Phew, the past month has been busy, busy, busy (more on that later). In case you don’t get the reference above, Some Kind of Wonderful is an 80s classic teen flick about this guy in high school who’s trying to woo the popular girl, but—SPOILER—the real connection exists between him and his tomboy best friend, who happens to play chauffeur when he goes on his big date with the popular girl.

For now, let’s dive into a few new questions.

I Feel Like A Chauffeur

Q.

Hi Erin,

I have this friend I used to be close with. We kinda grew apart. 

I never hear from him now. Except if he wants a ride to or from the airport.

Two months can go by, and I never hear from the guy, then he will call out of the blue and ask for a ride to the airport. He lives in NYC, but has a condo here. He flies in and out every month, sometimes more frequently.

I feel I’m being used. He’s never offered to pay for gas or anything. 

The next time he calls, should I tell him no?

A.

I am not sure where you live, but I can tell you that, having grown up in Los Angeles and lived in NYC for many years now, an airport ride is a BIG ask (I mean, can’t this guy take an Uber or Lyft or taxi????). 

That said, he is not a mind reader (and perhaps willfully ignores your resentment), so you need to set a boundary with him that is clear and neutral. 

The next time he calls, say, “Sorry, I don’t do airports anymore; when I travel, I reserve an Uber in the app with my flight number.”

She Won’t Stop Flirting With My Husband

Q.

Hey Erin, 

I am involved in a group that meets regularly. In this group, there is one individual who flirts with my husband in front of me. I believe she does it to get a rise out of me. 

In a couple of weeks, I will be in the company of these people. I know she’s probably annoyed with me, since people witnessed her blatantly forwarding comments to my spouse. I’m not sure how to approach this situation. 

Do I confront her and say I would like her to stop disrespecting me, which might make her do it more? Should I act like it doesn’t faze me in the least and blow her off? Should I move my seat, knowing she may just sit near me? I don’t know. 

I’d like your take on this! 

Btw, I’ve been married to my husband for over 40 years, and we have a good marriage, BUT he’s reluctant to tell her to stop because he hates confrontation.

A.

(I am so curious what this group is, but that is neither here nor there; and, no, this doesn’t count as one of the three sentences!)

The most important behavior in this scenario is your husband’s; it is HIS job to set a boundary with this woman, and he can do so clearly. 

He can tell her that it makes him (and you) uncomfortable when she acts flirtatiously with him. 

Neither of you has any control over her actions and words, BUT, in my experience, changing one’s response will force the other person (hopefully) to get a clue and alter their behavior. 

I’m Having an Affair; I Don’t Know What to Do

Q.

Hi Erin! 

In high school, I moved across the country, met a decent guy, and we became friends. He always wanted more, and I never did. We stayed friends through college. 

We were always able to talk and laugh with ease. Even when we were mad, we could talk and agree to disagree. Everyone tried to get me to see he was “my person,” but I wasn’t interested in anything but friendship. 

Through the years, we drifted apart. We Facetimed each other occasionally and had dinner or drinks sometimes. We were always able to pick up where we left off. Easy. Fun. 

Both of us are now married with kids. We complained about our spouses. About six years ago, we started texting a lot. Like omg teenager a lot. Every day. Lots of texts every day. Five-ish years ago, he started suggesting we meet up. We live four hours apart, so he suggested meeting halfway. I knew he wanted “more,” but he said we would meet as “just friends.” 

I finally agreed. It was incredibly nice. Talking. Catching up. We went for a walk. Easy. Breezy. Even the silence. We ended up in a hotel room. 

We have been meeting almost every month now in a hotel room. We have each tried to end it once before, but couldn’t make it last. We missed each other. 

He’s due to retire in June 2027, which will end this. I think I’m in love with him. Losing him breaks my heart. I think about ending it now, and it makes me so sad. He still occasionally mentions divorce. I tell him I want him to find his happiness, and he makes broad statements like “there are many ways to find happiness.” 

What do I do?

A.

You have been in an affair for the last five years (a significant amount of time), which is unfair to your marriage, your partner, and yourself, and unfortunately, you will both likely face some emotional distress in whatever way this ends. 

If you want to be together, give your spouses the dignity of letting them go, so that they may find people who want to be with them. 

If you have no intention of divorcing, I still think you owe your spouse honesty and a way for you both to unravel how you got here (in therapy, couples and individual). 

Leave a comment

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.

Very very very happy about the weather in NYC this week (Please don’t go away!). On to some questions, answered in three sentences….

Church Choir Dynamics

Q.

Hello! 

I am a member of my church choir (smallish, 10-12 women and 6-7 men). I am also one of three in the choir who play the flute in services on occasion. 

Recently, the other two flutists have appeared to play for various pieces as if I had been forgotten. After three or four instances like this, I feel hurt/embarrassed/ashamed/slighted/angry that no one has asked me about it or even mentioned it. 

I feel I should take a break from choir to mend my hurt feelings. 

How do I move forward without making a colossal deal of it and making it worse? 

A.

More often than not, in situations like this, it is a lack of awareness on the other person’s part.

Ask the choir director privately if there’s been a scheduling mix-up, as you’ve noticed you haven’t been included.

Taking a break without saying anything won’t make you feel better or solve anything; it’ll just leave the wound open.

I Can’t Deal With My Friend’s Dirty House

Q.

A friend has asked me over for dinner and a movie.

I have been to their house before. I have also cleaned their floors annually for the last two years. Their toilet is always dirty. When they have come to my house and used the bathroom, the hand towel for drying hands after washing is DRY. Not used. 

I do not want to accept their invitation. 

How do I handle this?

A.

First, I get why you don’t want to hang out in the dirty house, and it is totally fine to decline the invitation(s) without explanation (if this were someone I was very close to, I would broach the subject from a place of concern).

If you want to sustain this friendship, suggest out-of-the-house dates.

Your question made me think of the Friends episode “The One with the Dirty Girl,” in which Rebecca Romijn played a hot, smart scientist with a really dirty apartment—eww.

Humiliated by a Workplace Robbery

Q.

A year ago, I got my dream job. All was going great until the place was robbed a week ago.

I was the first to arrive. Shortly after I opened shop, a man came in with a gun and demanded cash. I cooperated and hoped that was it, but he marched me to the back and tied me up. He bound my hands and feet with zip ties, then tied my hands to my feet so that I couldn’t stand or hop around. For good measure, he stuffed a sock in my mouth and wrapped so much tape around my head I thought I was going to suffocate.

I was stuck there for an hour before two female coworkers found me. Most humiliating, another girl came to work as the first two called the cops, and struggled to untie me. Because they were zip ties, they couldn’t just free me; they had to use scissors. I felt ridiculous, all tied up while they stood over me. It took them 20 minutes to get me loose.

Word has spread at work, and I feel like everyone is looking at me differently. I don’t want to leave this job, but at the same time, I can’t stand the thought of going back.

Am I always just going to be remembered as getting bound and gagged?

A.

You experienced a violent crime that was in no way your fault (and only a week ago!), and it is completely understandable that you would feel like you don’t want to return to the place it happened.

Please know that your coworkers are not judging you (and if they are, they can f*ck off); it is more likely that they recognize what a terrifying experience you endured and don’t know what to say (I really hope your employer is offering some guidance and support here).

You are living in the aftermath, and I strongly suggest you speak with a trauma-informed therapist or consider a support group for victims of violent crime (if you email me, I can send you region-specific resources, but there are also ways to get help online, such as Victim Connect).

Leave a comment

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.

For years, I erased my recovery date (March 5, 2003) from my memory. Maybe I was superstitious, thinking that marking time—the way I had in the years of relapsing through 12-step meetings—would trip me up. So I always (mostly) focused on the recovery I had on any given day, in the present. Which I suppose is truly living in recovery “one day at a time.”

As of today, March 23, 2026, I have been in continuous recovery for 23 years and 12 days.

This amount of time is wild. Maybe because I have written and spoken so much about my years of active addiction, they feel both close and very far. What is more accurate is that I consciously hold onto the younger versions of myself. Not in a stuck-in-the-past way, but in a way that recognizes how every Erin I have been has made me who I am today. I am not perfect. Far, far from it! But I am at peace with who I am. I am proud of much of what I have accomplished, and I am working on the parts that still struggle—ego, patience, control, acceptance.

I wasn’t going to write anything this year to commemorate the day. I figured what else could I say that I hadn’t said here or here. But then I thought about what a brutal year 2025 was for me (heck, for many of us!) and how, despite that, my gratitude for another year has not diminished; it has expanded.

In early recovery, every day felt precarious. I was a new mom, learning how to be an adult, learning how to take care of a baby and myself, determined to be here, to stay. Sometimes the best I could do was want to want to be here. Now, even on my worst days, even when I am stuck in the fog of ideation, I want to be here. And I did not arrive here overnight.

The world feels scary right now (for me, at least; maybe for some of you, too). But my place in it is not scary. I am not lost. I am not running. I am not shackled by shame. And that is pretty damn awesome.

