you know. Someone cool.

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Kids.

One of my favorite parts of being a children’s author is answering questions from kids. I also like the money part.

Here are the questions I’m asked most frequently:

Where do you get your ideas?

What was the name of your first book?

How many books have you made?

Do you have a dog?

My cousin has a dog.

Assuming God exists, why is there so much suffering in the world?

What is your favorite color?

Wouldn’t everyone be happier if you were Sergio Ruzzier?

Given the stresses and demands of the fast-paced world of children’s publishing, how do you find time to maintain your pudding-like physique and fragile emotional state?

Kids, right?

The answer to all those questions is my new brand of supplements tailored to the individual physiology and fitness goals of the user. As long as the user is me.

As a perk of reading this far, I’ll reluctantly share the recipe. You’ll look like me in time to wear a shame t-shirt at the beach.

Okay.

Go to Staples and get a giant plastic barrel of cheese balls. They’re in the back near the plastic wet floor signs and giant bales of bubble wrap.

Eat the cheese balls until you feel sick. Then go another 15 minutes because you’re not a quitter.

Pour a couple boxes of Cookie Crisp cereal in the barrel with the remaining cheese balls. Give it a good shake. Cookie Crisp is the nutritional loophole that allows you to eat cookies and cloyingly sweet cereal at same time.

A simple way to eat healthy is to choose foods in a rainbow of colors. Add a bag of peanut M&M’s to the cheese balls and cookie seeds. This addition makes our supplement part of the Mediterranean Diet.

Here is the Instagram account for M&M’s in Greece as science proof.

Mediterranean diet M&M’s.

Everyone agrees that fish are gross, but they contain omega 3 fatty acids which is an important part of something good for your health.

As I workaround I use Swedish Fish. You get the omega 3’s and socialized medicine without a gross fish taste in your mouth.

Plus they’re red, so they also count as a fruit. Which is true as long as you don’t google it.

Onto the branding.

How about a sciency name?

Mitochondria! The powerhouse of the cell!

That’s great if your target market is Nobel Prize winning physicist Richard Fenyman or behavioral psychologist BF Skinner, but that high-level science jargon will just confuse and anger the rubes.

I went with something more relatable to the Joe Rogan set.

Perfect for when we go into production, but I’m not paying a premium for world class typography, marketing mumbo jumbo and a fancy, professional illustration.

Here’s version B, for smart people. It probably has the same active ingredients.

The best part? I skipped the costly third party testing so I can pass the savings onto you. There’s not a thing the FDA can say about it.

A healthy lifestyle takes more than advanced supplements probably made with AI. It’s up to you to make consistent healthy choices to maintain… I don’t know, I’m bored of this now.

Anyway, put your new supplements by the cookie jar for more mindful snacking. Eating a bowl of supplements alongside your cookies sounds like a sensible thing a health-conscious person would do.

Be well.

Kidlit for LA Charity Auction

There is an auction to help people affected by the fires in LA. You can bid on a pre-release copy of Bearsuit Turtle and a sweet little painting.

Here is the auction for the book and art

You can also bid on a virtual visit from me. The idea is for a classroom, but if a rich person wants to hang out for 45 minutes and talk about our favorite TV shows or whatever, that’s fine too.

Here is the auction for a Bob Shea™ virtual visit

Bob Shapes Drawing Club Live!

I’d like to start doing some live events with my Bob Shape chums. What would be a good after school time for you guys? I plan on going live on YouTube.

Need to join the club and get your own Bob Shapes? Join here!

While I was writing that, my friend Lane sent me this.

He’s right.

I had planned to share ways to manage your outrage over the latest outrage. None of them beat meeting a friend for pancakes.

Happy New Year, everybody.

Here is my recipe for cinnamon pancakes.

1) Meet Lane at the Pantry in New Haven.

2) Apologize for being late.

3) Order a short stack of cinnamon pancakes.

4) Toy with the idea of splitting a side of crispy bacon, then order your own.

5) Eat pancakes, drink coffee, and chat.

6) Walk around and point out dogs you see.

Go home and nap. You’ve had a long day.

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It’s Giraffe’s first Christmas, and Bear wanted to make it extra special. Bear invited Giraffe to come from wherever giraffes live to celebrate. Unfortunately Bear won’t stop looking at his phone. Can you decorate the tree and save Christmas? Before you answer, remember that Santa is probably pretty tired about now and would LOVE a shorter list.

Are you getting out your markers and crayons? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

After you decorate the tree with lights. ornaments and/or tinsel, draw a big smile on Giraffe’s face. And sorry about the duck in the helicopter, he flew into frame as I was taking the picture.