I am grateful for my life—all of the years, even the hard ones—and everyone in it—even the ones I’ve disliked, even the ones who have been toxic or harmful.

All of those relationships and interactions, however brief, taught me things, forced me to grow (even when I didn’t want to). And I do not mean this in a toxic-positivity-there-is-a-reason-for-everything way. Time and age and growth bring perspective.

I’ll be back to regular programming later this week, but I wanted to acknowledge the years that have passed and the person I am today because of and despite every moment, even the most painful ones. It is impossible to feel awash in gratitude all the time. Some days I feel like I am failing at every role in my life—mother, wife, friend, daughter, writer, advocate. Some days, I feel angry to be here now, witnessing this timeline. But more days than not, I can get there—remember where I came from, who I was, and who I am today. I hope I’ve made the little girl in that pic up there proud. I’d like to think I have. 

Leave a comment

I am scatter-brained today, but here we go! Back at it with some new questions and answers. Also, I really like this format of limiting myself to three (very long sentences). Also, Bad Bunny was phenomenal at the Super Bowl yesterday. I have rewatched the performance several times. 👩🏻‍🍳😘 Also, Fuck 🧊.

Also, this song has been in my head for days….

I first saw The Pixies on this very tour, (when I was 14) at The Roxy on the Sunset Strip. It was a life-changing show. So damn grateful that I got to see them before they blew up (and shout out to my mother for driving me and my friend Leslie, dropping us off, and picking us up a few hours later).

Bad Grandma

Q.

I need help navigating a terrible situation with tact and diplomacy. How can I approach my beloved aunt and tell her I don’t want her to watch my children anymore? Also, I would like the $1,000 I gave her in advance back.

CPS has decided her sister—my estranged, abusive mother—is a risk to my children, and they are not allowed around her.

Despite telling my aunt and the rest of my family about CPS, they continue to pressure me to “make up” and reconcile so that she can have a relationship with my kids.

I will never do this. It is not in my kids’ best interest. I told my aunt, three weeks prior and very clearly, that while watching my children, she CANNOT facilitate a meeting between my estranged parent and the children. I told her that if she did, she would lose my trust and I would be furious.

Well, despite this, my estranged parent showed up unannounced at my aunt’s home while the kids were there. Instead of saying, “you can’t come in because the children are here and you know you are not allowed around them,” she let her in for a 15-minute visit.

Now, my aunt is treating me like I am unreasonable for being upset and will not communicate about this on a deep level. I am sad and hurt that I now have to make other child care arrangements because I was hoping to have at least one family member be supportive for the children and make them feel special and loved. How can I do this correctly without allowing my feelings to get the best of me?

She says it was “an accident,” but it is her choice who she lets into her apartment. She is fully aware that contact with this person poses a risk to my children, as decided by Child Protective Services.

Please pick my letter to advise, as I am a single parent and have no one to turn to.

A.

I will never understand the familiar dynamic in families where everyone bends to accommodate someone problematic, maybe dangerous, for the sake of everyone “getting along” (I have never believed in maintaining toxic relationships with people just because you’re related to them).

You have every right to be angry; you set a boundary, and it was not respected.

Trust your instincts and protect those kids (the only people you owe ANYTHING to in this situation are your children and yourself); CPS would not get involved regarding a grandparent unless there was something very wrong, so for your aunt or anyone else in the family to try to brush that under the rug is harmful, willful ignorance.

We Left Our Spouses, Then He Left Me

Q.

I was involved with my neighbor, who was married. I was married myself. He left his wife right when I left my husband. (I went through with my divorce; he did not.) We moved in together. Then, after living with me for five days, he left me to go back to her.

WTF. 

A.

Look, I am never judgmental about affairs, but the inherent risk is that, in my experience, they almost always end badly, for everyone, and I have been there: At 22, I had an affair with someone who left his girlfriend for me, then began to doubt his decision and that doubt was poisonous; I found it was more painful to have only part of him than none of him (and then things got even messier because we got back together, and engaged, but, oops, I forgot to tell him I was cheating on him with heroin). 

Your neighbor did you a favor by leaving quickly, and allowing you the time and space to heal and find someone who is available and better suited for you than either of these men (because clearly there were some issues in your marriage, or this would not have happened/ you have likely learned some valuable lessons about life and love and yourself). 

You didn’t really ask me a question, so I will end with this—you have the opportunity now to decide what you want in a partner and out of life; embrace that and take these lessons to heart as you move forward (and, as always, therapy is a great idea). 

Stuck With a Dummy

Q.

Hi Erin,

I live in a small city adjacent to Los Angeles. A year ago, a former council member campaigned for a male resident—who had lived here for only a few years—to win a seat on our five-member council.

Now, a year later, this new council person has proven themselves to be inept, and they do not even have the basic skill set to do the job at council meetings. Basically, it’s become embarrassing, even at the last council meeting….. As he started to speak on an agenda item, he was not even addressing the right one. Two other council members had to jump in and try to get him back on track verbally.

At another council meeting, he did not even know how appeals work and kept asking really dumb questions, which revealed that he was not prepared and well-read on this issue.

I called the former council member who pushed for this guy to win a seat. The former council member had a meltdown at me, was really angry, and told me the new council member was doing an excellent job.

Other residents and I are concerned about what we are stuck with.

How can we get this resolved as soon as possible?

Sincerely,

Stuck with a Dummy

A.

Dear Stuck with a Dummy,

As you may or may not know, I was elected to a specific council last year in New York City, one that was coming out of two years of remarkable contentiousness between council members (some of whom remain on the council), and so I know a thing or two about having to work with a variety of personalities, egos, skills, etc. (also, this is not my first rodeo).

I don’t know what your bylaws are—some bylaws allow for the removal of a council member if the majority of the council finds them unfuit to serve, so a close read of your bylaws is where I would start—but you may well be stuck with them through the end of their term, and if that is the case, you don’t want to allow someone else’s shortcomings to make you miserable or unable to accomplish anything.

Focus on what you can do to educate them, steer them toward initiatives, resolutions, etc., that they will understand and be engaged with, and accept who they are and where they are, because the key (IMO) to successful civil service is learning how to work around obstacles like an ill-equipped fellow council member.

Leave a comment

Until next time….. XOXO

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.

If you’re like me, you may feel that January has lasted 31 months. I have a lot to say about the state of our democracy and how to live in it, but we can save that for another day. For today, I am grateful that I get to go somewhere warm in a couple of weeks. And f*ck 🧊.

Let’s get to some three-sentence answers (and, yes, I let some of those sentences go on and on with em dashes and parentheses and semicolons 🤷🏻‍♀️)!

A tune to set the mood…..

Guilt-Tripping Mother

Q.

My 82-year-old Mom—who is mentally with it—hangs up on me if I don’t drop everything and come over immediately when she needs help. It’s been this way most of my life. Tonight she called—her car wouldn’t start, and she needed pet food. I had just gotten out of the shower and was expecting company shortly. 

When I told her I couldn’t come over right away, she hung up on me. Ugh, the guilt I feel when this happens! She texted that a neighbor was helping her. 

How can I stop feeling the guilt?

A.

Many, many years ago, when I expressed my feelings of guilt to my therapist about, well, everything, he said, “All that guilt—it’s unexpressed anger,” and while I resisted this idea initially, it was a life-changing piece of information to incorporate into my life.

You mentioned that it’s always been this way (this does not surpsie me as some of us our conditioned as children to appease, to morph, to bend so as not to disappoint anyone,) and I am here to tell you that your mother’s reactions—to your very reasonable boundaries of when and how you can help—are not your responsibility nor your problem.

The next time this happens, consider the idea that your guilt is anger turned inward and that you have nothing to feel guilty about.

My Husband Won’t Accept Our Son’s Girlfriend

Q.

My son is dating a trans woman. My husband doesn’t believe in this and will not attend any function the girlfriend attends. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to talk to my husband about just not talking to the girlfriend, but he is refusing to listen. Please help me.

A.

I have often heard married folks with kids say that they will stand by their spouse no matter what, even when they’re wrong, and I’ve never understood that because I would want to know if I were acting out of pocket, and I could not be in a relationship where I had to indiscriminately back up my partner’s stance, no matter how shitty their stance is.

Your husband can choose to not believe in your son’s girlfriend’s identity or existence all he wants (I will never understand this), but that doesn’t make her—a living, breathing human in a relationship with your son—any less real.

Stop trying to change your husband (forcing him to attend an event where he's going to be an asshole is not fun for anyone) and put your love and energy toward your kid and the woman he loves (your man can carry that prejudiced energy alone; it’s not your job to coddle a bigot, even if you’re married to him).

Sharing a Bed at “Hunting Camp”

Q.

Hi Erin,

My husband (mid-50s) belongs to a “shared cabin/hunting camp” in the mountains. We also have an RV that we park there in the summer months.

He has been allowing our family friend (age 21) to sleep in bed with him in the RV when she is there. I have told him SEVERAL times that I don’t want anyone sleeping in there, mainly because I am a clean freak and don’t want anyone using my bedding besides me.

I don’t AT ALL believe there is anything inappropriate between them, but I still don’t think any middle-aged man should share a bed with a 21-year-old, especially when there is a cabin full of available beds. I have told my husband that I disapprove of this and that I don’t want anyone in the RV, but he continues to disrespect my request.

Your thoughts???

A.

My thoughts are that I would not be comfortable with my husband sharing a bed with a 21-year-old (my husband would not be comfortable with me doing that either), and there is a cabin with available beds!!

Your husband has been and continues to be disrespectful to you, and this would be dealbreaker territory for me (my threshold for fuckery like this is low).

Even if nothing is physically happening (maybe/yet) between them, he’s willing to damage his marriage to continue having this young woman share his bed at “hunting camp”—I say HELL NO. 

Leave a comment

Until next time… XOXO

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.

My heart is full of gratitude for the outpouring of messages, emails, and comments following last week’s post about the cancer diagnosis. It reminds me, once again, of the instant salve that connection is. Thank you. ❤️

Unrelated, this song has come back into heavy rotation for me; it’s just so damn good…

**Quick housekeeping note: I have decided to no longer paywall older posts. Additionally, I have a new benefit for paid subscribers: book a free 15-minute one-on-one advice call or chat with me! You can ask me for advice, talk about writing, or just shoot the breeze.

For those who may be new here (or may not recall because it’s been some months since I’ve done this): In an effort to get through more questions, I started the three-sentence installments. Why? I currently have an enormous number of unanswered questions sitting in my Ask Erin inbox, AND many of them are variations of questions I frequently get, AND some don’t require lengthy answers. So why not answer them as briefly as possible, I say.

Now, let’s get on to some questions!

Why Did He Block Me?

Q.

I’m curious about what it means when a guy you once had a crush on blocks you, only to unblock you shortly after.

The interesting part is that we don’t really know each other; we don’t talk in person or follow each other on social media.

He found out about my small crush through someone else, and since then, he has been avoiding me, making it clear that he doesn’t want to be around me or even seen with me.

We only exchanged messages once after he viewed my story, but then he blocked me, which left me surprised and confused since we weren’t friends or anything like that.

I can’t help but wonder if the person who mentioned my feelings for him also shared something about my past, as I can’t think of any other reason for his decision to block me.

A.

Since you said he blocked you and then unblocked you shortly after, the simplest answer would be that he didn’t mean to block you (I have definitely accidentally unfollowed people before, which is an easier mistake to make than blocking, but you get the idea). You will likely never know if it was intentional. If it was—because he is “afraid” of someone having a crush on him, or worse, is holding something from your past against you—then I would write him off into the land of assholes; it speaks to his character, not yours.

Baby Shower Drama

Q.

Ten years ago, my aunt, whom we’ll call Sharon, came from out of state to “help” me fix some stuff around my house. Long story short, I was given a trust fund when I was 18, and my Dad died, but my uncle (his brother) had control over it, so until I was 30, I had to call and beg for my own money. My roof and plumbing needed repair, the toilets were flooding the house, and we made plans for her to come down and help. She made me wait an extra five days while she vacationed, all while my house was being flooded with two inches of toilet water.

When she arrived, she basically took over my home. She spent the entire time shrieking at me about how lazy and careless I was for letting my house get out of control. She wouldn’t let me go to work and held me hostage in my own home, screaming at me about what a lazy person I was (she’s always been a stay-at-home, and I’ve always worked, go figure). She threatened my life multiple times, threatened to beat me into a coma and sell my house out from under me, and at one point said that my parents should have been sterilized. She stole and pawned my roommate’s electronics and tried to force me to hide their things under my bed so she could pawn them later.

I was only able to dislodge this beast from my house when I called the police, which angered her so much that she left.

In classic abuser fashion, she was extra nice to the sheriff, who didn’t do much other than show up. After she left, I went no-contact with her, only to have her email me six months later about what a horrible and ungrateful POS I was and how I’m a bad person for not apologizing for my behavior. I sent her a fake apology, and we “made nice” when my grandfather died a few years later.

Fast forward to now: I’m 39, pregnant with my first baby, and trying to plan my baby shower. Sharon would obviously like to be there. She doesn’t seem to know what she did wrong and has never apologized. I told my mom everything Sharon said about her needing to be sterilized and how I deserved to be homeless and in a coma. My mom will obviously be there, as will my former roommate, who is also a lifelong friend from elementary school. My roommate’s mother, who came to intervene in the situation, will also be there.

I don’t really want Aunt Sharon there, and I’m not sure how to broach the fact that she’s not welcome.

I’m not 100% on what to do here, and I don’t want drama at my baby shower because my Mom will absolutely kick Sharon’s behind. Sharon’s two kids will attest that she’s always been abusive and hateful, but when they left for college, she saw me as a target for her abuse.

Please help.

A.

Aunt Sharon is toxic AF. Let your mom know she is not welcome, and email Aunt Sharon: “Hi Sharon, as you may have heard, my baby shower is coming up, and given our past dynamics, it’s best for everyone if you do not attend.” Also, feel free to email something more pointed (I don’t want your abusive, shitty energy around me or my unborn child. KK, bye!), and if the woman shows up, call the police.

My Fiancé Keeps Accusing Me of Lying

Q.

Hi Erin,

I’ve been with my fiancé for almost two years now. I’ve told him about my exes and their names. He keeps bringing them up when they belong in the past and says that I’m not telling him their real names.

He’s even deflecting, saying my monotone voice is making him upset and trying to start an argument.

I’ve been contemplating leaving him after our one-year lease is up, but I’m not sure what I should do

Please help me with this.

A.

Your fiancé is doing you a great service by proudly displaying his red flags. DO NOT MARRY this man. Yes, leave him after your one-year lease is up (start planning now), or sooner.

The Annoying Coworker

Q.

Hey Erin,

I have this coworker that I find really annoying. I find them way too perky for my liking, and some of that is my own social problems, but his personality is just overwhelming. I don’t wanna have conversations with him, as he never stops talking. Every time I see him, he constantly asks me questions. I one-word respond to not add anything to give reason to further the conversation, but I think he has zero awareness cause he’ll just keep asking questions.

Today, for example:
After work
Coworker: Got any plans after this?
Me: No.
Coworker: Really? Nothing going on with your family?
Me: Just going home.
Coworker: Is your family doing anything for dinner?

I’m not trying to come off rude, but if I wanted to have a further conversation, I’d say more.

This coworker always pushes it, and every time I work with him, it’s the same kind of questions: “What are you doing after?” “What’s new with you?” “What’s new with your family?”

I just feel like he needs to mind his own business.

Could you please help me? I’ve done this for weeks, and he’s not stopping.

A.

It sounds like your coworker does not pick up on social cues (lots of folks like that out there, many of them neurodivergent). I totally get how annoying that can be; I am naturally chatty, but I feel this way around energy vampires. The next time he starts his line of questioning, be direct but kind, and say something like, “Hey, I know you like to know what’s happening in my life, but at work I don’t like to chat; nothing personal!” (even though it is clearly personal, no need to make him feel bad).

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What do you think? Leave a comment and let me know!

XOXO

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.

Hi. With a new year, I am finally ready to be back here—writing, posting, interacting. Before I dive back into answering Ask Erin questions, I need to acknowledge the chaos and pain and sometimes beauty of 2025. And I may ramble. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The beginning of 2025 was challenging. Our government set things on fire with utter cruelty. The reality of where we were headed sent me into one of the worst mental health periods of my life. I could not write. My work felt meaningless. I felt hopeless. And I know I am not alone in that feeling.

Things turned around for me when I began focusing on ways to continue advocacy on a local level. I ran for and won a seat on a community education council here in NYC. I began connecting with city council members, community boards, and various city government agencies to find ways I could be of service—advocating for policy changes and strengthening existing city and state policies to protect our rights. I found an organization that needs something my skill set is built for. Writing took a back seat. I learned of more things happening that set my brain on fire, that enrage me, that break my heart. But doing something felt like the only way out.

Taking action and focusing on where and how I could best help lifted me out of the dark place.

I felt productive again, purposeful. This is not a surprise—I have long known that one of the quickest ways out of depression or anxiety for me is to hop into service. I needed to not be locked in my brain. I needed to step outside of myself and focus on where I could make a difference, letting go of the many, many things I have no control over.

I stepped back from social media, posting infrequently and engaging only in a limited way. I was trying to remain present, despite my hungry anxiety tapping me on the shoulder every day. People I knew and cared about died. People I didn’t know but admired died. Democracy continued to swing in uncertainty.

Then, toward the end of summer, another thing happened.