A Very Christmas Christmas

1.68MB ∙ PDF file

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Share this with someone you love, or a tall person who doesn’t know what Christmas is.

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Everyone’s favorite not-a-doctor, RFK Jr., suggested rounding up people with ADHD and sticking us in Wellness Farms™ against our will. Thus weaning us off stimulant medication through fresh air, organic farming, and benevolent state re-parenting.

Unfortunately, it’s not true. It was an out-of-context comment distorted to appear nefarious. No one is more disappointed than I am. A fun farm filled with unmedicated ADHD chums? Safe from the looming RFK Jr. triggered polio outbreak? You don’t have to drag me from my house under the cover of darkness; I’ll be waiting on my front steps with my suitcase and a sack over my head.

Even though it’s probably not happening, the pretend architect in me couldn’t let it go. Maybe I do this pro bono since it’s so meaningful to me and the partners in my firm. Or, since it’s the government, design something nice while bilking them dry.

Here’s my concept in case RFK puts out an RFP. Check out the video for a walkthrough.

This is a branding sketch for merch. It doesn’t look like RFK Jr., but I lost interest in the whole thing and didn’t feel like drawing it again. I have non-pretend work to do.

Here’s a video walk through.

Or just keep reading.

Hyper-focus theater

Okay. Did you just get a cockatoo or start taking cold plunges? Recently discover your love of ceramics or geodes? Even though they all look the same, you don’t think they look the same, so would you like to tell people why they are not all the same?

Good news.

Hyperfocus Theater is the place to prattle about your latest passion. Your normie friends back home may think you’re “a little much,” but your state-mandated friends think you’re “not enough.” They think your thing is cool, and you’re cool for being into it and thank you for letting us know, and we’re lucky that you’re our friend. Everyone claps.

Hobby Exchange

When the applause dies down and the dopamine runs out, dump that geode or cockatoo in a bin at the Hobby Exchange. Wait? Is that a soldering iron under that screen printing equipment? Can you believe no one saw it and snatched it up?

Half Bakery

You’re full of good ideas. Sometimes, you get ten ideas a day. Pitch those gems to fellow inmates at the Half-Bakery - an informal think tank of the most cutting-edge, impulsive ideas unmedicated ADHD has to offer. Don’t worry, we all think they’re great, and you’ll be great at it. Same time tomorrow?

You’re 100% right

Openly express the latest slight or indignity you’ve suffered, real or imagined, in explicit detail. Before you say anything, I want you to know that you’re 100% right, and no one should have to put up with that.

Cry Pod

Unopened Mail Bonfire

Make your own sundae station

Kettle corn

Lower right is the Cool Flashlight Table.

Anyway, if you could do me a favor and vilify neurodivergence and make tiktoks about how we should be put in camps, I’d appreciate it. Somewhere that has nice weather.

A gift for you!

Draw with Bob Shapes Volume 1

Free! For now!

A PDF sampler of Bob Shape drawing sheets and videos. Free when you purchase Bob Shapes, but anyone can get them for the next two days. The PDF contains twenty printable drawing sheets, each with a step-by-step video walkthrough.

Get them here!

Use the code ILOVEBOBSHEA

I’ll send you a download link if you have already purchased Bob Shapes.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Although, I’ll probably send you a holiday coloring page next week.

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So I’ve decided to sell cookies.

During an audit of my workday, I noticed I eat a lot of cookies. Sensing an opportunity, I set up a makeshift bakery in a corner of my studio. I’m the only one here, so even with no market research, I know that 100% of potential customers love cookies. The kiosk relies on the honor system since I probably have important author work to do and can’t sit there all day. I leaned heavily on my design background and made a colorful sign with a fancy number five. You probably think I traced it. I didn’t. As a convenience to customers, hand sanitizer and paper towels are available.

Placing the kiosk by the door was clever of me. I’m either running an errand and need some quick energy or returning from one and need a reward. Today’s selection consists of eight individually wrapped biscotti priced at five dollars each. Some quick back-of-the-envelope math tells me I should clear between $150 and $200 by the end of the day.

Okay. The kiosk has been open for a couple of hours. I think I’ll dip into the till and grab some lunch.

That’s odd. Two biscotti are missing, but there is no money in the jar. I remember walking by and thinking five dollars was too much for a store-bought biscotti and that the janky display didn’t do much to enhance the customer experience. Then I remember eating biscotti.

Checking in later, I notice that sales seem brisk, but the coffers are empty. The jar is down to four biscotti, and I have a stomach ache. It must be the adrenaline high of being a new small business owner.