I will try to make this as concise as possible…. During a routine mammogram that required a follow-up ultrasound (not alarming as this happens frequently; shout out to my fellow dense-tissue-breasted folks!), they found a lump in my left breast. Additionally, my axillary lymph nodes (located in the armpits) on both sides were enlarged and showed some “changes.”

They biopsied my left breast and left axillary lymph node. Thankfully, the lump was benign, and there was no carcinoma in the lymph node. The last thing they did was a flow cytometry test on the lymphatic tissue sample (to look for autoimmune issues, blood disorders, etc.). The radiologist who called with my biopsy results said, “I don’t expect they will find anything there. You’ll probably get those results in about a week. Have a great rest of your summer!”

A few weeks went by. Those looming test results lingered somewhere in the back of my mind, but as the summer was winding down, I looked ahead to a very busy fall. One evening around Labor Day, I was home alone—a RARITY. I was just about to get into the shower when my phone rang. I normally do not answer unknown numbers, but it was local, and I picked up.

It was my OB-GYN. My stomach dropped a little. A doctor calling me at 8:45 PM, out of the blue, didn’t bode well. After initial pleasantries, she said. “I’m calling because I had a call from the pathologist who performed the flow cytometry tests. The results were a bit unusual.”

“Okay,” I said.

“I wanted to speak with you before the results hit your patient portal tomorrow morning. The findings indicate that you have an indolent (slow-growing) non-Hodgkin B-cell lymphoma.”

I sat on the edge of the tub, my entire body tingling. My doctor said I needed to see an oncologist to confirm and verify the subtype. She gave me a couple of doctors’ names, and I can’t remember what else was said or how the conversation ended. As she spoke, one dumb thought circulated: Is non-Hodgkin the good one or the bad one?

Before I got in the shower, I googled it. While neither is necessarily worse, non-Hodgkin lymphoma is not the “good one.” I wanted to call my husband, but he was at a Mets game with both of my kids. I didn’t want to ruin his night. So, I called my mom and ruined her night (sorry, Mom!).

The next morning, I had an email alerting me to new test results in my patient portal. I opened them up, and the pathologist’s notes said the tests indicated the subtype was most likely CLL/SLL (chronic lymphocytic leukemia/small lymphocytic lymphoma—the same subtype of lymphoma, but the distinction is that CLL is primarily in bone marrow and SLL in lymph nodes).

Back to the internet I went—where good news and bad news co-exist on any given subject. The good news is that this subtype is very treatable, with a pretty good survival rate for folks under 55 (the average age of diagnosis is over 70). The bad news is that this is incurable and terminal. But more good news—because it is treatable and new targeted therapies are coming out all the time, I am more likely to die of something else first. 💃🏻

When I finally had my appointment with an oncologist (recommended by the friend of a friend who has an indolent B-cell NHL), she confirmed that it was SLL. They ran a slew of genetic tests, looking for markers that can indicate prognosis or how I might respond to certain immunotherapies. I had a PET-CT scan and other tests. I learned that I have likely had this for more than a decade (that is how slow it is), and that for now, I will be monitored with testing as they evaluate how quickly those cells are replicating.

It is uncomfortable telling people you have cancer.

I did this via text message (because I could lay it all out in writing) and by phone. I blurted it out when I ran into people on the street or at events, and they asked how my summer was. I felt a pit in my stomach when I had to tell people close to me because I was going to drop news on them that could cause sadness or fear or both.

I have a tendency to minimize things for others’ benefit, and I certainly did this with my cancer declarations: It’s very treatable. I’m weirdly calm. The survival rate is pretty good. Sorry to drop this heavy news. I really am okay.

While those sentiments are all true, they don’t tell the whole story of what I have been grappling with these past few months. That I am processing what this diagnosis means for my life. That I am enraged that vital research that could find a cure for different blood cancers, maybe even mine, has abruptly lost funding. That I am so grateful that I have health insurance and access to excellent care. That I swell with anger thinking about the women who are denied ultrasounds with their mammogram or may not get mammograms at all. That there are cancer cells in multiple lymph nodes—in my neck, groin, abdomen, and armpits—causing them to swell. That I will live with cancer circulating through my bloodstream until the day I die. That some nights I am terrified of dying and leaving my children motherless. That despite my bouts of suicidal ideation, I want to live.

I have hesitated in writing this at all. I am not looking for sympathy or a public way to process things. I am writing this because when people online or IRL ask how I’m doing, it feels disingenuous to answer, “Good! How are you?”

As we limped toward what for so many of us was a challenging/ heartbreaking/ terrifying year, I realized that my blood cancer diagnosis was fairly low on the list of worries. During a time period of seeing the safeguards of democracy being eradicated in this country, cancer was not the worst part of 2025.

Weirdly, with the diagnosis came a sense of relief and clarity.

Some of the mysterious “symptoms” I’ve been experiencing the past few years—chronic anemia, extreme fatigue, getting sick every couple of weeks, taking ten days to get over a cold that kept my kid down for two, swollen lymph nodes, and elevated lymphocyte counts—are classic symptoms for this type of blood cancer. I’d thought maybe this is long Covid, maybe this is perimenopause, maybe it’s just aging, maybe it’s all in my head. Now, I had some answers.

Cancer put things into perspective in a liberating way. I have always been the type of person to push through my responsibilities even when I feel physically awful. Case in point: I have had terrible pain in my left hand/thumb for over a year, and I need to see a hand doctor and haven’t done it yet, so I just deal with the pain. Now, I feel a responsibility to take care of my health—to prioritize things like sleep, to recognize what I can handle on my plate, to say no to things, and, most importantly, to set firm boundaries around when and with whom I share my energy.

I feel little obligation to share my energy and time with people who make me unhappy.

I see ways in which I put up with interactions to protect others’ feelings, be “polite,” not cause waves, etc. After the diagnosis, I quickly realized that whether I have 40 days or 40 years of life left, I don’t intend to spend that time placating people who will never change, who fling their toxic energy on those around them, who are unempathetic or unkind. Because I didn’t make it through childhood trauma, sexual abuse, rape, divorce, mental health struggles, losing a baby, and having multiple miscarriages, and living in America in 2025 to waste that precious time with people who spread misery. And I am at peace with disappointing those people.

Right around the time of my diagnosis, Elizabeth Gilbert’s latest memoir came out. Per the publisher’s summary:

In 2000, Elizabeth Gilbert met Rayya. They became friends, then best friends, then inseparable. When tragedy entered their lives, the truth was finally laid bare: The two were in love. They were also a pair of addicts, on a collision course toward catastrophe.

What if your most beautiful love story turned into your biggest nightmare? What if the dear friend who taught you so much about your self-destructive tendencies became the unstable partner with whom you disastrously reenacted every one of them? And what if your most devastating heartbreak opened a pathway to your greatest awakening?

All the Way to the River is a landmark memoir that will resonate with anyone who has ever been captive to love—or to any other passion, substance, or craving—and who yearns, at long last, for liberation.

I read an excerpt and had a magical realization. In the past, I’d thought that if I were facing the end of my life, I could relapse and float out of here on a heroin sea. But that has changed. Yes, in my final days, of course, I would take pain relief. But I don’t want to get on that hellish ride again. It sounds AWFUL. In March, I will have been in continuous recovery for 23 years. I was 23 the first time I went to rehab. There is an elegant symmetry there for me. I don’t want to die fucked up. I hope that on the last day of my life, I am my most evolved self. I don’t ever want to stop growing and learning and processing out behaviors or thought patterns that don’t serve me.

I never want to be someone incapable of growth, of change.

In 2026, I look forward to continuing to dole out advice through “Ask Erin,” allowing myself time to rest and recharge, writing again, and being intentional about time. I probably won’t be writing too much about the cancer. But I felt like I needed to set down where I have been and where I am today.

I hope with every cell in my body, even the shitty cancerous ones, that this year sees us emerging from darkness, that our rights aren’t continued to be stripped away, that we experience love rather than hate, and that somehow democracy survives.

xx Erin

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Hi all!

I am giving a FREE talk tomorrow evening (4/3/25), at 5 PM PT/ 8 PM ET, for the organization Other Parents Like Me — “the nation’s largest, most accessible online community designed exclusively for parents of teens and young adults struggling with mental health challenges.”

Tomorrow night’s talk covers my journey from adolescent heroin addiction to 22 years of recovery in Resilient Recovery: Embracing Flexibility, Support, and Harm Reduction for Lasting Change. I'll discuss how support systems, therapy, and harm reduction were crucial to maintaining recovery and why compassionate, adaptable approaches are key to lasting change. Recovery isn’t one-size-fits-all—it’s about finding what works and building a life that feels worth staying sober for.

Register for FREE to join my talk and receive a complimentary Other Parents Like Me newsletter. The newsletter features a variety of resources, including blogs, articles, and podcasts.

Register to RSVP and enter your information, OR use this hyperlink.

Other Parents Like Me is a membership-based platform that unites a community of parents and caregivers on similar healing journeys. OPLM is a place for parents and caregivers to share their experiences, challenges, successes, and recovery stories.

Q. 

I am having an affair with my daughter-in-law. I know it’s wrong, but I can’t stop myself. I volunteered to be her unpaid assistant at her business last year just to be close to her. It became sexual after I arranged a ladies' getaway weekend and made sure it was when both my daughters were busy. 

My son travels a lot for his job, and I then stay at their house to help out, so we’re often together 24/7. She is okay with keeping things just casual sex, but I have become obsessed. I feel like a 12-year-old with her first crush. 

I know this is wrong, and if either of our husbands found out, it would destroy me.

She is willing to end it, but I always beg her to go on. I feel she is starting to subtly take advantage. I gave her and my daughters expensive bracelets, but my girls had no idea that their sister-in-law’s bracelets cost 10 times as much. 

When she takes advantage, I obsess about losing her and double down. My therapist says I’m not stopping because I don’t want to. I even considered telling my husband, but my daughter-in-law said she would cut me off from her family. I then realized I was more concerned with not seeing her again than my grandchildren or son. 

What can I do?

A.

You likely know everything I am about to tell you, even if you do not have the language for it. 

When folks write to me with problems like this—it happens more frequently than one would think—they are writing from a place of desperation. You were correct in not calling this love or casual sex. You are not in love with her; you are obsessed with her. That is not a judgment. 

There is a difference between love and limerence.

Coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s, the term limerence, as described by Tennov in her book Love and Limerance: The Experience of Being in Love, is “an involuntary interpersonal state that involves an acute longing for emotional reciprocation, obsessive-compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and emotional dependence on another person.” 

This type of “crazy love” gives us a surge of dopamine and norepinephrine, which our mind and body really like. By seeking that surge again and again, behaviors that mimic OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) and SUD (substance use disorder) emerge. That damn reward center is hard at work, to your detriment.

While reading more about limerence in prep for answering your question, I came across “Treatment of Limerence Using a Cognitive Behavioral Approach: A Case Study,” published in The Journal of Patient Experience (a peer-reviewed medical journal). In it, the case study used cognitive behavioral therapy to treat limerance. Now, you should take a look at the actual case study (there is a helpful graphic that explains the circular psychology of that compulsive behavior), but one thing that stuck out to me was that often a cause for the deep-seated insecurity driving  limerence is "uncertainty surrounding a primary, committed relationship.” It’s something to note, as you unravel what happened.

Much like with any other addiction, underneath the obsession is a profound sense of shame. 

And I am all too well-versed in the shame cycle that ensues. That shame deepens the feelings of unworthiness that led you here, making you more desperate for the one thing that will relieve that unease—the object of your limerence, your daughter-in-law 

I do not believe that you want to hurt anyone here. However, what you are doing is harmful to every single person in your immediate family. While I believe in honesty in general, telling your husband would be an attempt to relieve yourself of this burden. It would implode the lives of your husband, son, daughters, and grandchildren. That is not a necessary pain they need to carry. 

As for your daughter-in-law taking advantage, that’s of little importance right now. What you need to focus on is changing your behavior. You need some help. And I believe if you get the right kind of help and some additional support, perhaps from a program like Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (S.L.A.A.), you can stop this insanity and prevent unnecessarily harming the people you love. 

I don’t entirely agree with your therapist. They’ve told you that you are not stopping the affair because you don’t want to, and it is not that simple. 

I believe you want to stop but do not know how. 

Of course, you need to be willing to take some direction from a therapist who can guide you through actionable CBT or by implementing a 12-step program (or similar). I really hope you do this. If you need assistance finding the right therapist who uses CBT for OCD (limerance is unofficially under that umbrella), please email me, and I can send you some guidance. This affair is not bringing you joy and is in danger of causing severe damage to ALL of your familial relationships. Please get the help you need. You deserve better, too. 

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The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE, direct message me through Substack, or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

CN: ideation

I haven’t finished writing and posting anything here since last year. December was a blur. January was one of the worst mental health months in my nearly 22 years of recovery. It feels both scary and liberating to admit that. Between the political landscape and the massive destruction caused by the fires in Los Angeles—my hometown, where so many people I care about lost their homes—I reached a point of paralysis.

It felt—in my brain, in my body—like the world was collapsing in on itself. And I didn’t want to be here—to witness it.

I kept thinking about the David Bowie song “Five Years,” particularly these lines….

News had just come over
We had five years left to cry in
News guy wept and told us
Earth was really dying
Cried so much his face was wet
Then I knew he was not lying

I heard telephones, opera house, favorite melodies
I saw boys, toys, electric irons and TV's
My brain hurt like a warehouse, it had no room to spare
I had to cram so many things to store everything in there

I just wanted out. It’s the same feeling I had as a child and a teenager and a young woman when I reached for those exits—be they men, or heroin, or shopping, or self-harm. My children are what kept me tethered here last month. But barely. When against the wall, my brain is quite good at convincing me that my existence is more harmful than beneficial…. to everyone in my life—my friends and family, my husband, my children, to strangers on the internet.

The benefit of nearly 22 years of recovery and years of mental health support is that there is a difference now. I have some tools to make it through those moments. And I know how to say something. I was able to admit to my husband, my friends, my therapist, and my psychiatrist that I was struggling, that my mind was at war with itself, and that I had to sit on my hands for minutes at a time to just….. stay.

As is always true, my feelings shifted. The fog began to lift, and I could see ways forward, ways out of that paralysis—through civic engagement, connection rather than isolation, and finding and holding onto every small piece of joy. 

I don’t really know why I am sharing this here. Partly, I feel the need to explain my absence, and partly, maybe you’ve been struggling too, and it helps to know someone else understands. 

Regular Ask Erin posts will resume this week (which is good because my inbox has never been so full). Enough about me; how are you? Where are you finding joy?

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The past couple of months have been extraordinarily busy. Now that I am back to a somewhat typical schedule, I will post regularly again. But first, a check-in. (Please let me know how you’re doing. You can leave a comment or message me.) 

Are you okay? Am I okay?

I don’t know where to begin, so I’ll start with this: Last week, the writer Dorothy Allison (quoted above in title and subtitle) passed away (on Election Day, no less). I have read Bastard Out of Carolina and Two or Three Things I Know for Sure many, many times. Years ago, I had the opportunity to work with her at a Tin House Residency. This was a dream for me. Her work shaped me as a writer and changed me as a human. But I was unable to attend. I was pregnant with Franklin, and it was a high-risk pregnancy; I could not travel. And I never did meet her, but I am forever grateful that I have her books, that we have her books. Thank you, Dorothy.

In September, our beloved cat, Soda Pop, passed away, and four years ago, we lost our dog, Pretty Lady (no, I did not name her 💁🏻‍♀️). Finally ready to get another pet, I came across a unicorn (for me) of a dog and began the adoption application process. Things seemed to be moving forward, and then I was informed that another family who’d put in an application before me was adopting the dog. I am disappointed and sad and trying to accept that this was not meant to be. 

And, as I am sure you are aware, we had a polarizing election last week in America. (If you are a magical creature blissfully unaware of this, please teach me your ways.) Over the course of the past week, I've moved from despondent to furious to resolute, channeling that energy into actionable to-dos. 

But today, truthfully, I feel heartbroken. By the world. About everything.

Yes, I will be “okay.” I do believe we are in this together. How I feel will change. I will get my energy back to do what I can in and for my community. Yes, I have so much to be grateful for (but gratitude and grief/ gratitude and heartbreak/ gratitude and disappointment…. are not mutually exclusive; they can and do coexist, often).

So here we are.

I’ll leave you with one more of my favorite Dorothy Allison sentences: “Behind the story I tell is the one I don’t.”

Maybe that’s the answer—to unearth the stories behind the ones we tell, if for no one but ourselves.

Today, that’s all I’ve got. And today, I guess that’s enough. 

Highlights

☕ I read the most in the evening

💌 I subscribed to 10 new Substacks

📽️ I watched 1 minute of video

❤️ I liked 54 posts

💬 I left 37 comments on posts

📜 I scrolled 17 meters in Notes

🕵️ I discovered 6 new posts via Notes

Top Substacks

The Small Bow by

Recovery stories for everyone. "The Small Bow is not just for those in recovery. Lots of stories with a huge heart that manages to be hilarious and easy while making you question everything you were certain of about yourself.” – Esquire

Top post this summer: When Your Job Owns You

Permanent Retrograde by

Happiness, sadness, and everything in between. No recipes.

Top post this summer: Men Will Write a Whole Song About You Then Lie About It.

i'll make this awkward. by

oversharing about those high, highs and low, lows.

Top post this summer: Only Boring Girls Do It Once

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You can see your own summer recap in the Substack app. I’d love to see what you’ve been reading.