This is ridiculous. There are two biscotti left, and I haven’t made a dime. I don’t know what’s going on. I have to slash prices to break even. I came up with “Biscotti Blowout” at the last minute and had to write it in small. Writers like me get good ideas like that all the time. A basic ethics lesson was an unfortunate addition. The note obscures the playful face of the cookie jar, but too bad. When the stealing stops, they get the whimsy back.

What is going on? Somebody around here has sticky fingers. Not me. Mine smell like chocolate and espresso. Now, there’s no biscotti to have with my tea. And get this, I feel a little sleepy. I can’t bounce back from a day like today, not even with a nap. Nothing ever works out for me, and my life is harder than anyone else’s.

Zach gets everything.

Hey! My friend Zach Ohora developed a show for PBS called Carl the Collector. It’s a gorgeous show that beautifully captures Zach’s style. I was fortunate enough to write a couple of episodes as did much-better-writer-than-me, Kelly DiPucchio. Check it out if you like cool things that are good.

Check it out!

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Good luck everyone.

Halloween fun.

Jorrien was me for Halloween! His kid was my sketchbook! Best costume ever! All it’s missing is bad posture and defeatist worldview. Spot on otherwise. I’d say cookies too, but he probably ate them, which is completely on brand.

Thanks Jorrien, this made my day.

Okay. I love you guys. Be nice to each other.

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First, download this bucolic scene of a bear and his son on an apple-picking trip. Print it out at the local library or family court. Set up a projector and transfer the image into a large, stretched canvas. Enlarge the image to eight and a half feet by eleven feet. You’ll probably want to lay the canvas flat on the floor. It’s big, so rent a warehouse space to accommodate the painting and the mattress you found.

Did you sign the lease and have the utilities turned on? Put out the rat baits? Okay, throw away your phone. I’m serious. It’s too much of a distraction. You have work to do.

Cutting ties with everyone and paying for your new studio is probably stressful. Go for an invigorating hike and look for plants and berries to grind into pigments for your coloring sheet. Experimentation will take months of trial and error to determine what makes what color, which compounds are lightfast, and what is and isn’t poisonous. A YouTube video would help, but you threw away your phone for some reason.

Okay. By now, you have your colors together and have burned through your savings. It’s time to make the tinctures into paint. For this project, you’re going to use egg tempera. I’ve never tried it, as it looks complicated and frustrating, so let me know how it goes.

Time to paint! Blackout the windows with garbage bags and work by candlelight in a relentless morass of intrusive thought and never-ending darkness. Day and night have no meaning. There is only coloring page. Find a song that reminds you of a bad breakup and play it on repeat. When you finish your painting, set it on fire before anyone sees it. As your old life crumbles and your credit score drops, look around at the squalor and filth and notice how trivial the problems of your old life seem in comparison.

That’s the magic of art.

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Okay.

I just returned from a book tour for Pizza For Birds—a couple of things.

First, Milwaukee is lovely. It was walkable, not too crowded, and had a modern museum; the people were super friendly.

Okay, the best part. My pen pal Edward came all the way to Milwaukee to see me! He was in the front row of the presentation and made these shrinky dinks of my characters.

People are great, especially Edward.

Share this post to your secret crush! Or, someone who might like it. Up to you.

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Have you ever peered through a shrub at a famous person and thought, “If they got to know me, we’d be best friends.”

Let’s make that happen.

Okay.

Go to your local trophy store and order an employee-of-the-month plaque. Go back once a month for the update. Surprise! Every month, it’s your name.

Compliment the store’s wood paneling and ample free parking. Throw in some trophy-themed small talk.

“Hey, have you seen the 2024 Dinn Trophy standing baby nine-inch rectangular column? Pretty sweet! You’d think it was a real standing baby!”

Here’s the trophy.

Oh, are you in the business?” they’ll ask.

“More of a hobby, I find the industry fascinating. Trends, techniques, the latest in customer service. I love it all,” you say.

Do this every month until the owner hints at retirement.

“You know, I’d retire if only I could find someone conscientious and knowledgeable to trust with my store,” they’ll say.

Now, make your move.

BAM! You now work at a trophy store!

Okay.

When Taylor Swift comes in to pick up one of her Grammys, make friends with her.

“I saw you on TV,” is a nice opener. She will be proud of being on TV and glad someone saw her.

Then you have to stop talking because the name etching machine is loud. Once the name etching machine is done, you can say something else.

“Did you like being on TV?” is a considerate thing to ask. People don’t ask famous people about their feelings.

Promise to check out her music later and maybe stop by her show if she plays locally. You’re lying, but it’s important to encourage musicians.

Let Taylor Swift know that the mints on the counter are complimentary. She might be shy if she thinks the mints cost money. Prove it by eating one yourself. Tell Taylor Swift the mints are for customers only, but you don’t care. Some days, you have three. Sharing something personal – that you’re a thief – will strengthen your friendship.