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back at it

I think most parents will agree that the end of summer is particularly brutal during the no-more-camp-but-not-yet-school days. I have been parenting for 21 years (😱), and every year when school is back, I experience a giddy excitement for a return to schedules, structure, and some semblance of productivity. My dopamine receptors ablaze, I look forward to early crisp mornings, newly sharpened pencils (mine), and, more than anything else, TIME. 

I also have the urge to watch this film….

Needless to say, I am not sad about the end of summer. So let’s jump back into Ask Erin with some three-sentence answers! 

I don’t know how to get back in the dating pool.

Q.

For context, I was in an eight-year-long relationship with a man who made me unhappy and made me question why I continued to make excuses for being with him. Now that it’s been two years since I left him, I’m inching my way back into the dating pool, but I don’t know where to start or how to make the first move.

I know that my past relationship has made me slightly wary and jaded, but I do want to find someone who can make me happy and feel special. Being 26, I want to get back out there and meet someone, but at the same time, I worry if I’ll be with someone like my ex.

A.

You are only 26; it’s only been two years; you began this relationship at 16. Your best shot at NOT dating someone like your ex is allowing yourself the time and space to heal and change patterns, and I know I am a broken record, but….. therapy could help you get there a lot faster. Start by figuring out how you can make yourself feel happy and special because as much as you want someone else to do that for you, finding happiness within yourself and the life you build will attract worthy partners. 

I don’t think I have what it takes to have a job.

Q.

Hello, I am a mechanical engineer in training (meaning that I have to work for a couple years before I can officially be considered a professional), and I feel like I’m going to lose my job. Over my life, I haven’t had a big passion for doing things and just do whatever other people tell me. I got my current job last September, which was no easy feat because I had virtually no experience in the industry, and it was only a stroke of luck that I got this job.

I’ve been there for over a year, but over the past several months, my boss has mentioned that I do not have that fire or passion. Instead of asking my coworkers for work or more questions about the field, I usually just stay at my desk, quietly writing up the reports or doing whatever we need to do. Right now is especially concerning because we are in a slow period, and that does not help with my low utilization hours. My boss mentioned that his higher-ups are grilling him about my performance, and if I don’t smarten up soon, I will lose my job in a few weeks. But I can’t help my personality and not asking questions or otherwise not being passionate.

I've had that problem for much of my life, and I don’t know how to change it. What should I do?

A.

I understand that it is often about a paycheck, but engineering is a very specific path, and it seems that you aren’t that interested in it, so why waste your time being miserable? Sometimes, we only discover our passions by opening ourselves up to trying different things, and you can do that while you continue to pay the bills with a less desirable job. Start by making a list of ten things you have even the vaguest interest in and trying them out (taking a low-stakes class IRL or online—like  MasterClass—allows you to dip your toes in many pools!) because I learned in my years of floundering that remaining curious led me to a career that I didn’t know was possible.

Regrets from my youth…

Q.

Dear Erin,

Recently, I turned 25, which ushered in a slight quarter-life crisis. I decided to be proactive and create a list of everything I want to do in the next five years, so I don't miss out on a great life. However, this point of reflection has made me realize that the window has closed on some experiences that I did not consider valuable between 18-23 out of shyness and being overly serious for my age—like rushing to a sorority, partying, trying out for cheerleading or participating in school plays.

I am trying to fit this into my next five years, but some of these experiences, like joining a sorority, are impossible to do now that I am out of college. I feel a bit unsure how to reconcile with the fact that my college experience was not triumphant and exciting but rather isolated, depressing, and painfully slow at moments.

Is there any way to get over these feelings and/or prevent this from occurring again in the future?

A.

Through therapy and practice, I have learned that the faster I drop into acceptance AND delineate what is within my control and what is not, the happier I am. It is impossible to move through life and make all the right choices or have perfect experiences that live up precisely to what we imagined, so instead of spending emotional and mental energy wishing something had been different, recognize where you are and who you are, TODAY. You are young, you have the opportunity to change how you engage with yourself and your past, and I promise that it is wholly possible to look back at your "failures"—big and small—and see the gifts that came as a result. 

What I’m watching, reading, listening to….

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The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

In May, the CDC announced the first decrease in overdose deaths since 2018. This is encouraging and undoubtedly results from the federal government’s shift toward embracing harm reduction. However, with 107,543 people dying by overdose in 2023 (74,702 of those fentanyl-related)—the third year in a row that overdose deaths surpassed 100,000—we remain deeply entrenched in a crisis fueled by the systemic failure of providing adequate mental and physical healthcare to those who need it most and the proliferation of fentanyl in the drug supply (Thanks, War on Drugs!). 

*Sidenote: I highly recommend following Zachary Siegel's work here and elsewhere. His reportage on the continual rise of overdose deaths and our failed drug policies is required reading for anyone who cares about the addiction crisis in America. 

While it can all feel bleak, I have hope. 

It’s why I continue to speak with young people and their parents, legislators, law enforcement, medical professionals, those struggling with addiction, and really anyone willing to listen and become better informed. We should be concerned with treating the health of human beings, not fighting a war.

On that note.... today is Dopey Day.

Every August 16th, Dopey, the podcast about drugs, addiction, and dumb sh#t, celebrates Dopey Day (AKA Chris-Miss in August)—a day to honor Chris O'Connor, co-creator of Dopey, on his birthday. Tragically, Chris died from a fentanyl overdose six years ago. Dopey Day is a moment to not only honor Chris and the countless others we have lost but to come together to destigmatize addiction and celebrate our recovery.

To commemorate the day, we place the Dopey logo across our eyes in social media pics as a demonstration of solidarity and celebration.

In the past few years, artists have created public works of art in honor of Dopey Day. And, this year, Dopey is launching the new Call-A-Dope hotline in partnership with SafeSpot, a nonprofit foundation that operates an overdose prevention hotline. The hotline connects folks who are using drugs with a trained operator who can call for help in case of an overdose. Available 24 hours a day, please share the number with anyone at risk: 1-800-972-0590.

Recovery is always possible as long as we keep people alive.

Q.

Hi Erin,

You've answered some questions tangential to mine, so if it's not a fit for Ask Erin, I understand. However, I love your work, and I'd love your insight on this.

I've had several friends over the years, some of whom I've known prior to their current marriages and some not, who have wound up in emotionally abusive relationships. This is, obviously, not their fault. I've strived to be the best possible support I can to them through every hill and valley. Some of them have since left their relationships and some not, but one thread has run constant through all of them: they've taken a huge toll on our friendship.

Now, another friend, one of my closest, has realized her marriage isn't turning out to be what she thought. Recently, I showed up for a lunch and hangout at her house. She broke down in tears and told me that the week after her dog died, while she was mid-miscarriage, her husband told her he didn't get her flowers for Valentine's Day because she didn't deserve them.

My heart aches for my friend. I want to be there for her. But this has happened so many times to so many of the people close to me, and I feel worn out. Supporting someone through the cycle of abuse is exhausting (much like being in the cycle of abuse—I left an abusive relationship years ago.) Some of these friendships will never be the same. I'm dreading the late-night, tearful phone calls I know are coming, the insistence that things will get better, the reasoning that she just needs to learn to expect less.

I feel burned out by my friends' horrible marriages, and I feel guilty for feeling burned out. I see the pain they're experiencing, and I want to support them through it. 

How can I continue to support my friend while setting boundaries and taking care of myself?

Thanks for any insight you can provide, and thank you for your work—it has been life-changing for me!

A.

Thank you for the kind words about Ask Erin! Writing this column for the past 15 years (!!) has been a privilege. I sincerely hope my advice is helpful, even when there is levity. 

I have been in your situation before, more than once, and not unlike when a person is in the throes of an addiction, witnessing someone we love remain in an abusive relationship is heartbreaking. As you well know, leaving is a process. On average, a person in an abusive relationship will attempt to leave their partner seven times before leaving for good. 

I understand your guilt, but remember that setting boundaries doesn’t mean you have to shut the door on that friendship altogether. 

Instead, it means you are taking care of yourself, which is a priority to being a good friend in the first place. You can absolutely set personal boundaries without exiling them. And this is important because abusers want them to be isolated. How do we do so? 

Voice your concerns with empathy and without judgment. You can and should point out what you see. You can be specific about behaviors or incidents that worry you. Let them know you are concerned for their mental well-being (or, in some cases, their safety). Do this without criticizing or blaming them for staying. 

Remind them of who they are and how much they are valued. Emotionally abusive partners rely on making their significant other feel worthless and unloved by anyone but them. Reinforce your friend’s positive attributes. Remind them of their worth and how much you and others love and care for them. 

Prevent isolation. Thwart their abusive partner’s attempts to keep them isolated. Answer their texts and pick up the phone when they call. Extend help where you can (within your bandwidth) if and when they reach out for help. This can be done by helping them connect to resources—domestic violence organizations (because, yes, emotional abuse is a form of DV), finding a therapist, etc.—or assisting them in making a plan to leave. Spend time with them doing something you both love—roller skating, beach days, seeing a movie, etc. The goal is to open pathways back to their friends and community. 

Maintain boundaries around discussing their relationship. Once you have voiced your concerns, you can lay a boundary around the topic. If you choose to discuss it, stay focused on concerns about their well-being without directly criticizing them or their relationship. You can tell them that you love them and are there for them, but you cannot have circular talks about their relationship until they are ready to change. 

Accept their choices. Ultimately, you have no control over your friend’s life choices (over anyone’s choices, really). At a certain point, if we want someone in our life, we have to accept them for who they are and where they are at. Yes, be there for them in whatever capacity you can, but not at the expense of your own well-being. Your mental health, your time, and your peace are valuable, and it is absolutely okay to take a step back to care for yourself. 

XOXO

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The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE, direct message me through Substack, or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.

Another week, another round of three-sentence answers.

(Why? I currently have hundreds of unanswered questions sitting in my Ask Erin inbox, AND many of them are questions I frequently get variations of, AND some don’t require lengthy answers. So why not answer them as briefly as possible, I say!)

Should I be upset?

Q.

I just found out that my husband buys doughnuts weekly for a small group of women customers at one of his route stops. Should I be upset? What is his motive in doing this? Thank you.

A.

I would not be upset if my husband bought weekly donuts for a small group of female customers because I trust him, and I would not be bothered by him even being a little flirtatious in a group setting. This is very different than bringing donuts to one woman every week. I don’t know your husband, so I can’t tell you what his motive is, but he probably likes donuts and enjoys some harmless camaraderie with these customers, or charming them with said donuts is good for business.

He isn’t sure he wants to marry me.

Q.

So I found out today that my boyfriend of six years told his family that he’s not sure “I’m the one.” A little background: we did just buy a house together, but I am not in the house yet. He told them, “We have a really great time together and have fun together, but he doesn’t know.” What should I do?

A.

As a believer in bringing things out in the open, I think you should tell your boyfriend what you learned, allow him to elaborate, and ask him to be honest with you about whether or not he wants to get married (I'm assuming you do foresee marriage, or you wouldn’t have written to me.). If he is unsure after six years, he is not the one. As painful as ending things might be, you deserve a partner who is sure.

Good Belt Hunting

Q.

On the show Designing Women, the character Julia Sugarbaker always wore a certain kind of belt when wearing a skirt. I would like to know who made them. They all came to a "v" in front with a closure in the back. I am sure they were all by the same designer. Thank you; I appreciate it.

A.

I love this question because it sent me down a vintage belt shopping rabbit hole. So there are a few names attributed to this style of belt—V belt, yoke belt, hip belt, dirndl belt—and you can find a plethora of them, new and vintage, in leather, suede, fabric, etc. I am unsure if the belts Dixie Carter wore as Julia Sugarbaker were all by the same designer, but if I succeed in getting in touch with the show’s costume designer, Cliff Chally, and find out, I will let you know!

[Sidenote (Because I love a sidenote. And parentheses—which has been established): While reacquainting myself with Ms. Sugarbaker, I came across a list of the character's best quotes. This one sure resonates today: 

“One of the things that I pray for is that people with power will get good sense and that people with good sense will get power…"

I mean…. Me too, sister. Me too.]

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Thoughts? Questions? Comments? Let me know!

XOXO

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

In an effort to get through more questions, today marks the start of a new regular feature: the three-sentence answer. Why? I currently have 630 unanswered questions sitting in my Ask Erin inbox, AND many of them are questions I frequently get variations of, AND some don’t require lengthy answers. So why not answer them as briefly as possible, I say! 

My Ex-Lover Ghosted Me

Q.

My ex-lover ghosted me after he manhandled me, and I hit him for it. He also had just told me he had an STD. He won’t speak to me about what happened. What should I do? I want answers and an apology.

A.

Your situationship with said lover, with the manhandling and hitting and ghosting, was not a healthy one. Accept that you will likely never get answers or an apology, especially the kind that would make this all feel any better. You should get tested for STDs, move the heck on, and know that one day you will realize he did you a favor by ghosting you.

Strip Search Poop Etiquette

Q.

Hi Erin, I have a question about being strip-searched in jail. I was locked up in a county jail for nine months. The very first time I ever got strip-searched, the guards had me take off all my clothes completely naked and had me bend over and squat, and they had me spread open my but cheeks and cough. I was very nervous doing it that, by accident, I took a big poop right in front of the guards. I couldn't help myself. I guess I really needed to go. Was it ok for me to go at that time if I couldn't get to the toilet? Should I have told the guards beforehand I needed to go poop? The guards didn't seem bothered by it; I guess they're used to seeing that kind of stuff. It was just an unfortunate accident that happened to me. Erin, can you email me back?

A.

Assuming this question is authentic (I have some doubts; sometimes the questions read like the email equivalent of being flashed, and this guy seems less concerned with being strip-searched than bothering the guards, but I digress.), I do not believe the guards would have let you go to the toilet beforehand, even if you told them you had to poop. I wouldn't spend too much time worrying about it; they've likely seen it before, and, as the children's book says, "everyone poops." I won't email you back, but I have answered your question.

The Reapproach

Q.

Hello Erin, Four months ago, I saw a woman that I was hoping to ask out. Unfortunately, my anxiety kicked in, and just as I was about to talk to her, I panicked, and naturally, she looked in the other direction. I see her every now and then, and part of me wants to walk up to her and try and explain what happened, but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't matter. What do you think I should do? 

A.

We have all had moments like this. There is no need to explain anything. The next time you see her, say hello and strike up a conversation (make a go-to list ahead of time so you don't have to think too hard on the spot). If the vibe is there, just ask her out.

My Husband’s Obsession

Q.

My husband is obsessed with one of my friends. She's told him she doesn't see him in that way, but he continues to want to see her any way he can without me knowing. This has been going on for several years. I've talked to him about it, and he says he doesn't know why he is obsessed with her. It's something about her. We've been together since middle school and married since 2015.

A.

Your husband continues to seek out your friend despite your friend making it clear (we'll assume she made it clear) that she does not reciprocate his affection for her, which is a problem. In your position, I would demand that my husband seek therapy because this isn't an issue of "there's something about her." Instead, this is about him, and he is likely projecting something he needs to work out onto her.

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What do you think? Leave a comment and let me know!

XOXO

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

Q.

Hi Erin!

I need some advice. I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now. He's a nurse and takes care of babies on ventilators in a small unit. I always think of him like a superhero, taking care of those who are at their worst and need very advanced care at such a young age. 

However, I've been feeling like his job is getting in the way of our relationship. 

He loves his job and wants to be the best in the unit. He's always volunteering for additional responsibilities at work, like lecturing, and is almost done getting his doctorate degree. He wants to be the main contact for all requests and pages and the one the doctors go to first. He works 8 am-4 pm M-F. He also works an additional two hours each day without getting paid due to the workload and is always messaging the work chat. 

He doesn't have time to eat breakfast, lunch, or exercise. Some weeks, he barely even texts me due to being exhausted, playing video games with his friends instead. Then, he will go home to his parents on the weekends since he hates living in the city. We've talked about this, and he seems to be doing a better job talking with me more and spending time together.

He always talks about wanting to be the best, working so hard to get a large raise at the end of the year, and all the nice things he wants to buy. He says he loves his job even though it's stressful and busy. It seems like they're understaffed a lot. He's always completely exhausted after work and is too tired to cook or make after-work plans. Even planning things on the weekends is hard since he only really likes going out if we have set plans and we are paying for things to see. 

I'm trying to save money since I make less and can't afford to go out all the time. I've been working two jobs, and he said he wanted me to take fewer hours to see him more. I'm working less, and I'm barely seeing him, and the funds from my second job are going towards going out. We've also talked about this, and he tried to see me more.

I'm not sure what to do. If he's like this now, what would happen if we have kids or have to take care of a home? 

I'm worried about him getting burnt out and feeling like I am alone in our relationship. 

Is this normal when dating people in healthcare?

A. 

When my second son was born in 2017, he spent four weeks in the NICU, including a few days on a ventilator. I would not have survived those four weeks without the nurses. Because I spent 8-10 hours a day there for every one of those 28 days, I learned a lot about those remarkable humans. As it is for many who enter healthcare, most NICU (neonatal ICU) and PICU (pediatric ICU) nurses are there because they have a calling to be. It takes a particular type of personality to handle not only the demanding tasks at hand but also to deal with families in such a state of heightened emotion and tension. 

While I have not worked in healthcare, I have many friends who have or do, and my stepfather and father-in-law are both doctors. It can be emotionally and physically exhausting work, especially on the heels of the pandemic, especially in a stressful unit like the NICU or PICU. Hospitals are largely understaffed. There is a nursing shortage, which was not helped by the exhaustion healthcare workers felt during the pandemic. 