Okay, so now you and Taylor Swift are best friends.

Make sure you wear a nice shirt that day. Like helicopter/yacht nice. Something that can take you from casual drinks by the pool to an Illuminati dinner on a private island where you hunt people for sport. Something Taylor Swift would never do. She seems nice.

You won’t just be best friends with Taylor Swift. This method works on all kinds of famous people: Nobel laureates, people from television, and competitive eaters.

Okay, good luck. Once you are friends with a bunch of famous people, try and work my new book into casual conversation.

It’s called Pizza for Birds. I’m on tour next week.

My friend Hannah and I have a lot in common. We’re both impressed by my wife’s ability to parallel park, and we are both partners at my pretend architecture firm. She suggested we only make buildings for people’s pets and get yellow hard hats with our names on them for when we pretend to go on site. Her ideas were instrumental in the success of the imaginary endeavor. She recently stepped down to take a for-real position as a teen librarian. It is unfair and dumb.

Fortunately, she still finds time to critique my ideas.

Me: Hannah! I have a great idea to thank people who order my new book, Pizza for Birds. Can you put the kittens down for a second?  

Hannah: Okay.

Me: Thank you. Okay, so the book is about pizza, right? What if I put the book on a rotating platform and cut out little foam-circle pizzas? The foam circles will have little metal washers on them. Hold on, I’ll do a sketch.

Click to see rotating platform.

Click to see pizza stickers.

Me: Look at these great magnets I found. They have a countersunk hole so that you can put a screw through. You know what that means.

Click to see magnets. They’re just magnets though.

Hannah: No.

Me: Wooden dowel fishing pole! Hold on, I’ll draw it for you.

Hannah: I knew you meant a wooden dowel fishing pole. I meant, “No, don’t do this.”

Me: No? Wait, it gets cool. I have a rotating platter with the book and metal-washer pizzas. What if I dress up like a fisherman in a roll-neck sweater, a fisherman hat, and use my cool dowel magnet fishing pole to fish for metal washer pizzas? Each pizza has the name of someone who preordered a book. If I catch your pizza, you win. All while the Gordon Lightfoot hit, “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald”* plays. It’s called Pizza Fishin’, and I can have an elaborate and unnecessary hand-lettered logo with no connection to the book I am supposed to be promoting.

Click to see glitter curtain.

Hannah: Then what?

Me: That’s the best part! Then I Venmo the winners seventeen dollars to buy themselves a pizza. Nice, right?

Hannah: Cutting out the circles will be really hard, trust me. I had to cut out a bunch for a summer activity at the library, and I regretted it. You will bail on this.

Me: Then I’ll outsource them. Foamcircles.com. I’ll select RUSH at checkout for a one thousand percent upcharge because this is such a good idea that I want to do now.

Hannah: I know you are excited about your good idea, but there are lots of little bits and tasks, and it will run out of dopamine really fast. Then you will feel bad because you’ll have all this stuff you bought. If you follow through, all those seventeen dollars will add up quick.

Me: I have to do it. I bought the magnets already. They’re the wrong size.

Hannah: Just have people order from your local bookstore. Sign the book and give them a drawing. People like original art.

Me: I have a sweater too. I look like for-real fisherman. I just need a hat—and probably a pipe and parrot.

Hannah: Okay. I didn’t know you already had the sweater and wrong-sized magnets. Pizza Fishin’ is a very smart idea, and it will go smoothly from start to finish without you running out of time or losing interest.

I look forward to its launch.

Ahoy!

Announcing the Buy Pizza for Birds From my local Bookseller and get a piece of original art Giveaway!

New book! The sequel to the wildly popular Chez Bob! Bob has some competition in the form of a trick-bike-riding, pizza-making, guitar-playing, flannel-wearing, younger, more-handsome alligator named Ryan. Despite Ryan’s friendly gestures, Bob goes on the internest and writes phony bad reviews of his new competitor.

Mayhem ensues.

Scroll to order this wonderful book and get your free original art!

Order from my local independent bookseller, and I’ll send you a free drawing! The animal of your choice. Write your animal in the notes section when you order. Maybe it’s called special instructions, who knows. Anyway, if you ask for something difficult, you get a special animal selected by me!

Order now!

Click that button to order! The “order now” button. Yes, I can draw a horse.

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* The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald has nothing to do with fishing. It was a freighter. My family took a summer trip to Cape Cod when I was very small. This song played on the radio as we crossed a dramatically lit bridge late at night. On the same trip, a docked fishing boat crew member tossed me a flounder. My brain distilled the trip into those two memories, so now, “TW of the EF” is about a fishing boat.