I cannot imagine the stress and potential burnout your boyfriend has to manage daily and continuously, and it’s clear that you recognize that, as well. Additionally, he is completing his doctorate and is motivated to direct his career in a specific direction—continually stepping up to the plate, earning the trust of the doctors, etc. It is understandable why he is so exhausted and may just want to play video games or chill with friends. 

However, this work-life imbalance is not healthy or sustainable, and you are justified in wanting/needing a more present partner. 

The first step is to have an honest conversation with him. Will he have more work-life balance once he completes his doctorate and/or receives the anticipated significant raise? For doctors, those years of residency after medical school are grueling. I know some RNs also do residencies, but regardless, the early years of working in medicine seem to be the most challenging. So perhaps things will ease up a bit. But you have to discuss this to know. 

You mentioned that you've spoken with him about some of these concerns, and he has been making an effort, which is excellent! If you are planning a life together, I encourage you to continue discussing what you want. Do you want kids? If you live together, how do you each envision sharing household responsibilities? Do you need your partner to be more affectionate or attentive? Do you feel concerned for his physical or mental health carrying the workload he has been carrying? 

You mentioned that you enjoy going out, and he doesn't. Would you be okay with having some of your social life separate from him? My husband is wayyyyyy less social than I am, and we are both totally okay with the other enjoying downtime separately some of the time. We both realize this wouldn’t work for everyone, but it works perfectly for us. 

Don’t be afraid to talk about what you need; conversely, be open to hearing what he needs. 

He may need that time playing video games with friends to unwind. That’s okay. You can find a middle ground that works for both of you. It is not unreasonable to be clear about what you need to be happy in a relationship. This goes for both of you. 

To answer your specific question—Is this normal when dating people in healthcare?—I’d say it is not uncommon, particularly at this stage of his career. That said, working overtime he’s not getting paid for and stretching himself too thin is not tenable. With or without you, he’ll need to find some harmony between his role as a nurse and his role as a partner. 

Share your concerns with him without blaming his profession. Speak from a place of what you need and want, and make it clear that you also care about what he needs and wants from this relationship. If you do that, I believe you'll find your way through and be able to recognize if this is working for you.

Leave a comment

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. 

May was a blur. It can be summed up like this: migraine, had the MOST fun at Sunday afternoon karaoke with Ms. Emily McCombs and Ms. Louise Hung—celebrating Emily’s birthday (one week early because her actual birthday fell on Mother’s Day, or what I like to call Mother’s Birthday, but I digress), finished my novel and sent it to my agent, Mother’s Day, allergies, elementary school book fair duty for two weeks, migraine, bad allergies, youngest child turned seven, horrible allergies, avoiding the news because everyone has lost their damn mind, migraine, more allergies, and lots of reading and listening to music to escape the malaise caused by all of the above.

As I have done for four and a half decades (from the age of four because I started early and I have been here a looooonnnggggggg time), I escape the discomfort, pain, and anxiety of reality (see: the world) through art, especially books (and music). 

I didn’t write much in May, but it’s a new month (or eleven days into one). I have three new projects that I am excited about (because why live in the dystopian horror of reality when you can create a whole other life in another body with other problems?) that will hopefully see the light of day at some point (rather than sit in development purgatory or revision hell). 

Why am I overusing parentheses? I don’t know. I have heard it’s a Gen X thing. (Maybe it is. Maybe we were conditioned to diminish our thoughts by putting everything in parentheses. Or maybe it’s just me.)

The whole point of this was to say hi/hello/this is what I’ve been doing with my time and, hey, here are some books you might want to read and music you may want to listen to because we need art more than ever. And expect a bunch of Ask Erins to drop the next few weeks because my inbox has been BUSY! 

For your reading pleasure…..

Amerikaland (Danny Goodman)

Animal (Patricia Grifasi)

Housemates ()

Killer Amidst Killers (Billy Jensen)

The Light Eaters (Zoë Schlanger)

Love is a Burning Thing ()

Margo’s Got Money Troubles (Rufi Thorpe)

One Perfect Couple (Ruth Ware)

Shame on You: How to Be a Woman in the Age of Mortification (Melissa Petro)

Volume 0 (BOTM’s new lit mag)

For your listening pleasure….

(some of it’s old; some of it’s new; some I have shared before—but whatever, you need good tunes for summer)

Your turn….

What have you read or listened to lately that makes your world better?

Looking through my backlog of emails, I have noticed that a good 30-40% of questions come from young people (in high school), and I haven’t answered many of them. With prom season approaching, I thought this would be a good place to start. I plan on answering groups of questions from younger people in Ask Erin & Friends.

On to the question…

Q.

Hello Erin,

This story needs some context. About six months ago, I met a guy who's from out of state. We've been flying back and forth to see each other and have been pretty serious since we met. 

I went through the long process of getting him approved to go to my prom, and my friends knew I was planning to bring him. They were all really excited, with a couple also bringing their significant others to our prom getting-ready party. We even talked about doing it at my house and how it would be huge and fun as this is my senior prom. I've been friends with these girls since sophomore year, and we even got ready together for our last dances together. 

Today, I got a long text: "Hey, so it's been discussed that we already have a lot of people for prom and plans with the guys after getting ready, and we've decided on (another girl's house) for more space and to better manage our time. We can still do pictures at (your location) with (your photographer) if you want, and I'll ask if that's possible. We're all sorry cuz we didn't want to bail."

This isn't the first time I haven't been invited to plans, and it's been happening a lot lately.

But what bugs me the most about this is the fact that I made the plans, and then they took small pieces and chose to leave me out. I'm also slightly confused as we were acting as normal and have been, in my opinion, doing really well as a friend group lately, but then, out of the blue, I get this text. I'm really excited for my boyfriend to be there, as well as my sister, but I also wanted to be surrounded by my best friends and feel seriously left out. 

I'm wondering if this is worth mentioning or if I should just accept that, at most, they want to take pictures with me and don't want me involved in the rest of their plans. If I choose the second option, I wonder if it might be time to wind down the friendship(s).

Thank you for your advice,

Crying in My Prom Dress

A.

Dear Crying in My Prom Dress,

Before I dive into your question, I wonder how far Long Distance BF lives, and I marvel at your ability to fly back and forth to see each other in high school! It’s irrelevant, but it sure piqued my curiosity. 

One of the more annoying life lessons is that people can be flaky. And that flakiness rarely, if ever, has anything to do with you. 

Young people tend to be even flakier. This can be incredibly annoying for those who are more mature, which it sounds like you are. 

From what you wrote, it sounds like the couple of friends who said they’d like to come to your pre-prom-get-together double booked themselves. I’d bet they had already been talking with the other group of friends, liked your ideas, tried to combine them, and then it was easier just to stick with the other larger group of friends.

When I was younger (and well into adulthood), I often double-booked or said yes to things I later flaked on because of my ADHD brain, because I was a people-pleaser, or because, like a magpie, my attention went to the next shiny thing. 

Does this make it okay? No. But I don’t get the feeling this is personal. It is annoying that they borrowed your ideas for this alternate pre-prom party. And the courteous thing to do would be to invite you to the larger gathering. Or maybe they never intended to come but said yes because they didn’t know how to say they already had plans in the works or didn’t want to hurt your feelings.

I have seen people of all ages agree to things because they didn’t want others to be mad at them. Do you know what happens to people like that? They end up saying yes to things they resent doing. They stay too long dating the wrong person, with one foot out the door, because they don’t want the other person to get mad, sad, etc. It is very, very immature and wastes everyone’s time.

The good thing about this situation is that it is giving you some clarity on these friendships. It sounds like you’d like your friends to communicate clearly, follow through on what they say, and be consistent, which is totally reasonable! 

In my relationships—friendships, romantic, professional—I evaluate what my boundaries are and how much energy I want to put into them. 

Some people I’ve been close with behaved or spoke in ways that weren’t cool with me. I didn’t need to have some big dramatic exit. I just stopped putting my energy into these people and relationships. It’s my way of making peace with the situation. 

If you want to remain close to these friends, you should mention it. You’ll find it impossible to feel close if unspoken resentments are brewing. It seems like it would be scary, but I’ve found that just saying, “Hey, when you did X, that hurt my feelings,” the air is cleared, and I no longer have to carry that feeling around. And if it is clear that they aren’t ride-or-dies (sounds like they are not), let it go and enjoy their company when you feel like it. If I were you, I’d have your own smaller gathering with your BF and sister, take pics with the other friends at their location if you want, and have FUN. 

I promise this won’t feel so big once you’re having fun at prom, and certainly not in the months and years to follow. And what’s even better is (I am assuming you are a senior) that you are about to embark on life outside of high school. You’ll have the opportunity to meet a wider variety of people and find the ones who don’t flake, who invest in you as a friend. I hope you have a BLAST with the people who value you! 

❌⭕️❌⭕️

Erin

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What I’m watching, reading, listening to….

The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m reading, what I’m listening to, or anything at all, use the contact form HERE, direct message me through Substack, or email me: askerin@erinkhar.com. As always, your anonymity is golden.